Realizing you jaded, when its possibly too late?

[CryWolf]

Hey everyone this is a continuation from:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=323478.0;all

Talking and getting perspectives from you all really helps me. I'm incredibly thankful for all of you and the help I've received since I've joined. Thank you if you still follow my story.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

reply from previous post:


@Inko I have seen all his videos, and he explains everything so well! And unfortunately NC is all we can do as the ones being dumped. We stated what we wanted and have to respect their decision. Its normal to beg and plead. Everyone does it, but NC is damage control as well in a sense. Also the "fading effect bias" comes in to place to allow them forgeting the begging and pleading. I begged and pleaded as well, and think I made things worse. It got me blocked. I sent her a closure email last week and never got a response. Now she sees me and turns her head like i don't exist. It sucks. But its human nature to beg and plead, and we feel the fight or flight response come when our loved one decides to leave us. The only way for the relationship to work is if that person realizes the mistake they made. Unfortunately, the possibility is they could never realize it. All we can do is be strong, improve for them or for someone else.

I cant stop blaming myself for jading before. I wish she knew I did care and didnt invalidate her. I wish i had another chance. but right now all i can do is learn and improve. and hope for the best even when things seem hopeless.

[once removed]

CryWolf,

youve learned a lot here. i remember when i learned about BPD, there were all sorts of different regrets, ranging from "i should have broken up with her" to "if only i knew then what i know now". this is natural.

i think you would probably be mistaken to hang the relationship ending on the fact that you JADEd. or that you werent always validating. or any other individual tool.

not JADEing is really a tool that applies to not escalating conflict, furthering a circular argument, or validating the invalid. its a bad habit. i dont know that by itself, its generally a relationship killer. most people do it. and most of the time its relatively harmless.

relationships break up for lots of reasons, some complex, some minute. our partners are inherently challenging people. most of us are challenging in our own ways, and most of us werent equipped with the tools to deal with especially sensitive people.

if you look back, there was a lot of unresolved conflict. she was cold and distant at times. you over pursued and were clingy at times. there were conflicts big and small, and you both had things you were unhappy with about the relationship. they came to a head. you stuck to your guns about not wanting to be friends, she got her feelings hurt and stonewalled you when you changed your mind. i dont think it was one, two, or three instances of JADEing that did things in.

what do you think?

[CryWolf]

if you look back, there was a lot of unresolved conflict. she was cold and distant at times. you over pursued and were clingy at times. there were conflicts big and small, and you both had things you were unhappy with about the relationship. they came to a head. you stuck to your guns about not wanting to be friends, she got her feelings hurt and stonewalled you when you changed your mind. i dont think it was one, two, or three instances of JADEing that did things in.

what do you think?

I agree with you, bud. There was a lot of factors I was not happy with in the relationship. I always hated her silent treatment, blocking me, false accusations and resulting in me always explaining myself. "you never told me this". not liking my female friends. I felt like I was never good enough. Im a huge fixer and i always had to fix things, I have worked on this with radical acceptance.

Where do I go from here? Ive done everything possible to get her back but nothing works. Time and space is the only thing to give but I am becoming impatient. Im living my life and NC until she replies which is the only thing to do. My goal in all this, is for her to realize her mistakes or apologize or even miss me to reach out. This seems like a lot to hope for. Im also afraid of what I post on social media now, thinking if she sees it, she might think I moved on with someone else then move on herself. I wish i had the "i dont care" mindset.

Will she ever be "mature" and reach out again?

[Inko51]

Yes it certainly does suck Crywolf. In fact driving home from work tonight I felt a strong compulsion to try and contact her, but then realised this would likely have dire consequences, so had to check myself.

I guess what is frustrating is that we love them so much and in my case because she stated I pushed her away, so this then this adds to the frustration because we just want them to understand what they mean to us. But I'm sure they do understand but are exercising their choice nonetheless.

One of the problems when we miss our ex so much is that we become self absorbed and see a breakup from our perspective and not theirs. You are right, NC is the only way. The choice of whether they come back is of course theirs to make and whether we want to have them back is our choice to make.

With BPD type symptoms this complicates the breakup further as it feels illogical and just seems to blindside. To go from being a person they purport to love deeply to one they ghost overnight is overwhelming. But you are right, we have no option but to go NC and try and undo our needy mistakes. In my case my letters were designed to address her perception I did not care, but I guess we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves, our intentions are good. It is not a mistake or failing to care for someone. Let's just hope in time they return the compliment.

[once removed]

Where do I go from here? Ive done everything possible

i think thats the crux of the situation, CryWolf. you said your piece to her. it was a pleasant note, and you can feel good about it. that leaves two options as i see them.

1. let her go
2. keep waiting

neither is a good or pleasant option, i know. and if option two is the one you prefer, i think you have to ask how long youre willing to wait.

My goal in all this, is for her to realize her mistakes or apologize or even miss me to reach out. This seems like a lot to hope for.

it is. i dont think its out of the realm of possibility that she will ever reach out. she presumably got your note, she hasnt yet, and there is currently no indication that she will. thats tough  .

ive been in similar situations before, and i suspect that if she were to reach out, you are not going to hear apologies or ownership of mistakes made. youre more likely to hear "hey". and i think if you try to go down the road of rehashing any of this or be heard, it will fall apart quickly.

Im also afraid of what I post on social media now, thinking if she sees it, she might think I moved on with someone else then move on herself.

i think the hard part about this is that she has moved on. that doesnt mean shes forgotten you exist, or that she will never reach out, but it does mean that at four + months, she hasnt.

[CryWolf]

i think thats the crux of the situation, CryWolf. you said your piece to her. it was a pleasant note, and you can feel good about it. that leaves two options as i see them.

1. let her go
2. keep waiting

neither is a good or pleasant option, i know. and if option two is the one you prefer, i think you have to ask how long youre willing to wait.

it is. i dont think its out of the realm of possibility that she will ever reach out. she presumably got your note, she hasnt yet, and there is currently no indication that she will. thats tough  .

ive been in similar situations before, and i suspect that if she were to reach out, you are not going to hear apologies or ownership of mistakes made. youre more likely to hear "hey". and i think if you try to go down the road of rehashing any of this or be heard, it will fall apart quickly.

i think the hard part about this is that she has moved on. that doesnt mean shes forgotten you exist, or that she will never reach out, but it does mean that at four + months, she hasnt.

I’m slowly starting to let her go but also waiting in a sense where I’m just improving myself. Yes she most likely has seen the email and she probably isn’t ready or will not reach back out. This hurts so much. Because I feel I’m on the back burner waiting and hoping for something that could never happen.

I know her better than anyone else and I know she will not apologize and if she ever did contact me it will be “hey” or something completely random and indirect. And I know better to expect an apology or force a convo about the relationship because it will just bring back negative memories for both of us. I just want to start over and apply all the tools I know now. Make her feel loved and validated and hopefully this will allow her to open up more or feel safer with someone. She got so close to me that she never got with anyone before. She even told me this.

Hearing she has moved on really hurts but yes your right. It’s been 4 months and I’m sure she is happy and living her life without me. I am getting hopeless, and yes there are possibilities of her coming back. I guess it’s just a waiting game now. I stopped checking her blog so I have no idea what’s she’s up to.

[CryWolf]

I caved in right now and just checked her blog after becoming super anxious about the thought of her moving on.

She reposted something saying "it does not take much to destroy a relationship, and someone in their entirety. just a little bit of doubt here and there, is more than enough to get the job done" and then she wrote underneath it "its kinds of true... "

and another post saying "you cant break up with a man. he will stay insidiously inside you kicking like a petulant infant. chewing your thoughts. you can break up with a woman though. odds are you already did break her"

another post about about me where she says "my ex couldnt apologize correctly and would piss me off. an apology isnt supposed to be accusatory, its supposed to be "im sorry i hurt/did/etc... ." not "im sorry you felt/thought/etc... " "

another post "i didnt know I was lonely until i saw your face"

These could mean anything, but it gives me hope i guess. Idk to be honest. maybe after she saw me on campus, her feelings came back? Maybe i should apologize again and better address things? (sounds like a meh idea as ive reached out so many times) Im not ready to move on and its pretty sad.

She also made a post about how she needs to stop joking/talking about suicide. and ive seen some posts like this here and there before where she says she wants to die. this is a bit troubling because i always assumed it as a part of her humor. but now im not sure.

Does any of this information change anything?

[FaithfulInLove]

I don't know if it's changing anything, but isn't it a good thing to know you're not forgotten?
I'd say try to stay away from her social media/blog as much as you can - I know how hard it is, I'm still checking everyday myself, but not as often as I used to. It helps.
Your story helps me so much. I have a lot of respect for you. Wishing you the very best and that she'll find her way back to you. Who knows what happens next? I think we shouldn't worry too much about what we don't know will happen. They can change their mind anytime. It's just the hardest not to know if it'll happen, I know that. The hardest thing is preparing oneself that maybe it won't. Sending strength to you to get through these hard days in a positive way!

[Jessica84]

CryWolf,
  Breakups are hard. Please stop tormenting yourself. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. <-- I repeated this mantra to myself many times. Helped me to stop beating myself up for not knowing how to deal with the insanity. They turn our heads upside down, and we can't remember what life was like before we met them.

I came here after stumbling across a book (Stop Walking on Eggshells)<-- highly recommend.  Like you, I was eager to start applying what I learned with him. Problem was, we weren't together by that point. So I started practicing the tools I learned here with other people in my life instead. Validating nons. Listening without judgment. Being more supportive of family, friends. I picked up old hobbies, and reached out to old friends. They were thrilled to hear from me. I didn't talk about him. I stopped looking at his pictures and social media. I poured myself into work more, so productive I got a raise. Took long therapeutic walks. Volunteered at an animal shelter. Each day, I felt healthier... and got better at communicating with people in general. I was beginning to like my new life.

By the time he reached out, I was in a much better place. This is my hope for you. Whether she returns or not, I want you to be in a happier, healthier place. You are smart, caring, you have the world at your feet! Please remember, your life is happening right now. Don't put it on hold.

[CryWolf]

I don't know if it's changing anything, but isn't it a good thing to know you're not forgotten?
I'd say try to stay away from her social media/blog as much as you can - I know how hard it is, I'm still checking everyday myself, but not as often as I used to. It helps.
Your story helps me so much. I have a lot of respect for you. Wishing you the very best and that she'll find her way back to you. Who knows what happens next? I think we shouldn't worry too much about what we don't know will happen. They can change their mind anytime. It's just the hardest not to know if it'll happen, I know that. The hardest thing is preparing oneself that maybe it won't. Sending strength to you to get through these hard days in a positive way!

Thank you so much for the kind words Faithful   ... I weened off checking her social media. I have probably checked it twice in the past 2 weeks and thats huge for me. Before it was everyday and night and refreshing every 15 minutes... It was so bad for my mental health. I noticed the less I check, the more I can enjoy my life and focus on my life instead of being stuck in her world. It's hard, but time will help you to stop checking as much. Its hard not knowing, uncertainty and the "fear of the unknown" is the most terrifying thing ever. I build scenarios in my head that i will live a life without her and the last time we laughed together would be my birthday when we spent it together... When i have these moments, I try to derail as quick as I can before my mind spirals.

 One thing I tell myself "if you knew your ex was going to come back, you wouldnt put the time and effort to better yourself. Instead you'd lose all anxiety and wont make any necessary changes for the new relationship." Something  I keep reminding myself, for if she does come back or the next person. So in essence, uncertainty is a good thing, you appreciate things more and work harder. Trying to be optimistic here, as people tell me im a pessimist.

[CryWolf]

You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. <-- I repeated this mantra to myself many times. Helped me to stop beating myself up for not knowing how to deal with the insanity. They turn our heads upside down, and we can't remember what life was like before we met them.

Def stealing this from you!    
I thought I was insane myself for so long! I literally had to ask my T if i had BPD or narc.

I came here after stumbling across a book (Stop Walking on Eggshells)<-- highly recommend.   Like you, I was eager to start applying what I learned with him. Problem was, we weren't together by that point. So I started practicing the tools I learned here with other people in my life instead. Validating nons. Listening without judgment. Being more supportive of family, friends. I picked up old hobbies, and reached out to old friends. They were thrilled to hear from me. I didn't talk about him. I stopped looking at his pictures and social media. I poured myself into work more, so productive I got a raise. Took long therapeutic walks. Volunteered at an animal shelter. Each day, I felt healthier... and got better at communicating with people in general. I was beginning to like my new life.

By the time he reached out, I was in a much better place. This is my hope for you. Whether she returns or not, I want you to be in a happier, healthier place. You are smart, caring, you have the world at your feet! Please remember, your life is happening right now. Don't put it on hold.

I have swoe, just havent had much time to read due to school. Going to start again tonight! Thank You for sharing your story with me   It seems like you learned so much and improved yourself whether he came back or not. This is something I'm still trying to accept and slowly but surely will get there too!

 Thank you so much Jessica  , its so easy to lose hope and just give up. Its so easy to dwell on the negatives and "what ifs". But the possibilities are endless, and as long as you do the work, its a win/win for you. I will continue to do the work and become a better person with all these tools. The fears and doubts will come and go, but its normal. Thank you for giving me hope, and not feeling like a lost cause. I am not a patient person, but this lesson in my life will definitely teach me.

[CryWolf]

Another weekend, another difficult time. Missing her like crazy. Miss texting her and hearing her voice. Miss updating each other on our day. Miss running errands together. Miss holding hands. Miss her, miss us, miss everything. Why doesn't she just reach out already ugh. PATIENCE PATIENCE PATIENCE.   I must be patient. So many things I want to do together. SO many things I wish we could have experienced and shared. Thanks for reading my venting session .

[CryWolf]

Had a series of bad dreams last night. Kept waking up really mad and hyperventilating a bit not knowing if it was real or not. Lol had to do some breathing exercises to realize it was a all a dream.

[FaithfulInLove]

Had a series of bad dreams last night. Kept waking up really mad and hyperventilating a bit not knowing if it was real or not. Lol had to do some breathing exercises to realize it was a all a dream.

Oh dear! That reminds me of me having a dream of him going no contact a few weeks before he went no contact!  It's horrible how those anxieties follow us around all day and all night long!
You seem to do your best with coping, I'm proud of you! Don't let all this make you crazy! Sending strength your way!
Happy you keep sharing your story with us - it helps me to go on

[Inko51]

Hi Crywolf, I think Jessica84 has given some very sound advice.

It is unbearable admittedly. I can remember even dreaming I was getting a text only to wake up suddenly to the harsh reality of none. I was acting like a Pavlov dog even imagining the pings of texts and forever checking my phone as if I had some form of nervous tick. I am slowly moving on and I mean slowly, but I have bad and good days. It's natural I guess. Some days my heart palpitates to the point I feel sick such is the missing pain I feel, but then another day it eases.

What I find helps is to consider both sides. I often think to myself, well I have a lot to offer and I must have done something right to attract her in the first place. So if she is holding back and not coming forward then why should I? And if the reality is she is not missing me, then why should I miss her. We both have value. I also have to consider that if I did not want to be with someone would them reaching out or chasing me make me change my mind?

The thing is it has to come from them as you know only too well and like Jessica84 stated, we act to the best of our abilities at the time with the information we have to hand. I personally don't feel it's weak to be honest about feelings because pretending we are not bothered is just pretence anyway and what is wrong with being bothered? They were important and precious to us afterall. But just because we have feelings does not equate to accepting low grade treatment though. So even if we have made mistakes they aren't necessarily deal breakers. We have to take the bigger picture into account. And if our best is not good enough in their eyes then so be it. Ask yourself this, if she sent you letters or engaged in some sort of other perceived needy behaviours would you love her less? If we love someone we overlook things in other words. The thing is we just don't know what is motivating someone at times. I still don't know why I was dumped as the reasons given were not even true and I have no means of redress. I don't even know if I'm still blocked, I never even check as I see little point.

What I do think is important is to consider the terms of reconciliation if it is going to happen. Firstly, those who end the relationship need to be the ones who reconcile it. We tend to value the things we have to work for. So if our objective is to get someone back, whatever the terms, then we are very likely to fall into future trouble. We must value ourselves and not so readily give our value away, or depend on others for our value. You clearly have great value and many attributes don't forget that.

Of course we want our exe's back, that's all we can focus on, but we should want them back because they love us and miss us to such an extent that they cannot be without us. If they come back for any other reason is that what we really want? More to the point, would it last, or would we just find ourselves back here a few weeks down the line?

The thing is we need to move forward as paradoxically this is more likely to have a better outcome than mourning about them continuously. Easier said than done I know. But it is the only option we have. I still get pangs to reach out, but I have an added incentive not to given she contacted the police because I wrote to her. I certainly don't want to have a restraining order for my troubles. I cannot believe as a professional I have placed myself in a position with someone which potentially involved the police. That's what can happen when our emotions drive our actions. That said my letter was friendly and even included a drawing I did of her dog which was part of an Xmas present I was not able to give her at teh time and In didnt have the heart to just throw it away. Shows how we were clearly in different places. I was feeling nostalgic/sentimental, she was thinking potential restraining orders .

I don't feel I'll ever hear from my ex again and it is a painful transition to contemplate, but who knows what the future holds. To corroborate with what Jessica84 says in the interim don't put your life on hold. We can only legislate for what we do and not what others do. We owe it to ourselves to embrace life and everything else is a bonus.

Best thoughts Crywolf

[CryWolf]

Oh dear! That reminds me of me having a dream of him going no contact a few weeks before he went no contact!  It's horrible how those anxieties follow us around all day and all night long!
You seem to do your best with coping, I'm proud of you! Don't let all this make you crazy! Sending strength your way!
Happy you keep sharing your story with us - it helps me to go on

Thank you! What I noticed and read is that we fear the most, we end up causing subconsciously. We have to work on trusting and working on own anxieties and not placing that on other people.

[CryWolf]

I don't feel I'll ever hear from my ex again and it is a painful transition to contemplate, but who knows what the future holds. To corroborate with what Jessica84 says in the interim don't put your life on hold. We can only legislate for what we do and not what others do. We owe it to ourselves to embrace life and everything else is a bonus.

Best thoughts Crywolf

Hey Inko, never say never. But i know how hopeless things may seem. I know your pain and I feel for you. I wish there was something we can do to reverse things, something to show our love where they can trust us and feel for us forever. Not acting and letting things play out is scary to all of us. But this is the best solution to get a partner back when they wanted space or left you. I cant imagine what having the authorities called on you must feel like, but I did receive a similar threat but never acted on it. I feel like your partner probably grew up with this in her household, maybe among her parents and she may have internalized it as a child and its what she knows? Just a speculation.

Youre dead on about wanting our exes back only if they want us. I only want her if she wants me, and sadly Im not sure if this will come or she will find someone else. This is the common fear. But im telling myself, I am an excellent person and I did so much for her than anyone in her life has ever done. Im not trying to boast here, but I know what I did for her and what i wanted for her. I was always there for her and loved her so much. I still love her and want to continue this, but it has to be on her terms. The ball is in her court. Yet idk if she wants to play ball. But her latest posts seem like they are about me and she may finally start missing me. But you can miss someone and not reach out. This is touch.

[CryWolf]

came over to dinner with my parents, and they bought this tiramisu cake. Same one I bought my exBPD during our first dates... I wish I could send her a picture and remind her, but we're not like that anymore. I want to reach out but Im holding myself back so much. Knowing she needs time and space. There is so many things I want to update her, tell her. I want to hold her again, I want to do so many things.

[CryWolf]

My uncle sent me to the store to buy roses for his wife since its their anniversary today. I took a nice pic of the roses and want to post on my social media, but I dont want my exBPD to see and assume im 1) doing it to get at her/spite her, 2) they are for some other girl and then she moves on and gets hurt. I could post the pic and put a caption about it being for my uncles& aunts anniversary but dont really want to do that...  
Typically I would have an "idc" attitude, but right now things are fragile.
Thoughts?

[FaithfulInLove]

I think it's your Facebook - actually if you feel like it, you should post it... .But l do understand the whole problem behind it. Do you know if she's still checking up on you?
Like you always tell me, your life should be about yourself, not always just thinking about what she could be thinking - that's crazy making.
Hope these thoughts can help you in some way. I wouldn't post it to provoke her in any way, but if posting it is what you'd do anyway, why shouldn't you?
I'm posting about big tv show a lot which me and my ex wanted to watch together soon, which has always connected us but has also been my interest before l met him. I think stopping to celebrate what you love because your s/o could think something is something we shouldn't do. For ourselves.

[Inko51]

Completely agree Crywolf, if we could only go back in time eh? Last night I dreamt I was trekking in the Himalayas and she was right beside me. The Facebook thing is interesting. I spent a weekend with my friends in another county and met a previous long-term ex (I was with my father too). I took a pix and put it on Facebook as it was a nice pix of her (just her in the pix). I then thought like you, oh what if my ex sees it. I know I'm blocked on Facebook by her, but not sure if she can still see mine. I was only catching up with my previous ex before this ex and we are still friends because I still support her son, but then I thought if my current ex sees this she will no doubt read something into it, so after a couple of days I took it down just in case. One of my friends did make a comment asking who the lady was and she is very pretty, so I just put 'a good friend and purely platonic', which is true I hasten to add. Not sure if this was the right response or not. Anyway the pix is down now. To be honest I never thought of those type of ramifications as from my perspective it was totally innocent. But better safe than sorry I guess.

It's so weird how they pervade your thoughts. I was watching a gripping film back in Jan when a guy had to save his family and it made me feel very protective of her (we were still texting at that stage) and I felt compelled to write to her and say, "whatever happens between us save this text and know that I do love you as you never know what's round the corner so don't ever forget that!" She wrote back, "Whaaaaat, that's a bit heavy, what's brought that on?" I explained about the movie. I think even then it was clear I felt more strongly for her than she did for me at that stage and I must have had a premonition I guess .

It's ironic that they care so deeply about us during the Idealisation phase but then when our love grows more slowly their's sadly starts to diminish.

You sound like an excellent person and the fact that so many people write on here who care enough to try and better themselves with the commonality we all share being that we love or loved our exe's. To me this is a really good thing. Because they don't necessarily come back into our lives does not diminish who we are and what we have to offer. It's certainly not boastful to recognise your good qualities either. You should recognise them.

Yes, the police thing was embarrassing and fortunately for me it was dealt with on an informal basis by telephone. She does have form in doing this and did it with her previous ex too from what she told me at the time. I think it was done to ramp up her victim state as she can than tell people at work and thereby embarrass me there too as well as court sympathy. It did upset me because she knows the potential ramifications of this to my career and I have never interfaced with the police before on a personal level. If I had been stalking her i.e constantly ringing, turning up at her house or workplace, or worse still threatening her, then fair enough, but in my opinion a few love letters which were reasoned and non-pushy did not warrant this. What was even more galling is she did this after I sent a letter saying I would no longer make further contact with her anyway.

I truly hope you get the result you yearn for. Having gone through this situation I really would like to incorporate this into some form of career as I just had not taken into account how debilitating these experiences really are. Trouble is I don't want to be 'just another oily breakup coach'. Having gone and still going through this situation illustrates how important relationships are. It is hard to focus on other facets of your life when you're foundations are trembling under the inner turmoil you feel.

I can remember only too well supporting my mother at the end of her life when just breathing for her became an achievement and I thought then nothing could be worse than this. But when she died I was devastated, but there was a finality to it so with each passing week and month I felt I was gaining better acceptance and closure. Don't get me wrong I still miss her terribly. She was a qualified psychotherapist so ironically she would have unpacked this situation really well. But the pain I feel over my ex, in part because of the circumstances involved of blocking etc, does not readily give closure with the added complication they are still floating about out there somewhere.

[CryWolf]

Just heard one of the worst things from my female best friends and feel invalidated by her. She knows our situation inside and out. She's been there since the beginning of our relationship listening and helping as I do the same for her. One thing I do realize is since her boyfriend and her got close, our friendship got pushed away because her boyfriend doesn't like me. This is due to him seeing the texts between me and her when she suspected him cheating on her. Me and her made plans to go to a music festival in the summer, but now since her boyfriend is going she told me "I have to ask him if hes okay with you going" and she never let me know and then proceeded to tell me his bestfriend is going. So i got the picture...

I showed my friend the posts my ex made, most likely in regards towards me and my friend said
Her: "I dont think she misses you ... But youre going to believe what you wanna believe"
Me: "What makes you say that? You dont think after all this time she'd miss me?"
her: " i didnt miss any of my exes after we broke up . She called you out on ___ that pissed her off. You really think just because you guys made eye contact, her feelings changed like that? Nahhhh"

Ouch. Maybe she's right and maybe im in over my head holding on to any hope I have. Maybe im just a fool having wishful thinking that she misses me. I want to reach out to my ex, or go check her blog but Its only going to set my progress back. Im having intrusive thoughts at this moment, and wish my friend was more supportive or willing to care. Or maybe im too soft? Im also upset because i stood up for my friend to my ex, yet i doubt my friend would do the same. Im too loyal to people and that is my downfall.

I guess what I want to hear, is that my ex misses me, that her posts show she's feeling hurt or something.

[CryWolf]

saw my T, and we had a very good session. So apparently my grandma has similar traits to cluster b type. She raised me and it took a toll on me. My T coorelated my relationship with my ex to my grandma and it was a bit shocking. Talked to my mom about this, and my mom told me how it was like growing up with her and also my grandpa suffers from the marriage as well with her. It didn’t hit me until recently, that my grandma has her own disorder. And all the things she did to me growing up were manipulation tactics, etc.

[once removed]

CryWolf, ill be blunt:

stop talking to your friend about this. shes totally self referential and projecting herself and her experience (im not sure what her not missing her exes has to do with you or your situation, and im not sure her claiming she didnt reveals a balanced or insightful perspective) on yours, and shes not only invalidating, but needlessly rude about it. its hard to see where shes helping, in any event.

when i was where you are, i had a few people say some insensitive things to me. in retrospect, although they were skewed, there was still a grain of truth. i think that grain of truth is that youre reading too far into things. and i understand why you are, but i think its not helping you.

I guess what I want to hear, is that my ex misses me, that her posts show she's feeling hurt or something.

believe me when i say i asked a lot of people close to me to tell me similar things. i asked them to tell me those things repeatedly. and i told myself those things, and i read into things in order to cling to it further. i even told myself that my ex was so deep into her new relationship all because of the pain she was feeling over me.

clinging to this (what you want to hear) is prolonging your pain. your ex has had ample time to reach out. you gave it your best last shot with the closure letter. so far, shes not responded. that is really all you have to operate on.

looking back, i think at the end of the day my biggest fear, what was behind a lot of the pain, was the idea that i had been or would be completely forgotten, and insignificant. CryWolf, i have no problem telling you i have every confidence that is not the case.

So apparently my grandma has similar traits to cluster b type. She raised me and it took a toll on me. My T coorelated my relationship with my ex to my grandma and it was a bit shocking.

a member here, Kwamina, often says "all roads lead to the Coping and Healing (now Parent Sibling or Inlaw) board". do you find this insight helpful/useful?

you may want to consider working through it on that board.

[Jessica84]

Crywolf - I agree with once removed about your friend. Not helpful, almost mocking, definitely invalidating. I had friends like that. They listened about my bf... .to a point. They were supportive at first, but as I grew more obsessed, they grew more impatient.

One friend banned me from ever saying his name again!    I respected her wishes... .and it actually helped me. I found different topics to discuss - politics, hairstyles, movies... .took my mind off of him for awhile. But if I ever had that vacant stare, or started crying, she would say "ok, talk to me. What did he do this time?" 

Without really understanding BPD or how complex these relationships are, most people who care about us will have a hard time watching us suffer like we do. Or they have their limits on much they can listen to without screaming "move on!" Or they just don't care. Your friend may have reached her limit, doesn't understand, or doesn't care. That's for you to decide. I found it safest to discuss my issues here, or with a counselor. Less judgment, harsh words.

[CryWolf]

CryWolf, ill be blunt:

stop talking to your friend about this.

clinging to this (what you want to hear) is prolonging your pain. your ex has had ample time to reach out. you gave it your best last shot with the closure letter. so far, shes not responded. that is really all you have to operate on.

looking back, i think at the end of the day my biggest fear, what was behind a lot of the pain, was the idea that i had been or would be completely forgotten, and insignificant. CryWolf, i have no problem telling you i have every confidence that is not the case.

a member here, Kwamina, often says "all roads lead to the Coping and Healing (now Parent Sibling or Inlaw) board". do you find this insight helpful/useful?

Hey Once removed  ,

You hit everything to the tee. I stopped talking to my friend(s) about the relationship since my last post here.

After reading my ex's last posts and thinking if they were about me or not (especially it being posted right after we saw each other). Made me feel good/positive that she started missing me/starting to wonder and her feelings becoming confused with all these time and space. But whether this is true or not, I can't base that on if she will come back or not. And whether those posts were about me or not, I know she will miss me regardless and will think about me. Its human nature, BPD or not. This thought process helps me know she can't just forget me and I'll always be a part of her, as she will be a part of me.

Whether she comes back or not, who knows. But I am giving her what she wanted, I am giving her the space and time away from me she wanted. I am learning to be less selfish and not seeing our love as an object and "needing it". And how she's reacting to it, who knows? But I keep telling myself I know what I did for her, I know how well I treated her, and the words of affirmation, love, etc I gave her. Despite not knowing the tools to properly asses a situation with a pBPD, I did my best with the tools I had at the moment (shout out to Jessica) . I did my best to make her feel loved and welcomed at the time. This thought process is allowing me to stop blaming myself so much as to before. Although I know the relationship is 50% x 50%, and I would even tell my ex this during the relationship. Never did I curse at her, degrade her, call her names. I am better than that, and I applaud myself for always trying to talk things down and putting her feelings and emotions into consideration. Whether, she knows that or not is on her. And I hope I don't sound rude by saying that. But I am learning to not find validation from her anymore, as I did for so long. And I believe this ties into childhood and not being validated. Who knows, but at this moment it makes sense.

I am slowly starting to feel less attatched, and its scaring me. I want to cling on to anything but I am doing my best to not check on her, bump into her. I am telling myself her feelings are probably all over the place and shes confused if she wants to reach out or not. And I am practice radical acceptance on the possibilty that she wont reach out. I love this girl with all my heart, and even though she's not in my life right now, I am learning all these tools for the smallest chance she does. I dont think i have ever loved or cared about anyone like this before. And even though things didnt end well for us, I will always be grateful she came into my life.

Sorry, I rambled on for a bit. My preworkout/caffeine was kicking in haha  

They listened about my bf... .to a point. They were supportive at first, but as I grew more obsessed, they grew more impatient.

One friend banned me from ever saying his name again!

Without really understanding BPD or how complex these relationships are, most people who care about us will have a hard time watching us suffer like we do. Or they have their limits on much they can listen to without screaming "move on!" Or they just don't care. Your friend may have reached her limit, doesn't understand, or doesn't care. That's for you to decide. I found it safest to discuss my issues here, or with a counselor. Less judgment, harsh words.

Hey Jessica!,

I couldnt agree more with you! My friend would listen and always be there, even being upset she'd be like "okay tell me what happened now". But I do see her being impatient, and I guess its because she wants me to stop hurting. People who dont have experience with Bp relationships, mean well but they cant really give sound advice to our certain situations.

Im so grateful I found all of you. And I found this site, on mere luck after searching something like "do all BP cheat". I was so obsessed with finding answers and youtube was not helping at all. After reading some terrible information on BP on a website and how they all are impulsive and cheat when they can. So wrong.    

-------------------------

These past few days, I have been going out alone, and experiencing new things I never thought of doing. I went to this museum, went to new food places, enjoyed my own company.

I finally got the chance to read SWOE. I got to page 115. And what I read so far was about self harm and how a pBPD may do it for you to notice and help them. Or to take out certain anger and shame. As well as other reasons.

I have a question, and I know it may not be answered but its something I realized now and not sure if I should have done anything during the moment.

So last summer, my ex broke up with me after a petty argument over a small situation. And when was losing the argument, she accused me of something very very severe. And threatened me that she would call the police if I ever contacted her. A month or so later, we engage in contact again.( I reached out) The first time we hung out since then, we went to a restuarant. She went to the bathroom and came back, and I noticed marks on her arms. Like she dug into her arms and i saw the red bumps of the lines. They werent bleeding, but noticable. I didnt say anything because I didnt want her to feel embarresed, or make anything worse since it was my first time seeing her after so long. Now Im looking back and wondering if I should have mentioned it or not. Was this her way of punishing her self for the accusation she did to me, taking anger out for the situation. She's never done this before that im aware of. Just pondering, and this book has been very informative.

I'm also trying to become a little less active on this site as to before, because I've been reading a lot of "one size fits all" posts here, and its a bit detrimental for me at this time. I know you cant compare, and not everyone is the same. But it does take a toll sometimes and I tend to build scenarios until I stop myself and know whats true and not.

[Jessica84]

Sounds like you are practicing good self-care. 

This site can be helpful. It can also help to step away from it. Sometimes it can feel like information overload and short-circuit the brain! So listen to your gut. Don't give yourself any rules... just post when you feel like it, step away when you need to. 

Every pwBPD has different ways of dealing with emotional pain. Some pwBPD engage in physical self-harm, some don't. We all see and handle life differently. The best thing we can do for our loved ones is not make things worse. So, you were right not to shame or embarrass her for cutting herself. This is something SHE needs to address, when SHE is ready. The best thing you can do for yourself is keep taking care of YOU!   

[CryWolf]

I want to check in on my ex. I want to check her social media, and get some answers. But Im here instead at this moment. I am have more self control as to before. I think the most attractive thing I'm doing is respecting her decision. Her ex stalked her for months, over a year. I saw how turned off she was by him but I'd know she'd occasionally stalk his social media. Im sure she does this to me now. My social media is full of positivity and outgoing things that Ive never done before. Trying new things, Im actually evolving and growing from this breakup. I see myself into someone whom I never thought I would be before. I feel more mature in a sense? I feel more patient, aware, etc. I just feel something I didnt possess before. Its a bit hard to explain.

I keep asking myself, "why hasnt she responded yet" or "why is she not messaging me yet" but im sure she is either afraid, not ready, or other possibilities. Me asking myself why she hasnt messaged me possesses a sort of "needy" behavior. Once again seeking validation from her. I know I've done a lot to keep doors open, gave her sentimental gifts for her and her brother for christmas, tried talking in person, my final email. who knows what shes going through to be honest. I wish I knew, but thats none of my business now. I cant make things easy for her, and allow her to feel things on her own. To learn lessons on her own. Not always being there for her and realize if "our relationship is worth saving" rather than always saving it for her. She needs to realize if she loves me enough to message me. She needs the gift to miss me enough she will come to me. And who knows if this will happen. But I know, that overpursuing wont work. Her ex pushed her away by doing this, and so Im doing the contrary. I honestly feel that with all this space Im giving her, she is becoming more confused with her emotions and wondering if she made the right decision to leave me. She even told me one time, "i dont know if im going to regret this decision, I dont know if this is what I want." even during the final breakup she was hesitant to break up with me. So who knows what could happen. but i have to be okay with anything that happens.

I miss her. But the intrusive thoughts are way less. I feel I am detaching more by keeping myself busy as much as I can but I feel my mind becomes afraid and clings on to anything it can because If i detatch it means she will detach. BUT this is not true. She may be missing me like crazy right now, for all I know.

[Inko51]

Hi Crywolf,

Sounds like you are making good progress and your thoughts are driving some positive actions. If like me, you do tend to get good and bad days, but ultimately you seem to answer your own questions and know what works and doesn't work. How did her ex pursue her? Did he do this directly, or just via contacting through social media channels? I seem to recall you chased her at first (akin to myself), but now realise this is not the way to go.

Again, I read something yesterday which resonated with me and that is finding and sticking to your purpose in life and only wanting women in your life who respect you and actually want you and to stop chasing women who don't. This does mean actually walking away and spending time with girls who treasure you and value who you are. As we know chasing does not seem to work (and I can vouch for that!). It only demonstrates you are emotionally dependent on her.

I only wrote to my ex as she accused me of not caring about her and I therefore felt instigating NC would have just affirmed that view. But interestingly she is the one who ended it in the first place with no explanation and decided to block me and ignore me over Christmas, so is that caring behaviour I ask myself, but she clearly does not seem perturbed by her own behaviour, but expects different from others? She almost prides herself on demonstrating that she does not care, but in doing so, she is also clearly demonstrating what a poor prospect partner she is. Would I really want to be with someone who can be so readily callous?

I have reached the point where I now want to move on and the longer time goes on I start to think, do I really want someone in my life who has abandoned me, blocked me and over reacted by calling the police. I don't even check whether I am blocked and don't look at any of her social media as I don't feel that would lead anywhere good. I too post happy events, conservation issues and what activities I am doing on FB, but that's what I always did anyway and am not making a concerted effort just for her.

You are a smart guy and personally I feel you too also deserve much better and need to be the star of your own life. It's fascinating how we retain love attachments to our abuser. It's one of life's odd ironies that once you truly move on her interest level could be reignited. But is this the sort of relationship you would truly want?

[Inko51]

Another harsh lesson I have learned is how damaging and self-absorbed you can become without perhaps realising during this period of obsession and fixation.

I have been seeking support from basically any friends and family who are prepared to listen, but I guess it can also become draining for them too. I found myself getting frustrated as one friend seemed to go off the radar after initially offering great support. I found myself feeling letdown and then I had a response from them apologising, but because they have had tragic news themselves they have not been in a good place and yet they were apologising to me for not being in touch for a bit. I also have another friend whose health has nose dived and I didn't even consider her whilst I devoted my time and lifeblood to my love life.

When my ex abandoned me at Xmas I also had another friend who attempted suicide, so basically I am now also ensuring I focus on the needs of others too who are more deserving of our time and energies.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

Disclaimer: a bit drunk writing this, so I hope it makes sense.

Was at work yesterday and my coworker has my ex in her class. If only things weren't even more connected . Anyway, a very huge exam is coming up this week my coworker told me about, and I remember taking it last semester and teared up a bit during it due to being overwhelmed. Im sure my ex is extremely stressed about this exam because its one of those heavily talked about exams we have to take for a class we need for our degree. Its a very very hard exam that the majority people fail.

The past couple semesters, Ive always been there for her. Ive given her words of encouragement, dropped off food for her when she's not eating, or to do something sweet for her to show i care, told her words of affirmation when she's stressed with school and in times of finals. Ive given her notes, or shared information to help her with her classes. Even this semester, she has all my notes pertaining to this class.

But she doesnt have me physically there with encouragement anymore. She doesnt have me babying her or taking care of her or genuinely being there for her. And I think this is in my favor, or will be. I think she will start to "realize what she had but is gone now". Although this is a possibility, I understand the possibility of her not feeling this either.

I strongly feel that she is using her friends to fill in the void where Im not there anymore. Im not sure where this confidence or thought process comes from, but I believe its because im slowly starting to realize my self worth and also how i tolerated so much from my exBPD during the relationship. And I feel like she may feel my absence now. I feel like she may be regretting her decisions or actually start to start feeling confusion without me there for her.

We both are pursuing a career in pharmacy. I even helped her become registered to become a pharmacy technician, she only became motivated when I pushed to get my registration. and sent her a bunch of links to help her find a job after I found a job. And let me tell you, its difficult finding a pharmacy technician job. If I didnt first find a job in the professional field we both seek, then she would have never pushed herself either. I know this sounds a bit "full of myself" but i would get this vibe from her that was either more jealousy at times. or maybe this was just due to my self esteem. Idk.

Im trying my best not to hold on to hope, but rather just have faith and radical acceptance. I am also doing my absolute best to not give a ___ about what she thinks of me or anyone else. I am practicing self love. Im also not sure if what im doing or thinking is wrong or right. But its helping me. I never though I would come this far in my journey.

I love this girl so much, but im learning to love her in a more healthy way and learning to love myself. i think we tend to lose ourselves in a relationship by putting our partners needs first and forgetting our own. I admit I was a people pleaser, and to make my ex happy, i became inorganic to my true self.

I think giving my ex all this space is a good thing. I think she is missing me, and thats the best gift you can give anyone.

My feelings of this positivity flip flop however, of course at times in the day i miss her like crazy and feel sadness and despair. But what really helps is changing the thoughts from "what if she never comes back" to "what if she does come back?"

Thank you to all of you following my story, helping me, or trying to find answers in any way you can.

[CryWolf]

Last night my grandma came and handed me some pastries she made. And it slipped out but I said “that girl (exBPD) always loved these and loved your cooking” and then both my grandparents said “it’s okay we can invite her and make it all together one of these nights. I’ll make a bunch of the dishes she’s likes”. I started crying when they left the room, because they were very supportive in that moment. But also because that moment may never come where my ex comes over and we do that. She used to come over and we would cook together and spend time together with my grandparents. Or she’d stay at my house while at be at work or school. Shes never been so close to someone before like that. We became so close and my family was always good to her. Sadly she didn’t believe they liked her because her exes family hated her and her own family is against her... Her coming over and staying stopped the last year of the rs because of school and my grandparents wanted me to focus more on that and I was slacking too much in my grades after a semester of failing 3/4 classes because I was too focused on my rs with her. As well as my grandparents are old fashioned in their culture yet they became Americanized by letting me have her over. They believe in “marriage” first but they went against all that for me. Although their beliefs are different from mine I had to respect it because I’m living with them. So we didn’t have all this personal time together. My grandparents don’t know of the break up and I don’t talk to them about it.

A few nights ago, I held my baby brother. He’s 1yo. And I just started tearing up. My emotions are all over the place.

At work my coworker tells me he’s never seen me so confident, or smiling and laughing like before.

[CryWolf]

Next week is the last week of classes, and then summer vacation begins. I am doing my best to plan things to keep my mind off my ex and show im doing better without her. Things I have planned are maybe a music festival with some friends that i'm unsure of going, and my friends from my hometown (across the country) are visiting and planning a trip to Florida and invited me. I also want to go back home, (across the country) to visit my friends. I havent done this since I met my ex.

I want to go and do these things but I also dont, I think its becayse I have this little fear holding me back. Its the fear of my ex coming back into my life, and then having purchased these tickets and all these plans without her, it would push her back away. Everytime my friends visited she would pick a fight and start something from nothing. She wasn't okay with my leaving the state because her fear of abandonment and how she wasn't ready at the time. Last time I went to a concert, she blew up on me when I didn't answer her texts on time after I told her, my phone will be off until after the show to save my battery (i had the older iphones that constantly died like crazy).  I know this sounds absurd, and having these fears are holding me from living my life. But Im just afraid of that possibility.

I want to keep myself as busy as possible, and not stay home and think about her. I will most likely start working more at my jobs so that should also help.

How do I overcome these fears? If she does come back, how do I prevent her leaving again by still doing the things I planned for?

[CryWolf]

Fighting the urge to check her social media. I was on my parents computer earlier, and her social media popped up under the google bar with her picture. I saw it, and immediately left. I was tempted but am proud of myself I walked away, and did something else. Spent time with fam, went to the park and then gym.

Here I am, tempted once again. But I chose to come here. I miss her in the worst way possible. But I don't feel this fog over me anymore. I feel like I got my independence back or obtaining it for the most part.

The moments with her keep replaying, the laughs, the jokes, the good memories. The bad ones all faded away. I can recollect some, but I dont remember her for them. I wonder if she feels this too. Who knows? I want to reach out...

But I keep reading that will only push her away.

Finals are next week. She broke up with me the finals of last semester. i failed all my finals. But still passed my classes. The last day I saw her and spent time with her was on my birthday. Now my next birthday, who knows how traumatic it will be.

I am doing my best on not being hopeful she will reach out to give my notes back, but in a perfect world, I hope she texts me saying, "When do you want your notes" and I respond with, "you can drop them off, and have dinner with my family" maybe this is a little too much and might push her away again.

I just want to make a fun and lighthearted evening with her, and show her all the changes I made without telling her. Wishful thinking, but im being a fool right now.

The ball has been in her court, and she has yet to respond. Maybe she isnt ready, maybe she doesnt know her feelings, maybe im still painted black, maybe she is afraid of rejection. Who knows.

Im doing my best, and I hope im not a lost cause.

Thank you for reading

[once removed]

it sounds like youre hanging in there, CryWolf, and doing the best you can. none of this is easy.

resisting checking social media does get easier, and i found in the long run it kind of retrained my brain to avoid that sort of impulse.

hows it going with your therapist and counselor?

[CryWolf]

it sounds like youre hanging in there, CryWolf, and doing the best you can. none of this is easy.

resisting checking social media does get easier, and i found in the long run it kind of retrained my brain to avoid that sort of impulse.

hows it going with your therapist and counselor?

Thank you! Today I had the urge for her to see me, or walk by me to speed up the process and miss me. But instead, I left campus to the park. Took pics, played with someone’s husky (always wanted to pet one), then enjoyed dinner by myself And going to Watch the new avengers movie alone tonight. Doing what I can to keep my mind off her.

I still miss her like crazy, and it’s still hard processing emotions. She’s still on my mind but the codependency is fading away. I want her but I can live without her.

I haven’t seen the school therapist since last Monday. He can only see me once every two weeks. So this upcoming Monday will be our last session, as it will be summer, and I’d have to wait until August again. I’m a bit scared to not have a support system until then.

[CryWolf]

having terrible seperation anxiety today. Last night i came home after having a busy/fun day by myself. Right when i sat down I balled my eyes out before I fell asleep. I had a dream last night, where I was minding my own business then she approached me. Hugged me, and didnt say anything. We both cried, and just held each other. It felt so real and happy.

The more I distanced myself and gave her the space, I have dreams where she comes to me and its so blissful and she looks so happy to see me... Before when I was chasing, my dreams were of her dating someone else and looking at me with disgust and hatred. Its weird.

I want to reach out, i want to check in on her. I want to do so many things to know what shes doing or if shes with someone. But I know it wont serve me purpose. I have to keep reminding myself this. its so damn hard. Im sure everyone here has bigger problems than me, and I apologize if im making my situation a big deal. Im not even sure if I should be in the bettering relationship section or detaching section now. Its like i'm stuck in the middle doing both.

Its about to be 5 months now, and I still love her and think about her. She was my best friend, and I was hers. I miss her so much.

[once removed]

its so damn hard.

it really is. especially a first serious relationship. i still remember mine.

the dreams are really hard too. sometimes they can stick with you all day, and color everything. its hard to shake.

Im not even sure if I should be in the bettering relationship section or detaching section now. Its like i'm stuck in the middle doing both.

its a very personal decision. one thing i learned is that we have to take active steps to be "unstuck", whatever that entails.

i do think you have exhausted your options in terms of reaching out. as you said, the ball is in her court. there isnt really specific advice or specific steps left to actively improve the situation, though thats not to say you should not continue going down the route of introspection and self improvement; it is to say you can do that while detaching, and that letting go and grieving does not preclude her ever reaching out again. it does mean letting go of hope or waiting for it to happen.

or you can continue to wait, and the pain will follow. your circumstances may change. they may not, and its a matter of how long youre willing to wait. it was one of those decisions i couldnt make until i could, and i think thats true for everyone.

there are options, none of them are easy. its hard but we are with you 

[CryWolf]

it really is. especially a first serious relationship. i still remember mine.

its a very personal decision. one thing i learned is that we have to take active steps to be "unstuck", whatever that entails.

Yes this is so true. No matter what it is, you have to keep moving forward.

i do think you have exhausted your options in terms of reaching out. as you said, the ball is in her court. there isnt really specific advice or specific steps left to actively improve the situation

Sadly this is true. Sometimes she would state that she didnt know if she loved me or not. I never allowed her the chance to miss me. I was always there for her. If she craved ice cream, id go and surprise her with ice cream on her doorstep. I tried to be chivalrous and romantic without being a doormat but I now realized I didnt have boundaries like I should have. So hopefully now this space is giving her seperation anxiety and confusion about the breakup. I hope her feelings are clustered and shes wondering about me and if she made the right choice to leave.
I need to stop hoping though because it will prolong my pain. But this is where I am now.

ive completely revamped myself and turned into a better version of myself since the breakup and still working on it. The breakup allowed me to grow, and focus on what needed work on in our relationship and ourselves. But yes the ball is in her court. If she does come back, she has to earn me back and know my value.

Like I mentioned before, if she does reach out it would have to be for those notebooks. So who knows what she does.

I wish she knew how much I love her. Or she comes to understand her feelings and realize she did love me and not have this confusion. I read about her feelings of confusion on her blog way before we ever broke up, and she was always confused. how she has so much feelings for me but doesnt know if its love, if its the "once in the lifetime feeling" etc. I guess only time can tell.

[CryWolf]

Saw my therapist, and we got deeper into boundaries and understanding codependency. As well as each relationship with certain people will always be different and different boundary limits will be applied.

We discussed how every time I was making changes in my life,

Finding a job in pharmacy (she wanted one too but I got it before her), getting a raise, getting good grades when my ex wasn't, etc. All the positive changes I was making, I realized she was becoming a bit more distant each time.

It was making her feel abandoned because we essentially became "one" although I never saw it that way. But it makes sense. I sensed jealousy at times when I thought Id expect her to be more happy and proud. At times she would say "im so proud of you" or "wow good job" but it didn't feel sincere. Maybe I was overthinking.

I feel more secure and aware of my feelings now. Im not in the "fixer" mode anymore or at least try not to be. I had to always fix things and dwell on them before.

[CryWolf]

She used to cal me a "damsel" or "too sensitive" but I was always on edge because I didnt know if she was joking or being serious by the things she'd say at times. And the way she was describing me, was exactly how I felt about her. I felt she always was in a crisis, always complaining about the same thing EVERYDAY! how people at school cant drive, how someone might be watching her in their car, how people cant park, how someone almost hit her. everyday damn day. I picked up so many bad habits from her.

One thing that pissed me off so damn much, was she was always late. 30 minutes, an hour, 2 hours. I would be waiting at the restuarant, or in the car outside, and she knew how much I hate being late or waiting. yet she would do it. She would apologize, but i told her, "youre not sorry otherwise youd stop doing it". I had to force boundaries and I lost a lot of patience with her. Even when it came to putting her coat on, she would take so long putting it on. I hated who i became.