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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Had to ask for help tonight, was so close to contacting her  (Read 367 times)
lighthouse9
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« on: April 11, 2018, 10:16:49 PM »

Hey good people,

It's been a rough few weeks and I haven't had much time to do the kind of soul searching I want to /need to right now because I've been so busy with the move and three jobs. I'm overwhelmed, to say the least, and still struggling with some of the FOO stuff since moving back to town. Every day has been a fight with myself not to contact her. We aren't technically no contact, but she's not emotionally available and I'd just be making things harder for myself by reaching out at this moment.

I was grateful for two good friends who talked me down over text. I have all of her social media blocked or unfriended, but I found myself searching for anything I could find tonight for a clue as to how she's doing and almost unblocked her on Facebook. Rational me knows that social media is such a poor litmus test and that I had taken measures to block and unfriend her for a reason (when in a better state of mind). Irrational me just wanted a taste of her and what she's up to right now. It was a really weak moment.

I was so close to texting her but texting my friend instead that I was going to do it. She walked me through it and then had to run somewhere, so I pulled another friend in because I was still feeling weak. That friend kept me on text for a bit and I opened up about some of my uncomfortable thoughts. I think I've been getting depressed and I have a doctor's appointment next week, so I'm going to bring it up to the doctor and try to find a local therapist since I won't see my other counselor until I'm back in town for work (in the state I just moved from, I'm working remotely right now). I don't have suicidal urges, but I have found myself wondering what my STBX wife experiences when she self-harms and was curiously eyeing my pocket knife to see if I could get anything out of cutting. I'm not a drinker, but I keep a good bottle of scotch on hand because 1. I love scotch and 2. the burn is incredible when I feel awful like this. So, I had some scotch and texted my friend. I miss my heavy bag (new apartment is small and I had a garage in the old house), so I prioritized unpacking my fitness equipment so I could set up a gym space in the new apartment. It's small, but it will work. I'm going to pick up my sandbag out of storage tomorrow over the weekend so I can start taking it out and throwing it around. I just feel like I have too much in me that can't get out and my FOO is severely discouraging me from showing any emotion about stuff.

While texting my friend I had a good cathartic cry, which I haven't done in a while. I'm feeling better now, but still miss her like hell and still wish she was emotionally available for a phone call and some mutual processing. She comes home from her training soon and that's when I'll have a better idea of what's next for us. There's a good chance a lot of this was triggered by a manic episode that could still be happening, which means that there's also a really good chance that her memory is fried and that I just don't exist to her in any meaningful way after all of this time apart. Good times.

Anyways, I don't know where I'm going with this except to say crap, it's gotten really bad for me, I'm doing what I need to do but it still sucks. I have moments where I wish I would just fly off the handle and do all the wrong things for a change, like text bomb her or do something messy for myself and not give a crap. It's just not who I am, but doing the "right" thing feels like crap. I'm grateful for good friends who talked me through it tonight and reminded me that doing the "wrong" thing would just create new questions for me and wouldn't answer old ones, and would just lead to more confusion and hurt. There's nothing to gain there, except for another hit on a drug that I don't need. This might be me coming down from the codependency, but has anyone else felt like they'd do anything to just be up in the chaos again, so at least they had something to gnaw on? I have so many amazing hobbies and so much going on (which might be the problem, I'm too busy for the fun stuff right now) but all I want is another hit of her dysfunction to keep my mind stimulated. What kind of dysfunctional mess is that? (It's mine, I'm owning it. Ugh is it ugly.)
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spero
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« Reply #1 on: April 11, 2018, 10:33:47 PM »

Hey there lighthouse9,

I hear you. I'm sorry you're feeling like this now. It is tough to miss a "loved" one, while constantly struggling the disconnect between your rational mind and emotions. I'd extend a warm   to you. I'm in a similar place as well, i do miss my uBPDexGF. But i know nothing good comes out of another re-engagement. I do believe we'll cycle through this "now and then", but through each cycle, i think we'll eventually miss it lesser and lesser with time.

I know very well on an intellectual level, that if i re-engage, i'll just be getting myself burned again and not give myself a chance to heal from my "burns". The very fact that you're showing restraint is yet another step away from being "co-dependent" so, lighthouse9, here is a pat on your back, and give yourself a pat too.

We're always here to listen. Take heart, dear lighthouse9.

Spero

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Speck
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« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2018, 10:41:34 PM »

lighthouse9,

I am so glad that you have good friends to pull you off the ledge tonight. You've been through so much (emotionally & physically) in the past month, it makes my head spin. I greatly admire your tenacity to soldier on.

I also understand it's common to resort to self-destructive tendencies post a catastrophic emotional blow. There's no shame in the thoughts to do so because they are just thoughts. We get into trouble when we pull the trigger on those thoughts. To combat that, here are some ideas:

1. Get some good sleep, starting nowish.
2. Retrieve heavy bag out of storage ASAP.
3. Plan some good, healthy meals with plenty of protein for this weekend.
4. Touch base with your good, safe friends at least once a day.
5. Hide your pocket knife.
6. Keep talking to us if it helps.

We are here for you 24/7.


 Speck
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lighthouse9
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« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2018, 01:34:52 PM »

Thanks Spero and Speck, your support is so much appreciated.

Speck - I don't know why, but just you saying that what I've been through makes your head spin really made me feel better. I have a hard time reminding myself that this isn't normal, because it's been my normal for a few months now. It's a bizarre place to be in, to feel like this is the new normal and also still feel like it's happened so fast. I caught myself dissociating a little bit when I first moved into my place, having a hard time feeling like this was real and that I was living this experience. I had another friend tell me that she was shocked I wasn't dissociating more, given how quickly and dramatically things changed.

The self-destructive things are definitely just thoughts, and it helps to say them "out loud" sometimes. In all of this, it's become clear that I need more support than I'm getting at home and that home has just added some new challenges that also require support. I've signed up for some stuff to hopefully help with that and am going to be a little more selective about what I share with my family regarding how I'm doing/what I'm doing to heal.

Spero - thanks for the reminder that restraint is a step away from the codependency. I've been able to do a lot of observing through some of these darker thoughts. One of the things I've been observing is how much my desire to help is sometimes rooted in something selfish and not helpful for the person/situation I'm trying to help. I also just had a thought today, while on a call for work, about how much I love my job because it's one giant mess and I get to do a lot of problem solving at work. In other words, problem solving isn't a bad thing - it just needs to stay in its place. Problem solving a partner who doesn't want your problem solving is not that.

Sometimes though, I just want her to come back so I can be a better partner. I wasn't necessarily bad, but I've learned so much over the last few months that would make me so much better for her, and so much better for myself. That in itself makes me wish for another shot. But, rationally I know that it takes more than one person, and I don't have much faith that she's been doing the kind of work that would make her a better partner during this time. I know she can do it, she's brilliant and thoughtful and caring, but right now she won't or doesn't feel like it is possible. It's hard not to swoop in and say "yes it is, here, let me show you" - but that's my work to not do that!

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Speck
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« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2018, 11:20:11 PM »

lighthouse9!

I had another friend tell me that she was shocked I wasn't dissociating more, given how quickly and dramatically things changed.

I'm with your friend! Really... .you've been through absolute hell... .you moved an entire house by your own damn self and moved to another state. I seriously marvel at your determined courage. You've got this, friend. A'int nobody gonna breaka your style, cause you're tough as nails! Remember this when you see yourself reaching for your phone... .

It's hard not to swoop in and say "yes it is, here, let me show you" - but that's my work to not do that!

I'm a fixer/problem solver, myself. I know this urge well. Resist! And the learned helplessness of others may bear fruit to problem-solving, too. Just an observation; I'm still learning to secure my own oxygen mask... .

If you hurt, talk to us. Step by step, we heal.


-Speck
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lighthouse9
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« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2018, 09:46:10 AM »

Thanks so much Speck, I really appreciate the encouragement.

Last night was a better night and I'm almost completely moved in to the new place. I didn't have a ton of catching up to do on the classes I'm teaching, so I sat down at my music station in the new place and jammed for an hour before bed. Before I moved here, I bought a small desk to put in the living room where I could set up all of my equipment independent of my work stuff, with the idea being that I'd be less likely to want to jam if it was all sitting by my work stuff (and less likely to want to work if my music equipment was there). I'm still brand new with the midi keyboard and the recording software, but hearing my guitar linked up to all of the new gadgets was reallllly fun.

I have some very noisy neighbors who may be up to no good next door (my hunch is hard drugs), but instead of reporting them for the late night noise I decided to take advantage of the noise and make my own. I can be pretty inflexible and lost any of my easy going nature in this relationship, so I'm trying to face some of the discomfort of my new place like its all one big school for me to learn new skills. I also signed up for an online DBT program that I'm excited about. I had originally researched it for her, but I personally got so much from my DBT therapist before I moved that I thought this might be a great way to keep learning the skills that can help me with some of the inflexibility and my own distress tolerance. This might be a bit more distress than usual, but that doesn't mean I don't have to learn how to deal with it. I also need to do much better with my FOO and I know that finding peace there will be like unlocking a new level for me when it comes to building my next relationship, with her or anyone else.

I really agree with your point about others' learned helplessness bearing fruit to problem solving. I can see this as a mistake of mine in the relationship - I always swooped in too early and didn't interrupt the learned helplessness. Heck, I may have even taught some of it to her. She's an extremely capable and talented human being in other aspects of her life and we had some great talks about that as a positive on her side when it comes to healing. I remember one conversation in particular when she wanted me to help her turn on the electricity at her new place and I kindly said no, because her impulsively getting an apartment was something that really hurt me and I thought she was capable of figuring it out herself. In that conversation, she defended her ability to figure things out because she's a doctor and clearly very smart. I just looked at her and said ok, then you can figure out the electricity, and I'm working on treating you like the smart adult that you are so it's in both of our best interests that I don't do this for you. She just paused and looked at me and said, "I can't believe how insightful you are sometimes." I just smiled and said "I'm doing my work" and she said "me too." This was one of our better days before she left and dysregulated further (the next day she was screaming at me out of nowhere for not giving her what she wanted aka filing for divorce myself). But, it reminds me of the role I played in getting us to the point where things crashed and how, with her or anyone, I could be a lot less enabling and maybe get much better results.
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Speck
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« Reply #6 on: April 19, 2018, 02:55:23 AM »

Hello, lighthouse9:

Just checking on you. Your last post was filled with introspection. How have you been doing since the last time you shared?

We're here if you need to talk (especially about music!). FUN!


-Speck
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lighthouse9
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« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2018, 02:11:08 PM »

Hey Speck,

Thanks for checking in. I'm managing, doing my best with the uncertainty. The new apartment is starting to come together and though it is lightyears from the kind of home I want to be living in at this point in my life, I'm proud of myself for making the move and carving out a space to process.

I saw a new therapist today and we talked about the potential of some PTSD like symptoms from past relationships and some issues with my FOO that were triggered by my wife's actions. She confirmed and said she absolutely thought I was dealing with PTSD, so we're going to work through some of that. I also started an online DBT psychoed program (not therapy) to help me learn some of those skills, both for myself and for some of the emotionally volatile folks in my life. Again, I hope to "lead the way" here.

Today is supposedly her last day of training and I have no idea what is next for her, if she's going right home or visiting family/friends on the way. I'll be waiting out the next communication from her and think I'm as prepared as I can be. For now though, I'm trying to make peace with all of this uncertainty and the temporary-ness of everything in my life. One of the classes I'm teaching comes to a close in another week and I managed to not get fired, which is a plus. I think I'm going to quit my other teaching job to give myself some more time to explore my new life, even if it is temporary. I need to put more time into my full time job, and 80 hours a week between 3 jobs plus all of the other stuff going on has been a bit too much. At the least, I need some time and space to think about what I want next.

The new therapist confirms what everyone else has already professionally confirmed, if my storytelling of the situation is accurate (and my perception accurate). It's likely BPD or Bipolar or both, though this latest instance has most people leaning towards mania with some psychotic features. If that's the case, there's a chance she comes out of it and wants to reconcile, which I would absolutely do if she could commit to quality care. That's made things a bit more difficult though, because it's definitely influenced me to keep the door open a little bit and has drawn out my detachment.

The thing I keep telling myself (and this might be my faith coming in), is that I'm exactly where I need to be and that I'm going through exactly what I need to go through. I have big ambitions and the work I do easily gains me recognition. The next couple of steps for me professionally will require a really high level of emotional intelligence, as will the next couple of life steps, with my parents aging and other family stuff. I keep telling myself that this is my time to learn to be the rock I know I can be and to not squander my gifts.

This doesn't mean that I still don't feel awful sometimes and don't miss her like crazy, but I have enough to work on with myself to not overly focus on the work I wish she was doing. Hearing another therapist echo my concerns about PTSD for myself really encourages me to work through some of my trauma, which I know I brought into our marriage. I'm getting hit with memories randomly throughout the day. They aren't necessarily bad memories, just bland, benign things from our life together. It's like my mind wants to remind me that I didn't make up this marriage and that I shouldn't wholesale believe her new memory of it. She left me with such a different view of our past than I did, and I was so ready to do anything to make her feel better that I believed her wholesale and apologized for everything. These memories I'm getting are coming up at the weirdest times, and they hurt because I'm just remembering all that is lost, but they are a reminder that I didn't make this stuff up.

I imagine things will get really rocky here soon, and I have no idea what to expect. It's really hard, but I really have no choice but to face up and do my best to lead the way, and when I can't, respond, not react.

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Cromwell
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« Reply #8 on: April 20, 2018, 03:04:26 PM »

I think maybe that you have had space, these memories even of banal things might be a form of processing, trying to figure things out or something out that is unresolved. Its interesting to me as I picked up some knowledge, then recalled more banal moments with my BPDx, that I could see something in that apparently uninteresting time, a clue, that I had overlooked before. It could have just been a small remark she made, but with what ive learned, it now takes on a more important meaning that I didnt pay attention to at the time.

Well done not contacting, how do you feel about just removing her phone number or changing yours etc so that it doesnt happen. I did this and I know that having her number in my phone would have made the temptation very great. its just too convenient to do it, or even if you have a few drinks and get weak at the time.
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lighthouse9
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« Reply #9 on: April 20, 2018, 03:13:38 PM »

Thanks for responding Cromwell.

I won't be removing her number, we still have too many logistics to deal with for that to be prudent. Also, I've moved out of state so the temptation to meet up, even if it were there, is not logistically possible.
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« Reply #10 on: April 21, 2018, 11:25:23 PM »

Thanks for responding Cromwell.

I won't be removing her number, we still have too many logistics to deal with for that to be prudent. Also, I've moved out of state so the temptation to meet up, even if it were there, is not logistically possible.


In my opinion, the longer you keep her phone number the longer it will charm you. In our minds, we are designed with an ability such as impulses, when you have something in front of you, you are tempted to take a crack at it, when you know that you are in control, it doesn't seem so tempting anymore. Heal and Let go, its the best thing you can do for yourself.

Good luck.
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lighthouse9
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« Reply #11 on: April 22, 2018, 09:04:50 AM »

Hey Struggler,

I appreciate your opinion, but it is, as I said to Cromwell, it is not prudent at this time. Also, your advice to heal and let go is also not prudent. There is still room for reconciliation in my relationship, albeit small room. My goals on the detaching board have been to detach from the relationship as it was while leading the way to something different, by doing my own work. I have no idea if she wants to, is capable of, or is ready to enter something like that with me. By not contacting her now, I am resisting any urge to rush a situation that doesn't need to be rushed. She's not available emotionally. I get that. She may never be, and I may hit my point where I've had enough and no longer want to carve out a new path that she could join me on. I'm not at that point. I'm also not actively trying to better a relationship, because I do see our previous marriage as gone and over. There are too many things that we both did wrong for it to be saved.

The next few weeks will be the window where I will learn more about her emotional availability. It's been difficult waiting things out and giving her space, but it has given me the space to do my own work. Maybe I should step back to the bettering board for this period, because it seems like I'm posting to the wrong crowd.

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« Reply #12 on: April 22, 2018, 10:53:37 AM »

I think you have your head on quite straight.  You’re doing the right thing for your situation, and you understand the ramifications of your relationship either working out or not.

It seems you’ve been remarkably level-headed and strong... .even with the impulses to want to get in touch.

Keep on your path.
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lighthouse9
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« Reply #13 on: April 22, 2018, 10:55:16 AM »

Thanks Stixx, I really appreciate it. The waiting game sucks, but I guess it's not completely waiting when I am living my life otherwise.
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« Reply #14 on: April 22, 2018, 11:21:42 AM »

Hey Struggler,

I appreciate your opinion, but it is, as I said to Cromwell, it is not prudent at this time. Also, your advice to heal and let go is also not prudent. There is still room for reconciliation in my relationship, albeit small room. My goals on the detaching board have been to detach from the relationship as it was while leading the way to something different, by doing my own work. I have no idea if she wants to, is capable of, or is ready to enter something like that with me. By not contacting her now, I am resisting any urge to rush a situation that doesn't need to be rushed. She's not available emotionally. I get that. She may never be, and I may hit my point where I've had enough and no longer want to carve out a new path that she could join me on. I'm not at that point. I'm also not actively trying to better a relationship, because I do see our previous marriage as gone and over. There are too many things that we both did wrong for it to be saved.

The next few weeks will be the window where I will learn more about her emotional availability. It's been difficult waiting things out and giving her space, but it has given me the space to do my own work. Maybe I should step back to the bettering board for this period, because it seems like I'm posting to the wrong crowd.




I wish you the best, but just keep in mind to not lose yourself and remember that BPD is not the same for everyone. Keep healthy boundaries, and you yourself will be healthy. Relationships are suppose to make you feel better not cause stress. Patience is virtue, but like they say you must improve your emotional health as well. Keep us updated, and remember to treat yourself with the same ounce of respect and dignity!
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lighthouse9
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« Reply #15 on: April 22, 2018, 11:37:02 AM »

Thanks so much Struggler, I really appreciate it. I think one of the biggest challenges is wondering if it's bipolar or BPD, though I know either way she needs help.

I hit up a really awesome martial arts class yesterday and that was awesome. I didn't think of her the entire time and signed up for a membership for the month to give me something to go to on a regular basis. I definitely need to take some weight off from stress eating in the relationship and I sleep so much better when I wear myself out physically. This feels like a good fit. I also got back to meal planning and am establishing some structure for myself for the time being. Sometimes it feels like me to do these things and sometimes it feels like a distraction from her. I'm a hell of a lot farther along than where I started though, so that's good.
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« Reply #16 on: April 22, 2018, 12:12:45 PM »

Thanks so much Struggler, I really appreciate it. I think one of the biggest challenges is wondering if it's bipolar or BPD, though I know either way she needs help.

I hit up a really awesome martial arts class yesterday and that was awesome. I didn't think of her the entire time and signed up for a membership for the month to give me something to go to on a regular basis. I definitely need to take some weight off from stress eating in the relationship and I sleep so much better when I wear myself out physically. This feels like a good fit. I also got back to meal planning and am establishing some structure for myself for the time being. Sometimes it feels like me to do these things and sometimes it feels like a distraction from her. I'm a hell of a lot farther along than where I started though, so that's good.


There you go, we find inspiration in the most random of plsces. Work on yourself in the meantime, I know it feels like the end but it isnt its the start of you being better to yourself. Keep pushing yourself and strive for greatness. Start treating yourself as the first priority and dont be afraid to talk. We’re here for you.
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« Reply #17 on: April 23, 2018, 05:27:20 AM »

Hi lighthouse9,

Fellow stress eater here.  It's great to hear that you've found a good class that you enjoyed.  Some renewal is definitely a good move.  Your strength and courage is outstanding.  I'd also agree that reducing some of your time pressure with work will be a positive thing that allows you to focus on those areas you consider priorities for yourself.  You're doing an amazing job.  Be proud of yourself   Thinking of you at this time of uncertainty around contact from your wife.  Let us know how things go.

Love and light x
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