Reading about cluster bs becomes counter-productive

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been 5 months since my ex cluster b cheated, left and cut me off and had no contact since. Just wondering with all reading people do to learn what happened to them if comes a point that I'm not letting go because you become almost addicted to reading about it so in ways making yourself think about them more daily.

[Gunit1]

It's been 5 months since my ex cluster b cheated, left and cut me off and had no contact since. Just wondering with all reading people do to learn what happened to them if comes a point that I'm not letting go because you become almost addicted to reading about it so in ways making yourself think about them more daily.

[Harley Quinn]

Is this something you find yourself doing?  I did a lot of research during the r/s and afterwards I felt I needed answers to help me understand more and cope with what I was going through.  There does come a point though that we need to accept what has happened and start to look ahead.  How are you doing?

Love and light x

[Gunit1]

Is this something you find yourself doing?  I did a lot of research during the r/s and afterwards I felt I needed answers to help me understand more and cope with what I was going through.  There does come a point though that we need to accept what has happened and start to look ahead.  How are you doing?

Love and light x

Yeah though only once devalue discard came in. Before that I always knew something was bit off but caught up in all love bs. Even tho I was jsut her affair for year and half slowly I was giving up parts of own life to fit into her time. Is it normal for cluster bs to wanna not only see u much as they can but call you to and from work and anytime they can? I found giving up own things Coz she wanted to talk so often. Things like that and selfish side and lies is what started notice from start.

[Cromwell]

I often thought this myself, that if I spent less time reading about the condition or other people's experiences, I would have already recovered. I dont think this is true though, i notice the more I have learned the better I start to feel. when I look back, the time that I knew nothing about BPD and never thought to even find out more than what my ex would tell me, I really was clueless and the proverbial babe in the woods.

It has been a learning curve since then and I have found out far more about my ex, after breaking up, then I did when I was with her. It has shown me that I really did not know this person for 3 years anywhere near what I thought I did. Such is the nature of the condition.

We all heal at different rates and much depends on the unique circumstances we went through. To answer your question about cluster bs demanding a lot of time, all I can say is that I have experience with NPD and BPD and both when they needed me, were completely overbearing with regards to not just wanting to see me, but knowing what I was up to at all times of the day.

when it suited them, they could just disappear and I wouldnt know anything and they wouldnt be interested at all to feel the need to know if maybe I wanted their company, especially true of NPD. It all depends how much you are needed at any given time of their life, which will of course vary depending on their other options.

[JNChell]

Hi, Gunit1.   This is a good topic.

Just wondering with all reading people do to learn what happened to them if comes a point that I'm not letting go because you become almost addicted to reading about it so in ways making yourself think about them more daily.

This is definitely something that many of us do. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it an addiction as I would venture to call it obsessive information seeking. We simply want to know what the hell we had just been through, and why. We received no closure, Gunit1.

It’s also important to be careful in what you take to heart from what you read. I can say with confidence that this support group is your best resource for this. Continue to read other sources, but if you find something questionable, bring it back here to discuss. This helps every member here.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. This stuff is hard enough as it is. We’re right here with you.

[Harley Quinn]

Is it normal for cluster bs to wanna not only see u much as they can but call you to and from work and anytime they can? I found giving up own things Coz she wanted to talk so often.

The fear of abandonment plays into that, which can lead to neediness and paranoia about you leaving her for another - and also a lack of object constancy.  In other words, when you are gone, you are gone and don't exist, unless she touches base with you in some way to keep up that connection.  From my own experience, I was bombarded with texts all day every day and he had meltdowns if I didn't reply even if he knew it was impossible.  He could only see what he was feeling in that moment.  It is very demanding to try to meet those expectations.  Having clear boundaries is essential.  I for one, failed miserably at that.   

It sounds like you may be finding yourself ruminating.  Where would you say you are in your healing process?

Love and light x

[Gunit1]

I often thought this myself, that if I spent less time reading about the condition or other people's experiences, I would have already recovered. I dont think this is true though, i notice the more I have learned the better I start to feel. when I look back, the time that I knew nothing about BPD and never thought to even find out more than what my ex would tell me, I really was clueless and the proverbial babe in the woods.

It has been a learning curve since then and I have found out far more about my ex, after breaking up, then I did when I was with her. It has shown me that I really did not know this person for 3 years anywhere near what I thought I did. Such is the nature of the condition.

We all heal at different rates and much depends on the unique circumstances we went through. To answer your question about cluster bs demanding a lot of time, all I can say is that I have experience with NPD and BPD and both when they needed me, were completely overbearing with regards to not just wanting to see me, but knowing what I was up to at all times of the day.

when it suited them, they could just disappear and I wouldnt know anything and they wouldnt be interested at all to feel the need to know if maybe I wanted their company, especially true of NPD. It all depends how much you are needed at any given time of their life, which will of course vary depending on their other options.

Yeah I can relate to you there on them wanting to know where was, what was doing and with who all the time, I'd get txts after lunch and at nights seeing if I was with anyone else. But If I started to always ask was a big no no. If I was out with friends she would expect consistent txts. If she was out I'd be lucky to get 1 txt whole night.

[Gunit1]

The fear of abandonment plays into that, which can lead to neediness and paranoia about you leaving her for another - and also a lack of object constancy.  In other words, when you are gone, you are gone and don't exist, unless she touches base with you in some way to keep up that connection.  From my own experience, I was bombarded with texts all day every day and he had meltdowns if I didn't reply even if he knew it was impossible.  He could only see what he was feeling in that moment.  It is very demanding to try to meet those expectations.  Having clear boundaries is essential.  I for one, failed miserably at that.   

It sounds like you may be finding yourself ruminating.  Where would you say you are in your healing process?

Love and light x

I got that to and would get more if I didn't respond quickly enough. Funny enough if it was the other way round then I was just being needy haha. Discard time was when it was all used against me, everything she actually did

[MyBPD_friend]

For me, finding resources of information, this great forum and other supply for understanding was extremely important. I have a strong need to understand things, especially with the BPD and Cluster B issues.
my friend never gave any answers, that meant I had to find explanations for her behaviour and about why I was so attached and attracted to her.

With much work on my own, I did find a lot of answers that helped me understand my childhood traumas better and I now understad much more about BPD.

As I've read here, they are all different and yet display the same or simular patterns of behaviour.

[Ex2BPD]

... .not letting go because [one becomes] almost addicted to reading about it so in ways making yourself think about them more daily.

I "get" the question, Gunit1, and it's thought-provoking to someone like myself who returns to this community 2 or 3 times a day.

Reading about Cluster B's (on this board as well as other 'thriving-surviving' sites that deal with the after-affects of a BPD breakup) does several things for me at this fresh-wound stage of break up (I'm one month out of a daily-drama, seven-month relationship):

Being co-dependent I thought that once I 'fixed' the problems of my BPD boyfriend I would have a truly wonderful lover... .Oopsie!

Here are three reasons that I think that will return to this site well into the future:

1.  No Contact = No Closure - There is no way on Earth that I have the energy to "prove to" my ExBPD how eff'in illogical his, I love you, I DESPISE you pendulum was.  The guy is a tightly wound manic who can go 5-7 days without sleep.  So, "Closure" and the customary kiss-kiss-hug-hug after a "normal" breakup is out of the question = No closure.

2.  Clarity = Because I cannot get clarity, I'm faced with a tsunami of cognitive dissonance over a man who cut off all contact with me because I interrupted him (cross talk violation) ... .when we had spent every minute of the previous week in love-rapture making formal, legal plans to move to another state and live in one-on-one bliss.

I mean, I was CONVINCED this was the LOVE that I had been looking for all my Life.
"Poof!" all gone after the "trophy" of my commitment was secured.

3. Confirmation = Affirmation. Since I cannot get a straight response from ExBPD, there is no clarity, the ONLY source that I have to get cognitive affirmation from a knowledgeable source is by interacting with others in the same situation.  (Like... .[duh]... .my therapist gave me a copy of Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" ... .what a waste!)  The book is 25 years old, my therapist can only see me every 3 weeks, and couldn't possibly understand the mind-efF that I spent seven months trying to make sense of.

THIS Community meets all three of my main needs for now.  

Later? When I'm well into my 'Fresh Start' -- it will be 'return the favor' time to those who come after me.  The Melanie Tonia Evans model appeals to me (i.e. don't let THIS happen to You!)

Life: I stay where I feel that I *need* to be, for as long as I *need* to be there. As I learn and grow, I shed old modiS -- but -- hmmmm?

'Counter-productive', you ask?
In 12-step programs, particularly AA, I believe the "investment" is life-long. From my perspective, recovery from BPD-attraction is not much different.

I wonder if some people NEVER get over their smash-up with a BPD?

[Skip]

if comes a point that I'm not letting go because you become almost addicted to reading about it

If we are not reaching for growth, then absolutely, yes. It's like watching the video of lost football game over and over.

If we are watching the "films" to see what our partner was all about and to extrapolate that t better understanding of human nature, then no, it's not a waste of time.  If we then turn our investigative skills of onto ourselves and start understanding who we are, then noit's not a waste of time.  If we go on to dig deep to understand what are the values of successful relationships, so that we can live them, then, no, it's not a waste of time. 

We have to be doing this with purpose. We won't always make progress, but if we have a purpose, we will reach it.

'Counter-productive', you ask?
In 12-step programs, particularly AA, I believe the "investment" is life-long. From my perspective, recovery from BPD-attraction is not much different.

In many ways, yes.

[Cromwell]

I dont read about cluster bs (which encompasses a wide field of i think 3 personality disorders?). I think it doesnt give me much progress of where I aim to get to by psychiatrising her behaviour, I notice also the power of words in that I never speak of her by using her actual name, as was a daily occurence in the R/S. The habit of writing "BPDx" and seeing it used repeatedly, in a subtle way, has dehumanised her to a certain extent, as if I was evaluating some phenomena as a cold, dispassionate science technician in a lab. If I was to use her name instead, it would invoke still some strong emotion. This wasnt and still isnt entirely, a person that I want to study for the sake of academic interest, it was a person I felt love for, who had a diagnosed PD, and by lumping her instead into a box and trying to read about cluster bs and think "hmm, maybe she was a narcisst aswell - lets dig deeper". I feel that this process would only seek to give me some sort of elevated position by affirming that by not having a PD i win by default, and after all, from what ive read, these are just sick and disturbed deviant people, regardless of any reasons why, I was just unlucky to have crossed her path.

I would be just fooling myself, and yes to that extent Id find all that time to be generally unproductive. Ive found more traction in focusing my empasis on the unique dynamics of the R/S I had, and not focus beyond that. How she treated me, regardless of the label. How I reacted to it, Why I reacted to it. but most importantly, how I felt at every stage, and if I felt devastated and hurt, why on earth did I stay a minute longer than I needed to? It has been helpful to draw parallels with what other people have went through in their own unique circumstances, but I dont try to extrapolate that too much into thinking that it makes her part of some collective group that are just dispersed throughout society holding common traits that make them easily identifiable now that I have the knowledge and experience of "red flags".

Knowing my luck I wont end up with a cluster b next, probably a high functioning psychopath, who has a whole different set of red flags. The point im trying to make is for my own progress, ive found success at focusing on my own intuition and feelings as a result of the behaviours of the other person and how to respond to it in a more effective way. If I had done this after the first day I met my BPDx I wouldnt be even on this forum or have any need to read about the condition, looking back, there was no red flags but I cant help but think that in the midst of the allure she gave out, I did have reservations about her far early on but chose to consciously over-ride them. Its that process ive identified that needs the most work on.

[MyBPD_friend]

I really must agree.

I still find myself reading here and reading about BPD and Cluster B is kind of addictive.

I think we all want to have answers to what happened to us and with us in a BPD relationship.
We do find more knowledge and understanding, but our questions stay unanswered by zthe BPD.

In my case, I feel so much relief, I deleted all my letters to my BPD friend, all her pictures, her phone number.
On top I wrote a 'good bye' letter to her last week, she is 180 miles away - fortunately.

Last week I also got a new phone number and had the old provider delete the old exisiting number. Now I'm not afraid anymore, she could contact me again - that feels good and helps detaching from her.

[Cromwell]

I really must agree.

I still find myself reading here and reading about BPD and Cluster B is kind of addictive.

I think we all want to have answers to what happened to us and with us in a BPD relationship.
We do find more knowledge and understanding, but our questions stay unanswered by zthe BPD.

In my case, I feel so much relief, I deleted all my letters to my BPD friend, all her pictures, her phone number.
On top I wrote a 'good bye' letter to her last week, she is 180 miles away - fortunately.

Last week I also got a new phone number and had the old provider delete the old exisiting number. Now I'm not afraid anymore, she could contact me again - that feels good and helps detaching from her.

Interesting use of the word "afraid".

I never had a r/s with anyone that I ever became afraid of, until my BPDx, and no one should feel that way. Post relationship NC, I was afraid, and with good reason, she stalked before when I split up briefly and she did again during the NC. I also read stuff on here that made me afraid and took measures as best I could (like you are doing now). I think the r/s even continued past its sell by date partly because I was afraid to end it, not knowing how she will react, because of her extremes of behaviour during the R/S.

Well done for deleting everything, for someone I felt so strongly about, I did the same and dont regret it. In fact I had missed one picture and stumbled upon it recently, it started to give me certain emotions again and I just waste basket it. which was difficult because I thought, well I could have one memento. Truth is I dont need any, she has about 30,000 selfies on her FB if I ever cared to, which I dont. It made a huge help to destroy all remnants associated with her, not easy to do, but I dont believe in keeping a shrine for someone who treated me so badly, upset me so much and made me ill, regardless of the "good times".

I read about the cluster bs, specifically BPD, to get some sort of idea what happened to me, and thats ok, but I agree that there comes a point where it feels "ok, I get the general idea, I was with a sick person it explains a lot, not everything, but im not going to keep mining for the secret answers because actually, id rather spend that time working on myself and looking forward to life moving on. well done MyBPD_friend

[Wicker Man]

my therapist gave me a copy of Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" ... .what a waste!

My wife's therapist recommended the same book.  Neither of us cared for it -the book was way off base for us.  I have nice guy / codependent characteristics  --Just to be clear we are attempting to reconcile after an affair I had with an undiagnosed BPD.

Perhaps try:

They Is it Love or is it Addiction -Schaeffer
A Road Less Traveled -Peck

I wonder if some people NEVER get over their smash-up with a BPD?

Nothing in my life compared to the feeling of being with my undiagnosed BPD ex.  I was enamored in the truest sense of the word -spellbound and transfixed.  I had never cheated before and was 'not that sort of a person', but it felt like someone had reached in and touched my soul.  I know I will never feel love like that again --it was an unhealthy (but magnificent) construct of her disorder.  It was not a real or sustainable love -it was based in dysfunction. 

One evening my undiagnosed BPD-ex was in a deep nearly non-responsive depression; I spent hours keeping her company.  As she slowly emerged she uttered the truest statement she made in our time together. 'You must leave me, I will destroy you.'  After a year, filing for divorce, hurting and shaming myself, my wife's family, and hers I did leave her.  She was right, she would have consumed me utterly.  After spending hour upon hour reading here on BPD Family I have come to realize I 'got off easy' and it is still difficult to reconcile the feelings I had.

I have been seeing a therapist and doing a lot of reading.  All the while, attempting to grieve the loss of an imagined future with my ex, trying to rebuild a shattered home, and trying to figure out what made me susceptible to an affair in the first place. --I created a fine mess.

To address the subject of this thread:
Last week I spoke to my therapist about my contributing here on BPD Family.  I keep wondering where catharsis rolls over into addiction.  Further, I keep asking myself am I here to subconsciously stay connected to my ex?  We have been No Contact for nearly 4 months now and will remain so.