Its been 4 months now.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey everyone,
It's been 4 months since my exwBPD and I have broken up. She broke up with me and said I was too needy. She wanted to be just friends and I said no twice and wanted more. I could not be just friends with someone I love and want to spend my life with. After a week of space i told her i was ready to be friends and she said no. We argued for 2 weeks, and she finally said "im done with you" and blocked me.Tried reaching out for 2 months and no replies. She still tried to make me jealous on campus with other people when im nearby. I finally stopped and went complete No contact. I beleive this triggered some abandonment for her. She talks about me on her social media here and there now, but not positive things. She looks happy now. She was more needy than me in the relationship, but seeing her become distant made me needy and clingy looking back. Its been 4 months and I cant let go and holding on to hope that she will come back. This just makes me realize I was clingy. Things are starting to look hopeless at this moment and maybe its time to finally detach. People are telling me she moved on, and I have to let it go and how its been 4 months now, and this girl does not care about me. I have 2 threads in the reversing breakup section if you interested to read more.

[CryWolf]

Hey everyone,
It's been 4 months since my exwBPD and I have broken up. She broke up with me and said I was too needy. She wanted to be just friends and I said no twice and wanted more. I could not be just friends with someone I love and want to spend my life with. After a week of space i told her i was ready to be friends and she said no. We argued for 2 weeks, and she finally said "im done with you" and blocked me.Tried reaching out for 2 months and no replies. She still tried to make me jealous on campus with other people when im nearby. I finally stopped and went complete No contact. I beleive this triggered some abandonment for her. She talks about me on her social media here and there now, but not positive things. She looks happy now. She was more needy than me in the relationship, but seeing her become distant made me needy and clingy looking back. Its been 4 months and I cant let go and holding on to hope that she will come back. This just makes me realize I was clingy. Things are starting to look hopeless at this moment and maybe its time to finally detach. People are telling me she moved on, and I have to let it go and how its been 4 months now, and this girl does not care about me. I have 2 threads in the reversing breakup section if you interested to read more.

[Cromwell]

it sounds like it was engulfing for her to feel the emotional intensity to deal with how strongly you felt for her.

you can either start to fully detach these strong emotions that keep you longing for her,

or just continue to live in hope that she will come back to you; sometimes they do, sometimes they dont.

all I can say what ive learned about my relationship was that the whole thing was about her needs. she portrayed herself as needy, but this was just to keep a hook in.

she doesnt appear to need you now, but may well do in the future.

good luck.

[CryWolf]

it sounds like it was engulfing for her to feel the emotional intensity to deal with how strongly you felt for her.

you can either start to fully detach these strong emotions that keep you longing for her,

or just continue to live in hope that she will come back to you; sometimes they do, sometimes they dont.

all I can say what ive learned about my relationship was that the whole thing was about her needs. she portrayed herself as needy, but this was just to keep a hook in.

she doesnt appear to need you now, but may well do in the future.

good luck.

Yea, everytime I got too close, shed push me away, and everytime I would pull away she would be more clingy to push me in. Push, pull. And for the longest time i understood it without knowing of her BPD. I chased too much and pushed her away. So now im just waiting. we walk past each other here and there on campus but i dont acknowledge her, and she walks by me hiding a smile. or she sees me and walks very fast away from me, etc. I know she likes power and attention and I stopped giving her all that. I just want her to know how sorry I am for not respecting her choice of the breakup and arguing with her.

[Cyssero4]

Hey everyone,
It's been 4 months since my exwBPD and I have broken up. She broke up with me and said I was too needy. She wanted to be just friends and I said no twice and wanted more. I could not be just friends with someone I love and want to spend my life with. After a week of space i told her i was ready to be friends and she said no. We argued for 2 weeks, and she finally said "im done with you" and blocked me.Tried reaching out for 2 months and no replies. She still tried to make me jealous on campus with other people when im nearby. I finally stopped and went complete No contact. I beleive this triggered some abandonment for her. She talks about me on her social media here and there now, but not positive things. She looks happy now. She was more needy than me in the relationship, but seeing her become distant made me needy and clingy looking back. Its been 4 months and I cant let go and holding on to hope that she will come back. This just makes me realize I was clingy. Things are starting to look hopeless at this moment and maybe its time to finally detach. People are telling me she moved on, and I have to let it go and how its been 4 months now, and this girl does not care about me. I have 2 threads in the reversing breakup section if you interested to read more.

Hmmm... .ok... bro

You need to time out for yourself... .go on a short holiday, hang out with friends, join the gym... .why because you need your focus to be on YOU.

If that means you have to weep in private then do so, you can and will over come these intense feelings but you need to give yourself time.

Think back to before you were with her... .were you needy then?

If the answer is no... .then you have to remember what makes you GREAT!

It's like Shaq and Kobe... .Shaq thought he was the best player on the Lakers when they won 3 rings and he as well as many sports writers though after he went to Miami and won another ring that Kobe was finished... .

But Kobe put his head down and worked on himself, which lead to him getting 2 more rings... .Kobe did not need Shaq to validate his achievements... .

Guess what... .YOU ARE KOBE... .Work on yourself and get you 5 rings.

https://www.sportball.es/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/5-rings.jpg

[CryWolf]

Hmmm... .ok... bro

You need to time out for yourself... .go on a short holiday, hang out with friends, join the gym... .why because you need your focus to be on YOU.

If that means you have to weep in private then do so, you can and will over come these intense feelings but you need to give yourself time.

Think back to before you were with her... .were you needy then?

If the answer is no... .then you have to remember what makes you GREAT!

It's like Shaq and Kobe... .Shaq thought he was the best player on the Lakers when they won 3 rings and he as well as many sports writers though after he went to Miami and won another ring that Kobe was finished... .

But Kobe put his head down and worked on himself, which lead to him getting 2 more rings... .Kobe did not need Shaq to validate his achievements... .

Guess what... .YOU ARE KOBE... .Work on yourself and get you 5 rings.

https://www.sportball.es/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/5-rings.jpg

WOW. Kobe is my favorite ___ing basketball player LOL. I have every jersey, and even have his shoes. I do go to the gym, and have been meeting new people since the breakup. Went on casual dates. Seeing a therapist. Working on myself. I believe we both were needy and clingy to each other. I wasnt much of a needy person until the accusations and fear of abandonment came in and I also developed that fear and my unresolved attatchment issues from childhood.

I dont need her, but I love her and want to marry but at this point I believe I have to detach myself and be okay with living life without her. I dont want to admit this, but I have nothing else left to do for her to realize she loves me and comes back. I dont think this will ever happen after 4 months.

[Cromwell]

Yea, everytime I got too close, shed push me away, and everytime I would pull away she would be more clingy to push me in. Push, pull. And for the longest time i understood it without knowing of her BPD. I chased too much and pushed her away. So now im just waiting. we walk past each other here and there on campus but i dont acknowledge her, and she walks by me hiding a smile. or she sees me and walks very fast away from me, etc. I know she likes power and attention and I stopped giving her all that. I just want her to know how sorry I am for not respecting her choice of the breakup and arguing with her.

do you genuinely want to apologise for the sake of apologising, or is it a way of hoping that it is the key back to reconciliation?

from the sounds of her behaviour, she doesnt seem too distraught about it that would require an apology.

you have to be careful (i say this from my own experience) of chasing after her too much, it can get used against you (like on social media) to feed more attention to her that she can give others the impression you are hounding her.

have you ever considered that you might be exaggerating the level of fault, or blaming yourself too much, for feelings that seem from what you said she was a big part in inducing in you in the first place? you said she started it off by her being the needy clingy one, and it seems you just reciprocated to what seemed the level you felt was acceptable based on her cues.

yet as she has withdrawn, made you out to be "too clingy", you feel the need to apologise for something that I have the impression you are not to be blamed for. as you said, the minute you stopped giving her attention, she pulled you back before. she is setting the tempo and you are having to keep readjusting.

how about "im sorry if you felt I was being too clingy, its just that I got the impression at times that you wanted that - i hope this results in closure between us, feel free to slander me on facebook if it helps keep your new relationship propped up on its shaky foundation"

you might want to edit this a bit, especially the last line, but i think you get the general idea where im coming from.

it hurts raw to see someone you like so much with someone else, especially as you did a lot of work to pander to her needs when she expected it before. yet when you expected her to fulfill yours in return, she left you in the dust!

 I don't see that there is anything to apologise. i also dont see the point of apologising for arguing per se, unless you really feel the gravity of the context of your argument was so injurious or offensively delivered at the time that it merits the need to apologise now for it. otherwise i think you will just be playing into her hands that you are convincing yourself that you are wrong for something you really arent, in a desperate attempt to find some sort of closure where you feel you have been left stranded and bewildered, trying to make sense of it all and assuming you have done something 'wrong' for her to treat you the way she is doing.

there is far more to an apology than just trying to placate another persons apparent 'hurt feelings'. if you start on this road now, expect it to continue. youll find yourself eventually having to apologise for apologising. as it was either insufficient in some way, or too late. just dont get your hopes high for a big hug and "thanks - its ok, i was waiting 4 months for this moment finally to arrive!".

[Cyssero4]

WOW. Kobe is my favorite ___ing basketball player LOL. I have every jersey, and even have his shoes. I do go to the gym, and have been meeting new people since the breakup. Went on casual dates. Seeing a therapist. Working on myself. I believe we both were needy and clingy to each other. I wasnt much of a needy person until the accusations and fear of abandonment came in and I also developed that fear and my unresolved attatchment issues from childhood.

I dont need her, but I love her and want to marry but at this point I believe I have to detach myself and be okay with living life without her. I dont want to admit this, but I have nothing else left to do for her to realize she loves me and comes back. I dont think this will ever happen after 4 months.

I don't know how old you are or how long you were together... .but do not marry/have children with a person you believe has BPD... .this could ruin your life man... .

The reason I said focus on yourself because once you go NC properly... .chances are BPDex may likely try to reach out to you again in 2-6 months... .BUT YOU SHOULD NOT BE HOPING OR WAITING FOR THIS... .THIS IS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR WELLBEING!

Once you are in better/stronger place if your BPDex initiates contact you will be able to better assess what you want and her motives.

Furthermore, you will be able to protect yourself emotionally. Your aim should be to never feel like this again.

[CryWolf]

do you genuinely want to apologise for the sake of apologising, or is it a way of hoping that it is the key back to reconciliation?

from the sounds of her behaviour, she doesnt seem too distraught about it that would require an apology.

you have to be careful (i say this from my own experience) of chasing after her too much, it can get used against you (like on social media) to feed more attention to her that she can give others the impression you are hounding her.

have you ever considered that you might be exaggerating the level of fault, or blaming yourself too much, for feelings that seem from what you said she was a big part in inducing in you in the first place? you said she started it off by her being the needy clingy one, and it seems you just reciprocated to what seemed the level you felt was acceptable based on her cues.

yet as she has withdrawn, made you out to be "too clingy", you feel the need to apologise for something that I have the impression you are not to be blamed for. as you said, the minute you stopped giving her attention, she pulled you back before. she is setting the tempo and you are having to keep readjusting.

how about "im sorry if you felt I was being too clingy, its just that I got the impression at times that you wanted that - i hope this results in closure between us, feel free to slander me on facebook if it helps keep your new relationship propped up on its shaky foundation"

you might want to edit this a bit, especially the last line, but i think you get the general idea where im coming from.

it hurts raw to see someone you like so much with someone else, especially as you did a lot of work to pander to her needs when she expected it before. yet when you expected her to fulfill yours in return, she left you in the dust!

 I don't see that there is anything to apologise. i also dont see the point of apologising for arguing per se, unless you really feel the gravity of the context of your argument was so injurious or offensively delivered at the time that it merits the need to apologise now for it. otherwise i think you will just be playing into her hands that you are convincing yourself that you are wrong for something you really arent, in a desperate attempt to find some sort of closure where you feel you have been left stranded and bewildered, trying to make sense of it all and assuming you have done something 'wrong' for her to treat you the way she is doing.

there is far more to an apology than just trying to placate another persons apparent 'hurt feelings'. if you start on this road now, expect it to continue. youll find yourself eventually having to apologise for apologising. as it was either insufficient in some way, or too late. just dont get your hopes high for a big hug and "thanks - its ok, i was waiting 4 months for this moment finally to arrive!".

I want to apologize for being too clingy and feeling like i didnt respect her choices, when i tried pleading and apologizing for 2 months after the breakup. But also, I hope to reconcile at this moment.

But you are right, and many other members telling me to not apologize as it will only reinforce her decision to leaving and probably use it against me like I am hounding her. she did that with her ex. however, the ex was a stalker and still tries to stalk her and shows up at her house randomly. its been years since they broke up. I dont want to be in the same category. I know showing my indifferece and not caring will drive her crazy and see im not fazed by her childish actions of silent treatment.

I dont think she cares about an apology, and she is painting me black on her blog, after I finally stopped pursuing and went completely NC she has been posting bad about me.

She isnt with someone else, and never cheated but she keeps hashtagging two guys name's who are her classmates under posts which had me going crazy who they were. I strongly think this is to make me anxious and get attention from me which i stopped giving her. I was driving myself crazy checking her social media seeing if she missed me, or anything. Once I gave her the space she "wanted" then i saw her start posting these two guys names and then posting bad about me, "how my ex didnt care about me" etc. She even made a post saying "i like candlelight dinners but also power" I know she feeds off the power she has. and i took that away from her.

you're right my intentions are to apologize and her to realize I changed and her feelings thaw and then come back and we live happily ever after and work on her BPD together. But lets not kid ourselves. I need to stop seeking validation from her. her leaving has me in hyperdrive. I did everything for her.

Your response was spot Cromwell on about how i feel and how she is. thank you.

[CryWolf]

I don't know how old you are or how long you were together... .but do not marry/have children with a person you believe has BPD... .this could ruin your life man... .

The reason I said focus on yourself because once you go NC properly... .chances are BPDex may likely try to reach out to you again in 2-6 months... .BUT YOU SHOULD NOT BE HOPING OR WAITING FOR THIS... .THIS IS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR WELLBEING!

Once you are in better/stronger place if your BPDex initiates contact you will be able to better assess what you want and her motives.

Furthermore, you will be able to protect yourself emotionally. Your aim should be to never feel like this again.

Hey we are both in early 20's. We broke up 4 months ago, and the first 2-2.5 months I overpursued. did the typical break up begging and pleading. I been NC since. Yet when i see her on campus. now she tries avoiding me and walks fast past me. the last three times, she smiled when we walked past each other and shes done this before when we werent on speaking terms all throughout the relationship. I honestly dont know. A smile can mean anything and nothing.

I did want to break up with her during the last of the relationship. i wasnt happy and felt like i was just babysitting her and everything was one sided. but i was not going to give up on her and still loved her. i still wanted to make it work with her. i still love her. but she is makng me feel so devalued and worthless after the breakup. Silent treatment, blocked, trying to make me jealous.

[spero]

Hello there CryWolf, 

I'd just like to say hello and i'm just glad that you're here and just talking about your experience.
How are you feeling right now? It must have been a roller coaster ride of sorts for the time you have spent with your partner.

To help me understand your situation a little better, how long were you together before the break up? May i also clarify if your ex-partner has been clinically diagonsed by a professional psychologist or therapist, or it is your own hunch that she displays a high propensity toward being BPD? I'll try to find the time to read your previous threads to better understand your situation in the meantime.

Hey everyone,
It's been 4 months since my exwBPD and I have broken up. She broke up with me and said I was too needy. She wanted to be just friends and I said no twice and wanted more. I could not be just friends with someone I love and want to spend my life with. After a week of space i told her i was ready to be friends and she said no.

I guess this must be heartbreaking as it is confusing that, while she wanted to be friends before, now she has switched over the terms and refused to be friends. In my own experience with my uBPDexGF. It was really dependent on that "moment" one single particular point in time, on how she might have been feeling. I've encountered situations where i would offer a compromise and it just wasn't on her terms and therefore, she rejected me and i was accused of not meeting her needs... .it wasn't that i wasn't willing to meet her needs. It was just impossible to meet her needs on her terms every single time.

So i suppose for your situation, when you were ready to compromise, that moment for her was over and now she feels a different way and she doesn't want to be friends. This can also be a form of "power play" where she wants to retain control of the situation and therefore even though, "being friends" was something she had asked prior to this, now that it has become your terms and not hers, she is probably rejecting "friendship" in order to maintain control over the situation. That is what i think it is at this moment.

We argued for 2 weeks, and she finally said "im done with you" and blocked me.Tried reaching out for 2 months and no replies. She still tried to make me jealous on campus with other people when im nearby. I finally stopped and went complete No contact. I beleive this triggered some abandonment for her. She talks about me on her social media here and there now, but not positive things.

I suppose if you took a step back and reflected on things, the argument for the two weeks might only be a bigger issue that was simmering underneath for quite some time. It must really be heartbreaking to be told that "she is done with you". I'm sorry that you've been thrown into this situation which for most people would be confusing. It is common for individuals who are diagnosed with BPD to "block and discard". It is partly at defense mechanism of not being able to deal with the overwhelming emotions that she is probably experiencing at this point. While the blocking, to disassociate may seem effective in a short term, what she is essentially doing is keeping that mess somewhere under the carpet. One day, when something else compounds, she will probably suffer a bigger toll on her emotional well being as long as she doesnt to, or mostly likely, doesn't have the tools or deal with it.

She looks happy now. She was more needy than me in the relationship, but seeing her become distant made me needy and clingy looking back.

It does really seem to you that she might be happier. There will be 101 reason for her to perhaps do so, but i am certain degree sure that she is just trying to portray that she is "in a better place" for others to see. My own uBPDexGF became someone that i didn't recognise after the break up. It often disturbs me that after a major "change" or "distruption" individuals with BPD need to become different, as if to shed away their old selves. I suppose i can go into the specifics of that the if you would like me to."

Its been 4 months and I cant let go and holding on to hope that she will come back. This just makes me realize I was clingy. Things are starting to look hopeless at this moment and maybe its time to finally detach. People are telling me she moved on, and I have to let it go and how its been 4 months now, and this girl does not care about me. I have 2 threads in the reversing breakup section if you interested to read more.

It is very normal for you to be missing her at this point, crywolf. It is only human to do so. Don't be so hard on yourself and give yourself the time and space to process your present situation. I would also like to add that, your ex-partner has "moved on" not like how you and i do. Their worldview of "moving on" i believe is rather different in general, while you and i maybe experience the process of grief, loss, acceptance and finally a new norm in our lives. It may not always be the case for individuals who are suffering from BPD.

But right now, i just want to let you know CryWolf, that you're not alone in this. But more importantly, what is your desire at the moment? What do you think you want to do? and would like to do? It is great that you've mentioned that you might be clingy, would you think that is something you would like to spend sometime thinking about ?

Hope to hear from you, Takecare.

Spero

[Lucky Jim]

Its been 4 months and I cant let go and holding on to hope that she will come back.

Hey CryWolf, It sounds like you would be interested in a recycle if the opportunity should present itself?  Does that sum it up?  If so, what makes you think that the outcome would be any different next time?  A lot of us, including me, have been through recycles, only to wind up in the same place, except with more pain.  Four months is still a relatively short time after a b/u, so I suggest you give yourself some leeway and treat yourself with care and compassion.

Since you are posting here on the Detaching Board, I assume that on some level you are interested in detaching.  Is that accurate?  The reason I ask is that a lot of us here have been through a failed BPD r/s and are pretty jaded about the prospects for a BPD r/s.  Maybe you remain in a Conflicted state of mind?

Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[CryWolf]

I hope this helps everyone a bit to better understand my situation:

part 1:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=321630.50
part 2:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322908.0

Hello there CryWolf,  

I'd just like to say hello and i'm just glad that you're here and just talking about your experience.
How are you feeling right now? It must have been a roller coaster ride of sorts for the time you have spent with your partner.

To help me understand your situation a little better, how long were you together before the break up? May i also clarify if your ex-partner has been clinically diagonsed by a professional psychologist or therapist, or it is your own hunch that she displays a high propensity toward being BPD? I'll try to find the time to read your previous threads to better understand your situation in the meantime.

Hey Spero thank you for your reply !
Atm I feel contempt but my feelings fluctuate and its something my therapist has mentioned i need to accept and ask why and not try to push off like i have been doing. I am trying to be mindful and live in the present than to wonder what went wrong or when she will come back.

We were together for 3 years. She has been clinically diagnosed with BPD by the university therapist, as well as 2 therapists ive seen. I didnt know much of the BPD until the latter part of the relationship and didnt have the knowledge i do today; but knew she was battling depression.

it is confusing that, while she wanted to be friends before, now she has switched over the terms and refused to be friends. In my own experience with my uBPDexGF. It was really dependent on that "moment" one single particular point in time, on how she might have been feeling. I've encountered situations where i would offer a compromise and it just wasn't on her terms and therefore, she rejected me and i was accused of not meeting her needs... .it wasn't that i wasn't willing to meet her needs. It was just impossible to meet her needs on her terms every single time.

So i suppose for your situation, when you were ready to compromise, that moment for her was over and now she feels a different way and she doesn't want to be friends. This can also be a form of "power play" where she wants to retain control of the situation and therefore even though, "being friends" was something she had asked prior to this, now that it has become your terms and not hers, she is probably rejecting "friendship" in order to maintain control over the situation. That is what i think it is at this moment.

You hit this spot on! wow.   She loves power. She wouldnt admit it, and whenever i would take lead and control she would do something to "gain power back" or control of the relationship. i.e. breaking up, and me trying to reconcile. She also had a post on her blog saying "i love candlit dinners but also power"
When i told her I was ready for friendship, she told me "no and that she gave me two chances. How she is human and has feelings too" I think I bruised her ego by not wanting to remain friends and her terms. I think her silent treatment is punishing me. She made posts on her blog saying "when im done with someone i become apathetic" or "i will cut you off, try me"

It does really seem to you that she might be happier. There will be 101 reason for her to perhaps do so, but i am certain degree sure that she is just trying to portray that she is "in a better place" for others to see. My own uBPDexGF became someone that i didn't recognise after the break up. It often disturbs me that after a major "change" or "distruption" individuals with BPD need to become different, as if to shed away their old selves. I suppose i can go into the specifics of that the if you would like me to."

It is very normal for you to be missing her at this point, crywolf. It is only human to do so. Don't be so hard on yourself and give yourself the time and space to process your present situation. I would also like to add that, your ex-partner has "moved on" not like how you and i do. Their worldview of "moving on" i believe is rather different in general, while you and i maybe experience the process of grief, loss, acceptance and finally a new norm in our lives. It may not always be the case for individuals who are suffering from BPD.

But right now, i just want to let you know CryWolf, that you're not alone in this. But more importantly, what is your desire at the moment? What do you think you want to do? and would like to do? It is great that you've mentioned that you might be clingy, would you think that is something you would like to spend sometime thinking about ?

Yes she is acting like she is so happy now on her blog, and how these two male classmates are her new bestfriends and they make plans to ride horses and etc to places me and her went. or recycling the jokes we did and "inside jokes" but with them. it hurts. A part of me thinks this is all for attention because she knows i check and she wants to spite me or she does it because maybe she really is "done" with me. I need to stop wondering what she is doing and thinking and overanalyzing. Thats my main focus at the moment.

It has been 4 months and she has me blocked and barely writes about me unless its lashing out against me and painting me black. Everything she is saying is not true, and things she would tell me and i used to defend myself during the breakup. This is probably her way of coping.

She did get a haircut and new glasses. And talks about new hobbies she wants to pick up. but thats normal after a breakup.

I want to get back with her. But it has to be on her terms. i chased and pursued and apologized for 2 months after the breakup. it only resulted in getting me blocked and her getting annoyed and having her ego fed.

[CryWolf]

Hey CryWolf, It sounds like you would be interested in a recycle if the opportunity should present itself?  Does that sum it up?  If so, what makes you think that the outcome would be any different next time?  A lot of us, including me, have been through recycles, only to wind up in the same place, except with more pain.  Four months is still a relatively short time after a b/u, so I suggest you give yourself some leeway and treat yourself with care and compassion.

Since you are posting here on the Detaching Board, I assume that on some level you are interested in detaching.  Is that accurate?  The reason I ask is that a lot of us here have been through a failed BPD r/s and are pretty jaded about the prospects for a BPD r/s.  Maybe you remain in a Conflicted state of mind?

Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

Hey LuckyJim,
I supposed I would be interested in a "recycle". I believe the outcome would be different this time because i have been learning about BPD and the tools and techniques to properly have a better relationship with her.Yes since the breakup I am trying to learn more about myself. Wondering why i would still put myself in a situation with this person. I want her to miss me and realize how much she loved me. Thats what I truly want.

I am conflicted and I fluctuate. At this time, i truly miss and love her. I know the relationship is toxic but i also want to make it work. I dont know why, but all i know is i love this girl. But i have to prepare myself and detach if she never comes back.

[spero]

Hey there CryWolf 

It is good to hear from you. Once again, joining Lucky Jim in sending you warm greetings and a welcome to this sub forum.

Yes since the breakup I am trying to learn more about myself. Wondering why i would still put myself in a situation with this person. I want her to miss me and realize how much she loved me. Thats what I truly want.

Just thinking out loud, have you been able to process this with a therapist? Do you have the means and finances to do so? I would suppose that sessions with a therapist would really bring you up to speed and the therapist would be able to point out, and help you discover more about your own needs. As human beings ,we fundamentally want to be loved and needed.

We want the "object" of our love to respond in kind. I suppose at baseline, your need is to be loved and be cherished. I suppose you would have to consider, contemplate and ponder this - Would this current person whom you love be the one and only person who would fit the role to bring you this fulfillment that you seek of understanding the present circumstances you have seen in the last 3 years. 

I am conflicted and I fluctuate. At this time, i truly miss and love her. I know the relationship is toxic but i also want to make it work. I dont know why, but all i know is i love this girl. But i have to prepare myself and detach if she never comes back.

I believe things are still fresh for you at this juncture, it is really kay to feel conflicted because your heartstrings are still emotionally attached to a person. How you are feeling at this moment was, as most of other members of the community have experienced, would be the intense loving bombing and deep connection most of us have felt at the start of the relationship. It is a natural response to having felt loved and wanting to reciprocate in kind, the sense of being "in love", and made to feel very special... "i've found my soulmate."

The more pertinent question would be, what would you like to do at this point in time. Are you considering detachment at this point in time, or would you still consider trying to work on the relationship. I suppose that is a question that you would need to come to a conclusion, one which you'd need to ask your heart the very difficult question. As you have logically stated, at present you know that this relationship is toxic. A very very hard question i had to ask myself and perhaps in time you'd have to answer is, would staying mean - helping better the relationship or would staying mean perpetuating unhealthy behaviour? I pose these questions with much kindness, and i would certainly believe you'd know best when weighing all the considerations.

Hope to hear from you soon, CryWolf.

Takecare
Spero

[CryWolf]

It is good to hear from you. Once again, joining Lucky Jim in sending you warm greetings and a welcome to this sub forum.

Just thinking out loud, have you been able to process this with a therapist? Do you have the means and finances to do so? I would suppose that sessions with a therapist would really bring you up to speed and the therapist would be able to point out, and help you discover more about your own needs. As human beings ,we fundamentally want to be loved and needed.

We want the "object" of our love to respond in kind. I suppose at baseline, your need is to be loved and be cherished. I suppose you would have to consider, contemplate and ponder this - Would this current person whom you love be the one and only person who would fit the role to bring you this fulfillment that you seek of understanding the present circumstances you have seen in the last 3 years.

A very very hard question i had to ask myself and perhaps in time you'd have to answer is, would staying mean - helping better the relationship or would staying mean perpetuating unhealthy behaviour? I pose these questions with much kindness, and i would certainly believe you'd know best when weighing all the considerations.

Thank you for the warm welcome once again!

I have been seeing a school therapist! I have also had some outside sessions with 2 other therapists who specialize in BPD and attachment. So 3 different people . Trying to find answers and trying to know if she ever will come back, what she’s thinking or if she even misses me. All three tell me to “run” and I’ll only be hurt. I have also learned a lot from myself and my attatchment traumas, and anxious behaviors. This breakup has taught me so much and made me grow. However It may be a little to late for this specific person.

I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but this is the girl I love and admire. It is my first “real” relationship so everything hurts much more. I have also been reading into objects of love, I love how you brought that up!

I don’t want to wait anymore and cling on to hope because it’s only killing me. I want a relationship with her where we can better work on it and implementing the tools learned in here. I want to be her best option, not to save her but coexist with her and love together as two individuals. But at this point I highly think it is over and her coldness and silence is suggesting that to me it’s time to detach. So here I am, at a crossroads in my life. Having to say goodbye when it’s the last thing I want.

[Lucky Jim]

Yes since the breakup I am trying to learn more about myself. Wondering why i would still put myself in a situation with this person. I want her to miss me and realize how much she loved me. Thats what I truly want.

Hello again, CryWolf, Learning more about yourself seems a worthwhile pursuit.  You might try sitting with your feelings and just observing, without the need to take any action.  In my view, you ask a key question: why do you still want to be in a r/s with your pwBPD?  Only you can answer that question, though I'll give you a hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other past trauma.  As to wanting her to miss you, that's normal but out of your control, hence is something that you should consider letting go.  When in doubt, suggest you consult the Serenity Prayer.

LJ

[CryWolf]

Hello again, CryWolf, Learning more about yourself seems a worthwhile pursuit.  You might try sitting with your feelings and just observing, without the need to take any action.  In my view, you ask a key question: why do you still want to be in a r/s with your pwBPD?  Only you can answer that question, though I'll give you a hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other past trauma.  As to wanting her to miss you, that's normal but out of your control, hence is something that you should consider letting go.  When in doubt, suggest you consult the Serenity Prayer.

LJ

Sorry for my ignorance, what does FOO mean?
I know there are plenty of people out there and i can be with anyone, however I choose this girl and love this girl and wouldnt be with anyone else. BPD or not.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey CW, FOO stand for Family of Origin.

If she is the right one for you, then maybe she's worth pursuing.  Only you know the right path for you.

Keep us posted.

LuckyJim

[CryWolf]

Hey CW, FOO stand for Family of Origin.

If she is the right one for you, then maybe she's worth pursuing.  Only you know the right path for you.

Keep us posted.

Oh, yea I have some attachment trauma as a child from my father leaving. I know this breakup probably opened up old wounds. And i didn't receive a lot of affection as a child from my mom but she did love me a lot.

I only hope my ex see's im the one for her too.

[Lucky Jim]

Oh, yea I have some attachment trauma as a child from my father leaving. I know this breakup probably opened up old wounds. And i didn't receive a lot of affection as a child from my mom but she did love me a lot. 

Hey CryWolf, OK, that's a big step forward: acknowledging your childhood trauma and lack of affection from your Mom.  You're right that, "this breakup probably opened up old wounds."  I would agree that it has.  Worth thinking about how you can address these old wounds in order to heal them.  You could say that is the gift we receive from a BPD r/s: it forces us to confront the wounds, which is painful but leads to greater happiness.  Suggest you treat yourself with care and compassion while you work through these difficult issues.

We're here if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[spero]

Hey there CryWolf

I have been seeing a school therapist! I have also had some outside sessions with 2 other therapists who specialize in BPD and attachment. So 3 different people . Trying to find answers and trying to know if she ever will come back, what she’s thinking or if she even misses me. All three tell me to “run” and I’ll only be hurt. I have also learned a lot from myself and my attatchment traumas, and anxious behaviors. This breakup has taught me so much and made me grow. However It may be a little to late for this specific person.

Wow, seeing 3 therapists in total would be quite intense. Not just intense, but on the side note, seeing more than one therapists at one point in time may provide conflicting points of view and treatment plans. What are you working on with your therapist(s) at the moment now that you've discovered about your attachment trauma and anxious behaviours. While i cannot persuade you to follow a specific decision. I must say that i am in consensus with what all 3 of your therapists are saying. As long as your ex-partner isn't in therapy, or in state where she is aware of needing help, it has a high propensity to hurt you... and perhaps even more if you do decide to stay. I'm sorry if i'm pouring cold water on you, but i'll at least say it once that given the circumstances you've explanined thus far... .most therapists would infact that that view point for the safety and well being of their client/patient.

I know there are plenty of fish in the sea, but this is the girl I love and admire. It is my first “real” relationship so everything hurts much more. I have also been reading into objects of love, I love how you brought that up!

I'm glad that our conversation is helping you understand yourself better. So for a start, could you perhaps share what is it about this girl that you admire so much? like her qualities, personality etc?

I don’t want to wait anymore and cling on to hope because it’s only killing me. I want a relationship with her where we can better work on it and implementing the tools learned in here.

I'm sorry but i'll have to ask a rather difficult question. Not to say that it isn't painful. CryWolf, my first ever serious relationship was also with a uBPD lady. So i want to make a qualified question, do you think she's ready for a relationship in her current condition, given that she isn't in treatment and has not expressed a keen desire to go through therapy? If knowing so and understanding that she isn't able to cope/manage a relationship right now, (even given the signs that she wants a relationship, and in this context i would separate the spoken words, and the actions she's been taking perhaps to cope or how she has been responding to you) do you still want to push/try given that set of circumstances?

CryWolf, i had to ask myself this question and even after half a year, i do struggle with my NC. So, i'm going to have to gently ask you that question. I know its your first serious relationship and to finally find "love" for the first time can be exhilarating. But more than that, would you be purusing something you want, even if it may not be good for her at this point?

With lots of care,
Spero.

[CryWolf]

I'm glad that our conversation is helping you understand yourself better. So for a start, could you perhaps share what is it about this girl that you admire so much? like her qualities, personality etc?

do you think she's ready for a relationship in her current condition, given that she isn't in treatment and has not expressed a keen desire to go through therapy? If knowing so and understanding that she isn't able to cope/manage a relationship right now, (even given the signs that she wants a relationship, and in this context i would separate the spoken words, and the actions she's been taking perhaps to cope or how she has been responding to you) do you still want to push/try given that set of circumstances?

But more than that, would you be purusing something you want, even if it may not be good for her at this point?

I love her personality, her work ethic, her smile, how compassionate she is, and empathetic she is towards my siblings, and people in need. She is so caring when her "BPD" isnt going off. She has done so much for me and has pushed me to be a good person. She has been there in my times of need and i have been there for her.

I dont think she is ready for a relationship. She is seeing a school therapist. and working on her demons.
I dont want to push her for anything she doesnt want or ready for. however her actions and words were always different in our relationship dynamics.

[CryWolf]

Starting to think less about her. At times I get hit hard by the memories. But im doing my best to keep my mind busy and not let her occupy my mind.

[Lucky Jim]

Starting to think less about her. At times I get hit hard by the memories. But im doing my best to keep my mind busy and not let her occupy my mind.

Hey CryWolf, You have more control over your thoughts than you might think, so keep up your efforts to not let her occupy your mind.  Sometimes one has to consciously redirect one's thoughts.  Repeat as necessary!

LJ

[Wicker Man]

but I love her and want to marry

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

― Maya Angelou

I was swept away in a maelstrom -being loved by her was the most incredible feeling I had ever experienced, however, I had been living in a dream -the relationship I saw was my imagination of what things might have been -I adored her to the point of blindness.

I am trying to not obsess, to see and remember clearly my failed relationship for what it was.  High and low, heaven and hell.

Perhaps have a look at:

A Road Less Travelled -Peck (I dislike authors voice, but good info)
Is it Love or is it Addiction -Schaeffer (well written and important)
Marriage Clinic -Gottman (technical -shows mechanics of marriage)
5 Love Languages -Chapman (pulpy but worth a breeze through)
12 Rules for Life -an Antidote to Chaos -Peterson (self help, but interesting)

Wicker Man