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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: I feel that to realise she is ill and not inform anyone is quite selfish of me  (Read 545 times)
Harley Quinn
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« Reply #30 on: April 15, 2018, 06:24:02 PM »

I'm glad that you feel some ease from that.  At least things were on your terms in that respect.  If you were to receive a response, what do you think you would do?  Have you thought about it?

Love and light x
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Dargumin
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« Reply #31 on: April 15, 2018, 08:55:22 PM »

I'm glad that you feel some ease from that.  At least things were on your terms in that respect.  If you were to receive a response, what do you think you would do?  Have you thought about it?

Love and light x

I think it would depend on the nature of the response.  I've no wish to continue arguing so if she came back with something negative I would just ignore.
Anything positive I would acknowledge. But unless she actually held herself accountable for some of her actions  I would just leave it there.  If she held herself accountable then that might be a bit of a breakthrough moment, I can't see it ever happening though.
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #32 on: April 17, 2018, 04:20:32 PM »

If that day ever comes, be sure to pay close attention to her actions over the words.  So what's the plan from here for Dargumin?   

Love and light x
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Dargumin
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« Reply #33 on: April 17, 2018, 08:15:15 PM »

If that day ever comes, be sure to pay close attention to her actions over the words.  So what's the plan from here for Dargumin?   

Love and light x

Yeah I certainly would do.  The plan now is to finish my Masters over the Summer, find where the job is at and then meet a girl when I get to wherever it is that I'm going. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #34 on: April 18, 2018, 03:46:48 PM »

It's good to hear that you're putting your personal priorities first and focusing on your future.  Good luck with your Masters!  Take a little time to really think about what you value in a relationship and put some good energy behind that. 

Have you spent any time thinking about what brought you into a disordered r/s?  Having been through this experience presents us with an opportunity to take a look at what makes us get into and hold this type of r/s, and we can then begin to make choices that better serve us.  It's worth putting the work in before prospecting new partners, as getting healthier ourselves will mean we attract healthier mates. 

Love and light x 
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Dargumin
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« Reply #35 on: April 18, 2018, 09:10:41 PM »

It's good to hear that you're putting your personal priorities first and focusing on your future.  Good luck with your Masters!  Take a little time to really think about what you value in a relationship and put some good energy behind that. 

Have you spent any time thinking about what brought you into a disordered r/s?  Having been through this experience presents us with an opportunity to take a look at what makes us get into and hold this type of r/s, and we can then begin to make choices that better serve us.  It's worth putting the work in before prospecting new partners, as getting healthier ourselves will mean we attract healthier mates. 

Love and light x 

In my case we were only together for 8 weeks, but clubbing friends for 9 years.  The moment she crossed a major boundary I pressed the "break up" button.  She's extremely high functioning, there was no way of knowing unless I had bothered to quiz her exes before starting the relationship.  I've been wanting to make amends with her for three main reasons
1) Going cold turkey on her was extremely painful, I was very much addicted to her so early on that was the main driver
2) I've known her nine years and we've had some great times and to me that's worth a lot (sadly means nothing to her)
3) Learning about BPD made me realise she has been through so much pain and it's not her fault she is like this, so as someone who values those 9 fun years we were mates,  I just want to help her face this and get help (not going to happen).

It probably doesn't help that my Dad has a lot of narc traits so I'm used to love being conditional and having to take a lot of flack - though I'm glad to say I'm aware of this and I'm not accepting these traits in the would-be mother of my children. 

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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #36 on: April 20, 2018, 08:38:16 PM »

That's a reasonable value to have in a r/s, and logical based on your experience.  Kudos to you for maintaining your boundary on the behaviour you were not willing to accept.  It must have been tough taking flack as you were growing up.  I'm sorry to hear that.  I want to commend you on your self awareness.  :)o you find that you have the instinct to rescue normally, or do you feel that your wanting to help her is due to the knowledge you have of BPD now?

Love and light x
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Dargumin
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« Reply #37 on: April 22, 2018, 08:41:45 AM »

That's a reasonable value to have in a r/s, and logical based on your experience.  Kudos to you for maintaining your boundary on the behaviour you were not willing to accept.  It must have been tough taking flack as you were growing up.  I'm sorry to hear that.  I want to commend you on your self awareness.  :)o you find that you have the instinct to rescue normally, or do you feel that your wanting to help her is due to the knowledge you have of BPD now?

Love and light x

I certainly didn't used to be self-aware.  I'm thankful that a friend I made over the last 18 months holds a psychology degree and works as a social worker, she's helped me with a lot of insight.  I'm fortunate that a lot of the people I know are quite "sorted" in life, or at least appear to be from my perspective so situations requiring "rescuing" have not been a feature.  I was a very self centred individual through my 20s and I doubt I would have back then.     

My suspected BPDex is one of 4 significant romantic relationships in my life and the first who I truly respected in terms of having a proper "Gameplan" for life.  It's something I've always had in mind but not been able to follow through on, and something my other exes had no clue about at all.  I think in a way I had hoped she would be the one to rescue me and help me stay focused on a path, one that would feature us both.   I've realised this is a vital thing I'm seeking in my next relationship and this is why I'm doing the Masters, I need to rescue myself and not look to others to do it for me.   My undergrad degree of Economics was foisted on me by my father and I performed as you would expect someone to when they have no real interest or desire in the subject.  That was 15 years ago, I've finally started making my own decisions and stopped looking to impress him and it fells great!       
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Harley Quinn
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I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #38 on: April 22, 2018, 01:55:36 PM »

Wow that's fantastic!  It warms my heart to read this.  Good on you for taking charge of your life and working towards making it the life you want for yourself.  You're absolutely right in that nobody can rescue us any more than we can rescue them.  We can only carry ourselves on our own unique journey.  Others can walk beside us if they choose too and are going in the same direction.  Stick to the path that takes you where you wish to go. 

Love and light x 
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