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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: My first post in this section. He left me & I'm trying to accept it.  (Read 584 times)
bananas2
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« on: April 23, 2018, 03:13:59 PM »

Hello Family,

I've been with bpdfamily for a couple of years. At the end of last year, I was posting (in a different section) about all the progress BPDh & I were making in counseling and how we were both feeling happy & hopeful about improving our r/s. A mere month later, he suddenly left me & filed for divorce - exactly one week after telling me how grateful & lucky he is to be my husband.

For those of you who don't know my backstory:
H started showing signs of mental illness in 2014, about 9 mos after we married. He physically assaulted me shortly thereafter. I filed a police report, got a PFA, & retreated to a hotel for a few days. I returned upon his agreement to seek intensive counseling. He did excellent work in anger management & abuse intervention classes. Bc of this, I requested the judge drop the charges, and she did so. H was later diagnosed with BPD by 3 separate professionals. We spent the next few years in ":)r. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde" mode, yet the love between us was always present.
Last Fall, we found out that H's father was dying (he passed in early Feb). Massive "abandonment" trigger for him. We found H a new T who specializes in BPD, and got a new MC with whom we were both pleased. Progress was being made & by Christmastime of last year, we were both happy/hopeful about our r/s.
Mid-January, H was making plans for us to vacation with his relatives. One week later he announced to me that he no longer loves me, was moving out & was filing for divorce. He was gone by the following morning. Within 2 weeks, I was served divorce papers. He insisted I take him to court for spousal support. I did so, and he was so angry with the outcome that he texted me afterward to demand I never text or call him again. My only contact with him now is mailing him my monthly medical bills bc he is court-ordered to pay half. So now this is where we stand.

I was in shock at first, but now I'm starting to process my grief for the beautiful yet deeply troubled man who gave me such happiness but also so much heartache.
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« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2018, 04:04:25 PM »

Hey bananas2, I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through.  It must have been a terrible shock to find out that he was leaving.  We are happy to welcome you here to the Detaching Board.  A lot of us have been in your shoes and can relate to your feelings.  The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself, by treating yourself with care and compassion, and by paying attention to your own needs and feelings.  Do you have any close friends or family members with whom you can confide?  Have you considered meeting with a T?  Do you have techniques for lowering your stress level?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim
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« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2018, 05:29:23 PM »

Hi bananas2,

I really feel for you.  To have reached such a point in your r/s then for it to be so suddenly ended must have been devastating for you.  It has to have been a very difficult ordeal facing him in court.  Looking back through your posts this seems to have been very recent.  Do you understand why he insisted you take him to court? 

Whilst it's good to hear that you're over the initial shock, working through the grief is tough.  I agree with Lucky Jim that taking good care of yourself is vital right now.  Physically as well as emotionally.  How is your sleep and are you eating?  We're here for you as you process this and will be listening when you need us.   

Love and light x
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« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2018, 12:26:02 PM »

Do you have any close friends or family members with whom you can confide?  Have you considered meeting with a T?  Do you have techniques for lowering your stress level?  Fill us in, when you can.LuckyJim
Thank you, LJ. I do confide in close friends, and they have been a godsend. My family is not exactly "supportive" or understanding, but they try their best. I come from a family where tears are unacceptable and a "stiff upper lip" is the most important thing in life.
I do have a good T. I actively work on self-care and lowering my stress.

Do you understand why he insisted you take him to court? 
How is your sleep and are you eating?  We're here for you as you process this and will be listening when you need us.   
Thanks, HQ. As far as why he insisted on court, it's uncertain & somewhat confusing. I have 2 theories on this:
1) His altered mental state created a delusion in him that he would have to pay me zero/minimal support. I am totally disabled and he physically & financially abandoned me, so this was extremely unrealistic on his part.
2) He is being self-destructive and/or playing the victim (as he has done in previous divorces). It's far easier for him to tell his family that I'm "taking him for all he's worth" than to own up to his responsibilities.

Yes, I'm eating, as much as I can financially afford. Sleep is difficult. I have a wonderful psychiatrist, T, and primary care doc who have my back, and they all feel I'm doing exceptionally well under the circumstances.

I can't thank you all enough for your feedback & support. I'm so grateful for my BPD fam.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  
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« Reply #4 on: April 25, 2018, 12:35:46 PM »

I'm so pleased for you that your L was able to arrange for financial support towards your medical expenses.  Also to hear that you have good support from friends and your health practitioners.  I can totally relate to the stiff upper lip thing with family.  Mine are kinda backward when it comes to emotional support.  I limit what I speak to them about as it's easier.  It is disappointing that things are that way, but I reached acceptance a long time ago.  How do you feel about the lack of support from your family? 

I must say that I'm in agreement with your T, as you do seem to be doing amazingly well.  That doesn't mean you won't wobble, and it's perfectly OK to go to pieces from time to time if that is what you need to do.  Healing isn't linear and we've all taken steps back along the way in order to move forwards.  Keep your support network close and lean when you need to.  Have you taken a look at the Lessons for this board yet?  I'd encourage you to digest these and ask any questions that arise for you.  We're here when you need us.   

Love and light x
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« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2018, 09:37:35 AM »

I can totally relate to the stiff upper lip thing with family.  Mine are kinda backward when it comes to emotional support.  I limit what I speak to them about as it's easier.  It is disappointing that things are that way, but I reached acceptance a long time ago.  How do you feel about the lack of support from your family? 

I must say that I'm in agreement with your T, as you do seem to be doing amazingly well.  That doesn't mean you won't wobble, and it's perfectly OK to go to pieces from time to time if that is what you need to do.  Healing isn't linear and we've all taken steps back along the way in order to move forwards.  Keep your support network close and lean when you need to.  Have you taken a look at the Lessons for this board yet? 

Re: the lack of support from my family, I feel that they provide support the best they can, but it's not the type of support I need from them. They think that distraction from my grief is the only way to deal with it. They take me out to lunch, movies, etc. There is definitely a certain value in distraction, but sometimes I need to talk about my feelings, the divorce process, etc. When I attempt to, they shut me down & change the subject. I know they are doing what they think is best, and I do appreciate that. I have to remind myself that they have suffered a loss as well, especially my father, who was close to my H and considered him a son.

Thank you for the "Lessons" link. I'm familiar with the stages of grief, but just now learning about the "Abandonment" & ":)etachment" stages. Thank you for reminding me it's ok to "go to pieces from time to time." Yesterday I gave myself "permission" to fall apart for a while and allowed myself to simply have "a bad day," with the condition that I would get back up on the horse today.

The issue I'm presently struggling with most is H's utter hatred of me. One of the last times we spoke, he told me that he "despises" me. He despises me for his "having to leave," for paying me support, etc. These are all things he brought on himself. I realize that in typical BPD fashion, all of his problems are someone else's fault, and that he doesn't believe his actions should have consequences. My T reminded me that it has to be either love or hate for a pwBPD, and that he can't allow himself love right now bc that would cause him too much pain & guilt.

While I fully understand all this, it doesn't make it hurt any less.
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« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2018, 09:57:05 AM »

Excerpt
He despises me for his "having to leave," for paying me support, etc.

Being on the receiving end of this is so difficult.  I feel for you.  It did make me wonder if this was his reasoning behind encouraging you to take him to court for the payments.  So that he would have a 'reason' to split you black.  Does that seem to fit with his past behaviour as you know it?  With adjusting to the situation of being apart and all that entails for you, you're going through enough already without hurtful words. 

Love and light x 
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« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2018, 12:51:33 AM »

You have far more experienced hands than I here on the detaching topic, so all I can offer, having exchanged support on our threads since I arrived, is my regrets at how things turned out, and my best wishes and confidence that things will improve for you.  You can weather this storm, and arrive at a better place!

WW
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« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2018, 01:25:19 AM »

I'm starting to process my grief for the beautiful yet deeply troubled man who gave me such happiness but also so much heartache.

My deepest condolences.

It's easy for so many of us in this Family to relate to the heartbreak of losing someone from our life for whom we still have compassion, indeed a "beautiful, yet deeply troubled [mate] who gave [us] such happiness... .

I can feel your sadness, and wish you as well as possible through what must be a devastating Life passage.
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« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2018, 03:50:29 AM »

I feel it too.
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« Reply #10 on: April 27, 2018, 07:02:53 AM »


Hey!

   

How have things been going managing disabilities?

FF
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« Reply #11 on: May 02, 2018, 11:31:55 AM »

It did make me wonder if this was his reasoning behind encouraging you to take him to court for the payments.  So that he would have a 'reason' to split you black.  Does that seem to fit with his past behaviour as you know it?
I believe that his insistence on my filing for support was due at least in part to needing a reason to portray himself to his family as a victim. Yes, this certainly does fit with his past behavior. On multiple occasions, his family has mentioned how his last ex "took him for everything." Certainly makes me wonder now about the truth of that.

How have things been going managing disabilities?
I won't lie, it's been rough. I didn't get awarded enough support to pay for home care, so I'm still trying to figure how to get some help with managing activities I can't perform. I've had to do much more on my own, and it's exacerbating my chronic pain. Sometimes it's still hard to believe that the man who was once so concerned for my physical well being is intentionally causing me so much pain now.

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement! Not sure what I'd do without my BPD family. 
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« Reply #12 on: May 02, 2018, 04:30:35 PM »

  I've had to do much more on my own, and it's exacerbating my chronic pain.

Ugg... .hang in there.  I had a bad spell a month or so ago.  For me, once momentum gets going and pain gets worse... it's hard to turn around and keeps getting worse for days... .

Then... .once it turns and starts getting better... .it will keep going. 

Very frustrating... .

Does any light exercise help you?  Do you have things you can mix up to try and address the pain?  As in... .do this one week... .do something else another week.



Sometimes it's still hard to believe that the man who was once so concerned for my physical well being is intentionally causing me so much pain now.


I'm certainly not defending your pwBPD... .but it is unlikely he is "thinking it through" and intentionally causing you harm.  I get it he is not intentionally helping you... .

Most likely his intention has something to do with him and he is not thinking much... .or somehow blaming you for some random thing.

Again... .not trying to give him a pass... .but... .helps to keep it in the "most likely" perspective.

FF
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« Reply #13 on: May 03, 2018, 09:53:38 AM »

Does any light exercise help you?  Do you have things you can mix up to try and address the pain?  As in... .do this one week... .do something else another week.
Yes I exercise several times/week - try to mix it up as much as I can.

I'm certainly not defending your pwBPD... .but it is unlikely he is "thinking it through" and intentionally causing you harm.  I get it he is not intentionally helping you... .

Most likely his intention has something to do with him and he is not thinking much... .or somehow blaming you for some random thing.

Again... .not trying to give him a pass... .but... .helps to keep it in the "most likely" perspective.
Thanks, FF. You are always great at reminding me to not take a pwBPD's actions personally.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #14 on: May 09, 2018, 10:10:31 AM »

So H came over this past weekend to pick up most of the rest of his things. I had packed up his items and pushed them out into the hallway by our apartment door so that I could just let him into the building, but would not have to let him in the apartment. I had emailed him a list of his items ahead of time and asked him to add to the list anything else he wanted before he came over. He didn't add anything. He did request some furniture, but we agreed that we would address that issue after he picked up his other items. We also agreed that I would leave a copy of the list with his things and that he would sign & date it and leave it for me.
So, he came and retrieved his things and we didn't have any contact, which is exactly how I wanted it. It got very weird afterward though:

After he left, I went into the hallway to retrieve the list/receipt I left for him to sign. He didn't date it, and on the signature line, instead of signing his name, he just made a series of scribbles. He also wrote on it that several items were missing - items he had never asked for prior and that we hadn't discussed. His handwriting was strange - almost childlike.

Throughout the rest of the afternoon, I received a series of emails from him. Started out fairly normal, saying he picked up his things, then they got progressively angrier & stranger with each email. Some of them were nearly incoherent.

We emailed yesterday to make arrangements for him to get his furniture from the apartment. He's only half-answering questions, and being very vague in his responses. I'm not sure if he is being intentionally difficult as means of control, or if he is in such an altered state of mind that he's not able to communicate effectively. In either case, it's very disturbing.
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« Reply #15 on: May 09, 2018, 04:23:11 PM »

It's good to hear that you carefully planned through his retrieval of his things without having to be in contact with him.  That was a sensible move to protect yourself from a painful encounter. 

Perhaps what you're seeing in his behaviour is him having difficulty with the fact that you are maintaining your boundaries and he may be attempting to get you to shift them.  How do you intend to go about him collecting furniture?

Love and light x
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« Reply #16 on: May 09, 2018, 10:48:21 PM »

I'm glad to hear that the bulk of the transfer went smoothly, but sorry to hear about the worrisome behaviors.  I know that in a raw situation like this when someone so close to us, who has a difficult history with us, acts irrationally, it is pretty anxiety-provoking.  Perhaps he is on new medications, or the stress is affecting him so much he is having trouble coping.  Continue to minimize contact, and be careful not to antagonize him.  He is operating past his limit.  Consider working through your lawyers to resolve the last few details.  Send the e-mail chain to your lawyer.

WW
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« Reply #17 on: May 11, 2018, 09:59:35 AM »

Perhaps he is on new medications, or the stress is affecting him so much he is having trouble coping.  Continue to minimize contact, and be careful not to antagonize him.  He is operating past his limit.
He's not taking any medications and has stopped seeing his T.
I agree that minimal contact is critical, and I'm doing my best with that.

How do you intend to go about him collecting furniture?
This going to be difficult. I have to allow him into the apartment to get the furniture. We are trying to nail down specifics - date/time, who is coming with him, etc., but he responds with partial answers, or none at all. He sent me an email yesterday telling me I'm not answering his questions, & therefore making it difficult for him to retrieve his items. That got me pretty upset, bc I have been extraordinarily accommodating. Then I went into self-doubt mode: I started reading back through all the emails, looking for all times I didn't answer his questions & the ways in which I'm being "difficult." I could not find a singular instance where I didn't answer a question or accommodate a reasonable request. Then it suddenly dawned on me: I'm being gaslighted. Again. I instantly became flooded with memories of all the times he gaslighted me during our r/s, sometimes to the point where I thought I was going insane. I was surprised by the emotion this evoked in me: relief. Relief that some day soon the day will come when I will never again have to deal with his head games.
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« Reply #18 on: May 11, 2018, 11:26:36 AM »

Ah that blissful relief.  I remember well feeling it myself when I knew that I would no longer be party to all that.  I'm glad you reached that point and no longer will have to doubt yourself.  You know who you are.

Could you enlist the help of a friend, family member or neighbour to be there and allow him access to the items you've agreed he take?  From the sounds of it he can impact you emotionally (unsurprisingly) and that is likely to be a difficult situation to subject yourself to.  Difficult for both of you.  It's worth considering.  My counsellor often reminds me of the need to keep myself safe emotionally.

Love and light x 
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« Reply #19 on: May 11, 2018, 11:29:37 AM »

In his current state, it seems unlikely that he is intentionally gaslighting you.  Not to say that the impact on you isn't the same -- you feel what you feel.  You are rational, organized, and write deliberately.  It doesn't surprise me that you answered all of his questions.  Wanting to check yourself and go through the whole email chain again is, well, familiar to me!  But he is almost certainly not reading as thoroughly as you are writing.  He has uncertainty in his head.  The answers from you may be in the e-mails, or maybe he's upset that you haven't answered questions he hasn't asked yet.  Trying to plan with someone in these circumstances is just going to get you both more frustrated.

It seems like the only questions are which pieces of furniture, when, and who's going to be there.  Can you make it that simple?  Can he just send you a list of what he wants?

Is there a neutral person you'd trust to be there so you don't have to be?

WW
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« Reply #20 on: May 11, 2018, 12:22:45 PM »

In his current state, it seems unlikely that he is intentionally gaslighting you.  

gaslighting tends to be a term we shy away from.  Projection, I believe, is the more acceptable term.

My understanding is gaslighting is more of an intentional thing, whereas projection is a result of dysfunctional emotions playing out.

Still... you feel what you feel... .

   

I'm going to encourage you to put less effort into checking yourself (going over old emails) and more energy into current communications that "hand him the responsibility".

"Please let me know the questions you believe have not been answered sufficiently." 

Also realize he is unlikely to expend the effort to detail this, which means you should NOT expend the effort to sort this out either.  In the off chance he does detail a question or two, answer it (again if needed) succinctly, stay away from the debate about "I answered this in my email of xxmay18". 

If he starts a pattern of asking the exact same thing over time, then perhaps we revisit this. 

It's critical you stay "succinct" or "BIFF format" so the only issue you are dealing with, is the factual question.  He is likely to try to use this to "re-litigate" the relationship and/or express current feelings that are bothering him.  That's not your circus

I join Wentworth in encouraging you to find someone else to be present for these events... .so you can not be there.

FF
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« Reply #21 on: May 18, 2018, 12:02:24 PM »

Ah that blissful relief.  I remember well feeling it myself when I knew that I would no longer be party to all that.  I'm glad you reached that point and no longer will have to doubt yourself.  You know who you are.
It's a good feeling, and I believe it's the first time I've felt it since he left. I'm allowing myself to enjoy it & beginning to attach some other emotions to it as well. I visualize a window that's been painted shut for years, now pried open, providing me with not only the fresh air I've been craving, but also with an opening where I can throw out those suffocating negative emotions:
Fear of eviction due to his screaming? Out the window!
Terror of being forced into sex? Out the window!
Anxiety about "who" he'll be when he comes home from work? O. T. W.!

It's odd talking about H to friends & family who don't know or understand BPD: "How can you miss him? He did such horrible things to you!" Well, because while I'm relieved to be rid of "Mr. Hyde," I still long to have ":)r. Jekyll" back. Sadly, you can't have one without the other. Only we, as people who have had a r/s with a pwBPD, can truly understand the duality of the disorder.

In his current state, it seems unlikely that he is intentionally gaslighting you.  Not to say that the impact on you isn't the same -- you feel what you feel. 

gaslighting tends to be a term we shy away from.  Projection, I believe, is the more acceptable term.
My understanding is gaslighting is more of an intentional thing, whereas projection is a result of dysfunctional emotions playing out.
True, it may not be actual gaslighting, & is more than likely projection. I was ruminating on which it is, and then I had an epiphany: I don't have to care about it anymore!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
I'm starting to feel a sense of freedom; a release from the countless hours of mental anguish from trying to decipher his emotions/behaviors.

Re: Finding a neutral party to be present in my stead when he collects his things, unfortunately, I must be present to witness what he is taking out of our home and to ensure he doesn't take any joint property.
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« Reply #22 on: May 18, 2018, 12:22:59 PM »


You can... and perhaps should be present when he takes the stuff.

Either way, a third party should be present. 

I really think that you should make this as business like as possible... .as detached as possible.

No more trips over, unless there is a list that has been agreed to via email ahead of time.  So... a clear detailed list of what is being taken.  Your "representative" can verify that only things on the list are being taken.  Perhaps you stay in a back room with the door shut... .and enjoy a book or something like that.

Obviously making sure that nothing on the list is in the room. 

Thoughts?

FF
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« Reply #23 on: May 18, 2018, 12:53:48 PM »

I am glad you are getting to a place where you can experience some release and relief!  Keep us posted!  Let us know when you know the date for him to collect his things.

WW
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2839


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #24 on: May 21, 2018, 02:57:03 PM »

Bananas2 your last post really made me smile.  I can literally feel those things going out of the window!  Great news!  When I began to appreciate the things that I no longer had to contend with, and the things I now had available to me - peace, time, calm, freedom (the list goes on) - that was a major turning point.  I'm so happy that you're finding strength in that.  And yes of course the other side of the coin remains, but as you say, you can't have one without the other. 

I think you are very brave to be present, and in your current mindset you sound more than cut out for the task.  Do let us know how things go.  If you have any reason for concern about his behaviour, it might be an idea to have a friend present as well for support and to deter anything he wouldn't want to have witnessed.

Love and light x
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