My borderline left me heartbroken engaged to another man

[dman77]

My story is that I spent four half years loving someone who I felt was my best friend.  She made me feel so special. Over time I gradually saw a pattern of her loving me deeply only to push me away.  She would constantly call me on phone only to look for fights accuse me of things I did not do.  I was so excited to see her all week I was busy working and taking care of my children. I lost my wife and she was a widow also.  We had everything in common except I wanted to be in a healthy relationship she wanted to slowly destroy me.  She would call me at home constantly and if I did not answer she would accuse me and yell at me. She hated my children and made me feel guilty that I needed to take care of them and their needs she felt that I should only take care of her needs. I was loving and caring.  But after time she grew to hate me. She wanted me to Marry her how could I when she abused me and never took blame and never apologized.  When she left I begged for her return. She kept calling me and said we were working getting back together for 7 months pull me in push me away.  She would call me than just call me to tell me I abused her w my mouth and constantly put her down. I did not I only would try to help her she pushed and pushed until I would insult her than walk away.  I always called her back but I had to accept the blame. She never apologized. I don’t know how I can still love her!  I called her after 3 months no contact. She told me she was with a man who is 39 she is 47 who is a soccer coach w no money. I’m a professional man good looking w a beautiful house can have any women. But I love her and want her. I’m codependent on the good times we had. I know I’m not to blame for relationship problems. I feel if I would have proposed she would have been happy. In my heart though I know she would always look for problems and I would never be happy.  I suppose I’m desperate for the good times. I truly loved being w her.  :)id I mention she drinks so much at least 2to3 glasses white wine a day. She would wake next day and never remember things she said it would twist events from portion day. She had a habit of accusing me of minor things or twist events to make me look like bad person.  It’s crazy all my pics are still on her Facebook of us hugging hearts around us in Valentine pics.  She is engaged after knowing him maybe 4 months. Most likely I’m a sucker and she was dating him longer but telling me on phone she misses me I’m her best friend and that she loves me but cannot forgive for what I did to her for 4 years. I loved her deeply so deeply.  She would just push my buttons until I said something I regreted.   She hated being alone and accused me constantly of not being there for her.    I’m so broken. I would take her back. Good times were so good but I could not Marry her.  Now that she told me she is engaged she wants absolutely nothing to do w me.  The night she told me she was engaged. I cried to her asked if she would Marry me and leave him.  I’m so pathetic!   She then continued to bring up the past and say I was abusive verbally I never was but I stood up for myself when treated poorly.   She than hung up on me which she often did when I tried to defend my self and not bow down to her.  I am so pathetic I want her relationship to end and her to come back. I now now what she has her mental illness. I did not know what was going on for many years. I could have dealt with her better. I live in the past of what ifs.  I wish I did not get angry when she treated me bad. The good times were so good but I ask myself why should I put up with a dysfunction women who also has a drinking problem.  I’m dating but I have not connected to a women like her or find someone as attractive as I find her. She called me next day after she told me she was engaged but I be nice and end in a pleasant manner. But than she kept bringing up past huts and again I just said I was sorry or could not remember doling what she said. She just wanted to fight w me again!  Then she hung up on me.  I have proceeded to sent her texts telling her I want to Marry her and I am sorry for hurting her and I will never do it abain. I know I’m pathetic. But I do not love easily and I love her. I know I have to forget her she has a another man.  She said he is such a kind man. That hurts so much because I’m such a kind loving man. But I stand up for myself and did not usually let myself get walked on.  Any way I’m just so broken I want to feel love again and be in a healthy relationship. But my codependency wants her back so much.  Please any comments or advice would help!      4 months and engaged to a man 8 years younger.  Why would he ask her.  I know she is beautiful.  I hope her bad side emerges soon.    I do miss her so!  Yes I feel I am sick too.  I wYed for 7 long months for her to return while she led me on the phone that we were working on things.  Than find out she is engaged just last week I so broken!’   Please help

[Wicker Man]

A lot of your story resonates with me, as it is hauntingly familiar. 

If I may I would suggest seeing a therapist. I was fortunate, in that, my therapist is currently treating some patients who suffer from BPD.  He understands the condition and has helped me understand the fallout from my experience. 

Reading and contributing here on BPD Family has helped me as well.  I was unaware of the disorder until after my relationship ended -but knowledge has helped me begin to heal.

I am sorry for your pain.  What I have come to realize is this, perhaps it isn't her I miss, but my dream of her.  The dream of the fairytale love which was a fantastical construct --not based in reality.

To this day I miss her in my heart, but in my mind I know she would have consumed me. 

I also have great resources, kindness, patients and offered them all -I would have tried to move heaven and earth for her and in doing so ended life as I know it. 

I chose to leave her, a woman I loved more deeply than I have any other  --to preserve myself.


Wicker Man

[Shawnlam]

It is astonishing to see so much similarities in stories and how ppl with BPD tend to function.I think really as unfair and inappropriate as she was for leading you on while engaged just proves they need a backup plan.There is always someone else unfortunately and you become backup plan B.Its probably one of the most gut wretching aspects besides infidelity that victims deal with (and divorce with children involved). I’m sorry this happened to you but you are not alone read,ask questions and write ... .in time you will feel better

[Mutt]

Hi



Id like to join the others and welcome you to the family as you can see you’re not alone. I can relate with that feeling like no one else will understand you like your pwBPD. Hearing about how happy she is is gut wrenching. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

She called me next day after she told me she was engaged but I be nice and end in a pleasant manner. But than she kept bringing up past huts and again I just said I was sorry or could not remember doling what she said. She just wanted to fight w me again!  Then she hung up on me.  I have proceeded to sent her texts telling her I want to Marry her and I am sorry for hurting her and I will never do it abain. I know I’m pathetic. But I do not love easily and I love her. I know I have to forget her she has a another man.  She said he is such a kind man. That hurts so much because I’m such a kind loving man. But I stand up for myself and did not usually let myself get walked on.

Don’t be hard on yourself. You sound like a nice guy she’s was looking for attention when she picked a fight with you. You did the right for sticking up for your values it’s on her if she disrespected your boundaries. Is she still contacting you?

[Jeffree]

dman77,

I have to say, the thing that really jumped out at me in your post was how many times you referred to yourself as pathetic.

You're not pathetic. Your SO fed you the BPD love drug, which at first is extremely intoxicating and gradually devolves into a painful cocktail of abuse.

That you want to keep trying to fix your relationship with her rather than her marry someone else when you realize she is likely mentally compromised doesn't make you much different than many of us here.

Unfortunately, pwBPD don't usually leave us the choice to evolve together with them.

J