I need to stop blaming BPD

[ozmatoz]

I need to stop blaming BPD.

Yes BPD may be what I'm dealing with but I am finding that I am having a hard time separating that she has some problems with the results and actions of those problems.

I am struggling with radical acceptance.  When I first found out about dealing with BPD I realized I didn't know jack about how to handle it.  I had no tools, I had zero knowledge.  I felt it was my fault that I didn't know how to deal or help my own wife.  That blame on myself is still with me.  I feel a lot of guilt about moving forward with a divorce because I have decided I cannot deal with BPD antics anymore.  I feel guilt that I was never able to utilize the tools enough to create a better life for my family.  I feel guilty that I am trying to create a better life for myself.

I then get angry about feeling guilty.  It is a tough circle of emotions.  I feel like I need something to blame and by looking at BPD as the place for the blame I start to feel like a victim.  I feel weak.
When I feel weak I have less energy to keep moving forward and my uBPDw's recycle attempts get stronger.

I need to stop blaming BPD because I will need to keep owning my half of the problems if I am to ever to have a healthy r/s in the future.

I need to stop blaming BPD because it is still my wife's choice to speak to me the way she does.  It is still her choice to not seek legitimate counseling to work through some terrible childhood traumas.  It is still her choice to want to hit the nuke button rather than figure out divorce in best way for the kids.

I may be off base here a little and I'm sure some will say that a person with BPD cannot choose to do things normally and maybe thats the case.

I have a strange battle going on in my head as I am having difficulty keeping my foot on the gas with this divorce.  Limbo land is killing me.

I feel like I am in my own personal drama triangle.  Thoughts?

[Wicker Man]

I have started and stopped responding to your post several times.  I hope my response is appropriate.  It is certainly meant with the best of intentions.

I may be off base here a little and I'm sure some will say that a person with BPD cannot choose to do things normally and maybe thats the case.

I have a strange battle going on in my head as I am having difficulty keeping my foot on the gas with this divorce.  Limbo land is killing me.

I am one of those people who believed my undiagnosed ex had no volition, no control, or perhaps any understanding of her emotions.  This did not change the net result, which was her periodically flying into uncontrolled rages, dysphoria, disassociation, lying, and cheating. 

She once tore all of the flooring out of her grandparents home and smashed all the tile in their kitchen.  --She had no element of control, no emotional governor - I am sure at that moment she was full of hate.  She adores her grandparents she told me often 'They are the most important people in my life'.  Well... .  How did that work out for them. 

Simply because my ex had no control over her emotions does not absolve her from her actions.  The situation is sad, because she hurts the ones she holds most dear.  I have a lot of pity for my her.

Divorce is tremendously difficult in the best of situations.  I am teetering on the precipice of divorce myself.  I am embarrassed to admit my undiagnosed BPD person was an affair partner.  I only mention this to say I have some understanding of the magnitude of divorce -although we have no children the prospect of divorce is daunting.

Do you have access to a therapist?  I have been seeing one and he has helped me gain some level of understanding and begin the healing process.  I am a codependent 'people pleaser'  --I have a lot of work to do on myself.

My tryst with BPD was only a single year, but it has left me feeling bruised, battered (emotionally not literally... .I had 100 pounds on her) and confused.



Wicker Man

[Struggler123]

codependent 'people pleaser'  --I have a lot of work to do on myself.

Wicker Man

I like yourself am a people pleaser as well, does that mean, I think of it as a problem, off course not. But, Does that mean, I need to be aware of my emotions and wants, certainly. I completey agree with Wicker Man. BPD or not, actions speak louder than words. For a very long time, I thought I could change my ex, I could change her mood swings, by being available 24/7, listening to everything and giving her the support that I wish a partner would have given me. But you see, the problem is YOU are only responsible for YOURSELF. There’s a reason its a personality disorder and not a trait. If love and marriage was the cure to BPD, this forum wouldn’t exist. In no way am I saying BPD’s dont deserve love they do, but they deserve to understand that the love cant be taken for granted. The solution to that is therapy, and hard work. Even with therapy, its a long and difficult journey, but the question is what exactly are you blaming yourself for? You have to understand that you were a victim of abuse, and you need your time and space to recover. I wish you the best and I’m really sorry for what your facing as well Wicker Man. You helped me understand so much. Positive thoughts to you all!

[ozmatoz]

Wicker thank you for the reply.  Sounds like you have been through quite the ringer.  I know all too well that the emotional pain far outweighs anything physical she threw at me.  I'm sorry to hear you are going through this too.  Frankly I don't wish divorce on anyone, let alone detaching from a pwBPD.

I have been seeing a therapist for about an year.  She was the first one that helped me discover BPD.  She started with trying to help me with the tools and just be a good sounding board.  Her first goal like most Ts was to help save the marriage.  Eventually it became clear to her how much I was self destructing under the rage and control and she told me she thought is was time to get out.  We spent a few months trying to figure out what was normal and not normal so I could get a clearer picture of what could be waiting for me on the other side.  I have taken a break about 3 months since I've seen her.  I just need to get some of my $hit done but eagerly look forward to getting back to finally work on my healing.  Part of which is letting go of blame.

All the best to you.

Struggler, thank you for the kind words.  Yes actions do speak louder than words.  Also I believe that words can sometimes be actions.  A few angry comments in the heat of the moment?  Ok... they happen.  Making a choice to berate someone daily for hours for months on end?  Not ok.  Walking in to their room at 3am and flipping on the lights to say these "words" again? Not Ok. 
There have been a few writings I have done lately that I have finally been able to write that I was abused.  I certainly cannot have that conversation with stbx as it just turns things back into the blame game.

If love and marriage was the cure to BPD, this forum wouldn’t exist.

How very true.  Good luck in your journey.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

Hey oz... .I feel for you. It is a very tough place to be. Maybe you're still in the grieving process. Feelings are never wrong. You feel how you feel and it may give you some insights into yourself. I've been divorced now for a few years and I'm still struggling with radical acceptance of my ex's behaviors. It's not easy by any means.

In my situation, I'm still coming to terms that my ex abused me emotionally. Not all BPDs are abusive. Just like not all abusive people are BPD. He is an adult. He's over 50 years old. He made a lot of choices for various reasons and he hurt me even when I begged him to stop. Even when I tried to explain how I felt about his behaviors and how it affected me with the help of a counselor. His behaviors continued and got worse. I could not live that way anymore. His brain may be wired differently but that doesn't mean I have to let him treat me that way.

Have you been journaling to see why you feel so much guilt? Did something in particular trigger it? Why do you feel the need to blame someone/something? Have you explored that with your therapist? For me, I learned that my guilt is based on internal shame. I've felt an internal shame for who I am or what I've done for years when it wasn't true because of being emotionally abused for most of my life. For me, it goes back to my childhood and I'm working on it. It's not something one can "just get over". It takes time and a good therapist, IMO. If you've been the scapegoat for when something goes wrong for someone, it may be your "natural" reaction to blame yourself for pretty much anything when it's no where near your fault. Even if something is your fault, it's okay. We try to recognize it, accept it, learn from it, and move on. We all make mistakes. We are human and it's okay. 

In a way, this reminds me of "trauma bonding". Have you explored this topic with your therapist? My therapist has me reading a book called "The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships" by Patrick Carnes. I haven't finished it yet but it really hits home for me on several things. Sometimes it seemed to me that I was "addicted" to blaming myself, especially when my ex wasn't around anymore. It was as if I had gotten used to those feelings of being blamed for everything and I was stuck in my own drama triangle. I hope this makes sense. I could be way off base.

Also, don't push yourself and please don't be hard on yourself. Detaching from someone like this isn't easy and takes time. Everyone heals at their own pace. I'm still healing. I still have really bad triggers from time to time and I see my therapist twice a month.

I know what I felt I did "wrong" in my marriage and how I contributed to its failure. I also know why I couldn't stay married to him because of his behaviors (which only got worse). It took time for me to not feel bad or guilty about it. It happened. I can't change it. All I can do is accept it, learn from it, and try to move on which is easier said than done especially when my ex keeps reminding me of what a horrible person I am (I disagree with him, btw). I'm getting better at recognizing his projection as time goes on.

I think this is where good boundaries and self awareness help. I now know what I will and will not tolerate as behaviors from people, especially my ex. I now know what is abuse and what is not abuse. I remind myself that I am in control of my reactions regardless of how many buttons my ex tries to push for me to snap. I know who I am. He does not and it's painfully obvious when he tries to paint me as this horrendous monster. I have to remind myself he is abusive. He rewrites my own personal history to suit his view of reality. He tries to gaslight me about my own past experiences that he had no part of. For example, he claims I'm just like my father. He never met my father. My father died when I was a teenager. My ex and I met in college. 

I also have to remind myself that we are all adults. We all make choices (good or bad). For people with BPD, it could very well be that's how their brains are wired. That doesn't absolve them from acting like jerks, though. Just like my having PTSD doesn't absolve me from acting like a jerk now and then. It may explain a lot but it's not an excuse to behave badly or to treat people poorly in general.

I hope this helps. I feel like I'm rambling.

[Mutt]

Hi ozmatoz,

The others talked about a T did you know that sometimes T’s enter therapy when they treat borderlines. Don’t be hard on yourself a lot of us didn’t have the tools to help cope with a serious mental illness. I’m sure that you tried your best it’s even challenging for professionals.

The three C’s

You didn’t cause it.

You can’t control it.

You can’t cure it.

Radical acceptance comes in stages and it takes time to radically accept someone or something that caused you a lot of pain in your life. Can I make a suggestion? I would add working on forgiven for yourself.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Ozmataz,

I get what you are saying about feeling guilty that you weren’t able to utilize the tools to help your family.  I feel the same way.  All during my relationship to my UBPDH things were up and down.  He behaved in ways that I never should have tolerated and I did a lot of things that betrayed my values just to keep the peace.  I know that I made mistakes in how I responded to him.  It just shouldn’t be that difficult or complicated.  Now that we are separated and I am working on detaching I still sometimes think if only I could find that missing piece of the puzzle.  It’s like a mystery I just can’t solve. 

I set boundaries about the treatment I would accept.  As you say, it’s still their choice to not deal with the childhood issues causing the underlying problems.  It’s still not ok to be verbally, emotionally or physically abused. 

I know from experience and I am going through it right now, how very painful it is.

It seems that you have left no stone unturned in your thinking.  You have thought about it and written about it and come to the same conclusion that things cannot continue as they are. 

I hope things will get better for you soon.  Peace and blessings, Mustbe

[ozmatoz]

Thank you everyone for the caring responses.

Her actions and words have been all over the place and I know that I don't have a crystal ball.  I know that I cannot predict what version is on the other end of the phone or waiting for me when I walk in the door.  I know that I shouldn't be hard on myself for feeling like I'm chasing ghosts.

This forum is so wonderful, all of your personal stories and advice help me define and frame some of these difficult feelings. 

The more I work through this maybe its not just blaming BPD or myself for not knowing the tools, I think I am also blaming myself (and feeling some shame) for not being able to stand up for myself when this all started years ago.  I know where I went wrong in the beginning, I know I didn't give some of her worries enough attention.  I know I didn't give the effort my marriage needed.  I also know she didn't either.  I also know her solution was to have an affair.  Then to ask for an open marriage.  Then to ignore me.  Then when I finally started to choose my own life she chose to turn into an abusive (both physical and verbal) monster.  I have never seen someone dysregulate before.  It was scary every single time.

I guess I am being hard on myself.  I used to be so outgoing, I used to be full of pride, I used to be a good leader, I used to be strong.  I still have no idea how I let all of that go.  I wish I had been myself a few years back and just put my foot down and walked away.  I wish I had done it last fall when she was arrested for DV.  I can't change the past and I know if I am to ever avoid this again I need to get out of my head and get back to who I really am.  Maybe I need to radically accept myself and the mistakes that I made in order to forgive.

There are several members that have mentioned PTSD from being in r/s with pwBPD.  I have touched on this with my T in the past but I think I need to revisit it.  I don't want innocent people innocently triggering me and undeservedly getting poor behavior.  I want better relationships in my life not worse.

Again, thank you everyone for walking with me through this journey.  I may still be very hurt but I do see some light.

-Oz

 

[Wicker Man]

Her actions and words have been all over the place and I know that I don't have a crystal ball.  I know that I cannot predict what version is on the other end of the phone or waiting for me when I walk in the door.  I know that I shouldn't be hard on myself for feeling like I'm chasing ghosts.

My experience with an undiagnosed BPD lover was brief -only a year.  In that year I experienced a lot -love, rage, cutting, dysphoria, dysregulation, dissociation (hallucinations) lying, cheating.  There never seemed to be any rhyme or reason to her actions.

This forum is so wonderful, all of your personal stories and advice help me define and frame some of these difficult feelings. 

After spending hours reading hereI feel I have gained a level of understanding what in the hell I had been through.  BPD Family is, without a doubt, an important resource.

The more I work through this maybe its not just blaming BPD or myself for not knowing the tools, I think I am also blaming myself (and feeling some shame) for not being able to stand up for myself when this all started years ago. 

In my opinion we all do the best we can in the moment.  All we can do is accept the past and try to learn from it moving forward.  Are there things in my past I would like to change?  Sure, of course.  Personally, I am doing my best to not dwell on the past, but instead use my past as a springboard toward a better future... .  This is the theory anyway... .

I have never seen someone dysregulate before.  It was scary every single time.

I would have said terrifying, but 'scary' works too... .

I used to be so outgoing, I used to be full of pride, I used to be a good leader, I used to be strong.  I still have no idea how I let all of that go.

It is all still within you -no one can take this away.  These things you like about yourself will reemerge in time.

  I wish I had been myself a few years back and just put my foot down and walked away. 

Well... .I had an epiphany after my ex went on a 7 day rage.  I did leave.  I got out early, but the emotional fallout has been fierce.  It is taking me time to sort things out, to get my thoughts and emotions centered again.  Therapy and time seem to be the answer.

There are several members that have mentioned PTSD from being in r/s with pwBPD.  I have touched on this with my T in the past but I think I need to revisit it.

It is really good you have a therapist.  I am going to go see mine this afternoon.  Ending any relationship is difficult -but recovering from and trying to understand my dance with BPD is proving to be a challenge.

 I may still be very hurt but I do see some light.

You are without a doubt not alone.  I so look forward to the day I don't think about my BPD ex, the day I am truly over my relationship.


Wicker Man

 

[ozmatoz]

In my opinion we all do the best we can in the moment.  All we can do is accept the past and try to learn from it moving forward.  Are there things in my past I would like to change?  Sure, of course.  Personally, I am doing my best to not dwell on the past, but instead use my past as a springboard toward a better future... .  This is the theory anyway... .

I will say this is really something I need to keep front and center in my mind.  As we start going through things and exchanging financial information things are starting to hit uBPDw that I wasn't lying all along.  That we really did need her to work, that we really couldn't afford the car she demanded, or the millions of things she never stopped buying for the kids.  Of course the fact that our mortgage is so high, or that we had to take an equity line to cover some student loans or the fact that we really have no money is entirely my fault.  Apparently because she wasn't "plugged in" to our finances I am a failure that ruined us and she should not be held liable for any of "my" financial decisions.

Its frustrating because like usual there is some shred of truth in there.  I could have managed things a bit better.  I should have been able to keep her more in the loop but frankly I didn't want to keep hearing how "poor" we are.

The reality is I made the best decisions I could at the time.  In hindsight they weren't all that great and I am feeling a bit humbled and down on myself for not being able to get my family into a more solid financial situation.  uBPDw has certainly picked up on that and is really putting the screws to me about how much I f-d up and she shouldn't have to pay for any of it.  Of course she is expecting to receive her half of everything in the asset division.  Leave me with all the debt, and then has demanded I provide more because she "can't" work full time (which is also apparently my fault).  Oh and she believes I should pay and let her and the girls live in the house until she decides she no longer wants to.  Yup.

She can't understand that we went through hell with a lifelong medical diagnosis for D11.  She can't understand that her rage and jealousy over money is part of the reason I clammed up and stopped talking to her about it.  She can't understand that her "need" to keep her "image" cost us dearly.  She can't understand that I never imagined or intended us to be getting divorced at this stage in our life.  She can't understand that financial well being is a lifelong exercise and that if we had been able to keep this together, in the end we'd be ok (more than ok).
She can't understand that I can't just switch jobs on a dime every time she'd like to work less...

I think you get the jist of what I'm saying.  She put it all on me, she still puts it all on me, and will continue to demand its all on me.

This is tough to deal with when blaming yourself for some missteps.  I can take some blame, just not all of it.