Notification Given -- Time to Detach

[mama-wolf]

OK, so it did finally happen this morning.  During our session with the MC, I finally informed uBPDw of my need to separate.  A this point, I hope this post is appropriate to start and remain in the Detaching board, as I really need to work through fully detaching from this relationship.

Her reaction was calmer than I expected (no blow-ups, though she did cry).  I attribute a lot of that to the fact that we were in the MC's office.  I’m waiting for her real reaction to hit me, whether it's sometime later this weekend, or in the next several days/weeks. 

She started with “I can’t believe you’re saying this” and ended with saying she knew it was coming.  She’s pissed at the idea anyone else knew before I told her—especially my mom, since I made the arrangements for the kids to stay with her.  The added complication there is the deep resentment my stbx as towards my relationship with my mom.

She pressed a lot for how long I have known and who else I have told.  Said she knows she couldn’t have done anything differently, that she’s still waiting for me to take some of the responsibility for the relationship ending.  I resisted every attempt to get drawn into discussion and accusations.  She ended up being the one to leave the session first, and I stayed put for a bit so that I wasn’t walking out with her.

Over the course of the day, I have gotten several texts from her... .mostly logistical in nature, checking on arrangements for the dog, and a time to stop by to pick up toiletries, etc. in order to stay tonight at a friend's house.  I had arranged for me and the kids to stay away for the night, but she (understandably) didn't want to stay at the house by herself.  Instead, I am back at the house myself, hanging out with the dog, because I have no issue with everyone else being gone.

I had a great dinner tonight out with an old friend who is so very supportive, and am now sinking into my couch getting ready to get some much needed sleep.  And as I fall asleep, I'm watching an old favorite movie of mine that my stbx has never really had an interest in, and thinking of the many ways I will be able to reconnect with myself after neglecting those parts of me for a very long time.

mw

[Harley Quinn]

Mama-wolf I know you've put a lot of time and thought into this and want to congratulate you on taking this brave and decisive step.  At any point it can be so easy for us to turn back for any number of reasons and you've remained true to yourself 

How did you feel when you broke the news?  What do you expect her behaviour to be like from this point, based on your experience of how she reacts to uncomfortable news?  Do you anticipate any extreme behaviour?

You are most certainly on the right board to work through detaching and we will be with you every step of the way.  Enjoy planning and acting on ways to reconnect with yourself to the full and take really good care of yourself.  Keep your support around you and come here as much as helps. 

Love and light x

[babyducks]

Hi mama-wolf

Welcome to healing, peace, and the road to a better fuller life.

Said she knows she couldn’t have done anything differently, that she’s still waiting for me to take some of the responsibility for the relationship ending. 

     oh sheeeesh.   I heard "still waiting for you to take some of the responsibility for not doing enough to save the relationship".     and that messed with my head for a long time.    took me a while to turn it around and say Hey Wait A Minute, that's a fallacy.   I did take responsibility I went to therapy.  I came to this website.   I read books.    I worked the skills the best I could.   I was, if anything over responsible.   I couldn't have been any more careful and still be a living breathing human being.   

for about two weeks after my relationship ended I just felt relief.  and numb.   my Ex ended the relationship at the exact same time as my mother entered her final illness.    (not a coincidence I think)   and I distinctly remember thinking oh thank goodness I don't have to do hospital, wake, funernal and family all with someone screaming at me.

in a strange and round about fashion, being with my EX was the catalyst that launched me into doing more for myself, taking better care of myself, and being kinder to myself.   I hope it works that way for you too.

'ducks

[toomanydogs]

Hi Mama-Wolf,
 I want to echo Duck's sentiments (Hi, Ducks!): Welcome to a fuller, kinder, gentler life. I also want to echo Harley Quinn's sentiments: I admire that you stuck to your decision to leave. I knew I needed to get out of my marriage, and I didn't. My STBX initiated, and I now realize that I benefit by his leaving much more than he benefits.
 My STBX has been gone 10 months. Ten months NC. I also got hit with the 'you could have done more,' but that came from my soon-to-be-ex FIL.
  Even though I am still roller-coasting now and then I am grateful I'm out.
  Welcome. Your life is truly about to get much much better,
TMD

[mama-wolf]

Mama-wolf I know you've put a lot of time and thought into this and want to congratulate you on taking this brave and decisive step.  At any point it can be so easy for us to turn back for any number of reasons and you've remained true to yourself 

Thank you, Harley Quinn.  My therapist has said twice now that she's proud of me.  I just don't get it... .it doesn't feel like there is anything to be proud of me for.  But it is kind for both her and you to say these things, so thank you.

How did you feel when you broke the news?  What do you expect her behaviour to be like from this point, based on your experience of how she reacts to uncomfortable news?  Do you anticipate any extreme behaviour?

Aside from the obvious nervousness of actually saying the words yesterday (which made it really difficult to find the words to say at all), and outside of the overwhelming anxiety that has hit me in waves, I have spent the last several weeks/months feeling pretty... .numb.  Including yesterday.  My T has tried asking me how I'm feeling... .the MC asked me at a couple points yesterday... .and I just don't know.  I just can't figure out what I'm feeling.  It worked to my benefit yesterday... .my T even recommended I try to unplug from the emotion of telling her in order to insulate myself from potential accusations, etc.  I get the short-term purpose, but we both know it's not a good long-term coping mechanism, so I'm going to need her help working through identifying and then working through the actual emotions.

I did expect my stbx's response to be more explosive, but I should have known differently.  The second she referred to feeling embarrassed to have had this news broken to her in front of a third party, I understood why the explosion didn't happen.  She was on good behavior because we were with someone else.  She has broken down many times in front of our MC, but this reaction would have been different.  I'm very glad I planned it this way, even if I didn't expect her to keep it under control.  At least this way, we made it through that first discussion without the kind of explosion that has caused me serious anxiety over the past many months/years.  And today, although she has been weepy and withdrawn while we have been around the kids, she has managed to keep that mostly under control as well.

oh sheeeesh.   I heard "still waiting for you to take some of the responsibility for not doing enough to save the relationship".     and that messed with my head for a long time.    took me a while to turn it around and say Hey Wait A Minute, that's a fallacy.   I did take responsibility I went to therapy.  I came to this website.   I read books.    I worked the skills the best I could.   I was, if anything over responsible.   I couldn't have been any more careful and still be a living breathing human being.   

'ducks, thank you so much for sharing this.  I really have put myself through Hell trying to avoid getting to this point.  And I know that if she doesn't believe that, it's not up to me to convince her.  While I do and will continue to struggle with the failure of the relationship, I have (so far) been able to avoid carrying the extra baggage of blame that she has tried to hand over to me.

Welcome. Your life is truly about to get much much better,

And thank you toomanydogs for the welcome to this new chapter.  I hope I can make the most out of it, though it's going to take some getting used to... .

Today was interesting.  S5 had his graduation from daycare today, which I figured could be a difficult situation.  My stbx asked her parents to come, and I really wasn't sure how it would go when I saw them.  There were hugs hello and hugs goodbye, and conversation during the event was not really strained.  I was more at ease than my stbx was, mainly because she's only just beginning to adjust to the idea of our marriage being over, so I get that.

But then towards the end, she said her bother and sister-in-law had invited us down to their house later in the afternoon to grill out for dinner.  She asked if I felt comfortable going, because the invitation was for all of us (and yes, they knew).  I told her I was OK if she was, and she explained that she just wasn't ready for any abrupt changes (i.e. me just not going to things like that).  I really wasn't sure what to expect, but I decided to go... .and again, it was fine.  They hugged me hello.  Sister-in-law even held on an extra second or two and made a point to quietly tell me she loves me.  I got a little sad because I still feel like I'll miss times like that with them, and they have been part of my life for 15 years now.  It's especially hard for me to think about less contact with my nephews.  I love them so much.

Dinner ended fairly well, though as we made our way home and while I was putting kids to bed, my stbx got more weepy and withdrew more.  Once the kids were down, she asked me my plan for bed and I told her I was fine with whatever she preferred.  She usually falls asleep on the couch watching TV while I go on up to bed, but tonight she said she wanted to sit in the bed and read, so if I wanted to sleep on the couch downstairs or in the playroom... .?  I didn't take any bait.  I frequently end up in the playroom in the middle of the night since she tends to snore, so I told her I would set up in there and goodnight.

We're supposed to make time to talk more specifically about long-term arrangements tomorrow, but I'm glad to have made it through this first day full day intact... .

mw

[mama-wolf]

Well, my hopes from the first full day got smashed pretty hard.  Sunday was pretty terrible.

I made a pretty long post about it on the Family Law board since I know I’ll need some help with the logistics and actions needed, but I figure there are some folks with very valuable insights and opinions on this board who might not monitor the other one as closely.  The post is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325626.0

mw

[mama-wolf]

It has been a week now, and I'm so tired.

There is obviously tension between us at the house, so not a lot of relaxation to be had.  And we have had some high-level discussions about what may happen.   Based on that, I have had a lot more interaction with my L about things that I want to include/adjust in the initial drafts  of the separation agreement and custody order that will be sent over to stbx's attorney.  The uncertainty around finances is really frustrating.  She is beyond indignant about my reluctance to pay alimony, and I am certain she wants way more of my retirement funds than I am willing to offer.  I have talked more about that on the Family Law board.

At the very least, she ended up being willing to postpone as long as last night to tell the kids.  On Sunday, because the emotions were still so raw, she was adamant that it would happen no later than Monday.  But she had a lot of work to do this past week, and ended up being willing to push it out until we could talk through at least the beginnings of some kind of plan.  When I suggested waiting until Friday night so that they would have the weekend with one or both of us for reassurance, she ultimately agreed.

I know my experience with my stbx is pretty different from the experience of most here.  She is high functioning, and has also been in DBT for several months, so she has been able to hold it together relatively well as far working through the co-parenting aspects.  She agreed that we would only tell them together, and she stuck to our talking points and didn't blame me  in front of them for initiating the separation.  For that, I'm very thankful.

Telling the kids last night was of course really hard.  I knew it wouldn't be fun, but I didn't think it would be quite as bad as it was.  I thought D9 would be less upset given the conflict in her relationship with stbx, but I should have realized that she would be the most emotional... that's her nature.  She made immediate and constant teary pleas/demands that we not get separated.  S5 picked up on and mirrored some of this, and he was also genuinely upset and crying, mostly just demanding "why?" a lot. 

At least they calmed down after the initial shock... .ate some dinner and watched some tv with us (normal Friday evening activities), and then went to bed relatively peacefully.  D9 even started calmly asking some logistical questions as I put her to bed.  She likes things in her bedroom to be just so, and initially didn't like the idea of moving any of the furniture.  And yet, I know the last couple of times we were in a furniture store, she saw some things in the kids' section that she really liked.  So when I mentioned she would have a chance to pick out some new furniture for her room (either to replace furniture moved out of our current house or to furnish a room at another house/apartment), plus opportunities to paint and decorate... .she was at least interested in that.

So, as far as the kids go... .it went much better than it could have.  And now we will spend the weekend still doing weekend things, offering as much reassurance as possible, and trying to navigate questions as they come up with age-appropriate answers.

Aside from telling the kids, the part that I have been struggling with most is that my stbx has definitely been making serious plays on my emotions.  She has brought up several fun memories from years ago, trying to engage my nostalgia.  I mostly just give it an "uh-huh, I remember that" and don't engage.   But the worst one was last night, when I came down from putting the kids to bed, and I sincerely thanked her for sticking to our agreement and talking points.  In response, she hesitantly and tearfully asked me if she could at some point have "one last kiss."  Ugh.  She immediately backed off when she saw me hesitate on how to answer, and later apologized for even asking the question.

The "good" news is that I see it happening, but the physical revulsion I feel as a result is pretty unpleasant.  I can't believe I have been subjected to (and controlled by) these manipulations for so many years!

Oh, and I have also been struggling with a very strong urge to start withdrawing from my T.  She shared the news a couple weeks ago that she is pregnant... .and then last week she shared that she's having twins.  I know she has one child already who has autism.  So, I'm pretty convinced she won't be coming back from maternity leave once she goes out around September/October, and that makes me want to start circling my emotional wagons and building some walls--even with her.  I am at least aware of my tendency to do this, but it doesn't make it any easier for me to resist it.

mw

[Harley Quinn]

MW,

It's a relief to hear that she stuck to the plan when telling the kids and didn't start to point fingers.  Sounds like you planned things out really well to ease things for them.  Well done.  Those conversations are never easy, and you've made it the best it could be.

Regards the therapist - are you planning to find another and transition across?

Find every opportunity you can to take some space for yourself and get some relaxation if not rest.  You might have to make a concerted effort to add something into your routine to allow for this.  You'll need all the strength you can find through this process.   

Love and light x

[mama-wolf]

Regards the therapist - are you planning to find another and transition across?

I know that I should, and I will discuss this with my T in our next session tomorrow.  I'm struggling with extreme reluctance to "start over" with someone new, no matter how much I know rationally that I will need that support. (I also struggle with needing the support)

It went relatively OK over the weekend, all things considered.  S5 seems to have bounced back pretty well and was generally happy, though he was occasionally acting out and being a little more defiant than his typical 5-year-old self.  D9 actually moved into demanding "why?" and wouldn't be satisfied when we tried to tell her that this was an adult decision, and we couldn't really get into why.  I continued to stress for her that we are still a family, but just changing, and that everyone is going to be OK.  She started focusing on a log of logistical questions (she's a planner, so I know it helps her to understand--as much as possible--what's going to happen, when, how, etc).  I did my best to answer what I dcould

A wall of emotions hit me last night that I wasn't really ready for, though.  The question of family vacations had come up from D9 on Saturday, and I had to tell her that I would not be going to the annual week at the beach with uBPDw's side of the family in July.  D9 was VERY sad and cried a lot about that (it was just us in the car at the time).  I handled my own emotions about it OK with her at the time, but when it came up again at the dinner table last night, I got really sad and had to excuse myself to go be alone (uBPDw was there).  What bothered me the most is that I won't get the chance to spend that time with my brother-in-law, his wife, and my nephews.  I love all of them, especially those boys, and now on top of everything else I'm losing them too.

I have gone on this vacation every year for the past 15 years, and have a particularly strong connection with my 13yo nephew.  It's just hard to let go of that while also dealing with everything else.

mw

[Harley Quinn]

This might sound a bit off the wall, but could you still be around one another once a year for a vacation for the sake of the kids?  I don't know how long it is or the logistics and maybe it would be intolerable for either one or both of you, but if it's something that has significant meaning for the children perhaps it in time could be an annual event that you two are able to manage.  

At this point, I'd tend to keep an open mind to how things may be regards co parenting further down the line.  I've known ex spouses become friends and co parent really well as a team after all the grieving and healing is done.  It's a different type of r/s.  Who knows?  Are you going to put together a parenting plan?

Love and light x

[mama-wolf]

could you still be around one another once a year for a vacation for the sake of the kids?

I would really like to think that we could do this eventually.  I would be OK with chipping in an appropriate portion for the beach house rental, and of course contribute to groceries.  It really depends on how she and the rest of the family feel about it.  Just not this year... .I know it's way too soon.  And looking ahead to future years, it's really a question about how contentious things get and how much she vilifies me to her side of the family.

Are you going to put together a parenting plan?

I don't know about a "parenting plan" per se, but so far the question about co-parenting is the lowest source of conflict aside fro the fact that I'm opposed to alternating weeks... .that's too long to go without seeing my kids.  It's mostly about finances right now. 

My L just texted me and asked if I'm available for mediation next Wednesday.  That just seems really quick.  My stbx and her L just got our drafts this past Monday.  I haven't heard anything about a response/counter to what was in the documents.  I texted my L back and said that seemed like a pretty quick escalation from drafts to immediate mediation, and asked her about their response... .she just said I should call later this afternoon to discuss.

mw

[Harley Quinn]

Yes, I'd imagine finances are more often than not the sticking point in these processes.  I hope that you're able to resolve things relatively painlessly in that department and don't envy you for having to go through that.  How do you feel about mediation potentially being next week?  As things begin to move it's likely you'll have some moments of 'this is feeling very real all of a sudden' even though it is you that is instigating.  The emotions are still going to hit you.  How are you going to help yourself through that? 

I left my BPDex and whilst it was unquestionably necessary, I think for myself it hurt more than it would have if he'd been the one to end it (at which I could have at least been mad to have been taken for a ride).  I was devastated to be giving up (which is something I'd always been driven not to do) and felt the burden of guilt for being another to abandon him, even though he'd made it impossible to stay.  Keep your support network close.

I'm opposed to alternating weeks... .that's too long to go without seeing my kids.

Are you looking at 50/50 shared care?  My son's father and I have him a whole week each out of a fortnight by splitting the week 3/4 then 4/3 on a rolling basis.  It seems to work well, although I do miss him like crazy when he's away for 4 days but I then get 4 days with him right after that.

Love and light x

[mama-wolf]

How do you feel about mediation potentially being next week?  As things begin to move it's likely you'll have some moments of 'this is feeling very real all of a sudden' even though it is you that is instigating.  The emotions are still going to hit you.  How are you going to help yourself through that? 

That's a really good question.  The possibility of escalating to mediation so quickly is really confusing for me (I posted more about this on the Family Law board).  But ultimately, once it happens you have a very good point that I need to be ready for the emotional impact.  I don't do well with that given my detached/avoidant nature.  Emotions have popped up and laid me flat a couple times already lately, and I really hate it.

I do have a great support network, and will try to be proactive and keep them in the loop on what's going on so they can help me through it.  I really don't like needing the help, but I know that I do.  And the good news is that either way, I have another therapy appointment scheduled for next Friday.  I did talk with my T about my fears that she won't be coming back from maternity leave after she has the twins in October.  I'm still worried in spite of her assurances that her family needs the income and she needs the professional fulfillment, but I'm trying to at least continue focusing on the work we can do now to get me through the transition to being officially separated.  I'll deal with the rest later.

Are you looking at 50/50 shared care?  My son's father and I have him a whole week each out of a fortnight by splitting the week 3/4 then 4/3 on a rolling basis. 

Yes, we're pretty much agreed on 50/50 but haven't figured out what schedule to go with.  I'm partial to the one my attorney suggested (2-2-5-5) since it allows the kids some stability in knowing they would be with one of us on Monday and Tuesday night, and the other one on Wednesday and Thursday, and alternating long weekends together.  To me, it's a good balance between predictability, enabling weekend getaways, and frequent contact with the kids (particularly given S5's age).

My stbx initially said she hates the schedule.  She will probably continue to hate it since I like it, but who knows.  She can sometimes see reason once she has gotten past her initial explosive emotional response.

This transition time is pretty awful (and my T said it would be).  She asked me how long I intend to draw it out--again, my fault of course--and I told her I just need to understand what the landscape even looks like.  I really don't want this to take any longer than it has to (would really like to stop sleeping on the couch in the playroom), but at the same time I'm not letting her control everything and I think that's what p*sses her off the most.

mw

[pearlsw]

Hi mama-wolf,

Just wanted to pop by, now that I'm back, and send you warm greetings!

Breakups are just so painful, no matter how much you need to happen. It really means a lot to be able to present for this alongside you here... .It helps me to visualize and imagine what may very well be coming for me this year.

Yesterday it seemed about to happen, a break up... .but there is still some chance adjustments and him being less controlling could be just enough for me to stay. The weight of all he's done is just getting to be too much, and I'd like my life crisis to end... .

Looking back, does it feel like some of your fears were unfounded? Or did you gauge how this would all be about right? I ask because I do not look forward to the kinds of reactions a break up with a partner with BPD traits could bring out.

take care, pearl.

[mama-wolf]

Welcome back pearl!  I really hope you had a great trip.  If you have posted about it, I haven't caught up yet, but I will!

Looking back, does it feel like some of your fears were unfounded? Or did you gauge how this would all be about right? I ask because I do not look forward to the kinds of reactions a break up with a partner with BPD traits could bring out.

I would like to think I had the logistics and the timing set up about right.  I did my homework and I made my preparations, and I really do think it has paid off.  I was a horrendous time, full of anxiety for me (still is since we're trying to work through transitioning to being actually separated), but I don't think I would be in as strong of a position now if I had done it differently.

I know if I hadn't told her about needing to separate in session with the MC that the reaction would have been more explosive.  No thank you.

I also know that if I had not yet consulted an attorney and extensively prepared with the help of my therapist, she would have exerted way more pressure on me to go the route she wanted (more beneficial to her) with the divorce.  No way.

What I wasn't quite prepared for was the extent of the emotional manipulations she has used.  I'm not sure exactly if it has been to try to make me feel worse about my decision because she's so hurt an angry, or maybe she has been trying to change my mind... .or both.  Either way, I'm so much more aware of those manipulation attempts now that I see it happening and I am able to resist or ignore them.  She really doesn't like that, but too bad.

I'm really glad sharing my experience has offered some help to you.  I am sure you have the strength to get through this on your end as well.

mw

[Jackie59]

I’ve been following your posts. I want so badly to get to the place that you are in. I just want peace and happiness. I hope everything is going ok for you.

[mama-wolf]

Well, it was a bit of a roller-coaster weekend.  Mostly good, but with some frustrations that I of course keep ruminating on.

I took the afternoon off on Friday because S5's daycare closed early.  He and I had a great afternoon together, going to the pool and taking care of a couple errands.  Then I got a text late that afternoon from my stbx that she "needs a break" and had decided to stay at her parents' house that night because of our interaction on Thursday evening.  Thursday evening was rough because it basically started with a disagreement over her refusing to respond to the initial drafts from my attorney, therefore forcing us to have to go to mediation (described in more detail in my post on the Family Law board).  Then it devolved into her inserting herself into nearly every interaction I had D9 while putting her to bed because she was convinced I was undermining her and sabotaging their relationship.

So, her staying someplace else on Friday evening was ultimately a blessing, but very frustrating that she (still) just takes leaving the kids with me for granted.  Either way, D9 was away at a friend's slumber party and S5 and I enjoyed pizza and movie night together.  Plus, I got to sleep in my own bed for the first night in weeks.  On Saturday, S5 and I had a great morning together, we went to pick up D9 from her sleepover, and then we met my stbx at a movie at noon (it was a free event put on by the kids' dentist, who was celebrating the anniversary of his practice).  Had a couple of tense interactions with her at the theater, and then took the kids home. 

At that point on Saturday afternoon, I decided I needed a break.  I knew my stbx planned to be doing housework for the afternoon, so I got S5 set up to play next door for a bit, got D9 settled in to have some quiet time on the couch (she was up until 2:30am at the sleepover) and told stbx I was going to go out for a few hours.  I left, met up with some friends that I haven't seen since December, and enjoyed catching up over a couple of beers.  When I came home, I ate a bite of dinner, helped put the kids to bed, and then retreated to the peace of "my room" (the playroom).

Sunday, I got up and out and did two solid hours of work in the yard on a project I have been wanting to get to for at least a year, and S5 spent most of that time helping me while D9 slept in.  My stbx took the kids to her parents' house for the afternoon to celebrate Father's Day, and that was another good break for me.  I was even able to handle the sadness of not participating in the get-together like I have for years.  Once home that evening, she did confirm that her bother and sister-in-law told our nephews about the separation on Friday.  She seemed genuine in trying to reassure me that the boys are OK about it, and that it was presented to them in a similar fashion to how we told the kids (it's a grown-up thing, etc).  So that's at least partially encouraging that I will be able to continue having a relationship with them.

And here's where I need a sanity check... .

As we discussed what I did for the afternoon, I shared that I met up with my sister and her husband to go see the house they're buying.  She got a little choked up and said she hopes that at some point my sister will be open to talking to her.  I told her of course, and that I figure if anyone is likely to feel reluctant about that it would be her side of the family towards me.  She asked me why, and I said I figure the situation as it's being presented to them is from a very different perspective.  Her response:  "My family is aware of how you process things--or don't process them.  And they know how long I have been asked to wait."

I walked away from the conversation at that point because there really was no point in responding.  But still, the only thing my brain can come up with is:  What the heck?  It feels like it comes out of nowhere, the digs about what I have done wrong, or how I'm damaged, and how that's to blame for the relationship ending.  And the part about her having to wait... .once again it's confirmation that she has resented every minute of time that I asked for in order to heal from the severe emotional burnout that she caused me.  I made reference a few days ago to the anxiety I have dealt with, and she just snorted and said with contempt "your anxiety?"... .also making it clear that the only thing that matters is what she feels.

I get it.  It's the smear campaign, painting herself as the victim, etc.  I just... .it really gets under my skin that other people I care about deeply will probably never know the whole story--or even half of it.

And to top it all off, she made yet another dig at my mom yesterday.  I mistakenly tried to start another conversation by asking about a friend of hers with a condition close to Celiac because my sister may have Celiac.  She very artfully turned the conversation towards stress impacting our immune reactions (in addition to a disease like Celiac) and how she remembers that my sister did "so much better" a few years ago "when she lived in [x city a couple hours from us] and was away from your mother."  Again, no response from me--I had to just walk away from the conversation again.

Overall, my takeaway from the weekend is that I just really can't be around her anymore.  Maybe someday, but this is just really highlighting why my T is still concerned for the strain I am under as we go through this transition.  I just really need this to be over.


(And Jackie59, thanks for posting a note!  Welcome to the board, and I really hope you find the peace and happiness you're looking for.)

mw

[mama-wolf]

I don't quite know where to post this one... .whether it should be in this thread, it's own new thread, part of my thread in Family Law due to the connection to pending mediation in two days, or what... .

I royally set her off this evening, and it has left me a little shaken.  The amount of venom directed at me is like nothing I have experienced except for her yelling in my face at the state fair back in October in front of our children.  And that was a more brief encounter... .this spanned over the course of at least 20 minutes.

She asked me tonight (third or fourth evening in the past week or so) whether I felt like watching a show on TV with her once the kids were in bed.

I had finally decided after the first invitation or two that this would be a bad idea in general.  So, I declined again tonight as politely as I could.  She started to say something about how she "got the hint" and had told herself she wasn't going to ask me again.

I should have left it there.  Why didn't I leave it there?  Instead, I told her I wasn't trying to give any "hints," and that I hope at some point we can get to the point where we hang out and can watch tv together.  But I told her I felt that in light of her recent comments about how her family is aware of how I "process things--or don't," and references to my mom,  that right now just doesn't seem like the time to try those things.

She responded with some off-the-wall comment about how I haven't been upfront with her since October so why should she expect anything else now.  She left the room and followed S5 upstairs to start his bathtime, and made some other parting shot while on her way upstairs, but I couldn't really hear it and I decided to ignore it.  I thought that would be the end of it for the evening.

Oh but no.  I went out onto the back porch with my glass of wine and tried to enjoy the early summer evening and throw the ball for our dog.  She came onto the porch only a minute later with such pent up energy that I knew to brace myself.  She stood over me while I sat in the chair, speaking so angrily about all the wrongs I have done, and telling me I better be ready to settle in our mediation on Wednesday because she "knows" I want her the "f" out and she wants to be out, too.

She was speaking with such aggression towards me.  I asked her to walk away and please leave me alone.  She ended up coming closer and started to kneel next to the chair I was sitting in, getting ready to make a stronger point within my personal space.  I immediately stood up, moved across the porch and told her to back away from me.  She turned that into an attack on me, saying I'm playing the victim, etc. and talking about how she has never hit me.  Like that matters?   I told her I am not going to stay put while she speaks with such aggressive body language.

It's really hard to keep the details straight, even less than an hour after the encounter.  She stormed back in the house, and I went out into the yard throwing the ball for the dog, trying to center myself.  She came back out on the porch and was yelling down at me across the yard about several things.  Angry comments about how our MC ("that b*tch" as she referred to her) had ex parte communications with me against her code of ethics (which is wrong, and by the way therapists do not have the same rules as attorneys).  Accused me of lying to her for years, said I was never emotionally available, and that I never really participated in the marriage counseling, and only went to Disney with her out of obligation.  She dropped f-bombs and and then she ultimately called me a b*tch, which may be the most painful part of it all.  In all our years together, I have always known she considered the "b-word" to be absolutely unacceptable to use.  But here she is, using it on me.

This is probably one of the worst encounters with my uBPDw, my stbx.

She made some comment during it all specifically stating that her "lack of respect for [my] mother" has nothing to do with the counter-proposal that my attorney will receive in the morning.  It really makes me concerned about what in the world she might have included in the agreements that's related to my mom (and she can "stick them where the sun don't shine" as folks tend to say around here).  I already have a suspicion that she is going to try to micro-manage my parenting through the agreement, so I'm trying to prepare myself.

And I thought before that I needed it to be over?  I don't even have the words right now for what I'm feeling.

mw

[Harley Quinn]

Hi mw,

How are you doing?  How did yesterday go?  Wondering how you've landed emotionally.   

Love and light x

[mama-wolf]

HQ you’re very kind to check in—thank you... .

After 10 hours in mediation, it’s finally done. And in all honesty, I’m still numb.  I feel like I can’t access anything emotionally right now.  I should feel relieved at the very least... .maybe even happy and/or hopeful about things now that I can sleep in my own bed again and can get some control over my schedule, make plans to do things that I have been wanting to do.  Or even sad about the reality of being formally separated now, and truly being alone.  But I’m numb.

It was grueling, the back-and-forth... .and I know it was especially hard on her.  The mediator was so done with her by the end of it all... .negotiations almost broke down in that last hour.  And I could tell she had to have been a mess by then.

It’s 4am for me right now.  I woke up an hour ago, and haven’t managed to get back to sleep yet.  I have a headache... .it feels like the same one that started around 6pm yesterday, but could also be in part due to the second round of bourbon I had after getting home last night.

At least I have a therapy appointment tomorrow afternoon.

mw

[Harley Quinn]

Ugh, ten hours!  I'd have been delirious by the end.  Well done for getting through that and only reaching for 2 bourbons.  That in itself is an achievement.  So what happens now regards proceedings?  Maybe tell us when you've had a bit more sleep.   

Love and light x 

[mama-wolf]

Well done for getting through that and only reaching for 2 bourbons.  That in itself is an achievement. 

Well... .they were admittedly rather large pours... .so probably closer to 3-4 bourbons in total.  Not the best plan, but oh well.  Now that things are settled for the most part, I can do better about not self-medicating with alcohol.

So what happens now regards proceedings?

As it stands now, we have a binding separation agreement in place that settles the finances, and a custody order that will get filed with the court setting up our schedule.   It sets our date of separation as yesterday, meaning the clock now starts for the year +1 day required in my state to file for actual divorce.  And now she's out of the house, and I can sleep in my own bed She will stay here once or twice in the next few weeks on nights that she has the kids since I have a couple of business trips coming up... .that will be easier on the kids, and as long as we're not staying in the same place on the same night, the separation still stands.

She got more money out of me than I had hoped, but it's not nearly as bad as it could have been.  And I got a lot of intangible "wins" as far as schedule, setting us up to use a parent coordinator as tie-breaker for when we get gridlocked on things (because you know we will), and getting rid of a few other things she tried to insist on with the kids.  She did get $300/month in child support from me based on her currently low income, but she will build that income over the next year or two and then I'll file with the court to have it re-evaluated.

So overall, it's not a bad deal.  I can make the money work... .I keep the house... .the kids have as much stability as I could get for them.  Now I just have to figure out how I feel and process that.

mw

[Harley Quinn]

It must be a relief to get all of that arranged and in place now, even if things didn't go as well as they could have.  As you said, they could always be worse.  It sounds like you've done well by the children and can now begin the process of recovering. 

Once those feelings begin to come up, if you find you need to put them somewhere, it's better to bring them here than to push them down, so post as much as you need to.  Also, a great starting place and something I regularly checked into is the Lessons to the right. 

Lesson 1: Healing, the big picture 

Where are you going?  This is the road map.  Please refer back to it often.  It's important to see healing as a process and to constantly be marking your progress.  You need to know where you are going and the pathway there if you are ever going to reach healing.  Without this, many just get stuck in a stage without realizing that it is a stage.

It's helpful to acknowledge where we are in the process as it allows us to see (and celebrate) our progress and be accepting of what we're experiencing as being normal and expected.  Take your time.  It will all unfold naturally and we're here for you along the way.   

Love and light x

[WindofChange]

Hi Mama-wolf,
I've been reading through your thread and want to tell you I really feel for you, with all the stress of the saga of your separation and impending divorce. I guess it helps somewhat to have the separation agreement in place, and as you said, she's out of the house and you can sleep in your own bed again, so hopefully that will help you start to get a bit more rest. I'm sure it must be so painful to go through this with children involved. Sounds like you are doing a great job of keeping things as normal as possible for them. You should feel good about that.
I don't have children with my ex, but I know how sad I'm feeling, only a couple of months after moving out of our place. The sadness and exhaustion are overwhelming at times, as I'm sure they are for you. I get the bourbon self-medication (my go-to is wine or beer, and it had gotten to be a frequent habit over the past year, but I'm doing that much less as time goes on). I hope you'll continue to share how things are going. I'm new here, but people have a wealth of compassion and encouragement to offer, as I'm sure you've already seen. Sounds like you're doing as well as you possibly can, given the circumstances. Hang in there!