I am exhausted and I feel like I never get a break.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am so tired. I am tired of everything I do and say being a huge issue, I’m tired of everything I say being wrong or not something she wants to hear. I’m frustrated that I can’t feel or have my own emotions and when I bring up feeling like that she turns it on me and says I don’t care and I’m selfish. I am exhausted and I feel like I never get a break. I have to constantly be aware and alert because if I say anything remotely wrong she will want to argue. I’m tired of not being able to defend myself and be upset in an argument because I have to remain calm so it doesn’t get out of hand. I’m tired of not being able to express my own feelings and pain. And I feel like this all makes me awful because she is going through so much accepting this and everything. But I feel like I have no one to talk to or reach out to and it’s lonely and scary. And I feel so isolated from everyone because they just don’t get it. Everything is so hard right now and I feel hopeless.

[Conflictedlover]

I am so tired. I am tired of everything I do and say being a huge issue, I’m tired of everything I say being wrong or not something she wants to hear. I’m frustrated that I can’t feel or have my own emotions and when I bring up feeling like that she turns it on me and says I don’t care and I’m selfish. I am exhausted and I feel like I never get a break. I have to constantly be aware and alert because if I say anything remotely wrong she will want to argue. I’m tired of not being able to defend myself and be upset in an argument because I have to remain calm so it doesn’t get out of hand. I’m tired of not being able to express my own feelings and pain. And I feel like this all makes me awful because she is going through so much accepting this and everything. But I feel like I have no one to talk to or reach out to and it’s lonely and scary. And I feel so isolated from everyone because they just don’t get it. Everything is so hard right now and I feel hopeless.

[Red5]

I am so tired. I am tired of everything I do and say being a huge issue,

I’m tired of everything I say being wrong or not something she wants to hear.

I’m frustrated that I can’t feel or have my own emotions and when I bring up feeling like that she turns it on me and says I don’t care and I’m selfish.

I am exhausted and I feel like I never get a break.

I have to constantly be aware and alert because if I say anything remotely wrong she will want to argue.

I’m tired of not being able to defend myself and be upset in an argument because I have to remain calm so it doesn’t get out of hand.

I’m tired of not being able to express my own feelings and pain.

And I feel like this all makes me awful because she is going through so much accepting this and everything.

But I feel like I have no one to talk to or reach out to and it’s lonely and scary.

And I feel so isolated from everyone because they just don’t get it. Everything is so hard right now and I feel hopeless.

Good afternoon Conflictedlover,

Wow!, .you sound just like me!

Well, maybe not as bad as it used to be, since I came upon this explanation of sorts as the cause of my relationship problems being caused by undiagnosed (u/dx) BPD (u/BPD).

It still goes on even today, in fact yesterday was “one of those daze”… but since I have begun to learn more and more about BPD, and have started getting my mind in the right place so to speak, I’ve been able to stave off some of the most severe feeling/reactions I was having to my u/BPD wife’s constant behaviors towards me.

Everything you describe above I am complete concurrence with.

*I too have to watch/self-edit everything I say to her, or else it may/will trigger an “episode”.

*I too cannot “share” very much with her, or else anything that is going on with me, ie’ how my work day went, my family, or any issues at all… or else an opinion on any subject (pick one), she just “doesn’t want to hear it”… she is ”not interested”… ONLY what is going on with her is allowed conversation most all of the time… and that’s NOT a relationship.

*I have to always be on guard around her, and I have become quite adept at predicting/forecasting even her moods, ever changing… it is exhausting.

*I have come to value my time away from her, things are that bad… It’s like I have to wear some kind of “armor” when I am around her, I have to keep an eye, an ear, pointed towards her at all times so that I don’t have to deal with her “behaviors”… sometimes I can avert, or redirect, or even “steer” her… but sometimes I miss it, miss the “que”… and then it’s “here we go again”.

*Boundaries have helped me quite a lot, as in I do NOT tolerate her abusive conversations towards me any longer, I tell her in fact, that I am not “going there with you (her) on that, or this”… and of course she then derides me, dresses me down”, blah blah blah… and to be expected now… but I have become quite adept, as I said before, at NOT letting it get to me, I will just ignore it, or else cross my arms and let her rage on, as if she were a petulant teenager, or even a small child throwing a tantrum.

*I have gotten pretty good at NOT JADE’ing “justify – defend – argue- explain” anymore, in fact the way I deal with her when she is in dysregulation mode”… is to deal with her as if she were a misbehaving teenager, I just listen… “”uh huh… yes, ok dear… sure, ok… yes, whatever… will there be anything else?””… Sometimes I just leave…

*I only have a very few, really just one person I can talk to about any of this, other than here… and that’s my co-worker… no family, or anyone else… so I understand the sadness of this, of which you speak.

It’s pretty tough being in this relationship, I like you, cannot be myself, in fact I am a completely different person when I am with her, vice what I perceive myself to be like when it’s just me…

And apology’s () for “bad behavior”… forget it!… not happening.

She will “shift” from total “crank” back to “I love you”, you’re such a good husband”… and then right back to… “you’re such a jerk, your such as A$$… in a split second…

This used to drive me nuts, but not so much anymore, have I really gone that numb to this?, .I am afraid I have started taking on the view of “radical acceptance”… as in, I have accepted my “lot”, my billet in life, .and that's all there is to it (?)… it’s not going to ever change, it may even get worse as she ages... .I guess I have just figured out how to “live in it” now… and I have taken on the full role as her “caretaker”… and to quote the "late" evening news anchor Man... .Walter Cronkite, ."And that's the way it is"... .

Such is life,

Hang in there Conflictedlover,

Best regards, Red5

[Mutt]

Hi Conflictedlover,

I’m soory to hear that. I can understand how overwhelming a pwBPD canne - you never catch a break. How’s your appetite and sleep? Are you eating enough and getting enough rest? Do you workout?

[Conflictedlover]

Hi Conflictedlover,

I’m soory to hear that. I can understand how overwhelming a pwBPD canne - you never catch a break. How’s your appetite and sleep? Are you eating enough and getting enough rest? Do you workout?

My appetite is not as big as it used to be I’m definitely eating less but I don’t feel as hungry either. And sleeping the past few days has not been so good. Im either not sleeping enough or I’m sleeping way to much. And I’m actually getting over a concussion at the moment but I hope to be able to do physical activity here soon.

[Mutt]

I hope that you get well soon. Have you talked to a GP or MD about have difficulty with sleep? The psychical activity when you get better from concussion should help with appetite.

[Conflictedlover]

I hope that you get well soon. Have you talked to a GP or MD about have difficulty with sleep? The psychical activity when you get better from concussion should help with appetite.

No I haven’t talked to anyone about my sleep. I have depression and anxiety so I assumed it was connected to that.

[Mutt]

I have both anxiety, depression, panic disorder and GAD. When I started getting treated for anxiety and depression I was going through a very distressing period I’d ruminate when I tried to go to bed it would keep me up and I wouldn’t get sound sleep. My MD prescribed sleeping pills for a few weeks until i started to feel better from anxiety / lack of sleep. I’d suggest to bring it up.

[Conflictedlover]

I have both anxiety, depression, panic disorder and GAD. When I started getting treated for anxiety and depression I was going through a very distressing period I’d ruminate when I tried to go to bed it would keep me up and I wouldn’t get sound sleep. My MD prescribed sleeping pills for a few weeks until i started to feel better from anxiety / lack of sleep. I’d suggest to bring it up.

Huh, okay yeah I will definitely mention it. Thank you so much.

[Enabler]

I have depression and anxiety so I assumed it was connected to that.

I had chronic anxiety middle of last year because my emotions were all over the place owing to the uncertainty and chaos created by my W's behaviour and her threatening me with divorce. It was to the point where my posterior would vibrate due to cortisone coursing through my body priming me for 'flight'. I was also sleeping for just 3-4 hours a night, sometimes not at all. One of the greatest remedies for my anxiety was education about BPD, self reflection and unravelling the ball of string that was my relationship and it's history.

My wife petitioned for divorce, my worst fear was realised yet I have inner peace. I am no longer riding with her on her emotional rollercoaster, I own my own emotions and I am not tied to hers. Does this mean I am now numb to her actions, no, of course not, but I am able to see them for what they are. I am also able to realise, it's not all my fault, I'm not the things she says I am and often she is trying to make me feel as bad as she feels, or stimulate a reaction from me to validate her feelings about me... .I don't need to play those games... .and the best bit is, I still have a huge amount of genuine love for my wife and am still quietly fighting for our marriage.

Shall we help you get to that point? Would you like that?

[Conflictedlover]

I had chronic anxiety middle of last year because my emotions were all over the place owing to the uncertainty and chaos created by my W's behaviour and her threatening me with divorce. It was to the point where my posterior would vibrate due to cortisone coursing through my body priming me for 'flight'. I was also sleeping for just 3-4 hours a night, sometimes not at all. One of the greatest remedies for my anxiety was education about BPD, self reflection and unravelling the ball of string that was my relationship and it's history.

My wife petitioned for divorce, my worst fear was realised yet I have inner peace. I am no longer riding with her on her emotional rollercoaster, I own my own emotions and I am not tied to hers. Does this mean I am now numb to her actions, no, of course not, but I am able to see them for what they are. I am also able to realise, it's not all my fault, I'm not the things she says I am and often she is trying to make me feel as bad as she feels, or stimulate a reaction from me to validate her feelings about me... .I don't need to play those games... .and the best bit is, I still have a huge amount of genuine love for my wife and am still quietly fighting for our marriage.

Shall we help you get to that point? Would you like that?

I would like to get to that point, yes. However I don’t even see a way to get there at this point.

[Red5]

I would like to get to that point, yes. However I don’t even see a way to get there at this point.

Yes Conflictedlover, it is very difficult to get to "that point".

Others here have called this "Radical Acceptance".

I recall another post, another thread here where it was said something to the effect... ."once you come to the point where you are no longer afraid of the relationship ending, (codependency)... .then you are invincible, untouchable in your repose."

What does this mean, we are in the midst of this BPD relationship, .it is tumultuous, angry, thrashing, heart breaking, .mentally and physically draining.

We are "lost" in the relationship.

We are everyday being destroyed little by little, .not fun eh'... .no its not.

So why do we stay?

So we choose to stay in this type of relationship for maybe two reasons (basically), we are afraid to leave because we say we love this person, or we stay because we think we owe this person something, ie' a promise (marriage vows)... .also in one of the two reason lie responsibilities, ie' children, property, financial obligations... .a "catch-22".

This is called "FOG"... .fear - obligation - guilt,

You are still a young man, you are not married to your gf yet (yes?)... .so you still have some degree of controls over your future, either with her, or without her.

More tough choices I know.

Self worth, you have to have this, .also self dependency (independence), .the ability to "go it on your own"... .and successfully if you have to, .this is huge in surviving in a BPD relationship... .do not allow yourself to be trapped, with no way out.

You are telling us that you love this girl, so that means you care very much about her in spite of what she is doing to you, this is good, this is empathetic, you love, you care... .as should we all present in our relationships.

But when the other party, the significant other becomes abusive, for whatever reason, here we know this is BPD, .I have to say that this does not in any way negate the behaviors as acceptable.

BPD'ers... .pw/BPD; cannot process their feelings properly, often they lash out, at the closet person to them, they are in constant inner turmoil, this in most cases can be attributed to trauma, furthermore, in most cases, the trauma was childhood related, .in a way ptsd, or cptsd... .they were emotional, mentally damaged as a child, they are developmentally arrested, something is missing in there, they cannot carry on a "healthy relationship" due to what may have happened to them when they were a child/teenager... .or even an adult (ptsd/cptsd).

So back to the ability of this inner peace that Enabler speaks off, and offers to you (and me)... .

You have to "rise above"... .you can no longer "take this personaly"... .you see, its not you, .its the BPD that is causing all of this (behaviors)... .not an easy thing to comprehend when you are "on the receiving end"... .no not at all.

So, what Enabler and I are talking about, I think anyway... .is to be able to release yourself from all of this, .and let it all go, .tough to do, oh' yes it is... .to actually "turn the other check" so to speak... .

So whatever comes... ."what may", .you have to convince yourself that you will survive, either with her, or without her.

You have to have "inner strength" in order to have inner peace, .this is my own opinion, .others may disagree.

Another term we have come to know well in the relationship dynamic with a pw/BPD, .is the term of "caregiver", .or better yet; "caretaker".

We "take care" of these people whom we are "yoked" to... .married to, in a relationship with, yes they beat us, yell at us, tell us this, that, and the other... .that we are the cause of ALL of their problems... .well, you got to just ignore it, because its not really true is it (?)... .once you "radically accept" what this is, for what it is... .then you will have this "inner peace".

Its not you... .

Not easy, and not for the faint at heart, but it can be done... .

What do they say, prepare for the worst, and then if it comes; your ready for it, mentally, and physically, and if it does not come, then you are in a strong place and you have this inner peace, ie' mental and emotional security; self worth, .you have the peace of mind that you are stalwart in your repose.

Ashley Burges nails it here... .https://www.you.tube.com/watch?v=-CUwfWxq2-w

Hope all this blather helps.

Red5

[Enabler]

Thanks Red5, awesome post as per usual, you got me dang well.

For me, radical acceptance is accepting that there is a problem, accepting what the likely problem is (BPD traits), accepting that there is no garantee that your significant other is ever going to improve, and accepting the best/worst future that entails.

Imagine you and your wife are sitting in a Dr surgery, the consultant says “I’m sorry to tell you that your W has the early stages of Alzheimer’s, she will deteriorate, at some point in the future she may not remember who you are, we are always looking for a cure and we might find one in the future”. In the coming minutes/hours/weeks/months you will have to accept a situation and a set of likely outcomes, with a chance that actually, it might be okay if they find something. Now... .BPD isn’t  Alzheimer’s and the situation is different but what I’m trying badly to say is you have to accept where you are now, what is in your control and that she may never be rid of BPD.

So, for now, this is less about her, and more about you, because you can control you, you definitely can’t control her. A popular phrase here is “take yourself to 30,000 ft”, see your relationship for what it is, not what you hoped it was, not what you wished it could be, but what it is. There’s good bits I’m sure, there’s normal bits and there’s some really really terrible bits. What we can try to help you do is help make the terrible bits not so terrible (for you)  and shorter (because you will pour less fuel on her emotional fire to keep her alight), so you can maximise the normal and good. Much of the emotional agony we as nons feel is due to us taking onboard the hurtful things they say about us, they cut deep to our inner securities often to get a reaction, what we need is an emotional shield to protect ourselves from this hurt, again, so we can enjoy the normal and good times. That emotional shield I’d say is knowledge about BPD, self analysis and mindfulness. “This is nothing to do with me” is such a protective thing to say to yourself when you’re being treated badly. It takes a lot of hard work to be in a relationship with someone who suffers with BPD, it’s not for everyone and sometimes love isn’t enough especially if you have expectations to receive a certain type of love back.

Have you had a chance to read about validation? You’d be surprised how invalidating we are, I know I am. Have a read on the tools on the right hand side.

[Conflictedlover]

Red5 I loved your post. It really opened my eyes. Just one thing I am a girl also haha. But I really liked the things you had to say. And it definitely has me thinking. I believe that accepting what the present and the future will look like is very difficult for me and not knowing what is going to happen is a little terrifying. I don’t want the abusive behavior to escalate or even really stay the same but I don’t know how to make that boundary without causing something to happen should I make that boundary to begin with? And I will read the validating stuff, I’m sure I am invalidating as well even if I don’t think I’m being that way.

[Red5]

Red5 I loved your post. It really opened my eyes. Just one thing I am a girl also haha. But I really liked the things you had to say. And it definitely has me thinking. I believe that accepting what the present and the future will look like is very difficult for me and not knowing what is going to happen is a little terrifying. I don’t want the abusive behavior to escalate or even really stay the same but I don’t know how to make that boundary without causing something to happen should I make that boundary to begin with? And I will read the validating stuff, I’m sure I am invalidating as well even if I don’t think I’m being that way.

"Just one thing I am a girl also haha."

HA HA HA... .oops, sorry Conflictedlover !

Hope you are having a great day today... .the sun is shining here, and the weather is very nice !

Have a great weekend !

Red5

[Enabler]

Proof that BPD knows no gender or sexual orientation boundary!

My hand is up, I thought you were a fella as well.

It’s a comparable experience for us all.

Rose o’clock in sunny UK!

[Conflictedlover]

Proof that BPD knows no gender or sexual orientation boundary!

My hand is up, I thought you were a fella as well.

It’s a comparable experience for us all.

Rose o’clock in sunny UK!

It’s no problem , was just letting you guys know. I really appreciate all of your help and advice

[Cat Familiar]

I'm a bit late to the discussion, but I wanted to address some issues that are related to concussion.

I had a concussion a year ago January and exhaustion and sleep issues were directly related to it. My advice is not to push yourself too much. Doctors and a physical therapist advised me that brain injuries take a lot of energy to heal. So give yourself plenty of time to rest and sleep. And make sure you are drinking enough water and eating regularly. Don't worry if your appetite is not what it used to be, just make sure you are eating at least three times a day.

It was really frustrating for me after my concussion symptoms had resolved: double vision cleared, I was no longer sleeping 14 hours, bright lights and loud noises no longer bothered me--yet I was still exhausted. I was told repeatedly that it would just take time--and it did, and now I'm back to normal.

Yes, having a SO with BPD is also exhausting. But learning strategies to deal with their behavior and strengthening one's own boundaries allows us to minimize the impact.

One of the best strategies I've found is to "take the temperature" of my husband's emotional state. Previously I felt "responsible" for re-directing him into a more positive, happy place. Of course, that seldom worked, but did I give up that strategy in spite of its uselessness? No. I kept on.

Now I notice when he's starting to come unglued (dysregulated is the term we use here) and then I modify my behavior and responses and if that doesn't calm things down because I'm "not playing his game" (not that it's a game--it's real to him), then I create an opportunity to exit. (There's always an animal here who needs medication, the laundry needs to be removed from the dryer, I've left the water on in the garden---something.)

This may be more difficult for you because you two will soon be renting an apartment together, so you may not easily have the excuses I do, but that's something you might plan on working out, because with pwBPD, you can be sure there will be times you'll need to smoothly exit the situation in order to not add fuel to the fire as well as to protect your own emotional state (and sometimes your physical state too.)

[bloodbought]

This post describes me so well only I have been accepting of it for a long time now and it is only getting worse.  I feel so trapped and all of my time is consumed.  I would have written this very same post but I am just too tired to do it.  Love reading all the responses. 

[Cromwell]

its not easy to feel one is "turning their back" on a person that is vulnerable, blame a lot of the hurt on a manifestation of their personality disorder, yet as enabler says, this is something that is here to stay, occured way before you met them, and there isnt an iota that you can do about it beyond keeping yourself in the maolstrom and firing line if you choose to put up with it.

the hell I went through was simply sharing the hell with a person already in it - I didnt change the hell, just involved myself in it.

I only got out of it when I realised that no amount of me being involved in that dynamic would change anything, despite all the best intentions, I was a rescuer, but ultimately not a martyr.

exhausted? I was exhausted for 2 years with a daily dose of adrenaline via adoration keeping me going. burn-out became just a daily byproduct or baseline of being enmeshed - read that as being "unhealthy" and if you are feeling the stress faults already, know that there is only so much that we all have our limitation points.

what started out as a full-on fun r/s, complete with height of sexual and emotional fullfillment led eventually to a resemblance of being a prisoner of war having to use psychological tools to appease the captor just to get through to the next hour as peacefully as possible. Healthy people dont put up with this, please recognise this. I didnt need to learn any tools, I had them as a result of my own childhood, it made the r/s just another trip down memory lane. a bit like being a seasoned tour guide of a hostile enviornment, but a hostile environment it is all the same.

at the time I felt it was the best I deserved, I got out when I realised I "wanted" more than was offered. I wanted more than to wait patiently for my ex to decide I was deserving of a return of the "good" times she could deliver and realised that if I felt an intensity as a result, it was only because of having been starved of it and tolerating the crap during the interlude phase.

i was conditioned early on to accept this as being the best I could deserve, leaving at that age was not a feasible option. Yet the difference now is when you radically accept that you have a life ordained that is special and no-one told you that you were brought in this world to tolerate or pander to the needs of others that have developed their issues they want you to suffer alongside with.

Ultimately, if you are on this board there is part of you that doesnt accept or want this, otherwise wouldnt be looking for advice, would be happily going along with it.

[Enabler]

I believe there is a tendency for us (nons) to move (or be moved), react and emotionally spend in parallel with our move volatile BPD partners. This is exhausting, physically and emotionally. It's also very very confusing from the perspective of know what is and isn't real, true or authentic. Part of the skillset you need to learn is the art of standing still, not reacting and not emotionally investing in situations/arguments/discussions that are poor investments. Many of the more successful family members talk of "Pulling hard when they pull, and push softly when they push", rewarding good behaviour and not reward bad behaviour.

As much as sometimes we'd love to punish, get even, make things fair, get back etc etc at our partners, it really is a futile exercise if we intend to continue a meaningful relationship. Even some of the most extreme emotional hurt such as an affair can and will be mentally justifiable to a pwBPD... .so what does chastising them do for the situation? It actually has the opposite effect. Their defense mechanisms are so sensitive to attack you're just making things worse.

You wouldn't hang the washing on the line in a torrential shower, rather it's better to leave it in the basket, wait till the rain has ceased and then put it out when the sun's out again. Spend your energy wisely, observe the times to engage and when not to. It doesn't feel fair... .because it's not... .but that's the reality of the situation you have to radically accept. Slowly it can get better though.