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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: He blames me for his loneliness  (Read 563 times)
Mustbeabetterway
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« on: June 12, 2018, 06:00:50 PM »

My estranged  uBPDh is isolated to the point of being very depressed.  Friendship has never been easy for him.  He has pushed away basically all of his friends by unusual or hostile behavior or just shutting everyone out of his life.  About six months ago, he pushed me away with physically violent behavior. 

I have been detaching from him for several years because of verbal abuse and because we increasingly had nothing in common.  Finally, he went into a rage and severed our relationship.  Throughout this time, he has been contacting me, apologizing but still refusing to get help.  Also more blaming, some name calling, angry accusations toward me.  I have had difficulty going no contact because he is so isolated and has virtually support network.  I have been trying to maintain low contact so that I can detach. 

His brother called me to say that my husband had blocked his number so that he cannot communicate with him.  He is worried about my husband but doesn't know what else to do.  He has rebuffed our grown daughter's invitations to visit or see each other socially.  He only wants to communicate with me.  It is a burden that I am finding extremely difficult to bear.  Plus the fact that often his communication often involves him bringing up some failure of mine from the past and trying to make me take responsibility for it.

I made a similar post several months ago, and got good advice to let my husband feel his own feelings.  However, I just feel so responsible, and I think this is what he wants by only communicating with me.

On one hand, I think he may actually get better if I totally cut off contact.  And I am exploring with my therapist why his healing is my focus?

Most of my therapy seems to have been centered on him and it aggravates me, but each time I make a turn and start to focus on myself he contacts me with something outrageous or does something that makes me feel crazy.  For example,  a month l ago, I asked my husband to keep the dog for a weekend while I went to visit a friend and go to a music festival out of town.  He was totally agreeable until a few days before when he began to tell me that he wasn't keeping the dog and he would take him to a shelter or kill him.  Crazy!  I had to scramble and get the dog shots so that he could board at a kennel.  But, I did and it went fine and I learned that I cannot depend on him for anything.

I had an appointment with a lawyer, but I cancelled it.  It didn't feel like the right time and I went with my gut and put it off.  But, again, I feel the need to move on and protect myself from this turmoil, anger and manipulation.  So, I have had an initial consultation with another attorney.  I know I need to take this step, but it is just so grueling after a long, long marriage.

Sorry for the lengthiness of this post.  I needed to get this off of my chest and hopefully hear from some of you.


Any thought or advice? 

Mustbeabetterway
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DogMan75
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« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2018, 09:59:15 PM »

Oh man. That’s a lot.

I don’t have any advice, but it sounds like your dealing with all his nonsense about as reasonably as can be expected.

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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2018, 05:43:46 AM »

Thanks, Dogman75.  I know, it is a lot.  I appreciate you saying  I am dealing with it reasonably, I am trying.  Sometimes it’s hard to tell because of all the FOG. 

Mustbe
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2018, 09:59:56 PM »

Mustbe,

I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling.  In a long marriage, even with crazy behaviors, it is so difficult to let go.  We have been caretakers, and we feel compassion for our partners.  I'm glad you have the support of a therapist.

You've been around for a bit, so you may well have heard of it, but have you read the book, Splitting, by Bill Eddy?  It is specifically about divorcing someone with BPD.  It has a section on choosing a lawyer who is up to the task; now would be a good time to read it, even if you haven't made a formal decision.  Visualizing how things might go can help you determine if you are ready, and/or get ready.  It is a "must read" for certain.

WW
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2018, 10:43:37 PM »

Hi Wentworth, thank you for your kind words.  I'm glad to be working with a therapist.  I recently, got back into therapy because I was/am having so many different emotions and need help sorting them out.

I have the Splitting book.  It is helpful. I think I will go back and read certain parts again.    Earlier this week, I had a consultation with a lawyer that I felt comfortable with.  When I do decide that I am ready, I will probably use her.

The splitting up has been extremely difficult, but I know that I am making steady progress.  Every time there is an episode like the example I gave about the dog, it sets me back just a little. 

Thank you again for the support,

Mustbeabetterway
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #5 on: June 13, 2018, 11:58:51 PM »

I am nearly eight months into a separation, and some of the issues you are going through sound familiar to me.  How long have you been living separately?

I found in working with my therapist that I kept coming to her each week with stories of how interactions with my wife were sending my stress levels off the charts.  To give you an idea of how enmeshed we were, shortly after the separation, we were having four hour text conversations!  On weeks where I happened to have less contact with her, I was more happy.  I'm a slow learner, but she led me to see the pattern, which was undeniable.  I can talk more about it, but first give us an idea of where you are timing-wise.

WW
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2018, 01:00:25 PM »

Hi Wentworth, we have been separated for about 6 months. We were deeply enmeshed, having been together since we were teenagers.  

I have been working on myself and trying to figure out where all the guilt I am experiencing is coming from.  I have discovered a pattern for me is to take care of people, subconsciously expecting that they will love me in return.  My husband frequently has a crisis and I have spent a lot of energy helping him try to resolve the fallout or making him feel better, etc.  

As I said in the first post, he has cut himself off from everyone except me.  So, of course, I have felt responsible for him being alone because I left him (according to him) although he pushed me out literally.

Through therapy and study, I understand that it is not reasonable for me to bear all of his hurts and disappointments.  Slowly, I am absorbing this and trying to apply it to my existence.

He has reached out to me attempting to get my sympathy and if I Express it, another angry side unleashes on me.

It has been a baby step kind of journey, but I am making progress.  I never imagined that detaching could be this difficult.

Mustbe
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« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2018, 06:51:09 PM »

How long have you been married?  We're at over 20 years of marriage, and have been together longer, since our late teens.  Your situation and mine sound similar in many ways.  I understand caretaking and enmeshment!  I think that you are absolutely on the right track.  It is taking me months and a lot of outside support from therapists and this site and Al-anon to stop feeling responsible for her well being.  In the initial stages of the separation, she would create crises to suck me back in, but as I've gotten better at not being drawn in, that's been happening less.  It has been absolutely liberating to no longer feel responsible for her.  The last vestiges of guilt are still there, but I'm getting to a better place.  Just keep at it.  You will get there.

WW
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« Reply #8 on: June 15, 2018, 07:17:00 PM »

I am sorry it is so distressingly painful that your husband is not leaving you alone and is not accepting any type of outside support. I believe we talked a few months ago about letting him take responsibility for his feelings. Now I am concerned for your safety, as it is not unheard of for a husband to harm/kill a wife who is threatening to divorce him. It sounds like he is getting more and more desperate, more depressed, and his threat to kill the dog sounds maybe what he is thinking of doing to you. The fact that he has gotten violent with you since your threat of divorce is also a concern. Is there a domestic violence program that you can consult about doing an assessment of how dangerous your husband is to your safety, and some steps you can take to keep yourself safer? I apologize for alarming you in this way, yet I see some real red flags in how this could escalate. Please keep us up to date and let us know what is going on as we care, and we are here to help in anyway we can.
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« Reply #9 on: June 15, 2018, 10:30:43 PM »

Wentworth we have been married, unbelievably, 38 years.  We dated for a few years before we got married.

I have put some boundaries around texting.  Most importantly for me, I put his number on “Do Not Disturb” during the night.  In the beginning, he was texting me late in the night and I couldn’t sleep. 

I have been working with the therapist on breaking my rescuing habit/mindset and I am making progress.

I have read a lot of your posts and it does sound like you are in a better place indeed.  That’s wonderful.

I’m thankful for BPD Family.  I have been helped here, and I feel good about contributing, too.

Zachira. I agree, there are red flags.  There is no need to apologize, I appreciate your honesty and forethought.  I’m living about 30 minutes away from him.  He has never come here or followed me.  I feel that I was more in danger when I was going to the house to get my things or when we were trading the dog between us.  It seemed he was triggered when I was at the house.  So I haven’t been there in about a month and don’t plan to go back until he has moved out.

I do have access to  DV agency.  I’m so hesitant to take that step. 

I’m trying to maintain low contact and continuing with therapy.  I have had a recent consultation with an attorney. 

I appreciate your support and concern.  I have been working on letting him be responsible for his feelings. 

Peace and blessings, Mustbe
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« Reply #10 on: June 15, 2018, 11:15:11 PM »

Mustbe,

Wow!  38 years!  You are one of the few people I've met here who has me beat.  Marriage of 24 years, total relationship of 30.

I appreciate zachira's concern as well.  It sounds like you're being smart about keeping opportunities for conflict down.  With 38 years of marriage, you've got a lot of experience with him.  You've been on the boards for a while, and in fact I think we've posted on some of the same threads a while back, but I don't know about your separation story.  Can I trouble you to give details about the physical violence that occurred at separation?  Was it unprecedented in 38 years, or were there past incidents?  Has your husband been violent with others?
 Have you taken the MOSAIC threat assessment survey?  If there's another thread where you went into this, feel free to give a link, and I'd be happy to read up.

WW
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« Reply #11 on: June 15, 2018, 11:58:03 PM »

Hi Wentworth,  we have been separated since the last week of January.  The Christmas holidays are always rough.  There are so many expectations and inevitably things do not live up to my husband's expectations.  Coming on the heels of that, we had a lot of back and forth arguing.  There were/are resentments that he has built up against me and I against him. 

We were separated three years ago after the holidays, as well.  At that time, he pushed me and i fell into some things cutting myself, and getting scraped up.  He was unreasonable and threatening so I left and went to a hotel.  I stayed with family members, moving back and forth between different family members.  It really was not great.  I went back home because he promised to do whatever I asked.  I asked him to go to couples therapy,  he went twice and decided the therapist was against him and on my side so he quit.  Then he went to Anger Management once.  So it's been rocky every since then.  Even though we both have tried to be better.  He has at times tried very hard to be a better husband. 

This past January, we had been arguing and he had been depressed - long story short he ended up pushing me out of the house, locking the door and threatening me if I came back.

Violence has not been the norm although he has at times been intimidating, throwing things, yelling.  This has never happened away from our home.  And he isn't violent with others.

Now that I recount this stuff, I am really glad to be living separately. 

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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #12 on: June 16, 2018, 01:43:59 AM »

Thank you for the details on the violence.  Even one incident is upsetting.  I'm sorry that you have those memories.  It sounds like you are being wise about maintaining physical space, and are being observant of your feelings.  Traps folks can get into include minimizing what has happened, packing their feelings so deep they aren't aware of the impact on them, minimizing the danger, thinking that if they can get things perfect it won't happen again, etc.  Though I would certainly expect that after such a long marriage you would have very conflicted feelings, it seems, at least from out here on the Internet, that you're doing what you need to do to stay safe.  Good work on that, it is not easy.

It is terribly difficult to detach after such a long marriage.  Your lives are woven together in so many ways, and I'm sure there are good memories along with the bad.  How often do you communicate with him?  Are there any times during the summer when you will have to interact with him?  In the last week, what have you interacted over?

What does your support system look like?  Do you have close friends and family who are supporting you?  Work or activiities?

WW
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« Reply #13 on: June 16, 2018, 10:45:14 AM »

Thanks, Wentworth for the thought provoking questions-

Detaching is terribly difficult.  I think it bears repeating that it is difficult because until one goes through it, it’s not possible to know just how difficult.

There is no way I would put myself through this emotional gauntlet if I saw another way to stay together and protect my safety and sanity.

Oh yes, traps I have fallen into -

minimizing - I minimized the affect that verbal abuse had on me.  I used minimization as a coping tool.  When it was happening, I couldn’t stop it so I just got through it as best I could.  Later he would apologize and I would forgive and try to forget.  Each name takes a chunk of your being.  A person is made up of only so many chinks.  

Pushing down my feelings - I became so numb that I was literally unable to cry.

Trying to harden myself and dish it out as well as take it - I tried this and for a little while became someone other than my true self.  I wasn’t a name calling angry person in my core and that was not a good path.  I struggled to break that pattern and get back to myself.  Once I stopped giving tit for tat, it really hit me how hurtful an angry demeanor is to the angry person.

Good Memories/Bad Memories. This is the hardest part, if it were all bad, detaching would be a no brainer.  When I think of him, he seems like two people.  For example, I sometimes think that he was one way - supportive of my career because at times he was, but then I think of times that he was very unsupportive.  There’s no in between,  it’s either hot or cold, black or white, love or hate.  Was your spouse like that?  

I have a few good, supportive friends, and our daughter and her family are close and we get together often.  I am living in my mom’s home.  She is in a nursing home and I am her primary support person.  I was taking care of her home anyway, as it was empty.  It needs some cleaning and repair, which falls to me, before it can eventually be sold.  So that works out.

I have hobbies and I exercise.  Trying to get healthy- body and soul.
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #14 on: June 17, 2018, 12:25:54 AM »

Mustbe, everything you wrote, I could have written, too.  I understand exactly what you are saying.  I tried to ignore the name calling, not realizing how much it was taking out of me.  I also lost touch with my feelings as a defense mechanism.  It can take a long time to get back in touch with feelings.

That's great that you are blessed to have a child living close to you!  Nice that you have a place to live.  Is it your childhood home?  Does it provide comfort to be there?

How often do you communicate with him?  Are there any times during the summer when you will have to interact with him?  In the last week, what have you interacted over?  Do you see yourself being able to move to less contact as the summer progresses?

WW
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« Reply #15 on: June 17, 2018, 11:12:29 AM »

Wentworth, thanks for your responses.  I am sorry that you went through this as well.  I am trying to work through this bit by bit and then release it.  I don't want to carry this around inside every day.

In regard to contact with him:

Last week, he texted that he was so alone, and I had been worried about him.  He suggested we get together because he just wanted to have a conversation with me.  I said that we could meet somewhere for lunch.  I think meeting in a public place would be safe.  But, it was all or nothing.  If we couldn't ride together then he didn't want to, so I said, "suit yourself."

I have been in touch with him this week.  He texts me light, newsy types of things and if I respond, he will then take the conversation to blaming, etc.  i talked to my therapist about his need for me to accept responsibility that I was not there for him during our marriage and that I turned my back on him.  She asked, "What would happen if you just agreed, if you said, you're right, I wasn't able to be there for you every time that you needed or wanted me to be."  So I tried it yesterday and his response was, "So, you finally admit it.  Let's get a divorce a.s.a.p."

He says i left the house a mess when I moved my things out.  Well, things are packed up and stacked up in the house.  That is part of moving.  I told him that when he moves out, I will get the rest of my things.  

As the summer progresses, I think I will be able to have less contact with him.  Which, I admit, is hard because we have such a long history together.  It's strange to live with someone for so long and all of the sudden not be together. 

This is the house my parents built when I was a teenager.  It is in the small town where my husband and I grew up.  I know many of the neighbors and feel safe and comfortable here.  

Like many people who grow up in small towns, the idea is to leave, and we did.  I never imagined myself coming back to live, but it's ok and I am grateful.  I have friends here of all ages.  

How are you doing?  What are you doing to heal specifically?  
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« Reply #16 on: June 17, 2018, 11:29:52 AM »

You are trying everything you can to diffuse all the bad feelings that he dumps on you, and limiting contact without cutting him off completely. Your hope is that there will be less contact over time, and he will not have you around as the main target of his uncomfortable feelings. You made a good decision in deciding not to ride with him. I think that is it important as you really don't want to be alone with him, or give him permission to come to your home. Your previous posts have clarified that it has been a month since you moved out of your shared home, and things seems to be less intense. As time passes, the risk that a man will harm/kill his partner is reduced. Indeed the time when a woman is most at risk of being killed by her partner is immediately after she leaves the relationship. I admire how you are handling this difficult situation, and I am still concerned about you.
What concerns me most is that he is isolating himself from other people: That he refuses to see his daughter or anybody else, and he has cut his brother off. Could you possibly encourage his brother and anybody else you can think of to keep reaching out to him? If he is not so isolated, he can start to rebuild his relationships with others, and you are less of a target, and the principal focus of all his distress.
I am thinking of you, and my heart goes out to you with what you are dealing with. I admire the transparency with which you and Wentworth engage in conversation. I hope I am not intruding by being so direct in telling you what I think and feel with my heart. I care and hope this painful phase of your life will soon pass and you will indeed have the happy life you deserve after dealing with so much pain and distress for so many years.
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« Reply #17 on: June 17, 2018, 04:06:23 PM »

Zachira,   thank you, thank you for being so kind and for your concern.

Your heartfelt comments/advice are very welcome!  That’s what is so great about a forum.  There are many perspectives and I usually learn something from each one.

I have in the past asked my BIL to check on my husband.  But, the problem is when he does call to check, my husband has given him grief or hung up on him, etc.  BIL thinks my husband is bipolar and needs a lot of help.  We haven’t discussed the specifics of what may be my husband’s disorder, but we both know the symptoms firsthand.  Yes am hesitant to ask people behind the scenes to contact my husband.  It seems like trying to “fix” the problem.  I’m hopeful that once he realizes that I am not going to exhaust myself by trying to fix him/his discomfort, he will seek out others to help.  My ambivalence has given him false hope that I will come back to him without him getting help for his issues.  After all, that is what has happened several times in the past.

I’m hoping that some of the vitriol is past.  Even though splitting up is not my preferred way of handling the problems, I have been aware for sometime that it would probably come to this.  So, I  think I am ahead of him on the healing cycle.  He should not have been surprised, but obviously, he was shocked that I would leave and stay gone.  So I think he has some catching up to do in the acceptance department.

In the meantime, I intend to continue being safe, taking care of myself and finding my own way to happiness.
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« Reply #18 on: June 18, 2018, 10:18:31 PM »

My husband feels lonely now, too. His roommate doesn't listen to him and probably wouldn't be much help anyway. I am pretty low contact these days, and we have a 14 year old daughter.

At this point, I've accepted that his loneliness is not something that other people, including myself, can fix. It's something that is part of his personality.
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« Reply #19 on: June 18, 2018, 11:59:29 PM »

Hi Empath,  seeing someone you care or cared about deeply feeling distressed is a helpless feeling.

Is he in contact with your daughter?  Do they have a close relationship? I ask because our grown daughter is disappointed that she doesn’t have a closer relationship with her dad.  And that is hurtful to me, too.   You say you are low contact, does he still reach out to you to talk about his problems?

Not only does my husband blame me for his loneliness, but for other things as well and at this moment, the weight of the blame is very heavy.
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« Reply #20 on: June 19, 2018, 08:23:39 PM »

Mustbeabetterway, he is in contact with our daughter; they don't really have a close relationship, though (she has good reasons for that). I feel sad for our kids who didn't really have a good experience with their dad.

My husband still does reach out to me to talk about his problems; his roommate doesn't really listen to him. I try to limit that a good bit. In my case, my h moved out because he felt like he was going to hurt himself or us, so it was his decision there. He has been living with other people since he moved out of our home. He also was seeing a therapist for a couple of months; now he feels better and stopped the therapy.
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #21 on: June 20, 2018, 05:18:58 PM »

I am so glad to hear that you have the comfort of familiar surroundings now!  Do you have a therapist to see in your new location?  Are there any divorce support groups in your new location that might be worth checking out?

WW
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« Reply #22 on: June 22, 2018, 09:45:18 AM »

In my experience my ex said that i was the only person he trusted, the only person he could to talk to, etc-- but that's not the case. I had to cut him out and reached out to his family and our friends to intervene. He is able to talk to others and his mental health is his responsibility and my mental health is my responsibility- relationship or not. I wish I hadn't sent our friends into the mix knowing about his personality disorder, and ability to use and manipulate people. At the time I was still in denial about him being 'emotionally abusive' and I worry for and miss dearly the close friends I asked to help who got enmeshed in the situation when I got out. However I am glad that I am making moves towards feeling less responsible for him and recognizing he needs professional help that I can't provide- and me being his sole 'emotional support' was extremely detrimental to both of us. I hope you are both able to move forward in healthy ways for each of you!
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« Reply #23 on: June 22, 2018, 07:10:31 PM »

Hello tin,

Acknowledging that my partner needs help that I cannot provide has been difficult.  I had convinced myself that if I tried harder that I could be everything he needed.  Of course , this was not conscious, but still very limiting and real.   

Realizing  that each person is responsible for their own mental health is a necessary step to stop caretaking and heal from codependency.

I read something that applies and I often think about.  The person who needs help should be in charge of deciding what  kind of help is needed.  

I was discussing with my therapist my husband’s need for me to “accept responsibility “ for not being emotionally there for him as much as he needed me to be.  He has said this over and over again.  I fought against this idea because accepting responsibility for this felt like admitting that I hadn’t tried or that I was guilty of not being there.  She asked what would happen if I just said, you are right, I wasn’t able to be there as much as you needed me to be.

The next time he mentioned this, I said that to him.  I don’t know if this registered with him, but it helped me because I was able to admit that I really couldn’t be there as much as he needed.  It has helped me move more into acceptance.  

Wentworth I am seeing the same therapist.  I’m even closer to her office now since I have moved.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe
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« Reply #24 on: June 23, 2018, 07:27:00 PM »

Mustbe,

My partner also constantly tells me that I was not there for her.  In feels to me that in her eyes, any void is one that I'm responsible for filling, not her.

That's great that you are able to see the same therapist, and are closer!

Have you had any recent contact with him?

WW
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« Reply #25 on: June 23, 2018, 08:24:29 PM »

Hi Wentworth,

Being accused of “not being there” can make a person feel pretty helpless, don’t you think.  How do you respond to that?

For a long time, it made me JADE, and also try harder and harder to “be there”.   My husband has several incidents of me “not being there for him” that he has built up resentment around.  He won’t let them go and when we were living together would get so angry, calling me names, raging, etc. 

This evening, I was feeling a little restless and alone, so I drove to a nearby university campus where there is a pretty walking trail and walked a few miles.  While I was walking my husband texted me saying he missed his life.  This tugs on my heartstrings.  It doesn’t make me want to go back, but makes me miss the good times, too.  I tried to validate and say, “I understand.  There are things I miss too.”   Then he launches into a long text about how I was never there for him, etc. etc. he says he wants me to get a lawyer and just get a divorce. 

I don’t like that he’s trying to push me into taking action that I am not quite ready for.  There are financial reasons as well as emotional reasons why I am not ready to file for divorce. 

I texted him, that things had gotten really bad between us, and I am not willing to live like that anymore.  After spending a lifetime together, I am trying to work on myself and get myself healthier.  It is up to each of us to do what we need to take care of ourselves. 

So, now I am home and feel better for having gotten out and exercising.  I’m detaching little by little.  I wish things were different between he and I, but wishing doesn’t make it so.  I’m trying to be responsible and mature and take steps to move forward to a healthier life for myself. 
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« Reply #26 on: June 23, 2018, 09:15:17 PM »

Yes, I tried JADE as well as working harder.  Sometimes later on, I'd validate emotions.  Honestly though, I got so tired of the accusations after a while, I often ignored them.  My wife alternated between "being there" for me in spectacular ways, and then being spectacularly abusive, completely canceling out any good that she did by "being there" for me.  I gave my entire adult life to her, my one shot to raise kids (we have three).  So I'm pretty spent on this topic of whether or not I was there for her. 

It struck me that when you were taking time for yourself, to try to feel better, you interrupted it to take care of him.  How do you feel about that?  What would you think about putting your phone on "do not disturb" during special "me" times like that?

WW
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« Reply #27 on: June 23, 2018, 09:19:48 PM »

Wentworth,  thanks for pointing that out.  I didn’t even think about putting it on silent or do not disturb.  I need to make myself less available.

Take care,  Mustbe
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« Reply #28 on: June 25, 2018, 03:32:34 AM »

Wentworth,  thanks for pointing that out.  I didn’t even think about putting it on silent or do not disturb.  I need to make myself less available.

Take care,  Mustbe

Exactly! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Keep us posted on how you're doing, and if you're able to get some more space.

WW
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« Reply #29 on: June 25, 2018, 06:10:54 PM »

Yesterday, I went to the beach on my own and had a great time.  Reading, some meditation, walking and enjoying the beautiful day and the ocean.  It was restorative.

Well, this afternoon I was running errands and received a text from my husband saying that he was overwhelmed, lonely and exhausted.  I responded, “ That is rough.  I wish you felt better.”  He was on his way to get lunch and I offered to meet him.  Predictably, he didn’t want to meet me, but wanted me to come to the house.  He became angry in text because I don’t trust him and act as if he is violent.

I realize that the problem is that I continue to be in contact with him.  I’m not resolved to go no contact and that is sending mixed messages.  This marriage has been my life for 38 years and I haven’t come to terms with it ending.  I’m getting there, but it is slow and taking deliberate acknowledgement of the truth. 

I keep reminding myself of what really happened between us and why the relationship deteriorated.  I lived in denial for so long and I have to stay focused on the truth and reality in order to detach.

I’m determined to continue detaching and healing.

Thanks for your support!

Mustbe
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« Reply #30 on: June 28, 2018, 10:49:16 PM »

Mustbe,

Wow, you are implicitly posing some really good questions.  What kind of contact is most appropriate? 

It seems like it would be helpful to know where you want the relationship to be long-term.  Where do you want the relationship to be two years from now?  Do you want to be no contact?  Exchange cards at holidays?  Check in once a month?  Be casual friends and eat dinner once or twice a month?

You've already said that you can turn your phone to "do not disturb" during special times (like on the beach!  )  There are other ways to reduce his dependence on you and how disruptive he is to you.  One is your text response time.  You could always delay by an hour before responding, but I prefer to be more authentic, and just develop general boundaries around texting.  If I get a text while grocery shopping, I may wait until I'm in the car to respond.

Another thing is content of the texts.  Your reply, "that's rough, I wish you felt better" was brilliant.  You empathized with him.  But when you offered to meet him for lunch, what are your thoughts on that?

WW
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« Reply #31 on: July 02, 2018, 10:02:09 AM »

Hi Wentworth,

I have been mulling over your questions and considering my reply.  I know what I want, but what is possible is almost surely different.  Since living together happily is not in the cards, I would say being friendly and seeing each other occasionally would be my desire.  Lots of boundaries - not my forte yet, would need to be thought of and in place for that to happen.  The reality is that less communication would be the healthiest thing for me.   

Thanks for the tough question, Honestly, I am still trying to "fix" his feelings and was giving in to his demands to offer to see him.  He doesn't actually want to meet me anywhere, but those are my conditions.  i actually did meet him after that time.  He called me and I was leaving the nursing home from visiting my mom.  He started out friendly, asking about Mom, etc.  then said, "I am starving, have you eaten?"  It was late in the evening and I had not.  I agreed to meet him at a sandwhich shop nearby.  He wasn't there when I arrived, so I went on in and sat at a table to wait.  When he got there, his face was angry and he strode over to me and said, "You couldn't even wait for me outside?"  It caught me totally off guard.  He said a few other things and people were staring or trying not to look.  He stormed off.
I was left feeling confused, like what just happened? 

I had the presence of mind to just sit there and wait until I saw his vehicle pull out of the parking lot before I left.  He later texted that this meeting in public places was BS and that I made him out to be something he was not. 
I felt safer that i had that boundary about meeting in public in place.  I realize a healthier person might not be happy about meeting in public, but would probably work to restore trust instead of storming away.

I have been in therapy, on this forum, studying about healing and he has not availed himself to anything to heal or get past our breakup.  No wonder he is sadly flailing about.  It's tough enough with all kinds of support.

He said, last night by text, I give up, you win.  Let's get a divorce asap.  He says that I wanted a divorce and I should get an attorney.  I felt guilty for a moment and then I thought, yes I really won,  pushed out of my home, husband violent to me, marriage in shambles.  Yep, I won... .  i got some mental clairty and concluded that I did what I did to survive and eventually thrive. 

I am working with my therapist about my hesitation to see an attorney.  It's a difficult step. 

Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #32 on: July 02, 2018, 10:25:53 AM »

Hello Mustbeabetterway,
I admire your courage and how you are getting through such difficult times with an ex that does not accept the end of your marriage. I am wondering about your husband's problems with anger management and how serving him with divorce papers could affect your safety. Maybe it would better if you insisted that he serve you with divorce papers. That way he is not the victim, as he actually took the first step in getting legally divorced. Clearly you are not responsible in any way for his anger and terrible behaviors, yet you have to be careful to not unnecessarily antagonize him as he is very volatile. These are just my thoughts, and as always, you are the best judge of what will work, and know this situation inside and out. Take care and keep us posted.
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« Reply #33 on: July 02, 2018, 02:03:20 PM »

Mustbe, I admire the way you're handling this, though I'm sad to hear that the meeting in the sandwich shop didn't work.  After such a long time together, that friendly relationship you are hoping for would be so nice.  The best you can do is to continue to be open to it, staying centered and enforcing your boundaries with respect and without acrimony.

You're spot on with his reaction of angrily storming out.  A healthier person would have been happy for the opportunity to see you, and would have built from there.  Heck, he invited you!

I agree there are no winners in this.  Just survivors.  You have lost so much, not just a home and a relationship, but dreams as well.  There is a lot of grieving to do.

You are going to continue to grow with boundaries.  You can continue to document your interactions with him on this thread, including your successes and setbacks with boundaries.  Going back to read the thread will show you how much progress you're making, and remind you of why you set the boundaries.  The next time he invites you to get together in a public place, would you do it and see if he does better, or would you want to claim more space for a while? (There's no right answer to that question).  Would you want to try to soften his potential shame by saying that the public place thing is less about safety and more about what you're emotionally ready for, or to you think such an effort would be a waste? (Again, no right answer).

Regarding the lawyer, a "baby steps" approach may work.  Just envisioning the process can be helpful.  Have you heard of the book, Splitting, by Bill Eddy?  He is a counselor turned lawyer who wrote the book specifically about divorcing pwBPD.  The book includes a section on picking a lawyer appropriate to the task.  Reading that book might be a way to wrap your head around things and build some confidence that the path ahead is possible.

WW
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