How do you break up with someone?

[once removed]

literally. how do you go about it?

im very nervous at the prospect, as i think about future dating.

i have my share of rejection and abandonment fears. historically, i take breakups badly, id say much more than average. so i have a hard time even picturing doing it to someone else.

i can tell myself that if im not interested, its a greater kindness to both parties. i can tell myself im not ultimately responsible for another persons feelings in that yes of course theyre a result of my actions, and being dumped never feels good, but im not responsible for how badly they do or dont take it. i can tell myself im projecting my own fears on someone else, and that theyll be fine.

and it helps, dont get me wrong. today, i am pretty confident id walk away from someone with say, a temper problem, someone who seriously disrespected me or verbally abused me, someone that crosses more obvious lines, and im also confident that im more drawn to healthier people/dynamics, and can better draw and securely attach to them. i have a much better idea of what i want in a partner, and if i get involved with someone seriously not for me, i think i can pull the plug.

but then i start thinking about the basics. what about if im not interested after a first date and she is? after a couple of dates? after 1-3 months of being exclusive and i just dont see a future? its that that stumps me. ive never done it before.

how would you walk away?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey once removed, I suggest you cross that bridge when you come to it and, in the meantime, don't let that stop you from having a r/s with someone you find attractive.  If things aren't working out, it usually pretty obvious to all concerned, so don't worry too much about it!

LuckyJim

[Sunfl0wer]

Gotta say... . I seriously struggle with breaking up.  
I had begun dating, but now am on a sabatical... .and knowing how to back away was tricky for me.

Part of my issue is that I WANT the feeling of closeness with someone, so often did not give the relationship the needed breathing room.

What I am realizing is that by keeping a bit more distance from the beginning, this getting space stuff is easier.  ... .easier to transition to exit when things move at a fairer pace.

So rather than proceed with full emotional brain and do what feels good.  I try entering the relationships with enough distance to get to slowly know someone... .

My friend however seems to start treating a woman like wife material from the beginning... .he ended up almost marrying someone he didnt even like and she didnt like him.  It was a long distance relationship that would require him to marry her for them to continue.  It was pretty easy to see how backing out got harder and harder because the intimacy they formed... .was not based on learning more about each other... . but based on the excitement of having someone to share something with.

I’m thinking that when one puts so so much investment into a “date” to treat them like a wife before getting to know them... .then it becomes harder to back away from the investment put in.

Imo... .staying interested in my own hobbies and life... .is what helps me keep enough distance to be able to more easily tell a guy after the third date or so... .that I think this isn’t going to go well.

Now... .I still don’t know quite how to break it off after really liking someone on an emotional level but on a logical level isn’t compatible.  My last date... .we dated few months... .ended up loving each other lots... .but we cannot merge lives, knew this from start... .he put end to it cause it got too painful for us both... .we are still friends.  

Another guy and I also still very good friends now... .pragmatically we were u suitable.

Other dates I had... .kinda went into a “fade” mode.

I also read on another site relationship stuff to see how others break up and such... .was very helpful... .
Idk if we are allowed to post re other sites but it was loveshack.org u can read others talk about how to break up and such stuff.  This stuff gave me confidence for todays date culture.

Sorry my language rambly... maybe something useful, idk.

[steelwork]

I'm really bad at breaking up with people. Meaning that, historically, I've avoided it and waited way too long, even when I knew in my heart that things weren't working out.

So what's a good way to break up with someone? I was going through some old papers a while ago and found a postcard from an old boyfriend saying he was sorry our relationship hadn't worked out. We'd been seeing each other for maybe 6 months when he broke up with me, and the postcard came a few months after that. All I remember about the breakup itself was that he picked a fight with me and left my apartment, and then a day or two later he told me he was getting back together with an old girlfriend. Not super mature, but we were youngish (early 30s), and stuff happens. It hurt. Still, I appreciated the fact that he didn't leave me thinking this silly fight was the reason he was breaking up with me.

And that postcard. That was a classy move.

So maybe that's an example of a pretty decent way to break up with someone.

[BeagleGirl]

Oh good!  Another overthinker.    My friends make fun of me for thinking through stuff like this when I don't even have any prospect for a date.

As I (over)think through this question, one thing that I'm aware of is that I tend to spend more time worrying about protecting the other person's heart than my own.  So then I remind myself that my responsibility for the other person's feelings begins and ends with my own commitment to act with integrity and authenticity.  If I'm doing that and the other person gets hurt, that is unfortunate but NOT MY PROBLEM.  If I fail to act with integrity and authenticity, I will apologize and do what I can to change my behavior in the future, but staying in an unhealthy relationship is not an appropriate form of restitution. 

I may forget this to some extent when in the midst of emotion, but it has been a hard won battle to get to the place where I really know that it is better to be alone than in a destructive relationship.  I am hoping that will give me the strength to walk away when the    start waving rather than trying to hang on and "fix" things. 

So my thoughts on your specific questions - role play!  Do you have a good friend that would be willing to be your practice person for the scenarios you listed?  If not, you can try some things out here.

- Not interested after the first date but she is?  "I don't want to leave you in suspense in the coming days.  Whatever it is that I'm looking for in a date just didn't seem to click for me, so you won't be hearing from me again."  A bit brutal?  Yeah, but vs leaving her constantly checking her phone... .

- After a couple of dates?  Some variation on the above, but maybe with openness to share more details about what isn't "clicking" if she asks and seems like a "safe" person to give feedback to.

- After 1-3 months of exclusive?  Be ready to answer a lot more questions.  Do you want to try a friendship after a period of NC?  Do you think you could transition to a friendship without a period of NC?  What was it that made it difficult to see a future together?  Is that something that might change?  The key is to not be too gentle.  This is one where rehearsing with a friend could be invaluable.  They can tell you if you are appearing to leaving doors open that you don't intend to, thereby dragging out the uncertainty and hurt.

Those are my thoughts. 
BG

[pearlsw]

I know how to break up with nons. It always went rather smoothly in the past (the discussion/arranging part), when I was the one initiating at least.

I have no idea, and some fear, around breaking up with someone with BPD traits. I shudder to imagine what it could be like.

We got close in a conversation yesterday, but... .he always whiplashes back to WANTING TO BE WITH ME FOREVER and CAN'T IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT ME because HE LOVES ME. (All caps to highlight the emotional intensity.)

If I initiate at some point what should I expect? Freaking out? Denial? Bargaining? Anger? Punishment? Cooperation? Understanding? Elements of all of these things?

ay, ay, ay, pearl. 

[Tobiasfunke]

Haha. Who knows?  but I know how not to. I guess I just go with the flow. I have gotten very close to someone recently. We see each other regularly but there are children and school districts and housing and exes. I feel things will either naturally carry on or die out.

I think if you are 100% sure it’s not the right situation you should just pull off the band aid and tell them how you feel.

[steelwork]

I just had a lightbulb moment. I don't want to go over what happened with me and my ex (you can look at my first post if you're curious for any reason, though why would anyone be?), but to be brief: our breakup was protracted and inconclusive (my fault as well as his) until he started seeing someone else, at which point he became explosively angry and then cut me off. I took that anger as evidence that he still loved me and tore my life apart for a few months trying to get back together with him.

So one thing I can definitively say is: if you really want to break up with someone, and even if you are angry at them, don't do it with anger. They might twist it around to mean that you're still interested in them. I realize that might go without saying. No one goes into a situation anticipating an angry breakup. But it's just something I can say for sure, so I thought I would.

[heartandwhole]

It’s tough for me, that’s for sure, because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.

If I know that the relationship is going nowhere, then I will do my best to tackle it head on. That’s what I want if the shoe is on the other foot. I’d be horrified to find out later that a guy “pretended” to be in a relationship or that he liked me when all the while he just couldn’t find a way to break up.

I remember one time when I was shopping for a used car. The salesman showed me the car I had asked to see (from an ad in the paper). It was filthy, the exhaust spit black fumes out when he started it. He was acting like it was a perfectly good car and was about to give me the sales pitch. I made the decision to look right at him and said, “I don’t want to waste my time, or your time.” He got it instantly and we both got out of the car without another word and I went on my way.  

If someone wants to break up with me, I’d rather hear that than an inauthentic speech to spare my feelings. I’m sure it would sting, but I’d respect the other person for being straight up and respecting me by letting me get on with finding someone who really wants to be with me.

With all that said, it’s a lot easier to write down than do. I’m with you on that.

Thanks for letting me share, once removed!

heartandwhole

[confusedbloke]

Well I think you just have to look them in the eye and say "i don't think it's working between us",there's no easier way to put it. I've literally just done that tonight.

[Insom]

Hi, once removed.

Have you started dating yet?  I'm with Lucky Jim re: not to worry too much.

Sometimes endings feel simple and natural.  When there's a mutual sense that a date or two was just OK (fine but not great) things tend to fizzle out on their own when neither party reaches out to initiate the next outing.  No discussion needed.  I wouldn't even call it breaking up.

Breaking up with someone you're in a relationship with is different but can also feel natural.  It's something you negotiate via conversation - What is the next step for us?  Are you ready for that?  I'm not sure I am.  Are we exclusive?  Something has changed for me (new job/schedule whatever).  Can we slow down?  Hugs.   - that sort of thing.

Have you thought about what types of dates sound fun and low-stress to you?  Keeping initial dates super-casual can help lower the stakes.  So does waiting for physical intimacy.

[spacecadet]

Hi OnceRemoved, I agree with someone else who wrote that after 1-3 dates often there's a fizzling that happens naturally... .you both realize things are not going forward. At that point no explanation needed.

After a few dates there's a conversation that unfolds an obvious reason things are not going forward. A couple months back I met a man, we clicked - great conversation, a spark etc., & he wanted things to progress. But we spoke on the phone and I probed his living situation a bit, and he revealed that he was still living with his ex-gf because he'd made "a financial commitment" until she sold the house. It had been 2.5 years.     I said, gee you're not really finished with her then. He started to argue to persuade me he's ready for a new r/s. I was polite about it but made it clear if we got together it would be as friends only, and that was the end.

That's one way to kill a r/s, the "let's just be friends" convo.  

Letting go when things aren't working is easier if there's been an on-going dialogue about the friendship. If it looks like we're getting past the first couple dates and go into friend or romantic mode I say, "I enjoy spending time with you and feel chemistry but I prefer to take things slow. [or whatever you're wanting] How do you feel about that?" That's a great way to take someone's temperature on a) how they feel about you and b) how healthy they are and how able to negotiate space. That could be the bottom line... .have these "us" conversations incrementally in context with how much time has been spent together and how strong the spark.

If issues are talked about as they come up, then if there does come a parting of the ways there's already a context into which the break up talk makes sense, e.g. "I really care for you but we keep quarreling over [fill in the blank]."

Sometimes what you expect might be a break-up convo turns into a more successful resolution of an issue because you're telegraphing the strength of one of your needs e.g. "I know you're uncomfortable with my having opposite sex friends but I'm just not willing to give up my friends for you, and I'm wondering if that's a deal-breaker for you or can you live with it?"

All of this is easier said than done, and break ups never feel good. If you're a person with empathy and you're the one wanting to leave it's painful to reject the other. Add to that, ALL of us have ambivalence like those with PD, just not as sharp, we ALL are prone to saying things we don't mean when upset, or we mean in the moment but our feelings shift the next hour or next day. For this reason when an argument is starting I like to have a time out to think about the issue so I can figure out how I really feel before things are said that can't be un-said. One thing about the disordered is that they can't handle that space when you ask for it, it's too overwhelming for them. But it's essential to respect one another enough to give each other space and time to think through our feelings and wants.

Honesty in break-ups takes courage but healthy people recognize that you're doing them a favor and not wasting their time or misleading them about what you want. Early this year one new friend, we were talking on the phone and he blurted out, "I definitely don't want a monogamous relationship with you!" I was a little stung but at the same time it was kind of funny, because few people can make an honest declaration like that. I stayed okay in the moment and said, "Well I appreciate your being clear about that. Would you rather not talk again, or would you like to stay friends and hang out?" He said yes and now he's warming up again, turns out he's not sure he wants to remain in this area or move across country. People's feelings are moving targets always, there's a messiness in every friendship/r/s.

Meantime, we all practice negotiating relationships by growing a circle of friends (at least some coed) where these things happen naturally. I've learned a lot by observing how other people handle conflict in groups.

That's probably waaayyyy too much but my brain download.
 

[once removed]

some good advice here!

some pointers ive picked up are

-keep it classy
-roleplay and get comfortable, find what works
-depends on how long youve been dating
-if honesty is requested, give some
-keep some space, and stay in a comfortable position and your options will be easier/more natural
-sometimes its mutual and you both go your separate ways naturally

Insom, no, im not currently dating. ive had some medical issues that have kept me sidelined for some years now. before dating, i have a lot of catch up work to do, and feel i need to have more on the ball before pursuing anyone. objectively speaking, no healthy female would consider getting serious with me right now.

which reminds me, i actually have had to reject someone before, who became a very close friend. i did the "its not you, its me" thing, which was true (medical stuff), but not my only reasoning; im plenty attracted to her but it was beyond obvious to me that we couldnt work. she didnt take it well at all. she pretended to get a boyfriend to make me jealous. we laugh about it now. honestly it was much harder actually saying "no we cant date" than dealing with her feelings.

i like the "its not you, its me" thing, although it wont work in every situation. its not honest in every situation, and i tend to agree that if someone is genuine in asking me why, some level of honesty and feedback is a good policy. if i were to ask, thats what id want to hear, kinda like getting fired.

i tried to break up with my ex many, many times. some of them sincerely. i couldnt follow through. i never would have married her with the way things were, but i would have stayed for years if she hadnt dumped me. i worry about that. as i get older, i feel increasing pressure not to stay in a relationship if its a dead end or not going to become more. but the thought of ending it brings up so much anxiety. like i said, much easier now if someone is abusive and crosses lines. i wonder if my problem is less that i dont know how to break up with someone, but that ill find excuses to avoid doing it.