Vacation lessons

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

Hi folks,

My vacation is over in a few days and I've been reflecting quite a bit this trip. It hasn't been all sunshine and relaxation, and I've found myself plagued with nightmares most nights. However, just because sleeping me has felt a bit tortured, daytime me has been rolling with the punches per se.

This is the first trip I've taken without my STBXw and its a big family vacation (aka drama filled). On this trip (and in general), I'm realizing how much I relied on her as an escape from FOO stuff. Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing or a BPD thing, but it's definitely one of those things that made me vulnerable. On this trip, I've had to stand on my own two feet, confront what needs confronting, escape when I need to escape, and tolerate when I need to tolerate. I have a nephew who is driving us all insane and he triggers the living crap out of my PTSD. I spent the first two days engaging with him, and then finally figured out that the world wouldn't burn down if I just disengaged and took care of myself. Lesson learned, right?

I was talking to my mom a bit this morning about how I missed her in some ways, but that every time I missed her I made myself imagine what the trip would be like if she came. My mom nailed it when she said "you'd be managing her, just like your one sister is managing your nephew and your other sister is managing her kids and her jerk of a husband." Yep, she was right. I was the only one that was really "free" on this trip - so I took advantage of it. I felt like I was constantly managing my ex's expectations, even though she liked to claim that she was easy going and didn't need anything. I also am really starting to realize how much she used as ammunition, when we all let our hair down per se. It's a family vacation - aka tensions were high at times and people were inconsiderate at times. I can just hear all the things that would have been used against us later for those tense or inconsiderate moments.

So, as much as I was dealing with some of my own PTSD stuff and was having nightmares as a result, it was nice to manage just me. I learned that I don't need someone to help me navigate my family, I can do just fine myself. And, when it becomes time to let someone new into my life, I want a partner - someone who will navigate with me, not someone who has a storage shed full of ammunition in the back of their mind to use at a later date. I don't need the covert emotional manipulation. I don't need the person who changes who they are at the drop of a hat just to get a rise out of people or just to tell a fun story. I need a partner. A consistent, honest person who values integrity above all else. My mom and I had another fun conversation about integrity today, too, and how we strive to let it guide our action.

Vacation highlights:

1. First solo camping trip went extremely well. I pitched a tent in a beautiful national forest on the drive down to break up the drive and the campsite was almost empty. Best night of sleep I've had in a while and it was amazing to just tune out for a night. I'm doing the same on the way back, so I hope it is just as great.

2. I brought my bike with me so I had a way to "escape," and boy was it a good idea. We were one person over the limit for the van my family rented, so I got to bike the 4 miles to the beach each day by myself. It made for an awesome experience.

3. One night, I skipped out on a night with the family because my nephew was driving me nuts, and decided to go up to the beach on my bike until it got dark. The tide was high and I put my chair in the water, drank a single beer, and marveled at the beauty while I got soaked by the waves.

4. I pulled off a father's day dinner for my dad that really made him happy and we got to bond over the meal.

5. While I didn't get a ton of time with my mom, we shared some really great moments and I'm grateful that she confides in me and lets me do the same.

6. My tan is great and the daily bike ride adventures really inspired me to want to get out more when I get back.

7. I'm halfway through a book on stoicism and it's been the perfect read for this trip.

So, long story short, even though it was hard to go on this trip without my ex in some ways, I'm starting to find the silver lining and really starting to build my self-reliance back up. It was strong before I met her (which is probably why she was attracted to me), but I lost it in the relationship. Now, I'm feeling it growing in ways that almost make me grateful for the challenges.

What about you all? Any lessons you're learning lately? Anyone else temporarily lose your self-reliance and find ways to get it back?

[lighthouse9]

 

Hi folks,

My vacation is over in a few days and I've been reflecting quite a bit this trip. It hasn't been all sunshine and relaxation, and I've found myself plagued with nightmares most nights. However, just because sleeping me has felt a bit tortured, daytime me has been rolling with the punches per se.

This is the first trip I've taken without my STBXw and its a big family vacation (aka drama filled). On this trip (and in general), I'm realizing how much I relied on her as an escape from FOO stuff. Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing or a BPD thing, but it's definitely one of those things that made me vulnerable. On this trip, I've had to stand on my own two feet, confront what needs confronting, escape when I need to escape, and tolerate when I need to tolerate. I have a nephew who is driving us all insane and he triggers the living crap out of my PTSD. I spent the first two days engaging with him, and then finally figured out that the world wouldn't burn down if I just disengaged and took care of myself. Lesson learned, right?

I was talking to my mom a bit this morning about how I missed her in some ways, but that every time I missed her I made myself imagine what the trip would be like if she came. My mom nailed it when she said "you'd be managing her, just like your one sister is managing your nephew and your other sister is managing her kids and her jerk of a husband." Yep, she was right. I was the only one that was really "free" on this trip - so I took advantage of it. I felt like I was constantly managing my ex's expectations, even though she liked to claim that she was easy going and didn't need anything. I also am really starting to realize how much she used as ammunition, when we all let our hair down per se. It's a family vacation - aka tensions were high at times and people were inconsiderate at times. I can just hear all the things that would have been used against us later for those tense or inconsiderate moments.

So, as much as I was dealing with some of my own PTSD stuff and was having nightmares as a result, it was nice to manage just me. I learned that I don't need someone to help me navigate my family, I can do just fine myself. And, when it becomes time to let someone new into my life, I want a partner - someone who will navigate with me, not someone who has a storage shed full of ammunition in the back of their mind to use at a later date. I don't need the covert emotional manipulation. I don't need the person who changes who they are at the drop of a hat just to get a rise out of people or just to tell a fun story. I need a partner. A consistent, honest person who values integrity above all else. My mom and I had another fun conversation about integrity today, too, and how we strive to let it guide our action.

Vacation highlights:

1. First solo camping trip went extremely well. I pitched a tent in a beautiful national forest on the drive down to break up the drive and the campsite was almost empty. Best night of sleep I've had in a while and it was amazing to just tune out for a night. I'm doing the same on the way back, so I hope it is just as great.

2. I brought my bike with me so I had a way to "escape," and boy was it a good idea. We were one person over the limit for the van my family rented, so I got to bike the 4 miles to the beach each day by myself. It made for an awesome experience.

3. One night, I skipped out on a night with the family because my nephew was driving me nuts, and decided to go up to the beach on my bike until it got dark. The tide was high and I put my chair in the water, drank a single beer, and marveled at the beauty while I got soaked by the waves.

4. I pulled off a father's day dinner for my dad that really made him happy and we got to bond over the meal.

5. While I didn't get a ton of time with my mom, we shared some really great moments and I'm grateful that she confides in me and lets me do the same.

6. My tan is great and the daily bike ride adventures really inspired me to want to get out more when I get back.

7. I'm halfway through a book on stoicism and it's been the perfect read for this trip.

So, long story short, even though it was hard to go on this trip without my ex in some ways, I'm starting to find the silver lining and really starting to build my self-reliance back up. It was strong before I met her (which is probably why she was attracted to me), but I lost it in the relationship. Now, I'm feeling it growing in ways that almost make me grateful for the challenges.

What about you all? Any lessons you're learning lately? Anyone else temporarily lose your self-reliance and find ways to get it back?

[Lucky Jim]

I was talking to my mom a bit this morning about how I missed her in some ways, but that every time I missed her I made myself imagine what the trip would be like if she came. My mom nailed it when she said "you'd be managing her, just like your one sister is managing your nephew and your other sister is managing her kids and her jerk of a husband." Yep, she was right.

Hey lighthouse9, I'm intrigued by your Mom's perceptive observation, which suggests that you and your siblings have engaged in a lot of "managing" if not care-taking.  What do you think is the reason why all of you tend to create, or recreate, this dynamic?  In my case, I think my FOO experiences made me particularly susceptible to a BPD r/s, whereas other, healthier, guys in my position would have run for the hills.  Not me; I had to learn the hard way.

Overall, your vacation sounds very positive to me and it seems like you are on a good path towards healing.

LuckyJim

[lighthouse9]

Hey LJ,

Great observation!

In my sisters' cases, there are some long term issues that they've decided to "manage" rather than get to the bottom of, at least for now or most of the time. They're not ones to confront problems head on. I'm kind of the opposite, which probably partially explains why my discard was so quick and there were no recycles. Once my STBXw was unmasked, there was no pretending on my side that I didn't see what I saw. That doesn't mean I wouldn't have worked through it at first, but it would have been with full acknowledgment of what she did and showed she could do.

It took my ex a bit to show this side of her, and while there were small warning signs, the red flags didn't show up until after we were married, and even still felt manageable. I've run for the hills in other relationships and have in the past been able to spot when someone wasn't healthy for me. I have to hand it to my ex though, she's very smart and clearly very good at the manipulation games she plays. There was a lot of subtle gaslighting that took a long time for me to unmask.

Back to your initial observation though, the more I learn to stop care-taking issues that aren't mine or don't need care-taking, the healthier I feel. I've learned this lesson before, but unlearned it a bit in my marriage. Again, it was a subtle and gradual process. I think one of the ways I unlearned it was through some of her feigned helplessness. She's a very smart and capable woman, but always found ways to play dumb or like she didn't know how to do something. Therefore, lots of details became my responsibility. At first, she was grateful and I really liked taking care of us in that way. Then, it was turned into me being neurotic because I had to handle details and she could care less. In other words, her feigned helplessness slowly and subtly turned into a preference for "simplicity" or being "laid back." The trouble was that a lot of what she called simple living or being laid back put other people out (notably me), and I can't help now but wonder if that was part of the game all along. Whether she knew she was doing it or not really no longer matters to me.

Regardless, this trip has been good. I can see where the care-taking behavior you mentioned crosses a line between being caring and being codependent. And, I think my parents are starting to get it, too. There were enough inconsiderate moments that they feel like they don't want to do a family trip like this again. I don't blame them. Let us all work our own stuff out and ask for help when we need it.

[Cromwell]

Hi lighthouse,

Its not been easy for me the last few days, your posts always have a way to spark some inspiration. Thanks. I realised a long time ago, I really need a holiday, im thinking, 6 months in the amazon jungle alone to find myself

So, long story short, even though it was hard to go on this trip without my ex in some ways, I'm starting to find the silver lining and really starting to build my self-reliance back up. It was strong before I met her (which is probably why she was attracted to me), but I lost it in the relationship. Now, I'm feeling it growing in ways that almost make me grateful for the challenges.

^^this

I was still dreaming of the enjoyment of going abroad with my ex, shes never been anywhere. It manifested itself still when I met her on the bus and told her I need a holiday and if she had got a passport yet. She mirrored me saying she needed one as well. This moving on is not so much about an emotional and physical detachment as it is reconfiguration of dreams and plans that meant so much and accepting by my own will, they will wont be fulfilled in the way that I had hoped for - and to stop sitting around and holding out for them to magically happen but to start taking steps to make new things happen. Thanks for the inspiration Lighthouse.

[lighthouse9]

Hey Cromwell,

Great to hear from you, and I'm glad my "vacations lessons" could be of help!

I just got back from two more nights in the woods and they were awesome. I'm absolutely in love with my little one person tent that my sister and I affectionately call "the coffin." It's tiny, but it's enough room for me and that's all I need right now. It feels really good to say that.

I hear you about the changing expectations and moving on with those changed expectations. I'm definitely in that place. We got the camping gear as part of our wedding registry and she chastised me for how little we went, even though we had very good reasons for not going due to my work schedule, getting rained out, illnesses and injuries (not always mine). We originally split the gear up when we split up, but I eventually decided to just let her have all of it and let her believe that I had no real interest in camping. She had this narrative built up that I just wanted to buy stuff and that I was taunting her by getting a bunch of cool gear on the registry and not using. I think at one point she even accused me of gaslighting her by putting the gear on the registry. I'm not sure how that one works, but ok, sounds good. Keep believing what you need to believe - I've learned not to argue anymore.

Well, little did she know that I went out and bought all my own gear once I handed our registry gear over to her   The coffin was one of those purchases and it's like an outdoor version of a security blanket haha! I just feel so snug and all to myself in it. I'm pumped to plan more trips for myself. I also got to test out the cargo storage boxes I built for my SUV a few weeks ago when I was trying to distract myself from it being our anniversary weekend. They worked perfectly and I'm pretty proud of myself for building something so cool and useful on a whim!

So, where are you headed? What will you need for your trip? I'd love to hear about it!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lighthouse9, I like that "coffin" tent, which seems like a perfect place to hunker down and be yourself.  It also seems like the kind of place that you can return to in your mind during more stressful times.  We all need our "bubble," according to my T, which reflects good boundaries.

LJ

[Cromwell]

Hi Lighthouse

Im planning on going to the Medellin region in Columbia in January. I already know most of the country in that I think I have had half of it up my nose in the past few years, but I want to see the rest of it for myself, a friend I work with recommended it to me and im torn between there and the Phillipines.

It short, I dont care all too much for the destination, this is more of an "escape" than a vacation.

Going to go in January though but youve encouraged me to actually go and book it, in the meantime going to go out on the bike, weather has started to get nice here and get myself back in shape. I wouldnt like to go to a beach at the moment for fear I get wrongly identified as a surfaced whale that needs rescued pushed back into the ocean.

I like how you bought all your camping gear, a small act of defiance, ive done a few things like that, they seem silly, but theyve helped in their small way of showing a form of holding on to an identity that was being steadily eroded. I was put down for a lightbulb that only worked 50% of the time, i kept it for my new house. Ive just realised its time for it to be binned, I never throw anything away if I believe it has some sort of value, the lightbulb she criticised in her rage-mode lasted longer than she did.

I laughed a bit at your reference to the "coffin", as long as you are going in there during the night, Lighthouse and not hiding from the daylight :D

 I dont know why the idea of a holiday was something id associated with ant act of "self indulgence" but thinking about it, its a big answer towards how conditioned id allowed myself to get. the impregnated thought that anything id do for myself and not include, let me rephrase - not do principally for my ex with any happiness attached id get would be a byproduct of making her happy, well your post prompted me to think this over and realise that this thought needs a bit of detanglement. In the meantime, weather is great here, going to get out on the bike as well and book that holiday for something to look forward to.

Again thanks for the motivational post and enjoy the rest of your vacation!