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Author Topic: What advice would you give your BPD relative if he/she would listen?  (Read 942 times)
zachira
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« on: July 05, 2018, 12:59:13 AM »

Those of us who participate on this Board are struggling with a relative that has BPD. One of the biggest frustrations is our relatives with BPD rarely have any perspective on their behaviors and rarely accept constructive feedback. What would you tell your BPD relative if you could pour your heart out to him/her and he/she were willing to listen?
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Turkish
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« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2018, 02:00:33 AM »

The last year my ex and I were together my mom indicated to me that she wanted me to teach her how to be better with money.  A few years prior to that she cut up her debit card because was impulsively buying jewelry from the QVC channel. I saw the stacks of jewelry boxes in her room once. They were later stolen by one of her scum bag friends.

She also indicated to me that she needed better boundaries discerning real friends from scum bags. I validated her both times. In the end it didn't matter... .

Going back to around 1980 when in retrospect I knew she wasn't good with money and she tried to do an MLM with "space food" MREs, basically (military Meals Ready to Eat), I'd say, "the is no get rich quick scheme that works."

Around 2006, it was $5k she blew on a course to learn to trade commodities. That was the sane time I found out later that she let her property taxes lapse.

She knew better and all of us were just negative.  A friend of mine whose dad blew a lot more on the same thing (guessing the market,  not buying into a scheme) and lost tried to reason with her to no avail.  

All of their struggles could so easily have been avoided if not fur Impulsivity and fantasy thinking.  

Edit: when I was in my late 30s, she told me that the only time she may have crossed over into abuse was when I was 14. She was raging on me and I had a seizure and dropped to the ground.  Lucky it was on a dirt road and my head didn't hit pavement or a sharp rock. she took me to get evaluated and was nicer to me for maybe two weeks.  I thought about responding, "REALLY?" But I didn't say anything.  Over 20 years later, I was happy to have just survived. 
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2018, 07:22:01 AM »

I suspect that some members of my family may have traits of BPD and possibly NPD, but I can't be sure. There is behavior that baffles, hurts, and reminds me of many of the issues we talk about here. So, I thought I'd chime in, as I'm just coming off of a visit from family, in which things went pretty sideways, emotionally.    I had to take several time-outs for myself.

What I'd say to my family member(s) is probably something like this:

I care about your wellbeing, love you, and want the best for you. And my feelings, wellbeing, and comfort matter, just as much as yours.

I've begun to stop playing the role I was assigned in our family dynamic. That upsets everyone. The pressure to shut up and go back to what I usually do was so strong that I almost felt as if something broke inside of me, and in our family. And that made me feel very sad.

Something in me just couldn't participate in the dynamic anymore. And I was willing to risk the whole family's ire to stand up for myself and do things differently. I'm exhausted and I have been experiencing a lot of uncomfortable feelings, but I just keep trying to stay compassionate with myself and others (I failed many times in the thick of the conflict).

I'm here and I matter. I think that's the bottom line message that I'd like my family to understand.

Thanks for letting me share.

heartandwhole
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« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2018, 10:10:38 AM »

My answer today is so different than what it would have been last year or even 3 months ago.

Now I would simply tell them that I love them dearly but each person on the planet is responsible for their own behaviors and choices, including progress toward health and healing.

Then I would disengage and commence to taking my own advice.
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Harri
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« Reply #4 on: July 05, 2018, 10:35:19 PM »

The only thing I would want to say is No.

Just No.

No.

And have them listen.
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« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2018, 12:09:33 AM »

To my ex:

"The grass is only greener until you cross the fence." I said this on so many ways. 

"The r/s with him is at risk for violence,  given how I know you and how I perceive him to be not having met him."

Both turned out to be true eventually. At least I got acknowledgement from her later. 

I'm not some controlling Narc; I call things as I see them. 
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Angie59
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« Reply #6 on: July 07, 2018, 12:40:31 PM »

I would say to my son's girlfriend (or fiance; not sure!)

When I first met you I wanted us to have a good, healthy relationship and hoped you and my son would love each other and have a good life together.  I could tell by his face he was surely happy with you, and I was happy for him.

You have been together now for 4-1/2 years and have blessed us with your own child, who we have become to love as our own.  You then blessed us again with a beautiful grandson from my son and yourself. 

I so wanted to get close to you, learn all about you, celebrate holidays, birthdays, or whatever days, and just be a family. 

I learned over the past 4-1/2 years that so much of what I wanted will never be and this saddens me so much it is actually hard to put into words. 

I simply do not understand your actions, behavior towards us as well as my son and your children.  We have gone through so many different feelings - none of which are good; hurtful feelings, the silent treatment, feelings of exclusion, feeling like you do not like us, feeling pushed away, and feelings of sadness and concern for our son and the children. 

I don't know how to love you.  I want to, more than anything, but you seem to almost work at keeping that an impossibility.  The wounds we have suffered are fresh at the surface in spite of time that has passed.  Things seem to keep escalating in terms of what your actions are; other men in your life, evenings and trips taken with various men you want to convince everyone are just "friends," being absent from your children's lives as well as my son's, living as though you are a roommate in the home instead of a mother and significant other to my son, photos taken that are definitely in the pornographic category... .I feel I could go on and on, but you get the picture, I'm sure.   

I find myself crying a lot more lately.  Crying for the children who want and need you so much and you are absent from their lives, and I know this is going to hurt them.  It already has.  I cry for my son who is my child and is so dear to my heart because I want him to have so much more than this.  He does not deserve to be the one taking total care of both children every single night, especially when one has behavior problems and can be so difficult.  I even cry for you because I don't know why you do all of these things, but I think you are not a happy person inside.

I just wish things could be different.  I am well aware that I cannot control you, my son, the children, the circumstances, etc.  Realizing this does not, however, take away the pain from my heart. 

My son wants us to accept you and love you.  I just don't know how.

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« Reply #7 on: July 07, 2018, 04:10:23 PM »

I would tell my sister I love you and I pray you heal your wounded inner self... .
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Harri
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« Reply #8 on: July 08, 2018, 06:23:34 AM »

Mom, you don't have to live like this.  None of this is necessary.  You have options.  There is help.  Take it.  I can't keep protecting you.
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zachira
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« Reply #9 on: July 11, 2018, 12:09:27 PM »

I would tell them. I am a separate person from you with different feelings and thoughts. Please value me for who I am instead of what you wish I could be. I cannot be here for you when this relationship is all about you, and my feelings and thoughts are placed on the back burner, and your feelings of the moment are all that matter to you. I am tired of having you dump your uncomfortable feelings on me. I am not responsible for how you feel, nor am I the cause of all your problems. Please stop making up lies about me and telling them to other people so you can avoid you uncomfortable feelings about yourself. Unlike you, I am trying to be the best person I can be. Yes, I make mistakes and I try to own them so I can do better next time. Most of the time, I am a caring and kind person, and seek to surround myself with people who are caring and kind as well. I did not choose you as my mother or sibling. We are only in contact because we are immediate family. I feel your pain and I know I can't help you. You have to face your pain. Most of all, I wish you could admire and respect me for all the courageous work I have done in facing my pain and becoming a better person. Instead you have chosen to hate me, because you no longer can use me as a convenient target for your unwanted feelings. We will soon be seeing each other face to face. I will be doing my best to not upset you, yet I will be setting limits as to how much I tolerate your bad behavior, whether it is ignoring you or just plain walking away. I know there can be little or no constructive dialog on what goes on between us because you cannot accept your part in the problems, and there is little hope for change. There is hope for me though, as I continue to become more compassionate and loving towards myself and others. I extend my compassion towards you, because to hate you the way you hate me will only destroy me. Do take a look at how much happier I am because I am facing my demons. I hope some day you will face yours, and if you do, I will welcome you with open arms, and forgive you as others have forgiven me, as I have made mistakes too because I am imperfect human being just like you.
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« Reply #10 on: July 14, 2018, 06:35:35 PM »

Life doesn't have to be all about drama.

Where there is no drama, there's no need to start it.

When you 'perceive' you have a problem with someone.  Take time to think that humans are a diverse bunch and act in different ways and not everyone will think or act the way you want them to.  
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« Reply #11 on: July 14, 2018, 07:07:50 PM »

I know how hard and uncomfortable it is to face your past and to accept your own feelings, weaknesses and mistakes but it is worth it.  You are worth it.

zachira, you have no idea how much I like this thread.  Thank you for starting it.
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« Reply #12 on: July 14, 2018, 08:13:39 PM »

Get help.  Things don't have to be like this.
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Kwamina
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« Reply #13 on: July 21, 2018, 07:29:52 AM »

I would say to my uBPD mom that you do not have to prove your worthiness to anyone, as a human being you were already born worthy and you do not need to be perfect to be loved and accepted. You do not have to keep fighting this unwinnable internal battle for worthiness through perfection, attention and approval from others. The battle is already won, you are worthy.
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« Reply #14 on: July 21, 2018, 08:40:20 AM »

To my SO's uBPDxw,

I wish you could put your daughters before yourself.
I wish you could be honest.

Those 2 things could completely change your relationships with your daughters.

Panda39
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« Reply #15 on: July 21, 2018, 09:55:54 AM »

I would say to my uBPD mom that you do not have to prove your worthiness to anyone, as a human being you were already born worthy and you do not need to be perfect to be loved and accepted. You do not have to keep fighting this unwinnable internal battle for worthiness through perfection, attention and approval from others. The battle is already won, you are worthy.

Kwamina, this is beautiful and inspiring. I hope to reach this point one day with regard to my mother.

  L2T
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« Reply #16 on: July 22, 2018, 01:52:10 AM »

Thanks L2T Smiling (click to insert in post)

It would be great if we could really reach our parents through our words and heal what is so clearly broken inside of them. But even if we are not able to do that, I have found that studying and applying all the tools and lessons from this site, has allowed me to make progress and at least work on my own healing.

The Board Parrot
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« Reply #17 on: July 22, 2018, 04:32:12 AM »

What I would say? Sometimes what I do say... .You don't feel ok (right now). You feel impulsive and / put down/frustrated/ hurt. I know you have to get it out of your system. Do something good for yourself and then I will be there for you - you are such a valuable person to me. To everyone. It is sometimes difficult to show it.
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« Reply #18 on: July 22, 2018, 07:19:58 AM »

 I would say to both of them:
 Please get yourselves signed up for a DBT program faithful to the Linehan model, and after a year we will talk! Thought
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« Reply #19 on: July 31, 2018, 07:24:21 PM »

You were hurt and damaged as a child.  I am so sorry for that.  The thing is, you were responsible for what you did with your life.  I was reading earlier today that your fate is basically beyond your control but your destiny is wholly within your hands.  I have to agree.  Being bitter and vengeful is only harming you. 
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« Reply #20 on: August 01, 2018, 09:38:54 AM »

Hello Zachira!

I just wanted to say how much this thread you began has meant to me.  To open my eyes to others hurt, battles, situations, etc... .  You can hear it all coming straight from the heart.

I ended up printing mine out and read it to my older son (not the one with uBPD girlfriend).  I read it over and over to myself and to my therapist.  i could not get to the second paragraph without balling my eyes out and having to take breaks in reading it.  It brings out so much emotion each time I read it.

This has really helped me personally to put my feelings on paper and has helped me to see what others are going through as well.

Great idea and thank you so much!

Angie59
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zachira
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« Reply #21 on: August 01, 2018, 09:52:43 AM »

Thank you Angie. I am so glad this was helpful. I know there is nothing we would like more than a sincere apology from the person with BPD in our lives for all the hurt and harm he/she has caused. Unfortunately the problem lies in that our cries for having our feelings and the terrible pain inflicted heard will likely only happen with others who understand what it is like to be involved with a person with BPD.
Do keep posting here, and let us know how you are doing.
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