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Author Topic: We Wasted So Much Time - Detaching from ex  (Read 448 times)
RomanticFool
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« on: July 18, 2018, 03:18:23 AM »

We wasted so much time is a theme on my mind at the moment. It is a quote from a piece of work I am involved in currently.

As the fog clears and my emotions remain stable, it is a weird feeling not to be wondering what my ex is up to every morning. I haven’t seen her for nearly 18 months now and it’s been almost 4 weeks of NC.

In truth being NC is not an awful lot different to the last 18 months. The main thing that has changed is in my head. The fantasy is no longer alive. She was able to turn her back on a 16 year on/off r/s/friendship with  customary lack of empathy/cruelty in the end. It is kind of fitting that 16 years ago the r/s commenced with ST from her and that is how it ended - with her cutting me off FB. What happened in between was an awful lot of pain and suffering on both sides and some wonderful stolen moments of true joy, for me anyway. I never saw much evidence that she felt anything approaching that emotional state.

I am feeling my peace of mind returning. I have been physically faithful to my wife for over 18 months and some sense of normality is returning to my world. I have discovered that the absence of pain does not have to equal boredom. I feared that doing without my ex was equal to a dull and uninteresting life but the truth is the opposite. There is nothing more boring than chasing somebody constantly and hoping they will wake up one morning and suddenly love you the way you need. I still grieve the loss but I no longer feel that life is bleak without her. It was more bleak being close to her and knowing I could never have her.

I did indeed waste so much of my time chasing a woman who was never available.

RF
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Shawnlam
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« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2018, 05:55:49 AM »

Well written point of view and I can sense a form of relief from you as I read it.Honestly one of the tuffest parts to these relationships is not receiving anything back (or at least enough back),to justify it.I don’t know what’s harder, being disappointed in ourselves for falling in love with someone who can’t fathom how much they are loved, or living beside someone who can’t love is back anywhere near as much?

The takeaway is we learn (learnt) more about ourselves in these relationships  that most people will learn in a lifetime .We learn our weaknesses,strengths,and we can become better versions of ourselves for it .
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2018, 07:52:59 AM »

Hi RF,

Glad you have gotten peace of mind.  Invaluable, isn’t it?

I get what you are saying about wasting time.  Perhaps there’s another way to look at the time spent.  What do you think of the theory that we are stuck until we learn the lesson(s) that we are supposed to from our circumstances?  Maybe you have learned something about yourself that allows you to now move on.  What do you think? 

As Shawnlam says, we can be the better versions of ourselves.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway
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Mutt
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« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2018, 04:44:05 PM »

Hi RomanticFool,

Excerpt
I did indeed waste so much of my time chasing a woman who was never available.


I think that it's like anything else you learned a lesson on unrequited love. If you learn something new it may take a few hours to get it and the next time that you do it will take a few minutes because you are familiar with it.

Like the others said it's the perfect time to reconstruct yourself, you might find that you may not need as much or if any time to reflect in future romantic r/s'sm there are a lot of lessons to be learned now after breaking up with a pwBPD.

What do you think changed RomanticFool, do you value yourself more now?
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« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2018, 05:06:52 PM »

It took a huge amount of strength to sustain this type of relationship, even more so to get out of it. If it was a waste of time, it fits squarely on her side not mine, those feelings I had were genuine even if not reciprocated. It makes me feel sympathy that she spent and will spend her life not being able to have experienced the same. If anything, there is a smidgen of guilt that I see her more now as a passive observer/spectator of my happiness during the r/s - it becomes very one sided what appeared at first otherwise. Maybe in time you might discover some at the moment unapparent consolation prizes, in the form of experience for growth as shawnlam mentioned.
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RomanticFool
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« Reply #5 on: July 19, 2018, 05:26:34 AM »

Excerpt
What do you think changed RomanticFool, do you value yourself more now?

I don't think I value myself anymore than I did when our r/s started. I had some self worth back then but I placed my trust in a disordered person and hoped she would handle me with care. She didn't. So I have learnt to protect myself. Everything I have done on here has been understanding what kind of mind I am up against and how best to protect myself without hurting us both. That has largely been successful. In the end, she got bored with me not chasing, which is far better than what happened a year ago with her alleged suicide attempt and desire for drama.

I think as the years have gone by, I have witnessed in society that certain women have a diminishing respect for men, especially older men. We are seen as everything from sexual predators to power abusers by some women and I find it upsetting to witness these attitudes virtually every day in my profession. I understand where the attitudes come from. In the face of power abusers and exploiters we all get tarred with the same brush. My ex seemed to have very little respect for me at times, which is less to do with societal truisms in her case and more to do with the devaluation stage in BPD.

Yesterday something strange happened at work. I got into a heated discussion with a woman precisely around these attitudes after she told me that her agent had confided to her that he and his wife had an open r/s. She was upset at his disclosure and so I asked her if he had hit on her. She said that he hadn't but that she felt that this intimate information was inappropriate. I agreed that it was but then said that perhaps he was simply giving her information. She repeated that it was inappropriate. I said as an agent he spends all his time seeing his clients work and wasn't it only natural that he would confide in them as he was spending so much time with them? She then asked me if it was right for a man to see her as 'fair game.' I told her that wasn't what I had suggested... .Another woman then joined in the discussion and I was shot down in flames.

Later the same woman came over and gave me a hug. I felt very uncomfortable and wanted to pull away. She lingered in the hug long and strong and I had to go with it. She told me that I was a lovely man and I thanked her for the hug. It made me really miss my ex. I thought about it when I got home and wondered why this strange incident had created this yearning for my ex. Then it hit me: despite all of her madness and ST and disapproval, the times that we spent together, I felt safe with her. She never played sexual politics and she never made me feel anything other than wonderful in the bedroom. I miss the intimacy of the r/s when it was good.

Having said all of the above, the person who has suffered  most in this affair, apart from myself, is my wife. She never discovered the r/s but she has had a husband who has been psychologically absent throughout this entanglement. What I have learnt more than anything is that whatever I feel about another woman, the person I owe faith, loyalty and intimacy to is the person who has stood by me and listened to my concerns over the last 11 years (7 years married). The person I made vows to, who has been by my side and I have been on holiday with and with whom I have shared wonderful moments in life. My wife is the person who should be in my heart, mind and soul, not a woman two hundred miles away who was able to discard me as if I was of no importance in her life whatsoever, despite my willingness to sacrifice everything for her.

What has changed isn't so much that I have learnt to value myself, but rather my wife: I have realised what a wonderful person she really is. I think I always knew that intellectually but now I am starting to feel it in my heart where it matters most.
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CluelessNomore

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« Reply #6 on: July 19, 2018, 11:16:58 AM »

Do you think that maybe the person you were in love with never existed? That maybe you were in love with an idea, in love with the hope of what a relationship with her *could* be like?

Listen, I'm there with you. my wife of 16 years ended it for my a few months ago. But as time passes, I'm finding myself and realizing my role in everything, and why she couldn't love me anymore. And I'm realizing that even though there were some really good times, they were never that good, and I was always hoping for better. But it would never become reality. I was in love with something that wasn't real. And it's time to lay it to rest.

What inside of me made me choose someone like her? What am I lacking in my heart that made me desire her validation so much? As I ask myself those hard questions and answer them honestly, I heal. And in my next relationships, I will choose differently, because I will not need the validation from someone else to make me feel whole. I will already be whole.

I'm still grieving, and that's okay. A divorce is a funeral. And grieving is not wasted time. But I will move on from this and I'm already becoming a new and better person.

And you will too. Be courageous and let her go.
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #7 on: July 19, 2018, 11:56:29 AM »

Cluelessnomore, I think you are exactly right about “asking yourself the hard questions and answering them honestly “. Seeing where we were responsible and learning from that is indeed healing.  Grieving is an important step. 

I can feel myself healing, but I cycle back to grief which usually leads to contemplation, acceptance and healing.

Taking good care of ourselves and being kind to ourselves during these cycles is so important.

Growing as persons is worthy of our time and effort.

Mustbe
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Mutt
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« Reply #8 on: July 19, 2018, 01:29:15 PM »

Excerpt
I think as the years have gone by, I have witnessed in society that certain women have a diminishing respect for men, especially older men.

I didn't buy into the #MeToo Movement, don't get me wrong some of the men are guilty of the accusations, I'll use your expression painting in the same brush can we paint every one that was accused in the same brush? Are we absolutely certain that they are all guilty of these accusations without a trial and jury? What I have a problem with is that you are innocent until proven guilty in society and men were losing their careers and they were automatically guilty.

I had the same problem and I still struggle with boundaries, I didn't have boundaries and in a way I was expecting others to know exactly what I needed so I was putting my self care in the hands of others. It sounds like you're making progress and I can understand putting your value back into your marriage. Going back to your original point  would you have made the self realisation that you needed boundaries or needed to tweak them? Did that realisation come to light because you were detaching from your pwBPD?
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BeagleGirl
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« Reply #9 on: July 19, 2018, 05:37:27 PM »

I tend to believe that the time in my relationship and then detaching from it was very valuable.  Out of that relationship came two beautiful sons and nearly 28 years of experiences that shaped who I am.  The detaching has been excruciating, but I believe that has also shaped me into a stronger and more compassionate person.

Don't get me wrong, I have often wished that I left my marriage earlier.  I have wished back those years of pain and confusion.  I have wished that I had allowed the marriage to fall apart so that we might have rebuilt it on a stronger foundation.  I have wished for the opportunity to be with someone who wanted more children and a partnership in raising them before my biological clock struck midnight and my ovaries turned into pumpkins. 

But at the end of the day, I am who I am largely because of my experiences.  Since I've grown to like myself pretty well, I can't complain (much) about the path it took to get me here. 

On the topic of your conversation with your female colleague and #MeToo... .I'm going to add a female voice to the conversation.  I 100% agree with Mutt that it is a tragedy that we have neglected the concept of innocent until proven guilty in so many of these cases.  I have two sons and I hate to imagine what would happen to them if they were wrongly accused.  I also think it's a shame that we leave very little room for personal growth and reformation in men who may have behaved inappropriately 20 years ago, are willing to admit and apologize for their behavior, and have not continued in that pattern of behavior. 

That said, I think it can be difficult for men (especially those who would never behave in that manner) to understand what it can be like for a woman to be in the "gray area" situations that occur on a much more regular basis than you would imagine.  I have a pretty thick skin when it comes to innuendo and "off color" talk.  To some extent I'm "one of the guys" and hear my fair share of their assessment of other women.  Where I start to feel uncomfortable is when it is one on one and there is an implication that there is something "more" desired.  I have had a colleague reveal the number of years it's been since he's had sex with his wife.  I don't see that as an appropriate "sharing" topic.  It wasn't an out and out proposition, which I could probably have handled better.  I have never felt "safe" with him since.  I've had customer proposition me.  It impacted my ability to do my job. 

I'm pretty much with your female colleague on this one.  I don't see any scenario where I would not perceive a male colleague telling me he had an open marriage as "friendly discussion". 

It may also help to know that I, and many women I've spoken with on this topic, feel ill equipped to handle these types of situations.  Most men think "You just tell they guy you're not interested and to buzz off".  Most women admit that their response in tense situations like this is to smile and try to diffuse the situation.  Men tend to respond to fear with aggression, women with appeasement.  I can totally understand why this is confusing to men, but I also know that response pattern is deeply ingrained. 

Sorry to take the discussion off topic, but I couldn't help but chime in.

BG
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