Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 02:25:48 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: 1 2 [All]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Would you consider this behavior frightening?  (Read 1257 times)
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« on: July 10, 2018, 08:22:10 PM »

I believe my husband has uBPD. We have a 2 year old son together. He grabs things from our son a lot and taunts him by holding them above his head where he cannot reach or behind his back and not giving them back, making our son screach and he (husband) sometimes mocks him by parroting his screach back to him. My husband also seems to like reaching his arms between my sons legs when they play, and the other night he had his hand on his crotch while watching TV. My husbands excuse, when confronted, was that our son was wearing a diaper and so it was okay. The taunting he calls "discipline." Does anyone else think these behaviors are reasons to be alarmed, or are these normal father-son interactions?
Logged
Donalith

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 35


« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2018, 09:29:11 PM »

Welcome! Hopefully you'll find some good help and advice here.

What you describe does not sound "normal" to me but I don't what else to call it other than your husband sounds like an ass.
Logged
BeagleGirl
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 570



« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2018, 08:10:05 AM »

NeedsHelp,
I can definitely see how it could be frightening, but I can also see how it could be lack of awareness/parenting skill, a "normal" (but maybe not appropriate) father challenging son, or inappropriate but "spun" to seem innocent.  I'm a big proponent of trusting your gut when it comes to the health/safety of your kids.  

It's nowhere near the same, but I remember taking my oldest to urgent care when he was 6 months old and saying to the nurse "Something's wrong with him.  He cried for 5 minutes straight." while he's laying there cooing, smiling and even holding onto his toes when they took his temperature rectally.  The nurse looked at me like I was crazy.  No fever, kid looks perfectly happy.  Then they check his ears.  He had a full blown ear infection in both ears with enough inflammation that they thought one of his eardrums might burst.  

If you aren't already, I would advise documenting these instances.  Have you talked to your uBPDh about the frustration you see S2 experiencing when they are playing "keep away" and trying to come to an agreement on the point at which he should give the object back?  What was his response?
BG
Logged
flourdust
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: In the process of divorce after 12 year marriage
Posts: 1663



« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2018, 12:24:34 PM »

This sounds sadistic to me.
Logged

Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2018, 12:53:09 PM »

Looks like abuse ( emotional and covert sexual ) .

I doubt your H is acting in a sexual way with your son but he’s not respecting your son’s physical boundaries. Children that age do need to be changed, washed, get a physical exam but without a reason that benefits the child - his privates are private. Since he is so young and has his diaper changed he’s not likely to be upset by this but if it doesn’t stop he will likely find it distressing and confusing to have his parent do this and he may be afraid to tell his father no. You want him to learn he can and should say no to someone inappropriately touching him there and this mixes up the message.

Your H is probably not intentionally trying to harm him. He doesn’t see it as wrong because probably someone did it to him. People with poor boundaries can get this from how they were treated as children. His actions may not be intentional. Is it possible the two of you can get to  a parenting class together or a counselor who can teach boundaries without shaming your H or making him confess to something he does not understand. If this doesn’t stop I’d be concerned about your son. I also agree with documenting these incidents in case you need to take this farther legally to protect your son.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2018, 10:51:29 PM »

In a word as a dad: No.

I agree with Notwendy that this likely isn't sexual abuse, but it's crossing body part private boundaries. The mocking (playing, your H might say) is another issue. 

What are you thinking of doing of he doesn't stop?

Maybe we collectively can think of a way to communicate this to your H. Thoughts, community?
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2018, 07:26:47 AM »

That's a tough one because it seems to be a general boundary issue as well as how the H was possibly raised in his own family.

Also because it is an evolving thing. A two year old is diapered, bathed, and cuddled. A teen ager is not. We don't leave a small child alone in the bathtub but an older child has privacy. As kids grow, they assert their own boundaries. Those of us with older kids recall the time the child wanted to dress themselves, go to the bathroom alone, bathe themselves. I think as parents, we take our cues about when to stop supervising dressing and bathing from the kids. They have a sense of their own boundaries and we validate them.

Likewise with teasing and mocking. A child will say "no" "don't do that" "stop". This is the child asserting his boundaries. A parent with poor boundaries may not know to respect that.

I think for many people with poor boundaries, they grew up in families with poor boundaries and so they didn't have their own boundaries respected or validated. The behavior is then passed from one generation to the next with no real awareness that it is anything wrong because it is normal for them. This is why saying something may not be effective. He has to know it wasn't right in the first place.

I don't think he wants to harm his child, and would like to have a good relationship with him. Perhaps drawing on that desire could help. Is there a parenting class in the community that addresses topics like teasing, how to teach a child to prevent child abuse by recognizing when touch is appropriate or not. When is a child old enough to dress himself, and other topics. They could go together and not have the H singled out.
Logged
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #7 on: July 21, 2018, 06:55:02 AM »




What are you thinking of doing of he doesn't stop?

Maybe we collectively can think of a way to communicate this to your H. Thoughts, community?

Many other frightening things have happened and my husband always becomes defensive, has an "excuse" or threatens to separate or divorce or claims I am not allowing him to "discipline" my son if I confront him. Right now I am down to constantly watching and listening to what is going on and trying to create some type of distraction ("dinner is ready" "hey look at that" hoping he will stop the behavior. It is hard to live like this. I am considering leaving (filing divorce) but am so afraid of what will happen to my son during visitation.
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2839


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #8 on: July 21, 2018, 04:46:58 PM »

Excerpt
Many other frightening things have happened and my husband always becomes defensive, has an "excuse" or threatens to separate or divorce or claims I am not allowing him to "discipline" my son if I confront him.

Can you tell us more about what you've noticed going on?  So far I'm in agreement that it sounds like a lack of boundaries and probably isn't intentional, rather a learned behaviour.  A learned behaviour can be un learned though and something else learned in it's place.  How healthy are your boundaries?  As the healthier partner it's down to us to lead by example and set the tone for healthy interaction.  Could you use some support on specific incidences you wish to tackle?  This is the place to run through how to approach and handle situations.  

I can totally relate to your fears and concerns.  My ex partner, and son's father has NPD traits and is mean.  I'd describe him as a playground bully when we were together.  He seemed to take pleasure from doing hurtful things.  I can imagine him taunting and upsetting my son and thinking it's funny without realising the impact this has on S4 as he isn't able to empathise.  We have a shared care arrangement and it has taken me a long time (3 years!) to come to a place of acceptance that I can only do my best to be a good role model and a dependable stable influence upon my son and that is as much as I can control.  

I used to torment myself trying to get his father to 'see the light' and to influence his parenting style, to no avail.  It only served to exhaust and frustrate me.  I know he loves our son and wants to be a good father.  His ideas of what that look like and mine are poles apart on certain things, especially around S4's emotional wellbeing.  

Now I no longer feel as upset about those things I cannot control, but it has taken a lot of work with a good counsellor to get me to this place.  It's great that you're reaching out for support.  Share all you need to.  We're listening.  
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Growing a pair

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 7


« Reply #9 on: July 21, 2018, 09:21:53 PM »

Yes... .this behavior would frighten me. Bear in mind that some people w/BPD were abused sexually in some way from minor boundary crossing to full blown sexual abuse. Do you know if this could be true of your husband?
Logged
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #10 on: July 21, 2018, 09:50:29 PM »

Bear in mind that some people w/BPD were abused sexually in some way from minor boundary crossing to full blown sexual abuse. Do you know if this could be true of your husband?

I do not know for sure, but he has grabbed and rubbed my son's inner thighs right up to his groin area to give him a "leg massage" when he was in a high chair. My son cried and kicked, but was trapped. When I tried to confront him he threatened to leave. He later said that it was "disciplining" him. My husband has toldme that his mother wanted him to "act like her boyfriend" but he never specified what that meant. I am starting to wonder now. I don't think he would admit to being sexually abused if he had been.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #11 on: July 21, 2018, 10:38:07 PM »

Excerpt
My husband has toldme that his mother wanted him to "act like her boyfriend"

While an honest admission, that's a  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) in combination with his behavior. He's opening up about something inappropriate about his childhood.  Can you see that as a validation target to learn more? "What do you mean? In what ways did your mother expect you to act like her boyfriend? How did you feel about that?"

Maybe members can help SET that up. 
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #12 on: July 23, 2018, 06:01:13 AM »

 Can you see that as a validation target to learn more? "What do you mean? In what ways did your mother expect you to act like her boyfriend? How did you feel about that?"

Maybe members can help SET that up. 

Yes, I can see that. It has been a while since he said that. We don't have many conversations other than small talk these days, as I never know what topics may lead to defensiveness and threats of divorce. I could use some help setting that conversation up. I need to know more to help keep my son aa safe as possible.
Logged
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #13 on: July 23, 2018, 06:13:27 AM »

  Have you talked to your uBPDh about the frustration you see S2 experiencing when they are playing "keep away" and trying to come to an agreement on the point at which he should give the object back?  What was his response?
BG

I have not had a talk with him about the "keep away." The last time I tried to explain to him he was making our son cry, he threw it back on me and said I was critisizing his parenting and he had "enough of it" and was leaving. I have just been coming up with creative ways to always be around and come up with distractions when his behavior is concerning. it is wearing me down and I don't think I can do it forever and stay sane.
Logged
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #14 on: July 23, 2018, 06:21:25 AM »

This sounds sadistic to me.

I seriously believe there is more than one "him" and I never know who I am dealing with and still have not figured out a way to tell. I am trying to, for the sake of my son. If we divorce, and he has visitation, my son will have to deal with this. And how is a preschooler supposed to understand if I, as an adult, cannot.
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2839


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #15 on: July 28, 2018, 08:29:40 AM »

Hi,

I'm wondering how things are going for you?  Have you had any other situations since you last posted?  What does daily life look like for you?  I can imagine that it is exhausting trying to be in front of this and the anxiety must be wearing.  

Have you thought about calling a helpline to discuss what you've observed at home with your husband and son to get some other input from a professional who deals with domestic abuse?  I know that may be a frightening prospect, however if you are scared of what is happening then perhaps they can give you some advice around how to deal with it and explain to you whether what you're observing would be classed as a risk.

Excerpt
If we divorce, and he has visitation, my son will have to deal with this. And how is a preschooler supposed to understand if I, as an adult, cannot.

If there is deemed a risk of harm, then there are ways and means that a parent can have supervised visitation in order to protect the child whilst allowing for a relationship.  The same professionals I mention above would be able to talk you through this or give you support services to contact regards these processes.

Can you give us a typical example of how you would react when one of these instances occurs?  What would you say exactly?

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #16 on: July 30, 2018, 06:11:21 AM »


 Have you had any other situations since you last posted?  What does daily life look like for you?  I can imagine that it is exhausting trying to be in front of this and the anxiety must be wearing.  


Yes, there is almost always some kind of awkward/inapprpriate interaction between H and S on a nightly basis. I try to plan activities to keep them occupied or get H to do things in public with us, where his behavior is typically not as bad. The way he speaks can be very condescending and I am not sure how you can prove that with no witnesses around, other than myself. My son is still learning right from wrong, but I can tell he picks up on the tone because he lowers his head and tries to turn away. I am getting very exhausted, but trying to hang in there until I have more certainty on a way to keep him safe while I am not around.
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #17 on: July 30, 2018, 07:31:20 AM »

I think the comment that your H's mother wanted him to act like her boyfriend is very revealing that your H was subjected to at least emotional incest if not more.

I am pretty sure my BPD mother was sexually abused. She never talked about it and since she is elderly, if there was an abuser, they are no longer alive. I suspect this because of her own behavior.


Sexual abuse does not have to be physical to be damaging.
Logged
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #18 on: July 30, 2018, 07:55:24 AM »


I am pretty sure my BPD mother was sexually abused. She never talked about it.


I am pretty sure my H was as well, but I do not think I could get him to talk about it anymore. I just don't see how someone would find it appropriate to rub a toddler's inner thighs like that and not stop or feel bad when he jumped and kcked in his high chair, unless an adult gave him inner thigh rubs like that when he was young and made him think it was normal.
Logged
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #19 on: July 30, 2018, 08:16:11 AM »


If there is deemed a risk of harm, then there are ways and means that a parent can have supervised visitation in order to protect the child whilst allowing for a relationship.  


Yes, I can guarantee you from what I have seen there is a major risk of harm. I do understand that completely removing a parent from a child's life can be psychologically harmful. I have been trying to think creatively about how they could still visit, but with someone trustworthy around to oversee. I cannot think of anyone I know and am positive my H would not agree. He has no siblings or other family members he is close with besides his BPD mother. They would want alone time with S to fill their own emptiness, rather than enrich S's life. Trying so hard to think of a solution that is best for my S. Any ideas would be appreciated.
Logged
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #20 on: July 30, 2018, 08:22:20 AM »

Yes, I can guarantee you from what I have seen there is a major risk of harm. I do understand that completely removing a parent from a child's life can be psychologically harmful. I have been trying to think creatively about how they could still visit, but with someone trustworthy around to oversee. I cannot think of anyone I know and am positive my H would not agree. He has no siblings or other family members he is close with besides his BPD mother. They would want alone time with S to fill their own emptiness, rather than enrich S's life. H's mother spent H's  childhood telling him how "horrible" his father was and how much better off he was not knowing him. I suspect time alone would also be spent trying to convince my S of how "horrible" I am. I am trying so hard to think of a solution that is best for my S. Any ideas would be appreciated.
Logged
AnuDay
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Almost Recovered
Posts: 240


WWW
« Reply #21 on: July 30, 2018, 11:38:58 AM »

I have never seen a man interact with a 2 year old son that way.  You're going to have to figure out how to get your husband in for counseling, maybe family counseling is in order here.  The only thing I'm not sure about is your interpretation of the situation(s).  If you can get someone else to witness these events it would be good confirmation.  But like Beaglegirl said, ultimately you have to trust your instinct. 
Logged
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #22 on: July 31, 2018, 06:14:54 AM »



Have you thought about calling a helpline to discuss what you've observed at home with your husband and son to get some other input from a professional who deals with domestic abuse?  

Can you give us a typical example of how you would react when one of these instances occurs?  What would you say exactly?


I have called a helpline and visited a shelter. They wanted me to file for protective orders and stay there. He has threatened divorce when I talked about the frightening behavior in the past, so I usually try to find distractions to make him stop and avoid conflict. I asked the person at the shelter what would likely happen regarding H having visitation with my son. She said there would be no guarantee visits would be unsupervised. She advised me to speak with an attorney before filing protective orders if that was a concern. The attorney I spoke with said there would need to be evidence of significant physical abuse. I cannot snap a photo when these things happen and I never know when they will.
Logged
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #23 on: July 31, 2018, 06:24:49 AM »


I have never seen a man interact with a 2 year old son that way.  You're going to have to figure out how to get your husband in for counseling, maybe family counseling is in order here. 


Me neither, and this is what makes me feel like I am going crazy. We did marriage counseling for 7 months and things were extremely intense around our house and got physically violent during that period and he threatened divorce several times. His behavior toward me has gotten slightly better since we stopped counseling, but now his behavior toward my son is more alarming. Maybe family counseling with a planned exit if he threatens again? He can be so nice and charming one day, then the next cold and distant. I never know what I will be dealing with or where his mind is at, so it's nearly impossible to have a productive "talk" with him.
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2839


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #24 on: August 02, 2018, 10:06:33 AM »

In my country, children's services would likely be involved and contact can be arranged to take place in a contact centre, which is a supervised environment.  I'd advise you to look into this where you are if possible.  I'd also be surprised to find that if a protective order is issued that the parent on the receiving end of such an order be allowed to have unsupervised visits.  I'd encourage you to further explore this.  Meantime I'm sure you must be feeling at your wits end if these things are daily occurrences.  Can you invite a friend for dinner to observe them together?

Quote from: NeedsHelp
We did marriage counseling for 7 months and things were extremely intense around our house and got physically violent during that period and he threatened divorce several times. His behavior toward me has gotten slightly better since we stopped counseling, but now his behavior toward my son is more alarming.

Do you still have a domestic abuse advocate from a local service?  If not, I'd advise you to reach out for that help as they will be able to aid you in creating a safety plan for yourself and your son.  I think you need ongoing support for yourself as the fact that he has been violent towards you in the past only adds to the risk of harm.  o you feel safe right now, NeedsHelp?

I'm going to recommend that you complete the MOSAIC threat assessment to help you to establish what the situation is that you're dealing with right now.  I know it can feel surreal as these sorts of things are happening.  Nobody teaches us how to cope with abuse in the home.  We only learn about these things after the fact when all the impact has occurred.  The assessment will give you a score to help you to understand the level of severity.  I found it very helpful.  Will you let us know the score?

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #25 on: August 03, 2018, 06:40:46 AM »


 I'm sure you must be feeling at your wits end if these things are daily occurrences.

 Do you feel safe right now, NeedsHelp?

I'm going to recommend that you complete the MOSAIC threat assessment


Yes, I have been for quite some time now. Without going into detail, I will just say generally exhausted and tring to pretend it's all okay and normal, hoping this will help my S not feel upset.

I do not feel physically threatened at the moment, but for the past few days my S has woken from his nap sobbing and not wanting to leave his room. He clings to me and wants to be carried out. I have had to come up with creative ways to help him stay out of the living and dining rooms when H comes home because that is where he usually gets overly aggressive and frightens or intimidates him. I am pretty sure the sobbing and the way he is intensely staring at me before clinging is sign my S is feeling threatened. He has never been a cry baby and is trying to communicate his feelings the only way he knows how.

I do not have much time to be on here right now. How long does the test take? Thank you for the help.

Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2839


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #26 on: August 03, 2018, 07:55:18 PM »

It didn't take me long to complete it.  I'm pretty sure you can save part way through if you need to and return to it if you had to log off quickly.  Hope to hear an update from you when you're able.  Are you browsing safely?

Sorry to hear that your S is behaving this way.  That has to be upsetting for you to see him demonstrating these signs.  Yes kids do find ways to show us that they feel a need for extra security and reassurance.  He sees you as his safe place.  Let him cling if that is what he needs.   

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #27 on: August 04, 2018, 06:12:51 AM »


Are you browsing safely?


I am not sure how to tell. I am going through a 4g connection, but my phone is on a family plan. It does make me nervous. I am not sure how to know if it is "safe." Do you?

Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #28 on: August 04, 2018, 11:14:47 PM »

This is kind of nerdy, but it looks like it may be possible with some effort on the other side:
https://www.spyzie.com/browsing-history/check-browsing-history-on-different-browsers.html

No Non-registered member can see the Family Law board posts, however, as it's hidden from the Internet. 

I used to log into the site on our shared desktop, but I'd delete my browsing history, which likely wasn't even necessary in my case.  You know your H best though. From what you've written,  I wouldn't see that he's installed a 3rd party app to attempt to view your history.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #29 on: August 05, 2018, 05:50:22 PM »

Hi NeedsHelp,

Turkish is right you have to be savvy to monitor activity, you would to have access to the other person's phone to install the software to see their browsing history, do you have a passcode on your phone?
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #30 on: August 05, 2018, 09:51:41 PM »

Hi NeedsHelp,

Turkish is right you have to be savvy to monitor activity, you would to have access to the other person's phone to install the software to see their browsing history, do you have a passcode on your phone?

Yes, I have a passcode. The phone is one he gave me though. I am not sure how to tell if there are spy apps on it. He is pretty savvy. I am not.
Logged
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18071


You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #31 on: August 06, 2018, 11:20:39 AM »

I cannot snap a photo when these things happen and I never know when they will.

Yes, disordered people are experts at catching us off guard and unprepared.  Back during my high conflict years all I had was a camcorder, camera and voice recorders.  Only the VRs could be concealed in a pocket.  These days, there are a huge number of video and audio recorders disguised as all sorts of things.  For years there have been pencams for shirt pockets, which even wrote.  Recently I saw a variety of other items which maybe would work for you.  You could then preserve any recordings which caught a concerning incident.
Logged

NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #32 on: August 08, 2018, 06:40:00 AM »


 Hope to hear an update from you when you're able. 


I took the assessment and score was 8 out of 10. His behavior is always changing and he goes through periods of negativity and agitation. He acts "normal" just long enough to make me think I am going crazy and wish that what is going on is not real.
Logged
Radcliff
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3377


Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #33 on: August 09, 2018, 12:07:32 AM »

NeedsHelp,

I'm sorry for the tough situation you find yourself in, and am impressed by the thoughtful way you are going about learning how to best protect your son.  You've asked questions about custody and visitation.  An excellent book to read is Don't Alienate the Kids, by Bill Eddy.  It gives a good view of the landscape when dealing with custody and parenting partners with personality disorders.  Your situation, where you are concerned about real abuse, is a minority case for that book.  Eddy deals with both perceived abuse risk (which can be overblown and lead to overly extreme legal positions) and actual abuse.  He doesn't offer as much guidance on actual abuse, but it's an excellent primer nonetheless.

A protective order can have a variety of protections.  You can have no visits, professionally supervised visits, nonprofessionally supervised visits (an adult friend or relative), and unsupervised visits.

You will have the most success interfacing with lawyers, evaluators, and other professionals if you focus on behaviors, present very specific descriptions of what has happened on what dates, saying that you want your husband to have a healthy relationship with your son, but you want the unhealthy behaviors to stop.  From what you've described, I would be building a case for professionally supervised visitation.  Professionals are trained to watch for inappropriate behavior.  If he behaves inappropriately during supervised visitation, it should be documented, and the supervisor should be available to talk to a custody evaluator.  If you ever do a custody evaluation, make sure that the evaluator observes your son in a session with your husband.

Do you have a journal of your observations, with dates for each incident?  If not, no worries, start now.  You can begin with a general summary of the types of behaviors you've seen that you told us.  Then keep a daily journal, with detailed descriptions.

There is a legal principle called "duty to care" that means you are responsible for asking for outside help if your child is being abused.  I'm not saying that to scare you, but as you gather evidence, whether the law says to or not, I know as a parent you'll face the decision about when to stop collecting evidence and act.  Too soon, and you will be less effective in protecting your son.  Too late, and you'll leave him at risk longer than necessary and potentially expose yourself to legal jeopardy (again, I'm not trying to scare you, it's best to consult professionals like your lawyer who know how this is handled locally).  It sounds like your husband is generating incidents at a pretty fast pace, though, so it shouldn't take too long to gather enough examples to paint a picture of what's going on.

ForeverDad has an excellent suggestion about a hidden camera.  I've heard them called "nanny cams."  Is that something you would consider?  You may need to make a case without video evidence, but it's worth its weight in gold.

Your son's latest behavior changes are concerning.  Given what you know, do you have a sense of how long you want to gather documentation and continue learning before it is time to ask for outside help?

WW
Logged
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #34 on: August 09, 2018, 06:34:03 AM »

NeedsHelp,

Do you have a journal of your observations, with dates for each incident? 

There is a legal principle called "duty to care" that means you are responsible for asking for outside help if your child is being abused. Too late, and you'll leave him at risk longer than necessary and potentially expose yourself to legal jeopardy.

ForeverDad has an excellent suggestion about a hidden camera.  Is that something you would consider?  You may need to make a case without video evidence, but it's worth its weight in gold.

Your son's latest behavior changes are concerning.  Given what you know, do you have a sense of how long you want to gather documentation and continue learning before it is time to ask for outside help?

WW

I did start a journal, and am doing my best to keep up with it.

So far, I have consulted with a local shelter about the incidents. They said we could go there any time. They understand I have not left yet because the attorney I was able to speak with said I would need evidence of "significant" physical abuse (bruises, burns, cuts) to get supervised visits. I am going to try to speak with a different attorney soon. I stay home with my son and am pretty sure I am being tracked on GPS, but am not sure how to prove that or if it even matters. It makes it difficult to visit an attorney.

I would consider hidden camera, but I don't think it is legal in my state.

I was trying to stick it out until my son is old enough to tell me if something bad happens unsupervised, but I am not sure if he will ever do that if he has no self confidence. I am afraid H's behavior is eating away at that already. I need to decide how much more to take, but am so afraid of him having to be alone with his father and not having the skills to understand or cope with his father's behavior or even know it is wrong.

Thank you for your help
Logged
Harley Quinn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2839


I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #35 on: August 09, 2018, 12:31:52 PM »

I am going to try to speak with a different attorney soon. I stay home with my son and am pretty sure I am being tracked on GPS, but am not sure how to prove that or if it even matters. It makes it difficult to visit an attorney.

Do you mean GPS in your car or phone?  Could you use public transport, or leave the car somewhere you'd go often then walk or take a taxi to the location?  If you have concerns about your phone, it could be worth visiting a tech guru and having them take a look.  Do you know anyone who is great with that stuff?  A friend's husband perhaps?  Believing you're being tracked has to be very unnerving.  Is it possible he just wants you to think that to control your movements?

Love and light x
Logged

We are stars wrapped in skin.  The light you are looking for has always been within.
Radcliff
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3377


Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #36 on: August 21, 2018, 05:54:22 PM »

Hello NeedsHelp,

It's been a while.  How are you doing?

WW
Logged
NeedsHelp
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 105


« Reply #37 on: August 26, 2018, 06:49:22 AM »


Coud you use public transport, or leave the car somewhere you'd go often then walk or take a taxi to the location? 

Believing you're being tracked has to be very unnerving.  Is it possible he just wants you to think that to control your movements?

Love and light x

That is a good idea I had not thought of. I had arranged to visit with another attorney, then my transportation and childcare fell through so I couldn't go.

He goes through "periods" of suspicion is the best way I can describe it. He will go through a week or two in a row where he just pulls up RIGHT behind me in the driveway like he was watching my GPS and question my whereabouts during this period, then he will get distracted by other things and back off for a while. It is very unnerving.
Logged
Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #38 on: September 14, 2018, 12:46:35 PM »

Staff only

This thread has been locked as it has reached the post limit.

Part 2 can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329190.0;all
Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 2 [All]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!