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Author Topic: It's 4:00 a.m. My mind is rambling and I hate my sibling.  (Read 369 times)
Venetian

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« on: July 14, 2018, 03:27:11 AM »

Hi.  Right now it's 4:00 in the morning and I cannot sleep.   My mind is focused on my niece and my BPD sister.   Since last Saturday, my BPD sister has cut off contact between my niece and me.   I don't mind not communicating with my sister, but I am heartbroken about my niece, whom I love very much and I know loves me in return.   Anyway, that's not the point of this post.   

Right now, I'm very angry with my sister, who is quite vindictive and has been this way all her life.   In addition to being angry, I find myself truly hating her.   We're both middle-aged, but we have been at odds our whole life.   We fought like cats and dogs growing up.   When we entered adulthood, we both basically just ignored each other, which was quite easy since we lived in separate towns, miles away from one another.   Then she had this beautiful child and we briefly connected again.  The detente didn't last long.   Soon, as is always the case, she got into a hissy fit and got mad at me and the family over something (can't remember what now), and relations between us soured.   My BIL has been the liasion between me and my niece.  Unfortunately, my BIL works out of town and only sees his daughter on weekends.   This leaves my niece with only her mother, who does much damage in the way of emotional and verbal abuse.   God only knows what brainwashing she is doing to her child, talking about me.

Anyway, I find myself wishing my BPD sister dead.   I know it's awful.   I know I should have compassion toward her since she is damaged.   And, I know that if she were not my sister and had she not inflicted such harm to her family (spouse, child, parents, siblings), I would feel differently about her.   So, I'm feeling guilty about my hatred toward my sister.   And, I know that this hatred makes me no better than her.   In fact, it probably places me in the same category of awfulness as her.   I go to a therapist, so I do discuss these feelings with her.   While it helps to express my feelings to my T, it still doesn't help when I wake up in the middle of the night feeling rage toward my sister.   Then I think about how awful my niece would feel if my sister actually did die, and that makes me feel guilty.   My niece loves her mom very much, despite the pain she causes her.  And, I wouldn't want to see my niece in pain. 

I'm trying to find love for my sister, or at least a modicum of compassion toward her.   But the truth is that I never had much love for her, as she was always mean to me growing up, and she inflicted much pain on me and my family members.  Does anyone else out there feel guilty for not loving their BPD sibling?   How do you deal/cope with it?   
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Learning2Thrive
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« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2018, 07:00:38 AM »

Hi.  Right now it's 4:00 in the morning and I cannot sleep.   My mind is focused on my niece and my BPD sister.  

Yes , I am familiar with sleepless nights and early morning ruminating. I’m sorry you are experiencing this.

Excerpt
Does anyone else out there feel guilty for not loving their BPD sibling?   How do you deal/cope with it?  

I have a sister who is diagnosed with BPD traits. We were very close when we were young, but I always felt something was off. She would have periodic perceptions that were not based in reality. It was very confusing at the time because we were little and had no understanding of mental illness. Besides, our much more disturbed parents kept us more focused on survival of their physical and mental abuses. I love my sister very much. I miss her dearly—the sweet girl that is there inside her most of the time. At this time, we are NC because it is not safe for my healing and recovery to be in contact. I do hope one day there will be a reconciliation, but I will not accept abuse or putting myself in unsafe situations ever again.

The things that have helped me cope:  Acceptance that I can not change anyone but me. Grieving the deepest losses of familial love. Holding space open for hope in the future knowing I can not fix this. Meditation: I lovingly release the past. I use thought control to stop myself from trying to figure out mental illnesses of others; instead, focusing my efforts on me (self care and kindness) so I can heal and become my best authentic self.

Venetian, when you look at the survivor’s guide —>
where do you find yourself?

It takes time and effort, but it does get better. We are here to listen, support you and offer helpful resources.

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Venetian

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« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2018, 08:19:22 AM »

To be honest, I'm not sure where I fall on the Survivors Guide to the right of this screen.   I've read this over a few times, and I am perplexed.   I'm just so angry at my sister and so concerned for my niece's welfare, that I can't think straight about where I fall on this list.  Sorry.   I know that I cannot change my sister's behavior, but I worry a lot about my niece.  Since I'm unable to see my niece, I have to hope, pray, and trust that God, the Universe, Whatever, Whomever, will look out for her.   I'm just incredibly distressed and despondent right now, and I feel hopeless.   I know this feeling will pass, but I'm in Hell right now. 
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Learning2Thrive
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« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2018, 09:14:41 AM »

  Take a deep breath and try to slow your breathing and your mind. I find that it helps to do something physical to help me bring my thoughts back to center. I ride my bike. Sometimes I swim. Sometimes I do something creative like sewing or quilting. Sometimes I cook a special dinner for my family. Sometimes I put on a guided meditation and soak in an Epsom bath.

What one thing can you do to take care of you today? Since you already mentioned you know that letting your thoughts run through hell won't change anything, what can you do for you?  It feels weird to force ourselves to do this, but it can be done. It really does help and it gets easier with practice.

You can do this, Venetian.

I had one more thought. Someone mentioned in a previous thread the idea of creating a journal of letters to your neice. I think this would help you quite a lot. When things change or when she becomes an adult you will be able to give her such a priceless gift.  What do you think?
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Venetian

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« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2018, 10:22:08 AM »

I will take your advice and go outside for a walk.  It’s a beautiful day.  I think perhaps I need to step away from this site for a day.  I just discovered this site last week, and I think I have spent too much time reading people’s posts.  I need to detach for awhile.  Thank you.
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Harri
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« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2018, 10:39:48 PM »

Hi Venetian.  It is good to take a break from this site when you need to.  It is even better that you recognized the need to do so. 

Just in case you read this, I do want to say that your hate is, I think, a normal reaction to very abnormal happenings.  Your hatred does not define you nor does it make you no better than your sister.  Feelings just are.  I used to want my mother to die, just so the abuse would stop.  Normal. 

Don't forget, you are also dealing with a lot of buried or undealt with trauma from your own childhood.  I remember you saying that the situation with your niece brought up a lot of old stuff.  That too is normal.  As hard as it is to deal with all of the emotions, the fact that you are having them is a good thing.  It means you are at a point where you can deal with this.  They are signals of what you need to work on for you to heal.  It is incredibly difficult I know, but you can get through this.

Keep being good to you and don't over do the reading here.  I hope your walk was peaceful and relaxing for you.
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Turkish
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« Reply #6 on: July 15, 2018, 12:31:56 AM »

Underlying every feeling there is a need.  What do you think that your need is?
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Venetian

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« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2018, 06:19:34 AM »

Thank you, Harri and Turkish for your replies. 

Yes, my walk was peaceful.  I also spent time at my community pool and soaked in the abundant sunshine and water.   It definitely helped me to be outdoors.   I've made the decision to only check this site for 30 minutes in the morning.  That way, I'm not immersing myself in BPD issues, which I found myself to be doing this past week.   I was so excited to discover this site that I think I went overboard and spent hours and hours reading the posts, and I don't think that's healthy for me at the moment.  I got up at 4:00 this morning again, but I decided to do chores around the house, rather than go directly to this site or anything online.   I've just got on this site now.

Turkish, you mentioned that behind every feeling is a need.   I'm not sure what my need is, other than I need to be heard.   And, I need to know that I'm not the only person with these feelings.   It was good to read from Harri's experience, that I'm not the only one feeling (or who has felt) this way.

Right now, my head is clear (Yay!) and so I'm going to sign off for now.  Thank you so much for your support.
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Learning2Thrive
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« Reply #8 on: July 15, 2018, 01:02:16 PM »

  Venetian,

Excerpt
Yes, my walk was peaceful.  I also spent time at my community pool and soaked in the abundant sunshine and water.   It definitely helped me to be outdoors.

I’m so glad you took time for yourself.   I understand your need to be heard and we do hear you. Please continue to take good care of you and come back here whenever you’re ready. Sending you positive thoughts and gentle, encouraging hugs.

L2T
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Fie
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« Reply #9 on: July 16, 2018, 01:59:24 PM »

Hello Venetian  


For some time I have felt that I hated my mum (BPD) and dad (NPD). Sometimes I have wished them dead, so they would not give me those anxieties anymore.

I was not too proud of those feelings, yet I now realize there is nothing wrong with it. You shouldn't feel guilty either. It's not because you wish your sister dead, that she will die.

You are only human. A life long of bottled up feelings can cause at first sight strange emotions. Yet they are only normal.

I personally do not think you should feel love or compassion for your sister. By the sounds of it this is not even possible at this moment. Right now you hate her. There is a long distance between love and hate. How about first accepting the emotions you are having now... .and just try to love yourself. Who knows, maybe in time your feelings for you sister will start to evolve direction 'neutral'. I doubt if you will ever love her, though, considering the past  you are both sharing... don't expect the impossible ... .
 
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Harri
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« Reply #10 on: July 16, 2018, 05:52:42 PM »

Hi again.  See, there are more of us who understand your feelings!  Fie knows what it is like to feel hate ... .just to stop the pain.  Normal.  We get it here.   

I missed responding to this part here:
Excerpt
I can't think straight about where I fall on this list [Survivor's Guide].
It is not uncommon to be confused with this.  The list is not linear nor is it something I experience one step at a time.  I have no idea if it supposed to be a one at a time thing, but I don't work that way.  There are some things I have reached a point of acceptance with, other areas where I can see my faulty beliefs and actually change them and others where I am still clueless about.  So while I would not call myself an example of normal or healthy, it sounds about right to me that you don't know where you fall.  *That* is normal, IMHO.

I hope you are still being good to you.  Keep us posted when you can but don't over do it.

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« Reply #11 on: July 16, 2018, 10:36:47 PM »

Venetian I am sorry your sister is using your niece to get back at you.  I can truly understand your feelings toward your sister and just know you are not alone.  Unfortunately disordered people don't play fair, and she is using her daughter to get back at you.  I am afraid for now there is not much you can do aside from the suggestions and just learning about radical acceptance.  Do you think one day your niece will figure hermit out?  That can happen.  You may have opportunity in the future to reconnect with her.  BTW I have "hated" my sister for all her horrible abuse she inflicted on me and our family and then some... .It's been a long journey but I truly don't anymore.  I really only think of her here a hating takes up too much space in my brain.  I love my sister and wish her well but I am happy she is not in my life and knows nothing about me.  Keep us posted!
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