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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: After 3 years a text...  (Read 939 times)
Should I stay or...
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« on: July 31, 2018, 12:42:06 PM »

 I haven't communicated with my diagnosed BPDgf in over 3 years but have seen her at the CC pool during the summer months. Here's my back story... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=225647.0

I have moved on and was recently, 4 months ago, in a one year relationship with another that was much healthier. Some undercurrents of my last relationship filtered through into this one though. This relationship however, made me realize how dysfunctional my previous relationship had been. Abnormal was normal back then, but I had really loved her and she broken my heart 3 years ago.

I decided to start re-dating again and turned to a phone app for a connection or conversation. After several swipes into this adventure whom do I see but my BPDgf... .yikes, wow, I can't believe she's on the site, I can't believe that I'm in her sights too. I take a deep breath then a slow exhale... .swipe left and moved on.
Have to say I was shaken for a day. The thoughts of her looking for another even though time has past still was unsettling.  We had love, deep love and finding it on a phone app will be a challenge. I know that I will never replace the depth of my love for her. Something close that's emotionally more mature would be great.
Fast forward two weeks to this Saturday night and I receive a text from her around 7:30. What do you thinks she says? Feel free to reply with your thoughts and I'll share her's... .and mine.
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« Reply #1 on: July 31, 2018, 12:45:25 PM »

DId she say she missed you?
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Should I stay or...
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« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2018, 03:03:05 PM »

Imagine not seeing the name of your partner in your conversations list for years and now after 3 years it appears? I thought it wasn't really happening, I checked and rechecked to see if there was a glitch in my phone... .
So, I opened her text and here are her words, "do you want to come over to make love."
I, never replied.

I have my thoughts on the matter, what do you think?
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« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2018, 04:33:28 PM »

Its the stuff of nightmares, for me at least.

After everything I went through, I fully expect the same nonchalant style of message to crop up one day in the future.

The only difference is that I am already expecting it, braced for it and have pre-set how to respond or more accurately, not respond.

As long as I remain off the radar of my ex, it really is 'out of sight out of mind', the last contact we had was like an open-invitation to see if I would resume back into the madness, I chose not to - for good reason. It is one of the hardest things towards detaching - that invitation seems always there regardless - in one perspective it has cheapened her in my eyes from what I had wanted to think of her, in short - it is too easy to go back and regardless of the attractiveness factor, is a major turn off for me.

Whether or not she would follow through with the bait is another thing - 3 years of strength could be summarily erased if taking a bite on that hook and it turns out to just be a test of how willing you are to go for it.
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Should I stay or...
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« Reply #4 on: July 31, 2018, 05:44:51 PM »

I think we are always trying to analyze the motivations of a bp partner once things don't add up time after time. Are they reacting to us in the present or are their feelings, which aren't factual, truly how they are feeling or a manipulation or motivation or noncognitive?

I have tried to think through this contact of hers and here's my feelings, rightly or wrongly.

It could one or all of these combined statements or something else?

1. An Impulse, yet, it was two weeks later after I saw her on the app before this contact?
2. She saw me on the site and wanted me as her prize?
3. The grass isn't always greener, and as she said in our relationship, "this is the first time that she was ever was in love, and truely felt loved by someone." She's reaching out because other encounters aren't us?

 I had always hoped that the latter was her truth, because I was left holding those values in my hands as I watched things fade away... .



 
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« Reply #5 on: July 31, 2018, 06:04:50 PM »

Mine did that all the time during previous break-ups. First time I thought we were getting back together. All the other times I though there was a chance. This time he hasn't asked me to come over. Hasn't informed me that he is in the bed naked and his keys are in the mailbox. YET.

He told me he will always have sex with me. He will never turn that down if given the opportunity. But he can separate it from the rest.

Well isn't that romantic... .?
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« Reply #6 on: August 01, 2018, 09:29:17 PM »

Hi Should I stay or... .

Excerpt
I think we are always trying to analyze the motivations of a bp partner once things don't add up time after time. Are they reacting to us in the present or are their feelings, which aren't factual, truly how they are feeling or a manipulation or motivation or noncognitive?

Now that she texted you what is your next move?
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Should I stay or...
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« Reply #7 on: August 02, 2018, 03:49:06 PM »

Hi Mutt,

I still haven't responded to her invitation for a sexual encounter. I really don't know what to do?
I would love to hold her again and kiss her all over. I'm in a much better place then I was 3 years ago.
And, I know I'm strong enough now not to fall into her trap again... .
Just reminded me of a great Bruce Springsteen song, Trapped Again, know of it?
What would one do if you were me?
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« Reply #8 on: August 02, 2018, 04:17:05 PM »

You probably don't have kids together if you got a text three years later. I have kids with my uBPDexw if I had the opportunity I would have gone completely no contact and never responded to anything from her again, I have kids I can't do that. I envy you 
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« Reply #9 on: August 02, 2018, 04:54:58 PM »

Quote from: Should I stay or... .link=topic=327698.msg12989089#msg12989089 date=1533242946
Hi Mutt,

I still haven't responded to her invitation for a sexual encounter. I really don't know what to do?
I would love to hold her again and kiss her all over. I'm in a much better place then I was 3 years ago.
And, I know I'm strong enough now not to fall into her trap again... .
Just reminded me of a great Bruce Springsteen song, Trapped Again, know of it?
What would one do if you were me?


Well the penultimate time, I did just that, the infactuation did play a great part. The last time, I pondered wether to go back for one last sexual encounter under the guise of reconciling, making her think all was back to what it had always been - i feel proud of myself that I never went to that level, to then discard her after, despite the temptation. I know im better than that.

If I happened to be with her and there was half an hour before global reports an asteroid was going to wipe out earth and all in it - probably then id say "what the hell ok" but that would be the only circumstance on my part.

It helps the self esteem enormously to say no to that level of temptation - in the long run it dampened down the infactuation from where it was at the same time.

my answer is; if you have to ask, then there is some alarm bell ringing from within that is telling you not to. Id listen to it because it hasnt come out of nowhere.
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« Reply #10 on: August 02, 2018, 05:58:34 PM »

Excerpt
If I happened to be with her and there was half an hour before global reports an asteroid was going to wipe out earth and all in it - probably then id say "what the hell ok" but that would be the only circumstance on my part.
Hey Cromwell,
Brillant!

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« Reply #11 on: August 02, 2018, 11:01:47 PM »

Quote from: Should I stay or... .link=topic=327698.msg12989089#msg12989089 date=1533242946
I still haven't responded to her invitation for a sexual encounter. I really don't know what to do?
I would love to hold her again and kiss her all over. I'm in a much better place then I was 3 years ago.
And, I know I'm strong enough now not to fall into her trap again... .

ill start with what i wouldnt do:

i wouldnt have impulsive sex and try to leave it at that
i wouldnt get involved and try to "wing it"

if i were interested in reconnecting, id post on the Bettering board, and get guidance, feedback, support, weigh the pros and cons, etc.
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« Reply #12 on: August 09, 2018, 07:11:10 AM »

Quote from: Should I stay or... .link=topic=327698.msg12988577#msg12988577 date=1533077091
It could one or all of these combined statements or something else?

1. An Impulse, yet, it was two weeks later after I saw her on the app before this contact?
2. She saw me on the site and wanted me as her prize?
3. The grass isn't always greener, and as she said in our relationship, "this is the first time that she was ever was in love, and truly felt loved by someone." She's reaching out because other encounters aren't us?

You haven't talked to her in 3 years, it's virtually impossible to guess.

It's provocative and playful banter. She wanted you to respond (that much we can know). It may a tease or it may be exactly what it appears to be - an invitation for a one-night stand.

You won't know unless you follow up. If you do with any expectations, you will probably feel let down.

What would any of us do? I think reg range is endless.  I had an ex contact me six months ago to get together. I didn't consider it for a minute. I did have a pleasant phone call with her and left it at that.
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« Reply #13 on: August 09, 2018, 08:04:13 AM »

You probably don't have kids together if you got a text three years later. I have kids with my uBPDexw if I had the opportunity I would have gone completely no contact and never responded to anything from her again, I have kids I can't do that. I envy you 

I share in that envy.
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« Reply #14 on: August 10, 2018, 02:04:40 AM »

It's interesting (for me) that my projections - onto your situation - ran wild when I read your OP.  My higher brain functions had to force my fingers to back away from the keyboard, so keen were they to hammer out a response ... .a response that would have been all about my own issues.  My therapist is going to love it.

One question - do dating apps allow you to block former partners / friends / stalkers so they can't see your profile?  I've not used a dating app (I've always preferred using pre-digital methods to find unsuitable partners), but I'd imagine it'd be a necessary feature!
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« Reply #15 on: August 10, 2018, 06:35:43 AM »

I would assume she is either just "testing" to see if she could still have you, she really would follow through, and start the entire dance again. Of course that doesn't help. She probably doesn't even know, and the result can depend on her mood that day or minute.

My ex similarly sent me almost an exact text like that.  No talking for many months after she cheated and left, then immediately to asking if I would have sex with her.

In a way, atleast in my case, it is very disresctful.  I couldn't imagine sending an ex wife I abondoned and hurt something out of the blue like "hey want to have some sex".  Sort of as if you are asking to have a cup of coffee. No real regard for their life at the moment or what you did to them. Sort of like "yes or no, no problem. Just asking "

However maybe their minds are simply different and that's the best way they know how to communicate.  

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« Reply #16 on: August 10, 2018, 07:20:23 AM »

If it's real, is it pathology?

I don't personally prescribe to post relationship sex. And if one person was devastated by the breakup, it's very insensitive (selfish) to connect in this way.

But is it BPD? And is it on our ex or us to decide if this is a safe thing to do emotionally?


Date: 1-2013Minutes: 3:52

Sex with your ex; 10 Reasons Why (random Youtube video)

This type of thing looks really different depending on our mental state.

One thing I would say, it that its probably not a healthy pathway back into a relationship.
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« Reply #17 on: August 10, 2018, 10:22:52 AM »

If it's real, is it pathology?

I don't personally prescribe to post relationship sex. And if one person was devastated by the breakup, it's very insensitive (selfish) to connect in this way.



I think in my case, similar to OP, it just opens with "want to have sex" ?  Like a total disregard for where we are in life.  What we are doing.  Etc.

Even if I dug up an old "fwb", after years, I would ask how they are? What's new? Etc. and atleast get a feel of what is going on.

Any idea why, after so much , they can be so blunt? It's almost like, no matter what they did. An invitation that comes off as "so hey, want to make me feel good?"



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« Reply #18 on: August 10, 2018, 10:52:59 AM »

Each time a recycle started with my Son’s mom, it was initiated with sex. Pointing to what Husband321 describes, there was no apology, acknowledgement or resolution. We had sex, and she was back. Until she wasn’t... .again, and again and again. I know my part in all of this now. Part of me knew that each time she returned that it was a matter of time before she ran again. I’m glad to be out of the cycle.
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« Reply #19 on: August 13, 2018, 11:01:40 AM »

Three things.

1. This (the emila) is not something unique to BPD. I don't think the answer lies in "why do BPD do this". People with BPD are statistically similar on a number psychological planes, most notably limited execute function (impulsiveness) and emotional vulnerability to the extent that they sabotage relationships by having impulsive reactions to fears of vulnerability.  Beyond a limited cluster of similarities, they are unique.

Also, a lot of crappy things happen when relationships blow up (BPD or not) and a lot of people do this stuff - like sleeping with a relative. I say this because when we patholize too many things as BPD, we really get lost in our understanding of the whole of human nature. This is why many here are afraid to go onto other relationships.

2. I think there is very little we can know from this text because the OP and his ex have been out of touch for 3 years. If could have been sarcasm for her thinking he was gawking at her on Tinder. Tinder is, afterall, a sex hookup site for many so the comment should be looked at in that sense.  It could have been written by the live-in boyfriend who hear about the chance "met" online and wanted to launch a dig.  It could have been a mis-text - that she was trying to connect with another person with a similar name and she was driving and texting. It could be Siri. It could have been an intentional provocative text as a means to get a response (break through t he no contact).  It could have been an intentional provocation to make the OP spins around wondering about it all.  All of theses are possible. All are also possibe for a non-BPD person.

3. Lastly, the comment about reconnecting by sex. "Make-up sex" has long been a way people reconnect... .especially in very sexually active relationships.

The only way to know about the text is to follow-up. A great follow up could have been... .

Her: Hey want to have sex?

You: Mom?

The next text would probably have started to make this clearer. 

pwBPD are humans. To understand, reconnect, cope with, deal with, leave, get over, understand what hit us... .we have to understand what is normal crappy breakup stuff (and what does it mean) and is there anything unique about BPD or our partner that might makes that normal crappy stuff different from other normal crappy stuff.

At three years, I urge the OP to try to detach. I sense you have come a long way, but there is still a lot of connection there.  At three years, we should be extricated from the emotional pull. Its still pulling you.

I was sautéing chicken on night recently. I got a call out of the blue from my last girlfriend. She wanted to get together. I was enthusiastic about hearing from her. I shifted the conversation to talk about her family. She shared a nice memory with me. I engaged the sentiment and agreed that it was lovely. i told her we should talk some time and went back to the skillet. It was a pleasant call. I'm glad we had it. I don't have an interest in restarting the relationship, but I am happy to be nice and share.

Our relationship had ended uncomfortably (as many did her) and as I processed it, I realized how little I got out of being a partner with her. I was feeling some anger and disgust about it. But I know why it went down, and I know who she is (we are not a good match, deep down), and I know what I did to make it all harder on myself. So now I am at peace and I can appreciate her from afar and I can move forwardwith someone (and I have).  We have a lot of graduates from here that are in the same place.

Processing and detaching is good. It frees us up to move forward in a healthy way and a smarter way.  But its not about time, its about our mind.

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« Reply #20 on: August 14, 2018, 03:52:36 PM »

Each time a recycle started with my Son’s mom, it was initiated with sex. Pointing to what Husband321 describes, there was no apology, acknowledgement or resolution. We had sex, and she was back. Until she wasn’t... .again, and again and again. I know my part in all of this now. Part of me knew that each time she returned that it was a matter of time before she ran again. I’m glad to be out of the cycle.

this was the same in my rs with my ex. or i would get a text the next day or few days later like nothing happened.
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« Reply #21 on: August 15, 2018, 10:22:42 AM »

Hey, Should I stay,

Excerpt
I still haven't responded to her invitation for a sexual encounter. I really don't know what to do?
I would love to hold her again and kiss her all over. I'm in a much better place then I was 3 years ago.
And, I know I'm strong enough now not to fall into her trap again... .

It sounds like her reaching out raised some complicated feelings in you . . . confusion, desire for her, desire to stay strong.  My ex also reached out after a long period of no contact so I can relate to how intense it feels. 

How are things going?  Did you make a decision about responding/not responding?  Still confused?
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« Reply #22 on: August 15, 2018, 05:18:31 PM »

thank you all for replying  Welcome new member (click to insert in post) again,

I haven't replied to her, but there are some serious curiosities going on... .would the idea of sexual intimacy again make us all week in the knees, throwing all caution to the wind for another taste?

a study has just been published July 20th, 2018 in pubmed….
Exploring the Impact of Personal and Partner Traits on Sexuality: Sexual Excitation, Sexual Inhibition, and Big Five Predict Sexual Function in Couples. J Sex Res. 2018 Jul 20:1-13.  a Mental Health Research and Treatment Center , Ruhr-Universität Bochum , Bochum , Germany.

men/women have better sex with emotionally unstable partners has been confirmed! might this be why we all might want to jump into the fire again?  
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« Reply #23 on: August 15, 2018, 05:47:37 PM »

here's a review of the study in the ny post:

Men have better sex with emotionally unstable women By Andrea Downey, The Sun  August 14, 2018 | 1:06pm
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« Reply #24 on: August 16, 2018, 10:08:37 AM »

Interesting articles, Should I stay.  Raises more questions than it answers for me.  Like what is it about emotional instability that creates an arousing package for men? 
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« Reply #25 on: August 30, 2018, 02:00:37 PM »

Quote from: Should I stay or... .link=topic=327698.msg12993060#msg12993060 date=1534371511
I haven't replied to her, but there are some serious curiosities going on... .

I believe it was Iron Maiden who sang

Run to the hills, run for your lives


That's my advice.
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« Reply #26 on: September 05, 2018, 12:52:47 AM »

Any update?
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« Reply #27 on: September 06, 2018, 08:20:30 PM »

I remember years ago a man being asked what makes a woman unattractive to him. He said if she finds him unattractive. It stuck.

So I can love my cheating BPD, but I have no trouble turning down sex.

(Cheating means the attraction has gone, in my books.)
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« Reply #28 on: September 08, 2018, 06:46:29 PM »

Hey Cry Wolf... .

I still haven't responded and all has been quite. I'm tempted and thought of a response if I do. I would respond with one word, Yes! Nothing more... .
If she wants me, she can have a different me!
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« Reply #29 on: September 08, 2018, 10:18:27 PM »

You’re agreeing to trying things out again with your ex?
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