A Gentle Quick Discard from a upwBPD?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Does a comorbid narcissist/Borderline have the capacity to discard someone gently?
My partner and I were building a life together and I was applying for jobs to relocate to her city. When I was with her the very last time, she was cold and detached. She blamed it on exhaustion at work.
She was a shell of the person I had known for 6 months.
I went out for a walk one day to get some air and give her space, and she accused me of abandoning her.

Her therapist suggested a break and we went no contact for a week.
She called me and stated something ‘shifted’ for her and she was no longer in love and could no longer picture a future together.
She said she was sorry and that she still loved and cared about me, but the relationship was no longer working for her.
She stated she wasn’t heartbroken or sad, but she would cherish the moments we shared together and think of me with fondness.

She had borderline and covert narcissistic traits, but had never been diagnosed.
She was calm but detached and almost cold when she was breaking up with me. It felt like she had forgotten everything we shared- that  she had called me her soul mate and the love of her life and had idealized me for the 6 months we were together. Suddenly, it shifted.

She didn’t ghost me or was horribly mean. She just detached quickly, told me she loved me but said she needed to move on.

Is it unusual for a pwBPD to be this calm/rational during a discard?

[allbymyself7]

Does a comorbid narcissist/Borderline have the capacity to discard someone gently?
My partner and I were building a life together and I was applying for jobs to relocate to her city. When I was with her the very last time, she was cold and detached. She blamed it on exhaustion at work.
She was a shell of the person I had known for 6 months.
I went out for a walk one day to get some air and give her space, and she accused me of abandoning her.

Her therapist suggested a break and we went no contact for a week.
She called me and stated something ‘shifted’ for her and she was no longer in love and could no longer picture a future together.
She said she was sorry and that she still loved and cared about me, but the relationship was no longer working for her.
She stated she wasn’t heartbroken or sad, but she would cherish the moments we shared together and think of me with fondness.

She had borderline and covert narcissistic traits, but had never been diagnosed.
She was calm but detached and almost cold when she was breaking up with me. It felt like she had forgotten everything we shared- that  she had called me her soul mate and the love of her life and had idealized me for the 6 months we were together. Suddenly, it shifted.

She didn’t ghost me or was horribly mean. She just detached quickly, told me she loved me but said she needed to move on.

Is it unusual for a pwBPD to be this calm/rational during a discard?

[Turkish]

She said she was sorry and that she still loved and cared about me, but the relationship was no longer working for her.
She stated she wasn’t heartbroken or sad, but she would cherish the moments we shared together and think of me with fondness.

I heard pretty much this... .at the same time my ex was conducting a r/s outside of our home while I was the primary parent to our little kids.  

I think her feelings were true to her,  but her words and feelings stabbed me to the core. I felt like i would rather have been split black rather than fed scraps. It was confusing.  I think I hated her longer for that than anything.  The communication of indifference wrapped in piety.

How do you feel?

[allbymyself7]

I’m sorry that happened to you. I can (somewhat) understand the pain.
I know she was working day and night and would contact me throughout the entire day, so I don’t believe she had the time to see someone else.
She said that she had everything she could ever want in a partner and still couldn’t make it work, so she thought she was meant to be alone forever (I think she should be).

I feel destroyed by this. Completely betrayed and blindsided.
This woman cherished me and pushed for me to relocate to her city. She wanted it all with me and has said the time we were together was the best time Of her life. She stated there were never any doubts and that she just knew it felt right.

And then... .she just became disinterested in me within days.  She said she was sorry she made me think she wanted a life with me and that she hoped I could move on and find happiness.
It was like I was talking to a different person.

The pain is unbearable.

[Turkish]

I knew her for 5 years,  two kids  (then 3 and 1). Despite me knowing about her depression. She acted like a totally different person. 31 going on 13. It was shocking and not a bit scary for a while.

Moving is a huge deal and I'm sorry that she discarded you like that so coldly. I get that break ups happen, but the cold discards, especially after the other partner committed so fully, are especially painful. 

[allbymyself7]

None of this makes any make sense to me - especially when she was completely devoted to me and building a life together.
She couldn’t picture a life without me.

She has never been diagnosed with BPD and has denied any mental illness other than anxiety and depression. She had abandonment issues, a temper, very low emotional intelligence, lack of empathy, lashed out if she didn’t get her way, jealousy issues.

I don’t believe a rational, emotional stable person would be capable of promising a life with someone and then shifting their feelings so quickly and being cold?

[allbymyself7]

The most hurtful part is that she said she wasn’t heartbroken or sad about breaking up. There was no mourning whatsoever.
It went from one extreme to another for her, leaving me in pieces...

[Zemmma]

It really doesn't matter what the "diagnosis" is. Her behaviour is not that unusual. People do it all the time. And it is completely irresponsible in my opinion. For someone to promise much, and then do an about face. Be all in love and intimate and then slam a door in your face. It is cruel behaviour.

My BPDX broke up with me several times. Sometimes it was in rage, other times it was a cool and rational conversation. Sometimes with tears. Sometimes matter-of-fact, expressing numbness. The point is, some people are all over the place. One minute happy, next sad, next attached, next detached, so in love, then apathetic... la, la, la.

If you are not like this, (I am not) just ask yourself: Is this the type of person/ relationship you want to engage with? Because in my experience, and in that of so many people here, if your lover will do it once, they will do it to you again, and again and again if you let them. I put up with it for a very long time because the rewards were so great. But now, I think... maybe I want more:

Someone who doesn't change their mind like that. Someone who will stand by me. Someone who won't turn cold. Someone who can love. Someone I can trust.

What do you want from love?

You have one life.

(And whoa... it is so much easier to give advice on here than to hear it for yourself... .be kind to you- it's brutally difficult when this happens and you have my full sympathies).

[Husband321]

It really doesn't matter what the "diagnosis" is. Her behaviour is not that unusual. People do it all the time. And it is completely irresponsible in my opinion. For someone to promise much, and then do an about face. Be all in love and intimate and then slam a door in your face. It is cruel behaviour.

My BPDX broke up with me several times. Sometimes it was in rage, other times it was a cool and rational conversation. Sometimes with tears. Sometimes matter-of-fact, expressing numbness. The point is, some people are all over the place. One minute happy, next sad, next attached, next detached, so in love, then apathetic... la, la, la.

If you are not like this, (I am not) just ask yourself: Is this the type of person/ relationship you want to engage with? Because in my experience, and in that of so many people here, if your lover will do it once, they will do it to you again, and again and again if you let them. I put up with it for a very long time because the rewards were so great. But now, I think... maybe I want more:

Someone who doesn't change their mind like that. Someone who will stand by me. Someone who won't turn cold. Someone who can love. Someone I can trust.

What do you want from love?

You have one life.

(And whoa... it is so much easier to give advice on here than to hear it for yourself... .be kind to you- it's brutally difficult when this happens and you have my full sympathies).

Totally agree with this. There is no "one way" a BPD will break up with you.

My ex wife also did several times. Sometimes in a rage. Sometimes vanish. Sometimes speak frankly.  Sometimes appeared to be totally empty.

I would say it is easy for them as most likely, probably almost certainly, they are talking to an ex.  Met someone new.  Etc.

Does a BPD just frankly decide to break up to be totally alone? I guess it's possible. Thought I have never heard of it happening.

[allbymyself7]

When she called to break up with me, her tone was different. She was calm, rational, but cold. It’s like the love she had throughout our entire relationship had vanished.
She didn’t cry, she said she wasn’t heartbroken or sad. She told me she was excited to be planning solo trips (we had trips planned already down the line that I had to cancel).
It was cruel and heartless.

And yet, other relationships she’d had in the past which were not as significant and didn’t feel as though she was in love with, she was heartbroken after they ended.
With me, the person she said she had never had these feelings for and told me she felt I was made for her, there was no heartbreak, no mourning. She just suddenly became disinterested and was over me.

She said there was no one else and said she was happy being alone. She actually said she felt she was meant to be alone (I’d have to agree with her).

I probably should have really paid attention to the fact that many of her relationships prior to me lasted only 2-3 months, or that she mentioned that her exes told her that she had a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality, or that she had a temper and threw things when she was angry.

And yet, despite her expressing all of this to me, she denied there being anything wrong with her. Her words : “just because people fall in and out of love, doesn’t mean they are horrible or mentally ill”.

Is it normal for high-functioning individuals with BPD to be in denial?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi allbymyself,

Her words : “just because people fall in and out of love, doesn’t mean they are horrible or mentally ill”.

Is it normal for high-functioning individuals with BPD to be in denial?

A BPD sufferer can be high functioning and yet in close personal relationships still adopt those behaviours like the ones you describe.  It's quite possible that she doesn't recognise anything unusual about her behaviour.  After all, if this is a pattern that she follows in all of her relationships, then she likely does not see it as an issue.  Especially if it works for her and protects her from dealing with her fears or shame.  I think what it comes down to is probably best summarised below in a quote from one of our articles:

If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening. When any relationship breaks down, it’s often because the partners are on a different “page” – but much more so when your partner suffers with borderline personality disorder traits. Unknown to you, there were likely significant periods of shame, fear, disappointment, resentment, and anger rising from below the surface during the entire relationship. What you have seen lately is not new - rather it’s a culmination of feelings that have been brewing in the relationship.

You can read the rest of the article HERE. 

It sounds as though she goes through the stages of idealisation, devaluation and discard and in some cases this can happen very quickly.  She also describes having a volatile temper.  Many people will have traits of one or more personality disorder yet live without ever having a concern about how these impact them.  If on the whole they function well and go about their lives without serious - or what they consider to be serious issues, then it's probably quite normal to reject the idea of there being any mental illness.  Professionals advise against informing family members or loved ones of a suspected diagnosis as it is likely to be met with negativity.  In that respect, she has behaved as would be expected in the face of that revelation.  There is still unfortunately a lot of stigma attached to mental illness and BPD is one of the diagnoses which is less likely to be embraced by a sufferer. 

That aside, how are you doing in yourself at present?  You've had a lot to process and most of us come here seeking answers to what feels very confusing and difficult to understand.  Especially when the discard appears to be so sudden and unexpected.  That's incredibly painful.  How are you feeling at the moment?

Love and light x

 

[Drs204]

My XwBPD was much the same way. Undiagnosed as well but textbook with what I can tell.

Stonewalling happened often in our relationship then towards the end it became more permanent. One word texts back, and very predictable. Fine, Good, Yes, Night was about it.

Then came the breakup text. Reason was too busy with new job and kids for relationships.

Month later with a new man. Found out by she blocked me on FB and someone told me. Wow. I was just so hurt by that. She was so cold. It was awful. Tell me you don't want me in your life anymore if you don't want me. But the way it went down... .

And she knew the guy a week before commiting to a relationship with him. OUCH.

I am learning typical BPD behaviour though.

I am moving on. Sent her a goodbye email. I did wish her the best. I did say she can talk to me if she wants, I am open to that. I have her blocked on my FB for now but with time may unblock her if  she wants. I know this relationship will not last; she may come back or she may not. Doesn't matter. If she comes back I will try and point her towards counselling if she wants a relationship with me again. But I doubt that will happen anyways.

I deserve someone who will love me for me as well and not play games.

[empath]

When my h decided that he was moving out and that he was going to file for divorce, he was very calm and rational. It was a bit odd because while he was talking to me, I could see the evidence of his self-injuring. He also posted on fb about how the day was the worst one in his entire life and told people not to ask questions. So, his conversation and interactions with me were very different from what he was experiencing emotionally.

When he told me, it was almost like a weight lifted for him and he was lighter. I've been trained in crisis intervention, and one of the things that happens sometimes when people are having suicidal thoughts and decide on a plan is that they 'feel better' - but it is actually more dangerous at that point.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

BPD or not, I think some people grieve the loss of a r/s privately (for various reasons of their own) and their partner may have no idea. So when they decide to leave, their partner feels blindsided. It sucks, it hurts, and I get that. Do you have any hobbies or anything that may help you take your mind off of it for a while? Something that makes you feel good?

[Starfire]

There are a lot of people here who would probably advise you to take that gentle discard, accept it as closure, and run.  Most of us never got that.  If your ex is really BPD, it's possible (and even probable) that she will be back.  If so, the next discard may be exactly opposite, so you should think about whether or not you'd want to experience that.