BPD ex emailed me after 1 month of no contact

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey guys,

So i have been broken up with my ex since May and i blocked off all contact with her at the end of June. Short story short she went on a date to a wedding with a guy that she had sex with during a break earlier on in our relationship (break, not break up). She needed the break to 'fix herself' and be mentally healthy again meanwhile she had sex with him 2 or 3 days into our break. It was out of nowhere that she needed this break. She got mad at me for being upset at her for having sex with him. She had her friends tell me that i was wrong for being upset. This all happened last year around September/October. I forgave her and told her that all i want is for her to not talk to him anymore. She said ok, and then a week later she starts talking to him again. I brought it up to her and her explanation was that "i cant not be civil with him. I cant not say hi to him." I was so confused and it just led to more problems. So once it was June, she kept hinting to me that she was going to a wedding so that i could ask who she is going with. I had to dig in to get answer and she said she was going with him and said they are  going as "just friends". She ended up having sex with him and then i blocked her. She now emailed me because she saw me in my brothers snapchat at a club having fun and whatever. She emails me that night at 3 am apologizing for everything and hoping that i am doing well. What is her intentions here? what should i do? Is this more BPD or narcissism?

[Smokey249]

Hey guys,

So i have been broken up with my ex since May and i blocked off all contact with her at the end of June. Short story short she went on a date to a wedding with a guy that she had sex with during a break earlier on in our relationship (break, not break up). She needed the break to 'fix herself' and be mentally healthy again meanwhile she had sex with him 2 or 3 days into our break. It was out of nowhere that she needed this break. She got mad at me for being upset at her for having sex with him. She had her friends tell me that i was wrong for being upset. This all happened last year around September/October. I forgave her and told her that all i want is for her to not talk to him anymore. She said ok, and then a week later she starts talking to him again. I brought it up to her and her explanation was that "i cant not be civil with him. I cant not say hi to him." I was so confused and it just led to more problems. So once it was June, she kept hinting to me that she was going to a wedding so that i could ask who she is going with. I had to dig in to get answer and she said she was going with him and said they are  going as "just friends". She ended up having sex with him and then i blocked her. She now emailed me because she saw me in my brothers snapchat at a club having fun and whatever. She emails me that night at 3 am apologizing for everything and hoping that i am doing well. What is her intentions here? what should i do? Is this more BPD or narcissism?

[Smokey249]

She also asked to be friends. She claims that she misses hearing about my day and this and that and that she loves me so much and wishes she can go back in time. She has said this before months ago

[once removed]

hey Smokey249 and

ouch. getting blamed for being cheated on, it doesnt get any more hurtful, not to mention flabbergasting.

its hard to say what her intentions are. in short, its likely she feels some shame over her actions, and quite frequently when a person feels shame, they look for someone else to soothe it - ask the person who they wronged to help them feel better about it.

how are you feeling about it all? what, if anything, do you want to do?

[Smokey249]

I am just so confused. She has lied to me multiple times and has always tried to control and manipulate me. When she isnt in control, she does anything to get the attention brought back on her. One of the main lies that kills me mentally the most is that her and her best friend would keep telling me that "guys and girls are allowed to be friends" which of course is true but I have been walking on egg shells my whole relationship with her because she is always in fishy situations and I caught her sexting a guy 3 months into our relationship which isnt a good start obviously. So trust was already an issue. She cried and begged and said it wont happen again so i gave her another chance. But later on she has all these 'guy friends' around her and one of them was the guy she had sex with during our break. After that whole situation happened during our break, her and her best friend would make me look crazy and would tell me that her and the guy are allowed to be friends and that i have to accept it. (They were obviously not just friends). It made the rest of my relationship miserable and my gf at the time had zero empathy to put herself in my shoes and have to deal with them hanging out and being friends. She continued to secretly hit on him and other guys on the low and she would call me crazy and blow up on me any time i would bring a guys name up. So basically at this point i want to have no romantic relationship with her at all. All trust is out the door for me. And i dont really believe her apology. I feel she is just apologizing so she can charm me back in. She was already love bombing me once i unblocked her and i basically told her to cut the s**t. It just feels so fake. Like she just wants me back as a 'friend' just so i can boost her ego again so that she can bring me down to her low self esteem and emptiness attitude and boost herself up over me by draining me

[once removed]

I am just so confused. She has lied to me multiple times and has always tried to control and manipulate me. When she isnt in control, she does anything to get the attention brought back on her.

so a few components of BPD that you should know are that people with BPD traits have highly volatile emotions (especially around the fear of abandonment) and are highly reactive to those emotions. couple that with a tendency to be highly impulsive, and yes, it can get very confusing, and its hard not to get caught up in.

id encourage you to have a look at the lessons directly to the right ------> of the board, and learn some more about the disorder. i found the more i learned, the more i was able to depersonalize and make sense of some pretty hurtful stuff.

One of the main lies that kills me mentally the most is that her and her best friend would keep telling me that "guys and girls are allowed to be friends" which of course is true but I have been walking on egg shells my whole relationship with her because she is always in fishy situations

while i tend to agree that "guys and girls are allowed to be friends", obviously lines were both blurred and crossed here repeatedly. i think youll find as you read and respond to the threads of other members, that this was the case for many of us. it does tend to break down trust over time.

so, its probably less likely that she is being "fake", but that shes floundering all over the place, reacting to her emotions and fears, and yes, trying to get you to soothe all of that for her.

frankly, if youre done with the relationship, those issues of hers arent your problem. youre under no obligation to make her feel better about it, but to focus on your own healing and recovery, and it sure takes some time to get our heads unwound, i know, but it does get better.

[Smokey249]

Thank you for replying. I also have been seeking a psychologist/therapist to help me out. It has effected me alot this relationship. If i were in her shoes and i found out i was the reason that my significant other was  seeking a therapist/psychologist, i would leave that person alone and fix myself by myself. Instead she kept saying sorry and tried explaining her self and immediately love bombing me and trying to call me "babe" and talking about a future with us. I thought she was psychotic for thinking this. It's like she trying to love bomb even more now and she claims that she has been doing so god for herself (mentally) and said that all her friends have been noticing that she has gotten alot better. No one with a mental illness gets better by themselves in a month. She thinks she has just depression but i believe and maybe you agree, that she has BPD. But i believe she is showing this false self of herself that she's this great girl with everything in line and someone that has their life going in the right direction with their priorities straight. I know its a lie because she is still empty inside. She has even told me that she doesnt know who she is and that she literally feels empty inside. She needs me to feed her ego again. She needs her supply

[Cromwell]

Hi Smokey, I can understand your at this stage trying to make sense of it all.

In the midst of that it can lead to reading too much into whatever hodge podge of behaviours rise up.

Could it be Bi-Polar? Some would piece together some of it as possibly being so.

If she texted you saying she just bought a family size pizza, 2 packs of donuts and enough cola to fill a lake - shes having a great time, feels better - has she became bullimic?

If your not interested in going back to her it seems clear cut - none of it actually matters or has any relevance to your goal of detachment.

forget about her and move on with your current or next relationship. This really should centre around what your wants are - you left her and have all these valid doubts about her trying to reconcile - does it really matter whats going on inside her head? Are you worried by what she is doing, is it holding you back? If so I suggest keep going with the no contact, youve done really well, these are just baited hooks out of desperation to fulfill her needs - whatever they are. Screw her needs - they have no relevance here you made the decision to move on after all she did, keep on that path and in time shell fade away.

[DogMan75]

Smokey, it is truly amazing how much in common so many of us have. I’d say a good 50% of your story could just be cut and pasted out of my own experience with my BPD ex.

Have you responded to her?

[Smokey249]

Its crazy how everyones stories are so similar. I get very confused at times of the difference between dating a narcissist and dating a borderline. I read up an article that was titled "22 Stages of an Empath and Narcissist relationship" and my relationship was identical with every stage. But unfortunately i did reply. I just responded by saying "I dont understand you" And then she went off on apologizing that the person that was making those mistakes werent her and that she was confused and blah blah blah . I basically responded to other emails saying how i dont believe or trust her and that i refuse to let her back into my life. I told her that i tried to harm myself and that im seeing a psychologist now because of emotional abuse. Ive never felt like that in my life before. I was completely fine before she came into my life. This also sucks because this was my first experience in a relationship and it didnt go so well . But I have come alwow way in the past couple months and ive improved so much. I'd say im about 95% almost stress free from it

[once removed]

I also have been seeking a psychologist/therapist to help me out.

first, seeing a therapist and making your first posts here, great job. its important to take good care of ourselves, a good support system is critical, and i didnt do a great job of that stuff in my first months. it makes all the difference in the world.

i think a lot of us have experienced this "suddenly on my best behavior" kind of thing. i think youre practical and realistic to not read much into it, actions speak a lot more loudly than words. i was dumped, but there were times that i tried to break up with my ex and heard/saw similar stuff.

you might be able to gleam some insight from our article on Surviving a Breakup which talks about many of the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck:

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away. What is this all about? Well, at the end of any relationship there can be a series of breakups and make-ups – disengaging is often a process, not an event. However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a “BPD” relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially, are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up. Either partner may go to extremes to reunite - even use the threat of suicide to get attention and evoke sympathies. Make no mistake about what is happening. Don’t be lulled into believing that the relationship is surviving or going through a phase. At this point, there are no rules. There are no clear loyalties. Each successive breakup increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually - and opens the door for very hurtful things to happen.

full article here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

[Smokey249]

Thank you for sharing the article. I also can explain my ex as being an emotional vampire. She sucked all the life out of me and then once i became this person with no sense of self, low self esteem, no confidence, she would look at me like i was some loser and pathetic. Saying that she deserves better and all this stuff making me look like i was the one that was never good enough. And she has no idea that i was the reason that i turned into that person. I hated myself at a certain point. It was like she spit her toxic venom inside me and i became her and she drawed out all the life out of me. Its crazy and scary. something i never want to experience again and hope  no one else here goes through a similar situation again

[once removed]

something i never want to experience again and hope  no one else here goes through a similar situation again

stick around, keep asking questions. theres grieving and healing (now) and learning (later) to do.