Divorcing and Devastated

[DevastatedinSD]

Hello, I heartbroken over the end of my marriage to my husband after only 2 years, though we have known each other for 7.  I asked for the divorce because he went on a rage and head-butted me over feeling I abandoned him the previous week for spending too much time with a houseguest and he felt abandoned on Father's Day because I didn't sit next to him at the beach, I was two chairs away.  His feelings were deeply hurt by this and he was just instantly raging at me.  I couldn't understand what in the world was happening.  He doesn't rage often, but when he does it is over-the-top for the situation, so much so it seems crazy.  It's been happening since we started couples therapy a year ago and he was talking a lot about him mom and how she traumatized him as a child.  He got more and more irritable, snapping at me, saying things that weren't even a little but true, total reality distortions, and our marriage just felt more abusive and more distant by the week.  After the divorce I realized there is a name for this.  I never knew what borderline was before a month and a half ago.  Here is the thing. Though I asked for the divorce, I am the one who wants to work it out.  I want him to get help and am believing things won't be easy but they can be okay over time.  I am the one wanting to communicate and work things out and he was for the most part non-responsive.  He seems to be so calm and doesn't care at all, just ready to move on, I am the one falling apart.  He is calling me the borderline because I asked for the divorce and I am the one trying to win him back.  I feel like I am a little crazy and have no idea why I want to stay in such a relationship... .other than I truly love him and care about what happened to him as a child and know it's not his fault that he was treated  so badly.  I feel like a fool.  Just trying to move on and heal.  Am I the borderline because I asked for the divorce and am the one who wants to communicate and work things out?  Just feeling confused and heartbroken. 

[Turkish]

Many of us have had it thrown back at us that we were the "sick" ones who needed help and were 100% the problem. I experienced this growing up with a mother with BPD,  depression and PTSD, then decades later with the mother of my children,  being "sent" to therapy to get "fixed." Therapy can help,  however,  as I found out in middle age.  But for me on my terms.  

Given his past violence,  are you safe now? Do you have kids?

T

[starlet564]

Hello, I heartbroken over the end of my marriage to my husband after only 2 years, though we have known each other for 7.   Just feeling confused and heartbroken. 

Boy, can I commiserate DevastedinSD!  I'm in the process of ending my 1 month marriage, known each other for 3 years.  I, too, didn't know what I was dealing with until he went into a rage towards my mother 2 days after our wedding.  Then, I looked up all the symptoms and borderline popped up.  It all made sense at that point, the behaviors everything added up.  Everything, I ignored... .(dealing with a little shame on my part). 

I like you teetered back and forth.  I love him immensely, but hate how he treats me.  I gave him so much leeway.  My UstbxBPDh had a horrible childhood.  I wanted to be the one who made it all better for him.  Who wouldn't abandon him.  Who would made him feel whole.  Exactly what you want to do, I'm sure.    There is hope with treatment.  However, as my psychologist said to me, "treatment will only be successful if he's the one seeking it out and he's the one who wants to improve.  Not because you tell him to."  Your mental health, safety and well-being should be paramount.

You're not borderline... .you're heartbroken at the end of what you hoped would be happiness for the rest of your life.  That takes a lot of grieving.   

Be nice to yourself. 

[Loca]

I'm on day 2 after I reported him to the police for domestic violence. He now has a restraining order or me and will get visitation rights to our 5yr old son. Also proceeding with the divorce papers.

I have so many things to think about and I am scared but am also preparing myself for the light that will come back to my life... .Prayers for all of us who need this strength.

Love and more love