The Adventures of BeagleGirl

[BeagleGirl]

Okay, so here's what's going on with BeagleGirl today.

I had a dream about the dog that recently died.  She was lost in a windstorm and I was trying to get her to safety when she fell down and started seizing the way she had on her last day.  It was then that I realized I had already lost her and she sat up and looked at me.  I was able to tell her that I did everything I could to maker her end peaceful and that I missed her.  I woke from the with the intense pain that has been haunting me the past several days.  It felt overwhelming and I prayed (more like pleaded) with God to give me a break from the pain.  I fell back asleep and when I woke I was more peaceful than I have been in a while. 

I started getting ready for my day.  S15's psychiatric evaluation was today, so we didn't need to leave as early, so I took my time doing my morning routine.  During that time I had some more conversation with God.  I'm starting to feel those lines of communication open back up.  I still feel a bit skittish, but I think He's doing His part in helping me want to allow Him back in.  I find it hard to put my relationship with God into words, and tend to avoid doing so on this forum, but I think it's time to try. 

I have been holding God at arm's length since the last of my miscarriages in 2015.  I have had a really hard time believing in His love since then.  I've felt His presence and seen His work, and even believed in His goodness, but I've not been able to crawl up in His lap and be comforted by Him since then.  It's been more of an "I'll take that tissue and dry my tears with it, but that's all I want from You" kind of relationship.  And "I'll do what I KNOW you want me to do, but we're not going to talk about it and I'm not going to ask your opinion on some things because I don't want it" kind of communication.  I'm still working on that, but at least I've made enough progress to want to work on it.

I have had times in my life when I heard God's voice and felt His leading to an extent that I can't doubt his existence.  Even through these past 3 years when I've held Him at arm's length, I know His voice and sense His leading.  I felt that leading this morning.  I don't know what the outcome will be, but I feel like I took a step of faith and that has always been rewarded, usually in unexpected ways.

So here was what I felt led to do.  I have had some correspondence with a man on a dating website.  He wanted to have a phone call early on and I was hesitant.  After consulting with friends, I agreed, but he took a while to get back to me and I figured he'd lost interest.  Then he wanted to schedule something, but then cancelled, asked to reschedule at a time that didn't work for me, then said maybe he could make the original time work, then didn't follow up after not making the original time work.  All of that had me writing him off as "not good date material". 

This morning he was on my mind, and my heart.  I don't know a lot about him, but this morning I just felt like he needed someone to talk to, and that I was that someone he needed to talk to.  I texted him and let him know that I wasn't interested in dating him, but what I was feeling about him needing someone to talk to.  I offered up conversation on those terms.  His initial response was a request to not close the door on anything and interest in connecting, to which I replied "I'm following my heart and my heart says you need a sister in Christ (he's a Christian and he said that's what drew him to my profile), not a date candidate in me.  If that's not ringing true in your heart, then I don't think we should set up a time to talk.  If it is then I'll give you some options".  He shifted to saying that if I thought there might be a mutual need for that type of conversation he'd like to schedule something.  I gave him some options and he said he'd call me.  That may not happen, or he may not be accepting that this is no longer a potential dating type call, but I feel like, no matter the outcome, I have done what I needed to do.  We'll see if there are any follow up episodes or if this is just a random plot line that doesn't make sense and doesn't go anywhere. 

And because I can't leave the Neighbor B fans hanging... .Neighbor B and I had a brief conversation in WWF last night and I still feel confused about whether he's pulling back or just busy.  He let me know he had an early morning, so I bid him goodnight and didn't try to draw out the conversation.  Today I feel more okay with whatever outcome.  I'm not sure what that means as far as my actions go, but I feel a definite relief of mental space in that area.  I also talked a bit with S15 about Neighbor B's kids and the interaction I've had with them.  I don't want that to be some big secret, and I think I'm able to share enough to keep that from happening without creating questions about how Neighbor B might or might not be involved.  Good thing it's not unnatural for me to be hanging out with random kids.  .

So that's my update for now.  S15 and I are going to do a RockBand session then I'll put in my miles for the day FAR AWAY from Neighbor B. 

[formflier]

Remember... your relationship with God is a relationship.  He is the most patient r/s partner I know. 

All relationships take time and effort.  I pray that you have success drawing closer.

I kinda know what you mean about arms length.  My r/s with God has changed some too.  I read less in the Bible, yet what I do read and focus on... .I spend a lot more time on.

I certainly "don't agree" with Him about the direction he has taken my life.  I do have to acknowledge that I've been there before and after time passed, I see the wisdom in his plan.

There is essentially no "religious" relationship between my wife and I.  Things are calmer that way.  We go to church together and pray over meals, but the last few times I opened my heart and got closer... .she stabbed it... .then claimed she didn't or I "misunderstood" her... standard BPD stuff.

Anyway... .best to you BG.

FF

[BeagleGirl]

It's been a few days, so I thought I'd update.

I have been dealing with anxiety on a level that I haven't felt in a long while.  I'm not sure if I have mentioned this here but 4 years ago, while I was having my affair, I started having panic attacks.  I thought (hoped) that ending the affair would end the anxiety, but I went into full blown GAD (generalized anxiety disorder).  I was very hesitant to go on medication for it, but eventually I reached the point of not wanting to live anymore and went on Lexapro.  I went off briefly when I got pregnant in 2015, but after the repeated miscarriages I was back at a place of not wanting to live and went back on.  I was able to go off last spring and have been doing really well until the past week or so.  I think it's my body's response to all the stress and grief that I haven't fully dealt with, but boy does it suck to have to deal with anxiety as well.

I feel like the resolution I've had in my relationship with God and the place I have come to with my dad are relieving a good portion of the stress I have had.  Things are going really well with S15 and S19 is settling into his new apartment.  dBPDxh is largely out of the picture.  I'm tempted to be hard on myself and look at the remaining anxiety as a sign of weakness in me.  Instead, I'm working on reminding myself that this "quieter" time when things aren't on fire around me is the time to deal with the embers from all I've been through.  Under that thin layer of ash are some pretty hot coals and I'm feeling the heat from them. 

I'm still dreaming of the dog we lost a few weeks ago, and in each of them she is falling down stairs and being hurt and I feel responsible but yet helpless.  dBPDxh was in the last one, and it helped me realize that I'm feeling his loss as well as hers.  I'm also feeling both responsible and helpless for the end of my marriage and the impact that has had on dBPDxh and our boys.  I've told God that I don't know if I can handle knowing whether I could have saved my marriage; whether I did the right thing.  I think I've been bracing for facing His disappointment in me.  This morning I'm reminded of the Prodigal Son and how there's no mention in that story of the son being scolded after returning and I'm thinking that the feast and new robes meant nothing compared to being able to look in the Father's eyes and see only love and joy at the renewed relationship.  This is something that addresses what is probably my deepest core wound.  I am realizing that I have been waiting for the moment when God thought I'd be strong enough for him to sit me down and express His disappointment in me and tell me that I could have saved my marriage if I'd just come to Him sooner.  And I'm realizing that is exactly what my dad has done to me.  BUT my dad is not God.  And I feel like God is trying to tell me that moment that I've been dreading is not coming.  He's not disappointed in me.  He sees my heart takes joy in it.

Well, I bet you didn't know God was going to have a recurring role in this show. 

For you Neighbor B fans out there... .We had a brief text conversation Tuesday night (I initiated) that dropped off kind of suddenly and then no communication Wednesday.  I've been missing that regular contact and feeling lots of fear and confusion about what is behind the drop off.  Does he not like me after all?  Did I screw things up by asking him what this is?  Has he read the rule book again and realized I'm bonkers?  Is this normal and I'm just totally over thinking/reacting?  Am I going to feel like this for whole "waiting period"?  Will he still remember I exist at the end of the "waiting period"?  What if I decide I like "just friends" and don't want the "waiting period" to end?  Why doesn't he want to be my friend?  Yep.  Poor Neighbor B has been a wonderful focus for my anxiety ridden brain.

But in the calm of my evening last night (my anxiety usually is intense in the mornings and almost non-existent in the afternoon/evening) he texted with a witty continuation of our text conversation from Tuesday.  He also let me know that he's been doing little more than work and sleep this week and asked how I was.  We texted back and forth a bit more until S15 finished his T appointment and I let him know I needed to go for now and would chat later.  My youngest dog had escaped and was roaming the neighborhood, so after I got home I let Neighbor B know I was going to be doing my laps around the neighborhood with a leash hoping to have a dog on it by the end.  BeagleP teased by getting almost close enough to catch several times on the first two laps and finally allowed me to clip the leash on her on the last lap, just before we turned the corner to pass Neighbor B's place.  He was out on his porch with his dog, who loves and came bounding to greet BeagleP.  Neighbor B came to retrieve his dog and chat with me.  We talked in a bit more detail about what we each had been dealing with this week.  I was able to ask about having some time with his kids to finish a prank we've been planning and he had no hesitation about me spending more time with them in the near future.  I then asked if our friendship would involve doing things together (yes) and let him know I would be available next Tuesday night if he was interested in doing something (yes, if work lets up a bit for him, leaving it up to him to follow up or not).  So I was more forward than I think my friends or T would feel comfortable with, but I'm trying to find my balance and be authentic to where I am right now as well as where I want to be.  I think I can let go of this idea of "something more" more easily if I have some "just friends" interaction time with him.  I'm not going to push it, but I don't feel too bad about inviting it.  Feel free to yell "YOU'RE JUSTIFYING DYSFUNCTIONAL BEHAVIOR, BEAGLEGIRL!" if you feel that's what I'm doing. 

So that's the latest on BeagleGirl.  Thanks for tuning in. 

[Cat Familiar]

Now that external things in your life have settled somewhat, of course all that anxiety that you didn't have time to process is bubbling to the surface.   

You know how helpful physical exercise is in dealing with anxiety and you're anything but weak. You've been through an extremely trying time with all the changes in your life and all the losses.   

Knowing what I now understand about marriage with a BPD partner, I think there is no shame in throwing in the towel after trying to make the best of it. These marriages will always involve compromise and sacrifice that no one who hasn't been in one would ever understand.

I think your next learning task is to have faith. Faith in good things unfolding in your life without you having to effort. You're a wonderful person who has been through an emotional wringer with a BPD spouse and a father who didn't give you unconditional love. Others see you for who you are. You'll catch up with their understanding of your remarkable goodness--it may take a while, but it's coming.

[BeagleGirl]

You know how helpful physical exercise is in dealing with anxiety and you're anything but weak.

Thank you Cat.  The hugs and kind words mean so much to me.

On the topic of physical exercise - I'll give an update on my half marathon training.  I am currently doing 3-4-3 miles midweek and tomorrow will be 8 miles for my long run.  I've reached that point where I feel challenged but also marvel a bit in the strength and endurance my body is capable of.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to set any records.  That's not my goal.  My goal is to give myself and my friends the opportunity to celebrate my ability to endure and finish the race.  The physical exercise has been a sanity saver for me, but having that landmark goal out there has as well. 

My dad texted me this morning.  He needed to vent his frustrations about my mom and talk about the hurt, isolation and embarrassment his physical limitations are causing.  I had the opportunity to hear him without judgement and only offer one suggestion (that he has said he wants to implement and asked me to hold him accountable to).  He joked about moving in with me to escape the chaos with mom and I said "move in, no, but visit, yes".  I made sure he knew it was a real invitation and he's going to consider it. 

I am still doing some care taking in the relationship, but I have felt a shift in myself.  I don't NEED to take care of him.  I'm not booking his plane tickets and figuring out how to get mom to do what he wants her to do or telling him how to handle mom.  I'm not pinning my hopes on having a conversation where he will tell me he understands why I ended my marriage.  I'm just as okay with him deciding to come as deciding not to come. 

It's nice that the anxiety is abating.  I think I may have found a dimmer switch for the overthinking. 

[Insom]

Hey, BeagleGirl! 

Congrats on what sounds like an excellent conversation you had with your dad.  I admire how you were able to express your care while at the same time setting a loving boundary.

How is your half-marathon training going this week?  Did you get that 8-mile run in?

[BeagleGirl]

How is your half-marathon training going this week?  Did you get that 8-mile run in?

Hi Insom,
After a long emotional week last week I got to my favorite running spot on Saturday morning and thought "I may just walk the 8 miles", but it didn't take long for me to transition from walking to jogging and I ended up with a PR for a mile about midway through my run and my overall time per mile was better than the previous week when I did 7 miles. 

I did have an unfortunate run on Wednesday.  About 0.5 miles into my 4 mile run I caught my toe on a raised spot in the sidewalk and did an amazing SuperGirl impression before landing on the sidewalk.  My knees were badly skinned, I had road burn on various parts of my arms and thigh, and my iPhone and Apple Watch screens were both shattered.  A kind woman pulled over to make sure I was okay.  Once I inventoried the extent of the damage I decided to finish out my 4 miles.  I did get one "are you aware you're bleeding" from a man passing me further up the road, but overall it was a decent run.  I took a rest day yesterday but will be back on the road tonight and am pretty sure I'll do my 9 mile run tomorrow.  I have a bit of flexibility since my training schedule has just a 5K slated for tomorrow, but there's a 5K I want to run next weekend when I'm scheduled to do 9 miles so I may just swap weeks.

I've felt my emotions and thoughts stabilize a bit more each day.  I'm still spending more time ruminating about Neighbor B than I feel is healthy, so I'm working on figuring out what is behind that.  I think that some of it is connected to the patterns of overthinking that are probably natural to me and that I developed with my dad and dBPDxh.  I think some of it is looking for validation of what/how Neighbor B feels for me as a means of measuring my worth.  I think some of it is wanting some promise of something more in the future and wanting to work towards that but not being able to.   

My T was pleased to hear that I recognize that I'm spending more time/energy on Neighbor B than I'm comfortable with.  She's been really good about having me pause and celebrate the progress I'm making.  I have been tending to focus on how far I have to go and feeling like I'm a failure because I'm not there yet.  It's good to be reminded that these "small" things are victories to be proud of.

My relationship with my dad has seemed to stabilize as well.  He's been texting me more regularly.  He's dealing with more health issues this week and has tended be fairly negative in his texts.  I'm finding it easier to validate his feelings without trying to fix them.  I tried shifting his attention away from his health issues by sharing my klutzy fall Wednesday and it seems to have worked better than I expected (or wanted).  I hadn't been following the story of the girl who was abducted while running, but my dad has been and my story reminded him that I am a single woman living and running alone.  He's shifted his energy to worrying about me and advising me on how to keep myself safe.  I think that a few weeks ago I would have felt these things as subtle criticism of my decision to divorce, thereby leaving myself vulnerable, or judgement that I'm not capable of taking care of myself.  This week it has been easier to see it as natural concern being expressed by a dad who cares for me and feels helpless to protect me any other way.

I spent some time grieving the impact my divorce has had on S15 and my ability to spend time with him after dropping him off at his dad's.  I don't think I'd allowed myself to hurt over that because I felt that to do so would be hypocritical because I was the one who started the path to divorce (something my T keeps reminding me is not really true, since dBPDxh's behavior put me in a position where I felt it was necessary).  I'm learning to release the guilt and shame and clear the way for grief.  It feels horrible in the moment, but I am hopeful that the healing is happening. 

BG

[Cat Familiar]

I hope you have a good run today. Nice to hear that your feelings are stabilizing. Of course it's fun to think about Neighbor B! You've been subsisting in an emotional desert for years, why wouldn't you enjoy the fantasy of an emotional dessert? But all good things in time... .

That's a nice win on your part to notice that your dad is feeling concerned and protective about you, rather than thinking he was criticizing you! Your triggers here are fading. 

Cat

[BeagleGirl]

Hello all.  I've been taking a break from filming lately, but last night was an interesting "episode". 

One of my best friends (we'll call her L) lives about 4 miles from me.  She recently shared with me and some other friends that her next door neighbors seem to be abusing/neglecting their children.  She called CPS and reported them about 3 years ago, but the kids lied to the interviewers and the net result was to just isolate them further.  A few weeks ago the oldest kid (we'll call her N) started talking with her over their shared fence.  N, who is 18, started breaking down and L invited her to her yard to talk. 

N was pulled out of public school in the 6th grade.  Ostensibly this was so that she could be homeschooled, but in reality she has spent the past 6 years caring for her two younger siblings (also "homeschooled") and the household while her parents are away from home 12+ hours a day.  She has not been allowed to learn to drive and walks to the store to get as many groceries as she can manage on the walk home, feeding the family on $30/week.  She has had sporadic access to the internet, but has managed to maintain some online friendships, not all of which have been healthy.  She has been verbally and emotionally abused by both parents. 

N has self-diagnosed BPD, but I put no confidence in that diagnosis because she is filtering her view of herself through a lifetime of what her parents have said about her.  She has dealt with SI and recently started cutting/burning herself.  She has desperately wanted to leave but feared what would happen to her siblings if she did and seen no way to live on her own.  She was hoping to get her GRD and a job, but when she did an online test she scored at a 3rd or 4th grade equivalence. 

Yesterday N got her grandpa to take her to an orientation for a GRD preparedness program.  Unfortunately, her parents came home from work early and were there when she got home.  Things blew up and when she started to stand up for herself it resulted in her leaving home and her mom telling her to not bother coming back.  She left with the clothes on her back, no shoes, and her phone, which she promptly turned off so her parents couldn't track her.  She went to my friend L's house and L contacted me.

N's parents have no knowledge of my existence or involvement, much less where I live.  When L first came to me and a couple other close friends with her concern for N I told her I would be happy to be a safe place for N to stay while she sorts things out.  With S19 away at college, I have two spare rooms and I am fortunate enough to have plenty of financial resources. 

It looks like I didn't mention much about my new church in previous posts, but that comes in to play in this latest development.  I have been welcomed to an amazing degree by my new church.  Not only have older women surrounded me with love and understanding, I've somehow become one of the 20-somethings crowd.  I think I'm kind of their mascot.    I see this as providence.  I have an 18 year old girl (she'll be 19 in a couple months) who has been isolated and has no idea what it is to be a young adult.  I have a group of 20-somethings who have been loving and welcoming to me, a 42 year old divorcee.  I messaged that group early this morning with a request for prayer and quick summary and they are already anxious to meet N and offering help.

Another area of providence is the work I've been doing to process my experience of abuse.  My experience was nothing near what N's has been, but I am able to listen with a higher level of empathy and assure her that I've had those dark thoughts, she's not alone, and there is hope. 

So that's a brief synopsis of the latest. 

Oh, and for those Neighbor B fans out there... .
I've been working on backing off communication to allow him to take more initiative, meanwhile dealing with the fears that come up when I don't have consistent reassurance that he values me.  More accurately, when I don't FEEL like I have consistent reassurance.  The man has been pretty darn consistent with demonstrating that he values me when I give him a chance to.  He hadn't texted me since Sunday night (gasp!) so yesterday I was working through my new anxiety buster questions - "What am I afraid of?  What is the truth?" in the early afternoon and holding to my decision to let him make the next contact.  Then I got busy with L and N last night.  Around our usual Words With Friends time he played in each of the games and then messaged me "You've been quiet.  Is everything okay?".  I let him know that I was okay but dealing with a situation with someone leaving an abusive home and that I would fill him in later.  He responded with "Good luck, good night, and prayers for you both."  So, yeah, he cares enough to notice when my chatter drops off and be express concern for me.  I'm working on appreciating that for what it is and what it means right now, in this moment without putting a bunch of thought into what it might mean for the future.  He is honoring what he said about wanting to be friends.  That's a treasure I don't want to miss out on.

BG

[Cat Familiar]

How wonderful that you're in a perfect situation through your own experience and understanding--and having a spare room in addition to great connections with young people at your church--that you can help this brave young woman fleeing from an abusive home life.       

Good work giving Neighbor B some empty space to wonder what's going on with you! 

Cat

[Turkish]

Sounds like you are doing a great thing for N-girl 

That situation sounds almost like the plot of a family here in Nor-Cal here last year that made the news.  It's hard for people being abused to stand up for themselves.  The family system adjusts to preserve itself.  The school called CPS on my ex's family due to things her little sister said.  Father was a very violent man.  When CPS came the family lied, kids included.  I remember not saying a lot of what I could have said to CPS when they investigated us when I was 12. It did cross my mind that foster care might have been better than staying with my mother. 

Maybe you and your community there can help N to learn that it's ok to stand up for herself, though it would take time. 

[XSurvivorX]

After "binge-watching" this entire show, all I can say is 

[BeagleGirl]

Time to pop some popcorn.  BeagleGirl is going to go on her first date.

How's that for an episode teaser?  But you'll have to watch the whole episode before we get to that.  (I'm going to pretend you can't just skim/scroll to the end.)

N is a precious girl.  I feel honored that I was able to provide a safe place and listening ear for her.  She needed to talk.  A LOT.  She had started dealing with suicidal and self harm thoughts in the past months that she needed to talk about (nothing active, so I didn't feel the need to report) on top of trying to sort out what was real and "normal".  She's been told by her family that she's selfish and emotionally unstable and all sorts of other  .  She's been lied to and isolated to an extent that she isn't quite sure what's true and what isn't.  When I took her to get shoes (she left home barefoot) she asked what store we were going to and when I told her she said "Oh, that store is closed".  I was pretty sure it wasn't and we were pretty close, so I said we could double check and turn around in their parking lot.  When she saw that it wasn't closed she got the saddest look on her face and said "I don't know what is true.  My dad said this store was closed."  

I was able to listen and validate and share a bit about how I understood some of what she's experienced/experiencing.  By the end of day 2 she said "I feel like I can say anything and I wouldn't shock you."  I responded that she probably couldn't shock me and she definitely couldn't say anything that would make me think she wasn't an amazing and courageous woman who was worthy of so much love.

She couldn't shock me, but she could exhaust me.  Besides the shear number of words that she needed to get out, there was the fact that much of what she had to talk about took me back to many of my darkest memories.  And where I couldn't relate to some of her experiences, I wasn't doing a very good job staying emotionally detached from those either.  By the morning of day 3 I reached a breaking point.  I was handling her pretty much 24 hrs a day (she was having problems sleeping) while trying to be there for S15, prepare for S20's birthday, and figure out how to get her the resources she needed.  And I didn't really have a clear view to a break.  I video messaged my friends a very weepy admission that I was in over my head and they swooped in with encouragement and plans.  L kind of took charge from that point.  I have to say that I'm rather proud of both L and myself.  It's not "normal" for L to be the take charge kind of person and it's definitely not "normal" for me to let go of what I feel is my responsibility, especially when I feel like the need is so great.

L met with N's grandparents.  I had spoken with them on the phone and have some   about her grandpa, but they are family and expressed the intention to help her get schooling and counseling and allowing her to make decisions as she's an adult.  My main fear is that her grandpa is mostly concerned with her getting a job and being able to support herself and live on her own.  This girl needs some space and time to heal, IMHO.  After L and N met with N's grandparents N decided to spend one more night with me and then move in with her grandparents for the foreseeable future.  Her grandparents are allowing her to stay in contact with me and L and I made sure she had emergency money and a way to get in touch with me if she ever feels unsafe.  I've been in contact with her each day and found reasons to visit her at her grandparents every other day.  She seems to feel safe, but also eager to allow L and me to be a part of her life.  I think we will be going to the mall on Sunday (her idea).  

One of the components of my "breakdown" was feeling guilty that I didn't really want N to be a part of S20's birthday celebration, or rather that I wanted it to just be S15, S20 and me.  In the end, it worked out that way, since she moved in with her grandparents that day.  We have been planning S20's birthday "cake" for a couple years.  It all started with a trip to Sweden where we learned the concept of a smorgestorta or "sandwich cake".  I made one for S20's 17th birthday and I have to say it was pretty impressive.  I'm not artistic, but I'm creative.  The cake consisted of about 10 lbs worth of layers of meats, cheeses and breads "iced" with a cream cheese/mayo "frosting and decorated with bacon rosettes with basil leaves.  This was the year of the "warm smorgestorta".  It consisted of, from the bottom up, 4 pizzas stacked as the bottom tier, 10 cheeseburgers stacked in two layers for the next tier, 3 taco bell crunch wraps as the next tier, and a personal chicken pot pie as the topper.  Oh, and 17 bacon skewers and 3 candles to mark his 20th birthday (I was totally bummed that I didn't have 20 bacon skewers, but gave myself a break based on the week I'd had).

Throw in a birthday party for L's D13 that my S15 attended, followed by a sleep over for L's S14 and another friend of S15 at my place and you have a pretty good handle on what I remember of last week.

Oh, and Beagle girl managed to get herself into poison ivy AGAIN while clearing brush on Sunday.  I need my sleep and based on how it's itching now, I broke down and asked my doctor for steroids today.

Neighbor B fans will be happy to know he's still listed as part of the cast, though he's not had much screen time.  He's got a really big project going on that required him to work all weekend and he's been putting in 10-12 hour days so far this week.  I'm still trying to create some space for him to be a bit more in charge of the pace of our interactions, so I've managed to not suggest getting together, and I haven't taken him any of the lasagna I made Monday night, and I've not initiated any conversations until today (sent a text that didn't require a response, but that could still count as initiating).  We still play WWF each night and messages at least a quick "I'm turning in now.  Long day at work.  Sleep well." that I respond to with similar brevity and wishes.

And now Neighbor B fans are saying "Wait.  She teased a date.  Why didn't she say anything about a date in the previous paragraph?"

That's because there's a new character on The Adventures of BeagleGirl.  

I joined a couple dating sites a couple months ago at the urging of my BFFs.  They were concerned that Neighbor B not be the only "horse in the race".  I seemed to hit it off with "Nerdy Doctor" pretty quickly, but we found that our religious views were different enough to be a deal breaker and moved on.  I had a one sided (his side) whirlwind messaging romance with "Short Guy" before strongly and repeatedly suggesting he move on.  I've exchanged a few messages with "Blue Eyes" and told "Persistent Old Guy" I'm really not interested in someone so much older than me.  

And then there's "Cat Guy".  I'm going to give you his storyline in flashback mode.  All of the following occurred over the course of the past 6 weeks.

He "liked" me and messaged me asking questions that indicated he'd read my profile and thought about it.  I checked his profile and suggested to him that he should move on because I'm allergic to cats and he has cats.  He countered with "I'd never allow a pet to get in the way of a promising relationship."  I was willing to go with that and answered his original questions.  We messaged a bit, enough to determine we share religious views and both place the same emphasis on that aspect of potential dating candidates.  He suggested a phone call.  I was a bit hesitant, and suggested more messaging.  Then, after consulting with my BFFs, I consented to exchanging phone numbers.  We set up a day and time frame for a call with the understanding that he would call me.  He texted that morning and said he couldn't make the time frame we agreed to and suggested a later time.  I declined that time (I was picking up S15 and starting a custody week) and suggested other times during the following week.  He said he thought he could make the tail end of the time frame we had originally discussed work.

Then he didn't call.  And he didn't text the next two days to apologize for not calling or set up a different time to talk.  I wrote him off.

But then three weeks later, on a Friday night when I wasn't doing anything, he called.  I picked up.  We had a 30 minute talk where I was myself (not feeling the need to impress him) and allowed him to lead the conversation, which meant there were some "awkward" silences that I was really okay with.  I was open with him about my serious doubts about him as a dating candidate because of the lack of follow through on the phone call.  I also let him know that a guy would need to pursue me because I'm not in any hurry to be in a relationship and I've been in a relationship where I did the pursuing and that didn't go so well. (Those of you reading can TOTALLY call BS, because you know I'm fighting to not be in a hurry to be in a relationship with a certain friendly neighbor... .but Cat Guy doesn't need to know that).  He left off that conversation without any clear indication of when he might contact me again.  I'm not pursuing and, while our conversation was good, I still have my doubts about him after the phone call fail 3 weeks earlier.

4 days later he texts to say he hoped my week was going well.  I responded with "It is.  I hope yours is as well".  

5 days later he checks in to see how my weekend went and shared some about his weekend.  We texted back and forth for about 1.5 hrs.  Mostly getting to know you stuff.  

I decided there was a pattern and placed my bet on him texting me again within the next 4-5 days.  6 days went by.  I decided to write him off again.

So then today - 10 days after the previous text exchange - he texts me the now familiar "How's your week going?"  I responded with what I felt was an opening for him to ask more questions "Quieter than last week, but pretty well."  He didn't take that bait.  Instead he asked if I would be willing to meet him for drinks this weekend.  

So we're meeting for drinks at 4:30 on Saturday.  He has suggested a Mexican place at a midpoint between us.  He already has some strikes against him, and I really am not in a hurry to start a relationship (Yes, yes, I know.  We'll just say from this point on that the Neighbor B caveat is assumed).  I figure this is good dating practice with far less pressure than I would be dealing with if I dated someone I knew/liked.  

Now I need to figure out whether I have shoes to match my casual sombrero.  I'm assuming a 4:30 date means casual.  Maybe I should bring a purse large enough to hold my evening sombrero in case we hit it off and he suggests extending drinks to dinner... .What you think?

Seriously though.  This is where audience participation would be much appreciated.  

I'm pretty sure I can handle myself on a date, but the fact I've never really been on one does have me wondering if I might be a little clueless and miss cues.  I do tend to be very clueless about when men are "hitting on" me, but I guess since we'll be on a date the assumption will be that he's interested in me, so I think I'm good on that.

Well, that's it for this episode.  Looks like the fall season may be heating up.  

[Cat Familiar]

So sweet of you to be so good to N.    You’ve given her a liferope (since it’s talk like a pirate day)... .

And good that you’re going on a practice date with cat man. Always nice to sharpen your skills. 

[BeagleGirl]

(since it’s talk like a pirate day)... .

Arrrr.  So you be sayin this little scalawag missed the chance to do an entire episode in pirate speak?  I be needen to walk the plank for that!

[flourdust]

By all means, go on the date and think of it as a practice date. (I'm considering my first-date-post-divorce which is coming up in a few days as much the same.)

But ... .as a guy, I think this guy is a total unreliable flake. He seems impulsive, not genuinely interested. I'd say the odds are 50/50 that instead of showing up, he cancels at the last minute or simply doesn't make an appearance. Even if he does show and you have a nice time, unless he shapes up really really fast, he's shown you a history of being unable to communicate consistently.

I don't want to be a total Debbie Downer. Maybe it will be completely different once you meet in person. Early signs don't look good, though... .

[Cat Familiar]

I agree with flourdust about this guy being a flake. But if you're wanting to practice, why not just use this date as a great opportunity? And as a cat person, I'd say no way is he gonna get rid of the cats for a relationship, particularly if he calls himself Catman.

It will be a good excuse not to hug him, for the sake of preventing an allergy attack. 

[formflier]

I like the practice date... .and I really hope the guy comes through, if nothing else so you can "practice".

I agree there "strikes"... maybe "potential strikes" against him, yet it really depends on context.  If it turns out he is a guy with not much going on in his life... .that's a big strike.

If he has tons going on, then I wouldn't think much of it... he's busy and you guys were at super early stage.  

I hate to admit it... .but I'm always apologizing to people for being late getting back in touch.  Life seems to consume me.  Not exactly the same thing... but similar.

I also like that you answered when he called... and dove right in.  That's good.  Seems very self aware... .

Also... .there was action versus overthinking... .(from a fellow sufferer of that disorder... nice work!)

I like this show!  

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I like this show!  

One of my favorite channels too. 

[BeagleGirl]

I should probably clarify that he doesn't call himself "Cat Guy".  That was the name I gave him.  His username was much more... .I don't know how to describe it.  It was a username that made me think he is a bit introspective rather than the usual utilitarian or cheesy usernames I usually see.

As a BeagleGirl, I tend to see his statement about not letting an animal stand in the way of a relationship as a  .  If it had been a dog, then it would have been a   (sorry Cat).  

[Cat Familiar]

I'm kinda reeling because our neighbors moved out of state and got rid (didn't ask how) of their two dogs, one cat and three chickens so they could be renters without animals while they shopped for a new house. It broke my heart thinking about how that must have been for their animals. I'm still grieving for their fates.

On the bright side, the new buyers moved into that house and they're awesome. I've gotten to know more about them in a couple of conversations than I knew about the previous owners in 12 years.

[MeandThee29]

I'm kinda reeling because our neighbors moved out of state and got rid (didn't ask how) of their two dogs, one cat and three chickens so they could be renters without animals while they shopped for a new house. It broke my heart thinking about how that must have been for their animals. I'm still grieving for their fates.

Oh, my. I'd feel the same way. We are as attached to our rescue dog as she is to us. It was very stressful finding a rental house where we could take her as we prepared to put the family home on the market. Thankfully we found one owned by a landlord who loves dogs, and the previous owner had dogs. It's a very dog-friendly neighborhood with a lot of other dog owners.

[BeagleGirl]

The episode you've all been waiting for... .BeagleGirl's first date.

Wait?  Is it a date?

Because, in typical sitcom fashion, BeagleGirl got herself into another "Is this a date?" situation. 

I kind of skipped a whole segment in the Cat Guy flashback scene.  I failed to mention (and was reminded by my friends after agreeing to drinks with Cat Guy) that after he missed our scheduled phone call and didn't text to apologize or reschedule I didn't just write him off in my head.  I told him (via text message) that I wasn't interested in moving forward with a potential dating relationship, but would be willing to talk as two people who shared the same faith and had gone through recent divorces.  I know the loneliness and isolation that can cause and got this feeling that he might be jumping into dating when what he really wanted was someone to talk to, so I offered friendship. 

Cat Guy: "My apologies for not getting back to you.  I am a little concerned about not being a match for dating , but I am not quick to jump to conclusions.  Not enough data to make a judgment  If you are interested in still connecting, let me know what days or times you are available."

BeagleGirl: "No judgment here, just following my heart and my heart says you need a sister in Christ, not a date candidate in me.  If that's not ringing true in your heart then I don't think we need to set up a time to talk.  If it is, then I'll give you some options."

Cat Guy: "If there is mutual need, then you may give me some options."

Then followed discussions of when each of us could be available for a phone call, ending with him saying he would give me a call with no specific day/time mentioned.  As previously mentioned, he did call me, three weeks later, out of the blue.

So with that little plot twist, I started wondering if he had also (conveniently) forgotten that whole conversation and was moving forward as if this was a potential dating relationship, or if I had made that shift and was now at risk of being a fickle female.  Our phone call and text exchanges have felt more like vetting a date than establishing a friendship to me, but what do I know?  I've never dated.  So I spent a bit of time mulling over whether I should try to clarify what his expectations were and/or express my willingness to take a step back from "no dating potential" to "I'll keep an open mind".  I consulted my BFFs and got mixed opinions and ultimately decided to just leave it alone and see, after the first "date?" whether it was worth clarifying. 

Friday night my BFFs and I met for dinner and then did an impromptu shopping trip to get me a "date?" outfit.  I won't go into details (taking into consideration the male audience that would probably start flipping channels if I did) but I came home with 4 new outfits.  It was actually a much needed shopping trip, because I have lost about 45lbs this year and my options for well fitting clothes are getting slimmer than I am.  I had an option for a "date!" outfit and a "date?" outfit and two more outfits to just fill out my closet. 

Cat Guy texted me yesterday morning to say he was looking forward to seeing me (date!), but I still went with the "date?" outfit. (I know I've probably lost the male audience on this whole outfit concept, but I'm pretty sure you ladies know what I'm talking about).

And now I'm going to do one of those really annoying mid-plot story line switches.  Bear with me for a moment as we shift over to the Neighbor B story line.

Neighbor B's work project has been at a critical juncture this past two weeks, which meant he had to work last weekend and was putting in 10-13 hour days this week.  I resisted initiating any conversation with him Monday and Tuesday, so communication was limited to good night messages from him in WWF each of those nights, to which I responded in kind.  Wednesday I texted him a picture of the ominous sky - didn't require a response but I guess it sent a "thinking of you" kind of message.  He responded and started a text conversation Wednesday night, but all of the conversation was about him and his week with no questions about how/what I was doing.  I wasn't exactly bothered by this, but I did notice it.  He shared that the next day (Thursday) was decision day and would either mean a project delay, a hard push to complete on time (which could mean another mandatory weekend of work that would mean another week of custody time with his kids lost), or a combination of the two. I (overfunctioning) asked if there was anything I could do to help, mentioning that I could let his dog out in the evening when he needed to work late.  He said he had thought of asking me to do that and said he'd take me up on the offer.

So Thursday night I went and let his dog out.  His dog is 14 and has a hard time getting up off the floor and has been having "accidents" pretty frequently.  I found him in the kitchen, helped him get on his feet and cleaned up the mess I found.  I went and sat on the front porch and he was more in the mood to hang out and be petted than to explore the yard, so we sat and enjoyed each other's company for about 20 minutes before he was ready to go back in.  During those 20 minutes I was noticing that Neighbor B's lawn needed to be mowed.

(This is the part where those of you who are wanting BeagleGirl to back off an bit and give Neighbor B the opportunity to decide if he values time with her and demonstrate that decision through actions can start yelling at your "TV".  I'm picturing you doing so, just like I yell at the girl going down the dark basement stairs in a horror movie when the music is clearly indicating that the serial killer is waiting for her in the basement.)

So BeagleGirl (who happened to have come straight from work and was still in business attire) kicked off her heels and mowed Neighbor B's lawn.  In my defense, I can say that I would rather have done it in a way that would have left Neighbor B with no clue who had done it.  I didn't want him to get the wrong impression that I was doing it as some sort of bid towards starting a relationship.  I can't say I didn't want him to know that I'm the kind of person who does that sort of thing and hoped that would be endearing, but I have mowed another neighbor's (single working mom) lawn before with motivation very similar to my primary motivation for mowing Neighbor B's lawn.  He's been working crazy hours and I knew that if he wasn't required to work the weekend again I wanted him to be able to spend as much time with his kids as possible.  Mowing his lawn would give him that extra time.  That thought gave me joy.  So I mowed his lawn and tried to think of ways to communicate to him that this wasn't crazy stalker lawn mowing.

I let his dog out for a bit longer after the lawn was done and cleaned up his "business" while he explored the yard, then put him back inside and fed him.  I went home with a light heart and texted him an update on his dog so he'd know he'd done his "business" and been fed.

Neighbor B texted me when he got home to thank me for letting his dog out.

Neighbor B:  "My grass seems shorter"
BeagleGirl:  "That's strange.  I don't think I know anyone else who measures their grass.  Do you use a ruler or calipers?"
Neighbor B:  "That's the kind of prank I could get used to!"

(BeagleGirl breathes a sigh of relief that Neighbor B hasn't called for a restraining order and seems to be taking the lawn mowing as a friendly gesture)

We texted back and forth a bit more about his work.  I noticed that there was no inquisitiveness about how my week was going or what I was doing.  Maybe that's because he's assuming that I'll share what I want to share, but it kind of struck me that most of our conversations are not only initiated by me but also seem a bit one sided.

So Friday and Saturday I felt like I was transitioning from not just thinking that I need to step back from Neighbor B, but feeling that I need to step back from Neighbor B.  I even started to entertain the idea of breaking up with Neighbor B (the break up would only need to be in my head, since the relationship is only in my head).  I didn't feel a sense of urgency to make any decisions or take any actions, but I felt like I was a bit more comfortable with the idea that Neighbor B may not want/be able to offer the level of engagement that I want.  My feelings started to shift from having to stop myself from initiating contact to wanting to feeling it was best for me to not initiate contact.  Friday passed with no WWF, and no texts from him.  The only contact we had was him slowing and waving as he passed my house on his way home from work (I was outside getting my yardwork done). 

So Saturday morning ("Date?day" morning) dawns.  I met a friend for coffee.  Cat Guy texted to say he was looking forward to meeting me later.  I did my 11 mile training run.  Went home and got ready for my "date?".  I got to the restaurant pretty early, but just waited in my car until 2 minutes before our meeting time.  When I went in Cat Guy approached me with a smile and casual hug (wasn't sure how that would go, but it wasn't too uncomfortable).  He had already gotten us a table.  We ordered drinks and appetizers.  I hadn't been too nervous, but had wondered if conversation would be awkward.  It wasn't.  One of my friends commented later that she thinks I could have a sparkling conversation with a door knob because that's the kind of person I am.   I think she's right, but he held up his end of the conversation well.  We talked on a wide variety of topics.  I think he was pleased with my company and conversation.  I felt like he did a decent amount of sharing without oversharing.  I don't know if there was "chemistry".  I think I may be a bit slower on physical attraction than intellectual attraction. Maybe he would have to beat me at Words With Friends for me to feel chemistry.    We talked for about 2.5 hrs before I mentioned that time had flown and started making moves to close the conversation and leave.  He paid (I offered but he declined) and walked me to my car.  He hugged me good bye.  We had both stated that we enjoyed our conversation and meeting one another, but there was no mention of further contact.  From what I've read, it's not unusual to wait a couple days after the date to make contact, and he's been a bit "slow" on follow up in the past, so I figure I'll give him a couple more days before writing him off.  I'm honestly okay either way.  I wouldn't mind meeting up again, but I won't be crushed if I never hear from him again.  There weren't any  in our discussion that I could see.  The closest I would say to a  was that his recent divorce was his second divorce.  He disclosed that during our discussion, not knowing that one of my friends had already gotten that information online (she's frighteningly good at that kind of thing).  He didn't talk about how/why his marriages ended and I kind of feel like that would have been sharing too much too soon, so if we do see each other again I think that's something I'd want to understand a bit better to determine what color flag it would be.

I left the restaurant a bit hungry (I had run 11 miles and not eaten much of the appetizers) and REALLY needing to pee (I drank a lot of water over the 2.5 hrs) so I sent a quick text to the friends who were waiting to hear how the date went and video messaged them on the drive home.  They had been sending a flurry of video messages to me during my date (I think I can remove the ?, but maybe that's a good audience poll question), so I had just kicked off my shoes, taken a bio break and was watching their messages while contemplating a peanut butter sandwich when... .

INCOMING TEXT FROM NEIGHBOR B.

[Cat Familiar]

Cliffhanger alert 

I can hardly wait for the next episode. 

[Harri]

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See Part 2 here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329409.0