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Author Topic: Will my bpd wife come chasing me?  (Read 797 times)
Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #25 on: August 20, 2018, 06:45:19 AM »

Ok so last night I hadn’t replied to her message and I had another missed call from her. I tried to call her back and she said to call her abit later. So I did and we had a chat for about an hour, just general conversation, didn’t really talk about anything that she said in the text she was just saying what she had been upto etc. not sure if it was a wise decision not to bring up anything but I was just trying to be calm and patient and didn’t want to have an argument.
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« Reply #26 on: August 20, 2018, 12:38:44 PM »

Or none of us really know what we want?

i am (more or less) referring to that. so far, she has mostly signaled that she wants to divorce. you called her bluff, and whether you intended it or not, the message she seems to have taken is that you do too (you dont). she seems to be reflecting, and regretting. thats pretty common in divorce, especially if someone uses it to get their way, but it can play out a couple of different ways.

but I was just trying to be calm and patient and didn’t want to have an argument.

not a bad move, but if she was talking to you for an hour about general stuff, reading between the lines she may have wanted to connect with you. sufferingsoul34, shes likely every bit as confused as you are, and shes probably not reading you well either.

so dont have an argument, i agree...id be looking for opportunities to connect, to let her talk, to listen, to lead.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #27 on: August 20, 2018, 07:19:38 PM »

What do you mean when you say she may have wanted to connect with me? You think I should do things differently next time she tries to reach out to me? I didn’t hear from her at all today. My therapist recommended that I wait for her to reach out to me at this current time. When you say looking for opportunities to connect with her, do you mean when she reaches out to me?
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« Reply #28 on: August 20, 2018, 07:22:27 PM »

When you say looking for opportunities to connect with her, do you mean when she reaches out to me?

yes. it may be that she wants to talk, nothing more. it may be that she doesnt want to go through on the divorce, but thinks you do...its hard to say.

i tend to agree with your therapist. im just saying when she dangles something out like "sorry i made you unhappy", take that opportunity to let her talk and signal that youre interested in hearing what she has to say.

use those validating questions.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #29 on: August 21, 2018, 08:13:25 AM »

Thank you so much for your advice, so glad I found this website! Life saver!
Ok so my issue is that when I go back to Utah, I don’t want the same again. I want her to go back to therapy and continue taking her Prozac, and also for her to stop messaging guys on Snapchat etc for attention. How would I go about doing this? My therapist says boundaries are important but of course with a borderline it’s difficult.
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« Reply #30 on: August 21, 2018, 09:20:24 AM »

I know when my pwBPD has relationship troubles (with me or others), communication becomes sparse.  And when the communication is sparse, assumptions are made -- assumptions that are often the worse possible outcomes, whether they be true or not (they are almost always not).  These assumptions turn into obsessive thoughts that churn over and over like butter and cream churning in a pot...without end, until they are interrupted.

So by you agreeing to accept a divorce, that may be read as you want the divorce also (in fact, I'd place money on it).  If that is untrue, you should actively correct it.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #31 on: August 21, 2018, 09:27:41 AM »

Ok thanks. So maybe because I called her bluff she now thinks I’m the one that wants the divorce? Even though I told her it’s her decision. I’m still new to learning how BPDs minds work so thank you again everybody for the advice. Do you think I should wait for her to call again or contact me then mention I will be coming back to Utah as I want the marriage to work? Her first response will probably be ‘I don’t want to be with you’ but I don’t know, she may even say don’t come back and then the next day ask when I am going back.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #32 on: August 21, 2018, 09:30:04 AM »

I am basically just trying to figure out a good time to say I don’t want a divorce without her walking all over me.
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« Reply #33 on: August 21, 2018, 09:38:10 AM »

Ok thanks. So maybe because I called her bluff she now thinks I’m the one that wants the divorce? Even though I told her it’s her decision. I’m still new to learning how BPDs minds work so thank you again everybody for the advice. Do you think I should wait for her to call again or contact me then mention I will be coming back to Utah as I want the marriage to work? Her first response will probably be ‘I don’t want to be with you’ but I don’t know, she may even say don’t come back and then the next day ask when I am going back.

When and how the communication should be made -- that's always a tough call.  I'd say, she's coming to you, let that trend continue and make it clear when next you communicate.  I'd say you need to set the record straight in the next 48 hours though, if that means you initiating the talk, so be it.  I'd avoid text messages.  Call her in 24-48 hours if she doesn't reach out to you.  If she don't answer, send a text saying you'd like to talk on the phone.

Text conversations over serious matters are horrible.  Too many precious non-verbals are lost (phone has the same problem -- but to a much lesser extent!).  And when communication is lost (via an extremely poor communication medium), assumptions (often bad ones) fill in the gaps.  I'm not saying change your plans and fly back ASAP -- I'm saying refuse to hold a serious conversation via text.

Others may have better thoughts that vary on this.  I'd be curious to hear them.
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« Reply #34 on: August 21, 2018, 10:19:13 AM »

Ok so my issue is that when I go back to Utah, I don’t want the same again. I want her to go back to therapy and continue taking her Prozac, and also for her to stop messaging guys on Snapchat etc for attention. How would I go about doing this? My therapist says boundaries are important but of course with a borderline it’s difficult.

id put this on the back burner. a laundry list of demands arent usually conducive to resuscitating a relationship. thats the kind of thing to work to get on the same page about, together, and slowly, when and if the relationship gets back to more stable ground.

I’m still new to learning how BPDs minds work so thank you again everybody for the advice.

the same way yours and mine does, but with a much higher than average fear of abandonment, engulfment, rejection, and sensitivity to criticism. you dont need to learn a new language, just to understand her needs as a very sensitive person - she may not always understand them herself or communicate them the greatest.

emotional dysregulation (we arent really talking about that in the context of all this) is the exception. a person who is emotionally dysregulated isnt typically coming from an "understandable" place.

Call her in 24-48 hours if she doesn't reach out to you.  If she don't answer, send a text saying you'd like to talk on the phone.

i think this is good advice. at the end of the day, you know your wife better than we do, shes been your partner for five years. you know how to talk to her, anxiety just makes all of that complicated and we can feel unsure of ourselves.

you dont want to beg, of course. and you need to understand there is some risk of rejection if she is dead set on divorce. but theres absolutely nothing to be lost by being upfront that you love your wife, and you do not wish to be divorced.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #35 on: August 21, 2018, 12:55:06 PM »

Thank you for all of your great advice. My issue is that she usually reaches out to me when she’s missing me or thinking about me. We had our chat a couple of nights ago which like you said is what she needed. The first part of our conversation she was asking if I am going to Utah, I said I am definitely going there so I am thinking maybe that’s what she was looking for in our conversation. I will think what to do, is there any reason why you said to contact within 24/48 hours?
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« Reply #36 on: August 21, 2018, 01:02:06 PM »

Thank you for all of your great advice. My issue is that she usually reaches out to me when she’s missing me or thinking about me. We had our chat a couple of nights ago which like you said is what she needed. The first part of our conversation she was asking if I am going to Utah, I said I am definitely going there so I am thinking maybe that’s what she was looking for in our conversation. I will think what to do, is there any reason why you said to contact within 24/48 hours?

I think it's preferable she comes to you -- she'll be more open to the conversation then.

At the same time, I think the false belief (if it exists) needs to be corrected.  The longer it spins around inside her head, the more damage it may cause.

That's just my $.02.  Again, others may have better thoughts that are worth considering.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #37 on: August 21, 2018, 04:00:04 PM »

Yes that’s the thing. I don’t know if she thinks I don’t want to be with her as I’ve said multiple times I didn’t want the divorce and told her I will be coming back to Utah in our last conversation so I’m guessing that’s what she wanted to hear. My only fear is that she knows I am coming back and knows that I don’t want the divorce so if I repeat it and say it again she might walk over me with the control part of it.

She also just messaged me a random message asking if I heard about some plane in the sky losing its wheels... it’s like she’s looking for an excuse to make conversation with me...
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« Reply #38 on: August 21, 2018, 04:06:06 PM »

it’s like she’s looking for an excuse to make conversation with me...

so make conversation with her.

what has she said, directly, when you, directly, have said you dont want the divorce.
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« Reply #39 on: August 21, 2018, 04:08:00 PM »

so make conversation with her.

what has she said, directly, when you, directly, have said you dont want the divorce.

I was just about to say make conversation with her. It is an opening of communication and communication breakdown is what causes a lot of issues to keep going.  Once communication has resumed, things can get better. Of course, you know it can turn back around quickly as well.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #40 on: August 21, 2018, 04:16:09 PM »

Yes I am having general conversation with her and she’s talking about her studies etc. that’s why I feel it’s not thought  time to talk about marriage issues when she’s opening up and talking to me like normal things again like she did on the phone call a couple of days ago.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #41 on: August 21, 2018, 04:56:39 PM »

When I’ve said I don’t want the divorce in the past she has said that she isn’t happy and doesn’t know what she wants. She says various things. It can go from doesn’t know what she wants, doesn’t deserve me, she said she fell in love with somebody else a few years ago, but mostly she says it’s too late to fix things and doesn’t want us to get couples therapy. Then couple of days later she’s all over me...
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #42 on: August 21, 2018, 07:09:04 PM »

Ok update. We spoke and she was talking general chat again and that she’s getting an attorney to sort out a car crash she was in a while ago. Then she said shall she get an attorney for us? I said what do you mean? She said well you mentioned getting a lawyer on the past for the divorce, I did once when she mentioned divorce a while ago. So I told her no I don’t want a divorce, she said well if you don’t give it to me then I will have to get one. End of conversation. I don’t know whether to text her now or what to do... heads screwed again and now she’s wanting the divorce again but for some reason contacting me a lot... so I just leave it and give a breather for a few days.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #43 on: August 21, 2018, 07:09:38 PM »

I am tempted to message her and say we don’t need an attorney I can give you what you want, but then it may seem
Like I want it when I don’t.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #44 on: August 21, 2018, 07:12:06 PM »

Also tempted to say why didn’t you take the divorce papers in Washington DC when they were sat there signed for a week... but I am not going to text her now when in this emotional state.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #45 on: August 21, 2018, 07:13:55 PM »

She just messaged me ‘trust me you don’t want me back’ what does she mean by that? Really getting to my head now.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #46 on: August 21, 2018, 07:14:37 PM »

I asked what she meant by that and she said I shouldn’t want her. Somebody please give some advice if you’re around, thank you.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #47 on: August 22, 2018, 01:45:18 AM »

I replied to her message asking why she tbinkgs that. And she said ‘nothing has changed, that’s it’
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« Reply #48 on: August 22, 2018, 07:43:53 AM »

I'm very sorry to hear you had a bad night at it.  I know that's rough.

It sounds as though she's in a place where she's crippled with shame.  If you search the message boards here and google about "BPD Shame" you will find many good readings.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/shame-powerful-painful-and-potentially-dangerous-emotion

Shame can drive her to feel unworthy.

What she's feeling shame over?  I don't know.  Maybe that she's so back and forth on your marriage?

It sounds like one of her main drivers for divorce right now is feeling unworthy.  That's just my read.  As before, keep talking/listening (listening especially!).  Now that words are flowing, it may be easier to discern what's going on.
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« Reply #49 on: August 22, 2018, 12:31:44 PM »

is there any kind of ongoing emotional crisis in her life, apart from the divorce, that you know of? possibly something that led up to her asking for divorce?

regardless, shes definitely going through a lot. these are common statements of an emotionally unavailable person, a lot of self loathing, a lot of "you deserve better".

it may seem counter intuitive, but try not to argue with her perspective or convince her how worthy she is, that sort of thing. it can feel like the natural inclination to argue that you do want her back, etc. this can actually reinforce feelings of unworthiness, shame, etc. it sounds like youve avoided doing that so far, but shes shutting down when you ask her to elaborate.

do you know when you might see her next?
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