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Author Topic: Will my bpd wife come chasing me?  (Read 703 times)
Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #40 on: August 21, 2018, 04:16:09 PM »

Yes I am having general conversation with her and she’s talking about her studies etc. that’s why I feel it’s not thought  time to talk about marriage issues when she’s opening up and talking to me like normal things again like she did on the phone call a couple of days ago.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #41 on: August 21, 2018, 04:56:39 PM »

When I’ve said I don’t want the divorce in the past she has said that she isn’t happy and doesn’t know what she wants. She says various things. It can go from doesn’t know what she wants, doesn’t deserve me, she said she fell in love with somebody else a few years ago, but mostly she says it’s too late to fix things and doesn’t want us to get couples therapy. Then couple of days later she’s all over me...
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #42 on: August 21, 2018, 07:09:04 PM »

Ok update. We spoke and she was talking general chat again and that she’s getting an attorney to sort out a car crash she was in a while ago. Then she said shall she get an attorney for us? I said what do you mean? She said well you mentioned getting a lawyer on the past for the divorce, I did once when she mentioned divorce a while ago. So I told her no I don’t want a divorce, she said well if you don’t give it to me then I will have to get one. End of conversation. I don’t know whether to text her now or what to do... heads screwed again and now she’s wanting the divorce again but for some reason contacting me a lot... so I just leave it and give a breather for a few days.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #43 on: August 21, 2018, 07:09:38 PM »

I am tempted to message her and say we don’t need an attorney I can give you what you want, but then it may seem
Like I want it when I don’t.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #44 on: August 21, 2018, 07:12:06 PM »

Also tempted to say why didn’t you take the divorce papers in Washington DC when they were sat there signed for a week... but I am not going to text her now when in this emotional state.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #45 on: August 21, 2018, 07:13:55 PM »

She just messaged me ‘trust me you don’t want me back’ what does she mean by that? Really getting to my head now.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #46 on: August 21, 2018, 07:14:37 PM »

I asked what she meant by that and she said I shouldn’t want her. Somebody please give some advice if you’re around, thank you.
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Sufferingsoul34
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« Reply #47 on: August 22, 2018, 01:45:18 AM »

I replied to her message asking why she tbinkgs that. And she said ‘nothing has changed, that’s it’
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QBert

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« Reply #48 on: August 22, 2018, 07:43:53 AM »

I'm very sorry to hear you had a bad night at it.  I know that's rough.

It sounds as though she's in a place where she's crippled with shame.  If you search the message boards here and google about "BPD Shame" you will find many good readings.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/shame-powerful-painful-and-potentially-dangerous-emotion

Shame can drive her to feel unworthy.

What she's feeling shame over?  I don't know.  Maybe that she's so back and forth on your marriage?

It sounds like one of her main drivers for divorce right now is feeling unworthy.  That's just my read.  As before, keep talking/listening (listening especially!).  Now that words are flowing, it may be easier to discern what's going on.
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« Reply #49 on: August 22, 2018, 12:31:44 PM »

is there any kind of ongoing emotional crisis in her life, apart from the divorce, that you know of? possibly something that led up to her asking for divorce?

regardless, shes definitely going through a lot. these are common statements of an emotionally unavailable person, a lot of self loathing, a lot of "you deserve better".

it may seem counter intuitive, but try not to argue with her perspective or convince her how worthy she is, that sort of thing. it can feel like the natural inclination to argue that you do want her back, etc. this can actually reinforce feelings of unworthiness, shame, etc. it sounds like youve avoided doing that so far, but shes shutting down when you ask her to elaborate.

do you know when you might see her next?
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