How long is to long before refusing to discuss the past

[formflier]

  I think that I see things a bit different that how they appear though.  It may be that I am somehow lying to myself and I need to look at things more to determine if that is true.  I do not believe that I want to be the victim.  I just want things to stop.  

Hey Woodchuck... .I hope some humor can get you to sit back for a minute and consider the bold.

https://youtu.be/uDY1z6ezqO4

What is the general message you are getting from all the different people posting in this thread?

FF

[formflier]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

It is completely predictable that SHE will appear to get worse before she gets better.  Essentially she is "trying to get you back in line".

Consistency is incredibly important in what you do.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Woodchuck,
What I'm hearing from you is that you're tired of dealing with someone who doesn't play fair. You've done all you can imagine to atone for your affair 12 years ago and think this weekend retreat is yet another band-aid approach that won't yield any lasting results.

IMO, $4K would go a lot further and be more effective if spent doing individual therapy.

Yes, you're a "thinker" and she's a "feeler" and lots of misunderstanding arises just from such a different world view.

More than just a "resentment", she's betrayed you about your plans after you retire from your current job. That would be hard for anyone to swallow.

Cat

[formflier]

  I guess the general message I am getting is that I need to figure out what I want and to move towards that.  The 'sub message' would be to work on communication techniques.  

NOO!

Simply NOO!

The road you are driving down right now will lead to a head on crash.  It won't be pretty.  If nothing else.  Put on the brakes an pull over.

Right now you (and she) are able to swerve and each of you is scared and wanting the other one to turn around.

What happens when both of you decide NOT to swerve?

Observe traffic for a while and verify you are in the correct lane of traffic... for the direction you want to go.


FF

[formflier]

The reason I am pressing so hard for a "tactical shift" is that you are so far into the battle, it has become normal.  Let's be "military" here.  Bullets are flying everywhere... .giant fur-ball and to you ... that's business as usual.  My goal of pressing tactics is to get you to disengage... .gain distance and understand the strategy.

Unless you disengage... .I don't have high hopes that you will ever "get" the strategy.  (I could be wrong)

The victim thing  I still struggle with Karpman.  Here is how I work it out now (anyone please comment)  I used to think it was about "feeling".  I "feel" like a victim... therefore... .

I now try to be deliberate in my "checklist" to evaluate the "role" I am choosing to play.  I want to be "over deliberate" about staying away from certain roles.

or

Evaluating two courses of action and deciding which one puts me closer to "the center" of the triangle (where you want to be) rather than on the extreme edges.

So... far starters... it might not be "victim" or not.  But... which of these is less "victimy"  (new FF word)

Summary: 

1.  Stop fighting
2.  Gain distance to think
3.  Evaluate what "role" you play on Karpman.

FF

[Skip]

So... far starters... it might not be "victim" or not.  But... which of these is less "victimy"  (new FF word)

Summary: 

1.  Stop fighting
2.  Gain distance to think
3.  Evaluate what "role" you play on Karpman.

FF

The karpmen triangle is a map for following drama in a relationship. In there is drama, most likely there  is a karpmen triangle.  The primary driver of the dynamics of the triangle is that one or more parties are more interested in being write that finding a solution.

[Enabler]

Very good piece I think re 'victim' and the Karpman triangle

https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/