Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 03:35:34 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Parents! Get help here!
Saying "I need help" is a huge first step. Here is what to do next.
112
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I'm not sure if these are boundary questions  (Read 959 times)
Las

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 9


« on: July 15, 2018, 10:52:43 AM »

What boundaries do you set with your children?
I'm not sure if these are boundary questions,
Do you let your child sleep during the day because it's the only time they are free from thoughts and aren't miserable?
What are your rules about electronic use?
How do you enforce proper hygiene, getting dressed daily, showering and teeth brushing?











Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Gorges
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 178


« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2018, 04:35:58 PM »

I think it depends upon how much you can realistically enforce.  But, I think if the child is living with you these are fair boundaries.  It just really depends upon what you can enforce without your household getting too crazy.
Logged

Gorges
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 178


« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2018, 04:37:39 PM »

You might also want to look at the deeper issues of what your child is not meeting your expectations.  Do they need a schedule for the day? Are they so depressed that they cannot do anything? Address the depression.  Address what they are required to do during the day.
Logged

Las

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 9


« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2018, 04:59:15 PM »

Thank you for your reply. I believe her depression is stopping her from moving forward. She has another ketamine infusion this week along with meeting a psychiatrist with more experience. We'll never stop trying and we'll keep pushing on.
Logged
Las

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 9


« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2018, 05:01:46 PM »

I would be interested to learn how other parents schedule their teen's day. Please reply with schedule ideas and what has worked for your child
Logged
DoneMom
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Daughter’s father and I broke up in 2009 after 20 years together. Now re-married 8 years to a wonderful supportive man
Posts: 61


« Reply #5 on: July 15, 2018, 06:42:48 PM »

Las,

I just recently set a bunch of new boundaries for my 23 year old daughter. She is older than your child but is a very young 23.  She’s living with my sick, elderly mother and I wanted to make sure she will be a help to her and not a hinderance.

She has to keep the house clean... .her room too, though that is generally a mess.

She either has to walk her own dog or pay me/my husband $10 to do it.  She keeps the poor thing crated for up to twelve hours a day without our intervention and boundaries.

She has to get weekly DBT therapy (she finally agreed, starts Tuesday!)

She has to take driving lessons to build her confidence after she wrecked 2 cars within a week.

There’s more but you get the idea... .

With hygiene, mine is pretty good... .she spends at minimum 2 hours to “get ready” to go out, including teeth whitening, makeup, hair styling, etc.  There’s some ocd in her too... .if not perfect it all gets scrubbed off and she starts over.

Any Las, welcome and I hope your boundary setting works... .there’s a lot of good insight and support on this board.

Wishing you the best,

DMom
Logged
Las

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 9


« Reply #6 on: July 15, 2018, 11:03:30 PM »

Thank you for your reply. I'm so happy your daughter is going for DBT Therapy. Keep me posted how she does. At this time, my daughter doesn't think it works so she won't even try.
Logged
loveandcare
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 64



« Reply #7 on: July 17, 2018, 03:06:25 PM »

I suggest addressing the depression first. Get a really good psychiatrist on your team.

I imagine my DDs BPD as a triangle. At the top is the BPD, on one corner is the depression/anxiety, and on the other is her drug use. I attempt to view each thing separately, because I do believe it is possible to live a productive and happy life with BPD if you receive the correct treatments. Since depression is a common co-morbidity, I try to address is as a separate issue. I feel if we can get that under control, then her improved mood will allow her to tackle the other issues with a clearer mind and more positive thoughts.

Having said that, we have been through the gamut of medications. There is a test that can be done, it is a genetic test that a lot (not all) insurances cover. It gives you a good idea as to what medications your child will respond to more favorably. It is a good idea because it minimizes all the "trial and error" and waiting 6 weeks to see if there's any improvement --- typical of your average SSRI or whatever.

Also, we have recently changed to a rarely prescribed medication. However, the reviews of this med are fantastic and I am keen to get going. We are just waiting to pick up the RX and I'll try to remember to give an update on how it's going.


Logged
Las

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 9


« Reply #8 on: July 17, 2018, 11:45:31 PM »

loveandcare,
thank you for your reply. I hope you have wonderful results with your daughter's new meds. yes, keep me posted how she is doing. What is the name of her new medication?

We, actually, did the gene testing and are waiting for the results. Great idea, though!
Logged
Lollypop
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 1353



« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2018, 02:22:52 AM »

Hi there Las

My son27 returned home at 24 following dx and he was in a complete mess. I felt so overwhelmed and didn’t know how to approach practical problems of day to day living. He was depressed and the more I learned here about BPD the more I understood that he was struggling to get through each day.

“Achievable” became my favourite word. For me, there was no point in insisting on him cleaning his room etc when he couldnt (this word is important - it’s not “wouldn’t”) function.

Excerpt
I imagine my DDs BPD as a triangle. At the top is the BPD, on one corner is the depression/anxiety, and on the other is her drug use.

Like loveandcare I saw his problems has quite distinct areas. I’d always thought if he could just stop the drugs, then he could deal with the other problems.  I changed my approach and got myself a simple priority plan to help me stay the course. I spent a long time really thinking about the key things I wanted (for me).

1.  To improve my core relationship with him.
2.  To get him some financial skills.
3.  To have him live independently eventually.

I figured if I could achieve number 1, then all the small Day to day stuff would be easier to introduce as his mood and abilities to function improved. It worked!

By placing our relationship above everything else he slowly started to positively respond. I never talked about problems and I was light as a fairy.

I learnt about boundaries.  My son is a quiet BPD.  I felt I didn’t need any boundaries at first art from “no drugs in the house”.   Boundaries should be 6 foot thick concrete and always come with a consequence. Based on core values:  “you will not hit me”.  

Limits are flexible and relate to day to day living.  For me, it was things like no smoking in the house.  I slowly introduced further limits as he improved. We had successes and failures. Staying to my key priorities in my plan helped me not sweat the small stuff. Fortunately, my son has good personal hygiene habits - this is something I would definitely have tried to find a way.

Having boundaries and limits are supposed to help you and of course them. I kept mine as simple as possible but even then found it a challenge in practical terms.  I said “no drugs in the house”.  :)id this mean over the counter drugs?  Because of my boundary, when he entered a tough patch and felt the need to self medicate, he hid them rather than being open and honest with me about how he was feeling.  My boundary was counter productive to my top priority.

Boundaries and limits should be really thought about.  I needed to have a light environment in my home to help nurture a better relationship.

My son did not seek treatment nor did he stop using drugs.  We now have a much better relationship and are relaxed with one another.  He lives very close by and is working full time managing his own life and finances.  He comes to us for emotional support when he needs it.

I say this because I want you to know there’s hope.  I also want to say that focussing on our core relationship helped save my family at a terrible point in our lives.  

I’m thankful for this forum as it’s been my lifeline. I know the frustration and despair and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with things like not brushing teeth!  How to get them to do the basic things?  It helps if they are listening - for me, I had to get back to basics myself to get him to a place where he could listen and hear me.

Any thoughts?

LP

Logged

     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
wendydarling
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 2701



« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2018, 06:27:11 AM »

Hi there Las 

Like others say if your daughter is suffering with depression I'd focus on addressing that first. It worked for us, getting the medication right made so much difference to her wellbeing. Depression can be truly debilitating. My daughter was bed, house bound for sometime, completely unable to function, it was important for me to validate her feelings. Once the depression was manageable my daughter was then able to focus on managing her BPD.

Does your daughter talk to you about her depression, how it makes her feel?

WDx
Logged

Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Las

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 9


« Reply #11 on: July 21, 2018, 09:50:29 PM »

Hi Lollypop,
Thank you for your response. I appreciate any advise and encouragement I can get. I am so thankful I found this group. It's been such a wonderful support.

I'm happy to hear your relationship with your son is better and he is living independently while keeping a job. My daughter has a long way to go before that'll happen here. I understand the 'couldn't function'. My daughter is barely functioning right now. Some days she doesn't dress let alone brush her teeth.  She is not able to function at school at all. I have no idea what's going to happen when school begins again. We got an IEP for her but I don't think that'll be enough. She may end up at a therapeutic school or back in residential. I'm starting to understand the struggle each day presents and how hard just getting out of bed is.

Like you, I try to keep the home atmosphere as calm and peaceful as possible. That being said, there aren't many boundaries.  When she is in crisis, I give her space and make sure she is safe.I try to be her cheerleader and encourage her to do the things she enjoys. I hope one day she'll open up and talk to me and know I'am always there for her, no matter what. I refuse to give up.

She is starting a new med, I hope she finds some relief from her depression soon.

Thank you for the hope!
Las
Logged
Daisy123
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 170


« Reply #12 on: July 24, 2018, 03:31:43 PM »

Hello Las,
My DD20 is currently in treatment for her BPD at a short term RTC. Like yours, during her high school jr and senior years- we had terrible times getting her to her therapeutic day school. It got rather dicey because so many of her peers were in constant crises. We had placed her in a PHP for school refusal. It turned out my DD has horrible school anxiety.
We attempted limit after limit. When one limit didn’t work- we moved on to the next one. We have to remain flexible. I wish I understood what I know now.

And as Lolipop has said to remain light as a fairie.
We are now prioritizing our home to be a place of refuge.
That is our new limit-one that will require all of us to honor. If one of us becomes dystegulated, then it’s time to implement self care and get our emotional selves back to baseline.

I am with the moms on this feed, treating the depression seems to be a priority for your gal.

We are in a med conundrum, my gal had a horrid reaction to her antidepressant she was placed on in January and had a stream of violent tantrums and horrible suicide ideation. She has titrated eoff of this med and now titrating off of risperdal. We are wondering if her energy level will pick up after getting off of this antipsychotic. It’s been used to treat BPD, autism and self injury- but it can have a zombie like effect on people.

We are also are running a number of tests to see if there’s anything else medically that needs treating, vitamin D and B deficiencies and such. She’s is to see an endocrinologist for Cushing Syndrome tests. Cushing can cause fatigue and depression.

Last fall, we noticed a huge increase of sleep (she sleeps 12 hrs a day or more) in our DD which continued through January ( slept nearly 24 hours  at a time) until she finally had the courage to come forward and tell us she was addicted to Xanax. She’s fought off that addiction but still uses weed.

She went into rehab in January for a 5 week stay to deal with the Xanax addiction but didn’t really address her impulse to commit suicide or her depression.

Now she’s addressing depression and suicide ideation.

Since she’s 20, she’s had to place herself in the RTC and thank goodness she’s still on my insurance. We had to give her a strong push for this last RTC. We said whilst in the ER and police and ambulances- that if she wanted to come home ( Drs did not want to place her in inpatient) that she had to get her self serious treatment. So I handed her my phone and she cooperated and made the appt. for an intake at a RTC  that uses DBT and ACT ( acceptance commitment therapy).

My DD also has had some hygiene issues- we cannot force her to bathe but leave suggestions. Her hair would tangle to the point of hours of detangling with she and I working at it. So I leave her with gentle suggestions. Thank goodness she’s open to them.

So setting limits for us means remaining flexible, willing to negotiate and being patient.

I hope this med helps your daughter. I’m fascinated with the ketamine research. Let us know how it goes.

Daisy123



Logged
wendydarling
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Mother
Posts: 2701



« Reply #13 on: July 25, 2018, 06:53:43 PM »

I relate Daisy123, thanks for sharing here with Las.

I also relate with

I suggest addressing the depression first. Get a really good psychiatrist on your team.

I imagine my DDs BPD as a triangle. At the top is the BPD, on one corner is the depression/anxiety, and on the other is her drug use. I attempt to view each thing separately, because I do believe it is possible to live a productive and happy life with BPD if you receive the correct treatments. Since depression is a common co-morbidity, I try to address is as a separate issue. I feel if we can get that under control, then her improved mood will allow her to tackle the other issues with a clearer mind and more positive thoughts.

Yes loveandcare.

This is a great conversation, share, for me with my DD it's been a straight line, and it's been wiggly a times as many parents know as I caught by breath, balanced myself, they've held me tight and up, thank you.

For me
1) Address addiction, for my DD alcohol. My DD fortunately attended at first point of her acknowledging she was in crisis. See jones54 post. She learnt mindfulness and self soothing, her first DBT skills. Incredibly powerful at the time.
2) Address depression, psychosis ... this was the longest in time of 18 months and the most effective change for DD as it gripped her most. Unable to get out of bed, function.
3) 1+2 = my DD able to engage DBT, to learn she can sit with her uncomfortable feelings and help others through her learning.
4) Current chapter... .she's doing well and is working it out.

WDx  
Logged

Be kind, always and all ways ~ my BPD daughter
BeUTfulDisaster

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 5


« Reply #14 on: July 25, 2018, 11:25:20 PM »

We are focusing therapy for my daughter on Dialectical Behavior Therapy as well as her depression and anxiety.  So we are learning many guidelines and rules to communicate better with her.  And to make life livable for all of us now and in the future.  It hard to remember the rules and apply them when she is raging.

I can say eventually when your girls mood is stable enough that she can learn new skills then perhaps it’s okay to offer choices and set boundaries in your household.  It’s not necessary to always have to walk on egg shells around our kids.  My girl has been on mood stabilizers for 6 to 8 weeks.  Her therapist says it’s okay to start small so I chose her mess in our guest bathroom as a daily goal. So,  Today I asked my girl politely to clean up the bathroom when she’s done in it, she is quite a mess maker.  The sink was grey! She was so mad at me. She yelled “Don’t talk to me”, and slammed her bedroom door.  However after her rage she got to LOGICAL THINKING and did it. 
Logged
loveandcare
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 64



« Reply #15 on: August 22, 2018, 03:14:36 AM »

Well, despite our very high hopes, our DD18 turned her back on us and the meds, walked out of our home in favor of drugs. We have tried everything to help, the latest was the Vivitrol shot. She refused to take the 2nd shot, went right back to drugs.

Logged
SkellyII
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 68


« Reply #16 on: August 23, 2018, 11:11:11 PM »

What boundaries do you set with your children?
I'm not sure if these are boundary questions,
Do you let your child sleep during the day because it's the only time they are free from thoughts and aren't miserable?
What are your rules about electronic use?
How do you enforce proper hygiene, getting dressed daily, showering and teeth brushing?

For my 15 year old BPD daughter:

She has a sleep disorder, so her doctors tell me she has to keep regular sleep hours, so I limit her sleeping during the day.
The wireless is set to automatically turn off at 9:30, she has to be in bed by 10:00.
She doesn't have a phone at the moment, since she has failed to turn in her school homework. She will get it back when she gets caught up.
No smoking.
She has to keep her room picked up. It got so bad one time that it took months to get rid of the mice and gnats. No PS/4 use, until the room gets picked up and her clothes washed.
While it is assumed that she will shower everyday, and she usually does. I can judge her level of depression by her hygiene. It's a sign of when I should or should not be more concerned about her emotional state.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!