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Author Topic: I just saw my BPDex.  (Read 1653 times)
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« Reply #30 on: August 29, 2018, 12:20:20 PM »

CryWolf,

Everyone here is giving you some solid insights, and definitely some encouraging words.  It sounds like she still has a little bit of a hold over you, bud.  That's not your fault, BPDs can be extremely captivating and these invisible tendrils weave their way into you and your life. Its almost like parts of them get into your marrow.

I would say that you definitely should look at this all as one huge learning experience.  It ain't easy, but when you had originally mentioned 'she moved on, I guess I need to. It sux' - I don't think it does. 

Look, I think each and every one of us have some form of regret or frustration or emotion over the time and energy that we've put into our relationship; and whether your relationship w/ a borderline ended or not, it still can be really distressing to feel like you 'wasted' so much and now have little to show for it.

It happens man. No sugarcoating it.  My best words of advice would be to forget the image of her that you thought was who you were getting involved with.  Most likely, that image was something in your mind only. She may have been that for a short time, but it was just to get you in for her own needs and purposes.  Sucking up any loss is hard to do.  Pride doesn't always taste good - but its your, and you can stomach it.  Play it like Gotye, man.

... .now she is just somebody that you used to know... .

I hope you're able to put it behind you and move on!
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« Reply #31 on: September 04, 2018, 10:36:20 AM »

I was walking with a friend. i saw the back of this girl, and not sure if it was my ex. had the same backpack, and haircut. similar walk. but the leggings she was wearing was something my ex would never wear. this girl seemed to have really thick thighs. I asked my friend if she thinks thats her and she said "no she isnt that thick unless shes been getting good sex"... my mind went haywire. my friend said i shouldnt care, and i dont even know it was her. But the backpack, haircut were similar. Idk. I could be

I started wondering if shes been having sex and why she stopped with me and all these different scenarios. Im thinking about how shes probably having sex with someone else and i dont even know if it was her. Im so anxious now, and just need to set myself but I cant. im in class and im just wondering. When i saw her 2 weeks ago she didnt look like she got thicker/working out. but now my mind is playing tricks on me and telling me how she is happier, having lots of sex living her best life without me and my whole "i wasnt good enough" thoughts are coming up. Im in class as I write this, and I cant focus.

she shouldnt even matter anymore. I do so good, and then little things out of nowhere make my mind go crazy. I want her happy, but at the same time I dont. its childish. I just dont want to see her anymore. I dont want any connections or anything.

whether this girl was my ex or not, i dont want to be affected. my friend told me it was probably all the caffiene I had and my mind is playing tricks and i shouldnt worry.
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« Reply #32 on: September 04, 2018, 11:08:37 AM »

I guess what I’m implying is I’m not sure if my ex is doing better without me and was I the reason for all the pain and agony? Is she now happy when she left me? Why did she stop having sex with me and telling me she doesn’t like sex but now all of a sudden with someone else? I don’t even know if it was her... .
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« Reply #33 on: September 04, 2018, 12:42:35 PM »

She was the way she is before you and will be the way she is after you and you're not the reason for her problems. It's unfortunate that you are in a situation where you have to run into her (or her doppelgänger) but it's a good opportunity to strengthen your own emotional reserves. Not fun, but it's another one of those "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" things.  

I ended up taking a photography class in college and my ex had also signed up for that, unbeknownst to me. At that point, he was stalking me at home and at work, so it was quite uncomfortable. We just went NC in class, except for one assignment when we had to work together, but by the end of class, though it was still awkward, it was tolerable and that was the end of our contact, ever.

So you're newly navigating these issues, so give yourself a lot of slack. It will take time but you'll get there and it won't be so painful.    

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« Reply #34 on: September 04, 2018, 04:53:53 PM »

I guess what I’m implying is I’m not sure if my ex is doing better without me and was I the reason for all the pain and agony? Is she now happy when she left me? Why did she stop having sex with me and telling me she doesn’t like sex but now all of a sudden with someone else? I don’t even know if it was her... .

In some ways I feel I did make things more difficult for my ex, unwittingly. Its by enabling parts of the condition without conciously realising it.

When I split with her after 3 years together and finally went proper NC, within 4 weeks she got herself a job, when I saw her at that point she was visibly happy, told me she was no longer on drugs, her newfound identity came out of nowhere but for that moment she was thriving. She also told me when we were together that I had made her mental health worse. It really upset me, to think that I did everything for her, rescued her, kept her out of trouble. Its true, I was partly her caretaker and kept her safe from the troubles she got into. At the same time, being there to do it is a bit like how people drive more recklessly when they have car insurance. When i left and that safety net was gone, she became resourceful and it took me by surprise, she wasnt so incompetent at dealing with life as she had perpetually portrayed. It just suited her and was more convenient for someone to carry her weight.

I was also majorly used as an amateur alternative to therapy, her trusted shoulder to cry upon. It enabled her to not bother to going for real help.

The truth is, she hasnt made major strides, she has just switched to finding a new enabler elsewhere. We werent the reason for the pain and agony Crywolf, but we werent the real cure either. I see myself and i interpret most of these relationships as people stabilising and protecting our BPD partners as best we can, but at the same time providing a crutch that is a replacement for them seeking professional help they need. It gets them accustomed to simply seek enablers rather than begin hard work on their issues.
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« Reply #35 on: September 04, 2018, 05:28:39 PM »

I guess what I’m implying is I’m not sure if my ex is doing better without me and was I the reason for all the pain and agony? Is she now happy when she left me? Why did she stop having sex with me and telling me she doesn’t like sex but now all of a sudden with someone else? I don’t even know if it was her... .

are you these things without her?

i remember my first love. a whole lot of fighting. a whole lot of tears.

i dont know if it was a matter of "it was me/it was her". we were two young and immature people that loved and also hurt each other... .not unlike my ex and me.

but after that ended, and as for the rest of my life, it was me and it was about me solely, i was the common denominator. my baggage didnt end just because my relationship did any more than it did for my exes.

we dont get do overs, and we dont want to carry that baggage into the next relationship. we can learn important lessons though, about life, about love, about ourselves, and thats where the real healing is.
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« Reply #36 on: September 05, 2018, 08:41:02 AM »

I am doing my best to appreciate my time with her and our memories spent together. She shaped me into the person I am today. Helped me grow up and see difference in things. I am still hurt, and affected by the break up. I need to accept this, and be okay with how I'm feeling instead of pushing it away and telling myself no dont feel anything anymore in regards to her. But everytime I see her, or something similar or someone that looks like her, feelings come rushing. I get reminded of so much. I blame myself and im too critical on myself.

Lately ive been blaming myself for everything wrong in my life and comparing myself to others. Everything she accused me of Im trying not to be or fall into those patterns. This is a toxic habit that I should get rid of. I appreciate and love my ex, but at the same time I hate and resent her for so much hurt and pain. And I assume this is part of moving on and grieving. I want my life back and I am in a way better position in life than when i was with her. But I wish she was here and seeing it. I think this also goes with the attatchment we had. But also, I can see approval seeking/validation seeking in this which I ask myself now, and try to stride away from. Never in my life was so i so close with anyone before, besides her. And her leaving stripped so much away from me. I sometimes question if im also narc, or any traits. My t says im not.

I wish I stopped seeing her on campus, but i guess the next step is to work on my feelings when i do see her and not stumble into anxiety and obsessive thoughts again. No one has ever made me cry so much in my life, unlike she has.

Thank you all for being here for me, for so long and understanding.
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« Reply #37 on: September 05, 2018, 05:06:58 PM »

Just found out my ex is officially with someone.
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« Reply #38 on: September 05, 2018, 06:20:05 PM »

I want my life back and I am in a way better position in life than when i was with her. But I wish she was here and seeing it.

I can relate CryWolf, but does it really matter what she thinks, anymore? did it ever really ever matter? her or anyone else?

Wether she admires you, or envys you, would like you back as the stronger person, or begrudge that you wouldnt be hurt so easily now as once was.

When I texted my ex to tell her I was going to work - there was no reply in the midst of all the chitter chatter.

Part of going LC, had an element of "if only you could see me now"... .natural confidence in our life achievements i believe shouldnt require external validation.

Did she make you feel insecure, that youd fallen below some sort of standards she expected? You gotta untangle from this CryWolf, not only have you went on to accomplish things you are proud of - youve done it in the midst of shouldering a lot of emotional burden. Imagine what your potential to achieve when that is gone too

I have no idea how your ex will rate you now, just as much as I dont know mine. Mines had a track record of peddling in misery, highlighting negatives - I dont think she will be all that interested, my wellbeing doesnt correlate to her need fulfillment. When I got a new job when we were together, the first thing she asked was how much id be getting paid.

if my getting on track has with it, an open door for her to come in and sabotage again with her seduction or to use me again. Thats my best guess to. In the absence of ever truly knowing - if we say that you wish she was seeing your progress - whats your best guess about how shed feel? Would it not feel weird for her to all of a sudden fall in love with this "new" person?

Im just interested because in my mind there seems simply no point to it in detaching, if anything, it is holding you back.
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« Reply #39 on: September 08, 2018, 07:17:06 PM »

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-hn4rx644sc
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« Reply #40 on: September 10, 2018, 07:18:13 PM »

On the second floor of the library studying with my classmate. I look across the window and see someones back sitting down studying in the computer section of the library. Could be my ex or not. Similar shirt, how she sits and does her homework.

Or could be someone else. I keep glancing over, but trying to remind myself whether it is or isnt will not change anything. Another thing is, when i seem to notice her or someone that could be her, is when I am lacking sleep and have only slept 3-4 hours the night before. Could be mind playing tricks on me.

but does it really matter what she thinks, anymore? did it ever really ever matter? her or anyone else?


Did she make you feel insecure, that youd fallen below some sort of standards she expected? You gotta untangle from this CryWolf, not only have you went on to accomplish things you are proud of - youve done it in the midst of shouldering a lot of emotional burden. Imagine what your potential to achieve when that is gone too

I have no idea how your ex will rate you now, just as much as I dont know mine. Mines had a track record of peddling in misery, highlighting negatives - I dont think she will be all that interested, my wellbeing doesnt correlate to her need fulfillment. When I got a new job when we were together, the first thing she asked was how much id be getting paid.




it doesnt matter, but for some reason i feel like she still has this say or hold over me. And im still trying to please her. Its not there as before, but now i still feel it at times.

i replay all the good memories and idea's of what could of been when i see her. I am doing better though,  but its still hard.

When i got a raise at my last job, I took her out to celebrate. Told her and she said "yea ive heard that before." referring to my previous job which i kept getting told i was getting raise but didnt. I felt like my raise was overshadowed from my previous job and how I was lied to about getting a raise for months until that company went out of business...  

I felt like I always had something to prove to her and show my worth...
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« Reply #41 on: September 10, 2018, 08:48:13 PM »

Hey, CryWolf. I take great interest in this comment.

I felt like I always had something to prove to her and show my worth...

Perhaps you’re on to something here. It’s been expressed quite often around here that our pwBPD are severely lacking in self worth, that they have little to no sense of self and that they mirror and project. Could it be possible that you ended up feeling this way because of the aforementioned?
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« Reply #42 on: September 10, 2018, 10:27:17 PM »

Hi CryWolf,

As I read your post I have this sense of your ex like being a ghost in your life. She haunts you. She is always there on the edges, filling in the space, those missing pieces, those doubts and insecurities. I’ve mentioned many times a 13 mo. relationship I had and how that haunted me for awhile. It ended suddenly with no chance to resolve things or understand why. I was left alone with a heap of feelings to process and no answers - that made it harder to get over, but get over it I did in time and with perspective. And eventually I could see clearly I had “dodged a bullet” although at the time he seemed like one of the most amazing people I’d ever met. He was a talented musician, mentor, and teacher, seemed to have good values, he gave very selflessly to others, he was kind, caring, and generous, we had a superb sex life, he was comedian level hilarious, etc...

Again, your mind is a tool. Use it. And so is time. Time will pass. This will all fade. I promise.

When you see this “ghost” talk to it…and gently tell it to go away and leave you in peace. It is okay to remember the good parts, and look back fondly, I always do, but make her the past. Once that ghost is at peace it will stay in the relationship graveyard rather than come out and disturb you on the surface. Life is for living. Regrets are for leaving behind, letting them go. There is no going back in time.

You were absolutely “good enough” no matter the mistakes you may have made. We all make mistakes, they don’t have to be dealbreakers if we are with loving people who care to make things better with us. If they aren’t willing to do that they were not the right person for us. Period. Illness or no illness.

This guy I briefly dated was great in many ways, but ultimately, he was not the right person for me. Not at all. As painful as it was though I don’t regret meeting him. He spoke 3 languages I think and well, after that everyone I dated spoke 4-5 of them! And I always had great sex because sex is about love for me, not any magic numbers someone can do. So. Check! There were always interesting people, and great conversation, and laughter, and dreams, and hopes and love and then comes the work! Then come the real tests, and the right timing, to have even a hope of a chance at “forever”. Let your heart be at peace.

The best thing you can do to be ready for the next relationship is to learn to really love and be happy with yourself. Then no one can bring you down. And no one is ever truly lost or gone. They have changed you a bit. Added to your life. This guy helped me to make some shifts in who I was dating, some of these changes worked out, some didn’t. Pain didn’t go away in my love life, but that is okay, you cannot eliminate all pain. There has always been a bit, but that is the beauty of life really. The risks we take for love. How beautiful that we get that excitement even if it is brief and fleeting.

You met her, she’s gone now. But that changed your life for the better. You got inspired to be a better person, a better partner to the next woman you meet, you won. Life did not defeat you. There is so much more to come! I promise! Good stuff, really good stuff is coming.

warmly, pearl.
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« Reply #43 on: September 10, 2018, 10:33:20 PM »

Quote from: CryWolf
I felt like I always had something to prove to her and show my worth...

In a healthy r/s, one shouldn't have to do this,  much less feel it, though the latter is more about us. 

Both my ex and my mother shamed me about things like this,  though I've done far better than either of them financially.
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« Reply #44 on: September 11, 2018, 09:40:04 AM »

You know those old sayings: "Time heals all wounds" and "Time wounds all heels."  I don't know your story well, but it sounds like she wasn't very nice to you. From what I see of you here, you are a great guy, very kind and understanding, and deserve an equal who will treat you well.

As pearl has said, you've learned a lot from this relationship and that will serve you well and will attract a much kinder, healthier woman into your orbit.
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« Reply #45 on: September 11, 2018, 03:13:41 PM »

CryWolf, a lot of this I think you know yourself will be partially due to lack of sleep.

In addition, the anxiety of having her at college, I could only begin to start to settle down and forge a new life when she was out of sight, if not out of mind.

I think I recall this was your first relationship? Its going to be an extra whammy, but there is also a very big advantage to it happening you will be an emotionally strong person and the harder it feels to overcome, the stronger you will be once you do. In the meantime, please concentrate fully for no1, she had her chance, there is nothing more to "please", but getting yourself to your goals; keep pace with your studies, if you want my advice; cut your losses here as well as accept that there will be other disappointments in life, other dreams that done turn out how we wouldve liked them to. At the same time there will be more relationships, ones that will bring you joy, rather than upset.

pleasing her is not helping her, it is enabling her. If your beating yourself up for what I remember you saying a few months ago that you felt you didnt do enough - its because your right. Whilst many BPD seek out "nice" people, it isnt the cure for them, neither is it to be accepted that they will treat them nice in return for it.

is it possible you tried to please her too much? Many have abnormal distrust issues, the more you do, the more the hidden agenda theories crop up in their minds. Sometimes in life we "lose" anyway, despite our best efforts. Shes with someone new, moving on with her life, the obligation to please if it was ever made one surely has become redundant, or in my opinion, should be.  It sounds like a strong thought pattern habit that became ingrained and needs a bit of time to break free from.

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« Reply #46 on: September 20, 2018, 07:41:01 PM »

Hey all, sorry for the late reply. I have been so busy with school...

I saw my ex on campus yesterday. I didnt feel much. I got a churning feeling. I walked by her, then had to walk past her again to use the restroom and back to class as she was standing with classmates.

My stomach was churning and I didnt know what to feel and didnt feel much. Later that night I thought about her and how she was doing.

Just now, I saw my classmate's instagram story. My ex and her possible new man were posted on there. I saw her and heard her voice... .

Here I am again...

I dont know if this classmate told her anything. We both opened up about previous relationships, and now I dont know if I should have trusted her.
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« Reply #47 on: September 21, 2018, 12:00:24 PM »

I didnt feel much. I got a churning feeling. ... .My stomach was churning and I didnt know what to feel and didnt feel much.

It sounds like what you are feeling is anxiety. Doesn't that sound consistent with a lot of your thoughts and behaviors?

The good news is that anxiety is common and highly treatable ... .both with medication and with therapeutic techniques that you can learn to self-administer. How about making an appointment with your university's student health services or counseling center?
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« Reply #48 on: September 25, 2018, 02:43:51 AM »

It sounds like what you are feeling is anxiety. Doesn't that sound consistent with a lot of your thoughts and behaviors?

The good news is that anxiety is common and highly treatable ... .both with medication and with therapeutic techniques that you can learn to self-administer. How about making an appointment with your university's student health services or counseling center?

I noticed it’s mostly whenever I see,hear, her or anything that remotely has to do with her. It gets triggered Bad. Not sure if it’s ptsd.

I have been seeing a school therapist for months now. He wanted me to see him less and less because I’ve improved so much. As for anxiety I know I’ve had it for a while but it’s better managed now with putting less stress on situations. And going with it without hoping for a specific outcome and forcing it.
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« Reply #49 on: September 25, 2018, 02:26:21 PM »

Haven’t slept in over 24 hours. Took a huge exam. And then my female friend (pretty cute) wanted to catch up.

We’re sitting and talking, and I’m dressed in sweats and a hoodie and a hat. I don’t really dress this bad but today was an exception, and then my ex walks through the door and sees me and her sitting. I saw her give a quick glance while she was on the phone.

My anxiety didn’t go off as much as before. Not sure if I miss her or the idea of her. Still love her but I suppose we’re both in better places now.

My classmate had lunch with her and the guy who i thought she was dating. Last week. I told her “I saw your ig story and she looks happy, im happy for her” and my classmate said “they aren’t dating, we’re jut all close friends from that class. She’s happy being single”.

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« Reply #50 on: September 26, 2018, 05:02:51 AM »

Hey all, sorry for the late reply. I have been so busy with school...

I saw my ex on campus yesterday. I didnt feel much. I got a churning feeling. I walked by her, then had to walk past her again to use the restroom and back to class as she was standing with classmates.

My stomach was churning and I didnt know what to feel and didnt feel much. Later that night I thought about her and how she was doing.

Just now, I saw my classmate's instagram story. My ex and her possible new man were posted on there. I saw her and heard her voice... .

Here I am again...

I dont know if this classmate told her anything. We both opened up about previous relationships, and now I dont know if I should have trusted her.

Crywolf,

Im glad that you are getting more intune with these feelings, listen to them and dont fear them

also dont "worry" about whats already been done, it serves no practical purpose.

Your ex is not the only problem, there is a building you are in (and this is not to scare you) TEEMING with an assortment of disorders, a few psychos sprinkled inbetween. In the median, will be gullible, gossip hungry sheep who like anything to distract attention from their own vaccuous lives.

this is where you and your ex come into the Stage play.

just remove the fuel and that involves finding consolment in secure 3rd parties, a counsellor, or here for instance. to repeat

your ex is not the only potential problem, is not rare, use this experience to build safe guards in, ive spent many careers having to tip toe around; "Psychos" for lack of a better term. At the least, there are those with such vaccuous lives that to spread gossip about you and get some drama, distracts away from their own emptiness

at your expense.
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