just started the book " walking on eggshells and wow

[rugby21]

Have been married for 20 years and am half way through the book "Stop walking on Eggshells" and WOW.

 Not concerned as much about me i can deal with drama, but i am real concerned about  our daughters who are 12 and 16. I am starting to see the stress on them, arguments, passive aggression,   the " why don't you respect me" " i gave my whole life for you" blah blah blah. The girls hate her, the mother daughter relationship is hard by any standard but but think my wife has BPD.

 I thought it was a drinking problem and brought it up to her and that was a f***ing war.
i brought up getting a job "she does not have to work", and that brought up you think i am lazy. I thought it would help her,, she sleeps all the time during the day.

We have gone to therapy because she says i needed it, my wife's mom may have the same thing BPD but defiantly she narcissistic. My wife has narcissistic tendency's as well  which i have found are a characteristic of BPD. I could go on and on but that does not fix it.

I guess my question is how can i get my wife help? i think she will feel attacked but more importantly how do i help my daughters? if i take them to counseling my wife will feel threatened. any ideas?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us though I am sorry for what brings you here. 

I guess my question is how can i get my wife help? i think she will feel attacked but more importantly how do i help my daughters? if i take them to counseling my wife will feel threatened. any ideas?

We do not recommend telling a loved one we think they have BPD.  It is usually not well received and yes, they often feel attacked and can sometimes turn it around on you.  Really, the best thing you can do for yourself and your wife and kids is to learn about boundaries, how to validate or more accurately not invalidate the pwBPD (person with BPD) and other communication strategies that can help you manage.  These are skills that can be taught through demonstration to your kids along with some basic instruction though it is not recommended hat you share your suspicions about BPD with them. 

Right now, I would ask that you share some more details about the types of conflicts that occur and how you currently deal with them when they do occur.  It will make it easier to guide you if we have more information.  I also suggest you dig in and start reading and posting.  You can benefit a lot by hearing others stories and supporting them while working on your own relationship skills.  I am not saying you are doing things wrong, it is just that most of us have learned that what we were trying to do was often feeding the conflict rather than help.

I am glad you reached out and posted and I hope to hear more from you soon.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi rugby21 and joining Harri in welcoming you! 

I think Harri hit all the key points really well so I will just add a little bit about the relationship with your kids. One of the most toxic things that can occur when one parent has BPD is a kind of triangulation where everything you say or do parenting wise is effected or thrown off course by the pwBPD (person with BPD).

For example, you hold back on what you feel is the right parenting approach because you are worried it may trigger them.

How would you describe your relationship with your daughters independent of your wife? Do you have any space to engage with them in a your own, healthier way?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[rugby21]

Thank You for the response,
okay here is a little background, we have been together for 25 years married for 20. my wife's father died when she was 8 her mother is narcissistic could be BPD either way it is very toxic.  My wife is a good person she means well, she has always been an emotional roller-coaster. i thought it was hormones but it is more then that. I thought it was her father passing, that was 42 years ago, she started to have an affair, she blamed it on travel.   I travel often for work maybe 150 days a year give or take i have always traveled, however when i am home i am full-on. We went to marriage counselling seemed to help, she continued with the therapy for a while to deal with her father passing and her mother issues. Her mother lives near us and Every holiday is a nightmare, my wife has a bother who is worthless and does not want is mother around " i don't blame him"
My wife hates my parents " i think my mom looked at her funny once and visited us right at the time my second daughter was born" my wife went nuts she was livid "who visits right at the time of a birth" i said   they are my parents i am 1 of six so we never visit them and if we do i have to monitor to make sure my wife stays in composure. my wife will tell anyone who will listen about how bad her mother is and about how my parents are awful.  i don't see it. my wife also says i never stand up for her, i never defend her ,i will and i have, that is her perception. she has threatened to leave, told me she is no good, says i should be with someone better,   i could go on blah blah blah. i feel for her my wife is in pain i don't think she has ever been happy she is a bear when she wakes up and anything can set her off. She self medicates via wine everyday.

I think i let things roll off me i don't say anything until it gets bad and then a react which is wrong. i have taken it for my family. i relieve stress via judo and working out i do drink as well.

Now my daughters are starting to get the brunt of it, the oldest will go off to college in 2 years and she cant wait. she has learned to ignore the comments, but they are hurtful she plays lacrosse and her and i travel. she knows her mom is a little crazy and she says why does mom drink so much.

My youngest is 11 and she is a fighter she snaps back everyday there is an argument over homework really anything. They fight like sisters. she gets called lazy, in-grateful,  you name if. she hates her mom. I come in and stop the fight and my wife says what are you trying to do be father of the year. i need to protect them from their mother, sometimes sometimes she is a great  mother, sometimes she is Cinderellas step- mother.
my wife says "i am trying not to screw-up my daughters like i was" the fact is she is doing the exact thing she is trying not to do.   

we did have a good talk she does not want to be the person she is sometimes. I thought is she stopped drinking if would help and would send her to rehab or something but not sure that would be any help.

I am meeting with a therapist tomorrow to start the ball rolling.
any ideas? 

[Bnonymous]

Hi Rugby21,

It's very difficult when there are kids involved. As a parent, your instinct will be to defend your children, though you won't want to risk triggering your pwBPD in such a way that she takes it out on the kids. As RolandofEld says, these worries can lead non-BPD parents to walk on eggshells and hold back on their own parenting approach, which is a great shame as the kids often benefit from healthy models of parenting providing a counter to what they are seeing from the pwBPD.

Harri's suggestion that you could learn some tools for bettering interactions with your pwBPD and teach them to your children by example is excellent - this will help you to protect your kids and teach them how to protect themselves.

How did the appointment with the therapist go? Did they have any helpful advice or insight you'd like to share with us?