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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: How much did procrastination delay the decision to detach?  (Read 858 times)
Cromwell
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« on: September 01, 2018, 12:04:33 PM »

I wanted to split up from my ex 3 months in to the relationship.

Why did I get that thought, but - from what ive since read an article about - "procrastination" might have played a part.

The part I found most interesting was; The science of avoiding: our brains are drug addicts
https://thenextweb.com/lifehacks/2014/03/27/brain-freeze-science-procrastination-smart-brains/

Maybe all of this prolonged anguish was simply the result of a faulty amygdala. If you read the article I found it interesting to see how emotions have been discovered to play a big part in putting off difficult decisions - its hardwired in, our primal brain that gets triggered with anxiety when faced with difficult task. This starts to make a lot of sense when I look back and feel I wasnt "able to think straight", and felt overwhelmed with emotions, at the same time knowing on a rational level what I needed to do - but not being able to do it. So procrastination played a part, it lasted 2.5years.

When I tie in the theory to my experience with BPDx - it wasnt that I didnt want to leave on a rational level, I was afraid of doing so on an emotional level; end result, the choice was procrastinated. The link between our emotional centre of the brain via the amygdala is 1/32 of a second in contrast to 3 seconds for the decision based, rational part. Which makes a lot of sense, emotions that trigger fight or flight chemicals are needed from that reptilian part of the brain rather than to think for 3 seconds whether or not to run or fight from any given hazard encountered.

So was it really a case of holding on to love why I stayed around - if it was, I wouldnt have wanted to leave each time. Somewhere I felt unsafe to do so; it turned out I was right in the end, eventually it got more difficult, I felt I would never be able to leave her, again, the primal part of the brain overriding the rational by that substantial difference in speed it takes to reach the brain first. That procrastination seemed to become more embedded in line with how much anxiety that accumulated over time.

the irony is, if she would have caused me a positive dopamine releasing response I would have been able to leave her, it is the anxiety state that reinforces the choice to delay the decision to leave.

Just thought id share.
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SerendipityChild
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« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2018, 04:39:50 PM »

Thanks for sharing, Cromwell. I found the article on how our brain works very fascinating. Now I know why I dread doing the laundry 
I was with my ex for five years and lived with him for a year and a half. The splitting and painting black started happening during the third month. He moved from another state to be near me and he always threw that to my face, saying he left everything and everyone for me. Stupid me, believing I was that special. Since he moved I never once seen nor heard him talk to any friends nor family on the phone. He painted all of them black, too- saying he gave them everything i.e. money, time, shirt off his back, etc. but none of them reciprocated during his times of need. Didn't make sense to me then but he has burnt all his bridges back home and he didn't think twice about moving out of state because he found his next caregiver.
He quits his job every other month because his coworkers are "threatened" by him, jealous, lazy, etc.  More excuses for me to pitch in and half the time support him financially. I also mentioned before that he has an addiction, too, which made me an enabler. I have a decent job making good money and I did not mind helping him out. The fact that he did not appreciate any of it besides the emotional and mental abuse was mind-boggling to me. I took it as a challenge- in my mind I thought if I stayed long enough or showed him a whole lotta love I'd be able to fix him. But it only got worse... .words coming out of his mouth got harsher, uglier and much more hateful. He come and gone as he wished, sometimes for days or weeks. I was not allowed to ask where he's been or what he's done for fear of another fight.

In this case, the procrastination was from his end. He panicked every time he walked out, partied his ass off, become broke and in severe withdrawals so he comes running back to me for a recycle. Then rinse and repeat. It has been three months of NC. I figured he must have found a new savior. So I wish him good riddance and her lots of patience. 
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Cromwell
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« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2018, 07:22:12 PM »

Hi SC

I hear you.

I get this image whenever I read what youve been through of an inert lump, slumped in a corner almost baby-like, snap clicking of fingers for a servant to scurry around.

Or maybe you just gave me some flashbacks, yea you did. She loved it.

except they hate you for it at the same time; exposing their weakness.

Ours was putting up with it, going back for it.

never mind I have the cure; self indulgence every day! Had an awesome raspberry and white chocolate bronut. These trips to the corner bakery  - they are not the old me that ive returned to SC, its the new me. Along with a few hours of basketball and strength training.

I can tell you where my ex is; at least the last I heard; working for an American multinational fast food provider. I really wasnt good enough SC, the restaurant grade meals she wolfed down - I was so inept as a person. Little did I know that I could have won her heart by giving her what she really wanted; an identity as indentured servent herself to chicken nugget line. Maybe she just, copied me in the end?

He was envious of you SC, thats what was hidden behind it all. Show less gratitude = make us believe they deserved more than the true value.

Anyway, get that beret back on, its viva revolucion time! enjoy your workouts, each day forward to the life you really wanted. Pick and choose what works for you, im not the best example as my ex coined me "one of a kind" - hint hint; go easy on the sugarised dopamine, hell yea it has its place but, maybe 5% of the recovery plan, 10% on a bad day

PS:you just reminded me to get my own laundry done. what a team.
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« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2018, 10:15:12 PM »

Cromwell... .thank you for letting me vent. Just noticed I haven’t really posted a lot of specifics and it feels good to let it out. What can I say? You’re like a diary that talks back
Growing up in the Pacific Islands we didn’t have much. My mother taught me and my four sisters the value of education. Both of my parents have not finished highschool and they sort of fulfilled their dreams vicariously through us. I was a Highschool valedictorian and got my bachelors in Math. Coming to America was a huge stepping stone for me. Mainly because I helped my siblings through college and at the same time became the sole breadwinner of the family. All of them are living their good lives and I am proud to be a part of that. I guess there’s always this innate self-sacrificing, caretaking nature in me- to a fault sometimes. Which probably is why I became a magnet to my ex. He knew my story and weakness and took advantage of it. I’m not one to beg, in the contrary I’m pretty much a proud woman because of my achievements. I’ve had the “never let a man put you down” and I’m no victim mentality. Extremely self-confident and self-assured i.e. I’ve dated an NBA player (he played with Michael Jordan), a member of a pop music group, and a successful lawyer before. That is why I can’t seem to wrap my mind on what just happened. How did I turn from a victor to a victim? This guy whom I thought was an enigma at the time was able to make a proud woman like me beg and plead for him to stay each time he threatened to leave. He took away my pride and self-esteem and made me feel like he’s the only man who is willing
to, which I thought at the time, love me. I was so blinded by his charm and his power over me was sickly intoxicating. He wasn’t even that great in bed. I brought him to new sexual heights and taught him
techniques- which he’s probably using on his next prey and claiming them as his own. If that’s the only thing he can offer moving forward in life I kinda feel sorry for him. I hope he doesn’t lose his charm because looks can only go so far.

Glad to hear you’re into basketball. Sounds like fun! I’m still contemplating on joining the gym because I feel bad for my dog. He’s getting used to me getting up early to run with him now 
And since I’ve been keeping fit I do self-endulge just like you- tres leches cake. Look it up, you’d probably enjoy it. Was actually thinking of you when I bought it. 

This past weekend was Labor Day weekend so I took the kids to a theme park and stayed at a hotel nearby. It’s one of the parks my ex enjoyed so I’ve had a few pesky thoughts of him while I was there. Thank goodness for roller coasters. Great way to distract me from those irritating thoughts. Haha.

Cromwell, Is it okay to feel sorry for them? I do feel kinda bad for your ex, for not realizing what a gem you are. They have downgraded, didn’t they? Makes me a bit sad.

I’m taking it easy on my workout- my initial intent was to have that revenge body but in the end I like the sweet dopamine way better. Less negativity and perhaps good karma? =)

Did my laundry after all... .i was actually giggling while folding the clothes. Suck it, procrastination!   

So how is your laundry coming along? 
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« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2018, 05:19:38 PM »

Cromwell... .thank you for letting me vent. Just noticed I haven’t really posted a lot of specifics and it feels good to let it out. What can I say? You’re like a diary that talks back

Haha, I liked that SC, I guess were in a place of kindred spirits.

I woke up one day, realising that I never was a big fan of the Hegelian master-slave relationship and kicked that bed bug out my life. It wasnt easy, but neither was the French Revolution. Its enlightenment era now.

Sure I can cook, buy gifts, take on holidays, give sex when i dont feel like it (her complaint was her ex before didnt give her enough), I can try to spend my day trying to find happiness in making another 'happy'. but i could never forget the first 3 months - when I woke up with a spring in my step, a long day in a pressurised job, wasnt a long day, wasnt pressurised. I bought into the love package deal experience and enjoyed it whilst it lasted. Then I woke up one day (actually I never slept at all) - and it was pay back time for "paradise". I equate it more to starting a new job and being on a 3 months probabtion evaluation of your skills, everyone is on their best behaviour and if it works out, you sign into the pseudo-master slave relationship.

Its of no surprise to me that Educated Guess found herself in a position to decide upon doing it in a mainstream, sexual way - we could use in my case my exs words to me "whipped" as a cultural substitute for what really is, being only seen as an object. A good needs fulfiller. All of this lack of empathy on recognising me as a self concious being was the root of it all - its why there is no shame of being 'hurtful' as we have felt - to recognise it would be first to see us more than an object of their exploitation and nothing more - it never gets to that stage. The honeymoon period is not about us, it was about being exhalted as to have found the "best slave" at the auction at that moment in time.

Procrastination to detach; Even when the shackles are removed can still feel them. Theyve conditoned us and I went along with it. If I had put those mental and physical resources into paid job, or my own studies which im doing now, the value of that labour is substantial. Little wonder you get posts here that lament along the lines of "I was used", "i wasted my life" etc.

In the case of BPD it becomes more complex to pinpoint the real victim; we were slaves to them but in a form of them apparently not knowing any better. They desperately need those needs fulfilled and just do what seems natural to achieve it. Does any shame ever come into mind; just repackage it or encourage the partner to accept it. My ex tried this with me, mid way on it was "sugar daddy", I put a stop to it and it was explained away as just a joke. Later I was labelled as a "submissive". By that point in the relationship I was open to it - it seemed a valid observation, how it got to that stage, slowly but surely.

I also had the door open to leave to emotionally stable relationship, but a slave is a mentality. Obviously something about it didnt ring true enough, or I would still be with her. They go on to the find the next one via aggressive mimicry. Is that something to miss or feel envy? The insect into the venus fly trap?

For now im more than content to flutter as the metamorphised butterfly, with the freedom that goes along with it. anger burst away like bubbles popping on a soothing stream. deep pain is a thing of the past, provided agile enough to dodge the ensnarement of another collectors net.

My ex acted submissive, meek and needy - until she reeled me in. Once they get their feet under the table enough - marriage or just realise what buttons to press work consistently enough, if werent already a slave mindset to a certain level, its time to go through the training. Still sticking around after the hurtful verbal abuse? a bit of solace and then lets see if ready for some infidelity. And so on it goes. My year of recovery has been a year of deprogramming SC. Could I have went back to a healthy relationship with none of this BS? Yep, but what about the one after? Until this didnt get sorted out, its just playing with luck until it runs out and knowing my luck track record "out of the frying pan into the fire".

what is it really missing out on here? having ass kissed when they find themselves at a loose end, when they need something. What was the binding agent? This elusive concept of 'love' that despite all the debates on this board, no-one ever can definitevey unpackage. Like you said- even the sex wasnt great anymore. I dont feel up to anything after dragged in after a long day in the plantation. Just wanted some rest, but sometimes we have to fight for it. This was one of those times. Rewards? They come every single day, I could list them but this post is long enough. Probably just procrastinating that laundry SC. But I wanted something that might help answer this really important question;

Cromwell, Is it okay to feel sorry for them? I do feel kinda bad for your ex, for not realizing what a gem you are. They have downgraded, didn’t they? Makes me a bit sad.

So how is your laundry coming along?  

All slave state mode of productions have failed. as will my ex. I cant feel sorry for anyone that only saw me as an object - ive spent nearly 900 posts on my self development - what do I think she has done for herself? run around wearing my old hoody and carry an expired credit card in my name. Crying at the bottom of an empty bottle on certain days but only in bewilderment of why do the slaves always escape eventually. I even learned how to discard the GPS locator, thats how controlling it was. Im sorry if I sound like a bad person for not having an iota of love, concern or best wishes for being treated that way, regardless of all the psycho-babble excuses. She knew it was wrong, she did it anyway. She should feel sorry for me - but the best she could manage is - the slave got whipped to much and rebelled - the best and longest one.

Lets see how long she lasts with Colonel Sanders as the pseudo-master. I would go back and have 3 years with her rather than a day with him. Ergo; im sure she will cope fine, its us we need to worry about now, nothing else
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SerendipityChild
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« Reply #5 on: September 05, 2018, 07:21:18 PM »


Haha, I liked that SC, I guess were in a place of kindred spirits.


If only I am as well-read as you are and possess such impressive writing skills like you do, then yes we are in such place.
 

I woke up one day, realising that I never was a big fan of the Hegelian master-slave relationship and kicked that bed bug out my life. It wasnt easy, but neither was the French Revolution. Its enlightenment era now.
 
That realization never occurred to me during the entire r/s with my ex until the last few months prior to discard. Feeling resigned, I refused to argue or rather defend myself, kept my mouth shut, hardly initiated sex, nodded as he babbled, then nodded again when he was done. I said okay and went along to everything he wanted to do. He must have longed for the daily combats and make up sex after. Perhaps he left because I made myself “boring” in his eyes?


Sure I can cook, buy gifts, take on holidays, give sex when i dont feel like it (her complaint was her ex before didnt give her enough), I can try to spend my day trying to find happiness in making another 'happy'. but i could never forget the first 3 months - when I woke up with a spring in my step, a long day in a pressurised job, wasnt a long day, wasnt pressurised. I bought into the love package deal experience and enjoyed it whilst it lasted. Then I woke up one day (actually I never slept at all) - and it was pay back time for "paradise". I equate it more to starting a new job and being on a 3 months probabtion evaluation of your skills, everyone is on their best behaviour and if it works out, you sign into the pseudo-master slave relationship.

Been there, done that, too. The honeymoon period was too euphoric, made me high that when I crashed he made me crash real hard. But I stayed, because I kept hoping with enough patience and more generosity, those highs to come back. I was wrong.
 
Its of no surprise to me that Educated Guess found herself in a position to decide upon doing it in a mainstream, sexual way - we could use in my case my exs words to me "whipped" as a cultural substitute for what really is, being only seen as an object. A good needs fulfiller. All of this lack of empathy on recognising me as a self concious being was the root of it all - its why there is no shame of being 'hurtful' as we have felt - to recognise it would be first to see us more than an object of their exploitation and nothing more - it never gets to that stage. The honeymoon period is not about us, it was about being exhalted as to have found the "best slave" at the auction at that moment in time.
Love this analogy, or is a metaphor? I’ve become a plethora of machines to my ex- ATM, Sex, Treadmill, you name it. All dispensing no deposits allowed, satisfying, stepped on respectively. Wtf dude.

Leaving the office now. Actually stayed longer because I’ve been posting this. To be continued when I get home 
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JNChell
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« Reply #6 on: September 05, 2018, 08:40:13 PM »

Cromwell, this is a good thread. A lot of research and science has gone into why we feel so bad after losing/letting go. I’m commenting from a personal standpoint here when I say that my amygdala wasn’t always under my control and that it’s influence, during it’s tender years, was under a lot of stress. Up’s and downs. It couldn’t compute the information that was trying to be processed. Can you relate?
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« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2018, 12:46:28 PM »


Procrastination to detach; Even when the shackles are removed can still feel them. Theyve conditoned us and I went along with it. If I had put those mental and physical resources into paid job, or my own studies which im doing now, the value of that labour is substantial. Little wonder you get posts here that lament along the lines of "I was used", "i wasted my life" etc.
In the case of BPD it becomes more complex to pinpoint the real victim; we were slaves to them but in a form of them apparently not knowing any better. They desperately need those needs fulfilled and just do what seems natural to achieve it. Does any shame ever come into mind; just repackage it or encourage the partner to accept it. My ex tried this with me, mid way on it was "sugar daddy", I put a stop to it and it was explained away as just a joke. Later I was labelled as a "submissive". By that point in the relationship I was open to it - it seemed a valid observation, how it got to that stage, slowly but surely.


I go Pavlov whenever my ex was in a good mood, expecting to have love bombings and got them. So I immensely enjoyed them while they lasted. Then back to black.
Overall I don’t have any regrets for loving him, the great and fun memories we shared were truly priceless. But the bad ones are enough to stay NC.
During the r/s I somehow knew he was totally dependent on me and I thought that would be enough to make him stay. Submissive yes- I have tolerated the awful moods, accusations, fights and tantrums for half a decade. Just to be discarded in a flash. I was devastated, left in such panic and distress that I hated waking up in the mornings. 



I also had the door open to leave to emotionally stable relationship, but a slave is a mentality. Obviously something about it didnt ring true enough, or I would still be with her. They go on to the find the next one via aggressive mimicry. Is that something to miss or feel envy? The insect into the venus fly trap?

For now im more than content to flutter as the metamorphised butterfly, with the freedom that goes along with it. anger burst away like bubbles popping on a soothing stream. deep pain is a thing of the past, provided agile enough to dodge the ensnarement of another collectors net.

 

What hard lessons we learned from them. Or should I say knowledge? I haven’t been this eager to know more about psychology and mental disorders. Gave me a chance to reevaluate my own psyche and find out why I put myself in such wreck of a situation. Was it my dominating father and submissive mother? Not allowed to openly say how we feel and just suck it up when it gets too much? What is it about the bad boy image that intrigues me? So many questions to ponder.


My ex acted submissive, meek and needy - until she reeled me in. Once they get their feet under the table enough - marriage or just realise what buttons to press work consistently enough, if werent already a slave mindset to a certain level, its time to go through the training. Still sticking around after the hurtful verbal abuse? a bit of solace and then lets see if ready for some infidelity. And so on it goes. My year of recovery has been a year of deprogramming SC. Could I have went back to a healthy relationship with none of this BS? Yep, but what about the one after? Until this didnt get sorted out, its just playing with luck until it runs out and knowing my luck track record "out of the frying pan into the fire



A year Cromwell… do you feel you are still in recovery? Or over it? I find myself still thinking of him, sometimes fondly. Then snap back out of it. There are so many triggers around me and I just  need to learn how to ignore them. Using your technique helps a lot and I thank you.



All slave state mode of productions have failed. as will my ex. I cant feel sorry for anyone that only saw me as an object - ive spent nearly 900 posts on my self development - what do I think she has done for herself? run around wearing my old hoody and carry an expired credit card in my name. Crying at the bottom of an empty bottle on certain days but only in bewilderment of why do the slaves always escape eventually. I even learned how to discard the GPS locator, thats how controlling it was. Im sorry if I sound like a bad person for not having an iota of love, concern or best wishes for being treated that way, regardless of all the psycho-babble excuses. She knew it was wrong, she did it anyway. She should feel sorry for me - but the best she could manage is - the slave got whipped to much and rebelled - the best and longest one.

Lets see how long she lasts with Colonel Sanders as the pseudo-master. I would go back and have 3 years with her rather than a day with him. Ergo; im sure she will cope fine, its us we need to worry about now, nothing else 

I don’t see you as a bad person but someone kicked in the sack a million times over for loving someone who is not even capable of love. You had the opportunity to plan the discard and despite the stalking she did I think you found some sort of a closure that most of us needed but will never be able to get.

I hope you did not procrastinate and are now done with your laundry. 
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« Reply #8 on: September 06, 2018, 06:00:46 PM »

myself
Cromwell, this is a good thread. A lot of research and science has gone into why we feel so bad after losing/letting go. I’m commenting from a personal standpoint here when I say that my amygdala wasn’t always under my control and that it’s influence, during it’s tender years, was under a lot of stress. Up’s and downs. It couldn’t compute the information that was trying to be processed. Can you relate?

Hi JNChell

I have only a crude appreciation of how the science behind it all works, ive read some articles here and there. One of them suggesting research showed how the pre-frontal cortex is different brain activity for those who have went through traumatic stressful childhoods. We can work through therapy to dredge up memories from the past and try to heal from them - but has there been, and is it recoverable to any damage that has been caused to the physiology components? I dont know, but its likely going to be something im going to start looking into more. If I relate it to my ex, it gives a different perspective on my recovery - can I blame her for what could have possibly been rooted in organic brain damage to such a level it cant be her fault for her actions?

Can we just give benefit of the doubt to anyone that there might be an underlying brain damage to their behaviours? Just off topic, but id love to get a brain scan, if only for validation that I did ever actually had one. or a "before" and "after" scans of being with her. So far I can confirm she turned dark hair to shades of grey.

 I just cant appreciate that damage for the sake of someone elses need for a bit of drama to spice up a lacklustre existence. I had to begin to value myself more and not get complacent - I didnt want to be another statistic of stress related disorders. There was a good post on here a few months back about the physical complaints people got from long term BPD relationships.
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« Reply #9 on: September 06, 2018, 06:48:59 PM »


 That realization never occurred to me during the entire r/s with my ex until the last few months prior to discard. Feeling resigned, I refused to argue or rather defend myself, kept my mouth shut, hardly initiated sex, nodded as he babbled, then nodded again when he was done. I said okay and went along to everything he wanted to do. He must have longed for the daily combats and make up sex after. Perhaps he left because I made myself “boring” in his eyes?

Its interestng you say it like that - I did a bit of thought today, looking back, I wonder how much of the attempts I made were designed to have her discard me. I think alot goes on subconcious and we follow it through even though not fully aware. For instance, part of us has told ourselves we love them, another part hates what is going on and wants the suffering to end. There is a conflict there within us, two opposing thoughts. Maybe your answer was to bore him to death so he would leave. You dont otherwise come across as a boring person SC, your life has been and now returning to what you have enjoyed. My mission was difficult, although I didnt try that approach - I was a bit upset to hear recently when she said the best times she had with me were staying in the house, taking drugs and watching tv. Upset because whilst there was times I enjoyed it too, it was banal to me in the big picture, the places I took her, the activities I encouraged her to do; if it came to boring; she never took the initiative for anything, just inert, latched on to my every word. If I asked if she wanted to do something her stock reply was "if you want", it became a set phrase that has became ingrained. Almost to the point of madness. Everything she did - was if "I" wanted. If Id ask her to jump off the bridge together, shed probably make a devation "if you want - you first though"  


 
Been there, done that, too. The honeymoon period was too euphoric, made me high that when I crashed he made me crash real hard. But I stayed, because I kept hoping with enough patience and more generosity, those highs to come back. I was wrong.
 Love this analogy, or is a metaphor? I’ve become a plethora of machines to my ex- ATM, Sex, Treadmill, you name it. All dispensing no deposits allowed, satisfying, stepped on respectively. Wtf dude.

Do you ever feel that some of it was as if you had discovered you were having to do as much as you can to "prove" love, as if it wasnt fully trusted on their part. I felt the reason I turned into all the machines you described, was to reach validation stage. I felt I loved her but there was this frustration of not having it believed. So I did everything I possibly could to display it regardless of my own needs in the process. Its over now SC, the euphoria was real for us - whilst it lasted. I look back and feel sorry for my ex that she couldnt get high the way I did, the next best thing was just to make use of me. I was innocently high for a large part of the length of the relationship - it wasnt all doom and gloom - and that is even accounting for the deep pain of cheating etc, I had a very open heart and stretched all boundaries when it came to deep set core values. I should have walked from it all, but I always told myself that she loved me based on what I witnessed the other side of her. Now I dont know anymore - but at the time, I was blissfully in my own euphoria regardless if it was enveloped by ignorance. Ignorance can be bliss until you lose it... .


 
Leaving the office now. Actually stayed longer because I’ve been posting this. To be continued when I get home  

I really enjoy our chats SC, its not easy for me at all to open up and trust, regardless of what I went through. To come to this board and share, your story has helped me but most of all how strong a person you transmit through as - you got knocked down but youll get up again, thats my belief, it would be worrying not to feel heartbroken when you have given your heart in the first place, did the relationship go on past its sell by date? Maybe the day I really became heartbroken was 3 months in but wasnt mentally equipped to face it at the time, I procrastinated it - delayed it, prolonged it and "wished it away" in my mind, with mixed results. Did I stay around because I loved her, or was I staying because I had become newly reliant on her to "un-hurt". Like loving the drug dealer because they can soothe the withdrawls.

"just like Nicotine"  

talking of which i cant post reply to the rest until I get back from the shop I need neek-o-teen SC
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ph54wQG8ynk  
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« Reply #10 on: September 06, 2018, 07:40:42 PM »

I go Pavlov whenever my ex was in a good mood, expecting to have love bombings and got them. So I immensely enjoyed them while they lasted. Then back to black.
Overall I don’t have any regrets for loving him, the great and fun memories we shared were truly priceless. But the bad ones are enough to stay NC.
During the r/s I somehow knew he was totally dependent on me and I thought that would be enough to make him stay. Submissive yes- I have tolerated the awful moods, accusations, fights and tantrums for half a decade. Just to be discarded in a flash. I was devastated, left in such panic and distress that I hated waking up in the mornings.  

SC, I never realised how long you were together and then to go through that and one day hes just gone. This has been the hardest thing for me - and when I look back I cant even grasp fully why, but I felt very much disempowered as a person. My twice ghosting her, on the surface strikes as a form of retaliation, it is, but it is one of the very few acts of "defiance" if you can even call it that, which I feel is the equivalent of giving her the middle finger. Deep pain and anger existed, it took me a long time to conciously appreciate them and only when I left the r/s, it all got masked by this "catch all" emotion of love. Maybe we got the transference from them of love/hate and continued on with reciprocating our own version of it. Mines became passive aggressive, the reason why, I never wanted to show her the pain she had caused - I believed she would get a kick out of it - as much as I was confused of so many things - this is one part which I know im right. The times I showed a glimpse of pain, was when I saw her light up from the misery. People like that SC, cant get the euphoria of the love you felt, they can get a kick out of pain - because we drop to their baseline, join them in it - we then can relate to something real, have something in common.

Wherever hes gone to SC, he carried himself with him, remember that. I told my ex that when she said she was going to leave and I wont see her again.

What hard lessons we learned from them. Or should I say knowledge? I haven’t been this eager to know more about psychology and mental disorders. Gave me a chance to reevaluate my own psyche and find out why I put myself in such wreck of a situation. Was it my dominating father and submissive mother? Not allowed to openly say how we feel and just suck it up when it gets too much? What is it about the bad boy image that intrigues me? So many questions to ponder.

I think for myself at least, you have pointed it out clear as day. It is rooted in expression, ability to express feelings at the time. As much as I can slice and dice it, reduce it all down, at the base I couldnt feel safe enough to express myself to her. Hardly the structural base of building much of anything, least of all "love" on top of.

A year Cromwell… do you feel you are still in recovery? Or over it? I find myself still thinking of him, sometimes fondly. Then snap back out of it. There are so many triggers around me and I just  need to learn how to ignore them. Using your technique helps a lot and I thank you.

Last summer I spent with her, there was no hurtful behaviour - I remember picturesque holidays, laughter, a feeling each day of being soothed from all that happened prior. A reward for going back to her after I left for 4 weeks prior. She thought everything was back under her control, it was my last card I held she couldnt see - it was my summer of closure and I left her at the end of it. This summer was better, I was alone but spent it with a new circle of friends, I got my health back, hell some days I just enjoyed that I got a night sleep without a 4am call, I moved from the best neighbourhood in the whole country - to a place where she hasnt set a foot in, the memories arent there, I dont have to go to the same workplace wondering who she has slept with, I got a new job. Recovery to me means to bring back to a previous healthy state, its been a strange year SC - transformation fits better, Ive changed every thing that had a remote chance to trigger, its worked, change the things that can be changed dont try to change what cant. Youve been through 6 years of this, part of it is simply down to associations formed and habits, both can be broken using techniques and given time for the new association to replace - thats all my little tip did, change the association from a vile, scary person, to fast forward his speech to a chipmunk. The more creative you get, the more ridiculous - eventually my mind doesnt even bother to replay any of it - its got other stuff to do more priority.
I don’t see you as a bad person but someone kicked in the sack a million times over for loving someone who is not even capable of love. You had the opportunity to plan the discard and despite the stalking she did I think you found some sort of a closure that most of us needed but will never be able to get.

I hope you did not procrastinate and are now done with your laundry.  


Thanks SC and its important for me to realise that what ive been through is unique, did I really find closure simply by being the one to discard? How can I discard something what I never had in the first place.

the laundry has finally been attacked, biological warfare going on in the machine - about as much excitement and drama that the house gets nowadays  - ahhh (relaxed sigh)

just the way I like it.  

be good to yourself, i mean it, wishing you an awesome day
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« Reply #11 on: September 06, 2018, 08:28:04 PM »

On my drive home today I remembered something my ex said after receiving a love letter I wrote to him for his birthday. It must have been the most heartfelt, romantic and sweetest I’ve ever written to anyone to date. After reading, he looked up to me and said “I don’t get it.” I wasn’t quite certain then if he was kidding or not. He had the tendency to be sarcastic slash humorous. Thinking back now I realized my god, he really did not get it and I started to laugh to myself. Why didn’t I pick up on that red flag? Was i that blind?
All the mirroring, mimicking and idolizations must have been exhausting for him for the first three months. He was so good at turning so many things around and against me and I actually believed it. I was always at fault, to blame, the wrong one. My self-esteem went down the drain for so many years. I became anti-social, shunned my family and lived in a bubble he created for us- away from the rest of the world. Codependency at its best.
Just wanted to share that before I start dinner.
I’m not feeling my best today Cromwell. Been coughing and wheezing since last night and my body hurts like I’ve been f#cked sideways.
 And here I thought flu season is over.
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« Reply #12 on: September 06, 2018, 09:26:44 PM »

Have you maybe been training too hard, take a rest from the running maybe? I feel those days too.

As for his reaction to your card - it comes across really autistic. I say that in a way that strikes me a lot about my ex, mostly she would give a blank confused look to things I said which were not complex, I could literally see the cog wheels turning in her mind, the lights were on but no-ones home scenario.

Have a good rest, you will be up and running again before you know it. 
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« Reply #13 on: September 07, 2018, 12:32:16 PM »

The times I showed a glimpse of pain, was when I saw her light up from the misery. People like that SC, cant get the euphoria of the love you felt, they can get a kick out of pain - because we drop to their baseline, join them in it - we then can relate to something real, have something in common.
My ex would have that awful smirk every time he saw me get frustrated. I can’t forget that look of self-satisfaction on his face and it makes me sick thinking about it. How I let the relationship perpetuate to that point still disturbs me.
Wherever hes gone to SC, he carried himself with him, remember that.
Something about this soothes me… and I will forever remember it, Cromwell. Thank you.  
I think for myself at least, you have pointed it out clear as day. It is rooted in expression, ability to express feelings at the time. As much as I can slice and dice it, reduce it all down, at the base I couldnt feel safe enough to express myself to her. Hardly the structural base of building much of anything, least of all "love" on top of.
His version of a gag order was placed on me and all I could do was nod and agree. It was exhausting expressing yourself to someone living in disillusion all the time.

Ive changed every thing that had a remote chance to trigger, its worked, change the things that can be changed dont try to change what cant.
I did what I could to get rid of all his stuff and anything that served as a reminder of him. If only I can change address and employment I would, but I can’t. When he left all I wanted was to get out of town and move to some place where there are no constant reminders of our past relationship. I might get lucky and find a job on the other side of the country, who knows.
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« Reply #14 on: September 07, 2018, 12:46:52 PM »

Have you maybe been training too hard, take a rest from the running maybe? I feel those days too.
Have a good rest, you will be up and running again before you know it. 

Thank you. I took a break from running today and my dog looked disappointed. Still had the strength to walk her for a few minutes though. I will start running again when the coughing goes away. Depression is kicking in a bit because I did not get my dopamine drops from working out.


As for his reaction to your card - it comes across really autistic. I say that in a way that strikes me a lot about my ex, mostly she would give a blank confused look to things I said which were not complex, I could literally see the cog wheels turning in her mind, the lights were on but no-ones home scenario.

I laughed out loud at this Cromwell. It sounds kinda mean but it makes so much sense. The odd thing is that he's actually bright. Perhaps emotionally retarded?
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« Reply #15 on: September 07, 2018, 03:27:09 PM »

My ex would have that awful smirk every time he saw me get frustrated. I can’t forget that look of self-satisfaction on his face and it makes me sick thinking about it. How I let the relationship perpetuate to that point still disturbs me. Something about this soothes me… and I will forever remember it, Cromwell. Thank you.  His version of a gag order was placed on me and all I could do was nod and agree. It was exhausting expressing yourself to someone living in disillusion all the time.
I did what I could to get rid of all his stuff and anything that served as a reminder of him. If only I can change address and employment I would, but I can’t. When he left all I wanted was to get out of town and move to some place where there are no constant reminders of our past relationship. I might get lucky and find a job on the other side of the country, who knows.

i saw it a few times and the first time, it filled with horror. Ive seen this sort of sadistic smirk before, but in her, it was like the entire face contorted, she was evil reincarnate, a complete opposite to who I had fallen in love with, the contrast was just so stark. Her face also skewed up when she raged, not neccessarily at me, or about me, im not easily scared but couldnt help it - they say that BPD can go into a psychotic rage, they just at those moments arent on the same plane anymore, literally. Sounds about right from what I saw, Ive sort of forgot all the imagery though SC, im sure you will in time as well, for the meantime get your amateur film editor hat on and have as much fun as you can, put some classical music in the background when they are raging, idk, take out the power it once had, they are now just memories after all.

Yes exhausting, it takes a lot of energy to live that way, we talk about the "highs", how much is it just plain old fight or flight living on adrenaline,and then becoming exhausted when its depleted. Fun? Made to feel alive? From all that ive read, its not a trade off Ill accept for an early heart condition.

ive been in a great mood today, my workouts are getting easier, i need to change them. I use to always dread tomorrow; saturday is finisher day, im looking forward to it, its interesting how in time our bodies can adapt to whatever stressors we place on them. I had to adapt to stay with my ex for so long, but it was always an inner mental conflict - it wasnt really me, I was having to role play her caretaker. the more I did it, the more it became habitual. My ex took me for granted she said "we will be together forever" - i split up but always returned, what was in her mind? could easily have been "oh, he just needed to play hard to get for awhile - how cute".

anything but confront inner shame for what theyve done SC. I know he left you but at least you dont wake up to a new day of psycho smirks, derogatory comments and betrayal with having to take on board all that inner anger until it becomes saturated. In my recovery, nausea came first, just a heads up - get ready for anger if you havent already let any of it through, I was the walking  around with the equivalent of mount vesuvius and didnt even realise it.   She had to go. hazardous to health - and we are all fitness fanatics here right? ;)

it must be amazing to live in Los Angeles, we have nothing to compare here at home. I stopped going to the gym when I found they have calisthenic park near where I live, its free, outdoors, have a think about it - if you want the revenge body  - go for it! why not. but id say do it for yourself first, for the new guy second, to make other women envious third, and for revenge last.

your really brave to get rid of all the stuff you had of him, I wont deny it, I did the same, but there have been a few times I regretted it - there were some photos of the 'good times' - but I see that as part of nostalgia, ive got a lot better and stronger and its easy to then forget what ive been through. I think many of us have went back for a recycle because we felt re-strengthed and a bit of energy back, like a respite. its not about holding grudges, its just about being balanced - this was a person who caused me a lot of deep pain and anger, I got rid of her memories for a good reason and not on an impulse. We are detaching here and the last thing I want is to see her face again, regardless of whatever emotion it may or may not bring.

Youll be fit for the war again SC, paracetamol works for me every time, I think you call it something different on your side of the pond. hoping you Get well soon
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« Reply #16 on: September 07, 2018, 04:05:08 PM »


I have seen that kind of rage many times over, and I got scared sh!itless when it happens in the car, him driving. At my life's expense, do I really want to prove someone my opinion is correct or better? Once I had to leave him in a movie theater and drove home alone because he wouldn't stop barraging me with insults and curse words. All because he thought I threw the ticket counter guy a furtive glance. You can just imagine the scenario when he got home, it wasn't pretty. I don't know if it was the drugs or BPD, but his head was filled with insurmountable paranoia. I have learned when to duck, be quiet and pacify- actions that were really foreign to me until I met him.

Glad it's Friday and you're close to your finishers... .I am jealous. I could hardly get up this morning. Dragged myself in the shower and got dressed for work. Jeans day, thankfully, didn't have to sort through a closet full of clothes and think to myself I got nothing to wear.

Living in LA is awesome, yes. But there are disadvantages also. Cost of living is high and you're surrounded by
superficial people. That keeping up with the Joneses sort of thing. I am glad I am not 100% influenced by its culture yet and I remain Filipina at heart. What I love about this city is the weather, everyone who lives here can attest to that.

Have you kept at least one picture of her either on your phone or email? Then took you forever to delete it? I am so guilty of it.


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« Reply #17 on: September 07, 2018, 08:02:34 PM »

I think you just did the best you could in the circumstances SC.

im all out of cigarettes, i cant be bothered going to the shop so instead let myself reach a mental breaking point. Ive started binge eating on flapjacks instead of going on a rampage :D

today is finisher day, going to have an amazing breakfast after.

Pictures? not after what she did SC, she went too far, disorder or not, ive never felt that way in my life and id been through a lot of ___. beautiful pictures, amazing memories - but all in the bin as far as im concerned. it sounds BPDish in itself, but for me it was a radical step to take. its not that I hate her, or disacknowledge the past, I jusfelt almost all about her, and I got sick of it and her. I feel like now if It seems its all "me-me-me", basically it is; I want to restore some balance.

honestly SC its not nice to feel that nausea, but its there for a reason, my ex doesnt make me feel that way anymore but i needed to experience and express it as a way to move on from her.

have a great day

youll get to the goal your looking for, the peace of mind, I never thought I would but i found my path you will too
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« Reply #18 on: September 07, 2018, 09:02:54 PM »

Real ironic. I have a pack of cigarettes but can’t smoke, not even a puff. My chest hurts too much. I’m looking forward to this weekend. Might have to sleep in since I can’t run.

Enjoy your breakfast later. Makes me want to order some harvest grain pancakes for dinner from Ihop. They serve them all day.

Can’t blame you for feeling the way you do. I detect a little angst- does it still hurt when you think of her? I’m really looking forward to getting over this hump. Honestly I’m not sure which stage I am right now. Cromwell, Why am I not angry yet? I shudder to think what if I’m still in denial? It’s been almost 3.5 months and I feel indifferent. Done crying though. Although sometimes i feel a little tug in my heart when I see triggers. Pain in the ass they are.
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« Reply #19 on: September 08, 2018, 07:03:51 AM »

Can’t blame you for feeling the way you do. I detect a little angst- does it still hurt when you think of her? I’m really looking forward to getting over this hump. Honestly I’m not sure which stage I am right now. Cromwell, Why am I not angry yet? I shudder to think what if I’m still in denial? It’s been almost 3.5 months and I feel indifferent. Done crying though. Although sometimes i feel a little tug in my heart when I see triggers. Pain in the ass they are.


theres a mix sometimes SC but its nothing like it used to be. its mostly residual anger but its very diluted. once I learned more about the condition, it gave me a huge amount of benefit of the doubt - solace. it doesnt ruin my day or anything, and lasts a few seconds. theres no rumination anymore and im so grateful for that; something you have to look forward to if you find it happening - I dont like the word, i prefer "Processing" conflicted emotions. Something doesnt add up, and no wonder, we were cycled through emotions from 'euphoria' to 'nightmare' and back again. It is a reward/punishment alternation that my mind had to make sense of - why did I feel love and pain simultaneously - it didnt make sense rationally. The stage I got to was unpack the emotions - anger was there but was never expressed. If there is one main lesson learned from this is the importance to express emotions at the time, dont let them fester. if its a partner like BPD where I cant feel for their benefit it is appropiate - they have to go, end of story, and the sooner it happens the better.

Although sometimes i feel a little tug in my heart when I see triggers. Pain in the ass they are.

Trigger wasnt a word in my vocabularly until I met my ex, I inherited a catalogue of them as in her world they were everywhere. its not hard to see that the more we spend time with someone, we pick stuff up. these triggers are associations, nothing more than seeing a rose and associating it with love. at its base, its just a flower, weve attached it a supernatural quality. if someone saw a relative trampled by a horse, they are going to see horses differently then I do, unless theyve had work done to unassociate.

He was abusive to you SC, yet you find yourself crying about him. Doesnt make sense to me, but im not emotionally involved, thats where outside perceptions are helpful.

people come here and express they now feel empty, used, they see the pw disorder has moved on as if they never existed, 'happy' in the new relationship - theyve been left heartbroken. but wheres the anger? why isnt it expressed - how to express it? I beat up one of the guys she cheated on me with - it sort of worked, it was ok to do that in neanderthal era, I had to learn to adapt to civilised way - I displaced the anger though, what about her role? I denied she was the cause of the pain and anger - but what could I do to express it? Besides, she already had a broken jaw from a former ex, it never changed her.

for all the pain I got put through - i never saw any long term happiness gained from it in my ex. I suspect the same will be with yours - sure on the surface they get their 5minutes of hedonism, they use some coping strategies to get through the day of always seening themselves as the victim - everyone else is "Out for themselves" in this world. the closest I ever got to an apology without an admission; "alcohol" was to blame, not her.

just like I made brilliant excuses for loving her, not feeling anger, they have an excuse for everything that avoids shame. its their krytonite equivalent. It will never be taken onboard.

SC you said earlier you had a domineering father, were you able to express anger? I wasnt, my answer was to keep running away, but always ended up back. Sounds familiar to this relationship right? I never thought id get to my age and be unravelling all this - how angry i was and how if not expressed it manifests itself in different states. I wont get myself a heart condition for these people SC, in fact the suns came out as I type this, hope you get over whatever youve picked up - chest infection? look after yourself, number 1 comes first.

its finisher day, not going to procrastinate it any more, see you later
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« Reply #20 on: September 08, 2018, 12:21:00 PM »

This conflicted emotions I’m in are terribly confusing. I’d say seventy percent of the day I’m okay, the rest is a mixture of sadness, annoyance, regret, and reminiscence. The anger I feel is towards myself for putting myself and my kids through that awful roller coaster ride. I remember my daughter saw me bawling once, not crying, during one of my ex’s discards. She consoled me and said “mom, he’ll be back, don’t cry”. Half the reason why I’m so angry at myself. I feel like the worst mother in the world for putting an impressionable teenager in that position. My son was not happy when I took my ex back after the first discard. He tried to stay away from my ex as often as he could. Christmas of 2017 I consider the worst, for the first time  in their lives I was not able to get them everything on their lists. Half of my budget wasted on my ex’s habit. I feel so ashamed Cromwell. That is why I keep saying I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to them. This is where my self-anger cultivates. The one for my ex I’m still trying to search. Where in the f¥ck is it?

Perhaps you’re right, I shouldn’t call them triggers but associations. The thing is we have gone to so many fun places and done many special things that everywhere I go and things I see became constant reminders of the bliss I felt during my relationship with my ex. Can’t even pick up a pack of cigarettes at the store without thinking of him because we smoked the same brand- the one he introduced me to and I learned to like. Or tending to the flowers in my garden he helped grow. I’ve learned to replace the sadness with indifference and this is where I feel like I’m not progressing with my recovery. It’s easier to just despise him and wish him to just f¥ck off and die but my heart won’t let me. It’s mind boggling and extremely confusing and I hate it.

Yes, growing up I had a father who was dominating. My sisters and I couldn’t speak our minds or express ourselves due the fear of getting our face slapped or whipped by a belt. Perhaps partly the reason why I got married and moved out of the house I grew up in at a young age. He’s mellowed out now Cromwell but I could still feel that side of him and we all feel nothing but sympathy for my mom. My parents have been married fifty years- how my mother put up with him through all those years she’s eligible to be canonized as a saint. Perhaps the main reason why I find domineering men appealing? Or was it my culture to blame to be submissive in my past relationships? I guess that’s another issue I need to deal with separately.

On a lighter note, how was your finisher? Did you self-indulge at breakfast? I didn’t order the pancakes anyway because I took my medicine and was knocked out within ten minutes. I’ve been bad Cromwell and smoked this morning. This nicotine habit has to go, I’m just not ready yet.

Cromwell... .my interactive diary. Enjoy your day.
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« Reply #21 on: September 08, 2018, 01:49:40 PM »

I feel so ashamed Cromwell. That is why I keep saying I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to them. This is where my self-anger cultivates. The one for my ex I’m still trying to search. Where in the f¥ck is it?

If it is there, and it got repressed, its likely to be buried under a lot of other layers of emotions that traded places like a sticky plaster. Such as fear, love, a mix of both or other ones too. When my anger suddenly started to appear, it was about 4 months after NC, it was horrible, I didnt now what to do with it. I got some tips here but they just managed it better, it was like a fault line erupting from deep within, I felt it couldnt be controlled so I made sure to never dig near it. Only a few times I expressed my anger in an indirect way to my ex, it worked, I could hurt her - but all it invited was a tit-for-tat retaliation cicuit, she would find a way to use it as a grudge, and validate herself to do whatever she could to hurt me back. It just created more pain, so I stopped doing it, repressed it inside instead. not healthy.

Im sure youve got loving kids who have already forgiven you - if they felt that they needed to. Id unleash myself from carrying another residual burden, guilt can be a very heavy one - to release it is to forgive yourself for not being perfect, as all of us are not - you can have an awesome relationship with them without feeling the need to overcompensate. Although im sure they really enjoy it, I did as a kid when my parents spoiled me out of their own guilt, they still do, its great.   

There will be many good qualities and good memories of your ex, but they are historic feelings. I was really happy for most of the relationship - based on my feelings at those now crystallised moments in time. But where I went wrong is the classic, trying to forecast the future based on the past performance. Its crystal ball time, hoping time, all stuff that is actually, in my mind, a bit insane, a bit like weather forecasting. What is it we ultimately invest in relationships; time of our life that is valuable and we cant ever get back. What sort of investment gambling was I doing when I found out her bad side? a very risky one. After 3 months I got hit with deep pain, shock and sadness, yet I continued on. So I can relate to self-anger, its mostly about being stupid and reckless. Good that we have this inner regulating system to help us learn from mistakes, thats all I see it as being designed for SC. Beating ourselves up about it every day is also using up that valuable time we cant ever get back, its not to say it should be shrugged off and not looked into, its just that I spent a lot of time introspecting as a way to learn now how to not let it affect the rest of my future. With an average life expectancy of another 50 years to go, I dont see it as a waste to have done some time on it, its already enhanced my life in a short space of time. Its where I see the r/s in a bigger picture of self development, it takes away what otherwise can ruminate on one-sided feeling of being exploited. It deflates the anger.

On a lighter note, how was your finisher? Did you self-indulge at breakfast? I didn’t order the pancakes anyway because I took my medicine and was knocked out within ten minutes. I’ve been bad Cromwell and smoked this morning. This nicotine habit has to go, I’m just not ready yet.

Cromwell... .my interactive diary. Enjoy your day.


Hey SC, its already such a brave thing to open up and share. In such a short time you have been here ive found strength from so many of just your posts. Your not only recovering but inspiring who knows how many others, talk about multi-tasking! 

The finisher was a breeze, I really enjoyed it, its the toughest for me because it involves sprinting to get heart rate up, this time I enjoyed it as much as the endorphin feeling after. A lot of it is psychological - why we have sports psychologists - I think even sharing my workouts here has been a form of peer-support. I didnt want to come back here and say I didnt bother - this is a procrastination thread after all I started.

I never had my lavish breakfast after, I still had so much energy, im going to have tomorrow morning its one of the rest days. I plan my days in advance SC, its helped that I got a diary, for 3 years each day blended into another, its hard for me to not have a happy day, I plan it in advance not to fail. Sure I never planned for falling off my bike or getting stung by a wasp but life has its way of little surprises just like your getting a few days of needing to rest. Soon up again and look forward to the reward; yummy pastries! haha   

have a great day and thanks for sending some LA style weather, it really helps!
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« Reply #22 on: September 08, 2018, 03:02:00 PM »

I feel envious of those here who have managed to release their anger towards their exes. Mine is still buried somewhere and I hope to find and release it soon. I’m not actually sure if I still love him. If that love is laying under a blanket of indifference.
Either way it’s time to let it go. And writing on this board helps.

Certainly I won’t miss his twenty five mood swings in the span of twenty four hours, smirks shot in my direction, my spending half a paycheck on his addiction, the push pulls, constant need of reassurance. There were a few times when I fought back and left to give him time to acknowledge and hopefully make him realize how much his actions hurt me. Just to come back and be loved for five minutes and then back to being a paranoid f¥ck. Cromwell the list too long for this port and it’s making my head hurt so I’ll stop now.

I hope my kids have truly forgiven me. And you’re right, they do enjoy the guilt-induced gifts and fun trips. My daughter just had a birthday this past weekend hence the trip to the theme/ water park and hotel accommodations. Topped with Doc Martens, Urban Outfitters and Nordstroms shopping. I enjoyed them as much as she did though. Growing up poor I promised myself that I will never deprive my children of the material things I never got as a child. However I made sure occasionally to not make them feel self-entitled and there are boundaries not to cross. They are great kids Cromwell and very intelligent, artistic and witty. Really proud of them everyday.

You said you’re now wary of the women you date. How many red flags do you count before deciding it’s time to break it off? One? Two? What’s the limit? Can you tolerate a few if you think it can work? I am curious to know.

The courage to share here and get overwhelming support is empowering. Makes me happy to hear I inspire you. Cromwell. I’m genuinely grateful for the encouragement and inspiration I receive from you and the others here. Not only have I got answers for many questions in my brain but also received some form of enlightenment and the will to keep moving on from such terrible discard. I actually don’t like the term discard because I feel like an object and not a human being, but it does fit if someone who is clueless and incapable of love and the emotions it entails leaves you in a heartbeat.

When you wrote that you plan your days ahead, was that a result of the past with your ex? Does it turn you into a perfectionist of some sort? To protect yourself from any probable unforeseen disappointment and mishaps? I used to be that way, but found spontaneity more enjoyable. Going places and doing fun stuff out of the blue. Makes me wonder if I have a bit of a BPD myself.  

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« Reply #23 on: September 08, 2018, 05:24:18 PM »

Hi SC

I feel envious of those here who have managed to release their anger towards their exes. Mine is still buried somewhere and I hope to find and release it soon. I’m not actually sure if I still love him. If that love is laying under a blanket of indifference.
Either way it’s time to let it go. And writing on this board helps.

The opposite of love is not anger or hate, it is indifference. Maybe you just reached it sooner and there is not much there. We are all unique afterall, you will notice when/if it comes, its just a heads up if it does - it came to me in flashes, at a time where there felt no rational reason for it, and quite a few months into NC. What I can say is that it was likely there for the most of the relationship, i was just not concious of it. It might have manifested itself in a few rare acts of passive aggressive behaviour, but nothing in proportion to how much there was inside of me.

 

You said you’re now wary of the women you date. How many red flags do you count before deciding it’s time to break it off? One? Two? What’s the limit? Can you tolerate a few if you think it can work? I am curious to know.

SC, I think before I commit to anyone again for a serious r/s I'll ask them to go for a 40 minute psychological assesment and bring me back a certificate . Yes im wary but its more to do with having changed selection criteria. That 4th date was a very attractive women who id already known through work, but like my ex, the warning signs came after a few beers together. If you can handle alcohol SC, i find my judgement gets better after some beers and a few hours of disinhibiting the date. Although im probably now the soberest person i know, alcohol gave me insight into my ex, it revealed so much that she was otherwise an expert at beguiling and cajoling.
sThe courage to share here and get overwhelming support is empowering. Makes me happy to hear I inspire you. Cromwell. I’m genuinely grateful for the encouragement and inspiration I receive from you and the others here. Not only have I got answers for many questions in my brain but also received some form of enlightenment and the will to keep moving on from such terrible discard. I actually don’t like the term discard because I feel like an object and not a human being, but it does fit if someone who is clueless and incapable of love and the emotions it entails leaves you in a heartbeat.
I fully agree with you SC and I think that it can only help to start to see that perceptive. How we felt so strongly does not relate in any way whatsoever to determine how they felt about us. All we can go in is their behaviour and our own intuition and feelings. Does it matter that despite being told so many thousands of times she loved me, that eventually I felt she creeped me out? that although I cant prove she cheated on me, I believe she did. Our feelings and beliefs are important, I just neglected them and stuck to rationality and trying to be too fair. I didnt have to be a rational minded detective trying to solve crime after crime, beyond a reasonable doubt - I simply should have walked away when the inner klaxon first sounded off properly that despite all that had happened prior to build up trust, rapport, "feelings" of love - something had gone terribly wrong and it was time to cut whatever losses.

and flee SC, flee for the hills . No seriously, practice running now and dont be afraid to use it in future, once your finished here you will just know - its easy - all the experience has already been wired in for safety - if it gets listened to is up to us. A woman with your qualities can afford to be selective and do so, even if after going through this youve ever been made to feel a blow to the confidence and self esteem, its the norm, i built it back up fast when I finally detached for definite, no latent whimsical dreaming of going back to rescue or whatever hook was embedded; love, guilt, pity, fear, anger, there were loads. Is it possible to stay in a r/s despite hatred and anger? yep. Not with indifference though.

When you wrote that you plan your days ahead, was that a result of the past with your ex? Does it turn you into a perfectionist of some sort? To protect yourself from any probable unforeseen disappointment and mishaps? I used to be that way, but found spontaneity more enjoyable. Going places and doing fun stuff out of the blue. Makes me wonder if I have a bit of a BPD myself.  

My personality is geared towards "master planner" trait, so its just something ive always done SC. Spontaneity is more enjoyable but only when it works out well. Planning the day ahead can be argued that it designs out creativity, I found that getting into a routine, pencilling in events makes it more likely ill do something instead of a blank page which could sponateniously turn into "lets ruminate for a few hours" its raining outside anyway. I was a complete contrast during the r/s SC, and what made it even more fun was that my ex would agree to anything. 2am - want to go for a drive to the next city for no apparent reason (besides you are a vampire anyway and I wont sleep, tv has already turned whats left of my brain to jelly)?

"ok, if you want"

that phrase I heard so often, on a daily basis, it became maddening. If you get brainwashed with it enough its hard not to fall into an - illusion- that despite everything, you might in some way have some influence in the RS.

Scraps from the masters table SC

You dont have BPD, just what some people call "BPD fleas". Its a horrible phrase but if it helps to illustrate it - its natural to pick up unwanted traits by being a long time with someone. Ive just started to get an itchy head now just thinking about it.

One of my master plans tomorrow, going to have the les tranches cake cause I cant shake it from my mind since you mentioned it haha zilch willpower - or- how about to also recognise how amazing progress its been? - youve helped me so much SC, im really grateful. I see how far you have come already kind of taken aback by how it shines through, the stuff your doing is all good. I will in the new motto; Celebrate with Cake!    Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #24 on: September 08, 2018, 10:35:45 PM »

Indifference... .I’m actually thinking how I’d react if I ever see my ex again and it scares the sh!t out of me. I’m doing my best to stay away from anything related to him. I take detours so I don’t have to drive past his work, avoiding any stores where the cashiers know us, staying away from any place that ties us both. He’s making my world smaller, still making me feel the shackles, still imprisoned by his memory. I’m doing my best to push through it. Almost three and a half months since NC and I’m surviving this, my faith won’t fail me.

Cromwell I want to create a modern manifesto for myself. To declare my progression- from feeling like a nobody to a newly found somebody. To get out of the black hole and come out on top of a rainbow. I want to see paradise again no matter how long it takes. I’ve lost a lot of myself and I want the fabulous SC back. Not a lot to ask, is it?

Today I dyed my hair back to its natural black color. Got rid of the blond highlights that he preferred and haven’t got a haircut since he left. He always liked it shoulder length- now it’s almost down to my lower back, straight and shiny. I refuse to cut it and it feels somewhat liberating to make that decision. I opened my closet and took out all the dresses, skirts and stilettos I had to put away for years because it made him feel insecure and jealous. Request for approval out the window. SC is back, b!tches!  

Not sure how the alcohol will help me prequalify any future dates. I’m a lightweight and I get buzzed just from one glass  of white wine. Got any other suggestions? I see you’ve been in a few dates yourself and I’d like my assessment to be as keen as yours when that day comes. Check back with me in nine months, yes?

I never really told you how terrible I feel from reading the ordeal you’ve been through. One thing for sure you don’t deserve pity. Pride is the word I choose. For your year long recovery and continuously providing source of strength and inspiration to me and everyone here. Cheers to you Cromwell and well done my dear diary... .
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« Reply #25 on: September 09, 2018, 08:37:23 AM »

Hey, Cromwell.

can I blame her for what could have possibly been rooted in organic brain damage to such a level it cant be her fault for her actions?

I struggle here. In my estimation, yes, you can blame her. IMHO, disorders don’t abuse people, people abuse people in these cases. I understand that psychosis plays a role in all of this, but I have yet to read an account here where the disordered individual didn’t have moments, many of them for several months, of lucidity. They have looked out of windows and seen where change for the better exists. Very few open that window. I also think that it’s important to be careful with how far we go with the blame. This too can become toxic and keep us stuck. I’m speaking from experience here. The blame can become so thick that it produces shame and self loathing. I don’t know that I’ll ever become an enlightened individual that can shed pain because of a thought process. I think that road is far behind me now. Now I’m left with coping mechanisms and learning things that I should’ve been taught as a child. It would be sad for me if I felt alone in this. Unfortunately, there are many of us out there. Going deeper, there are many that will never realize it.

Just off topic, but id love to get a brain scan, if only for validation that I did ever actually had one. or a "before" and "after" scans of being with her. So far I can confirm she turned dark hair to shades of grey.

The before and after would be very interesting to compare. I’d bet a paycheck that there would be a significant difference. I have the graying hair as well. I recall that every time I got a haircut, while with her, how the gray increased as I watched it fall onto the cape.

I had to begin to value myself more and not get complacent - I didnt want to be another statistic of stress related disorders.

I’m glad that you were able to nip this in the bud. I believe I would’ve, but I made a decision to stay through “thick or thin” after she became pregnant. It was a poor decision that nearly cost me everything. Her final discard of me most likely saved my life. She did for me what I couldn’t do for myself. Maybe I will see that as the silver lining someday.
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« Reply #26 on: September 09, 2018, 04:32:01 PM »

Indifference... .I’m actually thinking how I’d react if I ever see my ex again and it scares the sh!t out of me. I’m doing my best to stay away from anything related to him. I take detours so I don’t have to drive past his work, avoiding any stores where the cashiers know us, staying away from any place that ties us both. He’s making my world smaller, still making me feel the shackles, still imprisoned by his memory. I’m doing my best to push through it. Almost three and a half months since NC and I’m surviving this, my faith won’t fail me.
How much of this sounds anxiety related and dont worry it will fizzle away.

When you feel you are ready to, try to confront this fear, visit some of these places with a friend. Have you any pre-set plan if you ever confront him? It helped me to formulate one in advance, in my case I will just ignore her existence. Special forces remember SC, plan ahead then everything is automated, no getting caught off guard. Eventually, you might see him, but youve prepared for it. No fight or flight adrenal hit,or deer caught in the headlight - the mind knows what to do.
Cromwell I want to create a modern manifesto for myself. To declare my progression- from feeling like a nobody to a newly found somebody. To get out of the black hole and come out on top of a rainbow. I want to see paradise again no matter how long it takes. I’ve lost a lot of myself and I want the fabulous SC back. Not a lot to ask, is it?
Youve been through a lot, 6 years and its not been easy going. Already in such a small space of time you have clear goals and hes not around anymore to cause any further upset. As time went on I increasingly felt as if I lost a huge burden I didnt realise I had even been carrying, the energy came back, I realised how productive I could be when it was simply channeled into a positive direction.
Today I dyed my hair back to its natural black color. Got rid of the blond highlights that he preferred and haven’t got a haircut since he left. He always liked it shoulder length- now it’s almost down to my lower back, straight and shiny. I refuse to cut it and it feels somewhat liberating to make that decision. I opened my closet and took out all the dresses, skirts and stilettos I had to put away for years because it made him feel insecure and jealous. Request for approval out the window. SC is back, b!tches! 
Nice one SC, appearance is something really personal to our identities. For someone who apparently hated me so much, she runs around wearing my hoody - its incongruent. She complained about the semi-broken flickering lightbulb in my old house to such an extent that I took it with me to my new one. She was right, it needed replaced, I knew it did - but she did it in such a personal character attack demeaning way that I kept it out of defiance. Its replaced now, it lasted longer than she did.

Not sure how the alcohol will help me prequalify any future dates. I’m a lightweight and I get buzzed just from one glass  of white wine. Got any other suggestions? I see you’ve been in a few dates yourself and I’d like my assessment to be as keen as yours when that day comes. Check back with me in nine months, yes?
Ive read a few good books one was called "spy the lie", I left it on the coffee table openly visible to her. If I knew how to give a guarantee of finding the perfect date id be typing this on my yacht off the cayman islands SC . My rule now, if in doubt discard, if unsure, ask Skip. Probably the biggest ally we have is "look before you leap"; when I was back in contact with my ex I learned that I didnt have to respond to her messages right away despite the pressure. We are in charge SC, never mind the conditioning, someone else might expect a prompt response - yet we are under no obligation to give it until we are ready. Alot of the relationship felt like a "hard sell", ive had less pressure from used car salesmen to make decisions always under pressure.
I never really told you how terrible I feel from reading the ordeal you’ve been through. One thing for sure you don’t deserve pity. Pride is the word I choose. For your year long recovery and continuously providing source of strength and inspiration to me and everyone here. Cheers to you Cromwell and well done my dear diary... .
Thank you SC, Its been a good year overall, maths is your area of competence, mine far less so. but I look back over these years and try to visually graph and plot the "emotion curve". Where have all those peaks and troughs gone in that sine wave this year? its been stretched out to appear not anymore the mountains they once were, smoothed, and I expect in another year the same. Its not all been doom and gloom this year ruminating on my ex, the first 3 months definetely were, but each quadrant looked different from the previous. I had a great day today, except I listened to a song that reminded me of her, it caused the happiness to fall, markedly so. Lesson learned, wont play it ever again. Just like your discovering things SC that make you feel certain ways, "triggers" - they can be avoided, or preferably changed, they arent as fixed anymore than we have made them to be. Ill avoid that song, its an old one, until I can devise a way to alter the association. In summary; your in charge SC even if at times it might not feel like it. Does he still feel like a "problem" to be "solved"? Its how I started to feel, there is a solution and your smart, good at maths, I wish I had done more statistics at school ive found its overlap so much into life in general, relationships and dating.

Hope your feeling better, im grateful you sent some more LA sun but it was cold today. My ex made me feel insecure at this time of year, theres nothing I like more than a warm cup of cocoa when its dark and chilly outside, but its culturally something associated that old people do and she didnt hesitate to amplify that. Defiance SC, think ill go and buy myself a nice comfy pair of slippers tomorrow, buy a rocking chair, dye all my hair grey and then finally fire up that internet dating app what do you think?
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« Reply #27 on: September 09, 2018, 05:04:43 PM »

I don’t know that I’ll ever become an enlightened individual that can shed pain because of a thought process. I think that road is far behind me now. Now I’m left with coping mechanisms and learning things that I should’ve been taught as a child. It would be sad for me if I felt alone in this. Unfortunately, there are many of us out there. Going deeper, there are many that will never realize it.
Im with you here JNChell, its refreshing to me that you often remind of the link back to childhood experiences, it took me awhile to consider making any sort of crossover to a relationship over 2 decades since childhood ended, but I see strong parallels. Some of them disturbingly so - stuff id rather not have had 'resurface'. But importantly, behaviourisms that I carried over that never got unlinked. JNChell, I see it as a form of enlightenment in itself that you discovered this and taking action to remedy it. As you pointed out, I could for one example, easily have just shrugged this off as a "crazy person" I met, not did any deeper introspection, and carried on with life. To make use of an analogy, I tore the meniscus in my knee a few years ago, ive since found out it will never fully heal, although ive also found out there are many things I can do that will make it better rather than worse. Likewise I might never reach the stage of removing all emotional pain ever suffered, but at least I try to do something about it - the very process itself, confronting pain, trying to mitigate if not remove it; I find it for some reason part soothing? as best i can describe, in itself.


The before and after would be very interesting to compare. I’d bet a paycheck that there would be a significant difference. I have the graying hair as well. I recall that every time I got a haircut, while with her, how the gray increased as I watched it fall onto the cape.
elevated blood pressure, increased weight, before I met my ex I was a rubber band in comparison to energy that she had, despite the age difference. Shes gone - everything is back to healthy levels again, what other ailments were in store for me long term? a sexual disease - it would put the "cheating" I couldnt deal with into a far different persepective. Could I reasonably "blame" her for developing a chronic stress related illness in the years that might have continued on that path? Yep - but that doesnt change much. If living with a "health hazard" is not good enough reason to detach, I dont know what is, there doesnt need to go into any dissecting emotions, it should be a no-brainer; your someone that is unhealthy, this has to stop, yesterday already.


I’m glad that you were able to nip this in the bud. I believe I would’ve, but I made a decision to stay through “thick or thin” after she became pregnant. It was a poor decision that nearly cost me everything. Her final discard of me most likely saved my life. She did for me what I couldn’t do for myself. Maybe I will see that as the silver lining someday.

Thanks JNChell, although like yourself, it took me to the point of almost losing my own sanity to do something about it, that moment of being saved by the skin of my teeth is something I cant ignore that it was possible to get to that stage in the first place. I look up to you for being in a situation that I cant imagine how difficult it is, my ex was just supposed to be a gf, turned into someone that felt as if my life had been entirely consumed by, even being scarred for life by it would have felt an acceptable alternative to avoiding complete destruction. I was never discarded but at least I started to see my going back to her in a different light, I imagine in her mind "heres my chance to finish the job properly" rather than building up a quality relationship even if part of it would need huge amounts of remorse, forgiveness and willingness to change as an emergency infusion.
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« Reply #28 on: September 10, 2018, 08:56:28 PM »

Cromwell, thanks for this comment. It really helps to simplify “why” and it’s an angle that I haven’t yet taken. Now I am.

If living with a "health hazard" is not good enough reason to detach, I dont know what is

Kudos!
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« Reply #29 on: September 12, 2018, 08:12:43 PM »

Does he still feel like a "problem" to be "solved”?

Hello Cromwell.

It’s been a couple of days since I’ve written anything here. My cough medication made me really tired to even think.  But those days I also spent soul searching and finding an answer as to why I’m not angry yet. This made me a bit depressed and irritated because I feel like the anger was displaced and redirected to myself. So again I’ve ruminated. And thought of him a lot.

They say people with BPD have great intuition. He must have felt that I was thinking of him. Yesterday he called and left messages several times from bus stations. I don’t pick up my cell phone from strange numbers by the way.

He’s moving out of state and I had the feeling that he was in a panic so he called me at every time the bus stopped. A total of five calls. First he said he was just checking in to tell me that he wishes me the best. Second he said that it is for the best that he’s gone. Third he said he doesn’t know why he kept calling. Fourth he said since he left his life had no direction and he doesn’t know which way to go. And fifth and last, he said he still loves me and wants to speak to me.

It took a lot from me not to answer Cromwell.  Each voice message tore my heart, because each brought memories I’m trying to stay away from. For the first time I got angry at him. Among the five messages he left none of them expressed any type of apology.

All day today I was searching the board for NC topics. They have comforted me somehow. And also confirmed that my decision not to answer was right.
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« Reply #30 on: September 13, 2018, 04:14:13 PM »

Hi SC

Alot of people starting to get colds where I live too. Hope you get better soon and really well done to you for ignoring his 5 calls. How long has it been since NC? They are just triers. It worked for my ex, but that was because I was never apart for too long, if I had, I think I would have been stronger.

Youve went through all this agony, pain, then they turn up and act like nothing happened. Yep I can understand that the anger is there, dont hide it, it will give you the strength not to fall for the whine stories that are always to do with him and not you.

Ive came across a few PD, including my ex, and they all had a very common script with the world; "nothing to lose by trying", and are shameless of how they ask, what lies they use, or childlike sympathy voice to appear helpless.

hes a grown up man, he should be ashamed for treating you the way he did, and to pester you now, all I can say is maybe also been on the drugs again or whatever, that also skews up their thinking and disinhibits them.

On a lighter note, get over this cold! maybe emotions have a part to play in it too. Wishing you well soon - oh and please send us some LA sun back!
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« Reply #31 on: September 13, 2018, 04:42:01 PM »

I called in sick on Monday, it has gotten that bad. Went back to work yesterday and starting to feel better. Summer will be over soon and the mornings are starting to get cold. 

He left on June 1st, so almost three and a half months of NC. The phone calls helped me find that anger so in a way the voice messages helped me get some type of confirmation- that he truly does not give a sh!t and never has. It is quite disappointing because I gave him my all... .heart, body, time. For it not to be recognized nor appreciated was gut wrenching.

You may be right about him being on drugs again- his voice sounded a bit strained and weak. Hearing his voice again felt surreal. Like listening from a relative you have not heard in years. Suffice to say it gave me quite a rough night. I was angry and sad at the same time yet wishing he gets help at the city he's in now. Why do I feel sorry for him Cromwell? It was like that computer chip of compassion in my brain is still installed. It needs to be taken out and self-destruct soon before he starts calling again.

It sucks that I still am not well enough to run again but I keep losing weight anyway because I could not eat. There's an upside, I guess. Thanks for the well wishes, dear diary and sending lots of sunshine your way
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« Reply #32 on: September 14, 2018, 11:43:54 AM »

Hi SC

you were with him for 6 years, loved him, showed him compassion. I can only imagine how difficult it was to ignore this calls - yet you did.

Its a little bit harder to deal with these emotions now, but it pays off in the end, you are on your way to recovery rather than simply going back for more like I did. Hopefully you will get adjusted back to a life you want and deserve sooner than I got.

I was supposed to play soccer today but it rained down heavy, what are you sending SC? haha. SC Ive nearly gave up cigarettes, just had 2 today and I didnt/couldnt think of her today, whilst at college, its just not possible. If you can distract yourself (its good you hae work and other responsibilities) it helps a lot. Wishing you well soon your doing great i mean it.
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« Reply #33 on: September 14, 2018, 12:12:23 PM »

I'm so sorry, Cromwell. Maybe I made an error and sent you leftover tears I reserved for him and mistakenly went your way
At least you have a reason to get those comfy slippers and turn on that dating app  How is that coming along by the way? Any luck? On the learning board I've read a thread on dating sites which I found interesting. Maybe I will try it some time.
On your posts I thought you quit smoking. Kinda hard not to smoke when you have so many thoughts running in your head. It helps when I'm under a lot of stress or just to relax. I know it's bad for me but takes forever to give it up- like a BPD ex  
I think I am healing, a bit faster than expected. His calls, in an odd way, gave me that closure I needed. I am not even angry, just feeling sorry for him because I know he will remain forever lost, unless he seeks help.
Time for the next chapter of my life and keep moving on.
p.s. Did you find the tres leches cake?

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« Reply #34 on: September 14, 2018, 07:33:10 PM »

Hey SC

Im on the chewing gum and if I manage to mooch a cigarette from someone, I might ocassionally, but ive stopped buying them. My plan is to completely stop the smoking but the chewing gum is a nice nicotine metabolism boost dont want to lose, plus I find it hard to concentrate when the cravings come so im sort of stuck. Its more than just a strong mind, it was easier to get rid of "love of life" BPDx then those smokes  Just take it easy, it is a healing time now emotionally, want to keep the mood and morale as high as possible.

The little patisserie I go to didnt have them SC, so I got a salted caramel sponge cake with a nice cute profiterole on top. Actually I didnt like it that much, but I will try the tres leches just need to find it, this is far from LA, SC, we are a modern city but theres not much choice due to the economy, most people cant afford luxuries, a great percentage cant afford food at all, such as my ex, went to what we have charity run "Food banks". She didnt need to, she got welfare, but it helped her to keep a drug and alcohol habit.

I like it how im wide awake, sober, at 1am Saturday night, people are out clubbing, having fun and im dreaming of cake SC . I not going to bother with the dating app, ive met some nice girls on campus, its just a matter of time. im not feeling rushed for a relationship but I do feel ready for one, that emotional pain is almost non existent.

Finisher day today! Youll feel better when you get back to the running, im going to join with you soon, do some jogging in the mornings. One day we will get our berets right? No missing nasty people, cake only once a month and no smoking, but one day at a time get there.

Just see the phonecall as a little "test" that you passed. My ex whenever back in contact put on the whine sort of helpless voice. Its play-acting, its still always about their needs. The reason ive got nearly 900 posts here is - the more the better - I want to never forget the distraught ive been through and keep strong never to go back under any circumstance. Its not easy - our problem is rooted in emotions, but your showing a strong mind SC, lets face it, if there wasnt some hurt, we would be destined to repeat the same mistakes forever.

See you later and be good to yourself  - you deserve it
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« Reply #35 on: September 14, 2018, 08:02:42 PM »

You’re still awake!   
I haven’t tried the nicotine gum but I do have the patch. My doctor gave me a few boxes but I’m not ready to open them yet. Coffee and cigarettes- my new bestfriends and they come in handy in time of self-reflection... They don’t talk back and shoot nasty smirks and insults my way. Odd, something about the combination I find kinda nostalgic and badass. Maybe it’s just me.
Writing about cakes makes me want to run to the nearest bakeshop but I’m practicing discipline Cromwell. Sort of like a phase two of my healing process. Exercise and diet for a healthy, newer SC. Tres leches is made out of batter and three types of milk, the bottom layer of the cake soaked on evaporated milk. You can probably make it yourself from scratch if you can’t find it.
Dude, I’m surprised you’re actually at home and not on a date or in a club. Let me know how it goes, I’m excited to hear about it. As I am with BasementDwellet. We could all compare notes one day. Right now dating is not in my vocabulary yet. A friend of a colleague tried to ask me out earlier today over the phone. My first reaction was “ew!”. I’m actually laughing while typing this but I don’t know why I reacted that way. Weird. What is happening to me?
Have fun with your finisher today. When you get out there stop for one second and remember that I’ll be with you in spirit and cheering for you. And no sh!t, we deserve the berets now after what we’ve been through. Throw in the medals and ribbons, too.
See ya later my dear diary... .
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« Reply #36 on: September 15, 2018, 04:21:54 PM »

You’re still awake!   
I haven’t tried the nicotine gum but I do have the patch. My doctor gave me a few boxes but I’m not ready to open them yet. Coffee and cigarettes- my new bestfriends and they come in handy in time of self-reflection... They don’t talk back and shoot nasty smirks and insults my way. Odd, something about the combination I find kinda nostalgic and badass. Maybe it’s just me.
Writing about cakes makes me want to run to the nearest bakeshop but I’m practicing discipline Cromwell. Sort of like a phase two of my healing process. Exercise and diet for a healthy, newer SC. Tres leches is made out of batter and three types of milk, the bottom layer of the cake soaked on evaporated milk. You can probably make it yourself from scratch if you can’t find it.
Dude, I’m surprised you’re actually at home and not on a date or in a club. Let me know how it goes, I’m excited to hear about it. As I am with BasementDwellet. We could all compare notes one day. Right now dating is not in my vocabulary yet. A friend of a colleague tried to ask me out earlier today over the phone. My first reaction was “ew!”. I’m actually laughing while typing this but I don’t know why I reacted that way. Weird. What is happening to me?
Have fun with your finisher today. When you get out there stop for one second and remember that I’ll be with you in spirit and cheering for you. And no sh!t, we deserve the berets now after what we’ve been through. Throw in the medals and ribbons, too.
See ya later my dear diary... .

hey SC

thanks for the sun! and cheering me on. it helped, you must be in a better mood I can now tell by the climate change here . it was easy, but I cheated a bit, creatine supplement.

its not just you SC, I can relate to being brought up in a time where smoking was normal. it doesnt surprise me to see you finding nostalgia in it. im looking forward to next sunday, im going to bake the tres leches and enjoy with some real coffee - i switched to decaff for now .

why did you turn the date down SC? just curious. if it were me on the other end of the phone id probably think "what the heck where did I go wrong" then have to go for a cold shower

maybe you do still need time, or maybe just being more picky. i dunno. funny either way. your posts keep me in a good mood - think about how in the midst of getting better yourself you ended up uplifting others. I always sense a full-of fun spirit and it angers me that you got driven to this point. fear not, itll come back (isnt even lost), was always part of you and always will be.

I think I need to move to new york, im eating all types of new york food recently. hot toasted bagels for breakfast  yummy. The bakery got me addicted to Cronuts and then stopped making them.

I really hate society, not just my ex, SC, so many psychos out there to tip toe around 

have a great day, start dreaming about the day you graduate special forces and don that coveted beret!












 

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« Reply #37 on: September 15, 2018, 07:39:03 PM »

Hello Cromwell... .
If the weather out there is based on my mood and recovery process watch out for clear and sunny skies and some thunderstorms and lightning in between. I’m finding myself in better spirits after the phone calls. Could be the fact that I’ve released some of that anger towards him I’ve been searching for. I admit there are still bouts of sadness but they only last for seconds.
Great indicator that I’m recovering well is that people from work start gravitating towards me again. Must have put out that sad, depressed and miserable vibes for months and I’ve been deemed stand-offish or to the point repulsive. Yesterday I had four colleagues who stopped by my office for a quick chat, including my boss. Funny how that works. Law of attraction perhaps? It was nice of them to do that but honestly I pretty much keep to myself and I have always been a very private person. I’m not the typical cheerful, fake smile, chitchat type. My boss told me once that I put out a mysterious vibe and he along with others find it intriguing. Not into office politics Cromwell, I despise it actually.
I really don’t know why I turned the date down, Cromwell. The guy is actually attractive, highly intelligent and witty. A good catch for some but my first thought was “ew!”, I did not say it out loud. Haha. I just politely refused and said I had plans. Let’s see what happens if he asks again. I’ll keep you posted.
It snows in New York and if you want a change of climate come to the west coast aka my side of town. That’s my excuse just so I can meet that mysterious diary that talks back. You’ve been bad, Cromwell. Do you know how many calories there are in a piece of bagel? Minus points for you. Kidding. Self-indulge, remember? F¥ck, you genuinely deserve it.
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« Reply #38 on: September 15, 2018, 10:16:07 PM »

Cromwell, I’m sure that you’ve read, but I’d like to invite you to the PSI board. Give it some thought. Hope to see you there.
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« Reply #39 on: September 16, 2018, 12:58:24 AM »

Hello Cromwell... .
If the weather out there is based on my mood and recovery process watch out for clear and sunny skies and some thunderstorms and lightning in between. I’m finding myself in better spirits after the phone calls. Could be the fact that I’ve released some of that anger towards him I’ve been searching for. I admit there are still bouts of sadness but they only last for seconds.
Great indicator that I’m recovering well is that people from work start gravitating towards me again. Must have put out that sad, depressed and miserable vibes for months and I’ve been deemed stand-offish or to the point repulsive. Yesterday I had four colleagues who stopped by my office for a quick chat, including my boss. Funny how that works. Law of attraction perhaps? It was nice of them to do that but honestly I pretty much keep to myself and I have always been a very private person. I’m not the typical cheerful, fake smile, chitchat type. My boss told me once that I put out a mysterious vibe and he along with others find it intriguing. Not into office politics Cromwell, I despise it actually.
I really don’t know why I turned the date down, Cromwell. The guy is actually attractive, highly intelligent and witty. A good catch for some but my first thought was “ew!”, I did not say it out loud. Haha. I just politely refused and said I had plans. Let’s see what happens if he asks again. I’ll keep you posted.
It snows in New York and if you want a change of climate come to the west coast aka my side of town. That’s my excuse just so I can meet that mysterious diary that talks back. You’ve been bad, Cromwell. Do you know how many calories there are in a piece of bagel? Minus points for you. Kidding. Self-indulge, remember? F¥ck, you genuinely deserve it.

Hey SC
maybe he reminds you a bit about your ex, who I remember you said was bright, no doubt attractive and witty too?

do pay attention to the "ew" though, it doesnt come out of nowhere. maybe cant be rationalised, doesnt mean to say theres something you have noticed that is difficult to discern on a concious level.

I would turn up tomorrow SC. California dreaming since I was in my mid to late teens . then I sort of got radicalised at university, very left wing education, USA got painted completely black, BPDish style. Beret turned to red. Yipes. Oh well I was still young and easily influenced. 

i just got up because I couldnt sleep but going to try again. The enemies propaganda has been a bit strong, it woke me up in fact, amplified in the air last night, "vibes" is the word of the day that your interactive diary has selected  they are horrible but useful. strong mind is needed.
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« Reply #40 on: September 16, 2018, 01:26:46 PM »

Did you have a rough night Cromwell?  How are you feeling? Better now I hope, you’re worrying me. Those damn anxiety inducing propaganda need to go away and fast. At this point in your recovery I’m certain you’re able to deal with them way better than most of us here, I believe that. You’re truly inspiring and I admire the strength and courage you emit through your posts. I am in awe of your excellent writing skills and analogies. I am just simply in awe of you.

Talking about sleep, I just have to share the odd dream I had last night. I was in school where the classrooms have no ceilings, floor plan style and I couldn’t find my desk and personal belongings. I’ve walked around and kept searching for it but couldn’t find it. Then suddenly my grandfather, who’s been dead for twenty three years, showed up, walked towards me and kindly held my hand. In the midst of our search a girl, a stranger, same age as mine came up to us, joined and held hands with us. We walked everywhere for a while. The school was crowded and eventually I let go of his hand and lost both of them. I was in a panic and couldn’t breathe. I ended up outside the floor plan and saw a bunch of kids looking at me then pointed at a sign that says exit. It was weird Cromwell. And strange. I’m not going to psycho analyze it though, might drive me nuts.

The ew reaction to this man- whose age a little older than mine, meaning older than my ex. Still a puzzle to me. Most of the men I’ve dated before were a few years older than me. It was by design because I grew up very mature for my age and always thought anyone younger didn’t have anything to offer or share intellectually. Life threw this great irony at me and challenged me with “let’s see how mature you think you are by being with this man.” In the end I didn’t have the manual for it and I failed miserably.

But I do believe things happen for a reason. If I haven’t been put in that situation I’d probably still be an ignoramus when it comes to BPD, wouldn’t be writing on this board and learning that there are so many of us who suffered, are still suffering and recovered. Damn, I probably wouldn’t have discovered that there’s actually a diary that talks back, inspires and lets my fantasies unwind... .

Hey, this one’s for you:

https://youtu.be/1uFv9Ts7Sdw

Feel better my dear diary... .
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« Reply #41 on: September 16, 2018, 01:42:23 PM »

Did you have a rough night Cromwell?  How are you feeling? Better now I hope, you’re worrying me. Those damn anxiety inducing propaganda need to go away and fast. At this point in your recovery I’m certain you’re able to deal with them way better than most of us here, I believe that. You’re truly inspiring and I admire the strength and courage you emit through your posts. I am in awe of your excellent writing skills and analogies. I am just simply in awe of you.

Talking about sleep, I just have to share the odd dream I had last night. I was in school where the classrooms have no ceilings, floor plan style and I couldn’t find my desk and personal belongings. I’ve walked around and kept searching for it but couldn’t find it. Then suddenly my grandfather, who’s been dead for twenty three years, showed up, walked towards me and kindly held my hand. In the midst of our search a girl, a stranger, same age as mine came up to us, joined and held hands with us. We walked everywhere for a while. The school was crowded and eventually I let go of his hand and lost both of them. I was in a panic and couldn’t breathe. I ended up outside the floor plan and saw a bunch of kids looking at me then pointed at a sign that says exit. It was weird Cromwell. And strange. I’m not going to psycho analyze it though, might drive me nuts. 

The ew reaction to this man- whose age a little older than mine, meaning older than my ex. Still a puzzle to me. Most of the men I’ve dated before were a few years older than me. It was by design because I grew up very mature for my age and always thought anyone younger didn’t have anything to offer or share intellectually. Life threw this great irony at me and challenged me with “let’s see how mature you think you are by being with this man.” In the end I didn’t have the manual for it and I failed miserably.

But I do believe things happen for a reason. If I haven’t been put in that situation I’d probably still be an ignoramus when it comes to BPD, wouldn’t be writing on this board and learning that there are so many of us who suffered, are still suffering and recovered. Damn, I probably wouldn’t have discovered that there’s actually a diary that talks back, inspires and lets my fantasies unwind... .

Hey, cheer up. This one’s for you: 

https://youtu.be/1uFv9Ts7Sdw

Feel better my dear diary... .

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« Reply #42 on: September 16, 2018, 06:25:39 PM »

Hi SC

I feel a bit better thanks to Lana.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnxpHIl5Ynw

For some reason I equate the paparazzi helicopter with BPD who wont leave object of desire alone. .

SC, do you dream often? I never remember my dreams, im talking over the course of my 20s I might have recalled less than a handful. I used to sleep like a log, never bothered with expensive hotels - slept in airports, bus terminals, after all, im going to be unconcious so what does it matter? .

When I met my ex, they started. or more accurate; nightmares.

Forget all the sleep stage theories, or dream interpretation; its just a bit of common sense - "somethings wrong", there shouldnt have been nightmares. There was too much BS lurking around in the subconcious, too much mental insidious energy drain going on.

If I ever think of my ex during the day, I use it as leverage. They know they Fd up with us SC, it might never appear like that on the surface - but he made that phone call for a reason. I was surprised that my ex was wearing my hoody, even more that she contacted me again when I gave her my number. It all helped me to see her in a different light, I respected her less. 2.5 years was a long time to test if a dream was really burst, and try to find a scrap to make it not so. Test after test, adding to disappointment after disappointment. It compounded on itself.

Who treats someone the way she did, then is shameless. "Shameless" was the title of a thread I was going to post a new topic on. SC, my ex said she had no "ego", she couldnt have been more misinformed, hers was huge, and a major source of her problem. "Shameless" is different.

When i heard that he had the audacity to phone you, how youve been in emotional pain all this time - im not one to jump to conclusions by default, but being uninvolved emotionally - id feel ashamed to do what he did. The cheating my ex did and all her antics, she used to go-to "shame remover" of being drunk, or using drugs. Its not an excuse, these are simply disinhibitors of the true person beneath the veneer. Advanced recovery seems to always prompt to sweep that all aside - look within myself. I got better when I looked at myself sticking around for all that BS, as shameless, take her out of the equation - it is self esteem eroding. What must they think of us when we accept them back?

Yep SC, youve got this pain and some dreams here and there to contend with, its 3.5months in, for myself those first few months were the worst, its calmer waters to navigate from now. Think of the money you have saved, the stability that is taken place with your family - whats it going to be like 3.5 months from now. I never "dreamed" that id be as of a few days ago, sitting in a university, with where my head was at I felt ready for an institution. I even feel a bit of a fraud for being here, but i worked my ass off for it. Imagine where your life might head to once this burden is fully de-coupled? full steam ahead  id feel, rightfully, the biggest idiot on this board to cross paths with my ex and give her the time of day, never mind a recycle - maybe it took nearly 900 posts and a year to wake up to reality, but it was worth it.

Plus I got to meet and be inspired by countless people like you SC, I still have some difficult moments - but as you said - thats all they are "moments", little tests, overcome them and the long term prognosis is good. Maybe you protected this guy, you said earlier you dont feel ready for a relationship - maybe it wouldnt have been right to enter one now. I felt that way. Feelings might not be facts, but thats not to say they arent worth listening to.
Sometimes I forget my own techniques, I should have just converted her voice into chipmunk speed at the first summoning, maybe a hippo next time, the most dangerous animal but chomping down on a victoria sponge cake rather than my nerves. When shes finished chuck in a handful of macarons from endless virtual supply I have, "shut up!"  Animal analogies, ive used them all, from the rat who rummaged in my trash, now to the angry hippo. Hey, whatever gets me through to Monday, keep perservering on - its all I care about SC.

 cele-br-ate with cake or hell, anything, just celebrate your getting your life back, the most important thing, what better reason? This little clip from one of my favourite books, in a prison - albeit - of the mind - for all that time? How long could it have went on for?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuUW6BTE3FQ

PS: grey skys everywhere today, SC! note to self: I need to try be more uplifting

(lana added to my library) thanks so much and have a great day. I know you can - make it so.  Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #43 on: September 16, 2018, 09:44:49 PM »

It’s been quite a ride Cromwell... .joining this board has been a huge help and I cannot express my gratitude enough to you and everyone else who took the time to read my posts and offer their two cents.
This post is not a goodbye, but a see you later dude one. I think I’m actually ready to see what’s waiting for me out there in the real world. All the endless support and encouragement I have received was genuinely priceless. Never in a million years could I have actually say to someone that hey, I had a diary that talks back. 
That’s all because of you. And I thank you. For everything.
There’s so much to say but I don’t think there’s enough space for it. I just want to simply say thank you. For being there when I truly needed a friend.
The berets, ribbons and medals are already waiting for us at the ceremony. Our names, embossed in gold are already typed on the program. Time to march on, Cromwell. 

Thank you and I will miss you.
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« Reply #44 on: September 19, 2018, 04:58:26 PM »

SC

spirit high and dont let anyone ever put you down. I know you wont. See you later, Will miss you too,

thanks for being there for me when I needed it most. We will win this war comrade... .
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