How much did procrastination delay the decision to detach?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi SC

Alot of people starting to get colds where I live too. Hope you get better soon and really well done to you for ignoring his 5 calls. How long has it been since NC? They are just triers. It worked for my ex, but that was because I was never apart for too long, if I had, I think I would have been stronger.

Youve went through all this agony, pain, then they turn up and act like nothing happened. Yep I can understand that the anger is there, dont hide it, it will give you the strength not to fall for the whine stories that are always to do with him and not you.

Ive came across a few PD, including my ex, and they all had a very common script with the world; "nothing to lose by trying", and are shameless of how they ask, what lies they use, or childlike sympathy voice to appear helpless.

hes a grown up man, he should be ashamed for treating you the way he did, and to pester you now, all I can say is maybe also been on the drugs again or whatever, that also skews up their thinking and disinhibits them.

On a lighter note, get over this cold! maybe emotions have a part to play in it too. Wishing you well soon - oh and please send us some LA sun back!

[Cromwell]

Hi SC

Alot of people starting to get colds where I live too. Hope you get better soon and really well done to you for ignoring his 5 calls. How long has it been since NC? They are just triers. It worked for my ex, but that was because I was never apart for too long, if I had, I think I would have been stronger.

Youve went through all this agony, pain, then they turn up and act like nothing happened. Yep I can understand that the anger is there, dont hide it, it will give you the strength not to fall for the whine stories that are always to do with him and not you.

Ive came across a few PD, including my ex, and they all had a very common script with the world; "nothing to lose by trying", and are shameless of how they ask, what lies they use, or childlike sympathy voice to appear helpless.

hes a grown up man, he should be ashamed for treating you the way he did, and to pester you now, all I can say is maybe also been on the drugs again or whatever, that also skews up their thinking and disinhibits them.

On a lighter note, get over this cold! maybe emotions have a part to play in it too. Wishing you well soon - oh and please send us some LA sun back!

[SerendipityChild]

I called in sick on Monday, it has gotten that bad. Went back to work yesterday and starting to feel better. Summer will be over soon and the mornings are starting to get cold. 

He left on June 1st, so almost three and a half months of NC. The phone calls helped me find that anger so in a way the voice messages helped me get some type of confirmation- that he truly does not give a sh!t and never has. It is quite disappointing because I gave him my all... .heart, body, time. For it not to be recognized nor appreciated was gut wrenching.

You may be right about him being on drugs again- his voice sounded a bit strained and weak. Hearing his voice again felt surreal. Like listening from a relative you have not heard in years. Suffice to say it gave me quite a rough night. I was angry and sad at the same time yet wishing he gets help at the city he's in now. Why do I feel sorry for him Cromwell? It was like that computer chip of compassion in my brain is still installed. It needs to be taken out and self-destruct soon before he starts calling again.

It sucks that I still am not well enough to run again but I keep losing weight anyway because I could not eat. There's an upside, I guess. Thanks for the well wishes, dear diary and sending lots of sunshine your way

[Cromwell]

Hi SC

you were with him for 6 years, loved him, showed him compassion. I can only imagine how difficult it was to ignore this calls - yet you did.

Its a little bit harder to deal with these emotions now, but it pays off in the end, you are on your way to recovery rather than simply going back for more like I did. Hopefully you will get adjusted back to a life you want and deserve sooner than I got.

I was supposed to play soccer today but it rained down heavy, what are you sending SC? haha. SC Ive nearly gave up cigarettes, just had 2 today and I didnt/couldnt think of her today, whilst at college, its just not possible. If you can distract yourself (its good you hae work and other responsibilities) it helps a lot. Wishing you well soon your doing great i mean it.

[SerendipityChild]

I'm so sorry, Cromwell. Maybe I made an error and sent you leftover tears I reserved for him and mistakenly went your way
At least you have a reason to get those comfy slippers and turn on that dating app  How is that coming along by the way? Any luck? On the learning board I've read a thread on dating sites which I found interesting. Maybe I will try it some time.
On your posts I thought you quit smoking. Kinda hard not to smoke when you have so many thoughts running in your head. It helps when I'm under a lot of stress or just to relax. I know it's bad for me but takes forever to give it up- like a BPD ex  
I think I am healing, a bit faster than expected. His calls, in an odd way, gave me that closure I needed. I am not even angry, just feeling sorry for him because I know he will remain forever lost, unless he seeks help.
Time for the next chapter of my life and keep moving on.
p.s. Did you find the tres leches cake?

[Cromwell]

Hey SC

Im on the chewing gum and if I manage to mooch a cigarette from someone, I might ocassionally, but ive stopped buying them. My plan is to completely stop the smoking but the chewing gum is a nice nicotine metabolism boost dont want to lose, plus I find it hard to concentrate when the cravings come so im sort of stuck. Its more than just a strong mind, it was easier to get rid of "love of life" BPDx then those smokes  Just take it easy, it is a healing time now emotionally, want to keep the mood and morale as high as possible.

The little patisserie I go to didnt have them SC, so I got a salted caramel sponge cake with a nice cute profiterole on top. Actually I didnt like it that much, but I will try the tres leches just need to find it, this is far from LA, SC, we are a modern city but theres not much choice due to the economy, most people cant afford luxuries, a great percentage cant afford food at all, such as my ex, went to what we have charity run "Food banks". She didnt need to, she got welfare, but it helped her to keep a drug and alcohol habit.

I like it how im wide awake, sober, at 1am Saturday night, people are out clubbing, having fun and im dreaming of cake SC . I not going to bother with the dating app, ive met some nice girls on campus, its just a matter of time. im not feeling rushed for a relationship but I do feel ready for one, that emotional pain is almost non existent.

Finisher day today! Youll feel better when you get back to the running, im going to join with you soon, do some jogging in the mornings. One day we will get our berets right? No missing nasty people, cake only once a month and no smoking, but one day at a time get there.

Just see the phonecall as a little "test" that you passed. My ex whenever back in contact put on the whine sort of helpless voice. Its play-acting, its still always about their needs. The reason ive got nearly 900 posts here is - the more the better - I want to never forget the distraught ive been through and keep strong never to go back under any circumstance. Its not easy - our problem is rooted in emotions, but your showing a strong mind SC, lets face it, if there wasnt some hurt, we would be destined to repeat the same mistakes forever.

See you later and be good to yourself  - you deserve it

[SerendipityChild]

You’re still awake!   
I haven’t tried the nicotine gum but I do have the patch. My doctor gave me a few boxes but I’m not ready to open them yet. Coffee and cigarettes- my new bestfriends and they come in handy in time of self-reflection... They don’t talk back and shoot nasty smirks and insults my way. Odd, something about the combination I find kinda nostalgic and badass. Maybe it’s just me.
Writing about cakes makes me want to run to the nearest bakeshop but I’m practicing discipline Cromwell. Sort of like a phase two of my healing process. Exercise and diet for a healthy, newer SC. Tres leches is made out of batter and three types of milk, the bottom layer of the cake soaked on evaporated milk. You can probably make it yourself from scratch if you can’t find it.
Dude, I’m surprised you’re actually at home and not on a date or in a club. Let me know how it goes, I’m excited to hear about it. As I am with BasementDwellet. We could all compare notes one day. Right now dating is not in my vocabulary yet. A friend of a colleague tried to ask me out earlier today over the phone. My first reaction was “ew!”. I’m actually laughing while typing this but I don’t know why I reacted that way. Weird. What is happening to me?
Have fun with your finisher today. When you get out there stop for one second and remember that I’ll be with you in spirit and cheering for you. And no sh!t, we deserve the berets now after what we’ve been through. Throw in the medals and ribbons, too.
See ya later my dear diary... .

[Cromwell]

You’re still awake!   
I haven’t tried the nicotine gum but I do have the patch. My doctor gave me a few boxes but I’m not ready to open them yet. Coffee and cigarettes- my new bestfriends and they come in handy in time of self-reflection... They don’t talk back and shoot nasty smirks and insults my way. Odd, something about the combination I find kinda nostalgic and badass. Maybe it’s just me.
Writing about cakes makes me want to run to the nearest bakeshop but I’m practicing discipline Cromwell. Sort of like a phase two of my healing process. Exercise and diet for a healthy, newer SC. Tres leches is made out of batter and three types of milk, the bottom layer of the cake soaked on evaporated milk. You can probably make it yourself from scratch if you can’t find it.
Dude, I’m surprised you’re actually at home and not on a date or in a club. Let me know how it goes, I’m excited to hear about it. As I am with BasementDwellet. We could all compare notes one day. Right now dating is not in my vocabulary yet. A friend of a colleague tried to ask me out earlier today over the phone. My first reaction was “ew!”. I’m actually laughing while typing this but I don’t know why I reacted that way. Weird. What is happening to me?
Have fun with your finisher today. When you get out there stop for one second and remember that I’ll be with you in spirit and cheering for you. And no sh!t, we deserve the berets now after what we’ve been through. Throw in the medals and ribbons, too.
See ya later my dear diary... .

hey SC

thanks for the sun! and cheering me on. it helped, you must be in a better mood I can now tell by the climate change here . it was easy, but I cheated a bit, creatine supplement.

its not just you SC, I can relate to being brought up in a time where smoking was normal. it doesnt surprise me to see you finding nostalgia in it. im looking forward to next sunday, im going to bake the tres leches and enjoy with some real coffee - i switched to decaff for now .

why did you turn the date down SC? just curious. if it were me on the other end of the phone id probably think "what the heck where did I go wrong" then have to go for a cold shower

maybe you do still need time, or maybe just being more picky. i dunno. funny either way. your posts keep me in a good mood - think about how in the midst of getting better yourself you ended up uplifting others. I always sense a full-of fun spirit and it angers me that you got driven to this point. fear not, itll come back (isnt even lost), was always part of you and always will be.

I think I need to move to new york, im eating all types of new york food recently. hot toasted bagels for breakfast  yummy. The bakery got me addicted to Cronuts and then stopped making them.

I really hate society, not just my ex, SC, so many psychos out there to tip toe around 

have a great day, start dreaming about the day you graduate special forces and don that coveted beret!












 

[SerendipityChild]

Hello Cromwell... .
If the weather out there is based on my mood and recovery process watch out for clear and sunny skies and some thunderstorms and lightning in between. I’m finding myself in better spirits after the phone calls. Could be the fact that I’ve released some of that anger towards him I’ve been searching for. I admit there are still bouts of sadness but they only last for seconds.
Great indicator that I’m recovering well is that people from work start gravitating towards me again. Must have put out that sad, depressed and miserable vibes for months and I’ve been deemed stand-offish or to the point repulsive. Yesterday I had four colleagues who stopped by my office for a quick chat, including my boss. Funny how that works. Law of attraction perhaps? It was nice of them to do that but honestly I pretty much keep to myself and I have always been a very private person. I’m not the typical cheerful, fake smile, chitchat type. My boss told me once that I put out a mysterious vibe and he along with others find it intriguing. Not into office politics Cromwell, I despise it actually.
I really don’t know why I turned the date down, Cromwell. The guy is actually attractive, highly intelligent and witty. A good catch for some but my first thought was “ew!”, I did not say it out loud. Haha. I just politely refused and said I had plans. Let’s see what happens if he asks again. I’ll keep you posted.
It snows in New York and if you want a change of climate come to the west coast aka my side of town. That’s my excuse just so I can meet that mysterious diary that talks back. You’ve been bad, Cromwell. Do you know how many calories there are in a piece of bagel? Minus points for you. Kidding. Self-indulge, remember? F¥ck, you genuinely deserve it.

[JNChell]

Cromwell, I’m sure that you’ve read, but I’d like to invite you to the PSI board. Give it some thought. Hope to see you there.

[Cromwell]

Hello Cromwell... .
If the weather out there is based on my mood and recovery process watch out for clear and sunny skies and some thunderstorms and lightning in between. I’m finding myself in better spirits after the phone calls. Could be the fact that I’ve released some of that anger towards him I’ve been searching for. I admit there are still bouts of sadness but they only last for seconds.
Great indicator that I’m recovering well is that people from work start gravitating towards me again. Must have put out that sad, depressed and miserable vibes for months and I’ve been deemed stand-offish or to the point repulsive. Yesterday I had four colleagues who stopped by my office for a quick chat, including my boss. Funny how that works. Law of attraction perhaps? It was nice of them to do that but honestly I pretty much keep to myself and I have always been a very private person. I’m not the typical cheerful, fake smile, chitchat type. My boss told me once that I put out a mysterious vibe and he along with others find it intriguing. Not into office politics Cromwell, I despise it actually.
I really don’t know why I turned the date down, Cromwell. The guy is actually attractive, highly intelligent and witty. A good catch for some but my first thought was “ew!”, I did not say it out loud. Haha. I just politely refused and said I had plans. Let’s see what happens if he asks again. I’ll keep you posted.
It snows in New York and if you want a change of climate come to the west coast aka my side of town. That’s my excuse just so I can meet that mysterious diary that talks back. You’ve been bad, Cromwell. Do you know how many calories there are in a piece of bagel? Minus points for you. Kidding. Self-indulge, remember? F¥ck, you genuinely deserve it.

Hey SC
maybe he reminds you a bit about your ex, who I remember you said was bright, no doubt attractive and witty too?

do pay attention to the "ew" though, it doesnt come out of nowhere. maybe cant be rationalised, doesnt mean to say theres something you have noticed that is difficult to discern on a concious level.

I would turn up tomorrow SC. California dreaming since I was in my mid to late teens . then I sort of got radicalised at university, very left wing education, USA got painted completely black, BPDish style. Beret turned to red. Yipes. Oh well I was still young and easily influenced. 

i just got up because I couldnt sleep but going to try again. The enemies propaganda has been a bit strong, it woke me up in fact, amplified in the air last night, "vibes" is the word of the day that your interactive diary has selected  they are horrible but useful. strong mind is needed.

[SerendipityChild]

Did you have a rough night Cromwell?  How are you feeling? Better now I hope, you’re worrying me. Those damn anxiety inducing propaganda need to go away and fast. At this point in your recovery I’m certain you’re able to deal with them way better than most of us here, I believe that. You’re truly inspiring and I admire the strength and courage you emit through your posts. I am in awe of your excellent writing skills and analogies. I am just simply in awe of you.

Talking about sleep, I just have to share the odd dream I had last night. I was in school where the classrooms have no ceilings, floor plan style and I couldn’t find my desk and personal belongings. I’ve walked around and kept searching for it but couldn’t find it. Then suddenly my grandfather, who’s been dead for twenty three years, showed up, walked towards me and kindly held my hand. In the midst of our search a girl, a stranger, same age as mine came up to us, joined and held hands with us. We walked everywhere for a while. The school was crowded and eventually I let go of his hand and lost both of them. I was in a panic and couldn’t breathe. I ended up outside the floor plan and saw a bunch of kids looking at me then pointed at a sign that says exit. It was weird Cromwell. And strange. I’m not going to psycho analyze it though, might drive me nuts.

The ew reaction to this man- whose age a little older than mine, meaning older than my ex. Still a puzzle to me. Most of the men I’ve dated before were a few years older than me. It was by design because I grew up very mature for my age and always thought anyone younger didn’t have anything to offer or share intellectually. Life threw this great irony at me and challenged me with “let’s see how mature you think you are by being with this man.” In the end I didn’t have the manual for it and I failed miserably.

But I do believe things happen for a reason. If I haven’t been put in that situation I’d probably still be an ignoramus when it comes to BPD, wouldn’t be writing on this board and learning that there are so many of us who suffered, are still suffering and recovered. Damn, I probably wouldn’t have discovered that there’s actually a diary that talks back, inspires and lets my fantasies unwind... .

Hey, this one’s for you:

https://youtu.be/1uFv9Ts7Sdw

Feel better my dear diary... .

[SerendipityChild]

Did you have a rough night Cromwell?  How are you feeling? Better now I hope, you’re worrying me. Those damn anxiety inducing propaganda need to go away and fast. At this point in your recovery I’m certain you’re able to deal with them way better than most of us here, I believe that. You’re truly inspiring and I admire the strength and courage you emit through your posts. I am in awe of your excellent writing skills and analogies. I am just simply in awe of you.

Talking about sleep, I just have to share the odd dream I had last night. I was in school where the classrooms have no ceilings, floor plan style and I couldn’t find my desk and personal belongings. I’ve walked around and kept searching for it but couldn’t find it. Then suddenly my grandfather, who’s been dead for twenty three years, showed up, walked towards me and kindly held my hand. In the midst of our search a girl, a stranger, same age as mine came up to us, joined and held hands with us. We walked everywhere for a while. The school was crowded and eventually I let go of his hand and lost both of them. I was in a panic and couldn’t breathe. I ended up outside the floor plan and saw a bunch of kids looking at me then pointed at a sign that says exit. It was weird Cromwell. And strange. I’m not going to psycho analyze it though, might drive me nuts. 

The ew reaction to this man- whose age a little older than mine, meaning older than my ex. Still a puzzle to me. Most of the men I’ve dated before were a few years older than me. It was by design because I grew up very mature for my age and always thought anyone younger didn’t have anything to offer or share intellectually. Life threw this great irony at me and challenged me with “let’s see how mature you think you are by being with this man.” In the end I didn’t have the manual for it and I failed miserably.

But I do believe things happen for a reason. If I haven’t been put in that situation I’d probably still be an ignoramus when it comes to BPD, wouldn’t be writing on this board and learning that there are so many of us who suffered, are still suffering and recovered. Damn, I probably wouldn’t have discovered that there’s actually a diary that talks back, inspires and lets my fantasies unwind... .

Hey, cheer up. This one’s for you: 

https://youtu.be/1uFv9Ts7Sdw

Feel better my dear diary... .

[Cromwell]

Hi SC

I feel a bit better thanks to Lana.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnxpHIl5Ynw

For some reason I equate the paparazzi helicopter with BPD who wont leave object of desire alone. .

SC, do you dream often? I never remember my dreams, im talking over the course of my 20s I might have recalled less than a handful. I used to sleep like a log, never bothered with expensive hotels - slept in airports, bus terminals, after all, im going to be unconcious so what does it matter? .

When I met my ex, they started. or more accurate; nightmares.

Forget all the sleep stage theories, or dream interpretation; its just a bit of common sense - "somethings wrong", there shouldnt have been nightmares. There was too much BS lurking around in the subconcious, too much mental insidious energy drain going on.

If I ever think of my ex during the day, I use it as leverage. They know they Fd up with us SC, it might never appear like that on the surface - but he made that phone call for a reason. I was surprised that my ex was wearing my hoody, even more that she contacted me again when I gave her my number. It all helped me to see her in a different light, I respected her less. 2.5 years was a long time to test if a dream was really burst, and try to find a scrap to make it not so. Test after test, adding to disappointment after disappointment. It compounded on itself.

Who treats someone the way she did, then is shameless. "Shameless" was the title of a thread I was going to post a new topic on. SC, my ex said she had no "ego", she couldnt have been more misinformed, hers was huge, and a major source of her problem. "Shameless" is different.

When i heard that he had the audacity to phone you, how youve been in emotional pain all this time - im not one to jump to conclusions by default, but being uninvolved emotionally - id feel ashamed to do what he did. The cheating my ex did and all her antics, she used to go-to "shame remover" of being drunk, or using drugs. Its not an excuse, these are simply disinhibitors of the true person beneath the veneer. Advanced recovery seems to always prompt to sweep that all aside - look within myself. I got better when I looked at myself sticking around for all that BS, as shameless, take her out of the equation - it is self esteem eroding. What must they think of us when we accept them back?

Yep SC, youve got this pain and some dreams here and there to contend with, its 3.5months in, for myself those first few months were the worst, its calmer waters to navigate from now. Think of the money you have saved, the stability that is taken place with your family - whats it going to be like 3.5 months from now. I never "dreamed" that id be as of a few days ago, sitting in a university, with where my head was at I felt ready for an institution. I even feel a bit of a fraud for being here, but i worked my ass off for it. Imagine where your life might head to once this burden is fully de-coupled? full steam ahead  id feel, rightfully, the biggest idiot on this board to cross paths with my ex and give her the time of day, never mind a recycle - maybe it took nearly 900 posts and a year to wake up to reality, but it was worth it.

Plus I got to meet and be inspired by countless people like you SC, I still have some difficult moments - but as you said - thats all they are "moments", little tests, overcome them and the long term prognosis is good. Maybe you protected this guy, you said earlier you dont feel ready for a relationship - maybe it wouldnt have been right to enter one now. I felt that way. Feelings might not be facts, but thats not to say they arent worth listening to.
Sometimes I forget my own techniques, I should have just converted her voice into chipmunk speed at the first summoning, maybe a hippo next time, the most dangerous animal but chomping down on a victoria sponge cake rather than my nerves. When shes finished chuck in a handful of macarons from endless virtual supply I have, "shut up!"  Animal analogies, ive used them all, from the rat who rummaged in my trash, now to the angry hippo. Hey, whatever gets me through to Monday, keep perservering on - its all I care about SC.

 cele-br-ate with cake or hell, anything, just celebrate your getting your life back, the most important thing, what better reason? This little clip from one of my favourite books, in a prison - albeit - of the mind - for all that time? How long could it have went on for?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuUW6BTE3FQ

PS: grey skys everywhere today, SC! note to self: I need to try be more uplifting

(lana added to my library) thanks so much and have a great day. I know you can - make it so. 

[SerendipityChild]

It’s been quite a ride Cromwell... .joining this board has been a huge help and I cannot express my gratitude enough to you and everyone else who took the time to read my posts and offer their two cents.
This post is not a goodbye, but a see you later dude one. I think I’m actually ready to see what’s waiting for me out there in the real world. All the endless support and encouragement I have received was genuinely priceless. Never in a million years could I have actually say to someone that hey, I had a diary that talks back. 
That’s all because of you. And I thank you. For everything.
There’s so much to say but I don’t think there’s enough space for it. I just want to simply say thank you. For being there when I truly needed a friend.
The berets, ribbons and medals are already waiting for us at the ceremony. Our names, embossed in gold are already typed on the program. Time to march on, Cromwell. 

Thank you and I will miss you.

[Cromwell]

SC

spirit high and dont let anyone ever put you down. I know you wont. See you later, Will miss you too,

thanks for being there for me when I needed it most. We will win this war comrade... .