much loved family member who I have recently learn has been diagnosed with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have a much loved family member who I have recently learn has been diagnosed with BPD.  We have tried to be emotionally supportive for decades, and it has been painful to watch their pain.

I’ve been learning a lot from this site.  Thank you.  I tried to follow a link that Harri had posted, but was unable to do so until I registered.  I will continue to come here for information.

[Learnnow]

I have a much loved family member who I have recently learn has been diagnosed with BPD.  We have tried to be emotionally supportive for decades, and it has been painful to watch their pain.

I’ve been learning a lot from this site.  Thank you.  I tried to follow a link that Harri had posted, but was unable to do so until I registered.  I will continue to come here for information.

[Harri]

Hi Learnnow and welcome to the board.  I am glad you posted as we can help support you as you learn more and more.  It can be challenging to be an emotional support for someone with a mental illness so it is good to learn as much as you can and develop tools that will help you.

When you want, tell us more about your story so we can better guide you.  Also, feel free to make any comments of ask any questions you may have regarding that link you followed.

Are there any specific things you would like to know more about at this time?

I hop eyou settle in and get comfortable here.  We get it.

[Panda39]

Hi Learnnow,

I wanted to join Harri and say welcome to the BPD Family 

Since BPD is something new for you I thought I'd pop in and share a couple of books that I think are good regarding BPD in General... .

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr

and

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS and Randi Kreger

When I first found out about BPD I went to the library and learned as much as I could by hitting the books they had.

I'm glad you decided to jump in and post, I know you'll find this site really helpful.  Everyone here, gets it, we all have someone with BPD or BPD Traits in our lives.  I look forward to hearing more of your story when you're ready to share.

Is there anything in particular that you are finding particularly challenging?

Take Care,
Panda39

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi Learnnow and thanks for joining our family board.

What sorts of behaviors is your family member demonstrating currently?

We have lots of helpful tools for you to practice and try. 

L2T

 

[Turkish]

What is your family member's pain?

[Learnnow]

My sister-in-law has a long history of depression and anxiety.  She has been cutting (non-suicidal intent) and then intentionally took an excessive amount of a prescription drug before calling us for help.  That resulted in an ER trip, a week stay in a facility for stabilization, short period out, a couple of months in a High quality facility (intensive DBT, lots of adjunctive therapies), followed by out patient care, step down through graduation. She is continuing DBT and working on building her life worth living.  

I am thankful that she is still here and am so worried.  I am having great difficulty with this, and this has put a strain on my marriage.  My experience differs from many of the postings I’ve read here.  My sister-in-law is kind, intelligent, funny, and in a lot of pain.  

The extinction burst which I witnessed was my own.  I’ve had to let go of caretaking.  

I’ve needed to learn and have wanted to talk, but my husband has not.  Everyone’s Responses are their responses, but I’ve been surprised that ours are so different.  I’m scared and we’re not doing well.  We’ve all taken to our separate corners.  There’s a lot of love, fear, frustration, fatigue, confusion, and anger.

[Panda39]

Hi Learnnow,

I experienced a similar crisis, with my significant other's (SO's) non-BPD then 13 year old daughter.  A crisis though difficult is not necessarily a bad thing.  In my case my SO's daughter made suicide comments at school, and the school did what they are supposed to do and reported it.  D(now)17 went to the ER, went inpt, was diagnosed with PTSD, finally got a good Therapist (her uBPDmom had her seeing someone that was ill equiped), got a Phychiatrist, and was put on medication for anxiety.

Through her crisis D17 was able to receive the help and support she needed and it sounds much the same with your SIL.  It is great that she has been able to receive and is accepting help.  That fact that she is doing DBT it excellent.  

I am thankful that she is still here and am so worried.  I am having great difficulty with this, and this has put a strain on my marriage.  My experience differs from many of the postings I’ve read here.  My sister-in-law is kind, intelligent, funny, and in a lot of pain.

What is worrying you that she will make another attempt at suicide?  BPD is one diagnosis but how it manifests itself varies because everyone is different and individual.

Letting go of care-taking is a good idea, both for you and your SIL.  Your SIL is an adult and you are not responsible for her, she is.  By participating in Therapy she is doing what she needs to do for herself as she should, and by not care-taking you are doing for yourself what you need to do as you should.   I can tell how much you love your SIL and want to fix things but that work is hers to do.

Your husband may have more difficulty with all of this because he has lived his life with his sister, not talking about the issues with her may have been the dysfunctional way his family has coped and you are seeing it from an outside perspective so have a different approach.
It could also be your husband is just processing this new information in a different way, than you are.  Does he object to you learning more, or is that he just doesn't want to talk about it?  Have you guys thought about some therapy for you as a couple to work through some of this with a professional?

How is your SIL doing at this point?

Panda39

[Learnnow]

Thank you for your welcoming comments and concern.  I will respond to the questions without directing them to individuals.  I have found video presentations by Alan Fruzzetti, Manning, Blaise Aguirre enlightening.  The BPD diagnosis is not the concern.  Whatever results in her receiving treatment that is helpful to her is welcomed by me.  For DECADES, I have watched her struggle and actively pursue help (doctors, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, church, books, several in patient periods, etc.).  Her life, for her, has been difficult.  This diagnosis seems appropriate from what I have observed.  (High emotional sensitivity, seeking validation, dependent, low self esteem, taking offense where none was intended,  somewhat entitled,  a spending money outside of budget, etc.  My personal descriptions have included ‘willfully naive, thin skinned, easily startled.’)

My husband and I have together loved her as she has gone through many life events which is why the difference in our responses to this most recent event caught me off guard.  We have ‘been there, done that’ many times and have been able to support each other through that.  This time was just too intense, and our responses were out of synch.  (Our responses have never been identical, nor would I ever expect them to be.  We have been good partners through life, and we honor and respect our differences.)  Awareness of our different capacities and needs at this time has required extra editing of words between us, being careful not to add to the burden of the situation. 

I would rather not even attempt to express what my SIL’s pain is other than to say it is real to her, longstanding, and includes relational, vocational, and physical elements.  (After all, I came here to learn, not to tell someone else’s story.)  She is doing so so, and I’m grateful for that.

I hope that this answers your questions.  I thank you for this means of communication.  It has been a helpful source of information. 

My current goals are self care (I’m not succeeding right now, but just participating here is very one step) and validate, validate, validate (that applies to all my relationships), let go, let go, let go.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Learnnow, 

Welcome!

The BPD diagnosis is not the concern.

I agree because we know a diagnosis does not define someone. It does, however, provide extra insight into what we perhaps would not have understood before. I am glad that you are seeking to understand and promote self care for you. Reaching out here has been helpful to so many people, including myself as I heal from being raised by an uBPDm.

How long ago did this suicide attempt happen? My mom often threatened suicide, and it is a strange yet haunting experience to hear the threat so often that you don't take it seriously anymore, and at the same time you fear that they will indeed do what they are threatening to. It resulted in a lot of hypervigilence for me. I believe there is a certain shock and a huge amount of sadness to our system when we learn that someone we love so much decides to take this step. Allowing yourself to grieve becomes critically important so that you can work through what has happened, even with an attempt. Are you able to allow yourself to grieve and work through this shock?

 
Wools

[Learnnow]

The attempt was almost 6 months ago.  At the immediate time, I was just in the state of mind that ‘it is what it is’.  My task was to keep her safe right then, to get her to professionals, respect her autonomy, and step back.  I always been keenly aware that each person is on their own unique journey.  No matter how intimate you are, each person is distinct (and their experience of any event is their own, even events that we shared).  I have willingly and from love given her a huge part of my heart, and she is one of the people closest to me.

 A recognition of my complete impotence in regard to a loved one’s choice of life or death was very heavy.  I was extremely saddened, shocked, but not surprised.  I estimate that the last five years have been heading to this choice.  I have literally asked her if she could hang on just one more day in the months leading up to this.  I’ve tried so hard to NOT give trite responses to the point of feeling mute. What COULD I do? I could BE THERE, recognize the weight and seriousness of her pain, not minimize it, AND know that I could not make it go away.  I could bear witness to the pain, and let know that she was loved.  (Did she feel the love?  I don’t know.  Did I help or hinder?  I don’t know.)

My husband and I took care of practical issues which she could not during that time.  When she selected her treatment center, we supported her decision.  Their admission process set off some internal alarms for us.  Although she is not and never has been our dependent, we had to provide our full financial information as though she was our dependent.  (All of my Consumer Reports rip-off alarm bells were going off.  Not wanting to in any way delay her entry, we did as asked with great trepidation.  Can’t you just see the news headlines about fraud and identity theft from a mental health facility?  Can’t you just see our bank accounts being fraudulently drained?). Here we were trying to affirm her ability, her strength, and her INdependence, and along comes the formal authority making her at least temporarily DEpendent on us. Trust, trust, trust.  Affirm her choice of treatment.  Hope and pray that this will help her.  Let the experts do what they have seen works. 

Well, here I am poring my heart out, and I’ve hit a technical glitch.  I’ll post, see if I can find this, and resume my thoughts

[Learnnow]

The rote speech given by the head during family orientation didn’t help any.  I think she forgot which audience she had and gave her fundraising speech instead of her orientation speech to concerned and scared family members.  It sounded more like fundraising for the college booster club.
During SIL’s initial time there, we were thankful that she was safe and comfortable (a low bar, but we were VERY grateful.). We were hopeful when her thought processes seemed to stabilize.  During this time,  my husband and I became more out of synch.  He really needed to NOT talk about it, and I really needed TO talk about it.  I know that I made things more difficult for him by talking about her situation to him as I normally would.  So I read, watched BPD videos, prayed, exercised, couldn’t sleep, and felt bad about hurting him (and ate a million m&ms).   When she came to our home to visit, her condition really hit me.  I had to withdraw.  I went in my home sobbing.  (I had not done that through all that time.  It hit me hard, and their instructions for the visit had been to keep it calm which is my typical mode.  The more serious the situation, the more calm I become.). My thoughts and focus had been on her and those closer to her.  The timing of my emotional response to her choosing to end her life was not helpful.  I KNOW that her life is hers, the choice to live or die is hers, but the pain that that choice would cause me just gripped my heart when I saw her that day.  I could not be calm about it, and I had been instructed not to be emotional.  That didn’t work at all.  Since the process of the facility was harmful to my household, we declined to go any closer.  We were and are grateful that it seems to have been beneficial to her, but it was harmful to me.  My husband and I have been to a psychiatrist unrelated to that facility, my husband and I are working through this at our pace(s).  I am sorry that I may have hurt her (the very last thing I desired).  If I was harming, contributing to her pain, I needed to back away.  If you have BPD, what do you fear?  Abandonment.  When I am emotionally escalated,  I take some space and time to calm myself.  On that day, doing so caused her pain.  I just needed an hour.  Catch 22 anyone?  Today was the first day that my husband and I seem to be getting back in synch.  He still needs to NOT talk or read about this.  I had little sleep last night, and I hope for some tonight.  I thank you again for being a source of information and a place where I can ‘talk’ about it with my keyboard.  Our timing and the timing of the facility were/are way out of synch.  We are letting SIL drive the timing of our interactions.  She has come over, and we had a visit.  We continue to express our love, but there’s a hole in the cup that holds love inside of her.  We have made a few other plans which she has cancelled.  I miss her, pray for her, worry about her, and I’m getting better at letting go. 

[Learnnow]

... .and then you get texts and calls from her friend who is concerned that she’s going to kill herself right now... .

[Panda39]

Learnnow,

This is when I would call the police and have them do a wellness check on your SIL.  Get the professionals involved... .get help to her.

I'm so sorry you are going through this again 

I'm not sure if this information has been shared with you already but I did think it is worth passing along (read when you have time) It is about suicide ideation in others... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0

Take Care,
Panda39

[Harri]

Hi Learn now, what's going on?  

Are you in contact with your SIL?  

Here is a link to our Suicide Ideation protocol:
https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info3.htm

[Learnnow]

Thank you.  She is on her way to psychiatrist then DBT group.

[Harri]

kay, good she will be in professional and caring hands.

How are you doing?

[Learnnow]

I don’t really know how to respond to that.  I internally debate how much to reveal here.  I am FRUSTRATED, scared, tired, and again my husband NEEDS to NOT talk about it.  He’s my best friend, and this giant, important elephant is in the room.  I can’t make the elephant go away (it’s not mine to ‘fix’, even though I love her dearly), I know that he’s at his capacity limit (he’s equally frustrated, fully aware that this is not his to address).

On one of NEABPD recorded speeches, a DBT specialist said that sometimes she wishes that she could just get a healthy significant other for her clients, and she laughed about her desire to tell them to ‘just’ x, y, or z and how invalidating that would be.  That made sense to me.  That made me feel like all this questioning of my own instincts was human in this situation.  I

If this had happened 20 years ago, we would have been right there, trying to hold her up until this episode passed, taking care of her children, etc.  Now, (and the more I read about BPD and DBT), I am thankful that she’s with professionals, and I feel more and more clueless about what response is helpful.  I am mentally going back to that speech and clinging to the ‘validate, validate, validate’ summary of the speaker. 

And yes, I cried as I began to type this.

[Harri]

That made me feel like all this questioning of my own instincts was human in this situation.

I think it is human.  It is difficult to see all you see and want/need to talk about it and also respect your husbands needs and wants.  That is what we can offer here.  I'm not trying to pressure you but I do want you to feel free, if you can, to post whatever you feel.  It is scary to do that and I get that so no worries and like I said no pressure.

Cry and let it out.  We've got you.

[Panda39]

Leannow,

It's okay to feel what you feel. 

I can relate to your feelings about your SIL I had similar feelings regarding my SO's uBPDxw and her affect on everyone around her.

I found myself angry... .angry at everyone, the ex for all the stuff she was putting everyone through, the kids who were being alienated from their dad by mom, and even my SO because I felt like he was too passive.

What all of that really boiled down to was my frustration at my inability to control everyone and everything!  The best lesson I learned here was that I can only control me and no one else.

You can't control how your husband processes this, and you can't control your SIL and her threats or rescue her... .as much as you want to, and I know you want to because you love them and want to make things better for them.  You can make suggestions and they can take or leave them... .you can't make anyone do something they don't want to do.  That can be a hard pill to swallow.

Panda39

[Woolspinner2000]

Learnnow,

I'm really glad you are sharing here with us. I find that there's this push/pull within us that needs to share the feelings that want to come out, and then there's the pull to try to put other's feelings first and set our own on the back burner.  When I read your posts, I see how hard you are trying to meet the needs of your DH as well as your SIL, to be the safety net that catches them and doesn't hurt them. Yet your own pain is creeping out and you don't quite know what to do with it. Do you feel as if you are oozing out and trying to stuff it all back in at the same time? It can take a tremendous amount of emotional energy to keep up that battle.

The letting go you mentioned, it is hard, no almost impossible, isn't it? There was a time early on in my T when I began to let go of the emotional connection I had to someone. It was a very lonely place, this place of stepping away, because I was naturally an encourager, one who loves with all I have. So to step back and let go was excruciating because I could no longer be in control of comforting and helping.

Hang on tight. We are here to hold you in hugs and to walk alongside of you. We journey together and you are not alone.

 
Wools

[CryWolf]

Thank you for reaching out in this time of difficult circumstances, we are here for you through this.