I want my life back again

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I dated a girl which has undiagnosed BPD but meets a lot of the criteria of the DSM-5. In the beginning things were amazing, it felt like I met my soulmate. Things were great the first few months of us dating, after that things turned around. I felt like my feelings were invalidated a lot, I was blamed for majority of the problems in our relationship and accused of not being there for her when I was. After the relationship, I was miserable and depressed, I completely lost myself. While she told me she was happier and better without me, I believed her but her actions said otherwise. After the breakup she treated me badly, whenever I would cry, she would get angrier and angrier. I am still filled with fear, its come to the point that I'm scared to even have social media or any form connection with her. How can i recover the abuse? Im suffering with low-self esteem, worth, confidence and falling in depression. I am having thoughts of her doing better without me and blaming me for all her unhappiness. I picture her having a great day, everyday... .while I'm hurt and alone and struggling to recover from this... .She dumped me like I was nothing over a small disagreement and chased me on the highway to give my stuff back... .these memories are triggering. I get nightmares still and have cold sweats... .I want my life back again.

[Thatgirl77]

Hi,

I dated a girl which has undiagnosed BPD but meets a lot of the criteria of the DSM-5. In the beginning things were amazing, it felt like I met my soulmate. Things were great the first few months of us dating, after that things turned around. I felt like my feelings were invalidated a lot, I was blamed for majority of the problems in our relationship and accused of not being there for her when I was. After the relationship, I was miserable and depressed, I completely lost myself. While she told me she was happier and better without me, I believed her but her actions said otherwise. After the breakup she treated me badly, whenever I would cry, she would get angrier and angrier. I am still filled with fear, its come to the point that I'm scared to even have social media or any form connection with her. How can i recover the abuse? Im suffering with low-self esteem, worth, confidence and falling in depression. I am having thoughts of her doing better without me and blaming me for all her unhappiness. I picture her having a great day, everyday... .while I'm hurt and alone and struggling to recover from this... .She dumped me like I was nothing over a small disagreement and chased me on the highway to give my stuff back... .these memories are triggering. I get nightmares still and have cold sweats... .I want my life back again.

[Long_term_dad]

Hi,

I dated a girl which has undiagnosed BPD but meets a lot of the criteria of the DSM-5. In the beginning things were amazing, it felt like I met my soulmate. Things were great the first few months of us dating, after that things turned around. I felt like my feelings were invalidated a lot, I was blamed for majority of the problems in our relationship and accused of not being there for her when I was. After the relationship, I was miserable and depressed, I completely lost myself. While she told me she was happier and better without me, I believed her but her actions said otherwise. After the breakup she treated me badly, whenever I would cry, she would get angrier and angrier. I am still filled with fear, its come to the point that I'm scared to even have social media or any form connection with her.

Hi Thatgirl77,

I understand.  I'm leaving a very long relationship and it's the same dynamic for us as you describe, even after many years.  The change you describe both in her and in how you now feel ("filled with fear") seem to be the special hook that gets set when, one way or another, we make the deal (implicit or explicit) to carry their emotional weight around.  It's good you're here. There are many supportive and really informed people here who can help.  Thank you for sharing.  Sharing helps us all.

[Mutt]

Hi Thatgirl77,



I’d like to join Long_term_dad and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry about the circumstances that led you to this site. Breaking up with a pwBPD is truly painful I can relate with your situation. The depression and feeling like your ex hasn’t missed a beat and you’re knee deep in pain is very hard. I assure you you are not alone.

After the breakup she treated me badly, whenever I would cry, she would get angrier and angrier. I am still filled with fear, its come to the point that I'm scared to even have social media or any form connection with her. How can i recover the abuse? Im suffering with low-self esteem, worth, confidence and falling in depression. I am having thoughts of her doing better without me and blaming me for all her unhappiness. I picture her having a great day, everyday... .

It feels like your ex is having a great day everyday now for you that will eventually change a pwBPD have a false sense of self they display a side to the world that doesn’t paint the whole picture the person that you know with the wounded ego is close to reality than the nasjbthat she wears.

The anger that she displays towards you know is intense the reason why she is angry when you cry is because it is a reminder of her dysfunctional behaviour and the destruction that she leaves in her wake. Is that a great everyday surely not.

There are things that you can set in motion that you have in your control that can help you speed up your recovery. I can understand feeling scared you can set a boundary on yourself that you will not communicate with your ex for self preservation - no contact. Boundaries are there to keep you safe from harm.

How frequently does she try to get in touch with you? What was the disagreement about that led to breaking up?

[Thatgirl77]

Hi Thatgirl77,

How frequently does she try to get in touch with you? What was the disagreement about that led to breaking up?

Thanks for your reply. Long story short, I lied about deleting text messages, if you're wondering no their was no cheating involved or any flirtatious texts with other people. I was simply texting my guy friends, shes insecure with me talking to men for some reason (I am a bisexual woman and so is she). Prior to to this for weeks she had been accusing me of cheating, where there were ZERO reasons for her to accuse me of. I literally lived at her house, drove her to work. All I did was go to work, volunteer and go to my physio appointments and spend time with her, so it was confusing why she would accuse m of that. She had my phone, email and social media passwords and their was zero content for her to accuse me of anything. One day, she grabbed my phone out of my hand, I freaked out because it was sudden and uncalled for... .so I was startled not because I was hiding stuff. She was looking through my stuff that resulted in me getting anxious because the smallest things set her off. I grabbed my phone and stupidly deleted the texts in front of her. The I saw her name change on her phone and made a big deal over that (stupid) so it me deleting the texts wouldnt blow up. The next day, she was COLD. Like she wanted nothing to do with me, so I gave her space. The next next day, she was okay and I thought things were getting better. LORD, was i wrong. We went to the theatres that day (I paid, drove). Throughout the movie she was COLD again (shes done this a lot), she didnt even want to put her arm around me, and when I would remove it she'd be like WHY?. So on the drive home, she gave me the silent treatment but didn't want to talk about it.

I pull up to her house and then she asked if "i deleted the text messages", and I lied and said no because I was afraid it'd be a huge argument and me being resulted in being blamed. Then she bawled her eyes in intense anger, and said it was over. She didn't want anything to do with me. She tells me to wait to give my stuff back but I left and drove home because I was crying so much. After that she kept calling my phone, then 20 minutes later she stops calling. As i was driving on the highway home, shes speeding her car beside me like what the ___. She throws my stuff on the driveway, I'm bawling my eyes out and she proceeds to tell me "You did the same ___ that my exes did to me!" and said she doesn't want to get back together.

The few days after that I'm going through that breakup withdrawal, I started begging this girl back (i felt so stupid). She looked at me with ALL BLACK THINKING. Kept torturing me and using everything I left in her house as a way to drop stuff off at my house and leave. Then sh started getting over it, I go to her house and things got better. We talk and says she wants to work things out. We go out for dinner at a fancy restaurant, I paid. Next day she told me to uber (I stayed at her house). The night before she promised to drive me so we can spend  little time together because she was going back to school for a month for summer training. We argue on the phone, and she blamed me for EVERYTHING. The one thing she said was "The hurt you caused me is worse than the hurt i ever caused you", she invalidated my feelings. So she goes back to school, we take a break for one week deciding whether she wants to work this out or not. She spends a week with her bestfriend (WHO ALSO LIKES HER). Came to the conclusion she didn't want to be together but has hope in the future and wanted to be friends and considered me as her bestfriend

I ended up leaving my province because I couldn't cope with the breakup. As soon as I landed she started mocking me for wanting to be her friend ... .like WHAT THE HECK? WE HAD GOOD CLOSURE. And cut me off. Turns out she went on my emails and social medias and found stuff. But there was nothing, the only message i remember was a guy friend asking if I got home okay. I think that set her off thinking I found something new but it was an innocent message. After that she would message me then block me then call me and say "I love you but i hate you"... .there's more to the story but I dragged this on.

We're NO CONTACT right now but she gave me a time limit for it so we can be "friends"... .but who knows if she'll message. Shes got a huge ego, I'm thinking comorbid NPD

[Thatgirl77]

Hi Thatgirl77,

I understand.  I'm leaving a very long relationship and it's the same dynamic for us as you describe, even after many years.  The change you describe both in her and in how you now feel ("filled with fear") seem to be the special hook that gets set when, one way or another, we make the deal (implicit or explicit) to carry their emotional weight around.  It's good you're here. There are many supportive and really informed people here who can help.  Thank you for sharing.  Sharing helps us all.

I hope you're recovering well mate. Same people but different setting. The love bombing stages feel amazing but the devaluation phase feels like hell. What is your story?

[Mutt]

It sounds like you give more of yourself in the r/s than she does with driving, paying for movies tickets. It also sounds like she has put you through a lot of stress and anxiety by making you walkibng on eggshells with the false accusations, it seems like it doesn't matter what you say you're always at fault and she's right. I wouldn't want to break up because of false accusations.

She throws my stuff on the driveway, I'm bawling my eyes out and she proceeds to tell me "You did the same PLEASE READ that my exes did to me!" and said she doesn't want to get back together.

You're you, Thatgirl77 you're not her exes. If you think about it there's a very good chance that she went through something similar with her exes by projecting her own actions on them. A pwBPD fear abandonment and will frantically avoid abandonment perceived or real a way to cope with that fear and a dysfunctional way at that is to reject the person that you think is going to abandon you before they abandon you. You're probably in the same spot that her exes' were at one point by being rejected by her because of her fear of abandonment.

I don't want to generalize every person that you're in a r/s with is a different person and the r/s is different but a pwBPD are emotionally stunted, they don't pause and learn about their behaviours in a r/s (unless they are in therapy) and how they can implement changes in the next r/s do that they don't repeat the same mistakes. The personality and how it's not emotionally development remains the same but the partners are all different.

[once removed]

We're NO CONTACT right now but she gave me a time limit for it so we can be "friends"... .but who knows if she'll message. Shes got a huge ego, I'm thinking comorbid NPD

are you wanting to get back together? how do you feel about being friends?

[Thatgirl77]

are you wanting to get back together? how do you feel about being friends?

I have a small inch of hope but I feel like she doesn't think of me at all or even cares at this point. I think she has moved on and changed but I don't know since I haven't had any contact with her. I feel quite scared... because I'll hurt if she rubs it in my face that lifes so much better without me because she has done it before. But my therapist said if someone has to say it, they probably dont mean it. I think she wanted any leeway to see me hurt because I lied. You know suffering and punishment?

[Thatgirl77]

It sounds like you give more of yourself in the r/s than she does with driving, paying for movies tickets. It also sounds like she has put you through a lot of stress and anxiety by making you walkibng on eggshells with the false accusations, it seems like it doesn't matter what you say you're always at fault and she's right. I wouldn't want to break up because of false accusations.

You're you, Thatgirl77 you're not her exes. If you think about it there's a very good chance that she went through something similar with her exes by projecting her own actions on them. A pwBPD fear abandonment and will frantically avoid abandonment perceived or real a way to cope with that fear and a dysfunctional way at that is to reject the person that you think is going to abandon you before they abandon you. You're probably in the same spot that her exes' were at one point by being rejected by her because of her fear of abandonment.

I don't want to generalize every person that you're in a r/s with is a different person and the r/s is different but a pwBPD are emotionally stunted, they don't pause and learn about their behaviours in a r/s (unless they are in therapy) and how they can implement changes in the next r/s do that they don't repeat the same mistakes. The personality and how it's not emotionally development remains the same but the partners are all different.

You're absolutely right, I gave my complete ALL in the relationship. Yet, nothing was every good enough, i kept giving more and more and it was still never enough. I even tried to get us into couples counselling but sh fails to take ownership on her part and blamed me entirely still. What hurts me the most, is that she put me through too much and I made one mistake and I was discarded like a piece of trash. It hurts. But i do understand how shes thinking "leave before being left".

What hurts me the most when we last talked. She would give me hope then crush it, constantly. She didn't know what she wanted. She said, she feels like it was a bullet dodged for me, that she regrets leaving me but when she gets triggered or angry her decision completely changes. I don't know maybe she is better without me. Maybe she is happier... .but it hurts the most when being blamed constantly for her moods. She was terrible before me and she always had a problem with her exes. She made it seem like she was fine. She always wanted perfect

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Thatgirl,

Based on what you've described here, would you still want to rekindle a relationship if you had the chance?  Knowing that her behaviour is a pattern that she follows in her relationships?  How long is it since the breakup by the way?

Love and light x

[Thatgirl77]

Hi Thatgirl,

Based on what you've described here, would you still want to rekindle a relationship if you had the chance?  Knowing that her behaviour is a pattern that she follows in her relationships?  How long is it since the breakup by the way?

Love and light x

Thank you for your response! I don't know, sometimes it really messes with my head because I unconditionally loved her with everything. If she did change and wanted to give me a second chance, I would take the chance to rekindle. If not then I'm better off being alone. Its been 3 months post breakup. She broke up with me June, we did no contact in July but she came back (charmed her way in). In August we we're acting like a couple but she didn't want to get back together but still acted like my girlfriend. She was pretty conflicted. Right now, we're no contact because she was angry that I could not make a decision whether I wanted to be friends or not due to how she was treating me. Now we're no contact but she made me give her a time limit on it, she said she'll message on the 31st of this month, its making me pretty anxious whether she will or not. In both cases I wouldnt know what to do... .

What are your thoughts on that? Is a relationship even possible to rekindle with a pwBPD?

[Chitchat]

Did you reply to the ultimatum? Was it by pm? Are you asking whether to be friends, or whether it is possible to rekindle?

Shaking the dice ... .

... .You have the initiative here. Don't give it away again. Take your time to decide whether you want to be friends. It's your question, your choice. Don't be distracted by the ultimatum.

They say No Contact is a marathon, not a sprint.

And it's not only the best way to get space for you to decide questions like this, but also the most powerful way of saying what you want to say.

[once removed]

... .You have the initiative here. Don't give it away again. Take your time to decide whether you want to be friends. It's your question, your choice. Don't be distracted by the ultimatum.

i agree with Chitchat here... .being friends after a breakup is not an easy road. both parties usually need some space to grieve, and to detach if its to happen, and when it does, its usually a very different chemistry, different kind of relationship with new boundaries. so its really not a scenario you want an ex dictating to you.

the mentioning of other partners is always a possibility, and thats one of the more common, tougher hurdles in navigating a post breakup friendship. its something you would need the time to be comfortable with, on your timeline, not hers.

If she did change and wanted to give me a second chance, I would take the chance to rekindle.

i would recommend that if you are entertaining the idea of reconciling, or looking for advice on how to navigate a friendship, that you post on the Bettering board, and learn the skills and tools. not only do you not have to make any hard decisions, but the skills and tools will help you in your future and present relationships of all kinds.

[Thatgirl77]

Did you reply to the ultimatum? Was it by pm? Are you asking whether to be friends, or whether it is possible to rekindle?

It wasn't through pm, it was in person. I was in her car, she threatened me and said if I left we're automatically not friends anymore. Then I really loved her and I couldn't imagined losing her so I stayed. Later she told me to call her at night and give her an answer. So I agreed to be friends but needed some time to heal. So I initiated no contact. And she told me to give her a time limit, I told her I couldn't and she said I had too so I gave in. She gave me 2 months then she said she'll be back.

No contact has given me time to think, she put me through so much hurt. We tried being friends before but she would hurt me emotionally, playing games and making me stay in limbo for awhile, saying she has hope then doesn't. She would tell me about all these people hitting her on her social media accounts, and shes loving the attention. As for me I deleted all my social media accounts so she wouldn't find me and for myself.

I meant is there a possibility of rekindling a relationship with a pwBPD?

[Thatgirl77]

i agree with Chitchat here... .being friends after a breakup is not an easy road. both parties usually need some space to grieve, and to detach if its to happen, and when it does, its usually a very different chemistry, different kind of relationship with new boundaries. so its really not a scenario you want an ex dictating to you.

the mentioning of other partners is always a possibility, and thats one of the more common, tougher hurdles in navigating a post breakup friendship. its something you would need the time to be comfortable with, on your timeline, not hers.

You're absolutely right. She has hurt me tremendously in the past bragging about all the different people complimenting her and messaging her and it incredibly hurt me. And I feel like I haven't fully recovered from all the TRAUMA she had put me through. I know she would only use me when its convenient for her... .she has in the past. I love her still but I'm a mess whether to be her friend or not.

[once removed]

You're absolutely right. She has hurt me tremendously in the past bragging about all the different people complimenting her and messaging her and it incredibly hurt me.

sometimes people (of all sorts) will use methods like these to test an attachment or get a reaction. im not saying she does this consciously or, necessarily, even maliciously, but it may be (immature) learned behavior if she senses you pulling away emotionally... .how have you reacted to it in the past?

[Mindfried]

All I can say is your story sounds almost identical to mine. You give, give and give some more and nothing is ever good enough. You don't want to lie but you do just to protect yourself from her and another break-up. It is extremely painful and they are never ever far from your thoughts. In my opinion there is no simple answer. Even after all the name calling and break-ups you only picture them in a positive light. I miss my ex everyday of the week 24/7 but I also know she is a bottomless pit and with each passing day there is more distance between me and her. If you have the strength to stay out and move on that seems to be the best approach. Easier said than done though.

[Thatgirl77]

how have you reacted to it in the past?

I have responded pretty bad to it, basically I'd ask why she would say something that she knows would hurt me. And she would usually respond by, "to make you realize what you're missing out on". Recently, I had to break contact because she has some court stuff of hers sent to my house. Shes acting real nice but I know I'm trekking in some dangerous territory. It seems I'm split white... .but turns out shes been really unhappy and not well emotionally.

[Thatgirl77]

All I can say is your story sounds almost identical to mine. You give, give and give some more and nothing is ever good enough. You don't want to lie but you do just to protect yourself from her and another break-up. It is extremely painful and they are never ever far from your thoughts. In my opinion there is no simple answer. Even after all the name calling and break-ups you only picture them in a positive light. I miss my ex everyday of the week 24/7 but I also know she is a bottomless pit and with each passing day there is more distance between me and her. If you have the strength to stay out and move on that seems to be the best approach. Easier said than done though.

I'm sorry to hear that you went through something similar, it is very difficult. Being in No-win situations and being split black is definitely hard to come by. We miss them but we know they're bad for us, I guess it goes in turn of having that trauma bond with them. I wish you the best and hope you recover soon. I've been moving on and hopefully will be detached soon. Recently my ex and I, got into contact and so far I don't feel much when she messages me.

Wishing you well friend x

[once removed]

"to make you realize what you're missing out on".

well then! shes not very subtle, is she. it sounds like when she wants your attention, wants you emotionally close, she pulls from a very limited, and immature tool kit, and how she goes about it is self defeating, and hurts you, but in a way, she does it because its what she knows, and it works. people with BPD traits have a lot of difficulty in communicating their needs/wants, and fears. they tend to use acting out behaviors.

i think that you can reasonably expect that to continue in a friendship. if you see it for what it is, and you change your response, shes likely to drop it, because it doesnt work. that will probably be a tall order with your feelings being what they are.

i think the precipice before you is to choose a path. the advice and support you receive really depends on where you want to go in all of this. do you want to get back together? do you want to be friends, or give it a try? or do you want to detach and get her to go away?

on this board, folks are in the stages of grieving, and the advice and support you receive will tend to be "detach and get her to go away". what do you want to do?

[Thatgirl77]

i think the precipice before you is to choose a path. the advice and support you receive really depends on where you want to go in all of this. do you want to get back together? do you want to be friends, or give it a try? or do you want to detach and get her to go away?

on this board, folks are in the stages of grieving, and the advice and support you receive will tend to be "detach and get her to go away". what do you want to do?

After I broke contact with her and talked things through, I realized I didn't want me to be friends. She took zero ownership for the way she treated me and even lied to me. She said she was going to be alone to heal from our relationship turns out shes been hooking up with someone else and ended up breaking that girls heart when the girl confessed she liked her. During the beginning of our call, I made it clear that there was no point in being friends if reconciliation was not possible. She did not respect that and in turn kept begging and begging to be friends, she kept pushing me saying... ."how much time will it take for you to stop loving me so we can friends?". And that statment alone made me realize how selfish she is, invalidating my feelings and needing me for her own benefit. Once I was firm with my decision, I was split black... .she begun to guilt me and said "you really don't genuinely want to be my friend". I continued to say it would not work since I still have feelings but she was more concern with being in my life as a friend since she never wants to get back with me - I have been devalued.

I left. I plan to never have contact with her again. Still healing from the trauma and abuse. I'm happy with my decision because for once I started choosing me and stopped choosing her.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm happy with my decision because for once I started choosing me and stopped choosing her.

Congratulations!  That's big.   How are you feeling? 

Love and light x