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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Ex uBPDw Refuses to cut the property cord  (Read 447 times)
Torched
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« on: September 09, 2018, 05:10:56 PM »

Two years post divorce, the final property that we have had for sale between us (court mandated a 50-50 split after sale) has an all cash offer.  Neither of us “must have” this cash, but it is fairly substantial.  It is not a top of the line offer, but there have been no other offers.
I’m more than happy to take it.

I was a bit surprised when she refused to respond to the realtor, and refused to even communicate to texts.  When the realtor called her, she told him she would talk to me about it.  Funny thing is, she hasn’t been able to have a conversation with me for over two years without losing her temper and becoming verbally abusive.  She then didn’t contact me or respond to my texts until late last night when she sent me a really nasty one which she used to denigrate me.  It ended with her saying “she would think about it” when the buyers wanted an answer and were about to walk.

The buyers have likely walked.

I am going to talk to my attorney about it, but I feel like this is going to stink for me.  I have not had to have any contact with her for a long time outside of kid stuff which she has managed to somewhat control of late.

Anyone experienced this type of behavior and have any thoughts on how to deal with it?  My GF thinks I should be forceful and dominant but I tell her it will just invite crazy making.
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Panda39
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Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
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« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2018, 05:23:54 PM »

Torched,

I think discussing this with your Lawyer is a good idea.  Could you get the emails the realtor sent to her?  At least have the documentation of no response.  I would imagine your Lawyer has probably seen this type of thing before... .the opposition dragging their feet.

Speaking as the girlfriend of someone with an uBPDxw, I feel your girlfriend, she cares about you and is protective, is likely angry at the ex, and probably would like to see this property connection between you over (as you would) but she probably doesn't fully get BPD I know I didn't back when I was first with my SO.  She is likely more reactive than you are (her heart is in the right place though) you are right escalating the drama... .will just escalate the drama.

Panda39

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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
livednlearned
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« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2018, 05:28:12 PM »

I had a similar experience that turned into an expensive protracted court battle.

Sorry  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

In our situation, I gave my ex the house during our initial mediated settlement, and that was signed into the order.

It then took me four trips to court, essentially costing me money to give him the darn thing.

It never occurred to me that he wouldn't be motivated to refinance and get me off the deed. Instead, there seemed to be a combination of inertia combined with an interest in staying negatively engaged.

If you have to get an L involved, make sure you have clear language for how things will proceed. Something like, if the buyer offer is within 3 percent of the asking price, Torched gets to be the decider and sole signatory, or whatever a real estate attorney says you should suggest.

In other words, have the judge agree that this isn't something he/she wants to hear about in court again because it's bickering nonsense. Then propose a clear reasonable solution for what the judge can get behind in the event your ex does this again. That way, you don't have to go back to court, and if she tries to, there is an order telling the judge that you did exactly what you said you would do.

In which case, maybe say something about how if you have to return to court to contest what is plainly written in the order, she must cover your legal fees, which you will collect from the proceeds of her portion of the sale of the house.
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takingandsending
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« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2018, 07:57:31 PM »

Hi Torched. Just went through same thing with my uBPDxw. She refused to respond to first offer for 50\50 community home, even though offer was 20k over asking price. In her feelings=facts world, she felt it was too soon to jump at offer as house was on market for 2 days - she was sure there would bidding war.

So buyers walked. Sat on market for 10 days more, several views no offers. 10 days in, got offer 2k under asking price. She said this felt right. Buyer wanted 7k reduction after inspection. Silence from xw. I had to agree to some extortion from xw to get her to agree to settle with buyer at 4.5 k reduction.

Contact your L and the realtor who also wants the sale\ commission and see if there is something you can offer to xw to give her the win so that she can accept the offer.
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2018, 09:06:53 PM »

Two thoughts... .The housing market is way up from boom/bust of a decade ago.  Some are saying the housing market peak may be close or already here, how to convince her that a bird in the hand is far better than two in the bush?  No one can promise which way the housing market will go, but it easily could go down.  A phrase I've heard, it's hard to catch a falling knife.

(1) Is there any Leverage you have that can get her to sign all the paper work?  In a timely manner?

(2) Is there a need to return to court and see if the court will force her hand?  It's rare but sometimes the court will 'sign' for the uncooperative party.  Generally the court makes the order, or makes the settlement an order, but isn't good at actually enforcing it.  Just pondering here, could she be required to sign the quit claim in advance to be held in safekeeping and give you or her lawyer or someone authority to act in her place, say, Power of Attorney for the sale or the next time you get a reasonable offer?  Determine if you can get the arrangements in place so the next time she can't sabotage by indecision or delay.
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Torched
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« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2018, 10:54:05 AM »

Thanks for your input everyone.  We have until tomorrow for her reply, so I am hoping that she is just stalling to empower herself.  The realtor got smart and sent her the offer on docusign, so she has it right there in her face.

It will be troublesome if she declines this offer in my opinion, as the options discussed above don’t seem easy and will engage more triggering opportunities for her.  Cross your fingers.

On another note, I got my first bout of atrial fibrillation last night and this morning in two years post surgery.  My GF is really upset that I’m so affected by my ex.  She is seeing first hand how ex is able to literally physically make me sick at critical intersections where I have to deal with her.  I’m pretty bummed about that too; I’m generally a really strong man and it bothers me too.  My GF is so incredibly supportive and caring for my well being though I do find that embarassing.  Maybe it is a guy thing or maybe it is me not giving myself the credit I need to give myself for what I have gone through with the exBPDw.
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takingandsending
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« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2018, 12:14:14 PM »

Hey Torched. Are you feeling okay now? 
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takingandsending
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« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2018, 12:17:13 PM »

Don’t feel ashamed. I had my first ever anxiety attack going through the same thing with my xw. Happened at work - literally had to leave because I felt I couldn’t breathe while xw was extorting me to gain her consent to agree on house sale.
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Torched
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« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2018, 12:20:04 PM »

I’m doing better, thank you.  A-fib is really scary when it is as bad as mine was as a 40 year old lifelong fitness adherent.  Took three surgeries to correct and I’m really upset that it is “back.”  Hoping the stress of this going away really makes it a moot point.  Stress was the trigger for me and she provided plenty of it.

I’ve experienced plenty of other stress the past two years unrelated to the ex with absolutely no a-fib, not one hiccup.
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Torched
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« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2018, 12:22:55 PM »

Thanks, and sorry you went through that T&S.  It amazes me how intense my physical reactions are to her... .and you know, it is related to fear.  I’m a cop, and I don’t fear being run over, getting in a shooting, etc... .but she can make me completely lose it physically with fight-or-flight heart response.  Adrenal surge... .like I’m in the water with a great white shark circling me.
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Torched
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« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2018, 06:00:45 PM »

Just an update.  She waited until the last minute but signed off.  I don’t have to deal with her over any of these things anymore.  She milked this last one for all it was worth stress wise.

I am taking care of some of the significant real estate aspects of this sale (survey and recording, including extinguishing two rights of refusal which has been a pain).  I would have left it for her to do but it wouldn’t have gotten done.

Time to pop some bubbly shortly
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takingandsending
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« Reply #11 on: September 14, 2018, 12:08:09 AM »

    Congratulations! So happy for you. Hope it gets easier now
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Panda39
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« Reply #12 on: September 14, 2018, 06:30:26 AM »

 
Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
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