After the BPD/trait Ex and dating sites

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi to everyone,
Just wondering what anyone thinks about experimenting with dating sites after breaking up with a bptrait ex.  Its been a year since the separation and I feel so much better being away from the drama, although I still love him.

So I have been experimenting with online dating sites to see how contact with other men feels. Interesting that I have experienced some gut reactions to some of their words/behaviors and have not had a problem letting them go or accepting when they stop contacting me.

What I am seeing in me is perhaps a willingness to honor my initial reactions to a person.  This is helping me to understand what happened with my ex. The very early on red flags that I ignored, etc.

Does anyone have any feedback or experiences in this area?

Thanks
Zen606

[Zen606]

Hi to everyone,
Just wondering what anyone thinks about experimenting with dating sites after breaking up with a bptrait ex.  Its been a year since the separation and I feel so much better being away from the drama, although I still love him.

So I have been experimenting with online dating sites to see how contact with other men feels. Interesting that I have experienced some gut reactions to some of their words/behaviors and have not had a problem letting them go or accepting when they stop contacting me.

What I am seeing in me is perhaps a willingness to honor my initial reactions to a person.  This is helping me to understand what happened with my ex. The very early on red flags that I ignored, etc.

Does anyone have any feedback or experiences in this area?

Thanks
Zen606

[Panda39]

Hi Zen,

I think the key to dating again is taking those lessons we learn from past relationships and using them to assist us in making better choices the next time.

I love that you are paying attention to those gut reactions, so often we don't, or we ignore them, so you are showing some wisemind being more tuned in.

I was not married to someone with BPD, I'm here because my SO has an uBPDxw.  I was however, in a 20 year co-dependent marriage with an alcoholic.

I had learned a lot about myself by the time my divorce was final and I was ready to date again about a year later.  I approached on-line dating much like you seem to be with a sense of curiosity but also knowing myself better.  There was no on-line dating when I previously dated so the whole process was new and add to that that even back in the day I had never been on a blind date and the whole thing was weird, scary and exciting.

I think reading people's profiles can be really enlightening and the screening process kind of a homework assignment.  I like that you can do this behind the scenes and take the time you need to really weigh things, before ever contacting someone.

I encourage you keep going with your exploration to discover what lessons you've learned and how you incorporate those lessons going forward.

Panda39

[gotbushels]

Hi Zen606  

I tried online dating and arranged dating after my relationship.

I think it can be a neat confidence booster because you're exposed to a lot of people--relatively quickly-- who are interested in dating. This would help if work doesn't have you around a lot of new people often.

These two ways were interesting to me rather than waiting for and trying to meet people through work or social groups.

Moreover my preference is that I don't like to mix specific interests with intimate relationships--so these things helped me keep things simple and delineated.

What seems to help me (and some friends too) is to go with the aim of having fun--not expecting to end up dating after that. It seems to take a lot of the tension out at every stage.

I met some nice people, people I'd keep as friends, and people whom I wouldn't mind dating. Of course, I also met people I didn't want to keep in touch with.

Enjoy your peace.  

[BeagleGirl]

I signed up for two dating sites a couple months ago.  I have been taking a completely passive approach and been VERY selective about whom I will respond to, which means I haven't actually gone on any dates.  But BOY has it been entertaining!  I have "Seinfeld names" for the various guys I've been in contact with (currently at the increasing frequency texting stage with "Cat Guy") and regale my friends with stories of what I see in profiles and what guys message me. 

I would agree that this helps exercise the "I don't have to please you" muscles. 

[Zen606]

Hi Panda,
Thanks for your response.  Yes, the wisemind is a valuable concept but its so hard to achieve. One needs to be on top of things, but that is a good thing, especially when we seldom used the wise-mind before.

And yes, I agree, the profiles can be enlightening and also observing the style of written responses, and the person's on-line behaviors, like pressuring one about a variety of things. I don't mean asking, I mean pressuring. This last one is especially meaningful for me because this is what I first saw in the bptrait ex, particularly at the beginning of the relationship with the love bombing.  Being with a bp trait person was certainly an education and I am now so aware of certain behaviors.

Zen606

[Zen606]

Hi Beaglegirl and Gotbushels.
Yes, the "I don't have to please you" option and the dating sites as a confidence booster, is a great way to meet others to socialize with even if its on line.  Keeping it light and without expectations is important for me because at this point in time I am not interested in getting into another romantic relationship. This is my time right now and I want to keep it so.
Zen606

[Panda39]

BeagleGirl and Cat Guy (he'a a little short  )... .Awesome!



Lol... .I couldn't help myself  

[Panda39]

Hi Panda,
And yes, I agree, the profiles can be enlightening and also observing the style of written responses, and the person's on-line behaviors, like pressuring one about a variety of things. I don't mean asking, I mean pressuring. This last one is especially meaningful for me because this is what I first saw in the bptrait ex, particularly at the beginning of the relationship with the love bombing.  Being with a bp trait person was certainly an education and I am now so aware of certain behaviors.

Zen606

I found the profiles could often be very revealing and others were a mystery.  Some clearly were looking for a bootie call, some were still not over their ex... .these guys would tell you what they didn't want in a relationship, but not what they did want, some guys were very romantic, mushy and looking for their "soulmate"... .these guys were tricky for me. To me either they truly were romantics or they were saying what they thought women wanted to hear... .these men that were mysteries to me I did not pursue.  I know I may have missed some gems but I also knew I was avoiding some people I felt were potentially fake at the very least and manipulative/dishonest at worst.

I found my current partner accidentally on line.  I was going to do the stereotypical get together with my girlfriends and work up a profile, but I was offered a free 7-day trial on a dating site and decided to check it out since the whole thing was new to me. Who was on there, what questions did the site ask you to answer, what qualifications were important to me... .just how did the whole thing work.

I just dashed out a profile with out over thinking it, so I could get in and look around and because it was supposed to be just temporary.  I'm actually glad I didn't wait for my friends because then my profile would have been less about my true self and more about how I am perceived by others.  I felt what I had written was authentic.

So I have to make fun of the guys just a little bit here (no offence to anyone of the male persuasion I adore men) and I know from talking to my partner women have their own version of these types of things too.

I happen to live in one of the "healthiest" states in the US, I can't tell you how many guys had pictures of themselves in their Lance Armstrong outfits posing with their bikes with the mountains in the background, others posed with their motorcycles and still others with their cars.  I will say I'm glad these guys have their own interests but for some reason I found this stuff kind of funny... .kind of stereotypical guy... .Look I'm very manly and into guy stuff!

From talking to my partner the female version of this is to post pictures of your dog, or you with your dog and photos of you having cocktails with your girlfriends... .I find this just as amusing as the male version. Look at me I'm a nurturing caregiver that has my own social life!

What they really needed a picture of was what I was planning to do... .A picture of you having wine with your girlfriends while you write your profile for the dating site    Oh, and yes your dog at your feet 
 
I'm being a smart-alec but I don't know how meaningful some of these photos really were.  It is however nice to see a face... .I was also leary of anyone without a profile picture... .did they have 3 heads?  What were they hiding?

So I dived in and perused the selection of men that I was given based on my data entry.  It took awhile but there were 2 guys that seemed to have potential... .one really jumped out at me and the other was more of a second choice.

I went on line assuming I would have to kiss a lot of frogs to find my prince, but I actually found him on the first try.

His profile jumped off the screen, it told me who he was, not what he wanted, and not what he didn't want.  Just who he was, he was a nerd, intelligent, could write, had self deprecating humor, had an interest in movies etc. He was educated, had similar political leanings, didn't smoke, was a social drinker, had kids etc.

So I reached out... .and we have been together 8 years now. I had a 7-day free trial and his membership was going to expire in 3 days... .we literally had a 3 day window to find each other.

I found the whole process really good for me because my current partner is the first person I have been with that I made very conscious and deliberate choices about... .I used my brain before bringing my heart (or body) into it.  Where in my past I just sort of fell into relationships or had a physical attraction that led to a relationship.

I'm really glad you have a better awareness of things, that should help avoid some past pitfalls I know it did for me.

Panda39

[gotbushels]

So I reached out... .and we have been together 8 years now. I had a 7-day free trial and his membership was going to expire in 3 days... .we literally had a 3 day window to find each other.

 Thanks for sharing Panda39.

[SerendipityChild]

This is a fun thread guys 

Something to think about and perhaps delve into when I am ready

[once removed]

full disclosure, i have not, and dont currently intend to try online dating, so i dont really have any experience to share other than anecdotes ive read here, and heard from my friends.

it seems to me online dating is no different than other aspects of the dating world... .lots of candidates you wont be attracted to, wont click with, might get on initially with but wont go anywhere... .plenty of duds, plenty of catches, plenty in between.

the pool of folks is the same, youre just examining it with a bit different spotlight and exposure. anything unattractive or unhealthy whether its superficial or big, will, necessarily, stand out a bit more.

This is helping me to understand what happened with my ex. The very early on red flags that I ignored, etc.

this can be helpful, but it will only take you so far. if you go to a grocery store, you want to learn how to spot "good fruit", not just what fruit to avoid.

so it might be a good idea to focus on what kind of fruit you want to pick. that may require some exposure to different kinds of fruit.

[flourdust]

I've joined a couple of dating sites. I have been separated about two and a half years now, with my divorce to be legally complete aaaaaaany day now. I hope.

I dipped my toe into dating sites a few months ago. I haven't been terribly engaged in it. There have been a few conversations started, and I didn't feel much chemistry or interest, and they petered out after a few days or weeks. I recently started chatting with another woman. I'm lukewarm on her physically, but we seem to have a lot of interests in common, so it seems we might meet up for a drink or something soon.

I'm viewing it as ripping off the band-aid -- I just want to be able to say I've gone on my first post-divorce date (and first date with someone new in well over a decade). I don't have any expectations other than hopefully a nice chat.


Oh... .and for a traumatic experience, I recommend idly swiping through profiles when YOUR EX POPS UP! 

[Panda39]

Oh... .and for a traumatic experience, I recommend idly swiping through profiles when YOUR EX POPS UP! 

Panda39

[flourdust]

 

That was pretty much my reaction.

[Insom]

 , Panda39.  (I can only imagine!)

Nice post, Zen606.  I love how you've described dating as experimental.  Becuase it is!  I view dating - especially the early phases - as practice for a longer term relationship.

Interesting that I have experienced some gut reactions to some of their words/behaviors and have not had a problem letting them go or accepting when they stop contacting me.

Nice job listening to your gut reactions.   

What I am seeing in me is perhaps a willingness to honor my initial reactions to a person.  This is helping me to understand what happened with my ex. The very early on red flags that I ignored, etc.

It sounds like you've changed.  And that you're learning a lot!  Would you like to say more?  Is there an event or thought process you can point to that you believe has led to this ability (or maybe it's willingness) to take your feelings more seriously?

Keeping it light and without expectations is important for me because at this point in time I am not interested in getting into another romantic relationship. This is my time right now and I want to keep it so.

It sounds like you're in information gathering mode.  I can relate to needing space and time to heal. 

What else has dating experimentally shown you?  Do you have a better picture now of the type of partner you think you'll eventually seek?  Or has it confirmed a need to step back?

[BeagleGirl]

BeagleGirl and Cat Guy (he'a a little short  )... .Awesome!



Lol... .I couldn't help myself  

I had to laugh at the "he's a little short" comment because one of the first guys I messaged with on a dating site was quickly dubbed "short guy".  I get to be picky, so a guy has to be at least 5' 11" to have a shot at any response from me.  

{Breaking News} I just agreed to go on a date with "Cat Guy".  

I'm kind of freaking out because I've literally never been on a first date (met dBPDxh when I was 14 and wasn't allowed to go on dates with him until I was 16), much less a first date with someone I met through a dating website, but yet I'm not freaking out because I have nothing really invested in this guy and feel like this will be good practice/learning no matter how good or bad the date goes.

I think he's designing this to be low pressure.  We're meeting for "drinks" at 4:30 on Saturday at a Mexican restaurant.  I'm guessing that's so that it's not a whole evening commitment if things don't go well but also the option to say "hey, would you like to go ahead and order some dinner" if things are going well.

I'm also guessing that I should wear my casual sombrero, given the early hour.

I don't want to hijack the thread, but any thoughts/advice are welcome.

BG

[Panda39]

Go enjoy yourself, go light on the Margarita's and see what you think. Panda39

[BeagleGirl]

LOL!  And I thought I had the ultimate beagle picture library.   

[flourdust]

I think he's designing this to be low pressure.  We're meeting for "drinks" at 4:30 on Saturday at a Mexican restaurant.  I'm guessing that's so that it's not a whole evening commitment if things don't go well but also the option to say "hey, would you like to go ahead and order some dinner" if things are going well.

Ha! I'm your mirror image. I asked the woman I've been chatting with out for a drink on Sunday. I picked a casual place that does beer flights, German sausages, etc. I figured we'd get a drink and maybe an appetizer or something. I'm not averse to ordering dinner, but my goal is to keep it light and under two hours. Even if we really hit it off and sparks are flying, I want to take things slowly.

But then I've been out shopping for a Date Outfit ... .which is NOT what most guys do ... .but it's been sixteen years since my last first date, and after all this time of marriage/kid/divorcing, my entire wardrobe might best be described as Frayed Schlub. So I'm taking a lot of style tips from Queer Eye and hoping I'll look put-together.

[Panda39]

flourdust,

I'm totally bummed I couldn't find a Pillsbury Doughboy wearing lederhosen picture!   

Same advice to you... .go light on the beer, get out there and have some fun 

Panda39