The ugly and painful truth...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

A few days ago I found a website called narcwise.com.  The articles were very profound and I had the sense that my ex just may have many of these traits as well as BPD.  There was a book suggestion that I then downloaded called Psychopath Free,  Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships.  All I can say is that it hit me hard and opened my eyes.  I think I have continued to believe in my ex's poor stories of past abuse and still felt sorry for her victimhood, which stopped me from seeing her abusive treatment of me.  Well, that has now been shattered.  The book outlines exactly how the love bombing and idealization phase sets the stage for everything that is to come as the relationship turns toward devaluation.  I then did something so very hard... .I made myself go back and read all of the first texts... .from first contact through her getting attacked and beat up and how I got drug through that experience with her.  It was a brutal few hours of reading, but then I saw it all so very clearly.  The flattery, the way too soon suggestions of knowing me and all that we have in common, the complete and total seduction and then cementing it will all her stories of past abusive ex's and childhood.  Every single method outlined in the book was there in our text history.  And all of this happened within a matter of just a few weeks!  I was sucked in, totally manipulated, and then spent the next several months in a drama of the violence, harassment, and stalkers she seemed to draw into her life.  The book also really delved into the triangulation that was so frequent with her.  All designed to tell me how many other people were interested in her, how many other people wanted her, and wasn't I just lucky to have her amazing presence in my life!  Still all played out as her being the victim of these crazy stalkers!  Wow... .it was hard not to beat myself up about being so very gullible, but I know I was truly just vulnerable and caring and wanting to help her.  And that was my downfall!  Later, as I started to put the pieces together, then the projection and gaslighting.  It is all such a process that she has been repeating with every single relationship, leaving a path of destruction from person to person.  I finally felt true, deep, rageful anger at having been so used!  And of course while I am doing all of this hard work, she is on to the next victim.  But somehow this book has helped me to see that it was never really "love" and that person never really existed, and all that I am missing was an illusion.  Hard truth to grasp, but maybe the better to take the next step in healing. 

I know so many of us keep thinking we have lost someone so amazing based on that first love bombing and a few other times of intermittent  reinforcement that kept us working hard for more.  For me, accepting that the initial rush was just a set up for addiction and later pain, I am looking at it very differently now!  Anyway, maybe the resources will be helpful for some of you.

[Lostinthedesert]

A few days ago I found a website called narcwise.com.  The articles were very profound and I had the sense that my ex just may have many of these traits as well as BPD.  There was a book suggestion that I then downloaded called Psychopath Free,  Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships.  All I can say is that it hit me hard and opened my eyes.  I think I have continued to believe in my ex's poor stories of past abuse and still felt sorry for her victimhood, which stopped me from seeing her abusive treatment of me.  Well, that has now been shattered.  The book outlines exactly how the love bombing and idealization phase sets the stage for everything that is to come as the relationship turns toward devaluation.  I then did something so very hard... .I made myself go back and read all of the first texts... .from first contact through her getting attacked and beat up and how I got drug through that experience with her.  It was a brutal few hours of reading, but then I saw it all so very clearly.  The flattery, the way too soon suggestions of knowing me and all that we have in common, the complete and total seduction and then cementing it will all her stories of past abusive ex's and childhood.  Every single method outlined in the book was there in our text history.  And all of this happened within a matter of just a few weeks!  I was sucked in, totally manipulated, and then spent the next several months in a drama of the violence, harassment, and stalkers she seemed to draw into her life.  The book also really delved into the triangulation that was so frequent with her.  All designed to tell me how many other people were interested in her, how many other people wanted her, and wasn't I just lucky to have her amazing presence in my life!  Still all played out as her being the victim of these crazy stalkers!  Wow... .it was hard not to beat myself up about being so very gullible, but I know I was truly just vulnerable and caring and wanting to help her.  And that was my downfall!  Later, as I started to put the pieces together, then the projection and gaslighting.  It is all such a process that she has been repeating with every single relationship, leaving a path of destruction from person to person.  I finally felt true, deep, rageful anger at having been so used!  And of course while I am doing all of this hard work, she is on to the next victim.  But somehow this book has helped me to see that it was never really "love" and that person never really existed, and all that I am missing was an illusion.  Hard truth to grasp, but maybe the better to take the next step in healing. 

I know so many of us keep thinking we have lost someone so amazing based on that first love bombing and a few other times of intermittent  reinforcement that kept us working hard for more.  For me, accepting that the initial rush was just a set up for addiction and later pain, I am looking at it very differently now!  Anyway, maybe the resources will be helpful for some of you.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi lostinthedesert,

I have made myself go through old texts, too and this can be painful, but also give us a more complete picture of what has happened.  One good thing about anger is that it can move us out of the state of denial and ready to make some changes.  I think you are saying you are ready for the next step in your healing, right?  What do you think that step might include?

Looking forward to hearing more,

Blessings and peace,

Mustbeabetterway

[Lostinthedesert]

Yes, I agree that moving out of denial is a huge step.  I am so very committed to healing from this ordeal.  I am seeing a counselor, I joined a gym and am working with a personal trainer to try to recover some of the weight and strength I lost, I meet every week with a group of good friends, I journal, read on this site and other materials to help me through the process, and I listed to meditation tapes!  So I know I am headed in the right direction and maybe realize that I just need to be more patient.  Today is the anniversary of that first meeting with my ex... .hard to believe that a chance lunch could have eventually lead me down this road three years later, but I just have to believe their is light on the other side!

[XSurvivorX]

... .hard to believe that a chance lunch could have eventually lead me down this road three years later

Why is it always Lunch? That was what happened to me, too Lost.  What you've outlined above sounds really positive in terms of your own mental and emotional understanding, health and well being.  I might pick up this book you mention; I've been BPD-free since 2013 but, its never too late to take a closer look on the past and learn from it.  I expunged a lot of emails and texts years ago so, I will have on my memory (which, depending, may be skewed or flawed based on the gaslighting and manipulation going on in my own r/s).

Great post, and good observations!

[once removed]

hi Lostinthedesert  

congratulations on the steps youre taking toward healing, it does sound like youre very committed. getting a good counselor or therapist is a great step, and taking good care of yourself physically is really critical, at a time where it can feel like trying to move mountains to even get out of bed.

i want to caution you a bit on psychopath literature. this material (and so much on the internet) is often not clinically reliable. people with BPD traits are very impulsive types, who have very weak relationship skills. everyone can be manipulative of course, but if you think about it, no one really premeditates a plan to use/get someone addicted to them to steal their love, you know? i mention this because such a narrative can, potentially, increase your suffering. who wants to feel like a sucker? its hard not to feel that way at times, i know. my own relationship was complicated, and complex... .we loved each other the best we could, but ultimately, in part due to the nature of the disorder, and in part 'just because', things werent sustainable in the end. its a sad chapter in life we must grieve and mourn, but life does go on, and it does get better.

hang in there. keep fighting for healing  

[Wicker Man]

In my relationship with my ex, who I believe suffers from BPD, I saw no premeditation.  She lacked impulse control and was moved by her maelstrom of emotions.  There was certainly no Machiavellian plot for my destruction. 

I have said often here she loved me with the same passion she could hate me with.  In a time of distress or while drinking she could forget about us. 

I believe she was on emotional fire and running away from the flames and pain.  In loving her I got drawn into the emotional conflagration -I got burned. Not by her will to do so, but by being close to the emotional torment she feels every day. 

If there had been an ounce of intent to do me harm her final rage would not have been a couple weeks before I was to have bought a home for her and her family.  She was doing the best she could to love me, but I am afraid she could not love herself.  Without ‘I’ there is no ‘I love you’ -she lacks a sense of self and I am afraid she loths the little bit of self image she does have.  If she could have only seen herself through my eyes. 

It was actually out of compassion for people suffering from BPD which lead me to post here in the first place months ago.  Yes -I was hurt badly and I miss her -but I should imagine the pain I feel is nothing compared to the daily torment she feels. 

The ugly and painful truth in my opinion began long ago in her childhood.  It left a beautiful human being to feel alone and scared in the world -needing love and incapable of maintaining a loving relationship.  I have nothing but extreme pity for her and of the dream I lost.

Wicker Man

[SerendipityChild]

It was actually out of compassion for people suffering from BPD which lead me to post here in the first place months ago.  Yes -I was hurt badly and I miss her -but I should imagine the pain I feel is nothing compared to the daily torment she feels. 

Exactly what I am feeling now... .thanks for the affirmations, Wicker Man. They do provide comfort to most of us here.

[Lostinthedesert]

I do agree about the compassion for the damage to my ex from her abusive childhood and that is exactly what kept me in it... .knowing that little girl's sadness and desperation to be loved.  I appreciate the warning about the psychopath stuff, as I am certainly not convinced my ex had intention, although there were some things that I still don't understand.  Unlike some of the other stories I keep reading her, my ex seemed to draw or create or somehow involve herself with all sorts of people that wanted to harm her, and in fact did harm her... .not just her "abusive ex's" but people she worked with, and near strangers!  This is the part I can't quite understand.  It was almost as if maintaining her victim status was worth getting the sh*t beat out of her or putting up with stalkers and other harrassment and she made sure that I always knew about these incidents, which at first triggered my care taking and protective mode... .then later started to wear me out and feel traumatized myself.  My ex seemed to thrive on attention to her looks, her abilities, etc. and really needed validation from so many sources.  I guess to just convince herself that she was worthwhile.  I knew that I would never be enough, that I would never be able to fill her big hole of need.  And she of course certainly let me know I wasn't meeting her needs because I didn't want to move in with her.  I still feel love for her.  I still feel compassion for her.  I just had to finally save my own life.

[MeandThee29]

I believe she was on emotional fire and running away from the flames and pain.  In loving her I got drawn into the emotional conflagration -I got burned. Not by her will to do so, but by being close to the emotional torment she feels every day. 

If there had been an ounce of intent to do me harm her final rage would not have been a couple weeks before I was to have bought a home for her and her family.  She was doing the best she could to love me, but I am afraid she could not love herself.  Without ‘I’ there is no ‘I love you’ -she lacks a sense of self and I am afraid she loths the little bit of self image she does have.  If she could have only seen herself through my eyes. 

It was actually out of compassion for people suffering from BPD which lead me to post here in the first place months ago.  Yes -I was hurt badly and I miss her -but I should imagine the pain I feel is nothing compared to the daily torment she feels. 

The ugly and painful truth in my opinion began long ago in her childhood.  It left a beautiful human being to feel alone and scared in the world -needing love and incapable of maintaining a loving relationship.  I have nothing but extreme pity for her and of the dream I lost.

Beautifully said.

My therapist said to be prepared for a call or email that mine has found someone. She may even have adult children about the age of ours so that he can get it "right" the second time. He's so hungry for love, and there are women out there that are hurt too and will take that he is articulate and polite and go from there. In time and behind closed doors, his next woman (if he finds one) will experience what I did.

It's amazing, but I'm feeling more and more complete myself as the days go by. Life is good.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Lostinthedesert, I agree with once removed, you sound very committed to your healing.  Congratulations on that.   

I can certainly understand and empathize with you, lostinthedesert, when you say you stayed because you felt compassion for the little girl's sadness and desperate for love.  I felt that for my husband, too.  I literally ached for the things he suffered as a child. 

But, as everyone has said, even though we tried, we couldn't save them and had to save ourselves.

[Wicker Man]

This is the part I can't quite understand.  It was almost as if maintaining her victim status was worth getting the sh*t beat out of her or putting up with stalkers and other harrassment and she made sure that I always knew about these incidents.

I would like to preface this by saying my sample size was exactly one and my evidence anecdotal... .  One man's observations of someone he believes suffers from BPD... .

Lostinthedesert  Mine had similar behaviors.  My belief is the dangerous behavior's my ex elicited were a sort of a thrill seeking -a way to distract herself or momentarily dull her inner pain and torment. 

E.g. She was frequently putting herself in to a 'MeToo' situation with a film producer I knew to be dangerous.  I finally told her 'If he rapes you I will kill him and then I will go to prison... .So please watch your step'.  Now... .to her credit she did actually stop drinking and became responsible about her dealings with the producer. ***good for her.

My ex seemed to thrive on attention to her looks, her abilities, etc. and really needed validation from so many sources.

Once again mine presented the same behaviors.  In China a person in a position of authority will be given an honorific like 老師 (teacher).  She sought this out and if she were to be in a position to be called 'teacher' she would lose herself.  I could see a metamorphosis and in the worst of these instances she ghosted me and started seeing an actor on set for a couple weeks. ***Not so good for her.

From my observation all of these behaviors were in a sense escapism.  Same goes for the ubiquitous cell phone constantly pinging social media even smoking cigarettes -all mini dopamine hits.  Desperate attempts to 'self medicate'.

Even cutting is a form is escapism.  I know I have run to feel pain and escape -same mechanism, however running is socially acceptable.  She was shocked when I told her I understood her cutting and we simply needed to find a more socially acceptable way to stop her pain -she stopped cutting while were were together. *** Good for her.

Our relationship was an affair on my part.  In retrospect I wonder if she wasn't interested in me, being a married man, as a subconscious acceptance of the inevitability of abandonment.  If I left it wouldn't be her fault, as I was married anyway.  At least one of her past lovers was married I am sure she expected to be lied to and strung along as he had done.  Our relationship ended up being far worse --we committed to each other before the heavens came crashing down upon us.

In closing I would like to reiterate I do not believe any of these behaviors or decisions on her part were made on a conscious level -instead I believe she was a leaf blown in her emotional tempest.  She does not wake up in the morning thinking how can I torpedo my life today?  Which man shall I tear the heart out of the week? 

No.  I feel she wakes in the morning fearing whether or not the dysphoria will come back.  What will the voices say today?  How will she cope with how she sees herself or the impulsive things she has done in the past and the ruins she is making of her life. 

How will she face her family?  Will anyone ever love me?  Will I take my own life? 



Wicker Man

[Lostinthedesert]

Thank you for sharing that you observed some of the same behaviors in your ex, Wickerman.  I totally agree about the thrill seeking behaviors as a way to feel alive or feel anything but the emptiness.  My ex did extreme mountain biking for years, and in spite of 11 knee surgeries, still pushed herself with physical activity.  I guess there is just some addiction to the adrenaline even if you are destroying your body, or getting beat up.  It all was just beyond me to try to continue a relationship with someone always on the cusp of some violence or abuse showing up in her life.  I was not prepared and even felt violated myself from the stress of it.  Maybe that was the point as well.

[Wicker Man]

... .I was not prepared and even felt violated myself from the stress of it.  Maybe that was the point as well.

LostInTheDesert I am currently working in Beijing, the town where Dream Come True (translation of her name) and I met.  I am color correcting a movie and while shooting this movie we were together -it has given me pause for reflection.  As you can imagine her ghost is everywhere for me these days.

When you mentioned the extreme mountain biking I had to laugh.  Dream Come True had been a dancer and I don't think she has moved of her own volition since quitting dance.  She was the laziest thing!  At one point I was going to go run and asked her to join me... .It took her 45 minutes to find her things and get ready.  She looked the perfect little running ninja!  She made it 3 blocks and couldn't run anymore.  I laughed almost to the point of crying.  I got a good punch in the arm for my effort -not abuse... .I deserved it.  We had a nice walk and I never brought up running again.

I understand your ex using exercise and pain for release.  I used to do hand to hand combat as well as stick fighting --getting beat up was cathartic.  When one engages in a dangerous sport there is a hyper focus necessary which washes the world away.  One has to be completely present in that moment to the expense of all other thought and concern.  The troubles of the day fade and there is a beautiful and pure emptiness.  To create in combat is to find that quiet and empty place -oddly serene and addictive.

I am spending time to figure out how to replace this sort of activity.  I don't have the time to fight anymore and broken bones are less fun at my age. As for my mountain biking I only do fire roads now, single tracks are too dangerous unless one can ride all the time.  Flying off my bike into gravel is also an escape of sorts, but not serene and not addictive... .

Since being here in Beijing and having to face all the memories of last year I have been doing a lot of reminiscing as well as trying to reconcile the experience.  What was the attraction?  What did I miss?  How did circumstance lead me to this day? 

If someone had told me two years ago you would find yourself having had an affair, heart broken, having filed for divorce, in therapy, and spend time writing on a forum for a personality disorder you had never heard of I would have thought you were mad!

You wrote something which I find intriguing and is certainly food for thought -you felt violated.  I am not sure I did, but I am going to keep digging -perhaps violated is a good operative.  I will bring it to my therapist.

Mine is an amazing artist and her incredible work was my initial attraction.  There was a beauty in her eyes verging on madness -I knew it from the first.  I knew she was not an easy person.  I saw her rage early on, but figured it was part of being an artist -gifts like that never come for free.  She had been, in my opinion, misdiagnosed as a bipolar schizophrenic.  Both of these disorders are tenable and can be greatly mitigated through a stable relationship.  I had the full support of her family and had, in fact, helped rekindle the relationship between her and her mother.

She cheated on us early on and I forgave it as acting out of fear and youth -I had presumed she was overwhelmed by the newness and uniqueness of our relationship.  I was to find out to my peril that was not the case.  She was a serial cheater. 

Later in our relationship I convinced her to stop drinking, as I had mentioned, and the cheating had stopped.  However, the trait was there and I should imagine it may have begun again if we had continued our relationship.  She was in constant contact with two other ex boyfriends.  One of which, I felt, was a physical danger to both of us.  He was a rich kid and it is not uncommon for some horrendous revenge behavior after a break up here.

We were still in the honeymoon of our relationship [Limerence!] (idealization phase to use the BPD vernacular) when things broke down.  I never felt stressed while we were together.  In fact my heart rate would drop by 10 beats a minute when we were in each other's company -I marveled at the calming effect of her presence.  That was to change... .

In our last week before the break up the wheels had started to fly off a little bit -some odd friction.  She suddenly cancelled a vacation to Thailand, refused to accompany me to a meeting at the very last minute (she was to act as interpreter for me) and she then refused to send a payment to my agent fee (our money was in her account)... .I let this go, but it was concerning.  It was the first fractures I saw when we were in each other's presence.

2 weeks later I was in the US preparing a hose for sale and she began raging.  The rage lasted for a week and she broke up with me (Christmas day... .classic).  It was, apparently, a threat or a bid for power, but I took it as a shot across the bow -she was firing for effect. 

I thought it over and agreed with her we should end our relationship.  In that moment, when she broke up with me, I felt terror for the first time in my life -I didn't like it... .  I learned I hate terror... .

I had nearly fully committed to a relationship which would have likely ended life as I know it.

In my rumination I have come to believe the good times with her were the best I have ever experienced -literally 3 of the best weeks of my life.  The bad times were far and away the worst experiences of my life.   Keep in mind I despise hyperbole and do my best to avoid it, but with her life was heaven or hell, high or low, black or white. 

For me trying to recover from my time with her comes down to transference.  Projecting my world view on to her and not understanding the disorder from which I believe she suffers.  I style myself as kind, stable and understanding.  So I presumed she was on the same page and looking forward to a long and peaceful life together.

Recovering from a relationship with someone who says 'Knight in shining armor', 'Always and forever', 'destiny', 'you are the one', 'made for each other', 'a gift from God', and so forth (yes... .the BPD vernacular is the same even in a different language and culture) is hard to reconcile when the behavior is diametrically in opposition to the dialogue.  How can someone who, by her own admission, needed me, loved me, and said such lovely things be able to shatter our relationship?  Cheat?  Lie? --The answer, I believe, is she suffers deeply and on a level I will never fully understand.

The tragedy, in my opinion, is she understands what she did and who she lost.  She simply could not help herself -it is deep in her wiring.  Once again, it comes down to the bone crushing pain the disorder creates for her.  The last time she cut herself - I now believe was because she invited her ex boyfriend over to our apartment 2 days before I got back to Beijing.  I don't believe she would have done this out of machiavellian malice, she was likely feeling utterly empty and needed to escape.  Afterward came the crushing guilt.  The 2 dozen roses were still there when I arrived. She asked if she should throw them away... .I said 'Why?  The roses didn't do anything wrong -they are pretty'.  I held her and she cried.

I have come to believe I was in love with two women, Dream Come True and the woman who hated Dream Come True and wishes for her anihilation.  She didn't lie to trick me, she was trying to hide her self loathing from me.  She didn't cheat because she hated me, but because she was empty and hates herself.

I would love to have the luxury of being angry with her, but instead I am just filled with pity.  I couldn't save her -I would have if I could have, as there is true beauty within her -but also a terrible darkness.  Therapy is not possible here in China like in the West -I do not see her life ending well.  I would give anything short of my own wellbeing to see her happy, but ending our relationship felt like a matter of kill or be killed.

It all was just beyond me to try to continue a relationship with someone always on the cusp of some violence

I am not in the 'run' camp.  From what I have come to learn relationships with people suffering from BPD can work and when they do it can be quite wonderful (although hard).  However without therapy and firm commitment from both parties there is, in my opinion, little hope.

I am sorry for the pain you felt in your relationship.  Mine has left me reeling.  I likened the experience of my relationship to have taken a schedule 1 narcotic [drugs with high risk and no counterbalancing benefit -banned from medical practice] an impossible and deadly high. 

I keep looking for a lesson and cannot find it, beyond the obvious -affairs are a bad idea.  Day by day the color is slowly returning to my life, but she left a big whole in me.  We tore each other's hearts out.  Perhaps she learned there are guys out there who will treat her well and will learn how to cope with her disorder and perhaps not.  My watch is done and it is up to her.

Life goes on.  I will keep looking for a lesson, and continue to evolve my worldview. 


Wicker Man

[once removed]

my ex seemed to draw or create or somehow involve herself with all sorts of people that wanted to harm her, and in fact did harm her... .not just her "abusive ex's" but people she worked with, and near strangers!

BPD traits and low self esteem tend to run hand in hand. we (all of us) often gravitate toward people that reinforce our beliefs about ourselves, the good ones and the bad ones.

I guess to just convince herself that she was worthwhile.

low self worth, feelings of unworthiness, can run very deep.

which at first triggered my care taking and protective mode... .then later started to wear me out and feel traumatized myself

its one of several common qualities that many of us were both attracted to, and overwhelmed by.

[Lostinthedesert]

I so appreciate your words and agree with the excruciating pain these women deal with on a daily basis.  I have my own childhood wounds... .an ill mother who died when I was only 10, the unfair responsibility of trying to be an "adult"  to survive and take care of my siblings, etc.  My relationship and breakup with my ex laid me open to all of my old wounds, and it felt as if I was trying to carry hers as well... .then to be blamed for abandoning her, being cruel, jealous, and basically a shi**ty person... .well that also hit every button of guilt I have ever carried!  As you said, I feel pity and compassion for my ex, and sometimes anger, and I miss her, and I never want to see her again, and it has been so confusing and so beyond painful.  I guess my lesson is to finally work on healing my own wounds in the hopes that I will have something better to offer someone else should the opportunity ever come about again for a healthy, mutually respectful, and truly loving relationship.  I do look forward to that day when the memories fade, the pain eases, and the light comes back into my life.  I wish that for everyone here struggling to move on and heal.

[Wicker Man]

... .unfair responsibility of trying to be an "adult"... .

I am so sorry you lost your mom at such a young age that must have been unimaginably painful.  My situation was different and similar all at ounce -I was made into an inappropriate confidant by my mother at about the age of 6. By the age 11 I was more away of the family finances than my father.  It made me grow up pretty fast.  There has been both good and bad.  I am empathetic to a fault, but extremely fiscally responsible.  I have a fairly good sense of self preservation, but I am loyal to an extreme.  Rather than a full blown codependent I leveled off as a nice guy people pleaser.  In therapy I need to work on figuring out what my needs are and then once discovered how to put them first.

I feel pity and compassion for my ex, and sometimes anger, and I miss her, and I never want to see her again, and it has been so confusing and so beyond painful.

So well said! This sums up my feelings and needs toward Dream Come True.  Last night was really rough.  I am flying home today and knowing I was so physically close to where we lived without seeing her came at me in waves.  It was a stark reminder that I will never see her again, never speak with her again.  I realized I cannot remember what her laugh sounds like anymore -even her voice is fading.

I am angry at the terrible irony of BPD -someone who craves love, needs love so deeply is incapable of sustaining it.  I am angry at a world so cruel in which little girls are abused to the point us suffering deep and lasting wounds.  I miss the dream I had for us.  I miss the idea of holding the baby we spoke of having.

However I have begun likening my pining to having bought a losing lottery ticket and spending time wishing the numbers were different.  -They aren't... .It was the wrong ticket and nothing can change that for me, so I need to let it go... .But the ticket sure seemed like a winner.  I felt like the luckiest man in the world... .Until all hell broke loose... .  Suddenly not so lucky.

I do look forward to that day when the memories fade, the pain eases, and the light comes back into my life.  I wish that for everyone here struggling to move on and heal.

With work and time I have been noticing this happening.  I think about her less.  The rumination has become less frequent.  When our break up was fresh I spent a lot of time doing mental detective work and came to some pretty terrible hypotheses.  It was painful and pointless -but I couldn't stop myself.  I am glad that has passed.

Thank you for your post and insight.  It was on the mark enough to nearly bring some tears. 

Wicker Man

[Mustbeabetterway]

Lostinthedesert,

As you said, I feel pity and compassion for my ex, and sometimes anger, and I miss her, and I never want to see her again, and it has been so confusing and so beyond painful. 

I can so relate to this. Love, anger, compassion, aversion.  It is very confusing emotionally.  Just found out for sure that my husband from whom I am separated is seeing someone new and he reports to friends that he is happier than he has been in a long time.  Very painful for me.

  I do look forward to that day when the memories fade, the pain eases, and the light comes back into my life.  I wish that for everyone here struggling to move on and heal.

I’m looking forward to this day, too.  I was once so happy and so completely optimistic . 

Here’s to healing,  wishing you much peace and many joys,

Mustbe