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Author Topic: Letting Go of the Wrench  (Read 486 times)
Lucky Jim
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« on: September 14, 2018, 03:34:35 PM »

Friends, I'm in a service profession and when a client comes in with an issue, I'm usually confident that I can solve it.  I suspect that I brought this same Mr. FixIt mentality into my marriage to my BPDxW.  I was always at the ready, with wrench in hand, ready to tackle the next problem.

In a BPD r/s, of course, there is no end to problems and it seemed like I was constantly running from pillar to post in an effort to meet whatever demands my W was making on me or was otherwise quelling the latest drama.  Yet my efforts were never enough, it seemed.

Now, I strive to make a conscious effort to separate my issues from those that don't belong to me.  It's counter-intuitive for me, but I'm getting better at saying there's nothing I can do about that.

I wonder whether others have found, perhaps reluctantly, that it's OK to let go of the handy-dandy wrench and just let things unfold in a post-BPD world?

LuckyJim
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« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2018, 09:54:14 PM »


Now, I strive to make a conscious effort to separate my issues from those that don't belong to me.  It's counter-intuitive for me, but I'm getting better at saying there's nothing I can do about that.

My work involves failure analysis.  It's identifying root causes of failures (for others to fix) but since we use expensive tools,  part of my work is troubleshooting and fixing minor issues in a lab.  I'm also "Mr.  Goto Guy" for a lot of things.  

I remember at my old job that my boss was going on vacation.  She knew my tendencies and said,  "I know you like to help people,  but you have your own tasks and people need to figure out things themselves,  so do what you need to do for your responsibilities and let them do theirs." That's the best I can recollect of the conversation 20 years ago.  

Of course I did the opposite of what she said, feeling anxious while doing so because I knew she would know when she got back.  I think she knew it because she wasn't that hard on me later.  

In my personal life I was attracted to so many dysfunctional women.  I think I'm over that now. Like The Voice said in Field of Dreams,  ease his pain. No thanks.  

A very senior member here once said,  "you can't fix your problems with one person with a completely different person.  That's impossible." I don't know about you,  but that's what I was doing.  

I still like to be Mr. Goto Guy though   my current bosses and team appreciate it.  Someone needs to do it.  
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« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2018, 05:53:48 AM »

Hi Lucky Jim  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I tend to be a “fixer” too, and have found that letting go of other people’s problems/responsibilities feels great! However, it’s an ingrained pattern, and old habits die hard.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

Recently I’ve discovered that pausing before saying yes (taking a day or more to think a request over) helps tremendously. Just last month, a colleague asked me if I’d be willing to switch around certain days that I usually work, to enable her to be available for other clients of hers whom she wanted to help out. I wanted to help her out, so I said yes, no problem.

Later, I figured out that I had just agreed to working the same number of hours, but getting less money, so the next day I had to tell her that it wouldn’t work for me, and that I’d be open to alternating schedules, or some other arrangement. She totally understood, and hadn’t thought of the money aspect. Then she said to me, “See, that’s what happens when you say yes too quickly.” It’s a topic we talk about a lot because of the work we do.  

So, I think taking time to think about what the ramifications are for us is important and helpful when we have fixer or rescuer tendencies.

heartandwhole
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« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2018, 06:57:32 AM »

This is a great topic LJ! 

I am also a fixer/rescuer by nature and have become a great deal more self aware over the last couple of years around how I've allowed that to affect me to my detriment.  It's still a work in progress and as Heart says, deeply ingrained.  Just last night I was walking home from an evening with a friend.  I've been really unwell the last few weeks and it was the first time I'd ventured out to spend some time with a friend in a good while.  I was glad that I went, but it still took it out of me.  It was pretty late, I was tired and cold and wanted to get home to the warmth of my house, have a drink and collapse into bed. 

As I walked up the street I almost walked straight into a man who was swerving around on the path, clearly intoxicated, who veered suddenly to one side and stopped right in front of me.  I was able to quickly sidestep to avoid the collision and continued to stride past without becoming involved.  Previously I'd have stopped and said "You alright, fella?  Think you'll manage to get home?", regardless of how unwell I was feeling or how much I needed to rest.  Which could have led to any number of scenarios, 99% of which would be highly uncomfortable and inconveniencing to say the least.  Possibly even having me feel anxious about some random stranger having latched onto me and seeing where I lived, as we were only a street away from my home. 

I felt quite proud of myself as I continued home to my drink and my bed.  Those types of situations rarely went well for me as I'd get too involved.  Last night I reminded myself instead that he is a grown man and had chosen to drink to the point that he would have to stagger home.  It wasn't my responsibility to rescue him from himself.  Every time I stop myself from trying to solve others' problems (whether they want that or not, I might add), I feel a little bit healthier and more compassionate towards myself. 

Knowing the difference between someone who really needs assistance and someone who is perfectly able to make their own choices and come to their own solutions has been a skill I've been working on.  For example, I found an old lady face down in the street a couple of months ago.  Although I didn't see it happen she'd obviously fallen and it appears that she had momentarily lost consciousness as she was totally still and initially I feared the worst.  She was in a poor state with multiple injuries to her face and hands when two guys ran to my assistance to get her up and she was in a state of shock.  I helped her, without letting myself go too far, and felt good about the fact that I'd known when enough was enough.  I still made it to my class which was important to me and the lady received the medical care she needed and was very grateful for the help.  Historically I'd probably have sacrificed my class and remained with her in the hospital.  It's satisfying to see some progress in myself.  Thanks for giving me a place to share about this.

Love and light x   
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« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2018, 08:08:07 AM »

Knowing the difference between someone who really needs assistance and someone who is perfectly able to make their own choices and come to their own solutions has been a skill I've been working on.  For example, I found an old lady face down in the street a couple of months ago.  Although I didn't see it happen she'd obviously fallen and it appears that she had momentarily lost consciousness as she was totally still and initially I feared the worst.  She was in a poor state with multiple injuries to her face and hands when two guys ran to my assistance to get her up and she was in a state of shock.  I helped her, without letting myself go too far, and felt good about the fact that I'd known when enough was enough.  I still made it to my class which was important to me and the lady received the medical care she needed and was very grateful for the help.  Historically I'd probably have sacrificed my class and remained with her in the hospital.  It's satisfying to see some progress in myself.  Thanks for giving me a place to share about this.
   

Yes, I've been thinking about this sort of thing in a different light. I'm a helper type, but I'm pretty good with boundaries there (not in other areas though).

My pwBPD used to always get on my case about not being a caring person, but it was unhealthy caring that he wanted me to do. He'd want me to take meals to people who had already made other arrangements or said they had too much food that others had brought in. The circles I'm in are pretty good about asking people if they want meals, and even when no one else was taking food over, he wanted me to do it. He was always good about sending cards, but in the months before he left, he stopped doing that and had me do it so I could "learn" caring. I understand now that it was that he was looking to me for far more than a spouse could provide and was doing this to get yet more evidence that I was an uncaring spouse. And that cards are fine, but sometimes actually visiting or meeting them for coffee if they are friends is even more meaningful. For some reason, we didn't do much of that as a couple. I'm really enjoying it now though.

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« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2018, 07:46:40 AM »

I’m also learning to put down my wrench. I’m also working to understand some of the hidden motivations I have for picking it up or holding on longer than is healthy.

This week I provided a safe place to stay for an 18 year old who is leaving an abusive situation. I have the financial and space resources to do so, but I found out that I don’t have the time and emotional energy resources she desperately needs. I started the process of “rallying the troops” to help, but wasn’t able to find people who could step in quickly. Her grandparents asked her to come live with them. I see  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) in many of the things her grandpa has said, and I know I could have easily convinced her to stay with me, but this was my invitation to put down my wrench. I’m still keeping a minimal communication with her and as troops show up I’m putting them on standby in case things with her grandparents fall apart and she asks for help, but I’m not taking responsibility for her. 

This weekend I am taking an additional step and listening to my body and spirit and doing some extra self-care to allow myself recovery from the time she spent with me. I lost quite a bit of sleep and experienced quite a bit of pain as she shared her abuse experience and I opened up some of mine to her. I’m also battling the FOG I place on myself when I don’t feel like I’m giving enough of myself. This is the time when I feel the least deserving of self care, but I’m learning that it’s when I most need it.

I’m also listening to the voice that is saying “This is just like the time you failed xyz”. This time I’m listening not to add to my shame, but to uncover it so it too can be healed. It’s been dawning on me that this girl reminds me a lot of dBPDxh’s sister.  She was the focal point of abuse in their home and, at 9 years younger than dBPDxh, I felt responsible for helping her. And I feel like I failed her. But she never should have been my responsibility (I was 14 when I started feeling responsible for her) and I did the best I could. Those truths are what I need to work through so I can start to heal that old wound.

Thanks for bringing this up LJ. It’s very timely.

BG
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« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2018, 09:37:43 AM »

a little devils advocacy on a sunday morning... .

just let things unfold

do we have that luxury in marriage, or any long term relationship?

persistent problems and conflict require solving. unresolved differences slowly erode and break down the most loving of relationships.

"not my problem" can be a slippery slope. our partners problems, at the end of the day, are our problem. nor do i want to be someone that turns a blind eye to suffering/the human condition when its in my power to help them responsibly.

so where do we draw that line between being responsible to others, but not responsible for others?
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2018, 10:30:07 AM »

Excerpt
so where do we draw that line between being responsible to others, but not responsible for others?

Hey OR, I think it's a question of mindfulness, as h&w, HQ, M&T and BG suggest.  Compassion is an admirable quality, yet for Nons like me it has to be tempered with the reality that sometimes care-taking is unhealthy and a way to avoid addressing one's own issues.

As HQ and h&w note, it's deeply ingrained for me, which is why I started this thread.

Thanks to all for your thoughtful replies,
LJ
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MeandThee29
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« Reply #8 on: September 17, 2018, 07:14:30 PM »

so where do we draw that line between being responsible to others, but not responsible for others?
A friend provided me with a fenced garden analogy and said that I seem driven to cultivate everyone's garden but my own.

When we were together, I was determined to keep it all together even though my husband's garden was growing tall weeds that I couldn't even get to. Certainly I could buy him equipment and make suggestions, but ultimately had to decide whether a crop of weeds or nice vegetables was going to grow. At times he'd let me in, but at times he'd also drive me out. It was quite confusing.

After he left, I was worried about the reactions of his family, our church, and our friends. And those were gardens that I really wasn't in control of at all. They can do whatever they want to with their fenced gardens in the end.

Meanwhile my own fenced garden was dying. I had no idea what I wanted to put there, and I didn't invest much time on it. So it remained somewhat barren.

However, now my own garden is growing again. I'm learned not to be a people-pleaser. And I have no idea what the state of my husband's garden is right now. That makes me sad, but I won't reconcile under his conditions. I know little of his daily life.
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« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2018, 09:35:32 AM »

Neat topic Lucky Jim  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I wonder whether others have found, perhaps reluctantly, that it's OK to let go of the handy-dandy wrench and just let things unfold in a post-BPD world?
I think there's a bit of both.

Of course there's heaps of problems in a relationship with a pwBPD--I agree with you. With less problems comes less satisfaction of solving them.

That said, I'll take the 'non-BPD' issues any day. I think of it this way. Being out of a relationship with a pwBPD is like being paid for the same job but doing ~1/5 the work as before:
  • 0 dysregulations a month versus 3-8 dysregulations?
  • More intimacy (without hyper-vigilance background music)?
  • No violence?
Sign me up please! 

It's counter-intuitive for me, but I'm getting better at saying there's nothing I can do about that.
I felt this way too--sometimes at work, sometimes in relationships. I felt, "wow will these people discover I'm not needed here". After getting over that hurdle, I realised that I could spend that time doing more valuable things. In the context of a romantic relationship, that gives me more time to spend growing other areas of my life, or enhancing my relationship. I wished for the time to do the enhancing part when I was with the pwBPDSO--but now I get to do it since there's not 500 problems everyday. 

I agree with once removed about knowing when to let go of the wrench, and it's definitely worthwhile to discover when to do it.
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« Reply #10 on: September 18, 2018, 01:45:50 PM »

sometimes care-taking is unhealthy and a way to avoid addressing one's own issues.

are we talking about care-taking or solving marital/relationship conflict?
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« Reply #11 on: September 18, 2018, 02:23:55 PM »

Excerpt
are we talking about care-taking or solving marital/relationship conflict?

Can it be about both?   

My husband is a great fixit guy, but it feels invalidating when he tries to fix my problems rather than listen.  I think this is a common male/female dynamic.    Early in our relationship I recall feeling frustrated because I didn't feel heard.  Over time I've learned to say, "Please, no advice.  But can you listen for a minute or two?  I need to vent."  Lucky me, he's heard me and has become a great listener.  When I feel heard I find I'm very often able to find a way forward with whatever my problem is, or ask for help if I need it. 

Conversely, I have a VERY bad habit of invalidating my husband by talking about myself after he's shared something about how he feels with me.  For example, if he says "I feel this way about x . . ." I have a habit of jumping in with something like, "Me too!  I know exactly how you feel because . .  "  Or worse:  "Don't feel bad because . . ." I'm learning that comments like these can feel VERY, VERY invalidating because they redirect the conversation away from him and toward me.  I'm learning I can help him more by standing by and listening rather than giving advice or attempting to change an outcome.   

(I think I traded my wrench for a phone.)





 
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #12 on: September 19, 2018, 01:31:36 PM »

Excerpt
A friend provided me with a fenced garden analogy and said that I seem driven to cultivate everyone's garden but my own.

Hey MeandThee29, Love this analogy!  That your personal garden is "fenced" implies good boundaries to me.  Happy to hear that your own garden is growing again.  It's OK to feel sad about the state of your husband's garden, but in my view it's his job to tend it, not yours.

LJ
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« Reply #13 on: September 21, 2018, 08:43:09 AM »

I wonder whether others have found, perhaps reluctantly, that it's OK to let go of the handy-dandy wrench and just let things unfold in a post-BPD world

I try to implement this in my everyday life thanks to help to my therapist. I like helping people in general, and I have a "Sherlock Holmes" persona where I need to know why and how and solve things out of curiosity and also to help. I noticed the more I let things flow organically, the better the circumstances and outcomes. I also feel more at ease and less anxious.
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« Reply #14 on: September 23, 2018, 06:19:05 PM »

Hey Lucky Jim,
I am also Mr Fix It, and that is how I operated throughout my failed ten year relationship with my BPD ex-wife. I am also learning about myself and how I feel this urge to help. Despite the horrendous last year spent with my ex, at times I still feel sorry for her, I know her background and feel terrible that terrible things happened to her, in those moments I always remember my T who exclaims “see? That is your compassionate side coming through, but you can’t do that” and then he goes on “she did this and this and this to you, what is it that you are not getting here?” One of his funny but true analogies at times is “a relationship needs two working cars, you are not be the mechanic!”

Hope you are doing great Lucky Jim, you certainly gave me lots of clear pointers in our correspondence over the years. Thank you!
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« Reply #15 on: September 23, 2018, 06:34:24 PM »

Echoing all of the above in spades!

The single most helpful "in the moment" aphorism that has helped me to derail my insanely ingrained impulsive/compulsive Ms. Fixit tendencies is:

"Not my circus, not my monkeys"

I have saved myself from picking up the wrench countless times by invoking this one simple little saying!

Warmly,
B
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #16 on: September 24, 2018, 01:10:59 PM »

Excerpt
I noticed the more I let things flow organically, the better the circumstances and outcomes. I also feel more at ease and less anxious.

Exactly what I'm talking about, CryWolf.  Like you, I have an urge to get out my meerschaum pipe and magnifying glass at every opportunity, yet now I strive to let things unfold naturally.  It turns out that life goes on without me attempting to "figure it all out" and its OK for me to let go of BPD issues.

Love that analogy, Raul, to the need for two working cars in a relationship and, agree, you can't be the mechanic.  I also appreciate your kind words and am happy if you have found my posts useful over the years.

That aphorism will come in handy, Baglady, and thanks for sharing it!

LuckyJim





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« Reply #17 on: October 02, 2018, 08:47:40 PM »

Recently I’ve discovered that pausing before saying yes (taking a day or more to think a request over) helps tremendously.


I too find this works.  I try to have contact be via text or email or call, and those methods (when she reaches out to me) allow me to control when I reply, giving me anywhere from a few minutes to a day to reply.
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