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Author Topic: Silent/blocking and payback  (Read 421 times)
Navysndfirey

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« on: September 18, 2018, 11:08:03 PM »

Hey team, first time poster but long time reader.
My storie goes back 14 months now. My exuBPDgf decided to end our relationship back in end July 2017, but for an unknown reason she was happy to continue to push/pull me and keep me around for another year. We didn’t have any physical contact but we did catch up over the 12 months. Ever 5 weeks she would have an out burst at me telling me to leave hear alone and never contact her Then back to talking again this was a cycle constantly happening. She has a best friend who’s back on the scene fultime again, when we were together the friend was slightly pushed aside nothing big my ex would come into the city To have lunch with my instead of seeing her, we would have nights in instead of going out to a pub with her, just the usual couples things. Mind you this Friend is already married with 2 kids also. So it’s not a single no kids woman. Fast forward to 12 months later we experience the standard out burst again and I placed my foot down and told her exactly how I felt about what’s shes doing and that I wasn’t playing these games anymore and if she wanted to have a proper relationship and talk things through the balls in her hands. That’s when I went full no contact, off all social media if she wanted me she had to messenger me or call. The following months she deleted herself of all social group accounts we were both in, the trip to Hawaii with her best friend I received abusive picture messages from them calling me a stalker, harasser. To then finally have the police turn up with a apprehend  domestic violence order. Filed on me due to her driving past my house and seeing my lights on at 530 in the morning saying “ He could have been outside waiting for me”, seeing me in traffic when I waved at her whilst waiting for the lights to change and my car parked at the local corner shops.
Her friend has posted but now deleted this on social media with my name and a #stalker.  Since receiving this paperwork in July we have have no less than 6 occasions where we have attended the same gym sessions where she’s stayed and completed the session. But has implemented a perfect brickwall approach that I don’t exist I know if she looks at me but she won’t even acknowledge I’m alive. Which suits me.
I’m just dumb founded on why this has all of a sudden happend?  Did I just change the status quo by not feeding her ego by not contacting her after the latest dummy spit?

Cheers Smurf
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« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2018, 01:26:23 PM »

hi Navysndfirey,

glad you decided to post.

it sounds like there are unresolved feelings on both ends. for our partners/exes that can play out in a lot of different ways, sometimes a lot of vindictiveness.

was the last time you spoke the incident where you cut off all contact?

are you looking to reconcile the relationship?
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Navysndfirey

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« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2018, 09:53:33 PM »

Hey once removed.

The last small Bitmoji of contact would have been about 5 weeks after I cut her off. When we were at a gym session together and I told her that I got the rude picture of her and friend sticking their finger up call me a C***. All she did was humf and smirk. 5 days later that’s when I got the domestic order delivered.  That’s why it’s so interesting.
I cut of contact, didn’t bite when they were baiting me weeks later. And still not biting back when she ignored me. Then the order appeared.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2018, 08:47:31 AM »

I placed my foot down and told her exactly how I felt about what’s shes doing and that I wasn’t playing these games anymore and if she wanted to have a proper relationship and talk things through the balls in her hands.

With someone who struggles to regulate emotions, she won't have an easy time with a reprimand phrased like this. It could even trigger a parent-child type dynamic where she feels scolded (e.g "you're bad").

What's the nature of the order about? Are you prohibited from contacting her?

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Navysndfirey

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« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2018, 07:08:51 AM »

Evening  livednlearned,

Yes just the standard 3 no contact, harassment, intimidating
+ an extra 2 no going within 600ft of her work place/place of work or the home address. After the first court appearance she revoked the work address and location. Not sure about the house but the police weren’t happy with her agreeing to remove what she did. This is where my legal team were confused that she was more than happy to revoke things but the police weren’t impressed...
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livednlearned
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« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2018, 08:15:26 AM »

These things can escalate.

The gesture to de-escalate (remove the work address) may simply mean she is happy to have an outlet for her feelings. When they swing the other way, she may continue to use the legal system to regulate her moods.

I would err on the side of caution and start doing things to timestamp your whereabouts. Keep receipts in a folder, take photos of yourself, do check-ins, whatever you can to show an alternative timeline to one she might create.

Just in case she makes a false allegation that you were breaking the RO.

Use this time to understand ways to communicate skillfully with her, especially if you think the RO will lapse and you'll resume some kind of relationship with her.

Can you see how your comment to her (putting your foot down) would be received by her?
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Navysndfirey

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« Reply #6 on: September 23, 2018, 05:19:20 PM »

I can completely see when I put it down and didn’t want to play her games again, and disconnected my life from hers. It would have been a complete shock to her. We have had Zero contact form start of July, but I have seen her a few times st the same gym sessions with no words being said as I can’t contact her due to this order, I do respect her for not initiating contact with me cause of the impending breach I would have. I’m just wondering if this is part of a smear campaign initiated by her and friend.
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2018, 12:39:43 AM »

I have seen her a few times st the same gym sessions with no words being said as I can’t contact her due to this order, I do respect her for not initiating contact with me cause of the impending breach I would have. I’m just wondering if this is part of a smear campaign initiated by her and friend.

That's good that you're respecting the order, and that she is not inducing you to break it by talking to you.  As for her and her friend, she probably is describing her emotions to her friend as facts and using her friend for support at your expense.  Respecting the order and giving her space is your best bet to keep any potential campaign from broadening.

Where do you want to go with this?  Do you want to restart the relationship with her?  Does the order have an expiration date?
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Navysndfirey

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« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2018, 04:59:16 PM »

The orders were an interim one untill I turned up at court to give my plea, this was back in August, where the police didn’t have the paperwork and were trying to bully me into g a guilty plea. My solicitor called them on this tactic and all of a sudden the paperwork appears. They then changed it to telecommunications harassment laws and dropped the domestic order, 
The next round was 2 weeks later where they dropped the telecommunication and went back to the domestic Order.
This was where the police We’re required to submit a  work roster so that a date could be set for the final hearing. The magistrate gave them 2 weeks to submit any other evidence along with me.
Back again 2 weeks later where I submitted just under 200 pages of documented evidence compare to the 7 they submitted.
Throughout this whole ordeal she is not required to turn up as it’s the police vs me on her behalf. The whole thing is very very strange I’ve had her work friends turn up at the court and hide behind a wall just to see if I was there to the turn and quickly disappear when I had seen her. I have that gut feeling it’s a complete smear campaign to get back at me being push on her by her narsastic friend. Who never liked me or her ex husband.
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2018, 01:07:08 AM »

Where do you want to go with this?  Do you want to restart the relationship with her?
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Navysndfirey

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« Reply #10 on: September 25, 2018, 03:11:59 AM »

I would love for this stonewalling to stop, and get back to talking if it slowly build back into a relationship that’s great. If it doesn’t at least I know that things won’t be completely fat air between us and we can still at least speak and work in the same field
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livednlearned
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« Reply #11 on: September 25, 2018, 07:04:46 AM »

I have that gut feeling it’s a complete smear campaign to get back at me being push on her by her narsastic friend. Who never liked me or her ex husband.

It sounds like she found a negative advocate, someone who was persuaded by your ex's feelings. Her friend may be narcissistic, but it's more than likely this RO gesture originated with your ex.

Otherwise you miss an important opportunity here.

You said ___________ and it made her feel _____________. She discussed those feelings with someone who found her version believable, and together they escalated the conflict.

There are specific communication and relationship skills that are not intuitive and must be learned. Without them, you may end up back in a relationship where she uses the legal system to communicate with you when she's upset.

That can get very expensive and even more destructive than what you've experienced.
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Navysndfirey

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« Reply #12 on: September 25, 2018, 06:44:54 PM »

Completely agree with the cost, but I’m oucky over here is Australia the judges look at previous applications and why they were issued, so if she issues another one on false pretences it won’t be look at with high favour.
But something has been said and they have picked it and ran with it.
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #13 on: September 26, 2018, 12:22:28 AM »

I would love for this stonewalling to stop, and get back to talking if it slowly build back into a relationship that’s great. If it doesn’t at least I know that things won’t be completely fat air between us and we can still at least speak and work in the same field

You are blocked at the moment by the restraining order.  Do you have a timeframe for when contact might be allowed?  If filing a restraining order is in her tool kit, one would have to assume that it could happen again if things go south again.
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Navysndfirey

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« Reply #14 on: September 26, 2018, 03:34:59 PM »

It was contested 3 weeks ago and have a final hearing date for November 21. Where if they decide to go ahead with it her and the friend will be required to turn up.
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #15 on: September 26, 2018, 05:55:00 PM »

It was contested 3 weeks ago and have a final hearing date for November 21. Where if they decide to go ahead with it her and the friend will be required to turn up.

OK, so you'll be staying out of trouble until then.

If the restraining order were dropped, how would you approach things after that?
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Navysndfirey

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« Reply #16 on: September 26, 2018, 07:08:48 PM »

They extreme lack of evidence that was submitted on her behalf. And the inconsistency of the statement doesn’t look good for her case. I’m a caring guy and my friends keep telling me to go for the jugular and destroy the bitch and her friends. I can see exactly where you have all show me that I’ve been blackend out and she has pulled the victim card on her work friends. That’s why I feel so much towards her being convinced and pushed into makeing the claim. Was it to get back st me for walking away? Or is it to gain control again and it went way out of control and she wasn’t expecting it to go this far?
So many question. But I’m just sitting back and waiting till either the police drop it or it goes to court.

I’m not angry with her, I’m just extremely disappointed
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #17 on: September 26, 2018, 07:17:45 PM »

You can be unsparing in attacking the order by attacking the evidence (or lack thereof) without personally attacking her.

Asking again, if the order were to disappear, what would your next steps be?
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Navysndfirey

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« Reply #18 on: September 26, 2018, 07:24:01 PM »

This is where I got a barrister and solicitor, I felt if I went in and didn’t ask any questions or attack the evidence the magistrate will hand down the order, if I went in and contested the evidence and questioned her I’d look like a ass. That’s why I got a legal team they can do the nitty gritty for me,

As for the next step I’m unsure on that, it would have to be seen and played out, if she’s all angry and violent good luck to her and her ventures. If she had that look of I didn’t want this to go this way, I’m sorry. I’d be open to some mediation.
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #19 on: September 26, 2018, 07:51:56 PM »

This is where I got a barrister and solicitor, I felt if I went in and didn’t ask any questions or attack the evidence the magistrate will hand down the order, if I went in and contested the evidence and questioned her I’d look like a ass. That’s why I got a legal team they can do the nitty gritty for me,
Wise choice, and lucky that you have the resources for that.

As for the next step I’m unsure on that, it would have to be seen and played out, if she’s all angry and violent good luck to her and her ventures. If she had that look of I didn’t want this to go this way, I’m sorry. I’d be open to some mediation.
Got it.  Looking back at your relationship with her, are there things you would have done differently knowing what you know now?  If so, what would you change?
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