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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Is true healing possible?  (Read 649 times)
Mary64

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« on: September 19, 2018, 08:23:29 PM »

Hey all,


I have been broken up with my exBPD partner for about 6 months now. I had been friends with her for many, many years before we started dating. She was that bright, shiny, charismatic woman of my dreams and she made a really good friend. By that I mean, she is considerate, kind, generous and empathetic with her friends. I had known her long term ex girlfriend and that they had had a volatile relationship. She had always portrayed her ex as the "crazy" one and because I'd never seen a hint of the BPD in her, I completely believed her. (I feel I missed something here. Why did I not question why she would stay in a relationship with a "crazy" person for years? Why would I start dating someone like that?) We reconnected by chance almost 2 y ago and started dating. Fast forward to love bombing and about 5m in, the rages, distorted thinking, push/pull, extreme moodiness.The gaslighting and chaos manufacture, berating me in restaurants, the perfectionism. Many times, followed by apologetic texts. I, of course, started trying to figure it all out. It must be me, how can I change, what does she need, all the unsolvable problems. She would not talk about anything. She would have a rage episode, disappear for a few days and then re-appear as if nothing happened. She really is textbook and I have read my story so many times on this website. The end came when I finally fought back, I stood up for myself instead of letting her intimidate me with her anger. This did not go over well and she broke up with me within a few days.

She made me her enemy very quickly and blocked me on everything when just a few weeks earlier, she threw me the best birthday party ever and I'd never felt so loved. We had been having a really great few months and I thought we were turning a corner. No. It was just the abuse cycle repeating itself. The lack of closure has been haunting me ever since. I have been doing everything I can to heal. Therapy, reading, websites like this, letting myself feel all the horrible feelings so I can move on.  I found out recently that she has a new GF that she started seeing about a month after we broke up. She happens to be a friend of a friend. This girl is very young and naive. The new GF hasn't bothered me as much as the feeling of injustice. She thinks she can abuse me and then just cut me off and move on to the next.

I have gone back and forth, did she really love me?, etc. that I think a lot of us go through. I do believe that she loved me. For myself as much as her, I am choosing to see the living hell that BPD is for the sufferer. But this lack of closure had been eating at me. It makes me furious that she left me devastated and all the other confusing, painful things the survivors go through afterward. I know I don't have to explain it here.

I wrote her a letter and decided I wanted to give it to her personally. She was so cavalier and sarcastic that I lost it. I pretty much yelled at her in front of her house for about 10m followed by a few more letters. Mailed, not hand delivered. She proceeded to tell people that I have been stalking her. A smear campaign just like the one for her last GF. The good news is that I have said everything I needed to say. Every last word. The bad news is I got back on the field and it has pulled me back down into sadness, anger, and the worst. Missing her again. Its astonishing to me that I can still be deeply in love and miss someone who treated me this way.

I have absolutely made progress in my healing. Up to this pt in my life, I had never been in an abusive romantic relationship. Ever. I'm 47. I grew up in an emotionally neglectful home. My mom is likely a waif BPD and my dad had mental health and substance abuse problems. My 20's and 30's were basically self destructive. Alcohol abuse, love addiction (though not abusive), depression. I have struggled with major depression my whole life but I have been on the right meds and stable for 10y. I have spent the last 10 years in therapy working through all of it. The last few years before I reconnected with my exBPD, I felt pretty good. I have a great job, great friends, I'm sober, I'm fitter than I have ever been. When my ex came in to my life, I thought, Yes! I am finally in a place where I am attracting the right partner. Noo.

The universe has knocked me on my a**. As painful as it has been, I know that this whole experience is a gift. It is what I have to go through to move to a healthier place. I have had to confront my co-dependency and why I would let someone abuse me like this. I'm still a long way off from being healed. Some days, I feel hopeless and think this pain will never end. Now that I've given myself the closure that I needed, I feel a new sense of loss. Now there is nothing to hold on to. I have to let her go. Really go. Even as I'm writing this, I'm not sure if I can. I'd really like to hear from someone who has really made it to the other side. Was there anything that made a special difference besides the therapy, journaling, supports groups, websites, etc. Is it just time? Thank you all so much for just being here. This community has kept me afloat at times when I just didn't think I could make it. I am so very grateful.
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« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2018, 09:57:24 PM »

I'd really like to hear from someone who has really made it to the other side

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

i want to be the first to welcome you to the family, and to tell you that yes, true healing is possible.

Is it just time?

no. time lessens the intensity of the pain, which certainly counts for something. but if you had a broken arm, time alone wont heal it either. you need a good "cast".

healing came in three pieces for me. the first is that time did lessen the intensity of the pain. getting back to routine and normalcy, and out of not functioning, began to get the pain out of my head, at least as frequently as it was. it wasnt as pressing or prominent. time can be used as a benchmark too. it would dawn on me that id come a ways over say the first few months. made some strides.

the second piece was to fully grieve the relationship. that "new sense of loss", and feeling that "now, there is nothing to hold onto", is the start of that i think, or at least it was for me. the first two or three months of my recovery werent grieving, they were just going nuts. when i let go of hope, and finally closed the door completely, i went into a deep, different sort of depression - grief. so in a lot of ways, this can feel like things are worse. i think of it as the start of real healing. you have to go through it to get through it.

the third piece was entirely about me. even after i detached from the relationship, i continued to make poor choices in terms of good mental health, the romantic partners i pursued, and that kind of forced the spotlight on me. it told me that my struggles were not entirely about my ex. that there were wounds that existed before and after her. i grieved and got over my relationship, but the real healing, for me, started long after. today, im a different person, who never would have found myself in that level of relationship dysfunction.

as for where things are with you right now, it seems like there are two important places you might want to focus.

1. the feelings of injustice. this was a nagging part of the grief for me. i was past the pain, but those feelings of injustice really burned for a while. they can make you feel powerless. they should be acknowledged, and worked through... .gotten out of your system, so to speak. find the way that works for you. for me, it was creative action. i wrote a lot. it became revealing and therapeutic, and it also made me feel powerful. rebuilding confidence can go a long way, and there are many ways to go about it. with that confidence, feelings of injustice tend to roll off your back.

2. youve made a connection to childhood that many members here make. addressing this will likely be key to your long term healing. id encourage you to open up and tackle those things on our Parent/Sibling/Inlaw board, when youre ready. it may make more sense to do when youre feeling stronger in recovery.

The universe has knocked me on my a**. As painful as it has been, I know that this whole experience is a gift. It is what I have to go through to move to a healthier place. I have had to confront my co-dependency

lastly, i think that this attitude will take you far. healing, to me, is about moving from victim, to survivor, to thriver (chart here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56295.msg12888740#msg12888740)

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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
MeandThee29
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2018, 06:33:10 AM »

Yes, it is. I'm over a year out from separation in a decades-old marriage, and I have many more good days than bad now. I still pray for a miracle, but I've come to a place of acceptance of my situation.

I think I'm coming out of this better than before in many ways. I'm much more balanced and less fearful.

I don't know if I'll ever "really" make it, but I'm definitely better.

One key for me was joining a 12-step group for codependents. I had a lot of counselling and therapy, but that's taking me to the next level of enjoying life as it is and taking life one moment at a time.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2018, 11:15:34 AM »

Excerpt
As painful as it has been, I know that this whole experience is a gift. It is what I have to go through to move to a healthier place. I have had to confront my co-dependency and why I would let someone abuse me like this. I'm still a long way off from being healed.

Hey Mary64, Yes, I'm here to confirm that healing is possible.  I've been through the BPD wringer and came out the other side, so you can do it, too.  I would say that you are on the right track by viewing this ordeal as a learning experience from which you will emerge stronger and healthier, with a better sense of self.  It forces one to confront one's codependency, which is positive thing, in my view.

There is no timetable for healing; everyone does it at his/her own pace.  I suggest being kind and compassionate towards yourself.  At some point, I predict you will be grateful to have moved on, though I'm sure it doesn't feel like that at the moment.  There is light in the forest, and it leads to greater happiness.

LuckyJim
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Lostinthedesert

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« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2018, 12:03:22 PM »

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your angst Mary64.  My situation is very, very similar to yours, although I met my ex online and the initial love bombing was so very powerful and manipulative that I was all in in a very short time frame.  I managed to hold on for nearly 3 years, but it was a long distance relationship, as something deep inside me told me there was something not okay, not quite right, and I didn't move in with her.  I am now nearly 4 months from the decision to walk away, as her push/pull, gaslightling, evasiveness, and self-destructive behavior was just more than I could take.  In this four months I have learned all more that I ever wanted to know about BPD, NPD, and codependency!  I had to start counseling, I lost too much weight, and I lost myself.  I was a confident and outgoing woman before this relationship, so it took me down and laid me open to all of my own childhood wounds and abandonment.  In some ways, she projected all of her pain and shame on me, and it was just too much to bear.  So my healing has required me to put the focus back on myself and heal my own wounds.  I am sure true healing is possible, but it is hard as hell!  There will still be those moments (and even days) where all you can do is cry, where your heart hurts so much you can't breathe... .and after one of those episodes, some little glimmer of understanding comes to you.  You realize that you had no power to save her or protect her or make her life better... .just like you weren't responsible to save or change your parents lives either.  Somehow, you get to the place where you can feel compassion for your own little girl and her wounds.  My goal is to get to that place where I let her go in my mind, my heart, and my body... .then hope that opens a space for me to love myself, and remembering that I deserve healthy love.  So, the good news is that there are a bunch of folks here going through the same painful journey, and complete strangers will show you compassion and support and you will be giving it back to them... .we get to practice healthy relationships right here!   I wish I could tell you it will be better in just a bit of time, but really the process is going to be so much more complex and rewarding.
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Mary64

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2018, 10:05:58 PM »

Once removed, thank you for your wise words. I know that healing from my childhood is the key for me and not giving up. Its nice to hear that someone else spent the first few months going nuts too. I didn't know up from down. I couldn't eat or sleep. I cried constantly and the emotional pain felt overwhelming. To me it felt like coming out of a cult. Trying to find what the truth and reality really were. I feel like I was brainwashed.

Since I've sent the letters and gotten some closure, I do feel like I've been getting worse in terms of despair and grief. I have been using a lot of dialectical behavioral therapy techniques recommended by my therapist, which have made a huge difference. Distress tolerance and radical acceptance have really been helping. I'm learning to accept that no matter what I said or did, things would likely not have turned out any other way. Only she can change herself. Radical acceptance is tough but I am nothing if not tenacious. I do not want to be here again.
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Mary64

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2018, 10:12:02 PM »

Meeandthee29,

Thank you for your supportive message. I haven't looked into the 12 step co-dependent groups. What do you think about that has made such a difference?

I have such admiration for anyone who has spent such a long time dealing with a partner with BPD and is healing.
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Mary64

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2018, 10:20:30 PM »

LuckyJim, hearing a message like yours gives me hope which I haven't had much of. I'm trying to be as gentle with myself as possible. That in and of itself is a big part of this for me. I don't treat myself like I would my friends in a similar situation where I would have compassion and understanding, not judgement. Cultivating real self compassion is going to take a lot of work. Thank you for reminding me that I'm on my own timeline. A lot of well meaning, good friends think I should just be over this already. Its been 6 months. They really do not understand that this breakup is like no other.
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Mary64

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2018, 11:57:45 PM »

Thank you Lostinthedesert.

I wish I had listened to my gut more. I had some moments at the beginning where i knew something was wrong. She drank a lot and smokes a lot of weed. I thought to myself, this person doesn't love themselves but the idealization felt too good and so I pushed it out of my mind. She's not an alcoholic because she never acts drunk. Smoking a ton of weed doesn't seem to affect her life at all. She still goes to work, etc. etc.

Somehow, you get to the place where you can feel compassion for your own little girl and her wounds.  My goal is to get to that place where I let her go in my mind, my heart, and my body... .then hope that opens a space for me to love myself, and remembering that I deserve healthy love.  

You said it all right there. Completely letting go and moving forward is my challenge right now. Creating a space to love myself unconditionally is the only way to healthy love. Its literally changing your brain and replacing the old, dysfunctional tapes I've been playing my whole life. Just me is not enough, I'll always be alone, and on and on. It is hard as hell.

It feels great to be supported and understood. We ARE practicing being in healthy relationships here. Fantastic! I need as much practice as I can get.
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Mary64

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #9 on: September 21, 2018, 12:06:02 AM »

t
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Wakemeup

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« Reply #10 on: September 21, 2018, 12:03:06 PM »

Hi Mary. Add me to the list of people who had a very similar experience to yours with my BPDex. I am just coming up on 4 months NC in the next few days, and while I am doing much better than I was when we first separated, this past week has been pretty rough. I am hoping it's just a temporary setback and I will get back to feeling like I'm making progress again soon. Like you I am looking forward to letting go and putting my relationship in the past. I'm so tired of having thoughts of her and our life together still taking up space in my mind.
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« Reply #11 on: September 21, 2018, 03:37:36 PM »

Its nice to hear that someone else spent the first few months going nuts too. I didn't know up from down. I couldn't eat or sleep. I cried constantly and the emotional pain felt overwhelming.

time will tend to lessen the intensity of that. you simply get tired of it, get distracted, life carries on. i had daily crying jags and hours long anxiety attacks myself. taking good care of yourself and your body is really important i think, and that experience taught me so. not eating or sleeping makes everything so much worse. do consider some health supplements, or seeing your doctor for a meds evaluation. it made a huge difference for me.

are you spending lots of time with friends and family?

I have been using a lot of dialectical behavioral therapy techniques recommended by my therapist, which have made a huge difference.

this is great! we also teach and practice DBT skills here. see the tools section at the top of the board. Wisemind was a lifesaver for me, and these tools and skills will be with you, make you more resilient, for the rest of your life. work the lessons... .having a good road map, and being self aware as you work the stages of grief, you wont necessarily see how helpful it can be at the time, but i assure you as you look back from month to month, you will.
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MeandThee29
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #12 on: September 21, 2018, 04:16:36 PM »

Meeandthee29,

Thank you for your supportive message. I haven't looked into the 12 step co-dependent groups. What do you think about that has made such a difference?

I have such admiration for anyone who has spent such a long time dealing with a partner with BPD and is healing.

Thanks. I was encouraged when a friend in the 12-step group in a similar situation told me that she was definitely better after a year, but that it really took about three years to close the gaps for her. She fled a BPD relationship with two kids and her belongings in a car and was homeless for a time.

I've been only going a month (just got my 30-day chip), and the biggest lesson of late for me is learning to really let go of things that by rights were really not mine. I'm learning to let adults be their own agents in life. Also admitting that my life is unmanageable. Hard!

A few examples where I've applied this:

One of my young adults recently had a minor accident. I was at work, and he took it in for the estimate and scheduling. At lunch I thought of calling him to see how it had gone, and then I checked myself. This is his car, and I don't need to be nagging him when he's very responsible with it. I decided that I'd wait for him to tell me, and sure enough, at dinner he did.

A week before, I was driving down the highway with my younger one and commented on a "SOLD" sign on a house near the road. I said that I didn't know why anyone would ever buy that house because of the location. My younger one got on my case, saying that whoever was getting it was probably really happy about it and that I shouldn't judge them just because I didn't like the location. At first I was incensed, but then I apologized, agreeing with her. Who cares who bought that house? Why did I feel the need to comment on that?

Good stuff!
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