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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Having a rough week  (Read 517 times)
Mustbeabetterway
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« on: September 19, 2018, 10:40:19 PM »

Hello friends,

I’m having a rough week.  After decades  of marriage, It’s confirmed that my estranged husband is seeing someone new.  Even though I knew it would happen, I had hoped we would be divorced.  The news has made the pain of being alone  even more excruciating. 

He has reached out to me many time,  in the months that we have been separated, saying all kinds of things, but a recurring theme was how lonely he was, how he hated being alone.  I knew he missed me and there were things I missed about him, too.  But, things had deteriorated to an intolerable level.  We had been separated several times before and there were difficult problems in our relationship.   Ultimately, the differences and problems that we had were not able to be resolved.  This is so sad for me even to write.


I decided that the healthiest, safest and most sane thing for me was to end the relationship with no getting back together. When I left our home in January, I was actually frightened and worried about my safety.  But, having had a pattern of break up and make up, there were times when the pull to see him, and be with him was very strong.  Severing our relationship  has been the toughest thing I have ever done. 

I just felt the need to talk about it and I know many of you are going through similar painful emotions. 

Even though I have been detaching and healing, this is just hard to accept.

Thanks for listening.  I pray for hope, for myself and for each of you.

Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2018, 11:26:58 PM »

This is a tough place to be,  kind of in a grey zone.

When my ex decided to go out on me it was very painful,  but in the back of my mind I felt relieved  (maybe 2% at the time), as I was so tired and beaten down and depressed. I also felt freed, though it was horrible at the time. 

How do you feel?
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« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2018, 12:06:02 AM »

I'm so sorry, Must be.

I know that it is so difficult, even though you chose to end the relationship. It was a tough choice to make and I am sure you felt that it was the only choice for your safety. It still doesn't mean that you don't grieve for what might have been or what you thought should have been.

Stay strong in the knowledge that you are still safe. You did what was best for you, because his choices were not in your best interests.

The emotions are tough. We are here for you. I have already been and will keep praying for you.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed
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« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2018, 12:33:57 AM »

Turkish, I feel a lot of different things. At first, I felt angry.  But, I'm not an angry person.  It takes a lot to make me angry and it never lasts long.   Mainly, I feel grief that we are finally over as a couple.  I think we both thought our marriage would outlast the bad times, and I know that we had love for each other. There's just no going back, and his moving on is just the nail in the coffin so to speak.  I can't say that I feel relief, (well maybe 2%
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« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2018, 12:35:39 AM »

Continued... .

Having trouble posting...
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« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2018, 12:41:22 AM »

I can't say that I feel relief, (well maybe 2%
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« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2018, 05:36:19 AM »

Continued...


But I have been in a kind of limbo - still having strong feelings for him, but not able to go back.   This is certain to motivate me to completely detach as far as marriage is concerned.  Thanks for responding, and yes it is horrible.  The woman he's seeing is younger than our daughter. 

Redeemed,  you have it right and I know you understand what a tough choice it was to stay gone.  It was in my best interest to leave and I have to keep reminding myself.  Thanks for your prayers, I can use them, and you know I pray for you, too.

Mustbe
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« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2018, 11:03:02 AM »

Hey Mustbe, I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling.  I admire your courage to sever an unhealthy r/s.  Though I can understand why it hurts to learn that your H is seeing someone new, the reality is that he still suffers from BPD and will carry that dynamic into any new r/s.  His new friend, I predict, will face all the same familiar patterns of behavior.  You, on the other hand, have stopped the bleeding and are moving forward in a new, healthier direction, which is why greater happiness awaits you.

LJ
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« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2018, 12:33:04 PM »

Hi Mustbe,

I'm so sorry. It is a hard to describe place that we find ourselves when our spouses make choices that confirm the things in their hearts. I had a time of deep sadness and grief myself, even while I knew that I was making healthy choices for myself. I was just thinking today about the different aspects of loss that I have experienced in my marriage. Sometimes, it's good to name them; that can be a way of validating our losses.
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« Reply #9 on: September 20, 2018, 05:04:59 PM »

I want to echo other's comments Mustbe... .when we have to know they are now with someone else and supposedly "so happy," it is another blow to our self-esteem.  I truly believe we are just witnessing the cycle start all over again and know they have not done any work to become self-aware or responsible for the pain they may have left us in.  I started to think of it more like pity for the new partner, as they have no idea just what course their life it about to take unless they see the red flags and move on more quickly.  That likely won't happen as our ex's show their best at first.  Please know this is not about you, but about your ex trying to make his pain go away in the arms of someone new.  It really won't work.  Be proud of the self-healing choices you have made and try to shift your focus to what you want to bring to a new relationship eventually.
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« Reply #10 on: September 21, 2018, 01:06:26 PM »

Hi Lucky Jim,

I know rationally that the up and down cycles will not stop.  I am indeed moving in a healthy direction for myself and I sure hope you are right about the greater happiness. 

empath, yes, thank you.  There are many losses to grieve.  The loss of companionship (which was often - not always there), the loss of marital status after so many years.  My husband has taken to calling me by my maiden name.  I think he wants me to change my name, but I have been married most of my life.  The loss of our family home which we worked so hard to get.  The loss of my familiar neighborhood.  A lot of losses... .

Lostinthe desertyou’re right he isn’t aware of how what he says and does effects others, especially his family.  I spoke with his brother who I basically grew up with, like my little brother and he said well he’s happy now at least.  Yikes!  That was hurtful. 

I don’t think this is about me.  He had affairs during our marriage and I did think they were about me, but I have come very far from that debacle.  I know it is about him being unhappy about himself.

I have months to grieve my losses and am healing, I can feel it.  After a few days of dwelling on this news, I already am feeling better and more able to let go.

I cannot let go and hold on at the same time.  If I stay tethered to all the hurts of my marriage, I cannot move forward into a better place emotionally.  So I’m working on letting go with love.  I truly hope that he will be happy because that is actually better for everyone.  But, from now on, his happiness will be up to him.  Mine will be up to me. 

I truly appreciate and value all the support.   

Mustbe
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« Reply #11 on: September 21, 2018, 01:42:13 PM »

Excerpt
I know rationally that the up and down cycles will not stop.  I am indeed moving in a healthy direction for myself and I sure hope you are right about the greater happiness.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Hello again, Mustbe, You're finding your path, in my view, so keep up the good work!  LJ
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« Reply #12 on: September 21, 2018, 03:28:06 PM »

its never easy to see a partner see someone new. impossibly hard with decades of memories and dreams, the struggles you worked to overcome, and all of the grief.

hang in there Mustbe. we are here to walk with you every step of the way 
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« Reply #13 on: September 22, 2018, 10:32:04 AM »

Hi Mustbe,

So sorry to hear that you've had this news.  That's really hard.  Like you, I left the r/s and did so for safety reasons.  I posted somewhere else that despite being hurt and scared, those feelings of love do not get overwritten by these other emotions and it can be extremely tough to work through this.  I'm glad that you posted and even more glad to hear that it has helped.  

Excerpt
When I left our home in January, I was actually frightened and worried about my safety.  But, having had a pattern of break up and make up, there were times when the pull to see him, and be with him was very strong.  Severing our relationship  has been the toughest thing I have ever done.  

I hear you.  It takes great strength to do what you have and I applaud you.  Simultaneously I wish it didn't hurt so damn much for us when we make these healthy choices.  What has been the single most thing that has kept you going when you've fought that pull to be with him?

You seem to have arrived at the fact that his being with someone new is not about you, nor is it a reflection upon who you are or the importance you have had to him.  It was that realisation for myself (after I saw my ex with a new woman) that gave me the push to let go of the hope I'd been clinging onto.  I get the impression that you have also felt a shift inside yourself after receiving this news.
 Your intention to let go with love is admirable.  Be sure to direct a whole lot of that love towards yourself at the same time.  As others have said, we're here for you as you work through this.  

Love and light x    

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« Reply #14 on: September 22, 2018, 01:01:29 PM »

Hi  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)Harley Quinn

What is the single most thing that kept me going when I fought the pull to be with him?  That’s a good question.

The single most thing was that continuing in the relationship was making me into someone I don’t want to be.  We would argue, he would call me names or tell me I was a loser  and I would become so frustrated that I would say ugly things to him like “I hate you.”  That isn’t me.  I want my life to be a reflection of love not hate.  It went against my core values to behave that way.  I found myself several times locked in my car in the driveway during the night while he banged on the windows yelling at me.  That isn’t the person I want to be.  I slept in hotels to avoid being pushed and traumatized.  I went to our daughters house in tears several times because I was at the end of my rope.  I just decided this is not the person Inwant to be or am meant to be.  I finally held my boundary line by staying gone.

Over these past 8 months, when I would begin to reminisce about the closeness we once shared, or he would reach out  to me and ask me to come home, to forgive him, I remembered sitting locked in the car in the driveway or in a hotel room or at my daughter’s door once again and I would say to myself, no you don’t want that anymore.

I can still feel love and compassion for him, but I have to keep my distance to honor my core self, the person I am supposed to be.

I hope sharing this will help and encourage someone who reads it and is dealing with similar issues.

Yes, knowing he is with someone new has hurt my heart and my pride, but also allowed me to let go more and I feel I have turned a little corner.

Thank you again for all the   and support and help.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe
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« Reply #15 on: September 26, 2018, 04:13:57 PM »

HQ I hope my answer to your question is clear.  I’m still having to hold on to that truth.  

I’m thinking of a new post about holding on to your truth because it has been very difficult for me.  I am a validation seeker, I like to get a consensus, plus it’s somewhat difficult for me to be my on approval system.  I have been working on it with my therapist, I think it would be a good discussion.

My husband had blocked our daughter and my phone numbers  after she was less than thrilled that he is dating a young woman with a small child when he hasn’t been very involved in our granddaughter’s life (understatement) however, seemed excited about doing things with this child.  It’s very disappointing to me that he cannot seem to connect with his own daughter.  He has never been overly doting, but he was  involved when she was a child.  She has never given us any trouble and has tried hard to please us (especially him - Walking on Eggshells with him) and he just continually finds fault with her.   She’s a very successful professional, is married and never asks us for any financial assistance, etc.

Well, he contacted me, the reason I knew he had blocked us was he had to ask someone else for my phone number.  When we talked, he said he would have done “anything to save our marriage” that I had “offered no path” to reconcile.  Time and again, I have asked him to go to Marriage Counseling or to therapy for himself.  He won’t even acknowledge that this was offered as a “path to reconciliation “.  So, predictably, this caused me to second guess my choice to divorce.  I had a couple of sleepless nights replaying what led up to my leaving.  

This morning he texted, I hope you have a good week.  He often texts nice things and usually, I respond in kind, of the text is congenial.  Then he texted, “I wish we could ever have a conversation.”  So, I took the bait and said, “How about Saturday morning for breakfast.”  He replied, “No, that’s too early.”  I didn’t like that, but I then offered, how about Sunday evening?  He replied, “I don’t know yet.”  

This doesn’t sound like a person who would have done “anything” to save the relationship.  Does it?

I’m seeing an attorney this evening.  I’m exhausted from replaying this round and round.  I have given it time and now feel a need to take some action toward a life with less conflict.

Wish me luck!

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe



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« Reply #16 on: September 26, 2018, 05:17:22 PM »

Excerpt
I can still feel love and compassion for him, but I have to keep my distance to honor my core self, the person I am supposed to be.

Hello again, Mustbe, I really like how you put that, above.  In the course of my marriage to my BPDxW, I found myself behaving in ways that were unlike me, foreign to my authentic self.  It's interesting to me that those behaviors stopped as soon as my Ex and I separated.  In the course of my post-BPD relationships over the last eight years, I've never said a harsh word or raised my voice to a woman.  Why would I?  That's not my style, not who I am.  Yet in the face of abuse during my marriage, I sometimes lashed out in response.  No more.  I'm a lot stronger than I was and have no tolerance for being the object of anyone's abuse ever again.

LuckyJim
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« Reply #17 on: September 26, 2018, 06:48:14 PM »

Mustbe,

My h says that I haven't offered a path to reconciliation, too - and he has told others that I haven't. I agreed to marriage counseling, healing prayer, offered specific ways that he could improve our relationship (both verbally and in writing), etc. I think it's more of the victimy mindset that he has and a lack of ownership of his part of the relationship.

Something that helps me is knowing that my h has a "stable instability"; in other words, it won't last, whatever "it" is.
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« Reply #18 on: September 26, 2018, 10:13:58 PM »

Hi Mustbe,

I just want to pass along my sympathies to you.  I can relate as I'm in a similar boat (although now divorced). In a relationship with exBPDh for 27 years, married for 21, blindsided by his psychotic break/discard last November and really still grieving our long, long, shared history and life together.  I miss the companionship of marriage, sharing family dreams, being a wife, being a couple but if I'm truly being honest I don't miss the drama and never-ending agitation that was ever present in our marriage (even if in a relatively low-grade way because prior to the break up he was very high functioning).  I have truly found that I'm a naturally calm, ordered, kind and caring person without him and like you, I felt that he really was beginning to bring out the very worst in me slowly over time - drip-by-drip. 

Even so is it so hard, after so much time as a couple to try to reconstruct a new life, figure out who I am, work out what I want for my future.  Somedays are just so exhausting.

My ex posted that he "fell in love" with someone in June and I believe that she is in her twenties (a good two decades younger than him).  A bubbly, pretty child who hasn't the vaguest clue what a viper's nest she has entered.  He is euphoric and it annoys the ever loving crap out of me!  And it hurt to hear and find out about this relationship even as I knew logically that he is truly incapable of an emotionally healthy adult relationship with anyone.

One thing that has helped me move on considerably (and maybe it's a little nutty!) but when I read that those with BPD have the emotional development of a young child - it really turned off a switch in me for him.  It just grossed me out to think of myself trying to relate to him in any type of intimate, adult way anymore.

My healing is coming along slowly, in fits and starts, there are also good weeks and bad - I think it the nature of the BPD recovery beast.

I wish you peace  and healing 

Hang in there.

Warmly,
B
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« Reply #19 on: September 27, 2018, 05:50:13 AM »

How did it go with the attorney Mustbe?  

It takes courage to take this step, as you probably have a good idea what the journey will be like emotionally and that there is likelihood for further conflict before the calm.  We're right behind you and I'm so pleased that you're doing good work with your T.  Having your support network in place and holding onto that truth is so important for you in order to keep your strength up going forward.  

A life with less conflict and in keeping with your core values is something you are absolutely deserving of.  Your nights locked in the car, escaping to hotels or to your daughter's home brought back many memories for me which remind me of how low and far from my true self I also felt at the time.  It sounds like you're very much in touch with who you are and how you wish to live.  A huge well done for honouring yourself and putting that front and centre!   

Excerpt
I can still feel love and compassion for him, but I have to keep my distance to honor my core self, the person I am supposed to be.

I hope sharing this will help and encourage someone who reads it and is dealing with similar issues.

Given the way that you express your resolve to be true to yourself whilst maintaining love and compassion for your h, I'm certain that your posts will do exactly that.  

Let us know how you're doing today.  I'm sure that going to see the attorney must have felt big in more ways than one.  

Love and light x    

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« Reply #20 on: September 30, 2018, 12:38:44 PM »

Harley, it went well with the attorney.  She suggested that we meet in the evening at her office, as we live in a congested city and that would give time for traffic to die down from rush hour.  She spent a lot of time with me initially and I felt very comfortable with her.  She advised me against meeting with my husband.  She thinks I am not in a strong enough emotional state to withstand his charm, if he decides to turn it on.  She understands personality disorders.  She feels certain that everything will be resolved in mediation.

empath I think the pathways to reconciliation were not the ones my husband could bring himself to participate in, so it’s as if I never suggested anything. 

baglady thanks for your reply.  I’m sorry for the hurt you have suffered.  I definitely understand.  It’s difficult actually going through the grief, but so necessary to healing.

LJ I think you have a gift for encouraging others.  Thanks for your reply. 

I think I have turned a corner.  Time really does help, but so does taking deliberate steps to heal.  Sometimes it would be easier to take the path of least resistance, stay stuck and just give up.  But, I believe there is more to life waiting for me.  While I have the opportunity, I want to enjoy my life.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #21 on: October 01, 2018, 09:06:39 AM »

She understands personality disorders.


Wonderful news Mustbe!  That surely must help her when it comes to handling any predictably unpredictable behaviour during the process.  It's great to hear that you felt comfortable and I hope you also felt confident in her ability.

Excerpt
Time really does help, but so does taking deliberate steps to heal.  Sometimes it would be easier to take the path of least resistance, stay stuck and just give up.  But, I believe there is more to life waiting for me.  While I have the opportunity, I want to enjoy my life.

No truer words spoken.  Not only did that give my healing some momentum that I could identify, but also allowed me to feel a sense of regaining control over my life and what happened to me.  What do you sense has been most helpful for you so far in this respect? 
 
How great it is to read such an uplifting post Mustbe.  It's always inspiring to hear of others' aspirations and dreams.  Do you have anything solid in mind regards enjoying your life going forward, or are you looking forward to letting that unfold?

Love and light x   

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« Reply #22 on: October 01, 2018, 10:18:50 AM »

I am new here so may not be able to offer much actual advice.  But wanted to send hugs.  Detaching from a long-term relationship is difficult, as is learning to be alone when you have been someone's other half for so long.  I think it's just necessary to keep putting one foot in front of the other and reminding yourself how far you have come.
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« Reply #23 on: October 01, 2018, 10:06:47 PM »

HQ,  thanks for the thoughtful questions.  I think naming what I wanted in my life and what I did not was key.  Deliberately defining what I wanted my life to be helped me move toward it and away from what I no longer would accept in my life.

That is a short paragraph, but has actually been a marathon (which I am still running) to get to a point where my spirit feels like it will heal.  

When the separation was new, and I was still reeling from the trauma I experienced, I chose to be among a few trusted friends and family members.  In the past month, I have been venturing out a little more and find myself feeling more open and lighter hearted.  

My therapist and I have been discussing the idea of legacy.  I especially like something I read that legacy is the residue of a life well lived.  So I hope to live my life well enough to be a blessing to my family and friends now and when I am gone (which hopefully will not be for a long time
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« Reply #24 on: October 04, 2018, 05:12:35 PM »

NotsurewhoIam . Thank you.  Hugs are always welcome.  You’re right, it is incredibly difficult detaching from a long term relationship.

Mustbe
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« Reply #25 on: October 04, 2018, 06:56:28 PM »

  I’m working through the hurt.  And I am not even certain how to do it except to just hang on until it passes.  I had to read this article again last night.  


No Contact: The Right Way & The Wrong Way


“What if it is just too overwhelming

Expect that this will be too overwhelming. Leaving some one that you love, hurts. Minimizing the damage, in the long run, is what this is all about - the price for that is hurt today.

Hurt is part of your healing - it's your greatest challenge and you must be committed to work through it - which is where we began this discussion (paragraph 6).”


Sometimes I get lost in my own world and lose sight of the fact that everyone leaving a long term relationship seriously hurts.  Especially when you wouldn’t have chosen to leave if there was any other way.

The painful feelings still are there, but are passing more quickly these days.

It’s not an easy journey, but most worthwhile endeavors require effort.

That’s how it stands with me today.  

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe
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Harley Quinn
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I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #26 on: October 04, 2018, 07:26:31 PM »

--crossed--

Excerpt
I especially like something I read that legacy is the residue of a life well lived.  So I hope to live my life well enough to be a blessing to my family and friends now and when I am gone

That's a beautiful aim to have and with that intention I think you can only achieve it Mustbe.  

Excerpt
Deliberately defining what I wanted my life to be helped me move toward it and away from what I no longer would accept in my life.

It sounds like you have defined your boundaries around what you won't allow into your life.  How is it going?  Are you managing to maintain them?  For myself, it remains a work in progress.  Just be sure to be compassionate with yourself if you find it easier sometimes than others.  Making such changes after a long term relationship whilst going through all the emotions is tough.  

Love and light x  

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Harley Quinn
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I am exactly where I need to be, right now.


« Reply #27 on: October 04, 2018, 07:38:12 PM »

Excerpt
Especially when you wouldn’t have chosen to leave if there was any other way.

I hear you.  The pain of wanting so badly for things to be different so that I'd not have to leave and we could be all I hoped we could be... .it does ease though, as you know.  I really feel for you.  It is so hard going through this.    

Sadly, we can't save them.  We can only save ourselves.  You know that you gave it your best and now you are doing what is necessary to protect yourself and the life you desire.  That's not only important, but healthy.  If you begin to feel any guilt or doubts, try to focus on the ways in which you can be grateful for the differences you already experience from how things were before you left.  This helped me to maintain balance and continue to push ahead.  Tonight, I am particularly grateful for peace and calm.  

Love and light x
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mama-wolf
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« Reply #28 on: October 05, 2018, 07:15:43 PM »

Hi Mustbe,

I haven't spent much time on the boards beyond my own posts and am just now catching up on a few threads.

it went well with the attorney. 

She understands personality disorders.  She feels certain that everything will be resolved in mediation.

I'm really glad for you that you found a L that you are comfortable with who understands personality disorders.  It was such a relief to find my own L when I started seeking advice for approaching divorce.  It's very comforting to work with someone who has clearly dealt with this sort of thing before.

I was glad for the option to go to mediation.  It wasn't cheap, but I figure it cost a lot less than it could have by going to court.  I hope you are able to get through it all without taking ten hours like we did!  It was exhausting but don't hesitate to ask your L to order in some food

I think the pathways to reconciliation were not the ones my husband could bring himself to participate in, so it’s as if I never suggested anything. 

This is very familiar.  If it's an option they don't like or prefer, then it's as if the option was never offered/does not exist.  This theme has popped up frequently since our separation so it's no surprise you experienced something similar.

I think I have turned a corner.  Time really does help, but so does taking deliberate steps to heal. 

I'm happy for you!  Finding the path is really hard... .I'm still working on it myself.

mw
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« Reply #29 on: October 05, 2018, 09:37:04 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post) MW!  Thanks for the support.  The L thinks everything will be settled in mediation.  You’re right it is expensive.  I will keep in mind about the ordering food in!   

This path of change and evolution is definitely not for the faint of heart. I can see why people get stuck and accept the status quo.  You are working hard and I can tell you will get to the place you are meant to be.  I’m so proud of your progress!

This community has truly helped me move along.  So many kind and supportive members.

Have a great weekend,

Mustbe


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