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Author Topic: My wife (udx/BPD step mom) says she doesn’t know if she loves my autiistic son or not?  (Read 2413 times)
Red5
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« on: September 23, 2018, 10:19:47 PM »

She has said this before, over two years ago now, long story... .

BLUF is that she is very angry right now, big dysregulation, extinction burst, says she’s “done, don’t care, not going to be nice to S32(autistic) anymore”, .ie’ assist in his daily care,

And of course as per BPD playbook, it’s all my fault what happened... .

I wasn’t even in the house!

So, .what does it mean?; that I’d rather her just leave... .and not even have any inkling of an idea that this marraige should be saved?

No tears, no fear, no attempt (by me) for negotiation, I too feel like I’m done, been here many times before over the past half dozen years... .

But I am the default caretaker for my S32(autistic), he is my world, .

If she means what she says, then she needs to go, .period.

Feeling really beat up right now, it’s been a very long two weeks... .worthy of a whole nother thread as we just got through with hurricane Florence, .

Yeah, I feel nothing for her right now, just wish she’d go,

... .truely feel I’d be better of without her in my life, ugh ; (

She really went off tonight... .I stayed completely calm, and just let her run off the end of her chain,

Would you believe this was all over his shower time (again)... .yeah, apparently he stayed too long in his shower last night when this all started... .five minutes too long, and she lost it... .

This is a “gd” broken record with her... .

I really don’t need this $hit anymore ; (

Thanks for listening,

Red5
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« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2018, 11:29:57 PM »

My son is ASD1, but it sounds like your son requires support,  maybe significant. 

If she's unable and unwilling to support you and him as a family unit,  what do you think you'll do now? Is your son ok? It sounds like she was alone with him and he took a little longer shower and this set her off?
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« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2018, 06:10:43 AM »

Red- as hurtful as this is, do you think it is one of those things said in the moment when she is dysregulated?

Later on she may not even recall saying it.

Right now the situation where you are is stressed- the hurricane has caused major issues for your area. I think this would put everyone out of sorts, including your son. He can't help it, but people with autism need routines and order, and I would think a hurricane would impact his moods as well. Your wife may be willing to help in more calm situations but it could be that two people who are not as capable of regulating their emotions may have aggravated each other.

I think all of you must be going through a lot right now.
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« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2018, 09:17:53 AM »

I agree with Notwendy that you've all been under an exceptional amount of stress. However it seems like the length of his shower time has been high on her list of pet peeves before.

Trying to balance his needs with her meltdowns--you've been caught in the middle way too many times, Red5.

IDK if this is a factor in her dysregulations, but it seems that pwBPD want to be the primary focus of their marital partner and are jealous of anything or anyone else who is important to their partners. Ugh... .
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« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2018, 10:25:16 AM »

Yes Turkish... .it was about shower time, I usually give him fifteen minutes... .if I did not limit his time, he would stay in the rain locker until the hot water ran out (autism),

As Wendy says, autism = ‘structure’ for best environment... .

I even got him one of those kitchen timers, and I set it for ten minutes so that when it goes off he knows it’s time to rinse up and finish up, .udx wife will “hawk” him and if he is just one second beyond his time she starts her $hit, this happens every single night unless I stand in her way, .he usually does just fine, on his own, a couple minutes either way is no big deal to me but to her it’s the freakin end of the world,

Same with him getting up and doing his bathroom time in the mornings, and getting dressed so forth and so on; I have him use his timer so he has an idea about how long his morning routine should take, .again she interferes... .and is rude, mean and snarky to him... .this is a constant with her,

She is quite the “authoritarian”... .ugh ; (

This goes on and on and on... .I do not understand why she has to be so as awnry this way,

And when she pushes him too far, he will get mad at her, who wouldn’t... .and of course this is perceived as him being dissresctful to her and she does seem to relish the punishment aspect, that’s where I draw the line and that’s where the fight comes, he’s my Son and at the point that she goes after him, BPD or not, she then has to deal with me, her actions then have consequences... .as after so many years my patience is gone, and “tools”’ be damed at that point,

I can take her $hit, but my Som should not have too,

Yes, she has the ability to anger my Son, the gentle giant that he is, he is a sweet and gentle soul, childlike... .but she can piss him off, and how does an autistic that operates at about a six year old act out?

He will say “leave me alone”... .or give her his mean face, or sometimes even ball up his fists and shake them at her... .yeah, wow!

Of course that sets her off, she does not understand patience with him... .or any form of empathy, .just her way or else ; (

I now harbor contempt for her... .in regards to her never ending intent to hold my Son to her idea of how things should be around here,

Yes it’s been a long two weeks, I think I did my best to keep the peace,  but when your out of “empathy” then your OUT!

She pushed me way too far during our storm ordeal... .and after a while the Non will become quite the grump!

Seems I had to fight her off as well the storm, all the while taking care of my Son, the house... .’the generator’ so forth and so on:... .so Cat is correct about the BPD attention angle.

She put me to bed yelling at me last night , and started right back in on me this morning as I was getting ready for work at a quarter to six!

Arg!

I need to recharge, I need a break from her... .

... .’I remember I wrote a thread last year about “my wife the step mom”... .this has been going on for a long time now,

But listen now, I think when BPD is stressed out, then the inabitions are dropped, the same as when one has a couple of belts of rum and coke... .so when she says “I really hate him”. -  or “I really can’t say that I love him”... .’well the pw/BPD’ actually means what they say... .

I don’t have it in me to be mean to anyone, never really have, even when they are in my grill, or in my lane... .but her!; she has that ability, at the drop of a hat ; (

What to do here... .right it’s LC-ST, and a wide berth... .with a side order of ignore... .I’ll write more when I can, still no cable or internet here, this is all off the iPhone... .

Red5
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« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2018, 11:03:29 AM »

I can take her $hit, but my Son should not have too,

I fully agree with you in principle Red, but having grown up with a BPD mother, in my case, this principle did not hold true. As a child, I should not have had to take my mother's behaviors but there was no way my father could have intervened unless he was with us all the time and he had to go to work.

As far as basic safety, there were no fears. She would not have beaten us or left us in harm way, but we did upset her when we asserted our own individuality or stood up for ourselves, like your son did. As kids we were not perfect- probably lost track of time in the shower, forgot to pick up our toys- these are not unforgivable transgressions but not things my mother handled well.

With your wife and son, even though they don't have the same disorder, they have similar weaknesses- difficulty regulating emotions, a need for control of their environment, and a predisposition for meltdowns.

As a mother myself- I knew my mother had these weaknesses and so I did not leave her alone with my kids or place a lot of responsibility for them on her when she was around them. Many of my friends would have their kids stay overnight with grandparents or have grandparents babysit. If my mother was not able to handle those tasks with her own children, I didn't expect her to handle them with mine. A visit went well if it was just a fun visit and I took care of details- like meals, routine, etc.

I know your son is doing the best he can with autism, but it takes a mature and consistent person to manage a person with autism, and I don't know if someone with BPD is up to the task for long periods of time. Your wife may be able to manage him with some things, but not others.
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« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2018, 11:52:31 AM »

Excerpt
it takes a mature and consistent person to manage a person with autism, and I don't know if someone with BPD is up to the task for long periods of time. Your wife may be able to manage him with some things, but not others.

Very true Wendy !

He goes to a day vocational program everyday here in town called the “Station Club”; it is a true blessing this facility, it gives many special needs persons something to do and a place to go during the weekdays.

But Florence put a short term kabosh on that... .so since udx wife resigned her own career about a year ago now, she also put the kabosh on S32’s afternoon mentor that he had had since 2010; she said that it was it was no longer a necessity to keep the mentor on to cover the few hours in the afternoons after he gets out of the voational activity... .

There is a thread about this event too that I wrote last year... .the mentor was preceived as slighting udx wife over a weekend event that S32 has been participating in for years now, so udx wife sacked her... .

It was what is called a “false flag event”  via and “inside job”... .

->problem-action-solution->

She even made his mentor cry... .ugh ; (

Ugly stuff... .

So anyways, here we are, responsibility taken on, and now the sabotage... .

As it was, she spent zero time alone with him, then a couple of hours in the afternoon, to now, maybe all day until things get back to a normal schedule... .

Right now I am still home awaiting orders to go back to work, as the storm knocked out most of the power on the air station,

You are correct about moms and grandmas... .I have a very similar situation with my own foo mum, .another long story ‘

But I home today, maybe for a few more daze, then he may be with her all day at least until the early afternoon... .I can modify my work hours to going in very early but leaving just after the noon hour thus limiting their time alone together... .

I don’t think I’ll have to travel only maybe a few days prior to Christmas... .wow, Christmas... .’another huge trigger’, and Thanksgiving as well... .ugh >;{

Thanks for listening , Red5
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« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2018, 12:10:55 PM »

*My son is ASD1, but it sounds like your son requires support,  maybe significant. 

*If she's unable and unwilling to support you and him as a family unit,  what do you think you'll do now?

*Is your son ok?
My Son is developmentally about a five - seven year old... .in a thirty two year olds body, certainly not a good idea to leave him alone for any length of time... .he requires full time care and supervision,

She told me last night that “she would not let him run naked in the street”,  but he would have to take care of himself while I’m at work!

He is alright today... .I am off work due to electrical grid issues on the air station where I work... .

She has acted this way before, .but I did tell her that if this is what she wishes (acting out) then we will have to make “arrangements”, this is a veiled threat of divorce made by me.

Considering the fact that she indeed dismantled the support system I had in place for my Son, claiming to me that she would now fullfill this role, which she is now reneging on,

I have had quite enough of her bravo sierra, I require order, trust, and loyalty in my life as it pertains to the care of my Son, if she is not willing to participate... .then she needs to abide elsewhere... .

... .cut and dried,

I am sick and tired of her doing this, .disrupting the order and security in this home... .I’ll have to put a stop to this, no question... .this kind of behavior I can no longer tolerate, things have gone that far now.

She has worn out her welcome, and if she wants to act this way, then my daze as her “caretaker” may be at and end,

Wow.

Did I just type that ?

Red5

 
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« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2018, 08:33:17 PM »

I want know what y’all would call this behavior;

She did this both last night and this morning,

During the dysregulation slash fight, she said something to the effect that it had been her that had curbed the boys eating habbits (bad), ie salt shaker use, sugar use, and a few other items, .which she took/takes to the extreme... .ie’ when we are out to eat... .taking the salt and pepper away from his reach... .nagging him about how much and how fast he may be eating his meals... .

So last night and again this morning she comes out with; “fine then, I’ll just let him do what ever he wants to, he is on his own”... .

She then proceed to take out all the salt shakers, and salt containers, sugar containers... .cookies, chips, etc and puts it all out on the counter, as if to let him eat and gorge on whatever... .while I am at work ; (

I told her she was being a child and to stop this at once, she stormed off to bed... .then came into the office where I was trying to sleep and started in on me again... .

And then the entire episode was repeated again this morning, even after I had put away all the “stuff”’ she had trotted out the night before... .she repeated the entire act again... .and I once again put everything away.

I left him out a banana his vitamins and a gator aid... .and asked her to make a pot of coffee for both of them after I’d left for work  ... .she refused and that’s when she came out with the naked in the street line... .

What the heck is this, why would she act out in such a manner?

As the power is still out on the base I did return home about four hours later and he was still in bed, and she had left to go to town as I passed her on the street... .

Does anyone have a opinion on what the salt pepper and sugar thing was all about ?

I told her that it was wrong to act out like this, and completely unacceptable... .she is a fifty year old grown adult woman !

Red5  

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« Reply #9 on: September 24, 2018, 08:53:27 PM »

And another item... .

Back when her D33 and H were visiting us last month... .during which the great back yard rampage happened, on the Friday night of that week, udx wife had some kind of tremor fever event... .we think due to over exersion, as she is undergoing immunotherapy... .

It happened two times during the D33’s visit, but not again since or else before... .well outside of the hospital anyway... .

So there she was in her easy chair... .’shaking and shivering’ pretty much incoherent... .pretty scary stuff, .and then in the middle of it she looks up at me and says clear as day... .“please promise me that you won’t hire Mrs. G back as J’s (S32autistic) mentor”... .

I was like what the heck?

That was about five-six weeks ago now, and today she says she wants nothing to do with him... .says she doesn’t even know if she loves him?

Is she losing it?

Thoughts... .

Red5
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« Reply #10 on: September 24, 2018, 09:42:27 PM »

In what you’ve shared about her, it seems that she barely tolerates your son and perhaps this is finally a bit of truth that she’s willing to disclose.

I think the bit about not rehiring the woman who was his mentor, may have been due to her feeling threatened by an outside influence. She might have imagined being judged by this woman for not helping to take care of your son since she obviously was at home, without a job, so why didn’t she help?

I think pwBPD are constantly monitoring other people looking for value judgments about their unworthiness.
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« Reply #11 on: September 25, 2018, 07:13:44 AM »

Excerpt
I think pwBPD are constantly monitoring other people looking for value judgments about their unworthiness.

... .this is BPD paranoia (?).

Red5
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« Reply #12 on: September 25, 2018, 01:17:45 PM »

In what you’ve shared about her, it seems that she barely tolerates your son and perhaps this is finally a bit of truth that she’s willing to disclose.


Red5,

I think you should, with our help, develop a SET statement and a couple variations that support your wife, with the Truth part being that You are all your son has and that you will care for him.

Leave unsaid, you will respect her right to care... or not.

Hang in there man... .natural disasters suck.  BPD showed up shortly after one for me.  I hate it for you.  Please be extra kind to YOU... .!

FF
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« Reply #13 on: September 25, 2018, 01:32:05 PM »

So S32’s day vocation program is shut down due to storm, udx wife is at home all day, I was able to go back to work today, went in yesterday to do damage assessment.

So it’s 14:20 local, just got back home and what do I find?

She is true to her word... .S32 is STILL in his bed where I left him this morning at 07:00, udx wife is sitting onher @ss watching a movie, he has not eaten, washed up, or dressed, and it’s friggin 14:00 ; (

She said she would have nothing further to do with him... .and she hasn’t... .I am pissed!... .  no furious !

What the heck

I questioned her, she repeated herself, “I ain’t doing nothing for him, with him, not my responsibility”... .

I told her that’s BS,

Here I sit... .

I want her gone !

That’s how I feel right now,

Red5
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« Reply #14 on: September 25, 2018, 02:33:31 PM »


I told her that’s BS,

Here I sit ... .

I want her gone !

That’s how I feel right now,

Red5

Red5,

I agree with you, yet I have to point out that engaging with her on this doesn't help.  She is tossing out bait... .you are biting.

Separate issue about caring for your son.  Crap... that sucks. 

Can you get him up and dressed and then let him watch movies all day? 

Who on base can you call, where you might be able to drop him off while you work? 

I realize none of this is best... .for short run... physical safety an accountability is needed.  Any thoughts on handling this apart from BPD?

FF
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« Reply #15 on: September 25, 2018, 04:38:08 PM »

Thx FF,

Another twist; tomorrow we were scheduled to go up to D-uke for another big appt., she is to get more scans and tests and see her oncologisT, .

Well, it certainly won’t be the first time I did not go with her, I recall the “vinegar in the pickles” ’incident’ , and the last time “there’s no we”... .incident... .certainly NOT the first she went up there solo due to fighting between us (pattern ?).

So yeah I’m pretty pissed at how she “took care”’of things with S32(autistic) today, so I brought it up, “do you still want me to go with you in the morning?”,

We are (were) having my middle S28 come over at zero five to sit with J while we are gone, and it will be an all day affair with her finally seeing her oncologisT at about two-three in the afternoon, then the four hour ride back home starting off in Raleigh traffic ; (

Of course there was a skirmish as Red5 took that big bite of “bait”... .

By now J is dressed and him and I are going to town to get him fed and get the h3ll away from her.

So she has called her foo mum(MIL), I can’t help but overhear, she is going on about how her beach condo (remember her now deceased H#2 from older thread)... .how her beach condo is full of mold now and so forth and so on... .then the flying monkeys make their aproach... .

... .udx wife says so I can hear... .
“I can’t make my husband support me in my C dx, he can come if he wants but he is mad at me right now”... .I take the bait yet again, as I step out of the kitchen and say, “be sure you tell her the whole gd story now”... .then it’s a three way/ blah blah blah... .mum says something about “options”... .

I walk out to back porch with J and then we leave.

Personally I really don’t think I can take being with her an entire twelve hour plus day... .in the vehicle and in waiting rooms/hospital; but the “FOG” is heavy in the evening air now?

Heavy on the “O&G”... .

Damnit... .I should go with her because I know in my heart she is going to get more bad news tomorrow... .

But I am still extremely pissed off as me and J sit here at the local chicken joint as he eats for the very first gd time today,

She seems to expect that I will go with her in he morning even after she did what she did today with my Son, .yeah, “support” her after she let my Son lay in his bed all gd day with no direction, left to is own, would she do this to a six year old... .after all that’s where he is developmently... .

I’m supposed to just swallow my anger and now to her?

... .UGH !

Thoughts ?

I need a good paddles call tonight FF!

Red5 has the ball, help me make a good pass and get back on deck Brother!

Red5

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« Reply #16 on: September 25, 2018, 05:01:46 PM »

Paddles contact... .pitching deck... easy with it.

What if she "can't'?

What if her "hook" is missing and you are expecting her to grab the three wire?

   

She's actually flying an E2... .you just got a call from the deck apes and they don't have an E2 barrier.  Blue water ops... .

Boss says catch the E2 anyway... .with the jet barrier.  Says we'll clean up the mess when it's all over.

Red5.  Sometimes there are sh$tty days... .and sh$tty options.  Either get it on deck... .or get wet.  Did I mention it's winter ops, up north... supply doesn't have any dry suits, so the aircrew isn't going to last long in the water.

 
 Back to the situation... .don't expect an airplane without a tail hook to make a pretty recovery.  It needs to be survivable... .

Your wife did a crappy thing today... but it was survivable.  Everybody survived.  What if it was her best?

https://goo.gl/images/eMnLNM

https://goo.gl/images/HeSEG2

Thread hijack.  An E2 barrier has big holes cut out for the propellers to go into.  So imagine using a barrier without the holes... .propeller parts will likely go everywhere... what a mess.

Back to Red and the pitching deck.

This sucks Red... .you should be mad.  Your wife has cancer, likely bad news tomorrow.  You don't want to go, yet you know should should.  This isn't fair... .it's not what you deserve, but it's the hand you have.  

Play it the best you can brother... .

Don't mention going with her again.  Get up early... be ready to go.  don't take the bait... .let your other son help with the special needs guy.  

She's scared... .and she is doing what is "normal" to her... .lashing out.  It's what she knows... don't take it personally (much easier said than done... I know)

Big picture... .don't expect Gallon love from someone that barely has a pint.

You can't give... what you don't have.

Remember... .

https://youtu.be/R4pRe8ul7KQ

Right for lineup... .cut cut cut...  (another hijack... .once paddles knows you have made the deck, he will say "cut cut cut" at which point you cut your engines in anticipation of the barrier)

FF
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« Reply #17 on: September 25, 2018, 05:59:35 PM »

Thx FF  

Roger, Red5 low on fuel, foul deck, understand barricade is not repairable, the deck apes are going to use “tilly” to protect aircraft spotted forward, Red5 will come aboard... .only got one pass, blue water bingo,

I understand FF, all options $hitty, but no one is in danger... .this will be yet another “chaser detail”... .you are right, best to suck it up and go with her, take her and just drive, better take my Kevlar !

My life has been chock full of “long days”... .I know I have the “grit” to take her bravo sierra, .a thermos of black coffee may need to be ordered up from the ”Chiefs Mess”  !

Too bad I quit smoking back in 2011 haha,

Yes, NATOPS says to ignore the “flashing red lights” and press on !

We’ll follow the “air plan” and hope for a good hop here!

We’ll have a good combat FOD walk down after the last fixed wing recovery and get the mess cleaned up eh’ !

Set HERO condition throughout the ship, secure from all live Ordnance evolutions... .set the alert... .

Tomorrow will be a long day, most likely a “hot load event”... .hmmmm, Red5 knows “hot loading”... .so a twelve hour day with udx wife should be a simple stroll down the flight line... .

P.S. // the mysterious Red5 character (red shirt) strolls across the screen at 1:31, yeah that’s me incognito ! //

Thank you Formflier !

You are right, I’ve been wet and mad many times before... .I’ll play this one as best I can.

Enjoying quiet time with my Son at the chicken joint for now,

Red5
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« Reply #18 on: September 25, 2018, 07:32:57 PM »


On tomorrows trip... .try to do some spontaneous stuff.  Likely after the appointment... you don't want to miss that.

Find a place to eat... just because.  Buy her something.  Take a selfie with her.  Go to one of those picture booths and get a picture taken.

Find a place close by to get her a massage. 

You get the picture... .

Don't worry about the past... .or the future.  Just do some stuff with her.

FF
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« Reply #19 on: September 25, 2018, 07:44:00 PM »

You get the picture... .

Don't worry about the past... .or the future.  Just do some stuff with her.

Wilco !
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« Reply #20 on: September 28, 2018, 01:17:26 PM »

Excerpt
How goes hurricane recovery?

How goes trip to doc?

Thinking of you RED5

FF
Afternoon FF!
Ok here, things are better now; sitrep / after-action report follows;
So when me and S32(a) got back home from the chicken joint last Tuesday night, walked into the house, and she was still sitting in her chair watching her show (ST?), I got the boy off to his shower and to get ready for the evening routine.
So I broke radio silence, and I asked her if there was anything I could get for her from the kitchen, remembering your last post above ($hitty choices), and also something you had written about a session with your “P” and that he had talked about “letting FFw be (room to) be mad”… like the “put it away” thing, move to the right, not the left, “forward”, not backwards… “let it go” and all of that, and a little “disciplined indifference”… just for good measure,
So she says to me in reply to the “kitchen remark”, “I wrote you a letter”… I replied with one word, ie’ one syllable… “k”… And went about my evening duties…
So after I got the boy into the shower (with his timer)… I went into the office (man cave) to read this suspect letter.
Synopsis of the contents, all seven paragraphs, were play by play of the last forty-eight hours, re-written history… and was in its entire content to place all blame for all the conflagration squarely on me… so; ok I thought, use more of the tools now (above)… it’s just a piece of paper, nothing else, keep calm and “chive on” here;… I only read it once, and then I “stowed it” away.
I walked back into the living room, and said, “thank you for writing me the letter”… she replied, pretty much “lit” into me;…  “I am tired of being mad at you, I am tired of your anger towards me, I am tired of you not supporting me when I have to deal with your Son”… she continued, “you are not treating me very well, I want you to treat me better”… I replied, “I am listening”… then I said, “I want to take you to your appointments tomorrow, it’s a long drive, and I want to support you, let’s let all this go for now, and concentrate on tomorrow ok?”… then before she could respond, I told her… “I love you”, and then I egressed the area!… and left to go check on S32(a), and to get him ready for bedtime,
From there on out to “taps taps lights out”, things were “civil”… I did not take bait suspect anymore, even though she has said what she had said, and acted the way she had.
So… Then next morning, Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) zero three thirty, I got up (we slept in same bed)… and showered, and got the boys gear ready for school, yes, the director of S32(a)’s day vocational activity texted me the previous afternoon, and said the S-Club was now party FMC again, and that they were able to have classes… good news!
*FMC means “full mission capable”…
She followed my leader, and got up at zero four, then my S28 came over at zero four forty-five to sit with his brother, and to get him to and from his activities for the day… I packed up my coffee thermos, and her gear, and myself and udx wife departed for RD at zero five… everything seems fine, we are apprehensive about the looming appointment, and what will transpire, but as we say our goodbyes, and proceed to the vehicle, everything seems ok.
So we leave, As we do down the dark street, dodging the huge piles of hurricane debris, I ask… highway 24 or 70?… as she has not given me the coordinates, and there may be issues with passage along the route due to flooding… she only says “70”… Right about then my RWR started to “ping”… so I said nothing else, and selected her favorite station on the sirius xm…
So 48 some odd miles click off, as we pass through the towns in the early hour… then finally, as we have been on the road for an hour, I finally break the silence and say… “you ok over there?”… and she wades into to me, it’s the letter, now verbally… almost line for line… she lets me have it yet again… Its ALL my fault, I treat her like $hit, My Son this that and the other thing… blah blah blah… I am cruising at 79mph, the sun is not up yet, there is an almost full moon though, I try not to let her into my helmet, I concentrate on my instruments, and indicators, Mph, voltage reading, oil pressure… engine temp… I note the heading NW, and outside temp, 70 something degrees… I keep an eye out for deer along the side of the road… I dim my headlights as we approach other vehicles… there is some fig out as well… I note the fog lamp lighted indicator on the dash… she’s still going…
Finally, I wait for her to catch her breath… and I simply say, “I’m listening”…
She says nothing for about twelve seconds, then she says… “I know you are”… (?),
I say nothing else, and neither does she, I wait for her to “burn out”…
Now we are getting close to the I-40… traffic start to get busier… she starts a random conversation about how busy it will be in the hospital, where we need to go, and if we will make it on time… I add a few lines of “inconsequential conversation”… about the traffic patterns…
~> continued
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« Reply #21 on: September 28, 2018, 01:18:20 PM »

~> continued
As we get closer to our first appointment, she gets antsy about if we are in the right place, I ask for the coordinates again, and she then pulls out a hand written sheet of “directions”… I ask her to put the address into the navigation system so we can check our position, she refuses, I keep driving down the road as per directed/directions… that hospital got to be round here somewhere…
We finally find it, this is one of those “off-site” appointments, we have three of them today… I go to park, and she starts to complain about that I’m not in the right parking lot, I say nothing… just keep driving… we get there, get out, and go in, they take her back, I wait… an hour goes by… then we leave to go to the main hospital… again, I use the navigation system, she questions it, then gets aggravated dt me… “you’re NOT going the right way”… I point to the ”moving map” but say nothing… she gets more irritated…
We get to our #2 destination, and proceed to the parking garage… it’s now eleven hundred local, the place is packed… as we ascend, she starts to complain that I’m not paying enough attention, I say “that the best option is go straight to the roof and park, and take the elevator “down”… As I do this all the time, She says “let me out here”, “I want out now, do what you want!”… I stop at level two, and let her out by the elevator trunk.
She disappears out of my sight, and I proceed with the other topside, park, and go to find her in the C wing…
I go to the C wing labs, and wait, she is already taken back… I wait for about forty-five minutes, she reappears, and is now all smiles and happy… (?)… ”Let do lunch she says!”… we walk down to the cafeteria, and have lunch, conversation is random, but upbeat… nothing serious… I am extremely careful of what I say, as o avoid any dysregulation at this crucial point… It’s another hour and a half till we see her doctor… we leave the cafeteria, and go to the enclosed garden sitting area… she’s cold, so I go to the gift shop and buy her a small fleece blanket… she plays with her phone, we “people watch”.
Time to go to the fifth floor, we proceed to the elevators again, it’s a long walk, I hold her hand, she tells me that she is nervous… I grip her small hand a little tighter…
We get to the unit, check in, and wait for the Doctor, they take her vitals, and then take us back… we are now sitting in the exam room, she is still cold, and now thirsty, I go out to get her a cup of ice water… when I return the Doctor is there.
He says the usual greetings, looks at her charts on the computer screen, and its not good news, he tries to offer her his professional consolation/further options, she starts to cry, I am compartmentalized by now… he discusses further treatment options, and talks about “trials”… then he leaves, and the pharmacists comes in, more details about treatments… it is over, we sit there for a moment or two, she is pretty shaken up, I rub her shoulder, and hold her hand some more… I don’t know what to do, expect “act brave”…
We leave and go to check out, and make more appointments… then we leave, back through the hospital, via the pharmacy… then on out to the parking garage through the long corridors… it’s over,
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« Reply #22 on: September 28, 2018, 01:19:02 PM »

~> continued
We leave the hospital, and get back on the freeway… and proceed out of the RD area… its now after five in the afternoon… She scolds me that I am driving too fast, then too slow, Then wants to know if I’m hungry… and if I’ve checked my email today, and what do I think about this that and the other… Then her foo starts to blow up her phone… This goes on for another hour and then some until we are far away from the city, and almost to Goldsborough… I listen to all the calls, fork her foo, and her two adult children… “don’t tell mother”… “the news was not good, the _/_/_ did not work, he wants to put me on this now”… “don’t tell mom”… “yes, we are on our way back home, don’t tell mom anything”…
We stop and have dinner in Kinston, Uneventful, we talk about random things… she is calm now.
We get home, I go to my S28’s apartment to collect S32(a)… It’s after 20:00 now.
She takes shower, and goes to bed, I put S32(a) to bed after wash up time… now it’s just me and the dogs and the two cats… I sit on the couch and think “what a day”…
I fall asleep, and when I wake up its zero five… I get up, and start the morning routine.
As of today, things are still somewhat calm, no dysregulations, no “cross talk”… We’ll see how long this lasts… we got our internet back on Wednesday, so she is able to communicate with her foo better now… S32(a) is back in his program, and I am back at work now… Back into the “normal“ routine…
I do understand that this will not last, sooner, maybe later, she will slip her rail again about something, as she certainly now has an unlimited supply of “something”…
Thanks for listening… And thank you FF for your advice, as always it was very effective!
Red5

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« Reply #23 on: September 28, 2018, 02:10:43 PM »

You were awesome, Red5 

So difficult to keep the powder dry when faced with so much incoming. You did great! I’m sure it wasn’t fun and it wasn’t easy, but you supported her so well through that difficult day.

Very tough for everyone.   

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« Reply #24 on: September 30, 2018, 09:18:07 AM »


Red5

Solid SITREP.  I'm so sorry you guys didn't get better news at the doctor.   

I applaud your ability to be there for her and deflect the incoming rounds and juggle the other responsibilities in the background.  No idea if she came out and said thank you... .but I certainly will.  Thank you Marine!  Good work serving those that need and depend on you!

Please don't take any of this as direction or criticism, more like FF "thinking aloud".  If you ever get to a situation where this may work... perhaps you feel up to it and "pull the trigger".  Perhaps not.  Sometimes you kinda have to go with your gut.

The letter:  That shows effort on her part to "get you to understand something".  I'm sure we all agree she lacks the skill to express it.  Perhaps she doesn't even know exactly what she wants to say.

Let's add in BPD and she may not remember what she felt when she put pen to paper. 

Big picture:  She doesn't need help remembering or "fixing".  She needs good solid fastballs tossed her way... that it's a good time for (fill in the blank)

So... .make sure you have a few hours in the evening.  Take her a glass of ice water (or tea... favorite beverage).  "Hey... .babe.  Been thinking about the letter and us.  I've got a couple hours if you want to talk/do something."  Then... roll with it.

Hey... .here is a FF challenge.  You gave us a good SITREP... now give us a lessons/learned AFTER ACTION type report.

RED 5 there was only one place in the SITREP where FF cringed.  Wrong decision was made.  However, you made a wrong decision "right" and pressed on.

If you can find it... .I might stop making fun of Marines... .for a day or so.    (Hint you pitched her a fastball, when you should have "put some junk on it")

FF

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« Reply #25 on: September 30, 2018, 09:24:18 AM »



and of course I can't be in a RED 5 thread without a hijack.  Almost like an obligation.


Greetings from the mountain side of Carolina.  I'm in area taking in a lazy Sunday morning at a wonderful breakfast buffet.  Absolutely the best cheese grits ever.  County ham pretty good too!

FF

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« Reply #26 on: September 30, 2018, 01:16:42 PM »

Hi,
This might sound dumb since your community is in the midst if a natural disaster but are there any support groups in your community for parents of Autistic children? I am so  sad for you and your son. This is essentially child abuse she is committing. Leaving someone with the capacity of a  6 years old alone is awful . He could have been hurt.
Thank God he has  such a loving dad.
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« Reply #27 on: October 17, 2018, 10:05:59 AM »

Excerpt
[quote from Cat] "I’m sure it wasn’t fun and it wasn’t easy, but you supported her so well through that difficult day."

Thanks Cat, yeah, wasn't a good day at all... .pretty scary stuff... .on top of everything else... .that was weeks ago now, life here is taking a turn; I can feel it... .I got to keep my head gear "washed out", things are going to get worse where her health is concerned.

Pretty grown up stuff... .

Excerpt
[quote from FF] "RED 5 there was only one place in the SITREP where FF cringed.  Wrong decision was made.  However, you made a wrong decision "right" and pressed on.

If you can find it... .I might stop making fun of Marines... .for a day or so.    (Hint you pitched her a fastball, when you should have "put some junk on it")

... .and of course I can't be in a RED 5 thread without a hijack.  Almost like an obligation.  

FF"

This thread is pretty much dead now ... .its been so busy round here I have not really been able to respond as I should, .besides, as we all know, there is never really any "validation", or explanations to the behaviors of pw/BPD, .seems as one fire dies out, another will start forthwith... .so I'm on about the "subsequence" third, maybe forth (dysregulation) at the moment, maybe a new thread... .so you'll have to help me to see the "fastball" moment that I missed FF  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post) as my brain housing group is pretty much a disaster area at the moment... .as far as the letter, it was not mentioned again after we got back home that evening, or ever there after~>... .she moved right along to something else entirely... ."making fun of Marines"  !... .don't get me started with my "squid jokes" ha ha ha !... .no really... .I love Sailors, some of my best friends are retired Navy   !

Excerpt
[quote from Tinkerbelle] "Hi, this might sound dumb since your community is in the midst if a natural disaster but are there any support groups in your community for parents of Autistic children? "

There are Tinkerbelle, we are blessed to have an outstanding day vocational program for him to attend everyday, it is a blessing to be sure... .things are better now, some time has passed, more things have happened, as time has gone by... .today we are all ok  ... .

Red5
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« Reply #28 on: October 17, 2018, 11:36:05 AM »

  “you ok over there?” … and she wades into to me, …. it’s the letter, now verbally … almost line for line …. she lets me have it yet again …. Its ALL my fault, I treat her like $hit, …. My Son this that and the other thing …. blah blah blah … I am cruising at 79mph, the sun is not up yet, there is an almost full moon though, … I try not to let her into my helmet, I concentrate on my instruments, and indicators, …. Mph, voltage reading, oil pressure … engine temp …

Here is the fastball.  I'm not saying never say this... .I am saying never say this when trapped in a confined space.

You asked for her feelings... .and boy did you get them... .

You pulled out the corkscrew... .and it all came spewing out. 

My guess is you were trying to make conversation and to be concerned about her feelings.  Once you realized you actually opened the floodgates... .you recovered well.   

Much better to be focused.  "I find it relaxing to watch the sun come up.   What do you think?"

Sometimes you can get a rant going on something else... "How did your phone call with the wicked witch of the north go last night?  Sounds like the broom sale got you guys excited."  (note... this is much edgier... but somethings they can blow of steam this way)

Sometimes they build up a head of steam and roll you over... .

Anyway... good job recovering... .

FF
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« Reply #29 on: October 17, 2018, 12:38:18 PM »

Excerpt
[FF qoute] Here is the fastball.  I'm not saying never say this... .I am saying never say this when trapped in a confined space.

Yup, a Grand Cherokee cockpit is no place to have an u/BPDw helmet fire!

Excerpt
[FF qoute] You pulled out the corkscrew... .and it all came spewing out. 

... .oops, I was intending to do a "health and comfort" check of my bombardier/navigator... .again, oops 

Excerpt
[FF qoute] My guess is you were trying to make conversation and to be concerned about her feelings.  Once you realized you actually opened the floodgates... .you recovered well.   

... .old aviator adage, .push control yoke forward, houses trees and mountains get bigger, pull back smartly on control yoke, .houses trees and mountains get smaller   !

Excerpt
[FF qoute] Sometimes you can get a rant going on something else... "How did your phone call with the wicked witch of the north go last night?

... .yes, I have done this in the past... .the "throw a shiny object" move... .or the "false flag operation"... ."release a decoy"... .to initiate the release of negative energy in a direction other than the Non's direction (me  )... ."to tie up, to disperse; or release negative energy in a safe direction"... ."to discharge overpressure"... ."release steam"... ."clean the boilers"... .yes, I do this from time to time, not in a nefarious way, but to "keep her occupied/busy"... .ie' quickly CHANGE the subject, to something I know she will go with ~>> ... .thus redirecting her precived dysregulation in another direction away from me... .

Is this bad?... .hmmm,

But you have to be careful with this... .as once its "out", its "out"... .like a ZUNI rocket out of the launcher, .so be careful!... .as there is no "off-switch" here.

But it is effective in some scenarios. https://www.you.tube.com/watch?v=vJeX0Jk3__8

Hope all is well in your grid square today FF!

Red5

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