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Author Topic: My mother may have BPD and is moving in with us  (Read 496 times)
KAlways

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« on: October 15, 2018, 01:09:27 PM »

Hi there, I'm new to this message board after my therapist mentioned my mother being/having traits of BPD. A bit of brief background: I am 33, married for 3 years, currently 8 months pregnant with our first child and my mother is 63. My father, her spouse of 27 years, died by suicide in 2009. I have to say looking back that her behavior really tipped off after my father's passing. I think she may have had some childhood trauma that she coped with somewhat, but the trauma of my father's passing really opened up Pandora's box. For the most part of the past 9+ years we've coped and lived relatively normal lives, but as of this coming spring she will be moving in with us which has caused a lot of problems between us.

To start, she was always welcome at our house and told her the guestroom was hers when she eventually moved in (we purchased June 2017 and the timeline of her moving in was supposed to be in a few years when my older sister that lives with her now and her kids went to college. Sister is now moving out to get her own house). My mother totally redecorated the guestroom so it is hers, in addition to violating boundaries in hanging up things in our master bedroom, purchasing lots of unnecessary items for the house she thinks we need, etc. She gets really defensive when I say we don't need anything she purchases or how I explained it was really upsetting her hanging up things in our first home- in our bedroom! Anyway, after one somewhat blowup argument she left out house, ranted on facebook how no one gives her any gratitude and she doesn't belong anywhere and misses my dad. When I asked her about this she blew me off like I was supposed to know what caused her rant. She finally cooled off after weeks of ignoring me. During this time my husband and I worried what this meant for our future with her moving in- especially as she was supposed to be the caregiver for our newborn after we return to work. We decided that daycare and her getting her own place might be best. When she learned of this she went off the rails again threatening suicide saying she can't afford to live alone and we would all be better off. This has since been dealt with and she is stable, but I am still extremely pissed she did this while I'm pregnant. This was in July/August. She has not apologized nor does she think her behavior is wrong. She insists on caring for the newborn though I haven't said to her that someone who is suicidal isn't watching the baby for fear of her losing it again.

Learning that this behavior could be a result of BPD really explains a lot, but doesn't excuse it. My husband and I have agreed she can move in since she financially can't live on her own and I am seeking therapy on how to cope with her when she does. I'm hoping therapy can help me let go my anger towards her and my future anger I know I will have when she has another episode for another perceived slight. But I am angry having to deal with this, that we can't live alone as a new family of three but now four, that she got herself into this and now my husband and I have to change our lives to support her. I get she is undergoing changes, too, but it's really hard to just chalk it up to her BPD when she should have to learn how to amend some of her behaviors as well.

Looking for advice and support and similar situations. Thank you
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Harri
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« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2018, 01:46:04 PM »

Hi KAlways and welcome.  I am so sorry for what has brought you here but glad you found us.  Before I say more, let me say congrats on your soon to be born baby!  How exciting and what a joyous event.

Everyone who posts on this board is dealing with a loved one or relative with BPD or BPD behaviors whether officially diagnosed or not so you are in good company. 

I think not allowing your mother to watch your baby is a good idea.  Several of our members have had to deal with that issue and it is easier to start it at the beginning than it is to make changes later on.  Another great thing you are doing is being proactive by getting help from a counselor.  We can help you too of course. 

When is your mother moving in?  Is there any way you can help her get her own place? 

About chalking her behavior up to just BPD... .well, even if it is BPD she is 100% responsible for her behaviors.  There are certain things we can do, like boundaries, using certain communication strategies, and having appropriate expectations that can make life easier for us.  Sometimes there is an added benefit in that your mothers behavior may improve over time, but it is really about us taking care of us.

Again, I am glad you are here and I think you will find several of us who can relate.

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borderlinesand

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« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2018, 09:26:12 PM »

HI KAIways.
I hate to sound negative but if I were you I'd do just about anything to keep from moving in with your mother.  I have been living in pretty close proximity to  the impacts of my BPD ex-wife for a decade now.  There is zero chance of your mother not projecting things onto you, your parenting, your child... .but it's your child that especially would concern me.  BPD folks really seem to require people to latch on to, to enroll as caretakers.  An innocent child is pretty much tailor made for the BPD personality to shape itself around.

As much as I genuinely cared for my ex wife before her BPD dramatically surfaced, I do wish that I had sued for full custody of my children.  Because even at half custody, the impacts upon my children of having to deal with her behavior sets, have been horrible for them both.  It's a very tough decision to make, it may feel mean or unkind, but keeping your child away from someone who rants against you on FB and who threatens suicide is the right call.

Supervised visits at her home (once one can be found) or at your home when she visits you... .so she can have a form of relating to your child is much more sustainable and logical, given the circumstances.  This is all of course my opinion.  I hope things go well for you all though.
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Woolspinner2000
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« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2018, 09:02:35 PM »

Welcome KAlwaysWelcome new member (click to insert in post)

I'd like to join the others in welcoming you to our online family. And yes, Congrats on your new baby! Such an exciting time in life!

I'm really glad you have joined us, and also that you are in T (therapy). I've found in my own life that T has been so vital in helping me to heal from the effects of having an uBPDm. In addition to that, this board has played the other huge part for me, allowing me to ask questions and seek help and advice from those who get it and fully understand.

It sounds as if you've got a tough situation with your mom. Do you feel confident in the decision to have her live with you, or are you becoming less comfortable? What do you feel deep down in your gut about it all? Please feel free to share because there will be no judgement here, only acceptance and helping you to walk through the path you are on, wherever it is and goes. We understand because we have all dealt with the difficulties of having a pwBPD in our lives.

 
Wools
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KAlways

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« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2018, 06:52:55 AM »

Hi folks, thank you for the warm welcome! I'm excited for this baby but definitely terrified and anxious and scared as well! I guess it's all normal first time mom stuff.

borderlinesand, thanks for your feedback. Unfortunately I don't have much of a choice with her moving in. I'll explain more below. But I think there is definitely a different dynamic between a mother-daughter relationship than ex-spouses that can't quite be compared.

Harri, the tentative timeline is next Spring after she is able to sell her current house she shares/will have shared with my older sister. My sister moved in with her about 6 years ago with her two kids after a divorce that left her in financial trouble. So they decided it would be mutually beneficial- my mother wouldn't be alone and my sister and her kids would have a home. Unfortunately, my sister never paid her portion of the mortgage so my mother has been leeching her savings from my dad's life insurance, and my mother only gets so much in her pension and my dad's social security each month to make ends meet. I didn't know my sister had never paid her until a couple months ago.

In the recent blowup, we looked at her finances and ability to potentially find a smaller home for herself, but we live in the northern Virginia area and it's quite expensive. Even using the cash from the selling of her current home wouldn't be enough to purchase a small townhouse or condo, especially with upkeep, HOAs and most importantly, health insurance- which is the biggest bite out of her "income". Until she reaches 65 in 2 years to qualify for Medicare/Medicaid, she pays a large sum for health insurance. With these financial constraints, I can't afford to pay anything additional for her to live on her own so her moving in is pretty much the only feasible option.

Woolspinner2000, I am less confident with that major argument and am very resentful for us having to change our lives for her, even though that was the plan even before I became pregnant. I love her and feel guilty that my father has passed and she has to live a life she never imagined- as a widow living on limited means. While I understand that's not my fault, ultimately I would never be able to live with myself not taking care of her. And that is my underlying "mission" from the beginning- I love her and don't want her to be alone. This love fights with the anger I have for this situation constantly, and what I hope to work through in therapy.

My therapist has said that this is the reality of the situation- she's moving in. I can only change how I respond and feel about the situation; I can't change her behavior. I can enforce boundaries and insist she also seek therapy, but there's no guarantee that someone with BPD/traits has a belief system that can be changed.

With the sale of her house we are considering a few options for when she does move in to help ensure we live harmoniously- 1) a larger house with her own separate space, 2) a house with a large backyard she can put a tiny home on or 3) a house with room to add an addition on the main level (she has bad knees) with her own bedroom/bath separate from us. This is kind of where my husband and I are at with reconciling her living with us and trying to find a balance for our new family.
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Harri
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« Reply #5 on: October 17, 2018, 07:12:22 PM »

Excerpt
With the sale of her house we are considering a few options for when she does move in to help ensure we live harmoniously- 1) a larger house with her own separate space, 2) a house with a large backyard she can put a tiny home on or 3) a house with room to add an addition on the main level (she has bad knees) with her own bedroom/bath separate from us. This is kind of where my husband and I are at with reconciling her living with us and trying to find a balance for our new family.
  Doors and privacy.  Do that.  Even an in-law apartment.   

Your therapist sounds good talking about what you can change (you) and boundaries.  We talk a lot about those two things here. 

I live in a condo and there are some great things about it but the HOA fees are unbelievable, especially because most of it goes to lawn care and snow removal  So I hear you on that. 

Excerpt
Woolspinner2000, I am less confident with that major argument and am very resentful for us having to change our lives for her, even though that was the plan even before I became pregnant. I love her and feel guilty that my father has passed and she has to live a life she never imagined- as a widow living on limited means. While I understand that's not my fault, ultimately I would never be able to live with myself not taking care of her. And that is my underlying "mission" from the beginning- I love her and don't want her to be alone. This love fights with the anger I have for this situation constantly, and what I hope to work through in therapy.
I think living according to your values is important.  It is also important to take care of yourself and your immediate family.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Boundaries and the communication tools we offer here are going to be critical for you when she does move in.   The good news is they are easy enough to learn and you have time and lots of support between your therapist and here.

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Harri
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« Reply #6 on: October 17, 2018, 07:36:37 PM »

The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship

The above article may be helpful for both you and your husband. 

See what you think and if you have any questions, go ahead and ask.   
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Woolspinner2000
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« Reply #7 on: October 17, 2018, 07:42:48 PM »

KAlways,

I think it really sounds like you are doing the best you can given the circumstances. You seem pretty aware of the challenges going in, and you are working hard on learning and doing all you can to prepare both physically and emotionally. Definitely have those boundaries! It will be your saving grace. I like the ideas you are kicking around.

Excerpt
With the sale of her house we are considering a few options for when she does move in to help ensure we live harmoniously- 1) a larger house with her own separate space, 2) a house with a large backyard she can put a tiny home on or 3) a house with room to add an addition on the main level (she has bad knees) with her own bedroom/bath separate from us. This is kind of where my husband and I are at with reconciling her living with us and trying to find a balance for our new family.


The more space away from you that she can have results in the greater amount of space you and your husband will have from her. Think of yourself if you can and your husband and children as priority #1. Maintain that because a pwBPD likes to be in the #1 spot. Practice as much as you need to here with us. When bumps come, let us help you figure them out for those times when you need them and when it's still 6 days and counting until your next T appointment! 

BTW, are there any other options for health care that might work and cost less?

Wools
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« Reply #8 on: October 18, 2018, 11:20:11 PM »

Every person with borderline is different but there is no way I would let my BPD mom around my child maybe at all and def. only in small spurts supervised. Same with my BPD future mil. Both of them love to gush over strangers children. My mom will go as far as to pick kids up and parents let her! I can't stand to watch her hold kids it makes me angry and gives me the creeps. She works with them for a living. She was very emotionally and physically abusive and even though she acts all loving half the time she is just as abusive. Your Mom saying she will commit suicide alone is abusive especially because it is more as a threat and you lived thru it with yr father. I would consider how this might impact your child. She could say things like this to them. Can I ask was she abusive to you growing up? perhaps I'm over reacting basing things on my own BPD mom.
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KAlways

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« Reply #9 on: October 19, 2018, 08:31:50 AM »

Can I ask was she abusive to you growing up? perhaps I'm over reacting basing things on my own BPD mom.

She actually wasn't. And that's the thing- I don't think she would ever hurt my child, she's never been abusive at all. Just verbally manipualtive. That's why I think there are degrees to which people can have with BPD.

KAlways,

When bumps come, let us help you figure them out for those times when you need them and when it's still 6 days and counting until your next T appointment! 

BTW, are there any other options for health care that might work and cost less?

Wools

Thank you so much for the support! I don't think there are any other options for healthcare for a retired widow that are any cheaper than what she pays now. I've done a hefty amount of research on that and it's just crazy expensive. She isn't disabled so qouldn't qualify for anything government funded (along the lines of food stamps).

As an example of how she drives me nuts- she texted last night saying that she did research and we wouldn't get pinned with capital gains if we roll that into the new house purchase and after the baby comes we should start our search.
I get she's anxious about this move as well but 1) I work FT, am 8 months pregnant and currently not trying to stress about this and 2) why can't she freaking wait to have this discussion either in person or LATER. She already knows I'm stressed out being pregnant (it's actually not all that glorious as people say). Her being selfish and saying this to me makes me so stressed out! It's very hard to retrain my brain to just let this go, it really isn't that big of a deal. I simply replied we're waiting until after the baby and we're settled to even think about it. She then asked about seeing a movie when she visits (the new Fantastic Beasts, I'm a huge HP fan  :love-it for Thanksgiving and I felt better.

Again, I'm just so angry and resentful we have to upend our lives to accomodate her, even though It's my decision as I love her and don't want her to be alone. Such an exhausting mental fight all the time!
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« Reply #10 on: October 19, 2018, 01:47:21 PM »

I couldn't help but notice that you have a sister, who moves in with your mother along with her kids and then has free rent for 6 years, draining your mother's savings and is now getting her own house but isn't bringing your mother along with her now that she has drained your mother's savings to the point that she can not live on her own?

I won't tell you what to do about mother moving in with you. I know that every situation is different. However, if you want boundaries such as her not hanging things on your walls, I would advise you to practice your boundaries with your mother before she moves in so you can manage being firm with her when she doesn't like them.

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Harri
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« Reply #11 on: October 20, 2018, 06:56:01 PM »

Excerpt
She actually wasn't. And that's the thing- I don't think she would ever hurt my child, she's never been abusive at all. Just verbally manipualtive. That's why I think there are degrees to which people can have with BPD.
I agree there are degrees.  BPD occurs on a continuum.  Verbal manipulation is emotional abuse which is quite devastating actually.  Threats of suicide are very damaging.  As others have said, supervision when she is with your child is important.  As will be boundaries.  We have had a couple members talk of a grandmother emotionally manipulating their 2 year old by pretending to cry when they say no or show preference to the mom.  I don't say this to scare you but to point out you need to be watchful and willing to say no, stop, whatever.

BTW, at 8 months pregnant, how are you feeling?
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KAlways

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« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2018, 08:02:01 AM »

I couldn't help but notice that you have a sister, who moves in with your mother along with her kids and then has free rent for 6 years, draining your mother's savings and is now getting her own house but isn't bringing your mother along with her now that she has drained your mother's savings to the point that she can not live on her own?

Don't get me started. I plan to say something if she ends up coming up for Thanksgiving (they live about an hour south of me). She's already griped about coming up even though I will be two weeks away from giving birth. That's my sister! When we had a discussion with my mother after her freakout, my sister was silent when I said we would support her. SILENT. She's briefly mentioned that she will have a spare bedroom if my mom wants to visit. I don't know what good it would do to say something to my sister about not paying my mom at this point since my mother never enforced it.

My mom and I have shared bills for the phone and car insurance but I have always ALWAYS paid her monthly via shared bank account tranfers or now Paypal payments since I have shared account with my husband. I even recently took over the entire phone payment for her (really not much more than what I was already sending her so no biggie).

@Harri- I'm doing ok! Tired and sick of peeing ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT. Also sick of people telling me its prep for when the baby gets here- not helpful! I understand what we signed up for, but I'm hoping sleep will somewhat normalize so at least my body feels ok even if I have to get up to feed/change her. Here's hoping I won't feel like my bladder will explode every hour and rolling over won't be an olypmic event.
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« Reply #13 on: October 23, 2018, 08:32:58 AM »

Well, let me give you a little mom to mom advice from a mom with a BPD mom!

It isn't unusual to have siblings take on different roles in dysfunctional families. Also these patterns tend to be long standing. Your mother has BPD and her behaviors with your sister are co-dependent- rescuing/enabling. You are a good hearted person doing the right thing for your mother but please be careful not to cross that line to enabling your mother in her own dysfunction as well as her enabling your sister.

A baby will challenge you, in a good way, but your time, and energy will be focused on the little one. This is one time where caretaking and putting someone else's needs before yours is a great quality. But it isn't so great with grown adults who should be responsible for themselves. Also some of them don't particularly like it when your attention shifts from them to the newborn. You might expect them to understand but they may feel more like displaced toddlers than capable adults.

I love babies but I  didn't find pregnancy so fun either. I'm a relatively small person. By 38 weeks, I was ready for that baby to be born! My taller friends were feeling glorious and I felt like a whale! I can honestly say that having babies was the best thing ever for me as I love being a mom and being uncomfortable for a while didn't change that at all. However, being a caretaker type, others were not so accustomed to understanding how I was feeling or reversing their patterns for a while. A change for me when I became a mom was that it shifted my focus on to the child in many ways- which then created some necessary changes.

I could not have imagined hosting Thanksgiving dinner at 38 weeks. All I wanted was some rest- and you had better rest up before that little bundle of joy arrives as you will be sleep deprived when he/she gets there. When they say "rest when the baby sleeps" they mean it. IMHO- as a fellow mom- I am giving you permission to bail out of Thanksgiving and /or at least have someone cater it. Take care of yourself!

 
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KAlways

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« Reply #14 on: October 23, 2018, 10:15:42 AM »

@Notwendy Thanks lady! I am also small- 5'1 on a good day and feel like a whale. My mantra is that this will be over in a few weeks. Just a few weeks left.

My husband and I have discussed the main ground rules/requirements for my mom living with us to include- therapy, respecting boundaries, and getting some kind of part time job or volunteer activity or something to make friends her age. She has to have something else besides us and playing on her ipad all day.

What's interesting is the enabling/rescuing behavior- when she does this, she expect such grandiose gratitude that when she doesn't get it she flies off the handle. I mean with the littlest things, too. She'll question why we dont have x product she bought us for Christmas out. Annoying! And I definitely never expected my sister to help out at all, I know that's the entitled kind of person she is. But I also only recently found out how she's been living rent-free and not offering help now REALLY pisses me off. She's essentially done with her life- kids are grown and going off to college, I'm just starting out (with a baby anyway, been employed with the gov't for 10+ years).

As for Thanksgiving- we have no real plans to host anything super fancy. Just myself, husband and mother and only my sister, her bf and kids if she can manage driving up but honestly I wouldn't care if she bailed to move into her new house.

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GaGrl
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« Reply #15 on: October 23, 2018, 05:44:15 PM »

5'2" here, and I spent the last 1 1 weeks of my pregnancy on bed rest (so I have only one child)... .I was beyond ready to have that baby!I

My mother has a few BPD traits, which really I attribute as "fleas" from her VERY uNPD/BPD stepmother (what a piece of work she was... .). I am in the process of retiring and will have my mom (now in her 90s) in our retirement house. I want to have these last year's with her - she is cognitively sharp and funny and sweet. I also know she can obsess over some things that will make me crazy.

We have already scheduled a family meeting on the new/retirement budget and a discussion on lifestyle, activities, etc. However much we plan, though, I know that something is going to come up to trigger her, and she'll be in a snit and go cold and silent for a few days.

Sigh... .
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KAlways

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« Reply #16 on: October 24, 2018, 06:29:03 AM »

@GAagrl I feel similarly. Though my mom is only 63, I want to share the later years with her. She has her good moments.

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« Reply #17 on: October 24, 2018, 07:10:56 AM »

Hi Ladies,

The pregnancy stories are cracking me up   Being a mom is truely a blessing but the end of a pregnancy... .I actually had my boss call me "moonface" because I was... .I was the queen of water retention, my ankles... .thick as an elephants.  All I can say is be glad you're peeing all the time at least the water is leaving! 5'3" and as wide as I was tall!

My husband and I have discussed the main ground rules/requirements for my mom living with us to include- therapy, respecting boundaries, and getting some kind of part time job or volunteer activity or something to make friends her age. She has to have something else besides us and playing on her ipad all day.

The question becomes, what if your mother doesn't play by your ground rules?

Has your mother been good at respecting boundaries in the past?  Does she think that she needs Therapy? Does she want to work/volunteer?  What if all she wants to do is sit at home and spend time with you and your new baby 24/7?

What are your boundaries when it comes to your mom?  What are your boundaries around your own time, your time with the new baby, or time with your husband? Boundaries around privacy?  Decorating your own house?

I have found that the BPD person in my life has absolutely no respect for boundaries and will try to boundary bust every time.

I think it's important to think about how will you enforce your boundaries?  What are the consequences to your mom if she refuses to attend Therapy or refuses to respect your boundaries?  What action will you take? Because in my experience just telling your mom that you have a boundary does not mean that she will respect it.

More on boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

To me boundaries are likely to be your biggest challenge.  Followed by what you describe as manipulative behavior (this is likely what she will use to boundary bust) and FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or Emotional Blackmail. It sounds like you already have an awareness of when she's doing this stuff which is great.  The more behaviors you can recognize I think the easier it is to not take things so personally.  Those manipulative behaviors are her behaviors and you do not have to engage in the game.

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Take Care,
Panda39

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« Reply #18 on: October 26, 2018, 08:15:03 AM »

@Panda39, thank you for the resources and info! And all great questions and things I have to think about and consider.
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« Reply #19 on: October 26, 2018, 02:19:40 PM »

hi KAlways.

Boundaries are good to have but work best when you can actually enforce them.  Panda asked some great questions and gave excellent resources so I can't add to that but I do want to make a couple of comments.

You really can't force someone to go to therapy and asking them to go is usually not going to go over very well, even if the person does not have BPD or BPD traits.  If someone said it to you, how would that make you feel, especially if you think you do not have a problem?

From our senior ambassador Radcliff"Boundaries are what we do to protect ourselves and live our values, by defining our own behavior.  They are not about controlling others' behavior.  In fact, in doing that, we violate their boundaries.  So mastering boundaries means protecting ours and respecting others'.

The most important "trick" to achieving this protection with the lowest amount of effort and drama is to look at boundaries not as ways to control others, but as ways to define the protective action you take in response to a bad situation.  It's a different spin on things that will actually meet your objective more effectively.

The reason this is important is that you can be successful at controlling your own actions.  Expecting a disordered, toxic person to behave in a way we want them to just sets us up for conflict and frustration.  In fact, if they detect that we are trying to control them, they may do the opposite of what they want, so they feel safe and in control.  If your personality disordered people are anything like mine, you know what I'm talking about!" 


Does that make sense?
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KAlways

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 8


« Reply #20 on: November 02, 2018, 09:04:48 AM »

Hi Harri- makes total sense. Thank you!
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