Pete Walker And The 14 Inner Critic Attacks

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello bpdfamily  

I have recently reached the core layer of my cptsd. Every time I reach a new level of self empowerment I always get "tested" to see if this new level is really something I am wanting. I call this phenomena the Guardian of the Threshold.

The Guardian of the Threshold is showing up for me at the moment via an increase in inner critic attacks. For example, I shared a photo of myself online and a good friend commented on it, the inner critic attack went something like, "She only commented on your photo because she felt sorry for you, because only one other person commented on it, because you are such a loser, she is not your friend really"

This feels like gas lighting to me. I am uncovering that gas lighting was a major factor for me growing up. Deconstructing this flashback I can see that I am afraid the connection is one sided, that I am kidding myself it is equal and reciprocal (even though when I get out of my head and into my body, it feels equal and reciprocal).

I now understand this is because growing up this is exactly how it was for me, one sided and none reciprocal. I had to "kid" myself into believing that my parents loved me back, even though their actions towards me proved otherwise.

Today I am coming to see that this oppression is coming from within me, and I am asking myself the question, where in my life I'm I oppressing myself? #DivineMasculine #DivineFeminine balance.

"Shame can't survive being spoken. Shame needs 3 things to survive: secrecy, silence and judgment."
- Brene Brown.

you, Inner Critic!  

Here is the list of 14 common inner critic attacks divided into the key categories of perfectionism and endangerment. Each is paired with a healthier (and typically more accurate) thought-substitution response.

PERFECTIONISM ATTACKS

1. Perfectionism - My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved.

2. All-or-None & Black-and-White Thinking - I reject extreme or overgeneralized descriptions, judgments or criticisms. One negative happenstance does not mean I am stuck in a never-ending pattern of defeat. Statements that describe me as “always” or “never” this or that, are typically grossly inaccurate.

3. Self-Hate, Self-Disgust & Toxic Shame - I commit to myself. I am on my side. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I turn shame back into blame and disgust, and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings and foibles. As long as I am not hurting anyone, I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger, sadness, fear and depression. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit.

4. Micromanagement/Worrying/Obsessing/
Looping/ Over-Futurizing - I will not repetitively examine details over and over. I will not jump to negative conclusions. I will not endlessly second-guess myself. I cannot change the past. I forgive all my past mistakes. I cannot make the future perfectly safe. I will stop hunting for what could go wrong. I will not try to control the uncontrollable. I will not micromanage myself or others. I work in a way that is “good enough”, and I accept the existential fact that my efforts sometimes bring desired results and sometimes they do not. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” - The Serenity Prayer

5. Unfair/Devaluing Comparisons To others or to one’s most perfect moments - I refuse to compare myself unfavorably to others. I will not compare “my insides to their outsides”. I will not judge myself for not being at peak performance all the time. In a society that pressure us into acting happy all the time, I will not get down on myself for feeling bad.

6. Guilt Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty - I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”.

7. "Shoulding” - I will substitute the words “want to” for “should” and only follow this imperative if it feels like I want to, unless I am under legal, ethical or moral obligation.

8. Overproductivity/Workaholism/Busyholism - I am a human being not a human doing. I will not choose to be perpetually productive. I am more productive in the long run, when I balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform at 100% all the time. I subscribe to the normalcy of vacillating along a continuum of efficiency.

9. Harsh Judgments of Self & Others/Name-Calling - I will not let the bullies and critics of my early life win by joining and agreeing with them. I refuse to attack myself or abuse others. I will not displace the criticism and blame that rightfully belongs to them onto myself or current people in my life. “I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself”. - Jane Eyre

ENDANGERMENT ATTACKS

10. Drasticizing/Catastrophizing/Hypochondrisizing - I feel afraid but I am not in danger. I am not “in trouble” with my parents. I will not blow things out of proportion. I refuse to scare myself with thoughts and pictures of my life deteriorating. No more home-made horror movies and disaster flicks.

11. Negative focus - I renounce over-noticing & dwelling on what might be wrong with me or life around me. I will not minimize or discount my attributes. Right now, I notice, visualize and enumerate my accomplishments, talents and qualities, as well as the many gifts Life offers me, e.g., friends, nature, music, film, food, beauty, color, pets, etc.

12. Time Urgency - I am not in danger. I do not need to rush. I will not hurry unless it is a true emergency. I am learning to enjoy doing my daily activities at a relaxed pace.

13. Disabling Performance Anxiety - I reduce procrastination by reminding myself that I will not accept unfair criticism or perfectionist expectations from anyone. Even when afraid, I will defend myself from unfair criticism. I won’t let fear make my decisions.

14. Perseverating About Being Attacked Unless there are clear signs of danger - I will thought-stop my projection of past bully/critics onto others. The vast majority of my fellow human beings are peaceful people. I have legal authorities to aid in my protection if threatened by the few who aren’t. I invoke thoughts and images of my friends’ love and support.

From Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker, find Pete Walker pete-walker.com  

[freespirit]

Hello bpdfamily  

I have recently reached the core layer of my cptsd. Every time I reach a new level of self empowerment I always get "tested" to see if this new level is really something I am wanting. I call this phenomena the Guardian of the Threshold.

The Guardian of the Threshold is showing up for me at the moment via an increase in inner critic attacks. For example, I shared a photo of myself online and a good friend commented on it, the inner critic attack went something like, "She only commented on your photo because she felt sorry for you, because only one other person commented on it, because you are such a loser, she is not your friend really"

This feels like gas lighting to me. I am uncovering that gas lighting was a major factor for me growing up. Deconstructing this flashback I can see that I am afraid the connection is one sided, that I am kidding myself it is equal and reciprocal (even though when I get out of my head and into my body, it feels equal and reciprocal).

I now understand this is because growing up this is exactly how it was for me, one sided and none reciprocal. I had to "kid" myself into believing that my parents loved me back, even though their actions towards me proved otherwise.

Today I am coming to see that this oppression is coming from within me, and I am asking myself the question, where in my life I'm I oppressing myself? #DivineMasculine #DivineFeminine balance.

"Shame can't survive being spoken. Shame needs 3 things to survive: secrecy, silence and judgment."
- Brene Brown.

you, Inner Critic!  

Here is the list of 14 common inner critic attacks divided into the key categories of perfectionism and endangerment. Each is paired with a healthier (and typically more accurate) thought-substitution response.

PERFECTIONISM ATTACKS

1. Perfectionism - My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved.

2. All-or-None & Black-and-White Thinking - I reject extreme or overgeneralized descriptions, judgments or criticisms. One negative happenstance does not mean I am stuck in a never-ending pattern of defeat. Statements that describe me as “always” or “never” this or that, are typically grossly inaccurate.

3. Self-Hate, Self-Disgust & Toxic Shame - I commit to myself. I am on my side. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I turn shame back into blame and disgust, and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings and foibles. As long as I am not hurting anyone, I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger, sadness, fear and depression. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit.

4. Micromanagement/Worrying/Obsessing/
Looping/ Over-Futurizing - I will not repetitively examine details over and over. I will not jump to negative conclusions. I will not endlessly second-guess myself. I cannot change the past. I forgive all my past mistakes. I cannot make the future perfectly safe. I will stop hunting for what could go wrong. I will not try to control the uncontrollable. I will not micromanage myself or others. I work in a way that is “good enough”, and I accept the existential fact that my efforts sometimes bring desired results and sometimes they do not. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” - The Serenity Prayer

5. Unfair/Devaluing Comparisons To others or to one’s most perfect moments - I refuse to compare myself unfavorably to others. I will not compare “my insides to their outsides”. I will not judge myself for not being at peak performance all the time. In a society that pressure us into acting happy all the time, I will not get down on myself for feeling bad.

6. Guilt Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty - I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”.

7. "Shoulding” - I will substitute the words “want to” for “should” and only follow this imperative if it feels like I want to, unless I am under legal, ethical or moral obligation.

8. Overproductivity/Workaholism/Busyholism - I am a human being not a human doing. I will not choose to be perpetually productive. I am more productive in the long run, when I balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform at 100% all the time. I subscribe to the normalcy of vacillating along a continuum of efficiency.

9. Harsh Judgments of Self & Others/Name-Calling - I will not let the bullies and critics of my early life win by joining and agreeing with them. I refuse to attack myself or abuse others. I will not displace the criticism and blame that rightfully belongs to them onto myself or current people in my life. “I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself”. - Jane Eyre

ENDANGERMENT ATTACKS

10. Drasticizing/Catastrophizing/Hypochondrisizing - I feel afraid but I am not in danger. I am not “in trouble” with my parents. I will not blow things out of proportion. I refuse to scare myself with thoughts and pictures of my life deteriorating. No more home-made horror movies and disaster flicks.

11. Negative focus - I renounce over-noticing & dwelling on what might be wrong with me or life around me. I will not minimize or discount my attributes. Right now, I notice, visualize and enumerate my accomplishments, talents and qualities, as well as the many gifts Life offers me, e.g., friends, nature, music, film, food, beauty, color, pets, etc.

12. Time Urgency - I am not in danger. I do not need to rush. I will not hurry unless it is a true emergency. I am learning to enjoy doing my daily activities at a relaxed pace.

13. Disabling Performance Anxiety - I reduce procrastination by reminding myself that I will not accept unfair criticism or perfectionist expectations from anyone. Even when afraid, I will defend myself from unfair criticism. I won’t let fear make my decisions.

14. Perseverating About Being Attacked Unless there are clear signs of danger - I will thought-stop my projection of past bully/critics onto others. The vast majority of my fellow human beings are peaceful people. I have legal authorities to aid in my protection if threatened by the few who aren’t. I invoke thoughts and images of my friends’ love and support.

From Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker, find Pete Walker pete-walker.com  

[Kwamina]

Hi freespirit

Thanks for bringing Pete Walker's inner critic attacks under everyone attention again  I think his work has great value for children who suffered childhood abuse and have been traumatized as a result of what they've been through.

Today I am coming to see that this oppression is coming from within me, and I am asking myself the question, where in my life I'm I oppressing myself?

Can you answer your own question for yourself? In which areas do you feel like you might be oppressing yourself and why do you think you do that?

The Board Parrot

[Panda39]

Hi Freespirit,

I feel a little out of place posting here because I don't have c-ptsd or even a BPDmom but I resemble some of these for sure. 

I recognize my inner critic in the Perfectionism category big time.  I understand a lot of the items listed there better these days but they occasionally can still pop up when just the right button is pushed.

The whole thing is about being good enough for someone else (in my case my critical mom), of trying to fulfill someone else's idea of who you should be, what is good, what is smart, what is acceptable.

It has taken me time but I finally realized I am perfect just the way I am with all my imperfections, that I can be loved as I am, and I am loved as my authentic self.  The whole world does not have the same opinion of me that my mother does.

I recognize the black and white thinking... .this is one I still struggle with it can be a reflex but, am better at recognizing when I'm doing it... .I can often do this at work in particular.  If I'm able to see it I can curb this kind of thing and sometimes I will check in with others around me who are more flexible to make sure I'm not being too inflexible.  For me the black and white thinking is tied to poor self-esteem... .I have to be "right" to feel good about myself.  I have discovered that there is much in between what I once thought of as "right" and "wrong" and my "right" and "wrong" can be very different from someone else's.

Worrying about the future... .yep, I can go there too, it's about control that circles back around to being perfect.

I used to live in a "should" world, but what about what I wanted?  "Should" and "want to"... .being conflicted in between those two things is excruciating for me, being there could literally cause me to have a temper tantrum like a 2 year old.  Recognizing that place... .that conflict, was huge for me.  I have made a conscious decision that when I get stuck between what I "should do" and what "I want to do", I will always choose what I want to do.  It removes the dilemma and I am choosing what will make me happier.  I often do what I should but I also do what I want... .there needs to be a balance there.

I recognize the workaholic... .tied to "shoulds", tied to lack of trust in others/being self-sufficient, tied to my self esteem... .circling right back around to being perfect to prove I am worthy.

Interesting stuff to think about.  I appreciate you sharing all of the Pete Walker information. 

Panda39

[freespirit]

Hi freespirit

Can you answer your own question for yourself? In which areas do you feel like you might be oppressing yourself and why do you think you do that?

The Board Parrot

Hi Parrot, 

Thank you for your question. The area I feel I might be oppressing myself in at the moment is giving myself permission to bring all of myself to this life.

This was the insight that came through for me yesterday before I saw your question ~

#ThePhoenixKnows we must bring ALL of ourselves to life. #MyResilientHeart positive "I" statement ~ I invite myself to birth ALL of ME into this life.

How are the inner critic attacks showing up for you in your in your life at the moment, Kwamina?

 

[Kwamina]

Thank you for your question. The area I feel I might be oppressing myself in at the moment is giving myself permission to bring all of myself to this life.

Why do you think this is? Were you perhaps not allowed by others to show or be all of you in the past?

How are the inner critic attacks showing up for you in your in your life at the moment, Kwamina?

Two things I am mindful of are number 4 (Micromanagement/Worrying/Obsessing/
Looping/ Over-Futurizing) and number 12 (Time Urgency). It helps to keep reminding myself to let go of the things I cannot control and focus on the things I can control.

[Harri]

The area I feel I might be oppressing myself in at the moment is giving myself permission to bring all of myself to this life.

Which parts of your Self are you suppressing?

[JNChell]

Hi again, freespirit. Oh, our old friend. The inner critic. Another reactive go-to. I’m getting better at silencing my inner critic. I’m not saying I’m good at it, just getting better. Sometimes I just tell it to shut up when I know that I should have a conversation with it and tell it the reasons why it is no longer welcome here. Baby steps. There’s a lot of work to do and a lot of areas to manage when it comes to complex trauma.

You’ve been doing a lot of work out of Pete Walker’s book. That’s great! I’ve read some on his site. His book is on my shelf, but I’ve yet to crack the cover. I spend a lot of time here so I’m familiar with him. I should probably read the book. You think?

I now understand this is because growing up this is exactly how it was for me, one sided and none reciprocal. I had to "kid" myself into believing that my parents loved me back, even though their actions towards me proved otherwise.

This really hits a chord with me. It’s a wise observation. We had to love our parents. They were what we had to look up to. To learn from. We needed them to show us when we were being good and when we were being bad. We were children. We needed them to teach us. Well, we were taught. Luckily, we’re some of the ones that recognize that we need to be untaught this garbage so it doesn’t move forward anymore.


"Shame can't survive being spoken. Shame needs 3 things to survive: secrecy, silence and judgment."
- Brene Brown.

I’m glad that you’ve discovered Brene Brown. My sister, who is a PhD psychologist (sorry, very proud of my Sis) and my psychologist love her. I do as well. She’s a real blessing.

[freespirit]

Hi bpdfamily  

I have had a very challenging week in the remembering phase of recovery. I woke up this morning in an inner critic attack induced emotional flashback around how I handled a particularly challenging flashback I had yesterday.

Basically, I am very raw at the moment and I engaged in a triggering mental processes, and then sought support in an "unsafe relationship", then of course their response exacerbated the flashback. #LessonLearned  

I think the inner critic doesn't allow me to have a recovery process, and shames me for my trauma response of normal feelings like anger, sadness, fear and depression.

My recovery educated daughter was wonderful, and helped me talk and feel my way through the flashback. #Gratitude  

Kwamina You asked " Were you perhaps not allowed by others to show or be all of you in the past?"

This time last year I uncovered that I didn't have permission to exist. So yes, you are exactly right with this.

Harri You asked " Which parts of your Self are you suppressing? "

I would say its my most vulnerable authentic in the moment parts.

Thank you for sharing JNChell You said - "Sometimes I just tell it to shut up when I know that I should have a conversation with it and tell it the reasons why it is no longer welcome here."

That's exactly what I did this morning before I even got out of bed, I told it to shut the   up, and that that   wasn't happening today!  

You said " I should probably read the book. You think? " YES! , then we can have more Pete Walker recovery conversations like this one!  

You said - "I’m glad that you’ve discovered Brene Brown. My sister, who is a PhD psychologist (sorry, very proud of my Sis) and my psychologist love her. I do as well. She’s a real blessing."

This is wonderful, and I agree, she is so heart centered and real  

[Kwamina]

Hi freespirit

You had a tough week, but i'm glad you got through it, also with some help from The Cosmic Kitty  

I think the inner critic doesn't allow me to have a recovery process

I think you might be right about this because the more you heal and recover, the less of a hold will the inner critic be able to have on you. So you could say that the inner critic is fighting for his/her own survival by trying to stop you from healing and recovering. Your healing and recovery are an existential threat to the inner critic.

This time last year I uncovered that I didn't have permission to exist. So yes, you are exactly right with this.

How did this realization make you feel last year? How does it make you feel now?

The Board Parrot

[freespirit]

Hi Panda39

You said - "I recognize my inner critic in the Perfectionism category big time."

I can also relate to this. 

"The whole thing is about being good enough for someone else (in my case my critical mom), of trying to fulfill someone else's idea of who you should be, what is good, what is smart, what is acceptable."

This is a wonderful insightful.

"It has taken me time but I finally realized I am perfect just the way I am with all my imperfections, that I can be loved as I am, and I am loved as my authentic self.  The whole world does not have the same opinion of me that my mother does."

This is incredible recovery work, thank you for sharing

[freespirit]

Hi Kwamina  

You said - "You had a tough week, but i'm glad you got through it, also with some help from The Cosmic Kitty"

Yes, God bless The Cosmic Kitty I am blessed by her presence in my life, and yours, and everyone here at bpdfamily     #Gratitude  

You said - "I think you might be right about this because the more you heal and recover, the less of a hold will the inner critic be able to have on you. So you could say that the inner critic is fighting for his/her own survival by trying to stop you from healing and recovering. Your healing and recovery are an existential threat to the inner critic."

I love these kinds of recovery conversations. Thank you for sharing your insights, for sure, you are right about this.

I said - "This time last year I uncovered that I didn't have permission to exist. So yes, you are exactly right with this"

You said - "How did this realization make you feel last year? How does it make you feel now?"

Thank you for your question. It hit me hard. I went into shock. It effected me strongly physically. I couldn't eat or drink very much for a few days. I felt the emotional pain of it extremely intensely in my body, it was a very somatic in nature. It felt like a death.

Your question guided my thoughts in connecting the dots... .I can now see that my father trying to blow me and my family up, and the message I got from my BPD/npd hybrid mother that I did not have permission to exist are very similar.

[Kwamina]

Your question guided my thoughts in connecting the dots... .I can now see that my father trying to blow me and my family up, and the message I got from my BPD/npd hybrid mother that I did not have permission to exist are very similar.

Yes, indeed. Your father was quite literally trying to blow you all out of physical existence while your mother's treatment of you was like a denial of your spiritual existence. In both cases, your true existence was under severe assault so I too can see a connection here.

When you are not allowed to be and exist as the person you really are, that to me indeed constitues a spiritual death. You may have numbed or put away those feelings for a long time, but after coming to the realization that you were not allowed to exist, you felt the spiritual pain on a deep level. A spiritual death... .which is now followed by a spiritual re-awakening as Cosmic The Cat  

The Board Parrot aka Captain Red Beak!

[freespirit]

Kwamina You said -

"Yes, indeed. Your father was quite literally trying to blow you all out of physical existence while your mother's treatment of you was like a denial of your spiritual existence. In both cases, your true existence was under severe assault so I too can see a connection here."

Thank you for reflecting this back to me, for helping me gain clarity. I can see now that this is where my perfectionism has been coming from, and why I have been so terrified of allowing myself to be loved.

PERFECTIONISM ATTACKS

"1. Perfectionism - My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved." - Pete Walker.

"When you are not allowed to be and exist as the person you really are, that to me indeed constitues a spiritual death. You may have numbed or put away those feelings for a long time, but after coming to the realization that you were not allowed to exist, you felt the spiritual pain on a deep level. A spiritual death... .which is now followed by a spiritual re-awakening as Cosmic The Cat"

This explains why all my meditations this week have felt like I was literally giving birth to myself.   

#MyResilientHeart positive I statement - I allow myself to be loved