How do we silence the inner critic

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Critic. It almost has a folklorish sound to it. Critic. How do we silence this voice that battles us daily? It’s not who we are. It’s a voice telling us things. It’s our wiring.

I’ve been paying attention to this in myself. It’s really something to have realized just how much I put myself down on a daily basis. I’ll do something wrong at work and call myself a moron or a dumb . instead of taking the situation lightly. I’m to the point where I can do it after the fact, but I’m not there in real time.

Our inner critics were gifted to us. How have you managed to silence your’s?

This is taught behavior. Taught thinking.

[JNChell]

Critic. It almost has a folklorish sound to it. Critic. How do we silence this voice that battles us daily? It’s not who we are. It’s a voice telling us things. It’s our wiring.

I’ve been paying attention to this in myself. It’s really something to have realized just how much I put myself down on a daily basis. I’ll do something wrong at work and call myself a moron or a dumb . instead of taking the situation lightly. I’m to the point where I can do it after the fact, but I’m not there in real time.

Our inner critics were gifted to us. How have you managed to silence your’s?

This is taught behavior. Taught thinking.

[hope2727]

I happen to teach this concept to little kids. We have a picture of their inner critic and inner coach whispering in each ear. we colour a big stop sign over the critic and write a ton of positive messages from the coach. Then when they need to they can go read their positive reminders. Kind of silly but effective in kids.

[JNChell]

That’s pretty awesome hope2727! Kids are the best. How about you? I remember you being here and active when I first arrived.

[zachira]

How do we silence the inner critic? There are many ways to do so, and many members will have valuable experiences to share with you. For me, it helps to remember that there are many parts to us, and the people who have integrated all their parts usually see themselves realistically, and have pretty good self esteem. In dysfunctional families, the negative is emphasized and the unhappy members of the family project their unwanted parts onto others. A good question to ask, is what part of me is allowing me to emphasize the negative, and what purpose is this serving? A lot of times, we allow the negative feelings, as a way to protect ourselves from feeling all the pain underneath, that comes from years of denying all the overwhelming feelings that have not been processed. I take time on most days from 30-60 minutes to observe my feelings before any feeling becomes too overwhelming. Posting here about feelings when they come up, can be a great way to process feelings. There is no such thing as too many posts. Do post about the things that are going well, in addition to the ongoing challenges, as sharing successes and getting recognition for them can be a valuable exercise in diffusing the power of the inner critic.

[Skip]

I happen to teach this concept to little kids. We have a picture of their inner critic and inner coach whispering in each ear. we colour a big stop sign over the critic and write a ton of positive messages from the coach. Then when they need to they can go read their positive reminders. Kind of silly but effective in kids.

I like this imagery.

JNChell, our inner critic is a very important part of our self-awareness. We all wear masks to other people, we don't want to wear masks to ourself - our inner critic is a look at the person behind  the mask.

I don't think "inner critic" is the issue... .I think it is more about nurturing a constructive, honest and balanced inner critic - coach is a nice image for this.

Where this goes awry is when we have struggle with cognitive distortions (like in the case of depression), where our inner voice is distorted.

One of the best exercises I have found is to envision yourself as the inner critic of some members here. Ask yourself, how would an honest, and constructive critic view their story. Work on doing this until you feel you can see the pros and cons with balance and perspective and draw constructive conclusions from those perspectives.

Then try it on yourself.

[hope2727]

That’s pretty awesome hope2727! Kids are the best. How about you? I remember you being here and active when I first arrived.

Hello again and thanks for asking.  I still pop in but life is ridiculously busy. Finishing a degree, completing and internship and a fellowship, working, and renovating a home so life is full to say the least.   I still come here for a booster shot of courage and to support others if I can.

As for the inner critic, well remember that we should be nicer to ourselves than anyone else is. After all we with ourselves 24/7. Another one we do with the kids is a picture of a train and they write what makes them a great person/friend etc. Then we pass the sheets down and each kid writes something great about each of the other kids. When you get your "thought train" back it is full of your and everyone else's thoughts on what makes you so great. We often also include messages from the inner coach like "good try give it another shot" or "Wow you are really trying hard keep going!" The kids love them. Maybe we should all do a thought train.

I'll write on your train for you JNChell ... ."Its ok to make mistakes thats how you are learning!" and "Great attempt you are so courageous for trying something challenging." "Keep working on it!" "No one is good at everything but everyone is good at something."

The kids love those. They keep the picture to read when they are discouraged.

[JNChell]

Skip, thank you very much for the insight. I think I see what you’re saying.

One of the best exercises I have found is to envision yourself as the inner critic of some members here. Ask yourself, how would an honest, and constructive critic view their story.

I would embrace them with concern. I’d do my best to meet them where they are. I’d try to help in the best way that I know how.

[JNChell]

Thanks for writing on my train hope2727. It’s good graffiti. I’m glad to hear that you’re busy and serving the children well. Kudos.

[Mutt]

Where this goes awry is when we have struggle with cognitive distortions (like in the case of depression), where our inner voice is distorted.

For me these voices got more under control when I started to really treat my depression I was on anti-depressants when I was in my twenties but I rejected it I thought that I didn't need it I didn't have the same awareness back then these voices can really cause you a lot distress. Also like the others have said some times I will catch myself in real time some times I'll catch it later but I try to balance my negatives thoughts with positive ones. It's like zachira said I didn't realize the impact of the surrounding in my childhood was, I let go of a lot of negavtivity that my dad had towards me, it really felt good to let that go, it's not a realistic picture of someone if we focus all on one thing we're much more complicated then that.

[schwing]

For me, it helps to identify when an inner voice is being critical in a "fixed" mindset or in a "growth" mindset.  That is, is this inner voice telling me something something about myself that is unchanging and fixed (like, I am no good at such and such) or is this voice telling me something about myself that I have the opportunity to improve or grow.

I don't think being criticized is bad in an of itself.  How we are criticized (or criticize ourselves) can either shut us down, or else open us up.

And to answer JNChell's question, I've found that putting in the time and effort to replace an "inner critic's" voice with an "inner coach's" voice has been helpful.  The voice you practice more, will be the voice that wins out.  For a lot of us, the fixed mindset inner critic is one that has had a lot of practice.  Perhaps so much so that it comes almost second nature.

So when I'm trying to limit the influence of the fixed mindset inner critic, every time I think or feel something that connects to that voice, I replace that voice.  Maybe I might even say out loud the antidote to that message.  So a message like: "I'm not a people person, so I shouldn't try talking to other people" needs to be antidoted with "I want to be better at socializing, this is a goal I have for myself and I am going to be my best cheerleader at this endeavor regardless of how others react to my missteps."  With enough practice, I will become better at... .fill in the blank.

So with enough practice, my inner critic will become my personal life coach.

[once removed]

I think it is more about nurturing a constructive, honest and balanced inner critic - coach is a nice image for this.

Where this goes awry is when we have struggle with cognitive distortions (like in the case of depression), where our inner voice is distorted.

on one hand, my inner critic is a good judge of my best work, and one i trust a lot. it tells me "you can do better" or  "good enough", or "great". it tells me when ive hurt someone and guides me in how i might make amends.

and sometimes it can be an intrusive bully. tells me im being awkward, or trying too hard, analyzes words i say, suggests to me ways that other people might be judging me, that sort of thing. its overbearing and just barges in.

its only recently that ive ever tried responding to it. im new to the concept, and wouldnt necessarily recommend it to everyone, but ive started talking back to it.

"there you go again"
"who invited you?"
"geez you are a downer"
"no one even thinks that way but you"

i speak to it with a particular voice of my own, one that doesnt shrink at all that negative talk. i find that it helps. the distortions back off.  

[JNChell]

Thanks, everyone. I’m going to take a minute here,