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Author Topic: In the space of a year and a half I lost them both completely from my life...  (Read 219 times)
dancer18

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« on: October 24, 2018, 05:46:22 PM »

Hello!
I'm 19 years old and this is my first time sharing with an online community. I've realised recently that I really need outside support in my life when it comes to my mental and emotional health.
I have a BPD Father and a BPD sister. In the space of a year and a half I lost them both completely from my life.
Which leaves me and my mum. I was diagnosed with OCD 4 years ago and my mum has Complex PTSD.

We have been through an awful lot together and not one bit of it has been easy. My mum at the moment is currently struggling deeply with her mental health. I want to be my best self to support her, she deserves it. But at the same time I find the situation to be triggering for my own mental health and anxiety. As I am not the most stable myself.

I've joined the BPD Family Forum because I think its going to be really beneficially for me to have somewhere I can go for support and to have a platform to share on.

Thankyou

Dancer18
« Last Edit: October 25, 2018, 07:21:11 PM by Harri, Reason: titling according to Guideline 1.5 » Logged
Harri
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« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2018, 07:25:48 PM »

Hi dancer18 and welcome to the board.  I am glad you found us though i am sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

I am glad to hear that you have a supportive mother and are both helping each other.  It is excellent though that you recognize the need to practice good self care.  A lot of us here struggle with anxiety so you definitely are not alone.

I hope you settle in, keep sharing and jump into other threads that speak to you.  It is important that you build a bigger support network and we all learn a lot by interacting with each other.

Again, it is good to have you here.
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     everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. ~ Viktor Frankl
Turkish
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« Reply #2 on: October 26, 2018, 12:34:57 AM »

Hi dancer18,

Welcome!

I'm glad that you reached out to us  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

What happened that resulted in you losing both your father and your sister? I hope to hear more and how best we can support you. 

T
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Kwamina
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« Reply #3 on: October 26, 2018, 01:59:42 AM »

Hi dancer18 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I'm joining the beagle and wolf in welcoming you to our online community Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Having multiple BPD family-members can be a very challenging thing to deal with.

When you say you lost both of them completely from your life in the space of a year and a half, could you elaborate on what transpired?

I am glad you do have your mom in your life, yet I can see how this whole situation would affect you both. Many of our members have struggled with issues in their adult lives as a result of what they've been through with their BPD family-members.

You mention being diagnosed with OCD 4 years ago, how have you been coping with that?

In what ways do you feel that you're not the most stable yourself? Are you talking about your OCD or perhaps also other issues?

Take care and I too hope to read more of your story later Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

The Board Parrot
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dancer18

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« Reply #4 on: October 26, 2018, 02:37:31 PM »

Hi, I'm so grateful for these replies. I feel really welcomed, thankyou Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Regarding losing my sister and father... Well I never had an easy journey or relationship with my sister.
She was very controlling and manipulative and treated me as a burden.
She was actually in control of the family dynamic/over powered my parents. Which isn't the way its meant to be.
Of course none of us knew this when I was younger, but I always knew something wrong was going on. So I grew up with resentment towards my sister. (Which I have no cleared and let go off.)
5 years ago, my mum and I began to put recovery and inner well being as our main priority. My sister made it very clear she did not want to do the same. We had to set boundaries with her to keep our self safe emotionally.
My sister also admitted that she did not love us and she always thought she was better than us. (me, my father and mum.)
This in turn resulted in my sister choosing to live without us.

My mum and father are separated and the story with him isn't much different. He refuses to put any work or effort into making our relationships work or healing our past wounds and he'd rather walk out of our lives. So that is whats happening.

Regarding my OCD... Overall I would say I'm managing my OCD great. But I do have dips in my mental health when I'm tried, stressed or too busy (which seems to be frequent.)
Especially if I get triggered with trauma or if I have an emotional flashback, that sets me off into a loop. But I've gotten good at defusing my mind when I'm triggered.
I'd say that where I feel unstable is mainly emotionally speaking. Sometimes I feel so fragile and I can become overwhelmed easily.

Thankyou everyone for your words of kindest. I'm glad to be here With affection (click to insert in post)

Dancer18
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Harri
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« Reply #5 on: October 26, 2018, 03:05:07 PM »

Hi Dancer!

I am so sorry for what you went through with your sister and father.  Losing them is a big loss indeed.
 
Excerpt
I'd say that where I feel unstable is mainly emotionally speaking. Sometimes I feel so fragile and I can become overwhelmed easily.
This, as uncomfortable and troubling as it is, makes sense to me.  Learning to manage emotionally like you have is good as is talking about it all, which can be done here.  Reaching out to others can also help with this.  As you help others you help yourself too.  It helps to see that others are dealing with similar emotional struggles and seeing how they cope.  It also helps to give input in another persons situation as you work on your own.

We do have tools that can help to keep you centered and help you strengthen yourself emotionally.  One in particular I am thinking of is:  Triggering, Mindfulness and Wise Mind

Let me know what you think.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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     everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. ~ Viktor Frankl
JNChell
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« Reply #6 on: October 26, 2018, 07:24:08 PM »

Hello, dancer18, and welcome. With what you’ve stated thus far, I’m glad that you found this community. It’s a great place and I hope that you’ll stay with us. This place is peer based, and we all help each other here. We’re all at different points in our journey, but the support and knowledge is very solid.

Your situation sounds tiring and stressful. I imagine that it’s hard to be in a split situation when it comes to your family members.

It’s great that you and your mom decided to take the proper steps towards healing 5 years ago. How did that come about? Are the two of you in therapy together/separately?

my mum has Complex PTSD.

dancer18, a few of us here have the same thing. Perhaps we can give a little advice here and there to help you out.





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« Reply #7 on: October 26, 2018, 07:59:13 PM »

Hi  dancer18,

I'd like to join the others and say welcome  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I'm sorry to hear about what is going on in your family, I'm glad you and your mom have each other.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) Now you have us too  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I would imagine there are a lot of mixed feelings around your dad and sister leaving one of which is likely grief.  Grief that they have chosen to leave and grief about the mental illness that is so much a part of them leaving. I wanted to share a link to more on Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One.  I don't share this to make you more sad, but share it so you can see that others have experienced similar things and that you aren't alone.  I share this so you have an awareness of what grief is and the various stages you might go through (in no particular order and you may move between them), this information might also help in terms of recognizing where your mom might be in terms of this too.

I hope this helps...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272538.0

Keep us posted on how you're doing.
Take Care,
Panda39
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Woolspinner2000
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« Reply #8 on: October 26, 2018, 09:07:17 PM »

Hi dancer18Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Just wanted to join all the others and send you a big welcome! I think you'll find lots of understanding here.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Wools
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« Reply #9 on: October 27, 2018, 01:20:19 PM »

Hello there!

I wanted to link this thread for you:  Acceptance, when our parent has BPD

No rush to reply or even read right now.  Just know it is here for you.
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     everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. ~ Viktor Frankl
dancer18

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« Reply #10 on: November 07, 2018, 05:11:50 PM »

Hello everyone Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Again I want to say thank you so much to each and everyone of you. I'm really feeling the love and support vibrating from you guys and that's been so lovely for me.

I want to apologise for taking a little while to reply. I've had so much going on, its been a very hectic couple of weeks for myself with college, work, my dancing and shows coming up.

In response to how my mum and I began our recovery journey...
My mum and I have never attended therapy. Although when I was first diagnosed with OCD I did receive some CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) for that.

My mum has been recovery focused since I was 6 years old and that grew stronger as I grew older. When I was 14 yrs old that's when everything in the family of origin kinda 'kicked off' for real. My parents were officially split. - My father living with another woman. And my sister was living with him.
I was having a real tough time at secondary school and that only got harder.

My mum did her own research, and along the way found people like Brene Brown, Eckhart Tolle and Pete Walker who are all actively in recovery from trauma and dysfunction.
When my mum did the work, I did the work right along side her. But it wasn't without struggle. My mum had to set boundaries with me the same way we both did with my father and sister.
She set an example for me. The boundary was to no longer allow old patterns of dysfunction to continue in our relationship.
This was real hard for a few years. I was constantly meeting resistance within myself, because I didn't want to do the inner work.
I mean I did want to do it because I knew I needed to and it would lead to a better life, But I didn't want to do it, because doing the work meant feeling the pain, and that felt like too big a burden to bare.)

We both have grown a ridiculous amount and I am super proud of us.

Boundaries is definitely the thing which motivated me to get responsible for myself and begin my recovery journey.

 Way to go! (click to insert in post) With affection (click to insert in post)

Thankyou 
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Woolspinner2000
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« Reply #11 on: November 07, 2018, 07:10:11 PM »

Dancer18,

It's so nice to hear from you.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) School will keep you super busy along with all the other activities you are involved in, and it sounds like you have a lot going on!

I think you were/are very brave to work on the hard things in your life, especially when you were younger. It takes a lot of courage to face the pain and fear, and I always tell a young person that I admire them so much for working on their "stuff" so early in their life. I waited until my children were nearly all grown up before I started. I think you have a lot of self awareness to see that you had hurts to work through. Keep going strong!

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Wools

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There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
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« Reply #12 on: November 09, 2018, 08:00:41 AM »

Dancer18,

I want to echo Wools, your doing an awesome job...processing things, working on things, and facing things.  It's excellent that it's all out in the open, that you aren't stuffing your feelings.  Stuffing and ignoring those feelings only puts off the inevitable...they all just surface later.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

You and your mom sound like quite the team! And you my dear are doing just what you should...busy with school, work, and dancing.  In spite of all the things that have gone on in your family or maybe even because of them, you are moving forward in a healthier way.  It hasn't been easy but what's great is that you can see your own hard work, your progress, and appreciate it.  Life's a journey and from where I'm sitting your's is going in a good direction.

Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
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