It may not have been a discard yet I freaked out

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’d been close with pwBPD for about three years now. We’d been back and forth about dating until recently. I noticed the closer we got, the more he would do the whole push/pull. Three months ago he had a lot of stress in his life and going through some changes in his life  so it was hard to even see him, or he started having outbursts than go silent for a week. Each time I pulled him out of it by casually reaching it and he’d act like nothin happened.

Recently he went no contact for several weeks. It was a day after I told him some hesistations I had about going forward with a relationship (communication stuff and him going silent for a week and being back and forth). I told him how hurt I felt but was willing to work with it. He agreed and apologized even said he’d try to come over the next day. He never did. He stopped responding to me. I kept reaching out weekly and nothing. Several weeks later when i finally got in touch. He raged and was talking nonsense about how busy he was, how I disrupted him, how he doesn’t know what I want. I was stunned, hurt and totally shocked. I was thinking here I was worrying something happened to him or confused why he was avoiding me. He never emphasized.

I wonder if it was even a discard because he acted like he would have gotten back to me eventually in how he exaggerated my reach outs even though I felt ghosted  “you keep reaching out and calling out of the blue. If I’m busy I’ll get back to you. No need to be all up on me” Anyway, was this a discard? He said he would have gotten back to me but what was I supposed to do, wait months.

Also, the main  problem is after he lashed out, I took it very personally and I couldn’t control my own emotions. I kept defending myself, and apologizing. The more I did that, the more dismissive he got, hence, more I freaked out and blew up myself. It got to the point he asked me what’s the point of closure and how he doenst feel like having a relationship with anybody. And I felt so confused that I brought out his body issues, and how unstable and unsafe he came across.

I told him how scary his outburst was and how  would make any woman feel unsafe. I feel regretful about the body image comment I made. I told him out of anger that he focused too much on body image which I felt made him insecure about everything. I said that before blocking. When I apologized later, he seemed back and forth about me until he cut ties and said he didn’t want to talk anymore due to my message, he stonewalled me, even though the message can from weeks of being ignored, his rage at the end and feeling disoriented by it all.  It’s like, I know he was treating me unfairly but my guilt over my own reactions  has heightened my stress and anxiety over this.
 
Basically I feel a lot of it is my fault for my overreactions, i’m feeling out of place and down a lot and I do feel confused if he was actually discarding me. I wonder if there is a chance to work this out in the future, he wouldn’t emphasize with me now but can this ever blow over? He seemed he couldn’t forget about my harsh comments after my his explosion.

[Yellowpearl]

I’d been close with pwBPD for about three years now. We’d been back and forth about dating until recently. I noticed the closer we got, the more he would do the whole push/pull. Three months ago he had a lot of stress in his life and going through some changes in his life  so it was hard to even see him, or he started having outbursts than go silent for a week. Each time I pulled him out of it by casually reaching it and he’d act like nothin happened.

Recently he went no contact for several weeks. It was a day after I told him some hesistations I had about going forward with a relationship (communication stuff and him going silent for a week and being back and forth). I told him how hurt I felt but was willing to work with it. He agreed and apologized even said he’d try to come over the next day. He never did. He stopped responding to me. I kept reaching out weekly and nothing. Several weeks later when i finally got in touch. He raged and was talking nonsense about how busy he was, how I disrupted him, how he doesn’t know what I want. I was stunned, hurt and totally shocked. I was thinking here I was worrying something happened to him or confused why he was avoiding me. He never emphasized.

I wonder if it was even a discard because he acted like he would have gotten back to me eventually in how he exaggerated my reach outs even though I felt ghosted  “you keep reaching out and calling out of the blue. If I’m busy I’ll get back to you. No need to be all up on me” Anyway, was this a discard? He said he would have gotten back to me but what was I supposed to do, wait months.

Also, the main  problem is after he lashed out, I took it very personally and I couldn’t control my own emotions. I kept defending myself, and apologizing. The more I did that, the more dismissive he got, hence, more I freaked out and blew up myself. It got to the point he asked me what’s the point of closure and how he doenst feel like having a relationship with anybody. And I felt so confused that I brought out his body issues, and how unstable and unsafe he came across.

I told him how scary his outburst was and how  would make any woman feel unsafe. I feel regretful about the body image comment I made. I told him out of anger that he focused too much on body image which I felt made him insecure about everything. I said that before blocking. When I apologized later, he seemed back and forth about me until he cut ties and said he didn’t want to talk anymore due to my message, he stonewalled me, even though the message can from weeks of being ignored, his rage at the end and feeling disoriented by it all.  It’s like, I know he was treating me unfairly but my guilt over my own reactions  has heightened my stress and anxiety over this.
 
Basically I feel a lot of it is my fault for my overreactions, i’m feeling out of place and down a lot and I do feel confused if he was actually discarding me. I wonder if there is a chance to work this out in the future, he wouldn’t emphasize with me now but can this ever blow over? He seemed he couldn’t forget about my harsh comments after my his explosion.

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[once removed]

hi Yellowpearl, and

can this ever blow over?

youve known each other for three years, so i think it can, but i do think youre right that things came to a head and exploded. it may take some time for the ice to thaw.

how long ago was the last exchange between the two of you?

[Yellowpearl]

That's what I was thinking - that it could blow over since we knew each other for 3 years and we never had an explosion like this, just a few mood issues but nothing crazy and we got along well. I guess it may take some time. It's been a month since no contact, we blocked each other.

The thing is when it happened, I kept trying to fix it, and he was still hurt by my message and unwilling to see his role in it. I think when I apologized he was already done since I said I blocked him and he likely thought "oh she is apologizing so what she said was bad." I also think in those weeks he wasn't speaking, I overpursued. I thought it was interesting how when I pushed, he said he didn't want to invest in a relationship I wonder if my anxiety led to that. He seemed willing to meet up perhaps if I gave it space, until he got really stressed by my calls and had the meltdown and said to be honest i don't want to be with anyone.

I'm wondering now how can this blow over without seeming pushy or being in a position he could be like "Stay away from me!" I mean I called out his body image insecurity and called him unstable and he doesn't realize why. So i'm guessing it would take many months. I just don't know how to handle this.

[once removed]

i might recommend unblocking him, and im not sure it wouldnt hurt to apologize.

its not a guarantee. but it might help the ice thaw, and it might help you let go of saying some things you regret.

what do you think?

[Yellowpearl]

Oh true! Although I'm nervous about unblocking - the thing is 2 weeks ago I was still really hurt, and I ended up sending him a letter airing out my grievances. I guess because when he got upset and stressed by my txt and calls wondering why he wasn't speaking, he eventually said rashly said after yelling that he didn't want to invest in anything long term if he may change jobs next year. He was giving different reasons which made no sense to me. I would think he was already invested since he brought up relationship weeks before all this happened but he acted like we never had anything. So I put in the letter that I felt he was emotionally abusive by going back and forth and how disorienting I felt the whole relationship was. It was a page letter, where I also told him not to contact me again. I was very anxious, hurt and upset.I thing the content was things he needed to know, but now I feel like it will be harder for all this to blow over if even possible.

At point he agreed to get back to me about meeting and seemed open but txted me later and told me "closure? I don't see how seeing me will give you closure. I don't want to date you either way" When during the call he said it wasn't about me. It really freaked me out, also resulting to me going off on him out of hurt. So i'm not sure if I reach out months later if I will look stupid or not at this point and where this all came from on his end.

I tried apologizing last time, he wasn't ready to hear it and it caused him to say, maybe we can get coffee tomorrow, i don't feel like talking about it now. I asked "do you still want to talk?" He told me "I do but I don't" next day he freaked out and said "I didn't want to talk to you anymore, you just showed up at my house out of the blue, I made up my mind. what's done is done" referring to my message. I don't get why he was so upset if in his words "I don't want to date you either way."

I was thinking of unblocking him in another month or two. Though I almost feel like my apology reinforced for him that I reacted badly to him that he wasn't willing to acknowledge his own part or listen, so I feel like that maybe won't work this time. I also wonder if this is something that only time can fix and how would I even approach him again since he dismissed me so much at the end during the explosion. I'm unsure he even wants to be in my life and I also do feel bit betrayed but I still want this to blow over without "giving in" or making myself subject to being dismissed.

  

[Yellowpearl]

Maybe a SET message in months or something would help at least in trying to smooth things over but I wouldn’t really know where to begin.

[once removed]

Maybe a SET message in months or something would help at least in trying to smooth things over but I wouldn’t really know where to begin.

i dont think you need a communication tool here. just the T part - truth.

you regret the things you said/did, right? thats all that need be said. again, i dont think it will be any guarantee, and id neither expect, nor push for more. but it might help thaw the ice over time.

[Yellowpearl]

Good point, I wouldn’t need to say much but the truth, that I regret things I said.

The other thing is I do regret the things I said but telling him this, if it would take away from what he did and said during the explosion. But I was thinking after a lot of time passes, it doesn’t matter at that point and can be worked out later if he is ever open to smoothing it over?

This would just be a start and probably would take a while. I guess he would have to unblock too. I think i’m also scared of he doesn’t reply especially if i’m very direct and said something that warrants a reply. Maybe would be better to keep it open ended as possible... this is all if he unblocks me at some point.

[Yellowpearl]

I also wonder if this is something that can blow over in a few months. I mean initiating contact any time soon makes me really nervous as it may put him in the position to say I’m bothering him or feel invalidated, or put all fault on me and go mad!

To avoid feeling dismissed or affected, I even thought about waiting a month or two, sending a neutral message and then blocking before he can say anything then unblock in a month cause if he cared he’d reach again.

[once removed]

to block someone is to erect a high wall that says "leave me alone". and sometimes blocking someone back is the equivalent of "you cant block me, im blocking you!"

to unblock him says "i dont need these barriers anymore."

apologizing for what you did is not about what he said or did. if you are holding resentment over what he said and did, and its understandable if you are, it may indicate that you should hold off on doing anything. if you seek an apology, or reair the same stuff, things are likely to explode, and the situation will be far harder to repair than it is now.

[Yellowpearl]

Thanks for the reply! I think I started the whole blocking thing and he would react. Basically he would say on the phone yeah maybe we can meet up, then 5 minutes later txt me something dismissive during the blow up "I don't see the point in meeting up, I confused why you want to" So i'd explode and block him, he'd block me back, rinse, repeat. Or he'd tell me "yeah we're in this argument, let's meet up tomorrow i can't deal with it now" I follow up, next day, he changes his mind again "I don't want to talk anymore I made up my mind." To which I get upset, said those words, and we blocked each other again. 1 month NC since.

Good point! See, I do hold some resentment over things he did/said but I'm willing to let it go and not reair any of that, i'm just not sure if he would feel the same way. I worry that apologizing would lead to another explosion if not done cautiously or after enough time has passed.

If I was to apologize, at this point, I wouldn't expect an apology, I just don't want to feel my boundaries would be seen as flimsy by getting back in touch. I honestly just want this to be blown over while I understand it may not be possible.

The questions I have that I'm going through are, how to know enough time has passed and what kind of apology is neutral enough that doesn't trigger bad feelings about the past or lead to another explosion.

[once removed]

its important to be prepared that you may get a positive response, or you may get a negative response, or you may not get a response at all.

i dont think the amount of time passed is a huge factor, if one at all. sometimes apologies plant a seed that thaws the ice over time.

if you want to apologize, the reason to do so is that you acted against your values, and you feel badly about it. if the motivation is to get him to apologize, or (solely) to get him back, you will likely be disappointed.

what kind of apology is neutral enough that doesn't trigger bad feelings about the past or lead to another explosion.

i wouldnt be especially specific about what im apologizing for. id keep it more generalized and say that i acted badly and that im sincerely sorry for it. if you list off the really touchy stuff the person reading it might think "oh yeah, they DID do that", and if theres JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) around your apology, it will not come off sincerely.

[Yellowpearl]

You make another good point. It may not matter as much how much time passed in giving the apology as long as I’m not asking for anything more.

I also want to be sure I have the best motivation. The thing is I do feel badly about my overreactions and the guilt weighs on me but I also do wish he was back in my life and things would be okay again. I wonder does me wishing he was back to normal and talking to me again show I don’t have enough space from this and my motivation isn’t sincere?

If I was to go with something solely apologizing without jadong or getting into specifics which may trigger him or be like “yeah she did do that.” Maybe I’d go with “I regret things that I said and I acted badly. I was hurt and anxious since we used to talk all the time much more than we were. I’m very sorry”  or does that go into the defending part of JADE?

[once removed]

i dont think wanting to apologize for your actions, and hoping that he returns are necessarily mutually exclusive. it makes sense to want both... .youd be hoping that your apology would help repair the relationship. its just important to understand that the latter may, or may not happen, and if it would be especially painful for you to receive no response, you may want to hold off until it would be less painful. you can keep in mind that it may take him some time (even months) to respond, but it always sucks to be vulnerable, apologize, and have it be ignored. the question is whether or not we can live with that outcome.

I was hurt and anxious since we used to talk all the time much more than we were.

that part is JADE.

[Yellowpearl]

If he didn’t reply or gave a negative reply, it likely would be pretty painful especially when knowing how vulnerable it would make me feel, as you said it sucks to be ignored after having the courage to apologize.

Could I accept any outcome? That’s the question I have to ask myself. I do definitely feels like he needs more time and if he does reply at all,  it may take months. Which makes sense.

I wonder if I put it out there now makes any difference on his reaction. Like if I do it sooner, it’ll start the process in giving  him time to mull it over even if takes months leading to a possible reconciliation? Maybe longer I wait the longer this process takes but I wouldn’t want to startle him.

Okay does this statement jade?
“I reacted badly in how things went, and I regret things I said and i’m very sorry.”

I wonder if it’s too much to add “if you want to talk again I’d be cool with it if not I understand that too” but that may give a a chance to be like “I don’t!” and not hear the apology.

I wonder also if I could tell him that in a way he can’t reply to me to protect myself. Like email but don’t check it until I’m ready or by phone but block after sending it and unblock a month or two later. So that way if he replies badly or not at all I don’t know about it and if he really wanted to patch up, he could try months later by the time I unblock. Not sure if that even makes sense.

[once removed]

Okay does this statement jade?
“I reacted badly in how things went, and I regret things I said and i’m very sorry.”

no. but its pretty short, and doesnt say much; its also very unlikely to yield any response.

put yourself in his shoes. what would you think upon receiving it? what would you want to hear in terms of feeling the apology was sincere and genuine?

I wonder if it’s too much to add “if you want to talk again I’d be cool with it if not I understand that too” but that may give a a chance to be like “I don’t!” and not hear the apology.

thats not really what you want to say though, is it? "id be cool with it but if not i understand" communicates that youre aloof, and dont care either way. you want to hear from him. you just also acknowledge thats in his hands.

how would you put that?

I wonder also if I could tell him that in a way he can’t reply to me to protect myself. Like email but don’t check it until I’m ready or by phone but block after sending it and unblock a month or two later. So that way if he replies badly or not at all I don’t know about it and if he really wanted to patch up, he could try months later by the time I unblock. Not sure if that even makes sense.

why do this? if youre not ready to be in contact, dont contact him. to apologize, and to have contact necessitates some vulnerability.

[Yellowpearl]

no. but its pretty short, and doesnt say much; its also very unlikely to yield any response. put yourself in his shoes. what would you think upon receiving it

Yes, true what I had was pretty short and doesn't say much or yield a reply. If it were me, I suppose I'd feel a little relief this person was not mad at me but I wouldn't know what to make out of it or what the person's point was. I suppose i'm worried of saying too much or getting into specifics that would lead into JADEing him or triggering him.

thats not really what you want to say though, is it? "id be cool with it but if not i understand" communicates that youre aloof, and dont care either way. you want to hear from him. you just also acknowledge thats in his hands.

how would you put that?

Very true, how I put it "cool if we can talk, if not i understand" is pretty aloof. I do want to hear from him and would like to acknowledge it is up to him, but i'd want to avoid him feeling like I want something out of this and have some motive to get him back or something.

What about if I put it like this: "hey, i'm very sorry for how things turned out. after some time, I realized that I reacted badly and said things that I regret. I enjoyed your company and apologize for coming across that way. I know you said you were not talking to anyone and wanted to be alone, and maybe I went overboard. If you ever do want to talk, i'd be happy to hear from you, and of course if you do not, I totally understand that too."

How does that sound? I tried to convey how I really feel while keeping it general and leaving it to him. I'm a little worried the "I know you said you were not talking to anyone and wanted to be alone, and maybe I went overboard" is assumptive but he did say that to me during the blow up. It was just to show, I realize he needed space but if he wants to talk he can. But it may reinforce that it was okay to do something similar that came across as ghosting to me (silent for weeks).

why do this? if youre not ready to be in contact, dont contact him. to apologize, and to have contact necessitates some vulnerability.

I think the nervous part of me considered apologizing without checking or being able to a get a response. You're right though, if I contact and apologize, he should have the right to respond, if i'm already being that vulnerable. I may just need some more time to be sure I am ready or not. I just wonder how you know if you are ready!

[Yellowpearl]

I was thinking about it. I don't know if I should apologize or say anything. I'm on the fence.

If I say anything, after thinking it more over, I was thinking something like:
"hey, after some time, I realized that I reacted harshly and said things that I regret. I acted badly and let my emotions get the best of me and i'm very sorry for that. I apologize for my actions." That way it's short and neutral enough that it takes responsibility for my actions but doesn't justify or blame. I'm not sure about telling him he can talk to me in the future or that i'd be happy to hear from him. That may push him further away or wonder why I'm suddenly wanting to talk to him after I used such strong language or make him feel his actions were okay.

I'm nervous. If I do apologize, maybe he'd just walk all over me for the rest of time or think of me as tolerant "she was apologizing so it means I didn't do anything wrong!" I'm worried by apologizing, he wouldn't learn anything and maybe it takes people to leave and not contact, to understand. But since my words were strong, maybe  he'd always blame me anyways. It's just the guilt and wishing things were back to normal that is getting to me.

[once removed]

I was thinking about it. I don't know if I should apologize or say anything. I'm on the fence.

when im anxious, my anxiety tends to push me to want to act impulsively. its rare, if ever, that anything good comes from it. im not sure what waiting a bit longer can hurt... .youve pretty much worked out what you want to say, which is a good step.

I'm nervous. If I do apologize, maybe he'd just walk all over me for the rest of time or think of me as tolerant "she was apologizing so it means I didn't do anything wrong!" I'm worried by apologizing, he wouldn't learn anything and maybe it takes people to leave and not contact, to understand.

i also know that when im anxious, i have a tendency to anticipate all of the possibilities, and freeze up over the worst possible outcomes. it can get pretty debilitating.

have you considered reaching out to a doctor or a therapist? its really hard to find direction when gripped by anxiety, i know.

[Yellowpearl]

Yeah, so I actually started therapy a few weeks ago to deal with this fallout, but it hasn't helped much yet. I kind of feel like she mostly wanted to talk about my childhood and barely touched on the relationship. I had 3 sessions and she barely knows how I been affected by the relationship or how my anxiety has been since it ended, when it would have been helpful to let it out. But maybe it's a process, i'm going to just hang in there a bit longer and see what happens.

I've been sitting on the idea of apologizing for a week now, you are right. It couldn't hurt to wait it out before deciding. Throughout this whole thing, I kept taking actions to ease my anxiety, "send him this harsh message" "send him a letter airing out grievances" They helped in the moment, and helped me process my feelings but I get back to square one. I kept devaluing whether I wanted to keep him in my life and almost sabotaged it because I kept thinking maybe he already left so might as well tell him what I feel.

Now I'm debilitated by this. Thinking of the worst outcomes indeed.

The other problem being that I feel like apologizing to a pwBPD is different than a non. You almost have to be cautious about it because it almost feels like i'm apologizing for my actions that were instigated by his behaviors and he doesn't like to take fault. There has to a be a simple way to do this to self-protect or not do it at all.
 

[once removed]

i liked the version of the letter you wrote here:

"hey, i'm very sorry for how things turned out. after some time, I realized that I reacted badly and said things that I regret. I enjoyed your company and apologize for coming across that way. I know you said you were not talking to anyone and wanted to be alone, and maybe I went overboard. If you ever do want to talk, i'd be happy to hear from you, and of course if you do not, I totally understand that too."

i think that says it all.

but no, you dont have to send it today either way. does it help to get it out, and have it as an option?

[Yellowpearl]

Really? Is the version of the letter you last mentioned better the shorter one? Honestly, it’s is more in line with how I feel but I worry it may make it more like I did too much wrong while making it seem his actions weren’t bad after all. Then again, I wonder if a humble approach goes a long way.

I do feel a bit better in thinking of these options in sending this apology, so this way it what happened and my own actions don’t feel so final. Yet it’s also nerve wrecking to think what’s to come. I think more options I have there better. If I do send it, and he still has me blocked. Best to mail it out? Mailing may get creepy haha. My hope was if I wait long enough or even be sure I’m going for it,  he’d unblock.

The other things is I have to ask myself does he deserve the apology and would it be counterproductive and make him feel less remorseful for his actions in getting one.

[once removed]

I did too much wrong while making it seem his actions weren’t bad after all.

youre drifting back and forth a bit between "i did everything wrong" and "his actions made me do it". this might be another sign to hold off.

apologies are about owning our behavior... .if it hurt someone else, and crossed our own values in the process. apologies express remorse for that, without strings attached, both for our own conscience, and to mend the fence to the extent we have the ability to do so.

apologies shouldnt validate the invalid, of course. if i tell you i like your hair, and you start screaming at me for insulting your hair, im not going to respond with an apology.

if you feel you did nothing wrong, you dont have anything to apologize for, and shouldnt. if you feel you did something wrong, the point of the apology is for your conscience, and to mend the fence to the extent you have the ability to do so. its less about who was more wrong or partly right. some good may come of it, or it may not.

blocking certainly does give you some logistical issues. if youre inclined to wait, then you might unblock him, and sit on the apology for a while, see if he unblocks you. is there no way to communicate to him apart from mailing it to him?

[Yellowpearl]

I’ve been back and forth between I did everything wrong and had overreactions to his actions made me indeed. It probably does mean I should sit on the apology for a while.

Or not to jade or anything maybe if I could think about a way to word it or add something that conveys a bit of reasoning of why I was hurt. Otherwise it looks like I went from 100 to 0 in telling him off “don’t talk to me again you were abusive the whole time, you were insecure the whole time” to “Oh... .sorry I regret things I said” attitude may make him feel confused or not take it well. Unless I guess enough time passes.

It would be good to clear my conscience. I totally understand that apologizing doesn’t say who is at fault or who was wrong but I wonder if people take apology as black or white. If someone cheats on you and you tell them “you’re a lying piece of crap don’t talk to me again” and you apologize weeks later for calling them that, wouldn’t it make the cheater feel justified or not get how his actions affected the person because of seeing the mere action “she came back and apologized.” Whereas if she didn’t maybe months or years later he’d think “I had a ex girlfriend friend who cared about me she stopped talking to me cause I cheated. I was such an idiot.”

I feel bad for my actions but I wonder if i’m going in circles in sending harsh message... .to apologizing... .to getting dismissed... .another harsh message... .to wanting to apologize again.  It’s like I can’t tell the difference in what’s the right things to do, and what feeling to accept. To accept he did those things and that I got mad at him. Or accept I feel guilty, wish he was still in my life, I cared about him significantly, and want to apologize yet again which may or may not mend things to an extent. I mean I wake up in the mornings feeling disoriented and guilty that I said those things to him and made things worse. It makes it more disorienting and confusing that he did hurt me.

About logistics, mailing it is the only way to send it unless he unblocks me because I’m not on social media. I guess might as well wait until he unblocks me? I’m having so much trouble deciding if it’s even the right thing to apologize

[once removed]

“you’re a lying piece of crap don’t talk to me again” and you apologize weeks later for calling them that, wouldn’t it make the cheater feel justified

the tools/skills on this board are about learning to deal with conflict in a more mature way.

not to say that cheating isnt a deep blow that really cuts into a person; its all of those things and more, but "youre a lying piece of crap dont talk to me again" is not dealing with conflict in a mature way.

"dont talk to me again" might be a reasonable response to cheating, but if the person doesnt mean it, its just lashing out with hurt feelings, and theyre going to regret it.

Yellowpearl, i suspect that like you, he does, on some level at least, feel his actions were justified. most of the time, most of us do. i dont know how much an apology speaks to that, any more or less than lashing out does.

sometimes in the midst of doing the right thing, we do it the wrong way, and we live with the consequences. during my relationship, my ex and i said many horrible things to each other, and i regret that. we also havent spoken in nearly eight years, and i think both of us are okay with that, weve moved on, there would be no point in apologizing for the ways we hurt each other, and while it might be nice to say "hey, im okay, youre okay", i can live without it just fine. the open question here (no right or wrong answer, its one thing of many to consider in this process) is whether or not you can.

[Yellowpearl]

"dont talk to me again" might be a reasonable response to cheating, but if the person doesnt mean it, its just lashing out with hurt feelings, and theyre going to regret it.

That's where this whole thing became a problem. In the moment I thought I meant those things, but in retrospect, I was lashing out with hurt feelings and didn't handle things in the most mature way regardless of what his actions were. I really wanted to least be on good terms or end on good terms this entire time and my actions didn't always line up with that and I think neither did his. During this explosion, one of us would say something, and the other would be like "never talk again!"

while it might be nice to say "hey, im okay, youre okay", i can live without it just fine. the open question here (no right or wrong answer, its one thing of many to consider in this process) is whether or not you can.

I don't think I can just live with it. I think maybe the main issue is that I don't really understand why this is over, and I think I feel ashamed that I handled things badly for someone I cared about for a long time, despite his actions. I think I also put my whole being into caring about him, so it's hitting me harder that things ended in such an explosion which I contributed to and I could see myself happy with mending things in the future. I wonder if that's enough of a sign to be like "if you can see it mending, and you're not like I never want to talk to him again, then you should apologize!" The thing is I want to protect my heart this time and as I was saying, I don't want to go in circles, call him out, apology, call him out, apology. I realize I would call him out because he kept being dismissive to me and my previous apology likely since I ended up jading, and likely he was acting out of hurt too. So now i'm like, how will this time be any different.

[once removed]

I don't want to go in circles, call him out, apology, call him out, apology and what if I am apologizing because I think he has this potential which he doesn't have.

i think youre touching on a longer/bigger term conflict between the two of you that is bigger than one apology... .the way that the two of you handle conflict with each other.

for any long term mending, let alone reconciling/rehabilitating the relationship, that would need to be resolved.

[Yellowpearl]

It could very well be how two of us handle conflict and a long term issue concerning that. I think usually we handled it fine enough but this time around something seemed up with him. He kept having outburst anytime I’d try to talk to him about what’s going on or how he is or if we can meet, for that whole month to the point NC at the end. And I think I spent most of the time apologising to him and kept thinking maybe it was a misunderstanding and in all that time he never met me had way or tried to meet me. I kept trying to resolve it decently and end dismiss it or act out to which I’d lose my patience.

You’re right it’s won’t take one apology to mend this if these are the reactions that happen. Maybe the question is if he would even want to mend this. Maybe when he said he didn’t want to talk anymore he meant it. The thing is I can’t tell if he was acting out of hurt. And I feel kind of dumb if I keep apologising and he wants nothing to do with me. Yet I wondered if a lot of his behavior and outburst was BPD related and it was an episode?

[Yellowpearl]

So I thought it over. I think I’m going sit on the apology, give it more space and come back to it after Thanksgiving. I’m hesistant in the sense of seeming I’m going from 100 to 0 I’m getting very upset and saying those things to him  to being super nice. Here’s the message I was gonna go with:

hey, i'm very sorry for how things turned out. after some time, I realized that I reacted badly and said things that I regret. I enjoyed your company and apologize for coming across that way. I know you said you were not talking to anyone and wanted to be alone, and maybe I went overboard. If you ever do want to talk, i'd be happy to hear from you, and of course if you do not, I totally understand that too."

I wonder if there is a way I can say something or change it a bit to show a little tiny hesitancy or caution since he initially stopped speaking, had the outburst and since things got really bad between us both during the blowup. Cause I feel like this type of message may scare him more “why is she suddenly so open about it, when she feels I treated her badly” It is does sum it up well but it almost makes it seem I’m ignoring all issues and looks maybe not normal.

[Harri]

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