So my r/s is up in the air, wanted feedback from this section

[juju2]

Hi,

My last post was moved to failed.

the fact is, I haven't called it.  Wanted feedback from this group, and hope my thread doesnt get moved.

Am looking at two tracking my life, it looks like he has moved on, and he also says, every time we speak, he is ready to call it. (break up w her)
It's none of my business, his life, etc.

So, I am looking at a two track approach,
like applying for a new job: you hope for the best w the new job search, and at the same time, you have to keep in the "game" of your current position.
It's a way of keeping all options open.

I am not a victim.

Am a person who loves someone w BPD, and am willing to two track.
Also, am moving forward w severing all ties w him! Yay !

Thank you beautiful people!

j

[juju2]

I am aware this makes no sense and it sounds nuts.

[BetterLanes]

Hi juju2,
It makes sense to me! I think you mean you are simultaneously working on setting up your independent life, and also working on or at least not shutting down the option of resuming the relationship, right? In my view that's much better than just sitting around on your rear, mentally speaking, until you've made a decision.

Plus, I think it can be helpful towards making a decision if you are gaining information and options from both the processes. You can get some new pictures for yourself of how things could be for you in either situation and that could help you come to a decision. It's harder if you can't visualize what your life could be like down each road. A lot of years ago before my H and I were married, I very seriously considered ending the relationship (on the grounds that he wasn't then a Christian, at least that was all I acknowledged to myself about it). A primary reason why I didn't succeed in that was that I didn't have any picture of how my life would be going forward outside of that relationship. I pictured the option of ending the relationship as stepping through a doorway and beyond the door it was completely black, I had no idea what would happen. If I'd spent some time thinking about that road and what might happen (which I didn't have the skills to do then), both choices would have been more available to me. So in summary, I think two tracking could be a helpful choice, and not a nuts one. I have no idea whether it's psychologically optimal but I think it has benefits.

Hope that helps,

BetterLanes x

[juju2]

Thank you better!

after I wrote that, some things came to light that he had lied to me about.

So, last nite I emailed him for the last time, blocked his phone, set up the rest of what remained fm our life together to be wrapped up by end of month... .all of this
in pending status... .I was being strung along... .




I don't see the way forward, the picture you shared.

I don't see, and it is something I will just have to allow one day at a time.

j

[formflier]

So, last nite I emailed him for the last time, blocked his phone, set up the rest of what remained fm our life together to be wrapped up by end of month.

How can we support you in this? 

Knowing how you feel now... .what do you think would be helpful if you start thinking maybe this isn't the last time?

I don't see how a two track approach works when one track is severing all ties and the other track keeps ties or potential ties. 

FF

[juju2]

F,

I see that it doesn't make sense.
That is why i used the new job analogy... .
does that make more sense?

He came over last nite, that was the only way to talk w me, he was upset by all the emails i sent, with how i am making all the rules, what will happen... .he told me he isnt happy in his r/s, he wants to work something out w me... .regarding the vehicle... .   I had let him drive our new vehicle last week, and it was also going to be this week, and then all that changed when he lied to me, and i pulled the plug on him and me, and i took back the vehicle... .after last nite, we agreed to honor the agreement, he gets another wk, this wk, w the new vehicle... .Friday, after work, we will talk and see what has opened up... .he did not lie to me per se... .he was forthright.

Our talk tonite included: I will not be part of having my name on the title (we co own the new vehicle), when he is living w someone else.  He can come back to our house, or he can remove me fm the title... .  those are the only choices i will go for... .((.there is no way for him to remove me fm the title.)
His income, credit won't get him that vehicle. ... .the good thing, we talked thru it all, for the first time... .and we agree to see what opens up on friday... .

The one thing that concerns me, he said last nite, that he doesn't really believe I have made any changes, he said people can't change that much, that our r/s has only one shot left... .his appreciation of me as a person is low.  He doesn't get that i ended up paying huge pmts on that new vehicle, he doesnt get the impact.  I took the hit. I see him devalue me.  He has no appreciation, at least fm last nite... .Am willing to see what will open up.

Also, he said he put down 2,000 on the new vehicle... .! He put nothing down.  He just doesn't remember.   I wrote a 2000
check.   He has no recollection... .(I can prove it.)  He continues to hold me in a bad light... .oh well.

We both agreed to let this week happen, and see what opens Friday when we talk again.

Am going to keep praying, and see what opens up... .Am trying to allow what my H.P. wants for my life... .it's not easy.

it may be, that he will find out, he will not be able to get the vehicle in his own name, and he may change how he sees me... .those things will be an improvement... .if I see those two things, I will know that he is becoming someone that i could have a future with... .

He is like most of us, he has to find out for himself... .
Sorry for the long story.

Thank you, j

[juju2]

I guess what I saw yesterday was him painting me black, I forgot about that, since i do not spend very much time w him... .that would be something I would have to be able to reconcile... .

He has no ability to see my side, and makes me wrong.   He has to be right.

[formflier]

So, last nite I emailed him for the last time, blocked his phone, set up the rest of what remained fm our life together to be wrapped up by end of month... .all of this
in pending status... .I was being strung along... .

Do you see that what you  believe here... .compared to an apparent agreement to talk on Friday, sends very confusing messages to him.

Yet what he is saying to you is consistent over time.  You get the low value he holds you.  You get that he is lying about money and deals.  You get that he wants all the control and he complains when you assert ANY control over what you are part of.

Again... .a big picture thing.  Wouldn't it be better if his and your relationship decisions were based not on financial deals that he is lying about... .but on "just a relationship".  No entanglements.

When people show you who they are... consistently over time... .please believe them.

FF

[byfaith]

When people show you who they are... consistently over time... .please believe them.

Great truth. Something I wished I had learned a long time ago. Better late than never

[juju2]

Yes F.  And we are each dealing w chameleons, Dr Jeckyl, Mr. (or Ms.) Hyde... .

So who are we dealing w, the Dr. Or Hyde.?
Yesterday is was Mr. Hyde.


So you all have seen what i tell you, and it's mostly the worst... .

Anyway, all I am saying is I am going to see what happens Friday.

that's all.

And sharing my experience yesterday w my community.

Thank you all for listening. and contributing to me.

[formflier]

Yes F.  And we are each dealing w chameleons, Dr Jeckyl, Mr. (or Ms.) Hyde... .

So who are we dealing w, the Dr. Or Hyde.?
Yesterday is was Mr. Hyde.

 

And generally what we advise members is that they pick a path, so they aren't also changing... especially changing based on Hyde or Jeckyl showing up.

If you keep changing... he will keep changing... .and the vicious circular chase will continue.


FF

[juju2]

i can see that.  Pick a path.

I forgot that... .Thank you for saying that.


What do you do when you are being painted black by your wife... .

[formflier]

What do you do when you are being painted black by your wife... .

I paint my own pictures.  Sometimes I look at her art... .mostly I don't. 

Big picture:  Define your life by you... .how you paint yourself... .let others react to that.

If you pick your path based on someone else's art... .is it really your path?

FF

[juju2]

f.
so, are you saying, you rise above it, and do not internalize, you have the strength to take it and all.

Was looking for on the court example, vice, poetry.   I do like poetry.

[juju2]

Another thing, f.

Am looking at filing chp 13 bk.

This will allow me to get current on my life, bills, and keep my home, and get me off of the co ownership of a new truck and an older truck, both have loans, both I am the co borrower.  The ch 13 Will discharge those obligations.   I talk to the bk lawyer on Monday.  I am 2 months behind on my mortgage.

I have a car-older, and it is a tank, just keeps going... .I don't need that new vehicle, and this looks to he the only way to get off of the obligation... .

Thank you!

[Cat Familiar]

Juju, you wanted feedback and perhaps you won't like what I think, but here goes... .

He has consistently said that he's unhappy in his current relationship, yet he continues with it. You've hoped that he will have noticed that you've made some positive changes about your personal growth since you two were together. So far, it doesn't seem like he's acknowledged that to the extent you would like.

When you were together, if I remember correctly, he was frequently chasing other women and you had to put up with that. From what you've reported, he seems to have little regard for your feelings, your financial situation and the only thing he seems to think about are his own wants and needs.

You've been giving him free storage of his possessions for months as well as paying for a car you don't need and perhaps cannot afford. He's done nothing to alleviate your financial burdens.

He has kept you hoping that you two might get back together again, but keeping you hanging on seems more for his convenience and he continues to ask for more time for resolving the car issue and the storage.

Something about him makes you want him back, but after reading what you've written about him, I have no idea why that is so compelling for you. Frankly his behavior toward you doesn't seem thoughtful and kind, but I know that people often write about problems with their relationships, rather than the good parts.

You've often seemed to want validation rather than cold hard truth. I certainly cannot know anything about your relationship other than what I've read. So take what I say with a grain of salt, but that's my point of view.

Cat

[juju2]

I get it cat.

Appreciate you for having the courage to speak.

He is a piece of work.   His biggest complaint is the new person hates he fawns after new women.

He shared that w me.


I told him, no woman, not me, her, would like that.   I didn't.   I just made no big deal.   I made it mean, he is a fool.


This new person, I guess, is in his face, and he has ten yrs of me being "ok" w this behaviour.

I was not ok, and he thinks I was ok.


He became a bad mess, and i allowed that... .now, dealing w a new person, he is getting an education in what is acceptable, and his default, is to make HER wrong.     He can't be wrong... .about anything!   Give me a break!
Anyway.    Here we are.

[Cat Familiar]

Absolutely no woman wants to see her man fawn over other women! It’s a total insult and speaks very poorly about the man’s judgment and sensitivity to his partner. (I speak from experience as my first husband used to do this too and I gave him a piece of my mind about that behavior, but it wasn’t enough to motivate him to do better.)

It can be painful to look clearly at things without wishful thinking. I commend you for doing so. 

Cat

[juju2]

Yes.  Cat.

the other interesting thing, I shared my new plan, going bankruptcy, will allow me to be removed from the two vehicles we co own, and i told him about this, that am moving forward... .

He wasn't thrilled.   He emailed, ok, might be the right thing... .

for me, this is the last thing I am legally tied to him... .for me it's a big load being taken off, and i already feel it... .I didn't think it would have this impact on me, just talking to the law ofc, how my name can be removed, etc.

   It takes up to 90 days to finalize, could be a lot shorter... .
Will know more monday!

Thank you everyone!

j

[formflier]

I certainly can understand not being able to put all the reasons in writing that I was originally attracted to me wife... .or that I continue my relationship with her.

I can express many of them, but when I do... .it seems to fall short.

That being said... .Cat's question of "what is so compelling about him" seems to be an important one for you to explore.  I would hope you explore it with us.

FF's challenge for the day.  What can you do that is extra special for you... just because... .today!

FF

[formflier]

Are you interested in discussing options other than BK to disentangle yourself?

FF

[juju2]

F

other options, I don't know what they would be.   Sell.  Upside down.

Voluntary return to bank.  We would owe the difference of remaining back after sale.  Same as above.^^

go ahead, let me know.

He cant refinance in his name only.   I cannot refinance in my name only.
I very much want to be off the lein, I have no control over who is driving it, etc... .as It stands now, I am liable for anything involving that vehicle... .

[formflier]

Return the vehicle, then negotiate a settlement to get it release.

Once they realize they can watch you do BK and they get nothing or they can settle with you for 10% or 20% of amount owed (and get something)... they will likely change their tune.

There is a chance they would sue and come after you for the balance, at which point you may be "forced" to use BK to stop their efforts.  Same with dealing with mortgage company.

I'm not saying  never BK... .I am saying use other options first, that my potentially keep a BK off your record.

FF

[juju2]

I get it.

He would not go along w that... .

How do i know?  Past behaviour, and his lack of executive functioning... .

He is paying over 250/mo on a storage unit for over 6 years, and sometimes years go by before he even goes there to see if he wants anything... (as a prev addict, I have it like, wasting money is one of his defects that has nvr been willing to have removed... .).and now he has me holding on to his stuff, hoarder by association... .anyway, me working w him to get something done, he wants to keep that vehicle... .anyway, trust me on this.
Thank you for the thoughts though.

Not being married, I have no leverage on anything, even anything in the legal realm... .

I won't be losing my home.  I am the only one on that... .the bk will not be the end of my life, and its empowering to me to be able to get this part resolved.

Thank you F.

[formflier]

He doesn't have to agree.  You turn it in. 

If he picks it up and starts paying... same thing.  You are free of it.

If he picks it up and doesn't pay... they will take it back.  When/if they come to you for money... offer a settlement then.

Again... he doesn't have to agree or be involved... although that would be helpful.

FF 

[juju2]

For my peace of mind, and legal ramifications, I want to be off the title.

These are my wishes.

It feels right to me, have thought about it, and it's simple.  Not easy.

[juju2]

so, he wants to talk to me today.

also, he brought me soup about 3 wks ago, he left the receipt in the bag; w store loyalty card, and o/w name on there... .long story short, we wk for same company, in related fields... .yay.

I go for the bankruptcy consult on Monday, told him would be most likely getting my name off the new vehicle, he may as well keep it, even though we had an agreement for him to have it on workdays, I would have it sat, sun... .
any time he isnt working... .

He is insisting on bringing me the vehicle after work today... .

I feel like am in a mixed up world.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Juju,
What's happening with the car and the conversation?

Cat

[juju2]

Cat,

Am going to surrender the vehicle.

He knows what i am doing, he did want to talk about something, idk what.

Anyway, spoke to atty today, and he says bk is the solution, he heard a lot of my story, finances... .and hearing what the atty told me, fresh start, keep my home, I was helped.  It felt like a huge weight was lifted.

So it will be over soon, the ties regarding the vehicles.  I can start the bk. In December.

Thank you for your support.
j

[juju2]

Family,

Am feeling peaceful.

it feels goid to get things in place, making good choices, beyond emotions... .

Taking the next right action.

it feels like I am getting centered, and seeing my life in a positive light for once.