I'm back; Help, need advice and support

[marla]

It's been quite some time since I've been here. And by the grace of God, I found you all again last night. My daughter is almost 19  y/o with diagnosed BPD, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. She has also been diagnosed with a chronic illness that causes generalized body pain. Anyways, she is in a very bad spot. She has been hospitalized twice and most recently finished 8weeks of IOP. She has quit school (was in a special program via IEP services to attend our local community college) she cannot hold down a job. She is constantly asking me for money and secretly (not a secret anymore) asking my mom for money too. She splits and LOVES me and HATES her stepfather, who raised her since she was 3. I've found her passed out three times in the last month, and the last time was in public (waiting to get her tire fixed) I almost called 911. Of course, she claims it was fatigue, but I know it wasn't. She has a script for Xanax and just got it filled 9 days ago and is no out. Two days ago she told me that someone hit her car while it was parked on the street, but then the insurance company called me to tell me a claim had been filed. She rear-ended a car and fled the scene. As of right now, I'm using stronger boundaries which resulted in her spreading lies about me and her step-dad to my mother and her(my daughter) boyfriend and his family. Last night she came home to pick up her things because she was "moving out to be with people that actually love" her. When we confronted her on the Xanax she deflected, made excuses and when my husband reminded her that she was passed out in the tire store she flat out told him "I DON"T TALK TO YOU". He told her to leave the house (warranted in my opinion, and she was leaving anyway) she then got about 2 inches from his body and told him to "TOUCH ME, I DARE YOU". I stepped in between them and told her to leave. The deceit is neverending.

I am sick to my stomach, my guilt is overwhelming. My husband is so hurt that as of right now he is barely speaking to me, so there's that too.
 
We have 3 other children, one away at college, a 17-year-old and a 5-year-old.

I know we are doing the right thing, but can anyone please confirm that we are doing the right thing? My co-dependency is playing tricks on me.

ps: she has been in therapy since 12, a rape survivor, constant therapy, endless amount of support from us and she still ___s on me and makes me feel guilty. i work full time and am barely hanging on at this point. also, dealing with an upcoming 5th facial reconstructive surgery for my 17 y/o who got hit by a car going 40 mph two years ago.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[marla]

whoops, didn't meant to post this twice 

[wendydarling]

whoops, didn't meant to post this twice  

I deleted your duplicate post marla  

Welcome back   it's been quite a while, I'm glad found your way back, yep were still here and you've come to talk and gain support from the parents group here. That's a lot happening marla, have things recently escalated? I think you are right keep living your values, firm and loving, your daughter is an adult and as my DD30 recently said she learnt by consequence of her actions at your DD's age. I hope her time away (may not be long?) helps you and your husband space to build bridges, acknowledge the pain you're both feeling right now, get on the same page, spend some special caring time together, feelings of kindness, gratitude and love. It sounds like you are close to your Mum? I've put issues in two buckets, rays of hope, behaviours to positively reinforce and challenges to address, what tools and lessons can I use  Wow that sounds black and white, anyways it works for me.

Your DD has been found out on a number of issues she likely feels shame and is projecting. What lies is she spreading and to who in your family/friends support network?

I'd also step in like you did if my DD was threatening, provoking someone I loved dearly in the way your DD did.

What was the latest IOP?

Things can get better   , understanding my DD's limitations helped me understand how I can support her in a healthy way.

My very best to your son and for upcoming fifth surgery, what a brave young man you have. How's he doing?

I hope you feel some relief posting with family her, is the safest space.

WDx
PS I've been here since Dec 2015, the support of parents and the resources have been life changing for me, keep sharing, posting marla, we've got you and your H x

[Harri]

Hi marla.  I too am glad you found your way back to us but so sorry for what bring you here.  You are dealing with a lot of stress! 

If it helps, I think you are doing the right things in terms of setting limits and trying to help her at the same time.  It is not easy when they don't see they have a problem and or are not willing to put in the work to fix their self. 

One thing to remember with boundaries is that when you set them or change things, people will often push back and increase their poor behaviors.  It is called an extinction burst and to be expected.  I know that does not really make it better, but in a way, it means that you are doing the right thing.  The key is to continue to be consistent.

I hope things settle down for all of you and that your 17 y/o  heals wells and fast form the upcoming surgery.  How is the 5 year old doing with all this?

[marla]

wendydarling and harri,

thank you for responding  I didn't see it until just now ( work for a tech company but for some reason cannot navigate bpdfamily!  so silly!)
i will write back this evening once i am home from work.
i am so very grateful to both of you for reaching out. 

[wendydarling]

Good to hear back from you, that's frustrating for you  tech company... .hum, well

WDx

[loveandcare]

Hi Marla! Your story sounds so similar to mine. Like you, I am barely hanging on. Sheer determination is keeping me going right now, but a small set-back and I fall apart. We also have an older daughter away at university: she’s doing great, very responsible, independent.
Our 18, going on 19 yr old BPD dd walked out “for good” a couple of weeks ago. She pretty much cut off all contact apart from making demands (via text). I don’t know where she is, but I suspect shes “sofa surfing” among her various male contacts. Pretty much 100% sure she’s using drugs; my only hesitation to that is her lack of money, but of course there are other ways to “pay”. Ugh. It makes me sick to my stomach.
We’re caught in a kind of limbo, I feel. On one hand, there is a sense of relief with her gone... .now I’m not dealing with her lies, drama, stealing, manipulation and other awful behaviors on a daily basis. On the other hand, we’ve lost our daughter who is now essentially homeless, drug using, probably promiscuous (pregnancy? STD?), broke, and going absolutely nowhere.