She messaged me. My heart skipper a beat.

[rainbow287]

I was playing LoL and she messaged me. I won't lie, my heart skipper a beat. this was our interaction:

Her: You want to play a game ?
Me: I don't know if it's a good idea. I am not interested in being friends.
Her: I never asked anyone to be friends, but ok

I don't know what to think about this. Was it a tactic to see if she still had some kind of control on me or something ? Or she genuinely don't care about me ?
This is 6 months post break-up and she is still with my replacement. What do you guys think ?

[once removed]

its likely that she wanted to play a game.

is this the first time the two of you have spoken since the breakup?

[rainbow287]

I broke NC 4 months after break-up. So last time we spoke was 2 months ago.

[once removed]

what happened 2 months ago? what led you to reach out, how did it go?

[rainbow287]

Well, I wrote about it here. Basally, I reach out to say that I still loved her. She told me that she did not have any feelings for me. I said that if she changes her mind, she could contact me. That's why my gut instinct was telling me that may be it was a tactic to see if she still had some sort of power on me. I might be wrong.

[once removed]

how do you feel about her?

[rainbow287]

I still think about her I won't lie to myself. I know I still have feelings. She betrayed me by playing in my back even if I took her for granted when we were together. I wished a lot for a second chance, but I know in my head that it would never work because she does not go to therapy. I am just confused between what my heart and my head tell me.

[once removed]

what stopped you from playing a game with her?

[rainbow287]

I knew that if I said yes, she would know that she still had control. She would not respect me or even consider a romantic relationship with me. She would get her dose and run away. That's why I did not want to. I guess I will find out if my theory is correct or not soon.

[once removed]

shed have control because you played a game with her?

[Clearmind]

I still think about her I won't lie to myself. I know I still have feelings. She betrayed me by playing in my back even if I took her for granted when we were together. I wished a lot for a second chance, but I know in my head that it would never work because she does not go to therapy. I am just confused between what my heart and my head tell me.

I think its natural to think about someone you have been in a relationship with. I still think about my ex's one which happens to BPD. I guess once we break up we really need to think about what boundaries are appropriate when a relationship is no longer active.

What do you think those boundaries look like?

[Cromwell]

Hi alex

id say regardless of the feelings you still have, this is just a time waste dead end road to go down. Even if you got back together, there is this betrayal that will carry forward and you will always be on high alert for the next one. It shows because you are self protecting from her invite to a game - you have lost trust.

I always think these little scenarios that crop up are good opportunities to guage and test how we feel. It helped that after 10 months NC that I met my ex, started talking again, and got to get insight into how I felt about her, how I saw her behaviour and words in a different light than what I once did. It was a similar theme, I realised that however positive aspects i still felt about her, I didnt trust her, realised it was a waste of time and finally went NC again.

I think you were wise to err on the side of caution and come here and get some perspectives.

One other thing I noticed was

She betrayed me by playing in my back even if I took her for granted when we were together.

The way I read it, on the one hand you feel betrayed but there is an element of self blame for it having happened - it seems like there is something that doesnt align, to try and untangle here. Did she cheat on you but then say that there was a reason for it, ie - your fault for 'making' her?

If so, that is an experience I can relate to.

[rainbow287]

One other thing I noticed was The way I read it, on the one hand you feel betrayed but there is an element of self blame for it having happened - it seems like there is something that doesnt align, to try and untangle here. Did she cheat on you but then say that there was a reason for it, ie - your fault for 'making' her?

If so, that is an experience I can relate to.

I don't think she physically cheated but defiantly emotional cheating yes.

[Skip]

I reach out to say that I still loved her. She told me that she did not have any feelings for me.

I said that if she changes her mind, she could contact me.

And she reached out two months later and you shut it down wondering if it was a nefarious contact.

alex, it was a "safe" probe. It could mean that she wants to play LoL with you . It could be that she is having a bad day with her new beau. It could be that she is broken up and tying to decide where she goes next in life.

You can't really know. Those things all look alike.

You also can't tell from the response either because your comment pushed back pretty hard. I think you would have gotten the same response in all of the scenarios above.

So what do you do?

If it was me, I would think 1) we tried and it didn't work out and 2) she has a serious mental illness and I got a glimpse of how that illness plays out with her. She is diagnosed so she is on the high end of the spectrum. There will be more things like this. This wasn't just a "wrong time" for a relationship with her.

Regardless of all of the good connection you have had, the above is true.

[rainbow287]

And she reached out two months later and you shut it down wondering if it was a nefarious contact.

alex, it was a "safe" probe. It could mean that she wants to play LoL with you . It could be that she is having a bad day with her new beau. It could be that she is broken up and tying to decide where she goes next in life.

You can't really know. Those things all look alike.

You also can't tell from the response either because your comment pushed back pretty hard. I think you would have gotten the same response in all of the scenarios above.

So what do you do?

If it was me, I would think 1) we tried and it didn't work out and 2) she has a serious mental illness and I got a glimpse of how that illness plays out with her. She is diagnosed so she is on the high end of the spectrum. There will be more things like this. This wasn't just a "wrong time" for a relationship with her.

Regardless of all of the good connection you have had, the above is true.

What do you mean that there will be more things like this ?

[Skip]

I meant that if you get back together, you will see more of the same difficulties that you have already experienced.

Let me ask straight out -- were you hoping she was trying to reconnect? Is the reason you shut her down because you needed more from her to engage?

[crushedagain]

I meant that if you get back together, you will see more of the same difficulties that you have already experienced.

Let me ask straight out -- were you hoping she was trying to reconnect? Is the reason you shut her down because you needed more from her to engage?

Not only would my heart also skip a beat if I got a text from my ex - I think I would be hoping she was trying to reconnect with me, probably partly to soothe my ego that was crushed from the discard.

I think it's a valid question you ask, and something that we all need to be really honest with ourselves about. I won't hijack this thread with my own situation, but when I imagine myself in others' shoes on threads such as this, I can understand how difficult it is.

[rainbow287]

I meant that if you get back together, you will see more of the same difficulties that you have already experienced.

Let me ask straight out -- were you hoping she was trying to reconnect? Is the reason you shut her down because you needed more from her to engage?

Yes I think so

[CryWolf]

Irrelevant but I play adc and mid.

How are you doing today? I don’t blame you for thinking she was testing you. It’s normal to be on alert after a breakup or discard.

Don’t be too hard on yourself buddy. She asked to play, and one game could have “snowballed” into a couple more and add on discord/Skype chat and you possibly could have been back into her orbit.

Let’s say the above scenario did play out, where would you have seen the situation going?

[Skip]

Let me ask straight out -- were you hoping she was trying to reconnect? Is the reason you shut her down because you needed more from her to engage?
Yes I think so

Yes I think so

Reconnecting often starts with little probes like that. It's safer. The one thing most want to avoid is being shamed when they reach out.

That's not to say this was an exploration of re-connection. It could be simply that she was feeling in need of validation and she knew you were her #1 fan.

Where does it go now?

[rainbow287]

Reconnecting often starts with little probes like that. It's safer. The one thing most want to avoid is being shamed when they reach out.

That's not to say this was an exploration of re-connection. It could be simply that she was feeling in need of validation and she knew you were her #1 fan.

Where does it go now?

Nothing much. Just living life right now. I guess we will see in the near future what was her true intention. But, I know for a fact that she is still with him. So, it is confusing.