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Author Topic: I'm shocked that I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship  (Read 425 times)
KKay

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« on: December 09, 2018, 10:43:51 AM »

First time here. I've been in a 10 year (unmarried but living together) relationship. I finally stood up and said I'm out.
We co-own a condo together and so it's been slow going as I end things and find a new place to live. We finally had mediation, he's buying me out and staying put and I'm taking my buyout money and buying a home 2 hours away.

In the meantime, I'm still on the couch and probably will be here for another month.

I'm reading Psychopath Free and I'm simply stunned by how it feels like this book was written just for me. I'm shocked at this realization that I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship for so long. I'm broken down and I hate that he sees me as broken and essentially has won. I want to be energized and happy but I just have nothing left right now to make that happen.

I think my friends are sick of hearing it. I feel like I'm messing everything up. I doubt everything and everyone. I'm isolating and that hurts but I also don't want to be around people right now. I just can't wait to get out of this house and away from him.

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« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2018, 01:39:57 PM »

hi KKay, and Welcome

I'm isolating and that hurts but I also don't want to be around people right now.

im glad you reached out. you dont have to do this alone.

First time here. I've been in a 10 year (unmarried but living together) relationship. I finally stood up and said I'm out.

what brought you to that place/decision? youre still living together, do i have that right?
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« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2018, 05:44:30 PM »

Quote from: KKay
I'm broken down and I hate that he sees me as broken and essentially has won. I want to be energized and happy but I just have nothing left right now to make that happen.

I completely understand how emotionally draining a r/s with a pwBPD can be like is he diagnosed with BPD?  Sometimes it can be really hard to see yourself get back to form or become even more energized then when you started this r/s. Having time be yourself is going to help you feel better.


Quote from: KKay
I think my friends are sick of hearing it. I feel like I'm messing everything up. I doubt everything and everyone. I'm isolating and that hurts but I also don't want to be around people right now. I just can't wait to get out of this house and away from him.

I can relate with feeling like you're burning your friends out, are you looking for answers from them? These are really unique experiences being in a r/s with someone with a severe mental illness it's hard for people to connect with that if that if they have not gone through the experience.

Doubting yourself is normal, I can understand not wanting to be around people but we're social creatures and need to connect with other people. Are there things that you can do outside of the house like visit friends and family or go to the gym etc?
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KKay

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« Reply #3 on: December 11, 2018, 06:55:15 PM »

hi KKay, and Welcome

im glad you reached out. you dont have to do this alone.

Thank you so much.

what brought you to that place/decision? youre still living together, do i have that right?

We had been doing therapy off and on. The last therapist we went to, he gave up on. I went to see her by myself and she told me he is classic BPD. It knocked the wind out of me to hear that I wasn't crazy. I started researching about BPD and it was shocking how much it resonated. Now I see when he is up to his tricks.

We are still living together unfortunately. We own together so making this final has been a process. I'm taking the money he is paying me for my share of the condo and buying a home outside of the city. I'm hoping I will be moved out in a few weeks.
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KKay

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« Reply #4 on: December 11, 2018, 06:58:41 PM »

I completely understand how emotionally draining a r/s with a pwBPD can be like is he diagnosed with BPD?  Sometimes it can be really hard to see yourself get back to form or become even more energized then when you started this r/s. Having time be yourself is going to help you feel better.

The therapist we saw together confided in me that is BPD. I am pretty certain he is not aware of it. He knows I've always thought of him as a narcissist and he strongly disagrees with that.

I can relate with feeling like you're burning your friends out, are you looking for answers from them? These are really unique experiences being in a r/s with someone with a severe mental illness it's hard for people to connect with that if that if they have not gone through the experience.

Not looking for answers, but I feel so emotional and burnt out, so I just feel like the Debbie Downer in the room right now.

Doubting yourself is normal, I can understand not wanting to be around people but we're social creatures and need to connect with other people. Are there things that you can do outside of the house like visit friends and family or go to the gym etc?

I've let the gym slip, so I should get back into that. It's a surefire way to help reenergize and I've been lax on that. I think I've been spending too much time reading about all this.
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« Reply #5 on: December 11, 2018, 07:24:36 PM »

We had been doing therapy off and on. The last therapist we went to, he gave up on.

we hear a lot of stories about couples therapy gone wrong. its not so much couples therapy itself, but if one or both parties have an attitude of fixing the other person rather than listening and everyone getting on the same team, well, thats what plays out.

I went to see her by myself and she told me he is classic BPD. It knocked the wind out of me to hear that I wasn't crazy.

it is a relief to know that there is a name and that there are explanations for our experience, huh? i was overjoyed to learn that there was a community full of people that had walked, or were walking in my shoes. i hope youll stick around and make yourself at home as part of the family here. the number one factor in my own recovery was a strong support system.

I'm hoping I will be moved out in a few weeks.

that will help. its hard to grieve, or even breathe, without the space to do so.

I think I've been spending too much time reading about all this.

there can be a lot of value in reading about and understanding BPD, in terms of breaking down and understanding what weve been through. i offer a little heads up though: Psychopath Free plays fast and loose when it comes to the various diagnoses, pushes a lot of urban legends about all of the disorders, and in a lot of ways can confuse more than it helps. a lot of what weve been through have straight forward explanations, some of them more complex... .this is a good place to discuss and learn the differences.
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KKay

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« Reply #6 on: December 11, 2018, 07:45:34 PM »

we hear a lot of stories about couples therapy gone wrong. its not so much couples therapy itself, but if one or both parties have an attitude of fixing the other person rather than listening and everyone getting on the same team, well, thats what plays out.


About 2 years ago, we were seeing a therapist. My partner would behave in one of "those" ways and I would look at the therapist for validation and to say "did you see it?" and the therapist would look to me with questions and eventually offer up a type of therapy that *I* would benefit from. So to have someone finally "see it" was so liberating.

Psychopath Free. YES. I'm actually reading it right now. I felt like the author had crawled out of my head and addressed me directly. The book continues to have me in tears as I read because it hits home so much. It is dizzying thinking about how much thought goes into the manipulation. How tiring it must be to live a life like that.

And of course, I am spending so much time between feeling validated in not being crazy and questioning every single thing I've experienced these past 10 years. It's hard to see the good things he has done and to think the motivations behind those actions were not good, but manipulative and meant to groom and break me down. I always used to say the good was worth the bad, that's what kept me there for 10 years. Then one day the bad outweighed the good. Now reading this book, the good was a mask after all. That is heartbreaking.

And once seen, you can't unsee it. I watch him now. I see all the ways he is at work. I listen to him when he speaks to business partners. I watch him figure out how to hurt me. It's so apparent now that I know about it.

I always considered myself to be strong and independent. I always wondered how people in abusive relationships stayed. Now I find myself having been in one for 10 years and I understand. And even after all this time, it didn't hit me until maybe a week ago that I have been in an abusive relationship. I still kept thinking of myself as "I was dating someone with a personality disorder."

It's all mind-blowing.
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« Reply #7 on: December 11, 2018, 07:57:08 PM »

It's all mind-blowing.

it is. its complex stuff.

people with BPD traits have poor relationship skills, are notoriously impulsive, and are generally very bad planners... .books like Psychopath Free are heavy on validation, but not so reliable when it comes to information, or the big picture of our experience. i think the idea that my loved one spent ten years just trying to groom me would increase my suffering, and complicate my grieving process significantly. id feel used. it sounds like you had a lot of good times, and a lot of very complicated bad times too... .i would suggest that those good times were very real (the bad times were as well), but our ex partners struggle mightily to sustain them.

ill set that aside for now. when youve finished the book, you might want to take a look at some of the literature in our recommended book store here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews

tell us more about what you have been through in these past 10 years... .
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KKay

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« Reply #8 on: December 11, 2018, 08:38:13 PM »

Thank you Once Removed. I'm almost finished with the book, so I'll be there soon!

When we met, I was the new target. He was getting a divorce but they were still living together. She left him, apparently because the damage had already been done with his addiction (pot and drinking). He was sober for about 3 years when I had met him. He never had been on his own before. I had so many concerns and red flags and yet I was a moth to a flame with him. I kept trying to push him away, he kept finding pulling me back. Once there, everyone would talk about our relationship and how they wanted what we had.

Within 1 year we not only moved in together, we bought a condo together. His ex always wanted a home (the things I understand now... sigh). In that first year, he tried to keep his depression from his divorce from entering our relationship. He also was very secretive about things which had me snooping and discovering he was still trying to get his ex back. There were so many conflicting things I would call him out on and he always had answers. And I always believed him - mainly because I felt badly for his pain. This was someone who was so upset that he had no physical activity with his ex - and yet here I was, in my prime and wanting more and more and more and he would push me away or lose his erection. He would tell me all I thought about was sex.

His ex eventually came back about 2 years in. Tried to get back together with him. Of course I heard all about it.

The following years were spent with me trying to keep up with him. I put him on a pedestal. He was right about everything. He was wise. He was charming. He was business saavy. He was worldly. You name it... he was it. He was also controlling (self admitted) and aggressive and often spoke his mind too much that I would be embarrassed by it. But I always had a reason for it.

When he started changing the rules of the game, I would question why he stopped doing xxxxx - he would snap at me and get angry. Even something so simple and loving as "why aren't you holding me at night like you used to?"

I always felt like I was striving to be better. He would complain about one thing and I would make changes and then instantly there would be another task he would set in front of me. I never had long to enjoy the change I made before he gave me a new one.

He started to break down and undermine my achievements.

He once told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore because I had gotten "fat" (and later denied ever using the word "fat"). He started then to say we don't have the same interests anymore.

All the while of course posting constant admiration and love on Facebook about me. Bragging about me to others. Some of it was truly wonderful, boasting about my work (I'm a photographer) in front of potential clients and leaving them thinking I was the best thing ever.

He took care of me financially all these years when I was struggling.

He took care of me emotionally when I was suffering.

But now I realize that he also created those negative moments. An example. The night of our mediation, once the adrenaline wore off, I had a panic attack. I was pacing around the living room. Two days later during an argument the subject came up of how he has ALWAYS supported me emotionally and I will never meet someone again who will care for me like he did. He brought up the night I was pacing and said, WHO taught you work through your panic attack by pacing a circle? WHO would bring you into the bathroom and put cold water on your face and bring you back?

But the thing is...

I never had panic attacks prior to him. The night I was pacing in a panic attack was BECAUSE OF him. So he may have helped me, but he also is why I have them.

He has always, always, brought up that I will never meet someone like him again. That he has taken care of me like nobody else has, or ever will.

A month ago, I slipped and fell while walking my dogs. I landed on my head and in the ER with a mild concussion. I kept telling him not to come to the hospital, I was fine. He insisted and showed up with lunch. Kept talking about how he got my salad with everything on it that I like, because he knows me. Going home in the cab he told me about all his co-workers who knew he was coming to help his "girlfriend" in the ER and he said "of course I would come, you have nobody else" - the rest of the day I heard him updating his co-workers about my condition (I don't know ANY of these people).

That night - I was still sleeping on the couch. I wasn't even offered the bed.

He admits to being turned on by my tears and my needing him. He wants to save me and yet he has also yelled about being sick of saving me. I see now how these years have turned me into a damsel in distress and it's hard to do things on my own anymore. I never noticed that happening. I don't say this for any other reason than to see the difference... .but after graduating college 30 years ago, I have live in other countries, travelled other countries by myself, worked for photographers that are in history books, started my own successful business by myself and lived in my own apartment in NYC for years. And yet... today, I struggle with my finances and I cry myself to sleep on a regular basis.

2 years ago I caught him in the beginnings of an emotional affair. When working through that, he would say he would be a fool to lose me and can see himself spending the rest of his life with me, but if we could just pause our relationship and come back later, that would be ideal. We tried, one more than the other at different times... .he got into his business 100% and I started to get myself back on track and get involved with interests and people he couldn't touch - and lost the weight. I found my strength again. He was threatened and ramped things up again to knock me down. It was during this time period we found our way to my current therapist and she told me about BPD. I tried to understand, I tried to work with it - and finally, after one too many knock downs, for which I was now recognizing, I said with finality: "that's it. I'm done. It's over. you win."

And it's been months of trying to extricate myself. I'm so close now.

I don't know how I managed to sum up the last 10 years LOL. There is so much more of course, all the nuanced ways he worked... .that I am discovering now, but that is the sum of it all.

As far as I know, he hasn't actually cheated me. Just that one emotional one that I stopped right away. He's lied from day one, I know that. But I really don't sense he ever cheated. He has a strange moral compass and I'm not sure if that's an act now or not - but from the hurt he created from his alcoholism, he's done a lot of work on himself and has made so many amends and has tried to live a life based on that. But... who knows.





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KKay

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« Reply #9 on: December 11, 2018, 08:44:51 PM »

And of course, just as when I met him... he is playing the victim. He talks of how much he has done for me. How he has supported me over the years. How much he tried and did everything he possibly could to make me happy, but it was never enough. He's been socializing with my/our friends, he's tried to explain all he's done to take care of me to my parents, he's working it.

And he's been buying stuff for the house getting ready for me to leave (most of the furniture is mine). He's been going out a lot. He's been happy lately - so I'm sure his next target is lined up. I'm now waiting for it to be flaunted in front of me.

And I didn't even touch on all the gaslighting. He gets SO angry when I accuse him of gaslighting.

When I catch him in his act or deception and stand up to him, his tactic is to get angry because he is scary when he is angry and I typically have backed down. Even knowing it today, I still back down.
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« Reply #10 on: December 11, 2018, 10:55:23 PM »

When I catch him in his act or deception and stand up to him, his tactic is to get angry because he is scary when he is angry and I typically have backed down. Even knowing it today, I still back down.

if your goal is to be out in a few weeks, it is probably best to disengage, even avoid as much as possible. you dont need additional conflict.

I had so many concerns and red flags and yet I was a moth to a flame with him.

were there things in addition to the pending divorce and the pot/drinking? how did the two of you meet, and how did you go about trying to push him away?

In that first year, he tried to keep his depression from his divorce from entering our relationship. He also was very secretive about things which had me snooping and discovering he was still trying to get his ex back. There were so many conflicting things I would call him out on and he always had answers.

it sounds like things werent "resolved".

His ex eventually came back about 2 years in. Tried to get back together with him. Of course I heard all about it.

did they get back together?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
KKay

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« Reply #11 on: December 13, 2018, 09:03:06 PM »


were there things in addition to the pending divorce and the pot/drinking? how did the two of you meet, and how did you go about trying to push him away?


It's crazy writing all of this because seeing it written out makes me wonder where on earth my head was when it all happened!

Well, the divorce I knew about right away. When I found out he was in that situation I told him to leave me alone, that I didn't believe him. He did everything he could to tell me (and he showed me where he lived at one time) that he was truthful. A mutual friend also confirmed it. All of these things happened over time. One time while on the phone, I firmly told him not to call anymore. He was so angry and said I wasn't ready for an emotional relationship with anyone. I remember being upset and saying something back and he said "___ you" and hung up. He came back the next day apologizing left and right.

The sobriety I didn't find out about until when we were well into dating.

The things that were red flags in the beginning were the lies I would catch him in. Things he would talk about. For instance, he told me about a conversation with a mutual friend who was interested in me when we first met. He said how he was telling him to "stay away from my girlfriend" - thing is, this conversation happened in his apartment that his ex-wife was still living in at the time. I remember asking him how on earth he could talk like that with his ex home and did she hear him? I honestly can't remember his response, but to this day I think about that. Some strange sexual things (but not sure how deep to go into all this on here). He also was very vain. I thought at times, he was gay but conflicted about it. He was head over heels for me SO QUICKLY, it was a bit obsessive (at times that was wonderful, other times it left me wondering). He used to chant "I got Kristin I got Kristin" like it was a conquest - he was using it as a term of endearment, like, "how did I get so lucky?"

There were red flags all throughout, not sure how far and deep to go... .but they were generally centered around lying - and yet, he HATES when I imply he lies. He is so consumed about making amends and living a sober life and doing things "right" and that he is a very moral person that to imply he is a liar is WRONG.

No, he and his ex never got back together. She wanted to. She wanted to have a baby and wanted him to be the father. She said to him that she understands now what it is to be a good wife and that she didn't understand that then. She came back about 2 years later. Interestingly, for someone who was trying to get her back in the beginning, it later turned into, "she would have to have changed so much about herself for me to want her back." She tried several times to reach out to him.

He swears he will never get married again. He told me that from day one, he will never be able to give me a wedding ring. He will never want children and he will never want to get married. I'm not entirely sure of "why" to this day. He's talked about feeling he failed and not trusting the institution of marriage again. He's talked about, in the eyes of God, that he is still married. He's talked about simply not feeling the need for it.


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« Reply #12 on: December 13, 2018, 10:31:54 PM »

He told me that from day one, he will never be able to give me a wedding ring. He will never want children and he will never want to get married.

how did you feel about these? do/did you want those things?
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« Reply #13 on: December 14, 2018, 01:16:37 AM »

It's crazy writing all of this because seeing it written out makes me wonder where on earth my head was when it all happened!


This is how I feel too.  Thank you for sharing your story and the book suggestion. I will check it out.  I feel groomed and helpless too.  He and I met during the worst time of my life to that point. He led me to believe he loved me and he provided me with financial support to leave my abusive family home. It has been almost 22 years with us only living together for 7 years.  I don't even know what my adult life looks like without him in it but I am so ready to find out.  Sending you best wishes as you move forward.
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