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Author Topic: Would you date someone with differing/opposing political values?  (Read 675 times)
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« on: November 12, 2018, 06:48:03 PM »

Excerpt
47 percent of people would not date someone with political beliefs that differ from their own.

https://www.glamour.com/story/dating-someone-different-politics

this is not a new phenomenon, that number is on the rise.

obviously, our values, and that of our potential partners, are very important in terms of potential compatibility. its inevitable that some of those values may inform our political views/beliefs. the question i think we all need to consider, is when are our values too rigid, and when are they legitimate deal breakers in a romantic relationship?

so what about you? would you be open to dating someone with differing or opposing political views/values? why or why not? is there room for exception on some issues, but not on others?

for those of you who have dated someone with differing/opposing political views, what has your experience been like?

NOTE: this is not intended to be a political debate among us as members, but a discussion of our compatibility with people with different views.
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« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2018, 07:06:51 PM »

She is a great person but we are polar opposite.
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« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2018, 07:14:03 PM »

Without a doubt, and I have pretty strong (and 100% correct) political views.  As with friends, I'm entirely open to having a relationship with a romantic partner. My only caveat is critical thinking. I sorta coined a phrase based on 'let's agree to disagree' which is "let's disagree to agree' meaning, er, that I'd rather speak with someone with different political viewpoints who comes to them from critical thinking and listening and general humanity than someone who agrees completely but is completely agenda and party driven.  I lean towards right of center and always joke the only people who end up talking me out of my beliefs are other conservatives.

And I'd love to be with someone who was open to new viewpoints but could challenge my own and I'd say almost more than I'd be open to someone who had the same viewpoints. Again the only caveat would be that their positions were reasoned, driven by principle vs agenda or party, and had a core humanity behind them.
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« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2018, 09:00:59 PM »

Nope. I feel like my politics are so integral to who I am, it would be too much of a stretch to date someone who didn’t share my values.

If someone thought global warming was a hoax, well that would tell me all I needed to know. NEXT!

We are burning up in California and the aquifers are drying up. No way am I gonna debate reality I see with my own senses.
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« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2018, 09:08:47 PM »

She is a great person but we are polar opposite.

are you talking about someone you are seeing presently? if so, does the relationship work for the two of you?
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« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2018, 05:41:43 AM »

I dated someone seriously with polar opposite political views.  She’s liberal, I’m somewhat conservative.  I’m fine with it.  It wasn’t a problem as to why we broke up, but she kept trying to “understand” my views and it became annoying at times.

This summer I was talking with an online person for six weeks.  Politics did not come up once until three days before we were to meet.  She asked, I answered, she said don’t bother coming.

I am finding more and more that I’m much more tolerant than the people I have come in contact with.  They pretend to be open-minded until you disagree with them.  Ironic.
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« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2018, 07:21:58 AM »

Several years ago when on-line dating I looked for partners of the same political persuasion. My thinking is why go into a relationship that has a potential area of conflict from the get go.

I also think at least for me that my political views are tied to my moral views... .to my values.  So I did and would look for someone closer to my way of thinking.

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« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2018, 08:52:20 AM »

Nope, can't do it. I want someone fighting on the same side as me.
A right-winger just isn't going to get me, and vice-versa.

I just got into a new relationship with a like-minded soul, but while I was dating, I made a point to discuss political affiliation pretty quickly. In the past, I might give someone who identified as "socially liberal but fiscally conservative," or even a Libertarian, a shot. But in our current political climate, if someone says they're a Republican or Libertarian, it's a dealbreaker for me. We're not going to be in sync, no way. It's not just "politics," it's about morals, values, and worldview.   
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« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2018, 12:21:38 PM »

No, definitely would not pursue a relationship with different political views.  Like others have said, it's deeper than "opinion."  My political views are based on my core values, morals, and ethics that are a part of my very being, and I would find it very difficult to connect on a deep, intimate level with someone who did not possess similar values. 

The issue speaks to my personal boundaries and what qualities I seek in a partner.  This is an example that is rather extreme, but still in the same vein --  I would not entertain dating a heroin addict or an alcoholic, either.  I have great empathy for those suffering from addictions (I have close family members who suffer so), but I would not open myself up to such potential heartbreak in a close, intimate relationship.   

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« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2018, 01:26:34 PM »

Depending on what the differences are, I would consider it. There are political beliefs that are tied to core values and others not so much. Even with the political beliefs that aren’t as closely tied to my core values, a potential partner would have to be willing to accept my beliefs (if different) and not try and change me or belittle me for them.
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« Reply #10 on: November 13, 2018, 02:04:42 PM »

I think it would be very difficult for me. As others have said, political views for me are related to my values.
Let's say someone conservative would not fit my personality. It's not that I think his ideas would be wrong, they just wouldn't fit me.
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« Reply #11 on: November 14, 2018, 06:15:59 AM »

This is an interesting question and initially I would have said yes ( if I were single ) as I don't think a couple has to agree on everything political, but I would reconsider that now.

The problem is not with people who may not agree but with our politics. I think we are becoming more polarized and interactions between opposite sides are more hostile. I would be concerned that this hostility would creep into the relationship. It's getting hard to ignore it. For this reason, I would stay on my side of the political fence when dating. There are enough things to become possible issues in a relationship so why add to that.
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« Reply #12 on: November 14, 2018, 06:48:10 AM »

It's actually happening with some of my friendships. Conversations have shifted from common interests, what are the kids up to, to politics and the discussions can get heated and even ugly. I've even begun to avoid some of them because I don't want to get into it. As much as I have tried to keep things friendly, it is getting harder. I don't "unfriend" people or argue on social media but if they do, I try to stay out of it. So the relationships are inevitably becoming distant even if I don't want them to be.
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« Reply #13 on: November 14, 2018, 07:44:18 AM »

I think if we can agree to disagree and not try to shove our point of view down the throat of someone else a relationship and friendships can work, it takes looking for those places of common ground.

The problem is that the negative rhetoric just keeps escalating on all sides... .escalating the drama, escalating the divide... .it just keeps going round and round... .where is the cooperation?  Where is the common ground? When will our elected officials recognize they they represent all of us not just the people in "their" party.

I think because of the current climate that it would be even harder to connect with someone at the other end of the spectrum because there is an us and them mentality at the moment.

Panda39

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« Reply #14 on: November 14, 2018, 09:15:19 PM »

Good topic, or. Unfortunately, this is something that needs to be looked at. Politics have become extreme enough to separate man and woman. A natural connection. I’ve been with women/girls (seriously) that have very different political views than mine. It became a problem. It came down to being well informed and logic.

I would rather be with a woman that isn’t an extremist in her political views or ideology. At this point, I wouldn’t count her out for sitting on the other side of the aisle. If she has oppposing views that aren’t polar, her values in her differing views are a close match to mine in how I view things and there is no divisevness, I might consider it.

This thread has already shown division, politically. We’re far too influenced by the powers that be. Enough to influence our choices in our mates. This causes me a bit of sadness.

IMHO, modern politics are rubbing elbows too closely with pop culture. Modern politics are meant to be divisive. We’re being split apart and forced to take a side. Unfortunately, it seems to be working.

I would like to meet a woman that sees the machine for what it is. The chances of that are slim. I’m right of center.
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« Reply #15 on: November 14, 2018, 11:11:52 PM »

"we cant choose our families, but we can choose our partners"

values are deeply important in terms of compatibility with a life mate (and certainly they inform and are informed by our politics). some couples have different religions, and it presents enormous challenges in their relationship if it doesnt destroy it. for others, they make it work just fine. and some of course, would never involve themselves with someone with a different religion, right or wrong.

i suspect that most of us have someone in our families with very different political views. i do. i have members of my family (frankly most of them on both sides of my parents) whos views are not only very different than mine, but at times downright offend, or even personally disturb me. nonetheless, i love them very much, and our relationships work just fine.  

mary matalin (republican strategist) and james carville (democratic strategist) are an example of two pretty famous people with not only completely opposite political views, but literally competing ones... .they both have a professional interest in the other failing. they have two daughters and have been married for twenty five years. by all accounts, including their own, their marriage is a very happy one.

so, why does it work for some, and not for others?
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« Reply #16 on: November 14, 2018, 11:41:02 PM »

Interesting comments... .in this small sampling, the women seem to feel more comfortable having men with similar views.

I personally don't let politics define my inner circle or my circle of friends. I think the too much of the country is caught up in the political fight than and too few are actually standing for good governess. To many, the means have become more important than the ends.
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« Reply #17 on: November 15, 2018, 01:09:11 AM »

My ex and i had mostly differing views,  but those things never really came up.  Dating now? Maybe, but a LTR, maybe not.  I hear the ghost of my T who once told me,  "you were mismatched in x, y, z... ." my T is still alive AFAIK

Politics can be interesting,  but there aren't any hills I'm willing to die upon, in general  One of my long term friends calls me a bleeding heart liberal (I'm not,  but I'm not extreme as he is,  and I've known him for 30 years). I just laugh. Glad I don't have to date him though.  I wouldn't date anyone so committed either way to shame me for my views.
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« Reply #18 on: November 15, 2018, 04:17:27 AM »

Perhaps it is the women who are responding. I also have not let politics decide on my friendships and they span the whole spectrum from right to left. What concerns me is the hostility. I've seen friends enter into discussions on Facebook that have turned hostile and it has been a bit of a shock to see that side of them. Some have said to me " I don't think I could be friends with someone who supports that ".

I don't think my political views have changed who I am as a person, but it seems to be changing some people I know. I don't unfriend people - either on FB or in person, but the divisiveness is changing my friend group as a whole. Some of them are unfriending people.

I would date someone who didn't agree with me politically. It isn't the different opinions that concern me. It seems politics is becoming one of the big potentially divisive topics and I would be concerned it would become a larger issue in a long term relationship. Could we have similar friends? Would our friends become contentious to one or the other? It's not an insurmountable red flag, certainly not an issue on a casual date, but for a long term relationship, would it cause problems?
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« Reply #19 on: November 15, 2018, 10:31:42 AM »

At this point, I'd find it difficult to date across the aisle. I can't say that was the case when I was younger -- politics was less polarized, nasty, and all-encompassing back then.

But I'm also pretty politically active right now, and it's a big part of my life -- so someone who was the polar opposite of me would essentially be invalidating my lifestyle.

I think this is a bad thing for the country ... .but, on the other hand, as a left-wing guy, I have a bigger dating pool than the right-wingers. 
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« Reply #20 on: November 15, 2018, 11:19:21 AM »

I have a bigger dating pool than the right-wingers. 

That depends on which state one lives in. 

This is an interesting topic. I have two close friends and we all share very similar views. One is far right and the other is far left. What separates them is the political drama and the personalities... .not the real issues.

US politics is a lot about social manipulation to preserve parties. My non-US friends laugh at how so many of us are caught up in all of this.

Do republican women really not care about women's health? Do democrat men really want terrorists coming over the border? Are gun issues or abortion issues actually problems that don't have solutions that reach across parties?

It concerns me.

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« Reply #21 on: November 15, 2018, 04:07:01 PM »

Fortunately I still have friends on both sides of the fence. Yes there are democracts who don’t want terrorists crossing the border and female republicans who care about their health. People tend to socialize with like minded people. If we don’t know people on the opposite side personally, then we are more prone to being influenced by the press and other media which tends to be biased.

I think there’s a spectrum and diversity on both sides and I think people close to the middle may find themselves forced to one side as we don’t have much choice at the moment.

To find solutions to major issues that both sides might at least begin to agree on takes a middle stance but our politics are divisive and make that difficult.

One reason I would fear a long term relationship with a political opposite is the divisive trend.
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« Reply #22 on: November 18, 2018, 06:16:10 PM »

Interesting thread.
I know people who make politics very personal.
And I know people who do not.
I think it really depends on the person.
I agree with previous posters who support critical thinkers.
I just want to be around people who can form their own opinions.
I don't expect them to be sophisticated, just independent thinkers.
I can't stand people from either party who are impulsively judgmental either.
You see this rhetoric from both sides, manifesting in writing others off.
I have met people from either party who are tolerant.
I am more concerned with what a person is like as a person, than their ideology.
That is an idealistic thought though and I don't know how differing politics would play out in romance.
Yesterday on a dating site, I saw a question that said: which is worse greed or laziness?
The person I read replied laziness.
I was thinking 'how can laziness be worse than greed?'
I found that intolerable.
So, ideally, I would rather be with someone who is tolerant and accepts other's views, despite their politics.
Yet, in reality, I can not stand being around people who believe that others should be poor if they do not have the credentials to move up in the world.
So, that is a perhaps an error of polarized thinking on my part.
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« Reply #23 on: November 20, 2018, 10:37:59 PM »

I don't think I would ask a person I was beginning to date about their political leanings or religion.  But, I am also not looking for a potential father for my child.  My child is grown and I am past child bearing age.  If I still had a small child or considering starting a family, that would be more important to me.

We as humans are wired to have many of the same needs and desires, we just have different ideas about how to get these.  The argument comes from who is entitled, what means are appropriate or not appropriate, what is moral or immoral, etc.  Many of my friends have different political views, but we respect each other and look for the common ground.   

Yes, I would date someone with different political views as long as there was respect, fairness, open mindedness and enough common ground to enjoy each others company.

Respect!

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« Reply #24 on: November 21, 2018, 12:00:15 PM »

what is moral or immoral

i share this take.

if my moral value is "feed the poor", and my partners is "starve the poor", i think that those probably involve two world views that, while they might also apply to politics, could stretch into other important areas, where we might have significant conflict.

certainly my moral values partly inform my views on public policy (i believe them to be more practically driven than morally driven), but if we disagree on the means, the extent, the role of government or lack of it, that is by and large "politics". there are too few issues of public policy that i see in black or white terms of morality. thats at the heart of it. if my partner not only strongly disagrees with that view, and is also on the other side of it, that could signal incompatibility.

having said all of that, im a political junkie. my partner is gonna have to put up with that  
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« Reply #25 on: November 21, 2018, 12:26:21 PM »

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I think we are on the same page here.  I know what you mean about feeding the poor.  The thing, in my opinion , is that  moral people do not want others starve.  However,  we may see different ways of achieving this.  One example I can think of is years ago, I was speaking with a neighbor that I barely knew and I as saying that I gave a man in a wheelchair at a certain intersection some money.  I believe that my motive is what counts and what they do with it is up to them and God.  But, this neighbor said, “Oh, I see him on my way to work, and I just want to run him over.”  I never wanted to be around her again.  Just hateful and mean.  And we were and still are on opposite ends of the political spectrum.  But, it’s not about politics but about her lack of concern for others.

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« Reply #26 on: November 25, 2018, 04:53:03 PM »

“Are you talking about someone you are seeing presently? if so, does the relationship work for the two of you?”


Yes currently in a relationship with someone very much my opposite politically. But it’s been so far so good. Says some things that are cringe worthy at times. Just taking it day by day. We have many things in common including previous relationships disappointments, single parenthood. We both like to exercise so that’s nice. I don’t question her beliefs. Her parents are very very conservative Christian.  I think we have all have stereotypes or maybe negative misconceptions but I think you could be missing out on some good people.
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