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Author Topic: I actually cried a little this morning.  (Read 397 times)
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« on: November 30, 2018, 09:19:14 AM »

So here I sit at my fav thinking place, the circle here on Atlantic Beach...today is a day off from work ... they call it “flex Friday”... so I got up this morning, made the boys lunch and a pot of coffee, let the old stray dog out to do his buisiness ... gave the two stray cats their ‘treats’ got the boy up and into the bathroom (trigger memory)...

Let the old man back in and we both took our morning blood pressure pills together  ... and gave him his treat, and then sat on the back porch for a few minutes watching the squirrels and birds doing their own morning things.

Got dressed in the office and made up my ‘rack’...

Poured the boy his coffee and was sure to put in creamer and his fav ‘organic honey’ (trigger memory)...

Got him to his day program down the road, and then drove here... and here I sit ... it’s cloudy and overcast ... seas are a little choppy with a little wind out of the south east ... the temperature is gradually climbing ... it was only in the low forties last night, ... my travel mug of black coffee is still ‘pipping hot’... my D26 texted me and asked if I was ok, ... my S28 said to me “you need to get a lawyer a Dad” the other day...

This place, this length of beach was where we first met, blind date ... ( yahoo personals  ) we walked almost all the way down to the pier ... we walked and talked for hours ... she seemed so perfect ... she was beautiful! ... and we both told our own stories to each other about our ‘horrid’ previous marriages and subsequent ‘datng experiences’... she seemed to be just what I was looking for, a new best friend ... someone to relate to, to spend time with, to even heal with... we held hands and walked barefoot in the surf... she was my new found ‘damsel in distress’...

The rest is all history now...

Yeah ... ‘trauma bonding’ followed by ‘emeshmemt’ ...

So here I sit pining for something that was just an illusion ... a mirage ... an apparition... a “phantom”... so yeah I got a little emotional...  and now ... I guess I just feel sorry for her now ... so I squirted a few tears... as the Tom Petty tune “Walls”’came across the XM radio ...

That’s the first time ever ?... I’ve not cried over her before, not this way ... even when she got her initial ‘C’ dx... no I was in shock then, I had to be ‘strong’ for her and hold her hand and tell her she was going to be alright and that she will beat this... but I just don’t recall crying ... what kind of person am I ?... Lord ...

Usually she has me so damned angry at her that / that never happens ...

So she is moving out on Sunday and she says she now wants a divorce ... meanwhile I am looking at new furnishings for my home after work...I like leather ...

Y’all have a nice day! ... and thanks in advance for listening !

Red5
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« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2018, 09:32:44 AM »

Wishing you a peaceful few days till the day that she makes her move. 

It’s sad that things have worked out the way they did but looks like a new chapter in your life starting real soon.  Concentrating on what is important to your family. 

Can you imagine how things will feel without all those bpd type dramas…..  a new start and all that, that might bring,

Best wishes,

ruskin
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« Reply #2 on: November 30, 2018, 02:52:19 PM »


Let her keep changing her mind.

You do need to have a consultation with a lawyer.  You don't know..what you don't know.

Your goal is to protect your ability to provide for your son.

I'm intrigued by her apparent large amounts of savings.  Could make the marital property split go way different than you thought.

FF
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« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2018, 03:46:38 PM »

Yeah, it is intriguing ... settlement for state job resignation ... then state disability back pay... and the sale of her home across town... same story, she had issues with her female boss, college VP, and quit ...occurring in two different college systems over a five or so year period ...then went back later and claimed disability, ... she now gets a check every month from the state for disability ... due to her ‘not being able to work’ due to her ‘C’ dx... she claims to this day that they (college) wanted to get rid of her... I chalk it up to bpd paranoia ... “everybody is out to get me”... they set a boundary and she crossed it and was going to be ‘officially counseled’ ... so she got mad and quit... err... resigned.

Her mind is like a ball of string that somebody dipped in glue ... good luck ever trying to figure her out ... or untangle it to understand how it works ...

She’ll be just fine on her own...

She has done all of this to herself... and she is in full blown victim mode now...

I’m still lawyer shopping ... I’ll have one by Monday COB,

Red5
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« Reply #4 on: November 30, 2018, 09:52:50 PM »

I was thinking the other day and found it fascinating that my h seems to always land on his feet somehow with jobs. He was working at a local career college for a couple of years, but he recently quit um, resigned. Evidently, the administrator gave a couple of students permission not to come to his class, but they still had to do the assignments. H found a new job fairly quickly. They didn't like him anymore... 

Of course, he was the "victim" again... 
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« Reply #5 on: November 30, 2018, 10:13:30 PM »

I'm sorry to hear of this breakup, but I'm sure it will be for the best.

Back in the days of yahoo, Internet matchmaking was more haphazard. Now the singles scene has evolved, and there are apps and websites that will help you to focus on more compatible people. Match, Tinder, eHarmony, ... Just take your time, and try not to think that someone is "perfect" right away. For many years I was attracted to men who were different from me, but it did not provide a basis for a longterm relationship. When I began seeing my current uBPDh, we at least had most of the basic interests in life in common—similar professional field, type of education, etc. Even then, perhaps I was not careful to make sure that we were compatible enough (which is why I am on this board -  ).

I hope that soon you can visit the beautiful Carolina coast without thinking of her hardly at all. There's a lot of beauty there, even without the memory of a date that went well, but led to a marriage that wasn't meant to last.
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« Reply #6 on: December 01, 2018, 02:16:29 AM »

I am so sorry this is happening, Red.  At some point in many BPD/NPD relationships, the PD person devalues you and there may be no turning back.    

Your children know what you are up against.  You never asked for what you got.  You honestly gave your heart to this woman and later found our she was a different person altogether.  I don't know if she did the initial love bomb where she mirrored you and convinced you she was the woman of your dreams.

Do seek legal advice for your own protection.  You have your son to think about.  My uBPD/uNPD H, when his uNPD W had found a lover and was planning to marry him (he was overseas on a military tour when she cheated on him), fell for the bluff she threw him, "You so much as see a lawyer and I will make sure you never see the children again."  As a result, the divorce went through uncontested and she got what she wanted, including taking the children out of state and clear across the country.  If H had retained a lawyer, he could have dictated visitation and she would not have been able to take the children out of the state.  H's cowardice led to nearly 18 years of his children (some still in diapers) rarely seeing him, regarding their stepfather as their "real" father, and causing H to idealize them, a notion, even now they are all almost 30, that persists to this day.

Be well, Red, and be strong.  The tears are a sign you are reaching a milestone in dealing with your W and her illness.  You can't control her.  In many ways, loving a BPD or NPD is like falling in love with a mirage--the one they presented during your courtship.

Look out for yourself.  You know what you are up against.   
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« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2018, 04:14:34 PM »

Hey Red,
I wanted to give you some hugs yesterday, but I was outside all day burning brush piles. So now--   

That beautiful time when everything was perfect, or near perfect, and how we would want that to continue...and of course it doesn't. And we wonder why on earth do they make things so difficult...and of course there's never a good answer...so we remember those glorious moments and wish they portended a future quite different from what we experienced...and there's not much to do other than remember nostalgically how thrilled we were and how hopeful for a positive brighter future...and of course it was all a mirage, but what a beautiful mirage it was and how happy we were when we still believed it could be...

I don't have any answers. My only hope is within myself and acknowledging reality, so that's not helpful, but I know you're a really good guy and that you deserve happiness.

Cat

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« Reply #8 on: December 01, 2018, 07:40:13 PM »

Hey Red,
I wanted to give you some hugs yesterday, but I was outside all day burning brush piles. So now--   

That beautiful time when everything was perfect, or near perfect, and how we would want that to continue...and of course it doesn't. And we wonder why on earth do they make things so difficult...and of course there's never a good answer...so we remember those glorious moments and wish they portended a future quite different from what we experienced...and there's not much to do other than remember nostalgically how thrilled we were and how hopeful for a positive brighter future...and of course it was all a mirage, but what a beautiful mirage it was and how happy we were when we still believed it could be...

I don't have any answers. My only hope is within myself and acknowledging reality, so that's not helpful, but I know you're a really good guy and that you deserve happiness.

Cat


What a beautiful sentiment, Cat!
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« Reply #9 on: December 02, 2018, 10:03:45 PM »

It’s been a very emotional day .... me and my Son returned home tonight to a house MT of furniture .....’but our babies were glad to see us ....’the old stray dog, and the two stray cats... tomorrow is my baby girls twenty sixth birthday .... we are all going out for dinner .... would you believe my ex wife #1 will be there too? ....’should be interesting’ ..... I am having flashbacks to a time long ago, mid nineties .... Beaufort SC, our tour in VMFA-115, the kids were all quite little then .... we used to go to Hunting Island state park to the beach .... and fishing on Parris Island ....

Thank you everybody for listening !!!!

I love y’all. !!!!!

Red5
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« Reply #10 on: December 02, 2018, 11:04:47 PM »

......as I disappear into an alcoholic fog ..... I remember when the Sea Harriers used to come and see us in the summer down in Cecil Field, those Brits could drink is all under the table !

That ‘SHAR’ what an airplane.... thus sent to the junk yard in 2006... one of my favs ...

Red5
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« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2018, 11:42:46 AM »

Hey Red,
I wanted to give you some hugs yesterday, but I was outside all day burning brush piles. So now--   

That beautiful time when everything was perfect, or near perfect, and how we would want that to continue...and of course it doesn't. And we wonder why on earth do they make things so difficult...and of course there's never a good answer...so we remember those glorious moments and wish they portended a future quite different from what we experienced...and there's not much to do other than remember nostalgically how thrilled we were and how hopeful for a positive brighter future...and of course it was all a mirage, but what a beautiful mirage it was and how happy we were when we still believed it could be...

I don't have any answers. My only hope is within myself and acknowledging reality, so that's not helpful, but I know you're a really good guy and that you deserve happiness.

Cat



Thank you Cat! ...

...."That beautiful time when everything was perfect, or near perfect, and how we would want that to continue",

I been spending a lot of time back there, in my mind over the last twenty-four hours.

After Church yesterday, me and my Son rode all the way out to Harker's Island, right to the point where 'Island Road' seems to disappear into the 'Back Sound', ... it was beautiful ; (

Her foo moved her completely out yesterday ... she texted me, as I requested, the "all clear" ... so some time after dark, me and the boy got back home, and it was of course MT ... I got my 'wish' ... bare floors, and walls.

She's gone now, ...

I read the other day, something to the affect ... that when the Non's bowl of empathy runs dry, then the Non begins to emotionally detach, ... beaten down, and used up, the Non retreats, and starts to "go cold", ... when this happens, the pw/bpd will of course sense this, and will then begin the discard in earnest.

That's exactly what happened, I remember the old thread about the "straw" ... that straw could be something seemingly insignificant and small, inconsequential ... but it has the weight of a steam locomotive, if it gets broken at the concise moment that the "Non" has had enough ... its a "that's it" moment ... there is probably a "term" for this .... but I don't know what it is ...

I could feel myself slowly withdrawing from our marriage for quite some time, it was not intentional ... but it was a constant "draw" on my mental state ... as she acted out, or destroyed something ... or degraded me ... either verbally, or emotionally ... at some point, I 'stopped' rebuilding, repairing, reclaiming ...

Yes, a seemingly "small" thing ... like a while back we were fighting .. and she threw my toothbrush away ... yes trivial, ... but we kept our toothbrushes 'together', ... in the same cup in our bathroom, ... but after she threw mine away, I started keeping it in my medicine cabinet ... out of her sight, ... you see, I stopped repairing things ... I did not put my new toothbrush back in the cup, alongside hers .. as it has been since we got married ... no, I didn't ... just another little piece now gone ... never to return ... silly maybe ... but every day, when I would open my medicine cabinet to get my toothbrush, it served as a little reminder ... "our time is drawing nigh" ... "I'm drifting away from her" ... "this is the way things are between us now" ...

Once the relationship reaches this point ... it takes only one incident, one little slight, or in our case it was a huge slight, and it ended ... right there in the hallway, outside my Son's bathroom, ... you know, when I went back there after all the calamity I heard from the litchen ... she was yelling at him to "brush your teeth right now!" ...

... a toothbrush moment,

Yeah, it finally died right there, ... just like our beloved little Kricket did when she took her last breath not less than twenty-four hours earlier ... I 'fing' crying now .. damn it ; (

She broke that last straw, .... and the steam locomotive went careening off into the gorge below ....

Thanks for listening,

Red5
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« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2018, 11:57:05 AM »

you see, I stopped repairing things ... I did not put my new toothbrush back in the cup, alongside hers .. as it has been since we got married ... no, I didn't ... just another little piece now gone ... never to return ... silly maybe ... but every day, when I would open my medicine cabinet to get my toothbrush, it served as a little reminder ... "our time is drawing nigh" ... "I'm drifting away from her" ... "this is the way things are between us now" ...

Once the relationship reaches this point ... it takes only one incident, one little slight, or in our case it was a huge slight, and it ended ... right there in the hallway, outside my Son's bathroom, ... you know, when I went back there after all the calamity I heard from the litchen ... she was yelling at him to "brush your teeth right now!" ...

... a toothbrush moment,

Yeah, it finally died right there, ... just like our beloved little Kricket did when she took her last breath not less than twenty-four hours earlier ... I 'fing' crying now .. damn it ; (

She broke that last straw, .... and the steam locomotive went careening off into the gorge below ....

So what now, Red? Where do you go from here?
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« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2018, 12:55:04 PM »

So what now, Red? Where do you go from here?

Afternoon Skip,

Well, she has moved out, she is gone now.

The last time we "spoke", she said "what's the point", ... "we should just divorce" ... she said, "I can't live in this house anymore with YOU and YOUR Son ...

She said she was done, and now she's moved out, ... lock, stock, and barrel.

There was a couple of days that we agreed to stay married/separated so that she would still have my medical insurance, but that's changed ... she says that she can still access her BC/BS as she is on state disability.

So what now? ... well; I have to assume that this marriage is no longer sustainable, or viable, ... as we have extreme irreconcilable differences, in regards to how my Son is to be cared for, which resulted in an irrevocable incident of physical abuse perpetrated against my Son..

Physical abuse is a deal breaker, not negotiable.

I did say to her ... during a heated discussion, as she was attempting to JADE me ... she was yelling at me ... "its ALL your fault, you created this mess ... he's autistic, he's not stupid, he can learn" ... I replied to her, ... "what does he need to learn, to jump when you say jump, ... why can't you relax, and leave him alone, maybe be a little more "nice" to him, all you do is yell at him" ... of course this was an exercise in futility, as the deed was already done, punching him in the head three times is wholly unacceptable ...
*Circular argument,
*Emotional reasoning,

So my last comment was this, "I don't want to divorce, but this marriage has become unsustainable, what happened here this morning can't ever happen again, so I think we need to separate, either myself and 'J' leave, or you do ... that said, if there is to be any thread of hope to save this, we need to get into therapy, not together, but apart, there are major issues here, anger issues ... we cant live like this anymore"

She interpreted me, and said, ...."NO, I refuse "therapy", YOU are the problem, I'M DONE!" ...
*Projection,
*Extinction Burst,

So there you have it ... I have an appointment with a family lawyer day after tomorrow.

I have to protect myself now, ... we need to get a separation agreement in place, ...
*Boundary,

I need to let this go, she is who she is ... and apparently I'm who I am as well ... fist priority is my Son, period, .... he needs full time care, and support ... she doesn't like that, ...
*The crazy has to stop,

She told me she "loves me, but" ... blah blah blah ...

So ... I move forward, in this state, you have to remain separated for a year, before the petition for divorce can be signed by a judge.

... a year, ... I reckon a lot can happen in a year.

The history of this relationship, marriage speaks for itself, we just don't "mesh" ... we don't get along, too many issues (ubpd), ... too much has happened ... I don't ever see her addressing any of her issues, not going to happen.
*DBT,

... and then there is her c-ancer dx ...

Thanks for listening,

Red5
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« Reply #14 on: December 03, 2018, 12:55:58 PM »

. . . I remember the old thread about the "straw" ... that straw could be something seemingly insignificant and small, inconsequential ... but it has the weight of a steam locomotive, if it gets broken at the concise moment that the "Non" has had enough ... its a "that's it" moment ... there is probably a "term" for this .... but I don't know what it is ...
Red5
I know what you mean. There are some psychology terms that are the same as or similar to literary analysis, and I can help you with that vocabulary.

The last straw in literature/medicine would be a turning point. It's an event that marks a new direction, with consequences for the outcome of the story.
The "that's it" or eureka moment is also called an epiphany (as in the Feast of the Epiphany, when the baby Jesus was visited by the Three Kings). This is an event or an object or words that make the person see a situation with crystal clarity for the first time, and this new understanding can also change the plot of the story.

I've had both recently, too. Hang in there.
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« Reply #15 on: December 03, 2018, 01:08:45 PM »


Well, she has moved out, she is gone now.
...punching him (your son) in the head three times is wholly unacceptable ...
[...]
So ... I move forward, in this state, you have to remain separated for a year, before the petition for divorce can be signed by a judge.
[...]
Red5

That is definitely a turning point and an epiphany all in one. It should give you strength to know that you went against your love for her to protect your son from being abused in this way again. Dad of the Year Award for you, Red.

It's unfortunate that your state still has this waiting period for simple divorces (no child custody or shared assets to negotiate). Mine eliminated it; folks pre-date their "marriage became irretrievably broken" date to six months before the present, and then it's just processing time. Peace!
Sweet Charlotte
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« Reply #16 on: December 03, 2018, 02:26:36 PM »

Dear Red, my heart is with you.

As Charlotte says, you have reached the epiphany here--the wakeup call.

Your W is not going to change.  

Like the parable of the frog and the scorpion, the scorpion will eventually sting the frog, regardless of how nice the frog is.  It's in the nature of the scorpion to sting.  (The song by Al Wilson, "The Snake," is also on this theme.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Vjfw7UHl_E

Asking your W, the pwBPD, to be "normal" is like asking the scorpion not to sting.    The sad thing is that BPDs represent themselves as other things--like chameleons.   We'd know a snake or scorpion for being dangerous.  We don't know the image the BPD presents is an illusion.  

This was my epiphany about my uBPD/uNPD H.  After more than 20 years of marriage, it was hard to accept this.  I began to detect patterns in the behaviour of my H, and the realisation slowly came on me--something was terribly wrong.  Then it clicked that he was uBPD--that there was something pathologically wrong.  H would rage, and do so way out of proportion to the matter at hand. He has no sense of memory or chronology, common with BPDs due to dissociation.  He is enmeshed with his adult children (all near 30) and all of them in the NPD or BPD spectrum.  (His X W is very likely uNPD, and I have known the children since they were all small children:  workplace bully of coworkers, expulsion from the military, suicide attempts, drug and alcohol addiction, etc.)

Living with an adult child, even one without autism or other needs, is trying at the very least.  See the divorce rates of remarried people with children and blended families.  Your son, however, needs compassion and empathy, something a pwBPD is unable to give.

For instance, we had an elderly little dog who was sick and dying and constantly soiling himself.  One time, the dog soiled himself in the middle of the night and stood up on the soiled bed, making noise, waking my H and me up.  H flew into a rage.  He screamed at the dog, elderly and hard of hearing, yanking the dog bed out from under the dog and dumping him on the floor.  I immediately made sure the dog was comforted, but you can imagine the dog was terrified, an old and partially deaf, dying dog.  This is the degree of the inability of a BPD to have empathy.  

H went on to rationalise his actions:  he works 10- hour days, he was sleep deprived for weeks due to the dog's illness, and on and on.

Then there is the matter of his grandchildren.  As they are extensions of his children and therefore himself, he has an umlimited amount of empathy and patience. Ditto for his children:  countless car accidents, DUIs, drug arrests. etc.  For the dog and me, however, this is another matter.  For us, there is only projection and rage.  

Your son is not an extension of your wife and is therefore a target for her free-floating anger.  

pwBPD just don't have empathy to really have compassion for others.  They are too wrapped up in their own needs and fears.    

Punching your son is non negotiable.  I am almost at that point myself with my H.  I, too, am experiencing the dwindling amount of empathy for my H.  I used to be very hurt when H lavished expensive gifts on his children while giving me only trinkets.  I am at the point where I just don't care anymore.

To slowly come to realise that we were really in love with the mask our BPD partners presented to us is very painful.   Many have mentioned BPDs as chameleons.  And a chameleon changes color to match his surroundings in order to survive.

The hardest part of all this is to understand and accept that you yourself were never the problem.  I understand BPDs are in a lot more emotional agony that any of us nons will ever be.

Be gentle with yourself, dear Red.  Make sure your son and other children are safe from you W's rages.  You have to leave her to her own destiny.  It's like that section in the Eggshells book where a woman left her BPD H.  

You have to see the situation for what it is, regardless of how much we'd like it to be different.  Expecting a BPD person to be rational and empathetic is like expecting a penguin to fly.  It's not going to happen.

Be well, Red, and lick your wounds.  You will heal from this.  And you will be stronger from the experience.  You're a military and and a tough one.  Don't let this get you down for long.

   

  




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« Reply #17 on: December 03, 2018, 05:36:51 PM »

Dear Red, I thought about your W (and my H, for that matter) and it's clear that they lack empathy.

This NPD aspect of BPDs (esp. higher functioning ones) is a key feature.

We can no more expect empathy from our BPD partners than expect a scorpion not to sting, nor a penguin to fly. 

I hope you are taking stock and moving forward, or preparing to move forward.  It's one thing to understand intellectually what is going on, and one this to truly feel all the pain the predicament warrants.  (I know I intellectualise about my uBPD H and know exactly what he is doing, and then I avoid having to face the real emotions.  Today, H is out of town, so I put on some sad songs on and allowed myself to cry--up to the point of sobbing.  It did not last long, but I do feel a little better now.  Tears can sometimes be an expression not only of sadness, but also anger.)

 
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« Reply #18 on: December 03, 2018, 06:31:59 PM »

So what now, Red? Where do you go from here?
Well, she has moved out, she is gone now.

I'm asking the bigger question... what does the future look like for you?  Are you going to grind out another year in limbo or are you going to move on to the next chapter?
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« Reply #19 on: December 04, 2018, 01:37:42 PM »

Excerpt
// I'm asking the bigger question... what does the future look like for you?  Are you going to grind out another year in limbo or are you going to move on to the next chapter? //

Afternoon Skip !

… “bigger question” … “big picture”
*The question is, am I happy, is she happy, answer is a concurrent no.
*Can this marriage be fixed, answer is no, it is irreconcilable, trust has been destroyed, and irrevocable damage has been done.

…”what does the future look like for you”…
*Acronym ‘GOLE” … -go on living everyday-
*Cut the loss, get my home, my life, and my Sons environment ship shape again, institute and ensure routine, peace and security once again.
*Self-care, and post relationship conflagration investigation, in order to set new life goals, rules of engagement, and theories of operation, life coping mechanisms … into everyday action, …
*Work (second career), Church, neighbors, community … and recreational activities on the endless salt waterways around our home, enjoy sunshine, water, and sand … enjoy life with my three grown up children, enmesh myself into home improvements (refit the ship) … volunteer in the community, help make a difference, help others …
*Grow older gracefully, healthy, and hopefully wiser ?

…” Are you going to grind out another year in limbo”…
*No, no more ‘limbo’ … this has run its course, so retain legal counsel, initiate separation agreement, be “amicable”, wait for year to pass, low to no contact … see how ubpdw’s c-ancer treatments go, hopefully she will be alright, help, and support as requested (health insurance), but plan to divorce, as necessary (delay?), dependent on her prognosis, however _understand_ that I have been devalued, and discarded, … live with that fact, act accordingly … move forward from here/there … boundaries; protect from any further ‘crazy making’.
*Seek further counseling, and “work on myself” … continue research on subject(s) so that this pattern does not repeat.

…” are you going to move on to the next chapter”…
*Yes, time to write the next chapter, … today at “T” … he said to me, … “Red5, at least you can use this entire experience as a “life/living teachable moment” for yourself … you should learn from all of this, you would not now know and understand what you do today had you not endured this, lived this, loved her, married her, and lived with her” … I agreed with ‘T’ … and I said to him … “T”, … “I agree with you, and that said, as I’m now fifty two, … what with all this “life experience/knowledge” … by the time I’m say eighty five to maybe ninety four, I’ll be one smart son of a ____ !  “ … we both chuckled ….
*Humor is LIFE !

How am I doing Skip, and thanks for listening : )

Red5
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« Reply #20 on: December 04, 2018, 01:49:06 PM »

I think you’re awesome, Red!     

   
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« Reply #21 on: December 04, 2018, 10:33:54 PM »

Red, it looks like you now have a clear path on where to go.

You uBPD W hitting your son was the point of no return.  I can truly relate to the indecision when it's only us--the spouse--but when the partner hurts our children or pets, that can be trigger that needs to be pulled for us nons to end the R/S.  I have a family member who said I'll stay with my uBPD H forever, but if he dared to hurt one of the pets, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. 

I hope you are finding courage now that you see something new that was non-negotiable in the R/S.  All it takes for out pwBPD to cross that line and it's over for us.

I wish you strength, Red, as you move forward.  You did not ask for this.  People marry with the best of intentions, and the pwBPD only show us what we want to see.

In my own R/S with my uBPD/uNPD H, I did not have a clue.  I was love bombed and mirrored, and I thought the perfect man was put in my path.  I fell in love and was married within months.  Would I marry again so hastily?  Never again.  But now I am stuck here for more than 20 years.  I don't want to wait until one of the pets gets hurt, but since H is so enmeshed with his adult children, there may be a non-negotiable there for him to do that will allow me to pull the plug on the marriage--esp. with money issues and his children.  He spends an untold amount of money on them.  (All of his children are in the NPD and BPD spectrum from the drug/alcohol issues, accident proneness, drama queen theatrical productions, etc.)

Be well, Red.  When you can, keep us updated on your move forward.

Hugs and more hugs.   

 
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« Reply #22 on: December 06, 2018, 01:59:36 PM »

Hey Red,
I wanted to give you some hugs yesterday, but I was outside all day burning brush piles. So now--    

Hey Cat!

Just wanted to let you know, Red5 loves to set fires, build fires, and burn bonfires!

Oh' yes, ... Red5 knows how to build a good fire !

After Florence left town, and we had train loads of yard debris ... all the neighbors piled theirs on the streets ... but Red5, no ... !! ... I declared, "I'm going to burn our limbs and branches !

I made two huge brush piles ... Red5 stacked, racked, sorted, and salted these two ginormous brush/wood piles perfectly ... and then I waited for it to get good and dried out ... about two weeks.

So I got me a burn permit from the county, printed it out and posted it in the yard ... I got me a good strong water hose, a propane tank with a torch on it, a comfortable chair, a couple of rakes and pitchforks so I could "overhaul" the fire as it burned down ... and a cooler of Budweiser ... I checked the winds, and decided "today was the day" ... I started early ... I charged the water hose, put on my fire clothes, long sleeves and a face mask and gloves (heat) ... and I lit the first one off!

Flames shot fifty feet or more up into the air, as it would start to get a little too "chimney/windy" ... I'd quiet it off with the water hose, ensuring that a ~hot~ center core of fire (coal box) was maintained ... it burned down very nicely, very very hot ... I kept it overhauled and rolled over onto itself as it burned all the way down ... and by the end of the day, was nothing more that say a No.2 washtub piles worth of ashes ... and after two days, it continued to burn down to almost nothing ... cool beans !

As I had two piles, I burned the other one down the next Friday ...

Ah' yes, I do love to set a good fire in the yard ; )

AskingWhy, SweetCharlotte, empath, Ruskin, formflier ... and Skip, et' all ... thanks for listening, coming here and talking it out has helped me like you'll never know ... ya'll are all awesome !

Kind Regards, Red5
« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 02:06:30 PM by Red5 » Logged
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« Reply #23 on: December 06, 2018, 02:03:46 PM »

How is your son taking this?
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« Reply #24 on: December 06, 2018, 08:02:33 PM »

Red,

Just sending you     

You're a strong man, and your son is lucky to have you.

I'm with Skip, wondering how your son has adjusted to her leaving.

I would think that a more peaceful environment will most likely be a positive change for him... and you, even though it isn't the way you would have wanted it to go.

Your sense of humor and personality still shine through in your posts.. it's good you haven't lost that.

Take care Red,

Redeemed
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Up was the heartening and the strong reply.
The heart of standing is we cannot fly.
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« Reply #25 on: December 08, 2018, 05:37:37 PM »

I’m sorry for what you’re going through, Red5. I read a lot of your posts on the previous page. You tried. You put the work in.

This place, this length of beach was where we first met, blind date ... ( yahoo personals  ) we walked almost all the way down to the pier ... we walked and talked for hours ... she seemed so perfect ... she was beautiful! ... and we both told our own stories to each other about our ‘horrid’ previous marriages and subsequent ‘datng experiences’... she seemed to be just what I was looking for, a new best friend ... someone to relate to, to spend time with, to even heal with... we held hands and walked barefoot in the surf... she was my new found ‘damsel in distress’...

I think you nailed it Red. White knighting is no way to go. Myself included. I still get stuck in the thoughts and memories of that. Your situation is raw. It’s going to be for a while.

So here I sit pining for something that was just an illusion ... a mirage ... an apparition... a “phantom”... so yeah I got a little emotional...  and now ... I guess I just feel sorry for her now ...

I remember those strong emotions. The pull. A year out and I still feel it. It’s ok to feel sorry for her. What else can you do? She broke the deal by her actions. In a big way.

Red5, I know that my words don’t help much right now. If you’re doing what is best for you, and in turn your son, you’re doing the right thing.

Theses folks grab us at the very heart of our vulnerabilities. It’s hard to realize that our vulnerabilities were being targeted.

You put the work in. You did well with it. Is it time to grieve now?
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